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 drinkthesunwithmyface
Joined: 3/27/2012
Msg: 115
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You'll find someone when you stop lookingPage 6 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

People like me are too shy and quiet to talk to women. I prefer online dating because it is much easier. I do wish I was very outgoing, but I am not


Online is easier yet harder! For every 1 good thing about online dating there are 3 bad things. Don't just wish you were more outgoing just be more outgoing. What a waste of a wish.
I'm shy but I still approach women online and off. Yet my experiences online actually make it harder to want to approach some women offline. Anyway if you are 20-30 you are better off trying to date offline

For me at least, but also for many others even with different intentions than mine...going online is only to play them numbers, increase the chances, look among a larger pool of people, use a medium that increases your contacts more than offline might offer. But it's not as a replacement for offline. Just like when a business draws from a bigger pool of prospective customers when including an online presence with their real life store-front. But, the problem of "finding" becomes bigger if you aren't clear about what you're looking for in the first place and get caught up in the "candy store" practice of always looking for the one who's "just a little bit better", so you screw yourself if that's the way that you think.

If a girl only likes guys that are over 6', muscular build, making over $100k/year, but she's dating you just because it's more realistic, are you really gaining anything by being her consolation prize? Why should guys do this to girls? Going both ways, the guy should ONLY look for what he wants, and the girl should only date him if he's what she wants. Neither should change or expect the other to change.

Yes. True. The person that you're with shouldn't be someone who you've "settled" for, but also a problem that some people have is what they're looking for in the first place such that it even becomes a matter of settling or not.

Some people lost touch of this, though, when they discovered the "candy store" of online dating. Guys have hundreds of girls to choose from, and girls have hundreds of guys messaging them. Now it's not about the quality of the other person, it's how good they look, or for a lot of guys messaging so many that the odds of SOMEONE replying is in your favor.

Yes. True. The real problem with many is what they're looking for in the first place. They can't keep their eye on the ball.

Here's a quick story demonstrating this - Once when I had a particular motorcycle, and would be talking to a fellow "motorcycle enthusiast" type...he would periodically ask me why I wasn't interested in every new better motorcycle available. I could only reply that what he was talking about isn't what I was looking for in a motorcycle in the first place. The features in question weren't the reasons why I like having a motorcycle, nor the motorcycle that I had. The motorcycle that I had was the one that I wanted according to what I was looking for and why I liked having one - something that was better in certain ways wasn't better, and was irrelevant. I already had a motorcycle, and had no need to look for or get a "more cool" one. The ways in which something would be "more cool" had nothing to do with what I wanted.

So again, it's not that online has it's drawbacks...but it's that people aren't looking the right way in the first place. That's all. And this fact is just more obvious in the online realm.

But back on topic, yeah, you'll find someone when you stop looking. You'll find someone when all the superficial bs just doesn't matter to you anymore. When you're giving that random person a chance because since you're not looking for a bf/gf, you'll actually talk to them now. What it really comes down to, is when you stop looking, that's when you're most willing to give people the chance to actually talk to you, which is where that interest in dating comes from, not how hot they are.

Summary: When we're looking for someone to date, we're looking for someone who fits our shopping list of demands of what they need to be. When we stop looking, we're more likely to actually talk to random pepole who aren't as hot, or don't make as much money, and then SURPRISE you start to like them.

This is what I've tried to explain before in here - the real problem is identifying this issue incorrectly. It's how you are looking, not the fact that you are. The funny thing here is that everybody who expresses disapproval of looking keeps confirming this that I'm saying, but not realizing that's what they're doing or not admitting it. You're making a statement about the how, which reveals assumptions or preconceptions about people who are looking that often just don't apply. There are all of these assumptions of the dynamics of the act of looking, how someone is going about looking, or their total mindset. And those just shouldn't be associated with each other as intrinsic traits.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 116
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 3/13/2014 5:25:55 AM
You can not be looking but be open. Stop making dating and being part of a couple such a huge priority and actually get to know people for who they are. As you widen your social circle which is a side effect something may naturally/organically become romantic - but there doesn't have to be a goal or even a desire for it.

