Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > You'll find someone when you stop looking      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 JoeBnD
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 51
You'll find someone when you stop lookingPage 3 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
So where's my harem? Because I really (and I mean REALLY) haven't been looking for years.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 52
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/7/2013 6:25:25 AM
OK....regarding my response earlier to drinkthesun...I was simply saying if you consciously want to find someone, then everything becomes an extension of that. When I was a kid (maybe it's where I'm from?) relationships developed organically. When you're looking, socializing becomes more than just socializing. People start thinking that if they're not going to get something out of socializing, they aren't going to participate. People who socialize and walk away without any type of romantic prospect feel they wasted their time. My point was the mindset causes stress and sometimes will cause the outcome to change.

As a woman, I am particularly put off by someone I can sense is talking to me with some sort of goal in mind. If I don't sense one, I am usually much more open to interacting and may even find them interesting as I am free to learn about them instead of having my guard up. This is why men who are in relationships get more interaction from women - they aren't looking for one, so that underlying vibe of "how can I get this conversation to turn into...?" isn't there, and women can relax, be friendly, just talk without waiting for the big close.

I may have misunderstood the part about what a woman wants - perhaps you meant what women want out of life, I assumed you meant in a relationship or from a man. I guess I should ask you to elaborate or word differently what you meant...if what I said has nothing to do with what you said, just disregard.

And for everyone else - no one's saying don't be open to something - it's more like don't leave the house everyday on a mission to land something. If you are social enough, get out to enough places people are, and you notice a rapport and you're willing to go with something when it starts, the rest tends to happen naturally. If you're not out around a lot of people (and most see quite a few people in their travels daily) then change that - not to find someone to date, but because as humans we all need some sort of social network. If you see a lot of people but don't engage enough of them, change that - not to find someone to date, but because people should learn about each other as they go about their lives.

Last, thinking your life has less meaning while you're single usually causes you to think you need to end being single as soon as possible, which makes you think you have to hunt for someone constantly. Stop thinking that way. That way you're not thinking in terms of not being part of a couple as a context for everything all the time. If you're OK with single and happy regardless, you're less stressed about everyone you meet not turning into the next love of your life - and a lot of them won't. Face it, the less you care, the less it matters what happens. A lot of posts in here are proof that many people take dating and finding someone way too seriously, and aren't able to put it aside and realize there are other things in life to worry about.
 KatarzynaLuiza
Joined: 10/5/2012
Msg: 53
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/7/2013 6:55:32 AM
It is not true. Before joining POF I was totally single. I would go out with friends go walk my dog I work retail part time. For over two years I had zero guy walking up to me to say hi. Although I still didnt find real relationship on here I do occasionally get MSG or even two or three dates. So if u not looking I ain't going to find it. That's for sure.
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/7/2013 7:00:28 AM
(womaninprogress)

Things that you're saying are true, but that view is still just about how someone socializes or looks. It's making the assumption that to look automatically entails looking or socializing in a certain way, and that's just not true for a very many people. I am definately "looking", which means looking everywhere I go...but I'm also capable of socializing "normally" with all kinds of people in all kinds of other capacities, and I do so all of the time very effectively. And I know that I'm not the only one who is like this.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 55
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/7/2013 2:47:35 PM
^^^Then you're gifted. Most people can't look without their prospects picking up on the vibe of them doing so, and being put off by it, because they can't separate the two. Perhaps you can give everyone here who is on the hunt and unable to throw off a non-searching vibe some pointers?
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/7/2013 3:41:24 PM
^ No, I'm not gifted. I'm sure, again, that I'm not special in this. I didn't say that a prospect wouldn't pick up on a vibe (or rather that I'm looking) (maybe simply that I'm not being overbearing and not thinking of them in that way once it's clear that they're not single or looking themselves), and I didn't say that they wouldn't be put off by it. I said that I could socialize normally without the fact that I'm "looking" getting in the way or tweaking how I socialize. We're still thinking about it the wrong way, which will cause you to continue to misunderstand it, and that's because we're still talking about it the wrong way. I cannot give anyone any pointers on how to not give off a non-searching vibe, because that's not what I'm doing and that's not what I'm talking about...you're still misunderstanding what's going on here, what I'm saying, and what you think you mean...you're still thinking about it in the wrong way. You won't get it until you drop certain assumptions and things that, while true, are nonetheless not relevant in the way that you think.
 GJBrown
Joined: 9/12/2011
Msg: 57
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/7/2013 8:36:51 PM
Any woman that is that turned off by the vibe that you want them needs to get over herself. It's human nature for man to want women. They were made for us. "ignoring homosexuality" You can waste your time putting yourself in the friend zone or you can make your intentions clear from the start. Not saying men and women can't be just friends. I will say sometimes its hard to maintain legit friendships with women sometimes.
Anyway If you are not an extra social person you will not meet anyone without putting some effort into it!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 58
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/8/2013 7:36:04 AM

