Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > You'll find someone when you stop looking      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 sun_and_cinnamon
Joined: 12/12/2012
Msg: 76
You'll find someone when you stop lookingPage 4 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
I don't know, I am told that all the time and starting to believe it is just a bunch of malarky! If it could only be as easy as meeting a guy in the produce section, geez
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/13/2013 9:47:55 AM
Ok, this is getting even weirder...

womaninprogress:

Relationships aren't a need. They are nice, but not required to survive, so not being in one or not looking for one isn't going to kill you or cause you to end up without a home and a meal....therefore they don't compare. Summary: looking for a job is necessary, looking for a relationship is not

Ok...I'm kind of scared that you actually don't understand the example that people have made with looking for a job. The part about needing a job versus just wanting a relationship is, I don't know...so inapplicable that it's like it's from outer space somewhere. It doesn't matter if you need something, or if you just want it but don't need it to survive. When posters have made examples like how you can't expect a job to just fall into your lap while you sit at home...the point of those examples is simply that - you can't expect something to magically happen by you not taking any kind action or make any effort. Whether it something you need to survive, or it's something that you just want. You don't need a snickers bar, or a scoop of black walnut ice cream, it's something that you just want...but it's not going to magically appear as a result of you not keeping your eyes open for an available snickers bar or ice cream stand anytime you are out and about. This part about something being a need or want is weird to me. I don't see how you'd even conceive of something like that even mattering.

Yes, how you look...most look with a lot of intensity. It's become more of a vending machine, business plan, timeline type of thing for a lot of society - and the bottom line is your attitude, your odds, and the other person's participation have to factor in for anything to work, which means that to some degree it's going to be out of your hands...and the "watch pot never boils" theory applies...when you are eager to get involved - it will seem like it takes forever and will tend to be frustrating. If you stop worrying about it, you'll be more at peace and the amount of time it takes for you to meet someone won't matter.

Ok...um...please think about this. Explaining it is getting old...

You're still making an assumption that everyone who looks, looks with "intensity", or has a plan or timeline that you wouldn't approve of, or is "too eager" to get involved, or is "worried" about it and not at peace. You have a particular image of this in your head, which concerning those particular instances and people you are not totally wrong about, but your thinking is stuck in some kind of blind loop - you're blind against understanding this subject better and realizing what you are saying.

One more freaking time - What's important is how you look, not that you look. Example: You describe an attitude wherein a person isn't thinking of every person that they meet as a prospect, they are at peace and don't worry about it, they don't have a rigid plan or timeline, they are not too eager or intense, meeting or finding someone is not foremost in their mind and they "just socialize naturally" and can "just be themselves"...

...and everything described above is all about one way that someone "looks", it's an issue of how they're doing it. If you don't walk around with certain expections, and don't get impatient, and you simply let yourself be open to meeting people in the places that you go, and meeting them or socializing with them on all kind of grounds other than finding a boy/girlfriend/relationship...and through this interaction with people for other reasons or during other activities you happen to get close to someone "naturally" and you both discover that things click well and you end up in a great relationship.....you were still looking for someone, even if it's by way of just being open to meeing someone through other normal activities, which can only happen because you do in fact want someone and are in fact "looking", or that would've never happened in the first place, unless both of the people involved are people who really don't care about being together and it's just something they're going along with in disinterest because they're bored.

And guess what...I can watch my water on the stove top, and every time, every single time, it boils. Watching it does not keep it from boiling.

sun and cinnamon:

I don't know, I am told that all the time and starting to believe it is just a bunch of malarky! If it could only be as easy as meeting a guy in the produce section, geez

Well, that is indicative of a big part of the problem, by the way. We SHOULD be able to just "meet" in the produce section, but that just doesn't hardly happen anymore, which is one of the main aspects of this "sickness" of people not being able to meet. Ironically, the ones who complain about this, who act like it's creepy or irritating to approach someone in the produce section even to just make conversation, probably also find it easy to criticize how everyone is glued to their mobile electronic devices and talk about how we don't hardly know each other or even our neighbor anymore.

Other thought's relevant to all this -

A slightly attractive girl has to put up with being looked at, and approached by, every shallow and obnoxious guy withing 100 feet. And then the girl herself becomes ditsy, cynical, and self-defeating about it all. And the idea of "not looking" but just socializing "naturally" becomes a little twisted...and after a while a woman wouldn't know a man socializing normally with her in the produce section if it bit her in the arse.

The idea with many people is that they want someone who values relationships, and aren't casual with their sexual interactions. So, they (including me) demand that their attitude on such things be made clear upfront, in order to flush out the ones who will "just take what they can get along the way"...and, even though they just socialize "normally" with people for all kinds of other reasons, they know that what they're looking for isn't common and doesn't have a sign hanging on it, so they're still keeping a good eye open wherever they go, in the way that is incorrectly thought of as "looking too hard", because, again, it's something they value, instead of not really caring about it, and they don't want to leave it up to bad odds - they're going to do at least something. But then there're those people who think that if you're not real casual and "uncaring" about such things, then you're asking for commitment prematurely, or having premature expectations, or, again, just "looking too hard". Which is plain weird. If you don't want someone, then when they approach you let them know, end of story. Or if you don't like that particular person or the way that they approached you, then let them know, end of story. But in the end, how you look, how you think you understand the concept and act of looking, and if you correctly or incorrectly understanding the other person's methods of "looking"...is just one of the many things that indicate compatibility. It "still works out" the way it's supposed to. Each person should go about things according to their understanding of it all, how they think they should go about doing it, what they want and how to find it...even if they're really not "doing it right", that's the way they should do it. It still works out they way it should. You wouldn't want someone giving you the wrong impression of who they are because they used a more effective method of meeing, finding, and winning you over. That's dishonest. And you're hurting yourself - if someone doesn't do things they way you like, you wouldn't want them to start doing it the way you like just because that's the way you want your buttons to be pushed - that's just asking to get played, even if the player isn't doing it on purpose.
 sunriseguy5
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 78
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/13/2013 12:10:01 PM
Like what other posters said-- you gotta be active to find someone, a relationship isn't going to magically appear.

