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 AUTHOR
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 162
FWB and new BFPage 9 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

melissa,


The thing that blows my mind the most about this whole thread is that anyone tells anyone about their FWB situations. That is your personal business and does not need to be shared.
********************
I disagree. It is the new BF's business. She's not telling stories of her sexual adventures of the past. She was wanting to hang out with her EX, 1-on-1, to hang out at his house too and possibly pass out there, etc. A gf/bf should know what's going on in that regard.

I wondered how long before the yahbutscame out of the woodwork in response to

The thing that blows my mind the most about this whole thread is that anyone tells anyone about their FWB situations. That is your personal business and does not need to be shared.


AFAIC, melissa has the basic idea right. But I can also understand how some people who have issues with the FwB concept would presume that the OP-or anyone else who has had a FwB!- is going to keep boinkng the FwB. Generally speaking, I think that when someone is "dating" a person with an eye towards building a relationship, then contact with a FwB should be seriously reduced-or reduced as much as possible. Unfortunately, sometimes you can't just take a FwB, shove them in a closet and slam the door shut on them.
It sounds like in this case, there was a great deal of shared PLATONIC camaderie. I think THAT is what the OP wanted to hang onto.
However, I can see the possibility that having that F(sometimes)wB may be something of an impediment to developing a relationship with someone else.
That being said, I think we should give the OP's judgement credit, since she is the one in the situation-that she and her F(sometimes x)wB would not be a successful LTR match.

had a FWB for quite a few years but when one of us was dating someone we didn't even really speak at all.
That is probably the wisest course of action when it is workable. But,as I said, sometimes you just can't shove a x-FwB into a closet and slam the door shut on him or her. If the 2 people happen to be in the same social circles, share a hobby or recreational interest,live in the same neighborhood, or are in the same business circles, it may not be possible to shut an x-FwB completely out of your life.
I know the OP has resigned her membership, but I have absolutely no doubt that this same type of scenario proabably occurs in people's lives every day. I think this is a valuable discussion.
Cindy O
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 163
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/26/2013 2:15:13 PM

I still do not think it is my business to know, I would not want to know and do not feel I need to tell anyone anything that personal.

It would be your business to know the generics who your BF is hanging out 1-on-1 with, when it comes to the opposite-sex. It involves you if it's someone he was involved with before and will be when you two break up. Now, it may NOT be your business to know the ins-and-outs of his relationship with the gal -- sure.

He could say "she's someone I have been involved with", and doesn't have to spell out whether it's dating vs FWB vs casual dating vs serious dating, how good the sex was, etc.

It is your job as the BF/GF to cut off the FWB while in a relationship which she wasn't willing to do in the beginning.

Exactly! BUT, if she chose to still hang out with the guy -- it *THEN* becomes his business. I agree it's nobody's business to know who your sexual/romantic history in and of itself -- no. But if you decide to continue to see that person -- YES, it becomes the GF/BF's business to know what's up, is all I'm saying. I think that's common sense, right?

It's very different than say, going out to the bar to meet up with friends, etc... and a guy she was FWB with is there and she chit-chats with him for a bit, as with everyone else... no, the BF/GF doesn't have to be clued in. But if she gets his # again, texts every day, starts hanging out with him, etc -- she's choosing to make it his business!
 SunForSome
Joined: 7/27/2012
Msg: 164
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/26/2013 3:26:29 PM

The thing that blows my mind the most about this whole thread is that anyone tells anyone about their FWB situations. That is your personal business and does not need to be shared.


I give Okhikergirl a lot of credit for being honest with the people involved in her life. Of course, it's not in her benefit to be honest. There's a good chance that her current boyfriend might not take things with her too seriously because of this bit of information. However, to keep things hidden... in my mind shows a lack of integrity. I think she made the right choice to cut things off with her FWB. Hopefully things will work out for them in the long run.
 jerrysheart
Joined: 11/9/2006
Msg: 165
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/26/2013 8:18:00 PM

have an XB-FWB and I'm dating others.


