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 razors_edge55
Joined: 11/25/2013
Msg: 26
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So TodayPage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
The truth is the last three words ,,,,,,, They are gone , ,,,,, we must all deal with that. As they say , just do it .
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 27
So Today
Posted: 2/14/2014 3:54:54 PM

will always mourn the loss of loves and of dreams of better worlds. I wont drown in that mourning, nor call upon everyone around be to join in. But it is a part of my entirety, that I have felt deeply about others, and have retained some aspect of that caring after they are gone.


Thanks for the nice thoughts Igor! I'm no longer drowning...just remembering a significant loss... That in large part framed me to be the man I am today.
 DaisyDotes
Joined: 2/6/2014
Msg: 28
So Today
Posted: 2/15/2014 1:34:36 PM
I don't let people measure my grief or tell me when I should be over the death of my husband. I don't think I will ever be the same and I don't expect to. My life without him has been forever changed and I will forever miss him.
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 29
So Today
Posted: 2/15/2014 2:56:08 PM

I don't let people measure my grief or tell me when I should be over the death of my husband. I don't think I will ever be the same and I don't expect to. My life without him has been forever changed and I will forever miss him


While I'm way over those 5 stages of grief, I do, from time to time, experience what I call situational grief. It's usually happens during what I call "the dates"...those days like Valentine's Day, Christmas, yada, yada...and during those times it's not like the beginning of grief where sadness envelops the whole day...it's just a period of time during the day where the memories just happen.

Yes, I'm fortunate to have loved til the end....and wonder...will there ever be another beginning that lasts till the end???
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 30
So Today
Posted: 2/15/2014 3:14:47 PM
bigbadnirish- My brothers best friend died many years ago in a car accident right before he was supposed to graduate from high school. To this day, it is hard for me to see his sisters because I can't help but think of him and the person he might have become.
What you are feeling is ok and it's normal.
It's true that time heals, but we are also human and sometimes triggers come along and the wound feels fresh.
Big (((((((hugs))))))) for you.
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 31
So Today
Posted: 2/15/2014 3:26:18 PM

My brothers best friend died many years ago in a car accident right before he was supposed to graduate from high school.


One of my best friends was killed in a car accident on the way home from the beach on senior cut day at the end of our senior year of high school...man was that tough then...I was young and had not experienced any losses like that.

This past summer I was at my golf club and a friend asked me to play golf with one of his friends that was visiting....it turned out the friend of a friend was the brother of my lost buddy. He's married with children in California. But what a sad family-he was the 3rd youngest of 4 an all his brothers have died tragically. "I'm sorry for your loss" is something I've learned to say, and when said to me the only reply is "Thank You"-hopefully moving on to other topics. That's how we both dealt with it that day.


Big (((((((hugs))))))) for you.


Thank you!
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 32
So Today
Posted: 2/15/2014 4:30:32 PM
bigbadnirish- I hope I'm not getting too maudlin here, but my brothers best friends death taught me a lesson.
This was way back in the early 90's. I was still with my ex and we had just moved to Florida, too far away to visit as often as I would have liked.
We came back for Christmas and Benji was walking down the road. My grandparents had just told me that he had been visiting often, knowing I was gone, just to say hi and check on them. I remember thinking, I love this kid and I'm going to tell him (not romantic love, he was like a brother to me). Instead of coming to my grandmothers house, he went to another friends house that was across the street. I told myself that before we left, I would go see him. Time passed too quick and I let the chance pass.
Just a few months later, my brother called at 2 am and gave me the news. All I could think was that last time I saw him and now it was too late to tell him how I felt.
It breaks my heart and even now it makes me cry.
I don't let the chance pass to tell those that I love that I love them, every time I see them.
I wrote a paper about this when I was in nursing school. My teacher entered it into an essay contest on the sly. I titled it " Don't forget to say I love you before you leave". I found out I was a state finalist. I didn't win, (I got third)yet somehow I did.
Writing that paper led to me forgiving myself, but it was a life lesson I'll never forget.
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 33
So Today
Posted: 2/15/2014 4:41:53 PM
Dear Ms Bama,

Most of the reason I started this thread had to do with when I first came here dazed and confused, alone (with my daughters), and adrift.