When you're looking (consciously sizing people up as dating partners in any way) your vibe tends to cause people to back off - it projects agenda. When you're not - you are open to conversations, learning about people regardless of whether or not you'd date them and while something may come out of it - you aren't paying attention to it nor do you care.

Experiment: talking to someone on the street who you have general interest in as a fellow human being as opposed to say, being a salesman and not taking that conversation as it comes but trying to steer in a direction that favors your agenda. Looking for a date is similar to selling a product. Some don't want to be thrown a pitch.

Not looking or worrying about dating but staying social works because whether or not you date anyone eventually you're generally content with the social aspect. You're not expecting anything...so you won't be disappointed if nothing comes of it.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 117
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 3/13/2014 7:51:06 AM
If you make dating a priority, you tend to scare away people. you don't even realize how intense you are, how you keep working into conversation comments about your singlehood, et cetera. If a woman has to fight you off, she doesn't have the time to make a pass at you.

on the flip side, if you aren't her cup of tea at all...neither method matters, unless she's drunk :)
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 118
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 3/13/2014 8:30:06 AM

When you're looking (consciously sizing people up as dating partners in any way) your vibe tends to cause people to back off - it projects agenda.


Isn't that how dating usually works? People are looking for someone they are attracted to, and when they see or meet someone they're interested in dating, the agenda is to get a date. I don't see a problem with that. It's called flirting. People will back off only if they're not attracted to the person who might ask them for a date.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 119
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 3/13/2014 9:03:36 AM

Isn't that how dating usually works?

Depends. Are you trying to date until you find someone that works for you, or are you not worried about dating unless/until you meet someone and it develops? Many people are trying to date first and figure everything else out later. Dating isn't a job where you try to nail down a prospect, it's something you do if/when you meet someone you want to know better while you're living your life.

People are looking for someone they are attracted to, and when they see or meet someone they're interested in dating, the agenda is to get a date.

Exactly. Why look for someone you're attracted to? People will cross your path that you have attraction to eventually regardless unless you never leave the house. Why put the focus on trying to hunt for it?

I don't see a problem with that.

Most people don't, sadly.

It's called flirting. People will back off only if they're not attracted to the person who might ask them for a date.

Not necessarily. Even if someone might be attracted to or interested in someone they cross paths with - how that other person approaches and how their overall vibe feels can cause someone to put up a wall instead of discovering that there is an interest.

P.S. I'm not talking about flirting generally or even with someone you find attractive. I'm talking about having the mentality that everything you do in the course of a day could lead to meeting someone to the point that you care what the outcome is and are disappointed when it doesn't. Online dating has made it OK for people to perpetually be looking for someone to pair off with to the point where when it's not happening it can be actually depressing or disappointing for the person in question.
 KidInTheHall
Joined: 2/23/2014
Msg: 120
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 3/13/2014 9:22:24 AM
I've often thought this and on more than one occasion when I stop messaging women, stop browsing , really any of that I'd find a short while later someone would actually message me but it didn't go any further but so far I'm having more luck by actually messaging people.
 localRenoite12
Joined: 4/17/2013
Msg: 121
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 3/13/2014 12:43:14 PM

Stop making dating and being part of a couple such a huge priority and actually get to know people for who they are..


It's pretty easy to say that if you have had many relationships in the past or have no problem getting them. It's a human need and desire, if you don't meet it you're either going to get depressed or try harder to get one.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 122
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 3/13/2014 1:57:28 PM

It's pretty easy to say that if you have had many relationships in the past or have no problem getting them.

It's easier in those cases because you put more of an emphasis on it than others. You have no idea whether or not someone's been in many relationships in the past or how "easy" it is to get them - and it has no bearing on how important you're making it.

It's a human need and desire, if you don't meet it you're either going to get depressed or try harder to get one.

