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 cleverusername7
Joined: 9/3/2011
Msg: 21
After two months now what?Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
Hamilton, you can do that thing where they list people you've messaged based on compatibility, and it'll show either "online today", "online this week", etc. I went back on POF because I felt she was pulling away and maybe dating other people, so I thought maybe I should look at other options too. I just randomly saw that she was on line, and randomly stumbled on her profile on OKC. I know I have no reason to hold it against her, and I keep trying to tell myself this, but I guess I'm a bit of the jealous type.
DMZvisitor, very insightful comments, thank you for the advice. I've thought this too. I suppose I'm afraid I'll end up like my aunt and uncle who never found anyone. I've been off and on single for about five years, and I'm tired of the dating game. So when I met someone who I clicked with so easily and whom I seemed to have a lot in common with, value and interest wise. Sure I jumped on it. Maybe it is partly because of my own insecurities and trust issues that I am where I am now. As this seems to be a pattern with me. I am an introvert so its not easy for me to meet new people. But I am super busy. I work 40-60 hours a week and spend a lot of time with family and friends. I was making time for her that I could have spent with others, so I guess you have a point. If I go out of my way to make time, when she's not ready to do the same, then I get all butt hurt about when she cancels and don't call to confirm us getting together. I know I shouldn't be accommodating, but my passions have always been stronger than my reasoning.
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 22
After two months now what?
Posted: 6/23/2013 5:53:33 PM
So it was okay for you to still be looking but not her? Still doesn't make sense. Every time I read the he/she was online, well, so were you! You have been counting, who messaged who first doesn't matter, not confirming a date and then having your nose out of joint because it didn't happen.

My advice to you.

Give up on this woman, let her find some who doesn't play games and is actually interested.

Take a good hard look at yourself before attempting another relationship.

Stop playing games and keeping score. Neither life nor relationships work that way.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 23
After two months now what?
Posted: 6/23/2013 11:33:20 PM

I probably should have hit her up on Thursday or Friday, but honestly after seeing she had been on POF and OKC the same day we had discussed plans (the previous Friday) kind of took the wind out of my sails.

Yeah, but it shouldn't have hit you that hard. People have incoming messages and stuff -- logging on and looking while being non-exclusive doesn't MEAN they're chasing or into someone else. Plus, you were on there to check it out. :) Granted, after 2 months, and her interest seemingly on-and-off it will just get to ya.... but you Should have hit her up, and judged her willingness based on that.

My friends say I should not talk to her, even though I feel like I owe her an apology for blowing her off. But if she really wanted to see me, she could have easily sent a simple text, she sent me a text to cancel our plans the previous week easily enough.

Yeah, you didn't blow her off -- you just had bad game. You weren't in position to be THE person to write. She was just as much responsible for not writing as you were. Again, not a blow off -- but you should have written her.

Is she really interested when she never takes initiative to make plans herself but only says yes when I'm the one doing all the work? I feel in this day and age planning and communicating should be a two way street.

It should be a two-way street. But you shouldn't necessarily expect her to take the initiative to make plans with you -- some women want the guy to take the lead on that. However, as far as communication is concerned, it's immature & childish to expect the guy to always initiate EVERY communication. And most women understand that when they know the guy likes her (it's been 2 months of knowing each other), there aren't baby games played when it comes to mere communication.

Also about the flowers thing. 4 out of the last 5 times I bought a girl flowers before being exclusive, she ended up breaking things off in one way or another. I'm a hopeless romantic at heart, and I love to spoil the apples of my eye.

Dude, you're desperate. That doesn't work and you're confused. You know it doesn't but you're frustrated. It's easier to buy romantic 'stuff' and spit out compliments and spoil than to be charming. You need to understand that aside from the very few gals looking for sugar daddies -- they don't want a guy to be like that and have that mindset until you've become a couple. You can't "win" 95% of girls that way -- in fact, psychologically, it will turn most off or at least dampen their internal interest.

Still my gut's telling me to move on, I've been at this long enough to know these patterns when I see them.

I think your gut knows she's not that interested in you. You want to see real interest in her, it's not really there, and that's why you put the ball in her court without her knowing it and not at the best of times.