^ No, I'm not gifted. I'm sure, again, that I'm not special in this. I didn't say that a prospect wouldn't pick up on a vibe (or rather that I'm looking) (maybe simply that I'm not being overbearing and not thinking of them in that way once it's clear that they're not single or looking themselves), and I didn't say that they wouldn't be put off by it. I said that I could socialize normally without the fact that I'm "looking" getting in the way or tweaking how I socialize. We're still thinking about it the wrong way, which will cause you to continue to misunderstand it, and that's because we're still talking about it the wrong way. I cannot give anyone any pointers on how to not give off a non-searching vibe, because that's not what I'm doing and that's not what I'm talking about...you're still misunderstanding what's going on here, what I'm saying, and what you think you mean...you're still thinking about it in the wrong way. You won't get it until you drop certain assumptions and things that, while true, are nonetheless not relevant in the way that you think.

Naturally I don't know what you're doing and I don't claim to know. The bottom line is that if someone - not you specifically - is actually looking and making it clear, they'd have to be laid back about it enough not to cause avoidance - or so attractive that the prospect wants to be approached in that context.

It's true that if someone is looking hard for someone to date/get involved with and it permeates their social attitude, they will cause more prospects to avoid them. The topic here is finding someone when not looking, and most of that stems from what you project in your attitude which changes when you don't aggressively pursue it. If you can look while not giving that vibe, that's great. Most people cannot, and it causes them to have a harder time with it.

Any woman that is that turned off by the vibe that you want them needs to get over herself.

It's not about wanting her, so much as it's about wanting "someone" which is just as off putting.

It's human nature for man to want women. They were made for us. "ignoring homosexuality"

Is it human nature to have anything else going on or is that the only thing that matters? That's my point. We do work, hang with friends, shop, drive - there are other things going on in life. Some people never take a break from hunting. That eventually gets in the way of finding. However if you don't hunt and you don't worry about finding, the pressure's off entirely, and you can just enjoy life - whatever happens happens.
Women are everywhere, which makes it a silly activity to seek them (same with men for women).

You can waste your time putting yourself in the friend zone or you can make your intentions clear from the start.

I agree here - if she's not into you, she never will be so it's best to state interest so you can walk away if there is none in return.
Not saying men and women can't be just friends. I will say sometimes its hard to maintain legit friendships with women sometimes. Anyway If you are not an extra social person you will not meet anyone without putting some effort into it!
I agree with all of this.
 pam_beesley
Joined: 7/4/2013
Msg: 59
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/9/2013 7:21:37 AM
I think finding and meeting someone compatible can happen at anytime and anywhere but it's not like it happens frequently.

We as a society of people have become less social and there's less ways to socialize and meet others beyond the usual bars/clubs, which isn't for everyone. I don't think online dating is a good answer to any of our problems as we're shrinking away from socializing/ knowing how to be have towards others, as with everything online just makes people lazier. It's important to socialize in general/everyday settings because the more practice the better you get, and the better you get at interacting with others, the more confident you'll be. When you don't social often or you socialize with the purpose of getting someone, it comes off as creepy, gross, and desperate.

This is the main reason why there's so many people who are single and unhappy. No one really knows how to treat one another as there aren't any clear cut rules on how to behave and what to do.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 60
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/9/2013 9:24:41 AM
I think it was easier to "bump" into a stranger and possibly make a connection in the past. But now, so many people are wired up at all times-staring at a phone, waiting for that life altering "watchya dooin" millionth message of the day while wired up to an I-music machine to block out life noises. People have cocooned themselves, blocking out civilization. I sometimes wonder-how many of these people are actually looking at a dating site on their phones and wondering why they can't hook up with anybody?
 GJBrown
Joined: 9/12/2011
Msg: 61
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/9/2013 11:49:22 AM
"When you don't social often or you socialize with the purpose of getting someone, it comes off as creepy, gross, and desperate."