I haven't dated in a 3 years and i feel fine about it. Too busy with school and i am not good at managing time. I already could work as entry level I.T. but i want to further my education. When I do finish school and get a career in I.T. -- i want to kick back and relax and enjoy my bachelorhood. I may or may not find a significant other in the future due to getting older -- making me more undateable and the fact that I am Asian making me have limited appeal to women as a whole but i feel fine about it-- still got friends, family to keep me company and a future career that will allow me more financial freedom to go on vacations and buying nice things for myself.

In life when one door of opportunity closes, another one opens.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 79
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/13/2013 12:27:19 PM
^^^You are getting so bogged down by the interpretation of the exact wording of the explanation you are missing the essence behind it all. You are not understanding what is meant by looking "too hard".

It is not a look or not look, it is not a casual or not casual...

Trying to force something means looking at every single interaction as if it could be means to an end. If every person interacted with is a potential long term partner and every word exchanged is analyzed for clues on whether a person is "into" one, it puts unknowing pressure on not only onesself, it can come through as pressuring or desperately looking by the other person... and that can make for people runnning for the hills.

There is a huge difference between being open and available to a relationship while interacting and trying to create a relationship out of every single interaction. Getting to know a person for their own sake rather than the sake of their potential as a relationship; then if in knowing them it BECOMES a relationship or dating partner, that is what is meant as natural. Not saying that you are telling people you aren't open step one because you aren't trying to extraneously create something out of every innocent interaction.

One is "forcing"; the other is interacting with the initial end result being of friendly interaction for its own sake but where your mind is not made up before that it can't develop into more if things go that way.

Step back from your hyper attention to the words and try and understand the essence behind them. Both people are open to a relationship. Both actions are positive for interaction with people. Both people are AVAILABLE for a relationship. But one tries to manufacture from the first word; the other interacts with another person for the sake of friendly interaction; and if the friendly interaction morphs into more than friendly interaction; the person was open to it and lets it happen. And if it doesn't, they are still happy and content they had good experience and even possibly a made friend with another human being. One person feels they are missing something because they aren't currently in a relationship and are yearning and wanting it. The other person, though they would be very happy within a relationship, are content and happy with their life as it is, knowing that they are not missing something needed to make them happy; but also knowing that they could STILL be happy in a different way if they were in a relationship. Being content without one does not mean you WON'T be content with one. It just means you can enjoy your life as exciting and fulling either way. Some people say they can't be happy without one. And that is where I say if you can't be happy by yourself first, it will be difficult to have a good relationship with someone else if you require them to fill your own happiness. Because happiness fulfillment and contentment is a choice. It is not a need filled by another human being that one has to search for outside of onesself. It is something someone chooses when they look at what they have, who they are and who they are surrounded with in other ways.

If you still don't get hat is meant, then never mind. There is obviously something you have filtering the words to not understand the intent meant... and I can't change your filter if you automatically twist the words into a negative when they aren't meant that way at all. Being open is not passive. It is just not closed, nor desperate.

peace


Sitting at home in your room drinking a beer by yourself probably won't have anyone finding anyone :)


Damnit, and I have beer to share too!!


where do you live? :)

You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/14/2013 1:27:55 PM
(moonbeamlover)

Ok, I'm officially, fully weirded out now. Can't nobody say I didn't try. It was fun!
 sunriseguy5
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 81
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/14/2013 2:25:18 PM
Based on my perception, it seems very hard to near impossible to find a single woman around my age that is compatible with me and receptive of dating Asian guys and the possibility for a relationship in L.A..

I've been hurt before and it took me years to recover. Then i went to NYC and feeling damaged, I just pursued things like getting an Acting agent and modeling agent to see if i could make it and build up my self esteem and i got those agents (apparently because i look pretty good and young to them) and i also went on dates with women that genuinely liked me. Moving back to L.A. i went back to school but being single made me feel unwanted but at least i got my family and some friends to pass time.

I am open to relationships but i doubt it will happen. I think I will focus more on finishing my education which is more realistic than finding love or being in a relationship.

From my early twenties and onwards when a woman whom i dated long term dumped me because of my race-- I stopped looking for love and no romantic happenings came knocking at my door until several years later during my move to NYC.

So the whole you'll find someone when you stop looking -- is not true for me.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 82
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/15/2013 7:49:49 AM
Moonbeamlover gets it. I don't know what else to say except re-read what she posted. Context is everything. Is that person you're talking to just a human being you'd enjoy learning about - or are you trying to attach an agenda to it? Relationships (and pretty good ones) develop organically when people just get out and interact with other people with no other goal. Many times it happens accidentally.

"when you least expect it" is a better way to put it. If you aren't concerned about it, then you won't be looking at everyone in a relationship context, which is nicer because you can actually get to know them. Getting to know people with no expectation of anything else is a tough one for people to grasp, but can be a great thing once you really get it.

Some of those people will be people you talk to in passing and never see again. Some will turn into acquaintances, some friendships, some close and long term friendships, and some dating prospects. People have to learn not to try and steer the wheel all the time.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 83
view profile
History
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/16/2013 8:12:07 PM
Maybe women believe relationships happen organically, or by accident ,but from a guy's point of view yes there is always an objective or a goal a man tries to reach when he initiates contact or strikes up a conversation with an attractive female. It kinda cute that there are women that believe guys strike up a conversations with them by accident (HINT HINT HINT THEY LIKE YOU). :P It comes off organic with some of these guys because they make it so natural with charm and tranquil demeanor. I have this quality as well, so many times women are perplexed if I am hitting on them or I am simply interested in the conversation alone. ;) Of course there are drawbacks to this if you don't make your intentions clear. :(
 firefly416
Joined: 1/27/2009
Msg: 84
view profile
History
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/17/2013 1:05:47 PM
I've never believed the thing about finding someone if you're not looking. And I've never not been looking, unless in a serious relationship which is going well, since I was 12. However, I think a lot of women have found that as soon as they do have a boyfriend, other guys suddenly want to date them. A few summers ago I was dating a man I really loved (still do) but we were not "in a relationship" because he didn't want to be. So after a while I told him I was going to date others and he said okay. Several guys came out of the woodwork to want to be with me. I went out on activities and dates with them but they all new about the one guy I really wanted to be with. They all implied they would want me if I stopped seeing the other guy. When the one I really want broke up with me (the last time so far) I let others know I'd be interested. No one wanted me. One had gone on to a real relationship and is now engaged. The others want to be friends but not date.