Dear sunFORsome, (why isn't it sunFORall?)

i just gotta let you know your publicly stating that you have an XB - FWB
is really deppressing to a guy like me. i gotta think that on a first
date if i do the slightest thing wrong, i'm quickly forgoten history because
you got and easier route to have a good time.

that is all.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 166
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/27/2013 3:19:36 PM

(melissa0607) The thing that blows my mind the most about this whole thread is that anyone tells anyone about their FWB situations. That is your personal business and does not need to be shared.


There are compelling arguments on both sides of this issue, i.e. telling about your sexual past vs. keeping quiet about it. I don't like someone deciding for me what I need to know; on the other hand, it is personal information, and if it's in the past, then I fall on the NOYB side of things. However, the OP's situation wasn't in the past: it was very much current.


There is no way to hear things like that about someone you like and not be bothered.


Very true. People should not ask questions if they're not able to deal with the answers.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 167
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/27/2013 3:26:26 PM

(sunFORs0me) Of course, it's not in her benefit to be honest. There's a good chance that her current boyfriend might not take things with her too seriously because of this bit of information.


This is a common mental contortion used by people who lack maturity: rather than seeing that the FwB is the problem, they determine that talking about it is the problem. That's like a murderer saying his crime was being caught, not in committing murder in the first place.
 SunForSome
Joined: 7/27/2012
Msg: 168
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/27/2013 5:54:06 PM
This is a common mental contortion used by people who lack maturity: rather than seeing that the FwB is the problem, they determine that talking about it is the problem. That's like a murderer saying his crime was being caught, not in committing murder in the first place.


Having a FWB is not the same as committing murder.

It's more like having a fast food diet. There's just better food for you out there. Some people care about their health and they want to make good decisions regarding the food they eat. The more nutritional value information that is provided upfront... the better decisions people can make. If you love chicken nuggets... well that's great! However, I don't think people should pass chicken nuggets off as healthy food. Then again... you can't force people to eat grilled chicken just because it's healthier for them. People gravitate to what tastes good to them.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 169
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/28/2013 3:53:50 PM

(sunFORsome) Having a FWB is not the same as committing murder.


*sigh* I never said it was... I said the mentality of refusing to see the problem clearly, and instead blaming a side issue, is similar to the mentality of a murderer, who thinks that his having murdered someone isn't the problem: it's his having been caught that is the problem. OP's *HONESTY* is not the problem, and it's stupid to blame it; the problem is her having a FwB that she has gone back to after every failed relationship, so there's no reason to think that she won't again -- that, and not her honesty, is the problem.

This is arguing the analogy. Just like OP, you're all in a snit because you don't like the [pi]analogy, so you'll argue against that, rather than address the *REAL* issue, which is her having a FwB that she runs to whenever she punts a would-be suitor.

Fine. It's like having a pizza, when you know that in 20 minutes you're going out on a date, and you'll be eating again, and if you don't like the food, you can come running back to the pizzeria, and have another pizza. Happy now?
 SunForSome
Joined: 7/27/2012
Msg: 170
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/28/2013 4:54:44 PM
^^^Okay, I see your point Arlo.

I agree that it is a problem maintaining a FwB while trying to cultivate a new relationship. In this case... the FWB has the makings of a primary relationship and the new boyfriend is more likely to be a rebound guy. Even if she wasn't upfront and honest about her circumstances the dynamics involved (i.e. missing seeing the fwb) are likely to cause this new relationship to fail.

Overall, it's better to completely cut ties to the FWB, spend some time alone being single, and then consider whether to pursue a more traditional relationship with someone who is emotionally available to be in a relationship.
 melissa0607
Joined: 2/12/2009
Msg: 171
view profile
History
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/29/2013 9:15:13 AM
If you are truly just FWB with someone then cutting it off and concentrating in the person you are dating should not be an issue. This particular case where the OP is SO close with this guy is probably rare. Anyone I know that has had a FWB it is probably more of an acquaintance than an actual friend. But, I still maintain that whether you have slept with them, intend to sleep with them, whatever, it is no ones business but your own. As long as you are not sleeping with that person while you are dating someone else you do not owe the person you are dating any explanation of who you slept with before them or who you intend to sleep with after them. All telling someone does is cause paranoia and tension and possibly for no good reason. Telling the person or not telling them will not stop you from doing whatever you are going to do, it won't make any difference. If they had never slept together and she was hanging out with him or staying over when she was drunk, would it really make a difference? Even without a history of them sleeping together they could still end up having sex or not having sex. It all comes down to trust in the person you are seeing. Period.

