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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > You'll find someone when you stop looking      Home login  
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 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 26
You'll find someone when you stop lookingPage 2 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

When I get laid off from work, I'll stop looking for another job and let the job find me instead.


Maleman, oddly enough, I have used that analogy when people have thrown that old chestnut at me.

You want a new job, you look for one. You want a new house, you go look for one. You don't wait for them to come to you.

One - jobs and places to live are actual needs. Romantic relationships are not things you can't live without (no matter what you want to tell yourself about that - if they were, being single would have killed you and you'd not be here to discuss getting into a relationship).

Two, it takes another human being to make a relationship actually happen, so you can chart, graph, plan and pursue all you want, it takes someone else to agree to want to be bothered with you or none of that matters. Houses and jobs aren't living things that make choices. Houses and jobs aren't going to have to decide to team up with you in order to go forward.

Three - if you are social enough and happy enough for the most part, you will meet people in your daily travels, and one of those people will likely end up someone you date - you just needn't worry about that unless/until it's actually happening to you. Life's too short to spend wondering what it would be like if things were different.

P.S. I did land a job or two in my day when not looking - but the actual formula that applies in all cases is to get out and about socially in general without an agenda and be open to what comes your way.
 NonamousDog
Joined: 4/20/2011
Msg: 27
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 6/24/2013 9:48:11 AM
Isn't making the effort to get out and about socially an 'agenda' in itself?

In any case, I think a man will benefit from a different level of pro-activeness than will a woman.
 midable
Joined: 5/19/2013
Msg: 28
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 6/24/2013 11:38:16 AM
You never know when you will meet your partner. But the law of averages is at work... if you are doing things right, the more single people you meet, such as on a dating site, the more chances you'll have and the more likely you will meet someone sooner rather than later.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 29
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 6/24/2013 4:38:40 PM

Isn't making the effort to get out and about socially an 'agenda' in itself?

Only if you don't like people, or socializing - most people like being around other people for the sake of it, naturally if you are socializing with some other goal in mind, you're looking to frustrate yourself. If you generally like to be social and learn about people as you go about your day - you're likely to make friends doing it - though you may not be trying for it.

In any case, I think a man will benefit from a different level of pro-activeness than will a woman.

Depends on how much a woman will want to work with what comes at her. Just because men will make the first move more often doesn't mean as a woman who's approached you'll meet someone you actually have interest in if you sit back and do nothing. To some degree you're going to have to compromise if you don't want to proactively participate (and you're trying to get away from being single, which can cause you to make bad choices and is a whole other thread entirely).

Bottom line is the person who's the most comfortable in life single or not and who's the most personable and willing to approach and talk to people with no expectation will benefit the most (and they'll care the least about it).
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 30
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 6/24/2013 5:26:43 PM

Only if you don't like people



Someone hit me over the head with reality!!!!!

I always knew I had a "problem", I just couldn't figure it out. No worries now,WIP nailed it for me again.

Actually she all she did was remind me of the obvious.
 GJBrown
Joined: 9/12/2011
Msg: 31
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 6/24/2013 7:27:50 PM
its 2013 and its still mostly the men who ask out the women. Man stops looking, Man stops finding!
Unless you are part of a social group or club where you are actually encouraged to mingle its hard to try to get someones attention and put your self out there. I work in retail and see beautiful women everyday and never talk to them outside of doing my job and being polite. Its just hard for most guys. Harder if you are shy

And it seems women have gotten so used to meeting people at classes, clubs,bars, party, mutual friends. That when some random guy approaches they might dismiss him as stranger danger. Anyway you can stop looking but it will really decrease your chances of finding anyone
 NonamousDog
Joined: 4/20/2011
Msg: 32
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 6/26/2013 9:51:02 AM
WomanInProgress@
"Only if you don't like people, or socializing.."

Depends entirely on the kind of community you live in and the social conditions there. I've done a lot of socializing over the years that did not result in my accidently meeting someone new. I've always had more luck meeting new people when I've made explicit choices to get out of various social ruts.
Believe it or not, the universe does not automatically supply an active and satisfying social life to everyone, at no charge. You tend to get out of it what you put into it.