What you mean is that it's (seen as) that way for YOU. You can't really speak for anyone else.

It's easy to say it's a human need and desire - it justifies making it a huge deal. In fact it's not a built in human need and desire to be in a romantic relationship. It's a learned thing - likely you were told this a lot by people as you were growing up. Do people need relationships with other people in general to be healthy? Yes. Do they need to be specifically romantic? Absolutely not.
 drinkthesunwithmyface
Joined: 3/27/2012
Msg: 123
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You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 3/13/2014 4:02:38 PM
It's even went past funny at this point. Right on cue. Does she actually not realize what she's doing? It's just too hard for me to believe.

Stop making dating and being part of a couple such a huge priority and actually get to know people for who they are

something may naturally/organically become romantic

When you're looking (consciously sizing people up as dating partners in any way) your vibe tends to cause people to back off

When you're not - you are open to conversations, learning about people regardless of whether or not you'd date them

talking to someone on the street who you have general interest in as a fellow human being as opposed to say, being a salesman and not taking that conversation as it comes but trying to steer in a direction that favors your agenda

Not looking or worrying about dating but staying social


If you make dating a priority, you tend to scare away people. you don't even realize how intense you are, how you keep working into conversation comments about your singlehood, et cetera

I mean...it's right there. Right there. You can reach out and touch it. It's not invisible. It's not hidden.

What I've said before on this subject - What is disturbing is that simple disagreement or difference in opinion isn't what's happening here. And it's really weird.
 GJallDay
Joined: 1/28/2014
Msg: 124
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 3/20/2014 6:36:43 PM
I guess the short version is make a bunch of friends, handful of them of the opposite sex. Eventually ask them out or wait for them to ask you or introduce you to a single friend of theirs. But results may vary.
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 125
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 3/20/2014 6:45:19 PM
"I guess the short version is make a bunch of friends, handful of them of the opposite sex. Eventually ask them out or wait for them to ask you or introduce you to a single friend of theirs. But results may vary."

Problem is all my friends are married and their friends are as well. I have some male "friends", but they are all trying to hit on me and are absolutely not willing to introduce me to their friends. Yes, I could easily go out on several dates a week with people who message me here, but they are just not my type. I've accepted dates from guys who are not my type before, but it was just baaaad. I felt like I was leading them on because they were so eager and I was "meh". I felt like I wasted their and my time, and that's not fair. I'd rather be by myself than with someone who doesn't make my heart race, and I can tell within a few minutes of meeting someone if I'm into him or not.
 drinkthesunwithmyface
Joined: 3/27/2012
Msg: 126
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You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 3/21/2014 2:10:04 AM
^ Well, those that I'm disagreeing with (on another aspect) are right about part of what they think that they're trying to say - just do what I figure that you already know anyway without me telling you...sometimes go out to places or get involved in activities that would bring you around other people for reasons different than dating or singleness, like kite-flying in the park or some volunteer work for something. I've sometimes said "don't just go places to meet people, but meet people in the places that you go."
 jpwrnglrwmn
Joined: 10/21/2013
Msg: 127
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 3/22/2014 1:42:15 PM
When I saw that sentence, I immediately thought that's the phrase that either parents or coupled up friends feel they have to say when you are single. .
Another way of saying something like this is. .get out there and just meet people for the sake of meeting people, without any expectations. I'm slowly getting around to the point where I feel like doing so (have been busy with catching up with friends lately)
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 128
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 3/22/2014 2:54:38 PM

You'll find someone when you stop looking


Maybe. Maybe not.

There is no absolute, 100%, guaranteed formula.
It happens whatever way it happens for each individual.