Your only responsibility in a relationship is to be faithful and up front about your current condition. I am friends with someone I slept with a few times years ago, I hardly ever think about the fact that it happened and he is just a friend, nothing more and it would never happen again. We used to sometimes even hang out as a foursome him and a date and me and a date. No reason either of our dates needs to know what happened years ago. All it would do is upset them for no reason.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 172
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/29/2013 9:51:54 AM

If you are truly just FWB with someone then cutting it off and concentrating in the person you are dating should not be an issue.

I think in the OP's situation, or ones not as so far as hers, they think that "cutting it off" just means sex. Problem is, actual execution of sex is not The cut-off point with others, when ya have a real relationship. Some folks in their teens or early 20s may have been duped into that, or through their experience of not being that-into the gfs/bfs they've had may believe that... but as life goes on, through 1st hand or 2nd hand experiences, they'll realize that the cut-off point is well before s-e-x.

Anyone I know that has had a FWB it is probably more of an acquaintance than an actual friend.

They may have been a Booty Call, not a FWB. A FWB doesn't have to be a close friend of course. If they're too close a friend and you hang out a lot -- you're basically DATING. If they're a group-friend who you mingle with a bit more when everyone's going out -- sure, they're not a close friend, someone you legit consider a friend who you're porking on the side. But to call them a mere acquaintance wouldn't fit the bill of FWB -- when you start sleeping with someone, they go from acquaintance to more than that... It'd have to be a situation where you're not sleeping with them, but you have slept together and very well may sleep together at some time in the future, to better call it an acquaintance w/ benefits.

As long as you are not sleeping with that person while you are dating someone else you do not owe the person you are dating any explanation of who you slept with before them or who you intend to sleep with after them.

Totally disagree. The cut-off point isn't banging. If choose to frequently hang out 1-on-1 with the person while being in a Relationship with someone, you're giving up that "right" of privacy of what the emotions are, etc. One would be a complete moron to be fine with their SO be in an on-going, non-platonic 1-on-1 relationship with someone, even if physically it's held to a stop before sex.

Telling the person or not telling them will not stop you from doing whatever you are going to do, it won't make any difference.

I disagree. Horrible, unethical excuse, too. You realize most people who cheat on someone with a "friend" didn't have some game-plan to do so while in a relationship -- it many times "just happens". Letting the person know brings attention to themselves what's up -- makes them less naive to themselves. If it isn't so bad -- why hide it?

Again, hiding that one's continuing a relationship with someone who they have feelings for is wrong to an SO. Even if they cut themselves short of banging. That's not a faithful victory. Continuing such a relationship 1-on-1, knowing feelings, etc -- by itself, is crossing the line. That's why you don't want to tell an SO.
 toronto_gal2012
Joined: 10/26/2012
Msg: 173
FWB and new BF
Posted: 6/2/2013 11:29:41 PM
@danceyface, read messages 189 & 191. Why you picking on me. I am not the only one who responded like this. If a man has a fwb's he is not questioned or put down, but if a women does it she is looked at completely different.
and for the record, I would never have a fwb if I had a boyfriend.

You also said this, "If you decide to keep this FWB relationship while stringing your boyfriend along, I sincerely hope your BF gets a clue and finds someone who will treat him better. " I would never do anything like that, thats not me,
 KatarzynaLuiza
Joined: 10/5/2012
Msg: 174
FWB and new BF
Posted: 6/3/2013 11:05:58 AM
Ppl don learn nothing. Lesson for future DONT SLEEP OR EVEN DATE UR FRIENDS. I lost my good friend n we tried to date n it did no work. If u would told me that u want to see someone u are sleeping with when u are no in relationship I would be done with u. U pick ur bf or ur fwb are u for real ?
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 175
FWB and new BF
Posted: 6/3/2013 11:28:50 AM
toronto_gal,

If a man has a fwb's he is not questioned or put down, but if a women does it she is looked at completely different.