At this point, yes, move on. Don't kick yourself of course... at best, you would have gotten a nice date that you paid for that wouldn't have led to anything anyway -- at best another date if you chased her enough. Next time, even if you feel the girl's not that interested -- follow through on setting up the date even if you have to reach out when the date was already agreed upon. Then read her on the date to decide... or if the gal postpones it, put the ball in her court if she's always seemed not that interested in you over time like this one was.

And don't give girls gifts or flowers to try and buy their interest! And more importantly, don't trip over your own feet to fire off compliments non-stop and lay out the red carpet. Treat them as a gal who you like & take out BUT they have to earn YOUR full interest, and THEY'RE the ones, just as much, to be accepted or denied. Have that mindset & approach. Read a book or two if you have to. :)
 daysleeper5
Joined: 11/6/2009
Msg: 24
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After two months now what?
Posted: 6/24/2013 12:39:32 AM
OP, two months is more than enough time for this woman to either sh-t or get off the pot. Casual dating for any longer than that is usually only about the sex. Like a summer fling. Especially for the person who seems the most nonchalant about it. You deserve a straight answer though. Pick up the phone and call her. Be straightforward and blunt. What's the deal with the two of you? Don't let her be coy and if she says anything about being "confused," just hang up the phone because that's usually followed by "I don't know what I want."
 peaceful_garden
Joined: 4/10/2013
Msg: 25
After two months now what?
Posted: 6/24/2013 1:45:31 AM

BTW, my friends who are telling me this are my best friend and her husband


It's probably something like that....your best friend is a woman. Yikes I wouldn't take you seriously either, nor would any of my friends put up with that drama dynamic. She prefers a man with boundaries.
 cleverusername7
Joined: 9/3/2011
Msg: 26
After two months now what?
Posted: 6/24/2013 1:11:46 PM
^ Care to elaborate on this drama dynamic and boundaries? I'm not quite sure what you're getting at. I've always believed that being friends with women shows respect for women. Since it shows the guy can appreciate a woman for more than what they look like/can get from her.
 john76543
Joined: 4/26/2013
Msg: 27
After two months now what?
Posted: 6/25/2013 1:44:14 PM
I would rather love and mess up my way than love and mess up because of someone else's advice.

Why?

Because I was being me, even if it was flawed. It sucks kicking yourself in the butt because someone's advice made you look like a butt...if I am going to look like a butt, its going to be because of me...not someone else.
 peaceful_garden
Joined: 4/10/2013
Msg: 28
After two months now what?
Posted: 6/26/2013 1:28:43 AM
^ Care to elaborate on this drama dynamic and boundaries? I'm not quite sure what you're getting at. I've always believed that being friends with women shows respect for women. Since it shows the guy can appreciate a woman for more than what they look like/can get from her.


Being best friends with another woman, and especially one who is married is considered very disrespectful in my social circles. I've got lots of guy friends however when I'm dating a new guy and it's working out my guy friends naturally back off to make him feel comfortable. How is it that you have no inclination of maintaining that best friend emotional intimacy as being inappropriate?

Even though I have lots of guy friends there is a limit to what I will do with them. I do not deny that sexual undercurrents are usually there or may develop at any time since there is a very powerful prime directive to mate between heterosexuals. And to live in integrity one does not maintain emotional intimacy with opposite sex friends while in a romantic relationship, our society considers that an emotional affair.

So in other words if a guy talks about having a female best friend, I say next. And that's my guess as to what happened to the new girl in your life.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 29
After two months now what?
Posted: 6/26/2013 7:46:41 AM
so I asked my friends and they said I should back off for a while and give her a chance to miss me.


This is the stupidest most ridiculous piece of advice. Why? First of all, it's playing games. You have not stablish a big enough relationship to be missing anyone. Second, sounds like you are conducting this relationship through TEXTING. That is not a relationship, that is not grounds by which I may miss someone. You miss someone that you have established awesome memories with. So, were they two of you intimate. Intimate several times? Was the sex memorable. Unless you can answer yes to these, there's not much to miss.

So my advice. Just CALL HER. REAL communication. Make her laugh, not get to mushy serious and set up another date. If she does not respond, or calls you back, then move on.