I still just want to order a man in the LLBean catalog. With 2 kayaks.
 NonamousDog
Joined: 4/20/2011
Msg: 85
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/22/2013 10:39:38 AM
womaninprogress,

I still think you are depending on some element of serendipity or fortuitous chance. Being 'open' to meeting people means nothing if you don't come into contact with people to meet. You are just assuming that 'chance' will throw enough people into your way that you can just be 'open' about getting to know them.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 86
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/22/2013 11:57:03 AM

womaninprogress,

I still think you are depending on some element of serendipity or fortuitous chance.

I'm not personally depending on anything. Again, single isn't so uncomfortable to me that I feel I have to get away from it.

Being 'open' to meeting people means nothing if you don't come into contact with people to meet.

Naturally. And if you are social enough and get out and about enough, you do meet people. Obviously if you don't leave the house you'll meet no one.

You are just assuming that 'chance' will throw enough people into your way that you can just be 'open' about getting to know them.

I'm not assuming this...I've seen it. I've lived it. I tend to be in more social situations and occupations than most, but that doesn't make me special. I tend to go out and do things that put me in places there are lots of people, and I talk to everyone. I just don't expect the places I go and the people I talk to to become anything (I have no romantic agenda, I'm just friendly or networking in general). Many times they do, but not by force from me.
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/25/2013 4:41:54 AM
I'll try this another way -


womaninprogress:

(almost everything that you've said)


moonbeamlover:

(almost everything that you've said)


Translation:
You are "looking". All of these arguments for the concept of "finding by not looking" is an admission that you are in fact "looking".

But we're simply describing ideas about how to do so. We're not talking about "not looking", but we're talking about how.

And you're also caught up in funny ideas about "having an agenda", and "forcing things", being "too eager or desperate", not being able to let things happen naturally and organically, and not being able to get to know a person "normally", when these things simply do not apply to everyone who is "looking". You're only speaking of certain cases of how someone goes about it, and thinking that this applies to all acts of "looking".

Saying it in a certain way is important because of how you understand it, how you think about it. For example, the phrase "starting out as friends" or "friends first" is so bad and red-flagish. Somebody who wants to "be friends first" is someone who I agree with, and is the kind of person I'm looking for...except for the fact that they use those phrases and think about it that way. I don't just want a woman who wants a certain thing, but I also want a woman who understands it up to at least a certain level, and if she uses certain phrases or thinks of it in certain ways, that indicates that she doesn't really understand it yet.

"Starting out as friends" or "friends first" really means -

- Let's get to know who each other is. (Duh, really? I'm not going to be in a relationship with someone that I'm not also "close friends" with.)

- No premature expectations, committments, or pressure. (Duh, really? I want it to happen the right way and for the right reasons.)

- I don't want to have sex until after we've gotten to know each other, we like each other, and know that we want to be together. (Duh, really?)

The above things need to be made clear between people meeting for the first time. But doing so by using such phrases is an indication of the possibility that she can't express herself better, and that she doesn't understand it enough. Myself, I don't want a woman who will simply take a certain kind of relationship if it "just happens"...but I want a woman to whom a certain kind of relationship, and a certain kind of man, is important, it is a priority, she wants it, she highly values it, and so by extension she understands that the chances of finding this in just anyone aren't good enough, but instead she needs to do things a certain way by which to seek out this certain kind of man, because if she really values it, understands it, and wants it, she's going to think about how to increase those chances of not finding what she doesn't want and finding what she wants. If a woman says that she just wants to be friends, when she really is open to or wants someone...that's fine, we can be great friends - but she's just declared to me that she doesn't consider a certain kind of relationship to be important to her. She might be wonderful, and otherwise it might be wonderful to be in a relationship with her, except that, while accepting a friendship with her, I'm going to look elsewhere for someone who considers it important, and she's no longer a possibility for me even if things between us seem to develop in that direction. In this sense, I do indeed "have an agenda", and there's nothing wrong or intrinsically self-defeating about that.

Making it clear at square-one that you want something, and that you are looking for it...absolutely does not mean that you can't or don't want to get to know the person on other grounds, build a friendship/relationship on the right things and in the right way, have it happen naturally or organically, socialize with them or others or make friends "normally"...and it does not mean that you're trying to force anything, apply pressure, or be impatient. Not at all. Not even close. (If you can even begin to feel "pressure" just because a man wants you to declare how you think about relationships and if a certain kind of man is something that you really want, that means that you think about it way too differently than I do.) Asking a woman if, or wanting her to declare early that she wants something...is not asking for a committment to me, and is not to develop expectations, and is not about having "pressure", and is not about enforcing a timeline, and is not about being too eager...but it is only establishing where you stand on such things, how you feel about certain kinds of relationships. If you don't feel the same about relationships as I do, we're not compatible, and I want to know this about you.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 88
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/25/2013 7:59:01 AM

I'll try this another way -
Translation:
You are "looking". All of these arguments for the concept of "finding by not looking" is an admission that you are in fact "looking".

We totally agree that if you are trying to find by not looking you are still looking. The act of not looking to find is in itself, not possible. My point is usually to stop looking AND hoping to find. Not caring if you do, but being open to something that you stumble upon both stops you from sending out an incomplete vibe, and stops you from keeping track of the whole thing.