Totally not true. A GF is not going to be more cool with her guy having a FWB, than a BF feeling about his girl having a FWB. If you HAVE a FWB while in a relationship, you're either in an open-relationship or cheating -- nobody's cool with it.

The OP pointed out that her relationship with her FWB was a close one where it just has platonic Boundaries when either of them would be dating someone. Most people who've gone through the gauntlet of life and understanding the human condition from the inside & outside looking in, know that's a recipe for disaster.

There's a difference between someone you know who's not much more than an acquaintance, who WAS a FWB.... VS someone you have a close relationship with who is an on-again-off-again FWB where you merely put up platonic Boundaries while one of you is dating someone. The need to have the latter is emotionally driven. No GF/BF would want their significant other having that type of relationship under their watch.

If you're talking about not telling your GF/BF that Sally or Bob WAS a FWB, and Sally or Bob is just on their Facebook friends list and for all practical purposes a friend-of-a-friend nowadays, that's more understandable. But if they were going to want to have a close friendship/relationship with Sally or Bob, yah -- they need to Not do that, but if they were to, they need to tell their GF/BF about that history with Sally or Bob. The reason some folks would still hide it is because THEY wouldn't like it -- and for good reason.
 toronto_gal2012
Joined: 10/26/2012
Msg: 176
FWB and new BF
Posted: 6/3/2013 1:24:57 PM
This is my last post on this topic.
Seems everyone thinks they know what is best and have made themselves councellors or relationship experts,
and for all you single men and women on the forums,
if your such good experts on relationships , then why are you still single.
I don't expect much from this site, mainly to pass time and read the forums.

happy fishing to all, ;-)
 toronto_gal2012
Joined: 10/26/2012
Msg: 177
FWB and new BF
Posted: 6/3/2013 6:57:06 PM
re-read what I wrote. I clearly stated that I would not have a fwb if I had a bf.
there are so many people out there, male or female who are in a fwb situations.
why bring up something that happened many years ago.
does that mean if I were to meet someone knew I would have to tell him about a fwb
that I had over 5 years ago, someone I don't even talk to anymore.
as for picking on me, there are other women who posted in the same way I did
why are you not picking on them
or is it because you read that others are.
as for the original poster, she deleted her profile on here
and is only seeing her bf and has cut off all ties with the fwb.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 178
FWB and new BF
Posted: 6/4/2013 9:14:34 AM
This is my last post on this topic.

It wasn't. :)

Seems everyone thinks they know what is best and have made themselves councellors or relationship experts

It doesn't take an "expert" by any stretch of the imagination to know that a vast majority of people would not want their Significant Other having a close 1-on-1 relationship with someone else who they bang when single and put up platonic boundaries when one or the other is dating someone (as an excuse).

There was a thread here in the past asking if giving oral sex was cheating. Seriously? Does it take an expert to say Yes? Would that be an excuse for the OP in that thread when they hear a "Hell Yeah" feedback lambasting them?

Yes, someone else here argued that one should hide the fact that their close 1-on-1 relationship with their "friend" was a FWB, and quite possibly to be a FWB in the future. That kind of bleeds into another thread about having 1-on-1 friendship/relationships with the opposite sex when dating someone. A reason why people may be too hasty about a new SO having a 1-on-1 friendship/relationship with the opposite-sex. Because unfortunately a minority of people actually believe that it should remain hidden if they still want that close relationship with that person, while in dating-relationship with someone else.