I should point out that I've been very clear about my intentions with her from the beginning. I told her I only date one person at a time. Made lots of romantic gestures, and told her how much I liked her all the time, which were met by less enthusiastic responses.


Stupid is as stupid does. Dude. You don't go into a date and tell them that you like them a lot. Show, don't tell. Show her a good time. Have fun. Do things. Get romantic. If you are asking all the time, people become self conscious and back away. Let things happen.
 midable
Joined: 5/19/2013
Msg: 30
After two months now what?
Posted: 6/26/2013 9:55:23 AM
The main problem is, you said you made a date for Friday, but did not go... that tells me you did not have a real date. You need to make a date with an actual day and time, and a place to meet or pickup. No callbacks to verify.

Hey, no problem, there are other single women out there.
 Mr_Nonchalance
Joined: 6/21/2011
Msg: 31
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After two months now what?
Posted: 6/26/2013 3:25:34 PM
this is what you call the "modern women"who will have causal sex with you and move on to the next guy.if you did have sex with her enjoy the experience that is was, and move on to the next woman who wants to contact you every second she can.sometimes you just got to read in between the lines of a women who wants more and a sitution that just "happens" and nothing more is going to come from it.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 32
After two months now what?
Posted: 6/26/2013 4:24:57 PM

Being best friends with another woman, and especially one who is married is considered very disrespectful in my social circles. I've got lots of guy friends however when I'm dating a new guy and it's working out my guy friends naturally back off to make him feel comfortable.

That is the normal procedure for most situations... but I think the OP, being how he's Super Mr Nice Guy, him with his close female friend & her husband -- he could easily be one of those rare "Oooh, okay, yeah, she can be relatively close friends with Him...".

Now, if they're hanging out 1-on-1 all the time, talking on the phone all the time, blah blah -- yeah, then that's weird. But, sometimes a close friendship, relative to to other friendships they have, can be of the opposite sex in more rare situations. Sometimes a guy will be the type where the gal's BF (or husband) sees the Mr Nice Kid about as non-threatening as a gay friend of hers. Of course, even then, if one can read the kid's attraction on her, then it'd get weird.
 peaceful_garden
Joined: 4/10/2013
Msg: 33
After two months now what?
Posted: 6/26/2013 5:24:37 PM

I'm always the one to make plans, so my friends.......suggested I pull back and let her reach out.


His female best friend suggested he pull away? That's every woman's dream situation.......... to have another woman directing her guy on how to ignore her.
 grizzelda
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 34
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After two months now what?
Posted: 6/27/2013 11:01:35 AM

I should point out that I've been very clear about my intentions with her from the beginning. I told her I only date one person at a time. Made lots of romantic gestures


Right, and you dont think that this is said by pretty much every male trying to hit it with a chick? This means nothing, its all talk and only time tells if it is the truth....


and told her how much I liked her all the time, which were met by less enthusiastic responses.


Ummm OK, if you cant see how your behaviour was off putting, no one here can give help you...

After reading all of your postings, it is clear that you went into this whole thing with her with an awful lot of baggage and expectations from here. You clearly decided that you were going to try and control the situation and once she didnt play things the way you wanted, you speed wobbled.

The thing about "making her miss you" can only be done if there is some desire on the other person's part, and after reading your postings, I am getting that you are a very high maintenance individual and probably just being around you and your attempts to control everything would be enough to send most people running...
 goodygirl123
Joined: 6/11/2012
Msg: 35
After two months now what?
Posted: 6/28/2013 6:55:55 PM
okay listen here dude. you are just plan creepy. you have to many personal problems to be on this website and you have many fake accounts that i have traced because you have stocked a family friend and you need to knock it off. you need to get off this website.
 goodygirl123
Joined: 6/11/2012
Msg: 36
After two months now what?
Posted: 6/28/2013 6:57:05 PM
okay listen here dude. you are just plan creepy. you have to many personal problems to be on this website and you have many fake accounts that i have traced because you have stocked a family friend and you need to knock it off. you need to get off this website.
 robertr499
Joined: 7/29/2013
Msg: 37
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After two months now what?
Posted: 9/2/2013 6:19:02 PM
To anyone reading this thread:

Start games with women, and they'll teach you how to play them.