But we're simply describing ideas about how to do so. We're not talking about "not looking", but we're talking about how.

I was talking about not looking...period.

And you're also caught up in funny ideas about "having an agenda", and "forcing things", being "too eager or desperate", not being able to let things happen naturally and organically, and not being able to get to know a person "normally", when these things simply do not apply to everyone who is "looking". You're only speaking of certain cases of how someone goes about it, and thinking that this applies to all acts of "looking".

If you're not trying, things will happen naturally. People need to stop looking at dating like a business plan. People who are looking will have a context of that in their social interactions, which may change the outcome of those interactions (and could frustrate the person trying to make all social interactions into a dating thing). The phrase "you'll find if you stop looking" IMO means taking the whole thing and forgetting about it - including the concept of finding. In the phrase the word "finding" means having it come your way when you've actually stopped paying attention to it consciously. It doesn't mean literally stop socializing, as it's a given that most people do this (or should) generally without having a goal in mind.

Saying it in a certain way is important because of how you understand it, how you think about it. For example, the phrase "starting out as friends" or "friends first" is so bad and red-flagish. Somebody who wants to "be friends first" is someone who I agree with, and is the kind of person I'm looking for...except for the fact that they use those phrases and think about it that way. I don't just want a woman who wants a certain thing, but I also want a woman who understands it up to at least a certain level, and if she uses certain phrases or thinks of it in certain ways, that indicates that she doesn't really understand it yet.

"Starting out as friends" or "friends first" really means -

- Let's get to know who each other is. (Duh, really? I'm not going to be in a relationship with someone that I'm not also "close friends" with.)

- No premature expectations, commitments, or pressure. (Duh, really? I want it to happen the right way and for the right reasons.)

- I don't want to have sex until after we've gotten to know each other, we like each other, and know that we want to be together. (Duh, really?)

Agreed. I think people really mean that if they are going to date someone they want someone they can actually form a friendship with as well as having the romantic aspect.

The above things need to be made clear between people meeting for the first time. But doing so by using such phrases is an indication of the possibility that she can't express herself better, and that she doesn't understand it enough. Myself, I don't want a woman who will simply take a certain kind of relationship if it "just happens"...but I want a woman to whom a certain kind of relationship, and a certain kind of man, is important, it is a priority, she wants it, she highly values it, and so by extension she understands that the chances of finding this in just anyone aren't good enough, but instead she needs to do things a certain way by which to seek out this certain kind of man, because if she really values it, understands it, and wants it, she's going to think about how to increase those chances of not finding what she doesn't want and finding what she wants. If a woman says that she just wants to be friends, when she really is open to or wants someone...that's fine, we can be great friends - but she's just declared to me that she doesn't consider a certain kind of relationship to be important to her. She might be wonderful, and otherwise it might be wonderful to be in a relationship with her, except that, while accepting a friendship with her, I'm going to look elsewhere for someone who considers it important, and she's no longer a possibility for me even if things between us seem to develop in that direction. In this sense, I do indeed "have an agenda", and there's nothing wrong or intrinsically self-defeating about that.

That's fine so long as you know others may pick up on that and it can be off putting to someone who would otherwise be open to interacting. It also means that your frustration level with it not happening fast enough or the right way is usually higher if you are seeking to socialize with a specific goal, as in order for anything to solidify, the other party has to participate.

Making it clear at square-one that you want something, and that you are looking for it...absolutely does not mean that you can't or don't want to get to know the person on other grounds, build a friendship/relationship on the right things and in the right way, have it happen naturally or organically, socialize with them or others or make friends "normally"...and it does not mean that you're trying to force anything, apply pressure, or be impatient. Not at all. Not even close. (If you can even begin to feel "pressure" just because a man wants you to declare how you think about relationships and if a certain kind of man is something that you really want, that means that you think about it way too differently than I do.) Asking a woman if, or wanting her to declare early that she wants something...is not asking for a commitment to me, and is not to develop expectations, and is not about having "pressure", and is not about enforcing a timeline, and is not about being too eager...but it is only establishing where you stand on such things, how you feel about certain kinds of relationships. If you don't feel the same about relationships as I do, we're not compatible, and I want to know this about you.

The fact that I can be content single or involved means my peace comes from myself, not someone else - it doesn't mean I can't make my relationship important should one materialize. It just means I am not seeing myself less of a person when not involved. To say that a woman who's not on the hunt isn't one who takes relationships seriously is putting your own spin on it. You can absolutely be a great person to get involved with even if you're not perpetually trying to land your "other half". In fact, I think the ability to be happy single makes you more of a healthy relationship person.

I know people who won't bother with talking to anyone if dating (or getting something back) isn't going to be the outcome of the interaction, or will complain if a night out with friends doesn't turn into them meeting someone they can date, or that trip to the store doesn't produce some sort of romantic prospect, or will think life's not worth living if they have everything but aren't currently half of a pair. It's those people I'm addressing. If you can look for a person to date while being content single, enjoying life, and not getting frustrated if every exchange with a prospect doesn't go the way you want it to, then you're one of the few - at least from what I've seen.

I'm saying don't look - or at least don't look so hard that it permeates all your thoughts and activities - nothing good comes from it. We all meet people in our travels, unless we're reclusive or antisocial - and if we are, we don't really want to meet people anyway, so it doesn't matter. If we are friendly, positive people who get out and do things, meeting people is a side effect of that. Developing a relationship or friendship is a side effect of meeting people, etc. It's corny but a good relationship can be as hard to catch as a butterfly - the harder you try the more it can elude you.
 Definition_Of_Insanity
Joined: 6/12/2013
Msg: 89
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/25/2013 8:45:22 AM
The fact that I can be content single or involved means my peace comes from myself, not someone else - it doesn't mean I can't make my relationship important should one materialize. It just means I am not seeing myself less of a person when not involved. To say that a woman who's not on the hunt isn't one who takes relationships seriously is putting your own spin on it. You can absolutely be a great person to get involved with even if you're not perpetually trying to land your "other half". In fact, I think the ability to be happy single makes you more of a healthy relationship person.