 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 33
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 6/26/2013 11:30:34 AM

WomanInProgress@
"Only if you don't like people, or socializing.."

Depends entirely on the kind of community you live in and the social conditions there.

Agreed that if you live somewhere there are no people, it's not possible. Beyond that it's a choice to get out more, or make an effort to connect with fellow human beings.

I've done a lot of socializing over the years that did not result in my accidently meeting someone new.

You must live somewhere no new people migrate to. I've met a lot of new people that way, and not because I set out to. I live in a pretty small state too, so I know it's not because of the population.

I've always had more luck meeting new people when I've made explicit choices to get out of various social ruts.

To me, socializing is on the fly - never in the same place. At the gas station, over the phone or in the booth at work, when out with friends, at coffee shops, restaurants, etc. - I just talk to people everywhere I go. Occupational hazard, I guess.

Believe it or not, the universe does not automatically supply an active and satisfying social life to everyone, at no charge. You tend to get out of it what you put into it.

Naturally if you don't make conversation with people in your travels, you don't tend to go anywhere daily (like for food, groceries, oil changes, coffee, meals at restaurants, movie theaters, supply stores, etc), or there are just no people where you live to run into - then socializing isn't going to happen...I realize that.
 Sciencetreker
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 34
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You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 6/26/2013 3:45:22 PM
Na, silly. It implies humans can't walk and chew gum at the same time. Males for the most part are always looking...from early teens till we die. It never shuts off. When we are in a relationship we can be faithful to our partner and love her to pieces but we never actually turn off the radar.

A Not looking veneer might apply to some unattached humans but for the most part it's defensive...a subconscious attempt to salvage self worth and justify being single.

Someone in a grocery store line up is not more inclined to talk to you if you don't say hi and smile...the same way you're not going to meet someone at a party if you don't go. You aren't going to meet someone on line if you don't sign up.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 35
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 6/29/2013 12:06:35 PM

Basically the same romantic rubbish pumped out in Disney films.

The rubbish pumped out in Disney films will teach women (especially if they think it's a model to follow instead of just entertainment, as it should be interpreted) they should search/wait for an idealistic man to rescue them and make them happy, and that not much else matters. So it's rubbish, yes absolutely - but it's far from the stop searching theory - it's more like the contrary "focus on romance every minute because your life is meaningless without a partner" rubbish.

I don't really blame Disney/Pixar, it's just making stories come to life - I blame adults for not explaining what these movies are about before kids watch 'em.
 Sciencetreker
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 36
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You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 6/29/2013 1:17:40 PM
^^^^humans are social beings...male /female. Despite our new social correctness to the contrary, life is all about pairing up and bonding. Sure, there is more to life but it's peripheral to essence of what we are. Can we be happy single?...'sort of'. Is life meaningful without a partner...'sort of'.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 37
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 6/29/2013 1:27:05 PM

^^^^humans are social beings...male /female. Despite our new social correctness to the contrary, life is all about pairing up and bonding. Sure, there is more to life but it's peripheral to essence of what we are. Can we be happy single?...'sort of'. Is life meaningful without a partner...'sort of'.

Pairing off in romantic relationships does not in itself cure the human need for social interaction. We have a ton of other types of relationships we get companionship from, both human and non - so being single is not the equivalent of social isolation (unless, of course you don't have any other kind of relationship in your life in which case you're asking a lot of someone you intend to pair off with and you should likely beef your circle up a bit for your sake and theirs).

Romantic relationships are nice when they happen and good for you when you meet someone who can merge with or add to your happiness (yes you should be happy already) - but they are far from the only way we interact with other human beings...

The idea that people were put on earth to pair bond and procreate as priority is programming from a community or family that wants to make it a priority for the sake of...whatever the agenda is (population, heritage, culture). We can certainly do more as humans than just that (and we have).