I detest games. Never really seen why people play them.
 lookinfouryoutoo
Joined: 7/31/2012
Msg: 38
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After two months now what?
Posted: 9/2/2013 8:46:28 PM
While you're sitting around thinking about the girl you met, she is out having "amazing" nights with other guys she meets on POF. That's why you see her online. You may have told her that you only date one person at a time, but she probably doesn't. Do not waste your time worrying about some girl who is probably out sleeping with a bunch of guys on here, she isn't worth it. Plenty of better single women out there.

Stop giving women flowers. That old fashioned type of gesture just doesn't fly with women these days. They will see it as lame desperation instead.


I've always believed that being friends with women shows respect for women. Since it shows the guy can appreciate a woman for more than what they look like/can get from her.


With the right woman, sure. Most women these days don't respond positively to this sort of thing. What I've found is that you have to do all you can to NOT be friends with a girl. Just check out one of the many "friendzone" threads on here.
 MS.ICENI
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 39
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After two months now what?
Posted: 9/3/2013 8:29:27 AM
I won't get into answering this post because it's too complicated and creepy. What I will do is give you some thoughts from this woman who used to be a girl so I'm coming from a female perspective with years of experience.
1. There is much bad advice in this thread. You need to try yourself, make your own mistakes, and learn from experience...just like the rest of us. However, OutMind gives good advice from the male point of view...listen and learn.
2. Sorry, but flowers are a great gesture of interest...just keep it simple, small and discreet...maybe a single bloom on the first date. It's the little thing, the small detail, that impresses. I've still got pressed flowers from previous special relationships. I've talked to many younger women and they really haven't changed that much over the years...don't let technology get in the way.
3. Forget the texting relative to dating and possibly more...it's impersonal, cold, and there is too much room for misinterpretation...CALL! You can get a better feel for any situation with tone of voice.
4. There is nothing wrong with being friends with girls/women. With female friends you can get comfortable around them and listen and learn...and you have much to learn young man.
5. There's an old adage that is true...Actions Speak Louder than Words. Don't go by what anyone says so much as how do they act? There's the truth.
 Archiver
Joined: 3/10/2013
Msg: 40
After two months now what?
Posted: 9/3/2013 12:33:14 PM
STOP TEXTING and talk to the woman! Texting is so lame and junior high.

You blew it by not confirming the Friday date. She was probably waiting for your call to firm up the plans. And you haven't called her since then? She's given up hope. If you want to salvage this, call her now, today.

Also be aware that if someone has the POF Mobile App, whenever their phone is on, it looks like they are actively using POF. You may be completely wrong that she has been on POF.

If you are into a woman, let her know by your actions. If getting together with your friends is more important, then you apparently aren't that into her. Man up, quit acting so juvenile by getting "butt hurt" if things don't go exactly as you have fantasized. Don't play games or follow rules your friends have given you. It takes optimism and a thick skin to succeed in romance, whether online or in real life. Your reasoning has checked out, you're over-thinking things.
 SuperSaiyanGoku
Joined: 3/18/2013
Msg: 41
After two months now what?
Posted: 9/3/2013 1:18:04 PM
A couple things you did wrong man. First, you let your feelings get involved way too soon. There's a way to show interest without getting your feelings involved. Secondly, do you have anything else going in your life to keep you busy? Get some hobbies and activities to keep you busy so you don't sit around and think about the women you meet and go out with. You had a life before you met her and you shouldn't just drop that life. Go out and do shit instead of sitting around thinking about her! Men these days are getting weaker and weaker.
 ICtheLite
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 42
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After two months now what?
Posted: 9/5/2013 10:18:35 AM

Before I was worried because this girl I've been seeing for two months wasn't responding to my call. Well she did finally get back to me, and we did see each other that weekend. And (without being too descriptive) we had an amazing evening.


You hadn't heard from her in two months then Bamm, a hook-up. Take it for what it was, that was your second chance. From the outside looking in, it sounds like she may have agreed to see you only to confirm she had made the right choice in not contacting you for the previous 2 months. Whatever the reason was, those feelings were reaffirmed. So now she is keeping you on the backburner with nice occasional texts... while she's still looking for Mr. Wonderful (in her eyes). For my 2 cents, I'd say if she contacts you, do not respond ... as in ever. Yes, I know, easier said than done.
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