I know people who won't bother with talking to anyone if dating (or getting something back) isn't going to be the outcome of the interaction, or will complain if a night out with friends doesn't turn into them meeting someone they can date, or that trip to the store doesn't produce some sort of romantic prospect, or will think life's not worth living if they have everything but aren't currently half of a pair. It's those people I'm addressing. If you can look for a person to date while being content single, enjoying life, and not getting frustrated if every exchange with a prospect doesn't go the way you want it to, then you're one of the few - at least from what I've seen.

I'm saying don't look - or at least don't look so hard that it permeates all your thoughts and activities - nothing good comes from it. We all meet people in our travels, unless we're reclusive or antisocial - and if we are, we don't really want to meet people anyway, so it doesn't matter. If we are friendly, positive people who get out and do things, meeting people is a side effect of that. Developing a relationship or friendship is a side effect of meeting people, etc. It's corny but a good relationship can be as hard to catch as a butterfly - the harder you try the more it can elude you.


WHEW - many, many good thoughts in here.

I've been 'single' (in the 'not married any longer' way) for over 5 years now. I've dated some, had a couple > 1 year relationships and been in the 'not looking' phase some of the time. Without TMI my marriage was a VERY lonely place to be for quite some time (we moved every couple years which probably made it more that way - the usual support systems people have: friends, co-workers had to be re-established with each move and having family locally didn't happen) and I will fully admit that I WANTED physical and emotional connection again (it was one of the reasons I left the marriage). I've definitely thought that maybe I've made that ('dating') too much of a focus though I do a lot independently...

On-line dating (which smacks as only serving the purpose of meeting people to date) has sort of allowed me to 'protect' myself from not having attempts to date spill over into my real life. OK, that sounds kind of awful, but I would not date someone from work, just not smart politically. One of the first guys I got involved with went to my gym (a place that I frequent a lot) and when things inevitably went south, it was very awkward, so now I feel like it's smarter to do activities and would not in any way consider dating anyone I meet at them (to keep them as mine).

I am not at all convinced I'm using the right approach here which is why I find these forums very interesting - I love reading different perspectives.
 Definition_Of_Insanity
Joined: 6/12/2013
Msg: 90
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/26/2013 6:48:53 AM

Back on topic, I too have noticed that when I'm happily coupled, I get offers for dates. I think it's not only the happiness but the fact that whoever is "taken" is considered more desirable. (I seem to recall some psychological research to that effect.).


This. Definitely this.

The first man I dated for any length of time post-divorce was rather striking looking. We were 'out and about' a lot and I got asked out a lot. (Ridiculous things like the sports bar where we watched football was 'upstairs' and the bathroom was down - I would go to the bathroom and always get asked for my number, it was comical). One guy flat out admitted to me that one of the things that appealed to him the most about me was that I was dating such a good looking man (so I guess 'desirability by association').
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 91
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/26/2013 8:06:37 AM

Back on topic, I too have noticed that when I'm happily coupled, I get offers for dates. I think it's not only the happiness but the fact that whoever is "taken" is considered more desirable. (I seem to recall some psychological research to that effect.).

IME when I'm happy and not looking for a date or caring whether I get a date, I get dates. When I'm happily coupled I am approached for potential dates. When I am really looking for a date, I don't get one -- so then I do things by myself and become happy again.

YES...contentment and peace is attractive to potentials, whether single or involved. Looking for someone tends to cause dating to elude you - your personality and vibe reflect that and people react to it.

The beautiful thing about being content/at peace despite your status and therefore finding happiness from within is that it draws people to you - and even better, you aren't hoping it will, so you can enjoy it without any bias or context. If you're available and something comes of it, great. If not, you're still content, and enjoying life.
 theusmale
Joined: 6/29/2013
Msg: 92
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/28/2013 6:42:52 AM
You'll find someone when you stop looking - I think the phrase is actually, "You'll find someone when you are not looking" ...all it means is you never know when the right one will come along, it often happens when you least expect, and are not even looking. But I would still be proactive and search... to some extent, it's a numbers game... so your chances increase if you are actively looking yourself.

When I was dating, at least 40% of my first meets were a result of women finding and contacting me first... winks for women, "meet me", and first messages... so much for men being the pursuers! This is why online dating is quickly becoming the number one way to meet... two people looking instead of just one increases chances.
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/29/2013 2:58:37 PM
We having fun yet?

Has anybody ever found that, when talking about something, somebody thinks that they’re disagreeing but really they’re not even hearing what you’re saying first? That the issue isn’t simply a disagreement, but you can tell that they’re not even catching what you’re saying, before they can even agree or disagree. They’re disagreeing with something else that isn’t what you’re saying…and also along the way eventually they end up subtley changing what they’re saying or thinking without realizing it’s happening or admitting it.

Let me show how everything is still about two things: How you look for someone (not looking or not-looking), and tripping yourself up by assuming funny images and ideas about how a person looks or comes across just because they’re looking.

womaninprogress:

My point is usually to stop looking AND hoping to find

This sentence should show that something doesn’t make sense. But, upon closer inspection, it can still reveal an original point of contention: not doing anything but hoping that it “just happens”. I don’t like that idea - not for everyone, but for me, for someone who truly values finding someone, and has some idea who they should be finding, they won’t be so careless about it. Because they really do want that person and what they could have together.

Not caring if you do, but being open to something that you stumble upon both stops you from sending out an incomplete vibe, and stops you from keeping track of the whole thing.

