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 jc91607
Joined: 1/21/2013
Msg: 20
Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I do not know much about the OP's particular situation to comment, but many women will friend-zone a guy, but send him mixed messages by treating him like a boyfriend. Usually this involves getting the friend to perform favors that typically a boyfriend will do.

For example, a friend will not spend the entire weekend moving your furniture up and down several flights of stairs, but a boyfriend will. A friend will not always buy you dinner, but a boyfriend will. A friend will not do some major repairs for you free of charge, but a boyfriend will.

It is kind of like a guy telling a woman he just wants to be friends, but then asking her to have sex with him.
 bmore_goat
Joined: 4/8/2009
Msg: 21
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Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 6/20/2013 11:00:15 PM
Is there any way I can talk to this guy to get him to only ever see me as a friend, or should I cut the friendship altogether?


Cut the friendship.
Why, because he doesn't sees YOU as a friend.
I repeat, this man is not your friend. Friend understand boundaries.
He sees you as a conquest. you are his special project that he wants to finish.

But, let's look at YOUR motivation. Why do you need this guy in your life. I'm quite sure you got other friends to fill your friendship void. Could be it's just nice to be wanted?
 grizzelda
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 25
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Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 6/21/2013 7:11:40 AM

Is there any way I can talk to this guy to get him to only ever see me as a friend, or should I cut the friendship altogether?


See I dont see this as a friendship, I see this as a selfish asshat looking to get laid and constantly disrespecting you by trying to manipulate you. That isnt what friends do to each other when they get a woody. This guy sees you as a cum receptacle, is that what you think friends think of each other?

There is no point in trying to have a conversation with this guy, because all he is going to do is turn this around on you and based on what you have written, it will work and you will become the bad guy in this. So, I suggest that if he ever says anything that you dont like again, tell him to **** off and stop speaking to him. If your friends dont like it, give them the same treatment and move on as well. It isnt all that hard to find selfish and immature people so replacing your "friends" wont be all that hard...

Unless your friends are paying your rent, are giving you or a relative a donor organ, you should not have to deal with someone's bullshit and they should not expect you to either. I imagine its because they dont want to have to deal with the "drama" of this guy's behavior and it is much easier to blame you for not being nice, than for them to have to have some character and cut a douchebag out of their social circle, not too mention that becasue its not happening to them, it isnt important...Frankly that alone should tell you that these people arent your friends and you probably should review what you expect from the people you trust as friends...
 BabblingBrookes
Joined: 2/14/2013
Msg: 26
Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 6/21/2013 9:06:20 AM

I think it's back to normal and he is treating me like a friend again, but then I get hints of something else.


Listen to your instincts. This guy will likely never be able to be your friend. He'll lead you on by telling you he's ok with just being friends, but it's just a ploy to manipulate you. His hope is that you'll lower your guard, accept his kindness, reciprocate it, and then eventually change your mind about the sex. He doesn't want your friendship for the sake of friendship.

Sadly, I've encountered this myself a few times. I've learned the hard way that you can never be friends with a guy who finds you physically attractive. He's shown his hand and hopes you'll forget it over time.

Cut the friendship altogether. Be cordial, but never set aside time for him. If he wants to meet up for coffee when he's in town, decline. If he wants to skype, decline. If he asks why, reference the conversation you had with him earlier. He can in no way feel that he is "special". He'll confuse your kindness for something else.

I wouldn't worry about your group of friends. It's your life. If any of them bring up your dating tendencies, tell them that your romantic life is not a topic for discussion. Period.

 BabblingBrookes
Joined: 2/14/2013
Msg: 27
Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 6/21/2013 9:15:44 AM

For example, a friend will not spend the entire weekend moving your furniture up and down several flights of stairs, but a boyfriend will. A friend will not always buy you dinner, but a boyfriend will. A friend will not do some major repairs for you free of charge, but a boyfriend will.