The problem is there are a lot of adults who think this is the way life is suppose to be. Why do you think so many people plan to have a fairy tale wedding-or at least, a close proximity to the fairy tale version?

The parents weren't told by their parents either I suspect. Yes, a lot of people plan the wedding but don't give much realistic consideration to the marriage that follows. As a wedding DJ for over 20 years, there was a lot of "let's plan something astronomical and then worry if we're a good match and/or if we can pay for it later".
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 38
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 6/29/2013 1:45:38 PM

I don't really blame Disney/Pixar, it's just making stories come to life - I blame adults for not explaining what these movies are about before kids watch 'em.


The problem is there are a lot of adults who think this is the way life is suppose to be. Why do you think so many people plan to have a fairy tale wedding-or at least, a close proximity to the fairy tale version?
 Ladyinred4755
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 39
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 6/29/2013 2:04:44 PM

When you lose your car keys, do you know why they're always in the last place you look? Because after you find them, you stop looking for them.
LOL I have pretty much said this many times! Of course you stop looking! Could be minutes, hours, days, etc. (ok maybe months, LOL) you have to hunt, but hopefully sooner than later, you find whatever the hell you're looking for. Why on earth would you keep looking for something you have found? ....As for "looking" for whomever, for whatever reason, I knew if I sat at home waiting for a man to come knocking at my door, I would surely be disappointed. The Fed Ex guy is too young and the UPS man is married.
 lostnfoundluv
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 40
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 6/30/2013 7:25:18 PM
the theory could be you will find someone when you stop looking with your eyes and start feeling with your heart .
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 41
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/4/2013 7:23:55 PM
well, its pretty simple:

when you aren't looking, you stop looking like someone who's looking. your needs are being met, so you stop that thing you do where you look at everyone to see if they are a potential for meeting your needs.

you probably don't realize you do it, your head swiveling around as each person gets near. but, have you ever walked into a building, there's a smartly dressed person standing next to a table with a clipboard. what's your first impression? oh crap, they're going to bother me for something. you don't know if that's true, you don't think, "what an odd coincidence, they're dressed to impress, they just happen to have a list of things, and they're standing in a spot where they can meet people walking by. Its all just a coincidence."

nope, what you do is prepare to be asked a question, for a donation, or some other bother.

its just like being single for too long. you stop ignoring people like you used to (you didn't even realize it, did you?) because they may be able to offer you what your ex used to offer you, but of course doesn't now. everyone's a potential you didn't need before, but now you need that potential. you want to get back in the game. so you're looking for that openning. you check out their body...and maybe go no further to learn anything else about them.

or you look further, to see what kind of personality they have--do they handle themselves, or hide themselves? you just want that spark, that person who makes life fun again. someone new, someone fun to get to know, someone who can impress you, not just be a lump in bed. someone you want to take on a date, b/c going alone can be fun, but there is that companionship you miss.

even when I'm looking, I've had people scare me off b/c it was so obvious they were looking. five seconds into a convo, they're trying to impress me with how cool they are. all the cool things they do. they're running their mouth like its a resume for a girlfriend. they want to know someone's impressed with them, otherwise why are they so undesired?

when you chase, you leave no room to be chased. a woman's too busy backing you off, to make a pass at you. sorta like a fist fight :) rain in the punches, they're too busy to set up and return on your jaw.
 localRenoite12
Joined: 4/17/2013
Msg: 42
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/5/2013 3:17:46 PM
I also noticed a lot of this "waiting advice" comes from women. Well that makes sense since the guys do the approaching and women really don't have to actively seek a partner. Most men simply do not have this luxury and as such we cannot just wait and expect a woman to approach us.
 GJBrown
Joined: 9/12/2011
Msg: 43
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/5/2013 7:40:59 PM
^^^^^
indeed. thats how it is for modern man and woman
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/6/2013 10:00:41 AM
^ But the problem with this is that you're really only talking about how you look. The person who socialized without seeing someone as a potential mate but made a connection with them along them lines...was still looking, or else they wouldn't have made that connection - they were still open/receptive to meeting someone, or they still wanted someone, etc. (unless it's a case of someone accepting a connection just for the hell of it, and that's not what we're talking about) The way that some people look or socialize is either self-defeating or not compatible with some of the people that they're looking at...sure...but that's a whole different subject. That's about compatibility (in the area of how you socialize or look), or about how to go about things, where to go and how to approach someone, or about "just being yourself" instead of going through certain motions or putting on a different personality or not being in the right head-space...or whatever, etc. But the concept of "stopping looking" in order to "find someone" is wacked out crazy-azzed bizarre-sounding nonsense.