It IS possible to be trying TOO hard, which can make someone seem desperate, and can therefore drive people away. If those people stop trying so hard, and seem to themselves then to have stopped "looking", they may become more appealing and then when something positive happens, they will tend to support the saying. (I stopped looking [actually stopped trying too hard] and I found someone)
 drinkthesunwithmyface
Joined: 3/27/2012
Msg: 129
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You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 3/22/2014 7:48:40 PM
I guess a going joke in here will be me repeating my original critique that it's about how you look, while some swear that it's the act of looking itself. Something that's outrageously obvious, yet constantly denied while simultaneously confirmed in the same breath in here.

Just another thing that goes to show - the world is a strange place. With funny people.

Wanna good laugh? See my first post on the first page. Betcha can't finish reading it with a straight face.
 GJallDay
Joined: 1/28/2014
Msg: 130
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 3/28/2014 5:41:30 PM
^^^^ Not all women are like that. But that did happen to me earlier this week . It was more than 3 emails but then complete silence. oh well
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 131
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 3/28/2014 6:31:37 PM
Men do the same thing.....they talk for a while, then disappear. So what, if I haven't met them in person, they aren't real to e anyways. It's much worse when it happens after one or a few good dates.
 drivingharmony2
Joined: 3/22/2014
Msg: 132
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 3/28/2014 7:25:52 PM

Wanna good laugh? See my first post on the first page. Betcha can't finish reading it with a straight face.


Honestly, I chuckled half way through it then I got dizzy.......LOL ;)


You'll find someone when you stop looking


Personally, I think it's a load of crap. Sure it happens to some people. But, I think it's a lazy cop-out saying.


Men do the same thing.....they talk for a while, then disappear. So what, if I haven't met them in person, they aren't real to me anyways.....


^^^^Agreed. With online dating, ^^^^ is to be expected. Case in point, this week, I had been emailing this PoF guy, we talked on the phone, a seemingly good conversation approx. 45 minutes, he said he would call the next day. He did not call. Oh well. Nothing is real until you meet. Even after you meet, there is no guarantee you will hear from the other person again.
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 133
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 3/28/2014 7:41:12 PM
Hm, maybe there is something to it after all....kind of at least. I was ready to take an extended break from dating/looking online. I hadn't met anybody I liked online for a while, only had a few pointless convos with guys who would to on and on but never asked me out (a HUGE turn off for me). I went through a few days of feeling really defeated and depressed, thinking about the two men I dated during the last year that I really, really, really liked but who won't even talk to me now. I wasn't even interested in meeting anybody else. I did a lot of spring cleaning in my head and in my house, exercised more, started cooking from scratch more, kept really busy with all sorts of non-dating related things and voila - all of a sudden I'm talking to someone who seems like a great guy and who seems eager to meet me. NOrmally I wouldn't even have bothered because he lives a good two hours from where I live, but since I can't find anybody nearby that I like, I figure I'll give this a shot. We are both looking for something serious, he seems like a very good, down to earth guy and next weekend he'll come visit me for the first time (first meet/date). No guarantee it will work out, but I'm feeling hopeful again after several months of just no luck at all.
 drinkthesunwithmyface
Joined: 3/27/2012
Msg: 134
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You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 3/29/2014 6:30:05 AM
TrustInKarma:

Just ask yourself...is this really a case of finding by not looking? You stopped certain activities and pursued others, sure. But is that the same thing as what many mean with the phrase?

How exactly did you happen to meet this man while cooking and cleaning and not spending time on online dating stuff?

You state that you and this man were both looking for something serious. So it's confirmed that you "want", and in that way "look" - which can't just qualify as just "being open to it" ...so is it just a matter of accidentally or intentionally tricking yourself into changing how you go about things? - A contention for this phrase/concept is that it's about approaching it all a certain way...but that is all about an image that the act of "wanting", "caring", and "looking", in any way, intrinsically includes approaching it in certain ways. Ways that, of course, are self-defeating, but are not always, or even very often, part of how someone approaches things who is "looking".
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 135
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 3/29/2014 7:00:31 AM
^^^I was wondering the same thing too-how did this guy appear out of the blue, who lives two hours way when she wasn't looking? She hasn't met the guy yet, so it's not a case of bumping into each other in the grocery store or any other chance meeting.