^^^^ that...
Thats the same thing most people would say about online dating. Unless by "getting someone" you mean getting them naked in bed, then I don't see whats so wrong about it. You saying today a man can't approach a woman he is attracted to and hoping to get her number without her thinking he is creepy gross and desperate!? You must mean the man looks creepy or gross otherwise if the woman is attracted to him and is single and looking she may give that number. Also why would a woman think a man is desperate just for trying to get to know her. Unless she has very low confidence. Is the idea of meeting a stranger and giving him or her a chance so scary these days? Did the Murderers and rapist ruin that for everyone?
Darn it! maybe I should just try to bar/club thing for a while. Or "not look" and wait for a woman to fall in my lap while I'm playing xbox ha
 JoeBnD
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 62
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/9/2013 12:17:08 PM
Also why would a woman think a man is desperate just for trying to get to know her. Unless she has very low confidence. Is the idea of meeting a stranger and giving him or her a chance so scary these days?


Or could it be her confidence level is out of control, bordering on arrogance and she is simply too good for him? Could be some of both.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 63
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/9/2013 12:54:09 PM
I think its possible to look for someone without giving off a "looking" vibe.
To me, looking for someone is being open to the possibility of meeting someone.
I can definitely give off the "I'm not interested" vibe, but I can also do friendly
and I can socialize well.

It's possible to be in a room with a bunch of strangers and meet someone without
giving off desperate vibes. Of course, that's assuming the person you're interested in
is also interested in you. Therein lies the problem for most people I think.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 64
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/9/2013 3:40:10 PM
"You'll find somebody when you stop looking" applies to George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Jon Bob Jovi, and people like that. The average person needs to put some effort into it. I think the phrase refers to being in the right place at the right time, which may or may not happen.
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/9/2013 4:29:15 PM

When you don't social often or you socialize with the purpose of getting someone, it comes off as creepy, gross, and desperate.

Yes, that right there expresses what's so wrong with the thread statement, and shows how bad things can get when you think like this - this quote says that if you are looking for someone or approach someone for the purpose of asking them out or expressing interest, then's there's something wrong with you, you're socially unacceptable, and a just plain aweful creepy gross desperate human being.

All because you approach someone for romantic reasons, or express interest in them. And people in here wonder why it's so hard to meet in real life, or why people won't approach each other in real life. It's greatly because of this attitude that's become a cancerous epidemic. It's way beyond ridiculous.

As I've said before, it's all about how you look...socialize or express interest. What's being said in agreement with "find someone when you stop looking" is valid, and I know what it is, but it's not said well at all...what's actually being said is wrong. You have to be able to communicate something concisely, or else you're wasting effort, and misunderstandings abound. The misunderstandings begin with the person having the original thought - if you don't say something right, then you'll confuse your own self about what you think you're thinking. And, something not being expressed well is an indication that the person saying it doesn't understand it very well themselves.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 66
view profile
History
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/10/2013 11:09:58 AM

"You'll find somebody when you stop looking" applies to George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Jon Bob Jovi, and people like that. The average person needs to put some effort into it. I think the phrase refers to being in the right place at the right time, which may or may not happen.


Even those stars have to act on their opportunities presented. But if you are in the right place and the right time you also have to act on it or else this window of opportunity doesn't last forever. So what if some women view this as "desperate", because other women would view this as a man with a lot of confidence on the other hand.

I rather be considered a confident, desperate loser than a loser that has no backbone and is unwilling to take initiative or a risk(of rejection).





 Jerilyn
Joined: 1/13/2012
Msg: 67
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/10/2013 4:56:32 PM
If someone said to you, "You'll make money when you stop working" would you believe them? This makes about as much sense. Everything in life requires an effort.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 68
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/10/2013 5:01:57 PM
Agree with ^^^

what people mean by not looking I think they mean trying to force something... being open to something is way different than desperately seeking it.

Be happy as you are; but be in places where you can be open for more if it presents itself.

Sitting at home in your room drinking a beer by yourself probably won't have anyone finding anyone :)
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 69
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/10/2013 5:10:25 PM

Sitting at home in your room drinking a beer by yourself probably won't have anyone finding anyone :)


Damnit, and I have beer to share too!!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 70
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/11/2013 7:42:46 PM

If someone said to you, "You'll make money when you stop working" would you believe them? This makes about as much sense. Everything in life requires an effort.

If you could have a relationship without another person, and you actually needed it to survive that would be a good comparison. Relationships are better off happening naturally - and are not required for happiness or to pay bills, so they are not the same type of thing. That said, being open to it but living your life regardless isn't a terrible thing to do.

what people mean by not looking I think they mean trying to force something... being open to something is way different than desperately seeking it.