Guys don't help each other with major repairs, food or moving into a new place? My brother and his friends did that for me and they didn't expect anything of me except beer and pizza. I'm at an income level where I can hire movers, but I'd hate to be in a position to have to make sure my acceptance of help wasn't an invitation for more. Couldn't the guy just say NO if a non-girlfriend asks for help? And if he says yes, understand that he didn't magically switch from the friend ladder to the boyfriend ladder? What the heck? :\
 jc91607
Joined: 1/21/2013
Msg: 28
Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 6/24/2013 11:03:00 AM

Guys don't help each other with major repairs, food or moving into a new place? My brother and his friends did that for me and they didn't expect anything of me except beer and pizza. I'm at an income level where I can hire movers, but I'd hate to be in a position to have to make sure my acceptance of help wasn't an invitation for more. Couldn't the guy just say NO if a non-girlfriend asks for help? And if he says yes, understand that he didn't magically switch from the friend ladder to the boyfriend ladder? What the heck? :\


Brothers help their sisters move and do other favors a boyfriend may due for a boyfriend. While it is possible one of your brothers friends could have had a crush on you, they were doing a favor for your brother, not for you. You also gave them beer and pizza. In many cases, men do favors for friends because they know they will get similar favors in return in the future. Also in many cases, the work men do together has a recreational component. For example, some men like working on cars together or building things together.

The issue is that there are women who will ask a guy to do all that stuff without the beer and pizza. They bat their eyelashes, flirt, or use their feminine charms to get favors, free drinks, and other things from men then wonder why the men are not happy with just being friends. In many of these cases, the women do few if any favors for the men.

You are right in that these guys share a great deal of the blame. In most cases they are allowing themselves to be used as a doormat. Most of these guys are young and dumb and have to learn their lessons the hard way.
 platypus_man
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 30
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Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 6/25/2013 2:51:25 AM

Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?

Because so many women send mixed signals, then also you have a tendency to change your minds. Also because sometimes 'no' means maybe, sometimes you play hard to get, lets face it, lots of women like to play games. We also read even in women's magazines where some women find a man who's persistant to be attractive. So there's no real concrete answer. Ladies, if you're not interested, simply continue to say no. That's all you can do. Did I mention that there are also women who won't take the 'just friends' statement for a final answer either? Yup.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 31
Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 6/25/2013 8:26:08 AM

For example, a friend will not spend the entire weekend moving your furniture up and down several flights of stairs, but a boyfriend will. A friend will not always buy you dinner, but a boyfriend will. A friend will not do some major repairs for you free of charge, but a boyfriend will.


That's pretty much my definition of a friend. My friends help me when I need it...I don't get this analogy at all
That's what friends are!

I also don't get the need to meet people with the intention of a relationship and then relegating them to friend
status. Mostly you're making them your acquaintances. People you know but don't want to be bothered with.
If you do like to have those sorts of people around, and they refuse to conform to your definition of what your
relationship should be, then simply get rid of them. Why do you need people that don't understand boundaries
in your life?

This guy is not your "friend"...he doesn't want to be your "friend".
Stop paying attention to him.
 GJBrown
Joined: 9/12/2011
Msg: 34
Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 6/25/2013 2:23:25 PM
Am I the only 1 who thinks OP is the 1 being shady!? so guy friend asked her to take his virginity, she refused, and the friendship went on. So he compliments her and ask her to hangout with him. Isnt that what friends do anyway. But she can't let his 1 mistake go and now she thinks that friendship with her is the very last thing on his mind. It's actually insulting to this guy that she thinks he is so dense and he just wants to get it in with her.
Maybe he has moved on. Maybe he compliments OP cause he just a guy who likes giving compliments. Maybe OP is immature and full of herself. Maybe all the people on here bashing this guy don't know the value of a real friendship anyway Maybe I'm wrong about all of this.
I say end the friendship because OP doesn't deserve this guy's friendship. No guy needs a friend who thinks they are creepy
 PS_4
Joined: 4/2/2013
Msg: 35
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Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 6/25/2013 2:48:43 PM
I feel you GJBrown. Check out some of the other posts the OP has made. Wow just wow. Keep posting man, I like your style!
 activemelaney
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 37
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Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 6/25/2013 5:08:38 PM
Good grief. Cut to the chase. The Op is ether a fake or has serious issues. Stop playing her game.

Sometimes it's embarrassing to be a woman and hear this blabbery drama queen nonsense. The real question is why do you need attention or, do you have a brain? What issue are you going to come up with next week?
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 38
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Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 6/25/2013 6:03:55 PM
Not compatible as lovers or friends. Both deserve better and leave it a that.
 Out_of_the_Ash
Joined: 3/1/2009
Msg: 39
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Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 6/25/2013 6:05:30 PM

I got the whole "you're not being a nice girl" lecture from a friend when I rejected another man's overtures.