This just seems bad to me. Not caring whether or not you find someone? I’m wondering if we’re talking about looking vs not looking, or how to go about looking…or if we’re really talking about just not really wanting someone in the first place. If you’re someone who in fact does not want someone, and in fact doesn’t really like the idea of finding a certain kind of relationship, and this is revealed by a person not really caring…than that’s a whole different subject; irrelevant; there’s no point in this discussion; and you should just say that. If that’s what’s really going here, then it’s possible that actually some dishonesty is the issue.

I don’t want someone who doesn’t care. Period.

But this might really be a problem of having to “trick” yourself into not being in the wrong head-space…into “relaxing” yourself. But make sure that you don’t make that assumption about someone else just because they’re proactively looking, and don’t apply that theory to everyone. You’ll defeat yourself.

And then we have this idea that you send out a particular vibe, or “incomplete” vibe, just because you look and care if you find something. As we should be tired of me saying by now, this sounds like a matter of how someone is doing things, not just because they’re looking, and not just because they care. Because of how some people “look”, they certainly put off a “vibe” which doesn’t ring well with some people and is even self-defeating, but…do we understand yet what I’m going to say next? It’s a big mistake to form the whole theory based on the comprehension or methodology of a few.

And you should stop yourself from keeping track of the whole thing? It’s so tedious trying to untangle this cognitive dissonance, I don’t want to try and understand what that’s supposed to mean, nor the probably nonsensical reasoning behind it. “Keep track”?? I got the funny feeling that it’s another issue of having funny ideas or assumptions about all cases of “looking” or “caring” just as a result of the act of “looking” or “caring”.

If you're not trying, things will happen naturally.

Do I really need to invoke the how word yet again? In no part of my mind can I comprehend how two people automatically aren’t able to meet, interact, and socialize “naturally” just because they both care and are proactively looking.

People need to stop looking at dating like a business plan. People who are looking will have a context of that in their social interactions, which may change the outcome of those interactions (and could frustrate the person trying to make all social interactions into a dating thing).

I also still don’t understand this fixation on “business plan”, and the assumptions that you’re making which this reveals. Again, you’re obviously just talking about certain ways that some people go about things, and that’s all, and you refuse to see this. Do you yourself completely understand what you think you mean by “people treating it like a business plan”?

If someone “has a context of that in their social interactions”, that’s just another way of saying that they care about finding someone and are looking, and/or are just “open” to it, whatever. And if that “changes the outcome of those interactions”, that just means that those interactions might go into the direction of two people finding each other, which is the whole purpose. What you really mean is the assumption that they’re going to interact or socialize “unnaturally” or “unorganically”, just because they’re looking or caring. And to “make all social interactions into a dating thing” is again (and again and again) an assumption about people who are wanting to find someone and are being proactive in some way. Also, if it “frustrates the person”, it’s either because of how they’re doing it, not just because they’re doing it, or because the other person that they’re socializing with isn’t the one that they’re trying to find.

The phrase "you'll find if you stop looking" IMO means taking the whole thing and forgetting about it - including the concept of finding.

Yea, let’s just forget about it. That’s productive.

In the phrase the word "finding" means having it come your way when you've actually stopped paying attention to it consciously.

Yes, use the Force, Luke. Aren’t we still just talking about a person being able to socialize “naturally”…about how they do this…versus the fact that they’re looking for someone? I’m still more and more getting the feeling that what we’re really talking about here is a person not really wanting somebody for any degree of long-term monogamous nice-connection relationship. But this might be an incorrect assumption that I’ve made. If so, my bad. But I’m arguing for this because one of the reasons that I “weed out” women who think this way or do things this way is because that’s how people do, and talk, when they either actually have a dislike for relationships (as I described), and/or they have a habit of entering into short-term sexual relationships “along the way” of alledgedly wanting this kind of relationship. I want someone who isn’t like this, or understands, if this isn’t how she is, that this is the kind of person that she’s making herself appear to be.

That's fine so long as you know others may pick up on that and it can be off putting to someone who would otherwise be open to interacting

I don’t get it - I thought that the idea is for someone to “pick up” on the fact that I’m not interested in them romantically, if I’m not. Why would I lead them on or not be clear and honest with them? (Assuming that it even came up between us in such explicit terms in the first place.) And If they’re “put off” because I’m not interested in them romantically, but I’m still fully capable and willing to continue socializing with them “naturally” and grow a friendship…then that sounds like you need to be telling them what you’re telling me; suddenly the shoe is on the other foot.

It also means that your frustration level with it not happening fast enough or the right way is usually higher if you are seeking to socialize with a specific goal, as in order for anything to solidify, the other party has to participate

Oh geez, where does it end. Ok…my “frustration level” with it “not happening fast enough”? Don’t you see another assumption? Exactly how “fast” do you think everyone who “is looking” expects it to happen? And how are you imagining them being “frustrated”? Also, what you’re talking about is assuming that a person who is looking is automatically wanting an interaction to happen a certain way, just because they’re looking. A “specific goal”? When you socialize “naturally”, that would be the specific goal. When you’re wanting someone and looking, that would be a specific goal. Just having a specific goal isn’t a bad thing. I think, again, that you’re assuming that the occurance of people socializing and developing friendships on other grounds or in other realms would be tainted and sabotaged just because someone “is looking”, not because of how they’re going about all of this. And “in order for anything to solidify, the other party has to participate”…well…um, if interaction and socializing is going to happen, the other party must participate. Also, if two people are going to find each other, they must both participate.

The fact that I can be content single or involved means my peace comes from myself, not someone else - it doesn't mean I can't make my relationship important should one materialize. It just means I am not seeing myself less of a person when not involved.

Ok, now we’ve finally revealed something else, and it’s a wholy different subject altogether. What we’re talking about here is this whole problem that people get mixed up on with being complete themselves, needing/wanting someone to complete them, being able to handle being alone, their self-worth when they’re single versus when they have someone, misplaced or unjustified insecurities…etc…

Ok, you can be content being single. That’s cool. But not relevant. Ok, your peace comes from yourself, not another person. That’s cool. But not relevant.