Be happy as you are; but be in places where you can be open for more if it presents itself.

Yes ! Exactly...
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 71
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/11/2013 7:58:40 PM

Be happy as you are; but be in places where you can be open for more if it presents itself.


This doesn't make sense because if you are happy as you are (single), why would you want to change that? Change might make you unhappy. The goal in life is to be happy. If you already achieved happy, happy, joy, joy, what's the point of changing anything?
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 72
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/11/2013 8:26:59 PM

This doesn't make sense because if you are happy as you are (single), why would you want to change that?

You don't. You'd simply not pair off if it made you unhappy...you'd be open to remaining happy or improving upon it. BTW, happy as you are means regardless of a lot of things, not just relationship status.

Change might make you unhappy.

Yes, it might - and if it looks like it will, then you decide not to be un-single. People who are happy single won't see the point in getting together with someone who's going to take from that. It helps them to be more selective about who they end up with.

The goal in life is to be happy.

According to who? For some, the goal in life is to be healthy, or at peace, or on a self improvement path, or to be successful. Happy is a better side effect than a goal.

If you already achieved happy, happy, joy, joy, what's the point of changing anything?

Well if you're happy regardless of your status and you respect yourself when dating - a relationship with someone who's right for you won't change it...a lot of us were taught through programming at a young age that being with someone else is the only or the best way to happiness...so we default to that, but it's not healthy to think that way as we get older.
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/12/2013 3:41:06 AM
I think this is one of the things which shows a difference in thinking here:


If someone said to you, "You'll make money when you stop working" would you believe them? This makes about as much sense. Everything in life requires an effort.
If you could have a relationship without another person, and you actually needed it to survive that would be a good comparison. Relationships are better off happening naturally - and are not required for happiness or to pay bills, so they are not the same type of thing.

1 - I'm not getting "If you could have a relationship without another person, and you actually needed it to survive that would be a good comparison", I'm not getting what's even meant here.
2 - "Relationships are better off happening naturally"...there seems to be this misconception that if you look, it's not happening naturally. That the only way for it to happen "naturally" is to not look. That's a big problem there. The two things just don't go together. The one thing doesn't logically lead to the other. Again, I think there's an assumption of how someone is looking just because they're looking, and there's something particular that's being referred to here, but it's only a particular small part of the whole spectrum of how it ever happens, and it's not being identified therefore communicated concisely.
3 - "Not required for happiness or to pay bills, so they are not the same type of thing"...another weird glitch in thinking. Whether or not something is required for survival, versus something that you just want, has no relevance to whether or not it's a good idea to look for it versus just not do anything and expect it to "just happen".

what people mean by not looking I think they mean trying to force something... being open to something is way different than desperately seeking it.

Another incorrect connection between two things - that to look for something means that you're trying to force it, or be desperate. And, it's the misconception that just "being open" and "looking" in some way, are opposite of or mutually exclusive of each other.

As I've said way too many times in this thread, it's about how you look for something...or are "open" to it, whatever...that's the issue. It's strange to me that this angle of thinking about it isn't at least being attempted.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 74
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/12/2013 7:53:01 PM

1 - I'm not getting "If you could have a relationship without another person, and you actually needed it to survive that would be a good comparison", I'm not getting what's even meant here.

I'll explain. Most people unless independently wealthy or homeless need to find some kind of work or career to pay bills, buy food, pay rent. Therefore not having a job would be a bad thing....and you'd need to find another one. Relationships aren't a need. They are nice, but not required to survive, so not being in one or not looking for one isn't going to kill you or cause you to end up without a home and a meal....therefore they don't compare. Summary: looking for a job is necessary, looking for a relationship is not.

Yes, how you look...most look with a lot of intensity. It's become more of a vending machine, business plan, timeline type of thing for a lot of society - and the bottom line is your attitude, your odds, and the other person's participation have to factor in for anything to work, which means that to some degree it's going to be out of your hands...and the "watch pot never boils" theory applies...when you are eager to get involved - it will seem like it takes forever and will tend to be frustrating. If you stop worrying about it, you'll be more at peace and the amount of time it takes for you to meet someone won't matter.

Naturally if you never go anywhere you won't meet people - but most people go somewhere daily. They may not interact with many people, but that's a matter of choice.
 GJBrown
Joined: 9/12/2011
Msg: 75
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/12/2013 8:56:49 PM
Well if you want to be struck by lightning you have to at least go out during a storm
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > You'll find someone when you stop looking