What the....?
That's doing my head in. So you're not allowed to be selective, and you're not a nice girl because you're not jumping every time a guy wants to bang you?
 jc91607
Joined: 1/21/2013
Msg: 40
Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 6/25/2013 10:20:57 PM

That's pretty much my definition of a friend. My friends help me when I need it...I don't get this analogy at all
That's what friends are!


There is nothing odd or abnormal with people doing favors for each other. Usually there is some sort of reciprocity involved. It is one thing for a man (who is a true friend and not a boyfriend) to move some furniture because he knows that if he needs help, you are more than willing to roll up your sleeves and do a favor for him. If he is a true friend, you are also going to offer him some food or beer in appreciation of his efforts.

A true boyfriend may do favors for you with no expectation that you are going to roll up your sleeves and do a favor for him. He may even go out and buy pizza and/or beer for those that help in the effort.

It is another thing for a man to move a bunch of furniture for a woman, and return all the woman does is bat her eyelashes. To clarify things, I am talking about those women that consider a man "just a friend," but expect him to do all sorts of favors in return for nothing but empty flirtation. This kind of thing sends mixed messages to a guy. Yes guys that find themselves in this situation are at fault too for being naive doormats, but women that do this to guys are either naive or cruel.
 jessebunnies
Joined: 2/18/2013
Msg: 42
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Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 6/26/2013 7:46:05 AM
He can't get the message because you beat around the bush on what you really feel so you don't come off looking stuck up, or a bad person, so you give him this gratuitous friends line when you probably don't really want that. Be up front.

So how much more up front could OP be? Seriously? If your skull is so thick that when someone tells you they only see you as a friend and you still don't get it there's not more that can or should be done! See bolded from OP's original post down below.


I was ever so creeped out and told him that I wasn't looking for a relationship and that I saw him as a friend.


What I don't get is how some of the men on this thread are suddenly making it OP's fault because she turned him down? No always means NO! It's not code for yes! Figure it out.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 43
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Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 6/26/2013 9:13:38 AM

So how much more up front could OP be? Seriously? If your skull is so thick that when someone tells you they only see you as a friend and you still don't get it there's not more that can or should be done! See bolded from OP's original post down below.


It isn't so simple if we are talking about such a young age group. In that age group I know men and women that are dating refer to it to as "hanging out". Most guys that ask females out in that age group tend to ask out women if they want to hang out. I personally only want to hang out with a friend but if I am attracted to a woman I ask them out on a DATE. I try to relay that to these younger guys to make their intentions clear as possible or else they end up wasting their time.

Women in that age group are not the only ones guilty of creating this ambiguity of "friends first" as guys asking women out that, they are attracted to, for a "hang out" are implying they are attracted to such a woman for sexual intimacy but not really interested in a real, lasting relationship. Most people consider dating to be about forging a relationship (friendship and sexuality in unison). Pure friendship lacks sexuality while FB/FWB may have some elements of friendship the main arrangement is about sexuality.



So how much more up front could OP be? Seriously? If your skull is so thick that when someone tells you they only see you as a friend and you still don't get it there's not more that can or should be done! See bolded from OP's original post down below.


She needs to end this friendship.

This guy is young, immature, and doesn't understand. Since this guy lacks sexual experience it only reinforces my view that she should end this friendship with this guy. Or else this guy will build resentment and sexual frustration will mount.

It is not healthy for her to cling onto this guy for "friendship". And it is also not healthy for this guy to hope the can have his first sexual experience with this woman that does not find him attractive. This guy deserves his first sexual experience to be with a woman that wants him and accepts him.

It doesn't say anything bad about the OP or her "guy friend" it just means they don't have the maturity yet to make these tough choices.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 45
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Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 6/26/2013 10:26:36 AM

What I don't get is how some of the men on this thread are suddenly making it OP's fault because she turned him down? No always means NO! It's not code for yes! Figure it out.


Because her guy friend isn't the only one being naive.

She needs to realize offering friendship to a man that sees her differently isn't going to work out. The gesture of friendship is simply superficial and not genuine.
 localRenoite12
Joined: 4/17/2013
Msg: 47
Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 6/28/2013 12:20:34 AM
What friendship? You're creeped out by him and he is only keeping contact in hopes he can score with you. Just end it, there's really nothing in it for either one of you.