What I found by drifting into threads that had to do with widow/er issues, was that, writing about my feelings is cathartic, a release, a purging-if you will-of grief...men, at least me, have been told to suck it up, boys don't cry, yada, yada...so, sitting at my keyboard writing and crying anonymously helped me through the grieving process...it stopped me from trying to circumvent the grieving process, with a woman, to fill that emptiness in my heart.

So, I can imagine you found much release in writing your essay as I've found becoming a forum junkie.

I too, have learned to say "I love you"...it's scary though-you'll have to admit-because you might not hear it in return....but, I've also learned that love exists within my heart and yearns to come out....that it might not be returned I refuse to see as a failing of myself...it just wasn't meant to be reciprocated (I know-we speak of different types of love).
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 34
So Today
Posted: 2/15/2014 5:13:27 PM
bigbadnirish- What you speak of is one of the reasons I stay on these forums.
Being able to reach out to others helps.
I don't know why some people think feelings are a weakness in a man, it says the opposite to me.
I lead with my heart, sometimes to my detriment, but I wouldn't change it if I could.
Kindness and compassion are all too rare in this world and it makes me happy to know there are others like me :)
 Peppermint_Petunias
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 35
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So Today
Posted: 2/16/2014 1:20:03 PM
Your reaction ( tears) is a completely normal and expected reaction.

I still cry looking at my dogs pic that passed about 5 years ago remembering her and how funny and loving she was.
I can't imagine what losing someone like that is like.

I'm very sorry you lost her.

My best/oldest friend since I moved here is a widower.
We talk about his late wife at times, who I adored and he has a whole new life with another woman.
You don't erase meaningful years like that.
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 36
So Today
Posted: 2/17/2014 4:41:48 AM

Seems it would be very beneficial for those having issues with their grief to seek counseling and/or grief therapy. Participating on a dating site before one is emotionally ready to date seems unfair to those who are emotionally available. Bottom line is you know you are ready when you don't feel the need to write, talk or start posts about them on a dating site.


Thank you for your kind suggestions. Thank goodness you are not one of those angry people who stalk other's thru the treads spouting relationship opinions with little personal relationship experience. I know kindness, caring, and relationship experience when I hear it.


Kindness and compassion are all too rare in this world and it makes me happy to know there are others like me :)


Thank you again Bama. Clearly there are all types in this wonderful world, and we-you, I, and a few others- identify most with one's who are kind, caring, and compassionate


I still cry looking at my dogs pic that passed about 5 years ago


You, PP, need counseling and are not ready to date!!! Hahahah..just kidding


Your reaction ( tears) is a completely normal and expected reaction.


Ah, no tears on VD...just a momentary sense of sadness and loss.



I'm very sorry you lost her.
You don't erase meaningful years like that.


Thank you PP, your kind words warm my soul.
 DoubleParked
Joined: 10/22/2008
Msg: 37
So Today
Posted: 2/17/2014 2:32:42 PM

Some people would say that I should be well over the passing of my spouse...and I would say that I am...but, situational grief is what I believe I experienced today.

Is it ok to feel as I feel...or should I have that past placed in the closet never to come out again???


In the last few days before my spouse passed away, I had the hospice team help me out. (Wonderful people). As part of the Hospice Program, they provided various support services, for up to a year, to the immediate family, one of which was an on-call grief counselor---not a licensed therapist or such-like, but a volunteer who had gone through the death experience as well and was trained to just 'be there' for a bereaved person in need.