Again, there's a difference between someone who's now-a-mere-acquaintance who used to be a FWB, VS someone who's still-a-close-1on1-companion who was recently a FWB but platonic boundaries yet again raised up for the time being because someone's dating someone else. The first, I can understand not revealing it. The second, is a very different story. No "expert" required to notice the difference.
 or_current_resident
Joined: 6/3/2013
Msg: 179
FWB and new BF
Posted: 6/7/2013 4:34:39 PM
Message:
Oh yaaaa, someone said something about exhibiting remorse? What for? I haven't cheated on anyone, I haven't been dishonest, either by outright lie or omission. And don't feel sorry for my current BF, the man is deliriously happy - it's not that he's nutless, but because I'm actually very sweet and nice to him. I know I have double standards,


imo, you folks who can only do fwb's there is no set rules of the people u can dig or other person's u are entertaining. As your other bf he is along for the ride as long it last so it's no big deal as he knows your mo & u know his.


but I usually tell a guy from the get-go -- I mean from the FIRST meet and greet -- actually sometimes from the first conversation. I think that's much better than finding out after months of dating, don't you think?


And as for cheating some might say u are only cheating yourself but Ill leave that alone for another thread.

As many here enjoy the fwb relationships & no one is hurt or complaining cuz that's both your mo's. So don't feel guilt.
 Lone-Loser
Joined: 10/11/2012
Msg: 180
FWB and new BF
Posted: 6/12/2013 8:36:05 AM
I honestly think your best move would be cut off all contact with the FWB for as long as the current relationship lasts. Then TRY A REAL relationship with the former friend.

A great lover/partner is also a great friend, and often it starts that way. I think your confused, and if 'I' was the 'new guy' i'd personally drop you on the spot, since I would only be a reststop on your path in life. I'd always feel that way, and I would hate to have to say 'no you cannot see your friend' because of the past you had.

Honestly think your being unfair to the 'new' partner, regardless of how he is about it(He could just be trying to be 'good' with it to keep you.)
 sddude
Joined: 12/9/2007
Msg: 181
view profile
History
FWB and new BF
Posted: 6/13/2013 12:16:37 PM
I had several GF's that told me that that they still see and spend time with a FWB, I told them that I have been cheated on alot for being so easygoing and permissive to them, also told them I had alot of female friends but do not hang out with FWB because I really never had one, she is either a prospect or is not or I am in the friend zone of a prospect etc...
So I let them but I test them to show them how they feel when they find me asleep with two or three friends in my bed after all night looking a internet videos and they doing nails etc... pizza beer and just chilling arguements and cat fights sometimes break out.

Not all people who do it like it done to them.

Personally I do not feel secure about that my GF hanging with someone who has had routine sexual tensions and activities as a normal everyday affair, to them it is not a big deal to have sex with a FWB while having a BF, they usually explain " oh I made a simple mistake, meant nothing...." I am not the jealous type, but when one cares for one's self and the other person, we want to feel exclusive and important emotionally not just backup or rebound while having the partner with their just in case when loney guy to fvck .

I would never do that or at least hang out like before to respect the relationship
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 182
FWB and new BF
Posted: 6/13/2013 11:40:34 PM

Personally I do not feel secure about that my GF hanging with someone who has had routine sexual tensions and activities as a normal everyday affair, to them it is not a big deal to have sex with a FWB while having a BF, they usually explain " oh I made a simple mistake, meant nothing...."

That's why, when people grow up, they connect the dots. Why would one be stuck on hanging out 1-on-1 with someone who they pork (or are porked by) but think it's OKAY if they're not going for intercourse when with someone and expect an applause? Because they battle with the emotions of temptation. Bottom line is -- don't have a relationship of temptation (tension). It's that simple. If you are, knowingly, whether you deny it to yourself or not, you're cheating.

And as life rolls, there'll always be those people in one's lives who are attractive and one could possibly make a mistake to kiss (and then some?). Purposely keeping something close like that is nuts -- nuts to think that it's somehow okay but turning the tables calling someone out as jealous. That's about folks who aren't over their on-again-off-again ex (FWB or bf/gf or somewhere in between).

If you're in Vegas -- what would you bet on, given 20 different scenarios, even where they swear "I don't cheat!"? Yah. One's not throwing down their money against their "I'm not jealous!" pride. One should be 'jealous' or common-sense when things are wacked-out.
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