No offense but both of you didn't really go about it the best way. He definitely seems awkward with the whole directly asking you for sex. At the same time it seems you really didn't set your boundaries with him and probably weren't too straight forward with conveying your discomfort which is probably the seems he still thinks there's a chance.
 rockstar1118nj
Joined: 3/28/2013
Msg: 50
Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 7/2/2013 1:50:46 PM
here's a different answer to this question... how many times does " just friends" mean WAY more than that?

sadly, it happens. a guy is with a girl, she's hanging out with a guy, but it's ok " we're just friends", suddenly she has a reason to fight with him every day, they break up, and a week later she has a new boyfriend, and guess who it is.

or how many of the " just friends" will a girl go to a bar with, then go home and ride him all night?

Why don't some guys get it when you say you only see them as a friend? Because odds are, they can name a few guys you only saw as a friend, but had no problem at all with the idea of getting naked for them.

So many of you play this game, is it really a surprise when it eventually backfires on you? And your response didn't answer his question at all. he asked a yes or no question, not what you're relationship goals are. stop dodging the actual questions being asked and stuff like this doesn't happen. it was as simple as the word " no".
 Sonic98
Joined: 6/7/2006
Msg: 52
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Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 5/29/2014 8:37:23 AM
The way I look at it is why would I want to be friends with the type of woman who wouldn't date a guy like me. I just question the type of person she is. Plus, I find it kind of BS when I've seen the same women convert guys from friend to more than friends or end up with guys they turned down multiple times in the past. Sometimes I feel like with some women it's all about how you say it, when you say, where you are when you approach them, the persona you give off, etc. Then some women get mad if they feel like a guy "gamed " them or sold them a dream, but so woman women treat dating like a game, so can you get mad when someone plays the game. The days of a guy or girl just walking up to someone else and saying "Hi my name is XXX, how are you doing" are mostly over.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 53
Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 5/29/2014 8:47:52 AM
Hopefully this dating/love situation was resolved in JUNE 2013 when initially opened and OP was still posting here.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 54
Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 5/29/2014 9:02:52 AM
Oh,but for certain she isn't the only one in this boat.

Why doesn't he see what she wants? b/c he doesn't want it.

ain't more complicated than that.

but its "funny" how a person who is self focused....hangs out with people who are the same. like they feel more comfortable about their belief in how life should be conducted, when they hang out with like-minded people.

the best way to find good people...is to be "good people".
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 55
Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 5/29/2014 10:12:53 AM
Yeah, it's an old thread, but this post pretty much sums it up:


Because so many women send mixed signals, then also you have a tendency to change your minds. Also because sometimes 'no' means maybe, sometimes you play hard to get, lets face it, lots of women like to play games. We also read even in women's magazines where some women find a man who's persistant to be attractive. So there's no real concrete answer. Ladies, if you're not interested, simply continue to say no. That's all you can do. Did I mention that there are also women who won't take the 'just friends' statement for a final answer either? Yup.


And then to add to it, how many were "just friend" then left their boyfriend for him. How many say no but give just enough flirting to lead you on and keep you chasing?

I've always said, honesty from the start is the ONLY way to handle stuff like this. What the OP should have done is put it right out there: "I'll be your friend, but I will NEVER have sex with you." Problem solved
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 56
Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 5/29/2014 10:21:39 PM
Please tell me this before you fvck my brains out:)
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 57
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Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 5/30/2014 4:30:17 AM
I agree with the basic point that it really doesn't matter what any individual woman says.

There may be a few people in the world, male and female alike, who really know themselves so thoroughly, and are THAT stable and unchanging, that they really Are certain every time that they WILL NEVER be interested in more than polite friendship... but there are damn few of them, and most of them are boring, uninteresting people because they DON'T change and grow with experience.

This doesn't excuse HOW a given guy or gal goes about asking and re-asking. Just as it's on those of us who are saying "no" to recognize the realities of life, it is ALSO on those who keep asking, to accept the same realities. And that means that this will always at best, be another one of those areas where we all do a sort of long, slow, very old-fashioned multi-person dance, with built-in polite formal bows and turns away. The only people who should get kicked out of the dance, are the ones who insist on refusing to be polite and accept the bowing "no" with grace, and the ones who refuse to accept the periodic, polite, bowing "what about now?" moves.
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