About six months after the fact, I was in terrible need, at the end of my rope, kind of circling the drain emotionally, and knew I needed to talk to SOMEONE who might understand what I was feeling and would give me a hand up out of the abyss. So I called the number and this woman was at my house, it seemed like immediately and she saw my pain and just stayed with me while I blubbered on and on, probably not making much rational sense, but it made sense to her<

And when I finally was a little more coherent, I asked her when the pain would finally go away. She told me that it never really does. I remember my jaw dropping, eyes widening and my brain thinking, 'What, I have to live with this the rest of my life? How can I do that? I can't. The pain is too much. "

She told me that little by little it gets a little less painful. She herself was in her early seventies and had been bereaved maybe 15 years or so. She told me that, even then, at the fifteen year mark, she would be sometimes hit with a sharp pang of lost love and grief, not always at expected times, like funerals, etc. but sometimes just out of the blue when something or situation reminds her of her loss.

It's been almost nine years for me, but the sharp pang of grief still hits me now and then. I just go with it. The emotional energy of profound grief takes a while to discharge. Be patient with yourself and remember the good times.
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 38
So Today
Posted: 2/18/2014 8:22:07 AM

In the last few days before my spouse passed away, I had the hospice team help me out. (Wonderful people).


We had Hospice here for the last month of life. They are wonderful people!


As part of the Hospice Program, they provided various support services, for up to a year, to the immediate family, one of which was an on-call grief counselor


Our Hospice had a 6 week group grief counseling group that I participated in several months after my spouse's passing. As well as, the children and I participating in a year and a half of art expression. (I had to go with the children as their surviving parent.)


About six months after the fact, I was in terrible need


That was about the time the Hospice group started to meet.


She told me that little by little it gets a little less painful.


That's where the expression "Time heals" comes from.


It's been almost nine years for me, but the sharp pang of grief still hits me now and then


People experience grief differently. It's been six years since my wife's death, in the first few years I experience those sharp pains of grief, but for the past few years it's just been a momentary memory and sadness with no sharpness associated.


Be patient with yourself and remember the good times.


Thank you! Good things to focus on by anyone.
 DoubleParked
Joined: 10/22/2008
Msg: 39
So Today
Posted: 2/18/2014 3:39:43 PM
Hospice programs are a godsend. Not sure they exist in all communities. In our case, my spouse's prognosis had to be 6 months or less to live. Had to be signed off by a doctor. Some suffering people (my guy) avoid doctors ,but it is essential that one persist and get the doctors cooperation, esp. if you are the sole caregiver in your home.

A friend who was a nurse had to inform me about the 'Family Medical Leave Act'. I really had no idea that I could take time off to care for my husband, still receive a paycheck and have my job to go back to. Who knew? I didn't. Never expected to be in the position to have to know these things.
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 40
So Today
Posted: 2/18/2014 4:47:41 PM

Hospice programs are a godsend. Not sure they exist in all communities.


I'm not exactly sure how Hospice works, though I'm sure it has to do with population density. In less dense area's, my guess is, that Hospice has regional infrastructure with, either traveling support, or local nurses and CNA's that then report to the regional office.


In our case, my spouse's prognosis had to be 6 months or less to live.


That is probably the Hospice standard for receiving services.


if you are the sole caregiver in your home.


And I was too- for what seemed like an eternity and for a single second.


A friend who was a nurse had to inform me about the 'Family Medical Leave Act'. I really had no idea that I could take time off to care for my husband, still receive a paycheck and have my job to go back to. Who knew?


I already knew about FMLA...that your employer provided pay while on FMLA isn't required, but is a great benefit. Because of the nature of my business, I didn't need to take FMLA, and should I have, it would have cut off my income. The nature of my wife's illness qualified her immediately for Social Security disability payments. One of the two diseases that qualify for such immediate payments.


Who knew? I didn't. Never expected to be in the position to have to know these things.


Who ever does?

DP, please accept my sincerest sympathies for your loss!
 DoubleParked
Joined: 10/22/2008
Msg: 41
So Today
Posted: 2/18/2014 5:43:06 PM
Yes ,who ever does know what fate has in store for them<
 jlynn1955
Joined: 8/24/2012
Msg: 42
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History
So Today
Posted: 2/19/2014 9:40:35 PM
It is ok to feel what ever you feel. There is not set time frame when it comes to grief. I think grief is like the waves of the ocean. It ebbs and flows.

