Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Will he change?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Della D
Joined: 7/10/2008
Msg: 26
Will he change?Page 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Who knows whether he will change and when??????

What you have to ask yourself is whether you are willing to keep up with his present time immature foolishness. If not, opt out and don't put your life on hold in the hope he might change his ways.
 LoneScottishBoy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 27
view profile
History
Will he change?
Posted: 6/20/2013 6:54:57 AM
Well...you just stepped into a bear trap here.
I will weight in with what I understand from your post.

There IS a possibility that he will change. The first real change he needs to make is dropping the reaction patterns he has from his ex-wife from you. Let me explain.
17 years of interaction tends to hone certain responses to the point where they are automatic. You will note these whenever he "gets mad for no reason". What that actually is, is his automatic reaction to something he associates with his ex's behavior. In 17 years things can get so tangled that "Can I have the salt?" can be interpreted as "You are a lousy SOB who wont pass me the salt like I thought you would. Why cant you read my frickin mind?!"
Small example, but it goes like that sometimes.

You are going to have to deal with the legacy reactions and so is HE. The problem is weather he actually becomes aware of them. In most cases like this, the man will go through two or three new relationship break ups before the world "teaches" him he needs to change and wise up. This is the reason you see a lot of guys on their third marriage. They messed the second because they were still sleeping.
Basically, he is still mired in his last relationship.
If you want to wait around until he wakes up, then thats for you to decide. But without being conscious of it, he will merely place the same reactions and expectations on you that he used with his ex.
So you get the sum total of distortions from the previous 17 years.
Plus, his ex is almost certainly going to make another guest appearance at some point after she figures out the facebook guy wasnt all she thought he was.

Yes, he will change at some point. The universe has a basic rule: adapt or die.
The question is if he will change in a timeframe suitable for you.

The problem is that some of him is in a relationship with you and some is still projecting stuff about his ex-wife onto you.
It's your decision what you want to do with it.
 NDTfan
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 28
Will he change?
Posted: 6/20/2013 8:26:30 AM
He will change if/when he wants to.

The only question you should be concerning yourself with is if you're willing to put up with it just in case he does.
 Out_of_the_Ash
Joined: 3/1/2009
Msg: 29
view profile
History
Will he change?
Posted: 6/21/2013 10:06:17 PM
Sounds like classic passive aggressive behavior that may very well be a disorder he grew into from his childhood, and why his wife left him for greener pastures. All you need to know is if his father or mother was a push and pull type of man/woman. He got it from somewhere.

Run. Just run.

EDIT: google "the passive aggressive man".
 RERE1026
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 30
view profile
History
Will he change?
Posted: 6/22/2013 5:20:27 PM
Sadly, no he will not.....still having e-mails from my ex wanting to come back after many transgressions. Now he is dumped....if you only knew of the games he played to kick me out of the game and now wants me back. Be good to yourself and let him go......
 justhere70
Joined: 2/22/2013
Msg: 31
view profile
History
Will he change?
Posted: 6/22/2013 5:44:27 PM
I googled passive aggressive man and it does sound like him in some ways. Although he hasnt got mad and left again YET, he did break plans we had today. He had promised me that we would spend the whole day together today and that he would even go with me to see my mom(she is 80 and in the hospital for dementia). He ended up not going with me to see her and made up the excuse that he needed to go home and feed his horses and he would come back over to my house tonight. He also promised that he would come back over as soon as I text him that I was on my way home.I had to leave to go see my mom at around 2 and I told him that I would text him when I was on my way back home and he said that he would come back over when I got back home. I sent him a text at 4 telling him that I was on my way back home and he sent a text back saying he was riding horses. It is now 7:40pm and he still has not shown up at my house. Now am I wrong to be upset that he broke our plans for the day? Idk, its hard to explain how he is but I do know when something is bothering him, he will go riding horses.
 Debisusanne
Joined: 5/3/2011
Msg: 32
Will he change?
Posted: 6/22/2013 5:49:27 PM
4 months is not a lot of time invested yet. I think if you are not happy with his behavior.. cut your losses now.

It will not get better.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 33
view profile
History
Will he change?
Posted: 6/22/2013 5:54:15 PM
Google "alcoholic." That should be more enlightening.

Why are you ok with him treating you like this, again?
 justhere70
Joined: 2/22/2013
Msg: 34
view profile
History
Will he change?
Posted: 6/22/2013 6:06:25 PM
I'm not ok with him treating me like this again. I was just making sure that I wasnt over reacting.
 justhere70
Joined: 2/22/2013
Msg: 35
view profile
History
Will he change?
Posted: 6/22/2013 7:08:53 PM
Yep, that was the excuse. He was probably planning on riding them all along. We would have been going by his house on the way to the hospital and I even offered to wait while he fed the horses but he said no. Its almost 9 pm and he still hasnt showed up. We got into it earlier thru text cause he couldnt give me a straight answer as to when he would be here, which he has done ALOT. I told him that I was sorry and asked him if he would still come. At 8 he told me that he was still coming but his 12 year old daughter was riding the horse and asked if I would come get him(he lives 25 miles away, so that means I would have to go get him and then take him home, so about 100 miles all together). I know for a fact tho that he has more than likely started drinking and thats the reason he wants me to come and get him. At first I told him that I would, just so that I could tell how I feel about the way he did me today and alot of other times but now I am wondering if I should or not. After I told him that I would come get him when he sent me the text at 8, I sent a text back asking what time he wanted me to come and get him and thats been an hour ago and he still hasnt answered me back. No suprise there tho cause he does that all the time.