One of the things that I require in a woman/long term monogamous close connection...is a woman that is very clear about the fact that she wants someone, instead of it being something that she doesn't care that much about finding...and, she's not leaving it up to chance and is being proactive in one way or the other, because she doesn't want just anybody, and so has the intelligence and responsibility to understand that not doing anything, or not communicating clearly about who she wants, or not knowing herself what she wants, gives her exposure to only certain kinds of men in a way that might be limited, and is a sure way to stack those odds and chances against herself. And since she's someone who really does want something like what I describe, and really does care about it, she's going to do things the one way versus the other way.
 localRenoite12
Joined: 4/17/2013
Msg: 45
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/6/2013 10:05:41 AM

I dont think this is just a woman thing, the point of it is just try to be sociable and not see that cute woman as a potential mate but rather a potential friend and if anything builds from it thats a bonus its worked for me in the past atleast and im a guy. Women can usually tell what a guy's intentions are from how he approaches her etc so if you are just being friendly with no agenda atleast in my experience has got a much better response.


If you try to build a friendship that's what you're going to get and usually nothing more. It almost seems like you have to let women know you're attracted to them within the first few times you interact with them or else they don't see you as dating material. I have a lot of female friends and not one of those friendships ever led to a relationship. The whole "building a friendship" approach seems like it rarely works but I suppose you can never have enough friends.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 46
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/6/2013 11:55:13 AM

I've had people scare me off b/c it was so obvious they were looking. five seconds into a convo, they're trying to impress me with how cool they are. all the cool things they do. they're running their mouth like its a resume for a girlfriend. they want to know someone's impressed with them, otherwise why are they so undesired?

when you chase, you leave no room to be chased. a woman's too busy backing you off, to make a pass at you. sorta like a fist fight :) rain in the punches, they're too busy to set up and return on your jaw.

Message 46 gets the idea. You can be out and about and meet people without an agenda and still end up involved - and if you're not actually searching, you might leave room for learning about someone new and that person actually being receptive to you instead of trying to avoid being hit on. As a woman I can't tell you how many people I might have learned more about had they not been clearly angling for some reason to get to the next step, whatever that was. I can't feel someone out and decide I like them if I'm just trying to sidestep advances anbd bottom line.

I also noticed a lot of this "waiting advice" comes from women. Well that makes sense since the guys do the approaching and women really don't have to actively seek a partner. Most men simply do not have this luxury and as such we cannot just wait and expect a woman to approach us.

2 things in response to this:
1. Men approaching women doesn't make it easier for the women to get what they actually want, unless they just want to go with whatever comes at them to avoid effort - or they like aggressive men (and yes, a lot of them do).
2. I approach men most of the time - because the men I like won't approach me. Those that do are usually overbearing, too forward, and have no interest in my input to the interaction. While some women like being swept of their feet - to me that means I have no say in what's happening to me, which isn't really my scene. I still believe that not seeking something but being open to it should I bump into it works better for me - the men who approach me aren't relevant in my equation.

One of the things that I require in a woman/long term monogamous close connection...is a woman that is very clear about the fact that she wants someone, instead of it being something that she doesn't care that much about finding...and, she's not leaving it up to chance and is being proactive in one way or the other, because she doesn't want just anybody, and so has the intelligence and responsibility to understand that not doing anything, or not communicating clearly about who she wants, or not knowing herself what she wants, gives her exposure to only certain kinds of men in a way that might be limited, and is a sure way to stack those odds and chances against herself. And since she's someone who really does want something like what I describe, and really does care about it, she's going to do things the one way versus the other way.