I never pay attention to what "some people" say or what "they" say. The only thing that matters is what I feel. The loss of a spouse is one of the most traumatic things that can happen to a person. Give yourself a break....

My father died January 10, 2013. Hospice called me once a month or so for about 6 months. I received cards, etc on a fairly regular basis for the entire year after he died. Although I didn't really want all of that, I considered it very thoughtful of them...
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 43
So Today
Posted: 2/20/2014 4:18:43 AM
I think grief is like the waves of the ocean. It ebbs and flows.


What a wonderful thought which mirrors something I thought about and wrote when I first came to the forum...it went something like this:


At first grief or loss is like being caught in the surf on a stormy day, with waves crashing all around you. As you struggle towards the shore another wave of grief overtakes you and pulls you back towards the sea. And this happens continually till through the course of time the storm lessens and eventually we make it to the shore. And like most fierce storms, after it is over, the sun comes shining out, the waves subside, and the ocean of grief returns to a calm state.

After resting a bit in the sun, we return to that calm sea and let the gentle waves of memory sooth us.



It's been a long time since I thought those thoughts so it might not be as beautiful as I first remembered and wrote.
 DaisyDotes
Joined: 2/6/2014
Msg: 44
So Today
Posted: 2/20/2014 6:31:59 AM
I cry for the loss of my Mother when ever I need to and she has been dead since 1968. Some people pass away and our lives are never the same... as they should be. The death of a loved one will change your life forever.
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 45
So Today
Posted: 2/20/2014 1:24:53 PM
That is so sweet!

My mom passed in 1986 and my sister and I still have a cry about missing her now and again!
 perre62
Joined: 12/2/2012
Msg: 46
So Today
Posted: 2/22/2014 12:41:29 PM
BBNI,

I just want you to know how much comfort that your posts, and wisdom have given me. I lost my wife three years ago, after a long illness. She passed away in my arms, from a pulmonary embolism, and it destroyed me for a time.

Like you, I joined this site...reaching out. Your insight has put into words, for me some of things that I've felt.

Thank you.
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 47
So Today
Posted: 2/24/2014 3:52:29 AM
http://forums.plentyoffish.com/15226731datingPostpage28.aspx


Like you, I joined this site...reaching out. Your insight has put into words, for me some of things that I've felt.


Thank you for your kind words. Who knew that one day we would belong to the club no one wants to join?

The above link is to a thread I prefer to refer to as the "do"s and don't of widow/er dating". You may wish to take a gander.
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 48
So Today
Posted: 2/28/2016 12:28:37 PM

It's been almost nine years for me, but the sharp pang of grief still hits me now and then. I just go with it. The emotional energy of profound grief takes a while to discharge. Be patient with yourself and remember the good times.


Tomorrow is the second anniversary, in leap years, or the 8th anniversary in real years since the passing of my spouse. And today the sharpness of loss is once again setting in. Today is a day I'm in that ocean of grief letting gentle waves of memory wash over me.

In a way, this past year has been out of "my normal." I didn't fall into the dread of "Christmas" or all the other "dates." Yet, today seems like all the emotion of those missed dates is compounded into today.

Sigh....I've deleted what I just wrote...it was cathartic to write what I wrote, but too personal to share. Anyway...thanks all for listening.
 CarefreeBeauty
Joined: 5/30/2014
Msg: 49
So Today
Posted: 2/29/2016 7:54:10 AM
bbirish^^^

those sudden waves of tenderness and longing can catch you by surprise.

you'll be okay~
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 50
So Today
Posted: 2/29/2016 9:11:21 PM
bigbadnirish- Of course it is ok.
You were at a funeral, which is already a sad occasion, and then there was a picture of you with your late wife.
I think you had a natural and very human reaction.
She was a big part of your life, you shared memories, moving on doesn't make that any less true.
I will never understand people who tell other people not to feel.
Feeling reminds us we are vulnerable, and that scares some people, but being vulnerable means we are open and we care and that's nothing to be scared about.
I would be more worried if you felt nothing, than the fact you felt so much.
It tells me you are a good person and we need more of those in the world. :)
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