Being able to make your relationship important (should one “materialize”) is totally different from, and irrelevant to, the subject of whether or not you place enough value on one to want it and look for it.

I don’t see how anywhere in this conversation there was a question of someone seeing themself as less of a person when not involved…just because they’re “looking”, or see it appropriate in their particular case to be clear about where they stand concerning finding a relationship and who they’re looking for. Obviously we have another bad assumption or image here. You’re making an automatic association between the fact that someone is looking, and is clear about things…and having low self-worth, not having peace within theirself, not being able to be a complete person when single, as well as all of the other things that we’ve established - being desperate, impatient, frustrated, not able to socialize naturally on other grounds and form friendships, not being able to “get to know someone the right way” just because they want someone and are looking…and hell, whatever else. I’m losing track.

And here, we’re probably touching upon how people seem to confuse issues of being independent and secure, and freedom, with having someone and letting themselves truly connect with them…and they end up dealing with their own identity problems or incompleteness by developing a hidden cynical negative aversion to the opposite gender and relationships.

It’s possible that you’ve said this because what’s really happened is that you’ve given up and truly stopped caring, in the bad way, and have just talked yourself into believing that you’re happy not having someone when in fact you do want someone, by convincing yourself that it’s an issue of being able to be complete and happy with yourself, and associating looking for someone with having your happiness, peace, and identity depending too much on another person. This may not be the case with you, but this is certainly a problem with some people, and this is similar to how they talk and think.

So again, it sounds like maybe the shoe is on the other foot in some ways. It’s hidden, but it’s you who used to get “frustrated” by not socializing “normally” because of an “agenda” or not executing the act of “looking” correctly and knowing how to have things happen “naturally”. As with the above paragraph, this may not be true about you. But at least examine this within yourself one more time.

To say that a woman who's not on the hunt isn't one who takes relationships seriously is putting your own spin on it.

I keep trying to shed light on how you seem to be putting a spin on things. “On the hunt”? I can tell there’s a funny image being imposed here. And again, taking relationships seriously is different from what I’ve been very clear about - proactively looking. I said that what I pick up on is what kind of person a woman might be as indicated by whether or not she’s proactively looking and values it such that she does so. I didn’t say that everyone else doesn’t take relationships seriously. Those are two different things. You shouldn’t read the one thing into the other thing. If you continue to argue with something else that’s in your head, instead of talking to me, this conversation could go on forever and not ever get anywhere.

You can absolutely be a great person to get involved with even if you're not perpetually trying to land your "other half".

Yes. And? I don’t see the need to point this out.

This might be what you’re talking about, though it should’ve already been made clear: You might be wonderful to get involved with…but for all kinds of other very practical reasons, if you’re not trying to find me, the probability is high that we aren’t right for each other, and I don’t want you. (This is only how it works for me and some men and women, not how I think it should be for everyone.)

In fact, I think the ability to be happy single makes you more of a healthy relationship person

I addressed this above already. It’s weird that this has to be said. I think it reveals something else irrelevant to this conversation. Somehow, us talking about proactively looking, valuing things in a particular way to want to do so, and being clear to someone about this…has caused you to think that it’s an issue of not being able to be happy single. Why? Why does this even come up?

I know people who won't bother with talking to anyone if dating (or getting something back) isn't going to be the outcome of the interaction,

I still just don’t get it. And? That’s not an automically dumb thing, or anything that other people have the right or prerogative to be bothered about. This might be what’s right for those people. As long as they themselves are not confused about what they should be looking for and how to look for it (which can be the case, as it is with many of us), and this really is how they should be going about it, they need to do what’s right for them. Maybe they’re just not very extroverted people. Maybe they feel like they’d be losing opportunities to find the “other” who’s looking for them because they’re spending their time with people who aren’t who they’re looking for or aren’t themselves wanting someone in the same way that results in them proactively looking. Your response to this would be something like “if they’d just relax and socialize normally with the people that they encounter, then they might find someone”…and my response to that, along with addressing the assumption that they’re somehow not “relaxed” or are “trying too hard”, is that this just brings us right back around to this whole conversation all over again, and all of the things that I’ve said so many times.

or will complain if a night out with friends doesn't turn into them meeting someone they can date, or that trip to the store doesn't produce some sort of romantic prospect, or will think life's not worth living if they have everything but aren't currently half of a pair. It's those people I'm addressing. If you can look for a person to date while being content single, enjoying life, and not getting frustrated if every exchange with a prospect doesn't go the way you want it to, then you're one of the few - at least from what I've seen

Do I really need to again point out all of the various things that are wrong with these statements? Doing so is making me so tired, and this post is so long already it’s pitiful. Are you seeing the pattern yet?

If someone is frustrated with not finding someone, that’s ok. That might just mean that they really want to find that person, and there’s nothing wrong with that. That’s intrinsically supposed to be a good thing. It doesn’t mean that they exhibit any of these other traits that you’re assuming about them. They might, depending on each case…but it’s not just because they’re looking and wish that they’d find.

You’re not addressing those people…you’re arguing for the all-encompassing concept of people finding by not looking…except that you are now addressing those people through the course of this conversation and me making you think about it better, realizing this and that, and expressing it better. Maybe.

Really? I’m rare for being able to do this and be like this, from what you’ve seen? Geez, what have you seen? Another thing that’s frequently brought up in other threads about other things…is the concept of creating/attracting your reality, seeing just what you want to see, and habitually interpreting things a certain way. Reflect on this.

I'm saying don't look - or at least don't look so hard that it permeates all your thoughts and activities - nothing good comes from it. We all meet people in our travels, unless we're reclusive or antisocial - and if we are, we don't really want to meet people anyway, so it doesn't matter. If we are friendly, positive people who get out and do things, meeting people is a side effect of that. Developing a relationship or friendship is a side effect of meeting people, etc. It's corny but a good relationship can be as hard to catch as a butterfly - the harder you try the more it can elude you.