I stopped looking and dreaming of owning a Ferrari or a similar sports car a long time ago, but I still haven't seen one show up in my driveway. What's going on? Does the rule only apply to finding a mate? What about the other thousand things that I want, but won't look for? When are they going to magically appear?
 drinkthesunwithmyface
Joined: 3/27/2012
Msg: 136
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You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 3/29/2014 7:50:26 PM
ok, that shit was too funny, outa left field, nice and dry.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 137
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 3/30/2014 9:28:41 AM

You state that you and this man were both looking for something serious. So it's confirmed that you "want", and in that way "look" - which can't just qualify as just "being open to it"

I agree with this. If you want something you are unconsciously looking for it. If you want it with someone once you know them - that's another thing. Not looking, meeting someone while doing something else and discovering you both want a serious relationship is just a more passive way of looking.

I stopped looking and dreaming of owning a Ferrari or a similar sports car a long time ago, but I still haven't seen one show up in my driveway. What's going on? Does the rule only apply to finding a mate? What about the other thousand things that I want, but won't look for? When are they going to magically appear?

1. Yes it's different with a mate - they won't be inanimate, owned or cost thousands of dollars. Acquiring a Ferrari is as simple as going to a dealership and buying one. If you can't afford it then work harder/smarter. There's no two person formula there.

2. Not looking (IMO) means not caring - so if you're not looking for something and wondering why it's not working - you're still focused on a specific outcome, so you still care. When you don't care either way it then won't matter what the outcome is, therefore it works. When you don't care if you have a Ferrari, it won't matter if you get one. See? People who say "I stopped looking and it didn't work" are in fact, still looking - or they wouldn't be keeping track of the success or perceived "failure" of what they're doing.

When you no longer care either way, you're doing it right. Then you can be social, live your life, and if someone you meet in passing turns out to be more than just someone you meet in passing, and you go with that - that's being open to it - not wanting, not looking. If you don't ever meet anyone, that's fine too. You won't care either way. Some get the hang of this, some are this way by default, some never get this.

The more you care, the more you try to make something happen, the more open to frustration you will be. And if you like frustration (especially over something like dating of all things), then there's no problem - carry on.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 138
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 3/30/2014 9:33:53 AM
There is so much on semantics in the debate... when I think some maybe are deliberately misunderstanding what is meant by not looking.

It is not LITERALLY not looking. It is not looking with a massive agenda.

If a person is actively seeking with an end result wanted with every single interaction they have, there sometimes is a projection of desperation or control that can repel if it comes across a little too strong.

If a person is OPEN to finding someone but not actively seeking that, then they will clearly be able to see (and BE seen) by whoever they come in contact with, and then when a person does click especially well it will happen naturally, rather than trying to ram open a jar.

You can be out doing things that maybe even are designed to meet someone; that's cool. But what ISN'T happening is that your agenda every single time is "this person needs to be the one". You are meeting them as a person to get to know, and if you click, you follow up on it. But if you don't, you aren't disappointed, upset, because you are meeting them for the sole reason of getting to know another human being. Enjoy the time, don't try and orchestrate it.

That is the difference.
 JDADDI
Joined: 8/15/2007
Msg: 139
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 4/19/2014 3:37:12 AM
That is real,so many have lost contact with what is real.life is but a cycle,when it is over it is over.it is not about what you got out it but what did you bring to it.it is better yo give than recv.but it means to Life.from that since all is inner conected All benifit.
When you learn to truily love Life,joy,fun peace,anf mates come naturally.people will ask you for your attention and time.
Remember This little light of mine lol thats real.let a light shine on you in your darkness see how glad you will be. Is your Light on? More than a mate i hope each of you find yourself and your light.
I promise you your search will be brightened.
The beauty of it now days if you shine just a little you will Glow in here lol and life..
Heres a thought,enjoy what you Have while you strive for what you Want...
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