This was a run-on sentence, so let me just break it down altogether in my response.

A woman who's clear she wants someone is going to be less picky about who she dates than someone who is open to dating but not looking to land someone. I am way more particular about who I date, and I only date guys I actually want to date. Women on the hunt to get someone to pair off with will tend to date to stay busy, and date men they kinda like but aren't nuts about - because they are trying to hurry up and get un-single. Take it from me, I have a ton of girlfriends who will get less and less picky the longer they're single because they are programmed to think something is wrong with being single.

That's totally different from wanting a certain thing if it materializes and knowing what that is - and then holding out for it while enjoying life regardless of whether or not you're dating someone. If it crosses your path, great - if it doesn't, that's fine too. That doesn't mean if you bump into what you want you won't appreciate it - on the contrary I think you'll appreciate it more since it's not easy to find. Not hunting down a guy and throwing a net over his head isn't the same as not knowing what you want. Being OK single also isn't a sign of not knowing what you want. Not sure why this is being confused as connected.

I personally don't want someone who's going to think the relationship and having an SO is the only thing that should be going on - for people who don't want someone to focus on anything else but finding someone, why? I don't understand why the person you get involved with has to revolve around (you and) the relationship or be lost without someone else - is it a matter of security maybe? It's more of a testament to you being important that someone would be fine single but prefers to be with you than it is that someone hates being single and may be with you to avoid having to go back to it.

Again, I never hunted for guys to date, yet I always date guys I actually want to date - because I remain open to it. I approach the guys I'm interested in if I cross paths with them - but I don't go out looking for places to find them (I always found it odd when women looked for men - if anything, it's hard to miss them in many places in the course of a day). If one that interests me crosses my path I acknowledge it and take it from there. If he doesn't, that's fine too.
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/6/2013 3:06:34 PM
womaninprogress...wow, I think you need to re-read what I've written, and read what you've written. Think about them for a minute, what we're both trying to say, and what we both think we're trying to say...see if everything makes sense to you and if you see any inconsistencies.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 48
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You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/6/2013 8:01:29 PM
All the relationships I have ever had in my life were based on what I initiated not something I stumbled upon by accident or was approached by a woman.This platitude pretty much doesn't really apply to men all that much frankly. Females though are probably split on this platitude as well given many are members of POF (actively looking and particpating). :)

Let me say it comes down to how you view destiny. Meaning, how much you have control over it?
 GJBrown
Joined: 9/12/2011
Msg: 49
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/6/2013 8:11:31 PM
ahhhhh! I don't get any of this anymore... If you want a girlfriend act like you don't? Find platonic friends of the opposite sex and then never ask them out? I'm confused now about this not looking thing. I mean how many couples do you know they started dating by accident?
I work in retail and I'm tortured by lust everyday and I never know when, who, and how to approach any of the women. or any co worker. But I'm still pretty shy at times yet I know "closed mouths don't get fed" So I see keep looking til you find someone. Some of the people on here are saying keep fishing but don't use any bait! It just doesn't work like that
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/6/2013 9:24:03 PM
^ Yea, this is one of the things I really, really hated to hear people say, because it was so damn stupid..."you haven't found someone because you're looking" (or they say I'm looking too hard)...I saw the stupidity in that because, sometimes they are right about what they think they're trying to say, but they're just not saying it well at all, and that's because they don't understand what they think they're trying to say, and it's because the phrase makes assumptions about how you're looking, which is a very unproductive and self-defeating assumption. A person is projecting, and making assumptions, about how a person looks, if they say that you should stop looking in order to find. And that's what I've been saying in this thread - phrases like this are really talking about how someone looks, not that they're looking in the first place...but when you say it like that, instead of using thoughtfulness in how you phrase things, it simultaneously reveals a major basic misunderstanding of it, a major flaw in how it's being thought about, and causes one to become confused about it even if they originally understood it all correctly.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > You'll find someone when you stop looking