I’m hoping to god that you know by now what I would say to this. I don’t want to type it again.


bicyclinggal:

I too have noticed that when I'm happily coupled, I get offers for dates


when I'm happy and not looking for a date or caring whether I get a date, I get dates. When I'm happily coupled I am approached for potential dates. When I am really looking for a date, I don't get one

Yes, inasmuch as this applies to a debate about finding by not looking, or proactively looking…what this is about is how someone looks when they look. Sometimes, when a person says to “stop looking” in order to “find”, what this really reveals is that they have to trick themselves into not putting out the wrong vibe, or into putting out the right one, and into being in the right mindset, because they themselves are doing these wrong things when they “look” or are wanting someone. But it’s better to understand these dynamics properly, so you don’t begin to think what’s going on is different than what is really going on…and so you don’t begin to incorrectly apply a theory of “not looking to find” to other people who might not have had these problems in the first place. Just one of the things that could happen is that you’ll run into someone who isn’t doing any of these wrong things at all, and is putting out that right vibe…but just because they’re proactively “looking”, you’ll make all of these assumptions about them unconciously, be put-off for no reason other than your own imagination, and shoot yourself in the foot…for doing what you say someone else is doing when they’re not.

womaninprogress:

contentment and peace is attractive to potentials, whether single or involved. Looking for someone tends to cause dating to elude you - your personality and vibe reflect that and people react to it.

Yes. Contentment and peace is good. But if you can’t “look” while being content or at peace, you’ll help yourself if you don’t confuse this with “finding by not looking”, or wanting to proactively look. If you sense that someone else isn’t doing it “right”, it’ll help if you understand that their problem is not simply that they’re proactively looking. And it’ll also help if you don’t assume all of these things about someone just because they are proactively looking, before you even find out.

I’m pretty sure that there are zillions of people who dating does not elude, and who are very successful in finding and having a good relationship…even though they “care”, are proactively looking, and not “not-looking”…and possibly because they looked.

you aren't hoping it will, so you can enjoy it without any bias or context. If you're available and something comes of it, great. If not, you're still content, and enjoying life.

Say what? Please re-read this post if necessary.

May the Force be with you.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 94
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/30/2013 1:52:36 PM

Yes. Contentment and peace is good. But if you can’t “look” while being content or at peace, you’ll help yourself if you don’t confuse this with “finding by not looking”, or wanting to proactively look. If you sense that someone else isn’t doing it “right”, it’ll help if you understand that their problem is not simply that they’re proactively looking. And it’ll also help if you don’t assume all of these things about someone just because they are proactively looking, before you even find out.

I have no idea what any of what you're saying is pertaining to. I said to not look and not consciously care means that it won't matter. From there whatever happens, happens - and whether or not you end up involved from there you'll still be happy. My point wasn't to not look to find, it was just to drop it and go do something else. The less you care, the less it matters. Others will do things in a different way. I don't need to consider what others do. The phrase "it'll happen when you stop looking (IMO) wasn't meant to be taken literally...if it was, it would make no logical sense.

I’m pretty sure that there are zillions of people who dating does not elude, and who are very successful in finding and having a good relationship…even though they “care”, are proactively looking, and not “not-looking”…and possibly because they looked.

Well if it's not true, and it's not working that well for them - they certainly aren't going to announce it publicly...so it's safe to make that assumption to back up the perpetual need to be looking for those who feel they must do so. The theory works well for people who refuse to do things any other way, and since we'll never know what would happen if they took 10 minutes off, it's easy to assume (for them) that one must always be looking to keep things going.

There are other things in life to do besides dating or trying to find people to date (when it's not favorable to do so). Some of us have discovered this. Others will try and weave it into everything they do. Neither is right or wrong - both methods just have a different feel to 'em. I happen to find worrying about that a lot is exhausting and non productive for me, but YMMV.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 95
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/30/2013 7:07:48 PM

Honestly this whole Disney crap is regurgitated out of so many animated children's films it's ridiculous.

If you mean the crap about having to be in a relationship in order to be considered worthy of society, yep I agree. Complete BS. You don't see many women doing their own thing without having to be rescued by a man in a Disney movie.
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/30/2013 7:35:01 PM


Honestly this whole Disney crap is regurgitated out of so many animated children's films it's ridiculous.
You don't see many women doing their own thing without having to be rescued by a man in a Disney movie.

womaninprogress - On your first date or two, if a man didn't automatically pick up the bill for everything, or suggested that you both "go dutch", would you think less of him at all, or be any less interested in continuing to see him?
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 97
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/31/2013 8:03:01 AM

womaninprogress - On your first date or two, if a man didn't automatically pick up the bill for everything, or suggested that you both "go dutch", would you think less of him at all, or be any less interested in continuing to see him?

Of course not. I tend to hate feeling obligated and I like things to be equal, so I avoid a man doing anything that doesn't involve participation from me, including driving, picking the place and getting the check. In the first couple meetings (or dates) there have been times when I've given the waitress money towards the check before the guy shows up to avoid check wrestling. Depends on the situation.

I've never really had a man say anything about going Dutch before I suggest it, so I don't know how I'd react - but I don't see why it would matter who says what.

The guys I don't want to see again tend to be more personally related (no attraction, no common ground, crappy personality, them saying something offensive, etc).
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/31/2013 4:50:54 PM
^ Good. You are uncommon.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 99
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/31/2013 5:04:15 PM
^^^

no, she isn't. (though she's great, don't get me wrong)>

But in that subject, she and a whole lot of others of us are exactly the same when it comes to that. You guys just haven't figured that out yet.
 drinkthesunwithmyface
Joined: 3/27/2012
Msg: 100
view profile
History
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 7/31/2013 5:11:14 PM
^ Well, I might agree with you, in some respects. There's a whole lot more of you each day, it seems. Just wish that trend got started a lot earlier, when I was younger. Today's woman sure isn't like yesterday's woman. I'm happy, and proud, just wish it hadn't taken so long.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > You'll find someone when you stop looking