I guess alot of our problems is, I used to always tip toe around him so that I wouldnt set him off. Also when he showed up at my door last Saturday morning, asking what was wrong, I didnt really tell him everything that bothers me. Like for one, his drinking really bothers me, plus his breaking plans and alot of other things. I was at my breaking point last weekend and I am about there again now.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 36
view profile
History
Will he change?
Posted: 6/23/2013 3:59:08 AM
You were not at the breaking point last week, otherwise you'd have broken it off. Let's see what excuse you're going to make to take him back, this time.

Ask yourself what you're getting out of this, and why you love this drama so much.
 MS.ICENI
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 37
Will he change?
Posted: 6/23/2013 5:03:18 AM
LiliMarleen mentioned googling alcoholic and I would suggest you do it. As I stated in message 41 you are both in this mess. He is in denial and you are too. Only you can change yourself; the decision is yours.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 38
Will he change?
Posted: 6/23/2013 6:00:37 AM
If you want something that needs to be trained to behave the way you want them to, get a dog.

If you want something that needs to be "fixed/changed" to be what you want, buy an old house that needs renovation.

You shouldn't be taking on another human being expecting to train/fix/change them to behave the way you want.
 Out_of_the_Ash
Joined: 3/1/2009
Msg: 39
view profile
History
Will he change?
Posted: 6/23/2013 2:47:21 PM
You won't realize just how much they are passive aggressive (or not) until you end up living with them, and then they can let loose. Of course they won't show it straight up when they are hoping to trap you first.
 five-marie
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 40
view profile
History
Will he change?
Posted: 6/24/2013 5:05:03 PM
All you need to do is reread what you wrote here. That should make things clear to you. Today alone he has stood you up how many times? Then expects you to drive 100 miles because he's been drinking. Is there any limit to how badly he can treat you and you still want him to come over?
When I left my second husband I went to a counselor. Like you I always wondered if I were over reacting. After telling her my story I had no doubts. Hearing all of it at once instead of it being drawn out over years made it clear that I should have left years ago.
It's not you, it's him. You know this, we are all telling you this. He's treating you like he doesn't care at all and you still keep begging him to make time for you. Stop contacting him, stop waiting around for him to show up, stop allowing him to treat you this way.
 L_LuuLuu
Joined: 8/2/2009
Msg: 41
view profile
History
Will he change?
Posted: 6/25/2013 11:23:54 PM
My first husband used to occasionally pick fights and then run away -- as an excuse to get out to the house.

When I would get enough of this, or try to go somewhere myself, he would re-appear magically, either Jealous or remorseful.

That was in 1984 -- so it must be a pretty old trick.
 justhere70
Joined: 2/22/2013
Msg: 42
view profile
History
Will he change?
Posted: 6/26/2013 9:51:53 AM
Its not me wanting to do all the texting melody. Right after me and him met ( I would say in the 1st week or 2) he dropped his phone in water and all he can do is text with it. Me and his friend both has tried giving him a phone so he will have one that he can talk on but he wouldnt take it. He finally bought another phone about 2 or 3 weeks ago. We have talked on the phone a few times since he has had it but most of the time if I try to call, he wont answer.
 L_LuuLuu
Joined: 8/2/2009
Msg: 43
view profile
History
Will he change?
Posted: 6/26/2013 2:52:14 PM

anyone else know about what happens when a phone falls in water? can you still text but not call? when mine did that I couldnt call or text.


If a cell phone falls in water, it can be dried out BEFORE any arrempts to use it are made.

It will either work fine .... or not at all.
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 44
Will he change?
Posted: 6/26/2013 4:54:44 PM
OP, whether the guy is scared or is passive aggressive or WHATEVER, he is not healthy enough for you if you really want a good person who is responsible and doesn't have problems he is dealing with. You can continue to talk to him when he makes plans and then blows them off, you can continue to accept the "excuses" galore. If you do, then you accept what comes from all that and that is definitely not healthy nor will you be happy.
 JerseyTea
Joined: 5/19/2013
Msg: 45
Will he change?
Posted: 6/27/2013 6:44:27 PM
Will he really change or will he go back to his ways again eventually?

No, permanent change is very difficult, man or woman, and is unlikely to occur.
 justhere70
Joined: 2/22/2013
Msg: 46
view profile
History
Will he change?
Posted: 6/27/2013 7:15:34 PM

Dump the looser and eat smaller portions and more often.

Sorry, not sure what u mean?
 ImpassionedAdventure
Joined: 9/22/2012
Msg: 47
Will he change?
Posted: 6/28/2013 12:37:23 PM
OP - he shows the classic signs of an alcoholic. Oh and for the record research shows that you don't have to drink every day or for that matter get drunk every time to exhibit the signs of alcoholism. In fact some alcoholics never drink. They grew up with alcoholic parents so they follow the pattern.

For you if you want to continue in this relationship I would recommend you attend at least six Al-Anon meetings. They will either wake you up or prep you for what your getting yourself into.

Cheers
 Ladyinred4755
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 48
Will he change?
Posted: 6/28/2013 7:30:45 PM
For you if you want to continue in this relationship I would recommend you attend at least six Al-Anon meetings. They will either wake you up or prep you for what your getting yourself into.


I AGREE 100%....................Snap out of your state of denial. Things are as bad as you think they are. Seek help thru a support group. I learned a long time ago that the day I "gave up hope", ( gave up wishing and HOPING HE would change) the weight of carrying the relationship, my marriage, was lifted. My life was changed for the better thru a support group, starting with Al-Anon.
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 49
Will he change?
Posted: 6/28/2013 10:39:26 PM
OP, if you are still with this guy you get what you get, end of story.
 AnEvilGenius1
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 50
Will he change?
Posted: 6/29/2013 1:51:16 AM
I'm not a therapist, so I'm not about to attempt to play one in a relationship.

This is why I refuse to entertain people who lack the closure and growth from past experiences to participate in a mature relationship.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Will he change?