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 AUTHOR
 lovefun99
Joined: 6/14/2010
Msg: 21
Now what?Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
How about sitting down and talk to him about this lack of intimacy that you feel? Do it when the kids are not around and explain how you feel.
Just don't accuse him to his face of being gay. BTW your conclusion that he is gay just because he doesn't ravage you every night is pedantic.
 SunForSome
Joined: 7/27/2012
Msg: 22
Now what?
Posted: 6/25/2013 10:50:07 AM
I began to feel like he didn’t find me attractive. I tried talking to him about it, but he just pouted and became defensive. Gradually, I began to feel less sexy and initiated intimacy less and less – hoping he would reach out to me. Unfortunately, he not only did not, but even the cuddling began to wane – we’re sleeping side by side now, without even sharing a goodnight kiss.


Honestly, it sounds as though you are dealing with a man who has a consevative up-bringing. A man who is gay would not even be aroused by you unless you really, really, really look like a man and his ex-wife also looks like a man too. I think you are over-reacting to a situation that normally would be pretty easy to fix with time and patience. By letting your insecurity get the best of you... you've pretty much blown things apart and now you are left working at ground zero.

To fix things...just go back to initiating things and work on rebuilding the intimate side of your relationship. Put aside your resentment by reaching out and giving him a kiss before going to bed tonight. You should at least, open that door for reconcilliation. I wouldn't wait around for him to initiate. I wouldn't be stubborn about this issue. If he is open to a good night kiss....you should apologize for being so distant lately and not your usual self and tell him that you want to work on making things better. He's probably been wondering what's wrong too. If you love him... just TAKE ACTIONS to get things back on track. I don't think that talking about your hurt feelings with this guy will work since he becomes defensive. If you need to talk to someone, perhaps choose a therapist or councilor who can help you work through some of these issues you have.

Unforutnatley... being insecure has a way of pushing people away. If he is open for reconcilliation, then just put some of these thoughts that he is gay and not attracted to you out of your head. Keep in mind that a conservative guy is going to be sexually repressed and they will do more holding back. He may have issues due to the fact that you two are not married or he may feel guilty about being with you... i.e. he might think that he should still be with his ex-wife. Regardless of the issues, you are probably going to be stuck initiating things and charting the direction of the relationship... until he feels totally comfortable with being with you.

Keep in mind that men who are willing to commit to one woman and settle down with her are usuallly more conservative. Someone who is a closet gay is MORE likely to spend his ENTIRE like avoiding being in a relationship with a woman (usually living with his mother) because the idea of being with a woman won't be that appealing. Unless Erik has financial problems of his own... I just can't understand why he would move in with you unless he enjoyed your company.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 23
Now what?
Posted: 6/25/2013 11:19:24 AM
First of all, even though you mentioned that there are a million little things that said to you that indicated that he was gay, you did not offer a single one of them. Instead, you JUDGED the guy to be gay because he does not find you sexually attractive anymore, and any real man should find you sexually attractive. I think this is more of an EGO thing with you. Like others have said, there are people that because of upbringing, current stress, age, lose their libido. It does not mean that they are gay, it means that there are many other elements that need to be considered.

I think you need to find a sexual therapist for both of you to go there. What you may find is that both approach intimacy differently, and it's leaving you frustrated. If you are not sure about the therapist, then read a couple of books on the subjects, such as the Sex-Starved Marriage (substitute the word Marriage for relationship if it makes you feel more comfortable, but it's the same thing.) Getting the Sex You want by Tammy Nelson.

I recommend that you seek help soon, because in the mean time you are feeling that distance growing that the resentment because of the financial needs, and your sexual needs not being met growing and growing. Usually the person with the higher libido ends up feeling angry and resentful because the asking for sex may be turned by the other person as a sign of neediness.

Also realize that there are no right or wrong amount of libido, but the books above indicated that when one partner feels left out, guilty for asking, and empty and unsatisfied, it's time to do something. Also realize that the most powerful sexual organ is in the end, THE BRAIN. So start a dialogue with him, but keep it in the positive. That is hard to do. Because we tend to complaint of the things that YOU do not do, instead of saying the thinks I'D LIKE.

You can start the dialogue simply by asking what are his sexual fantasies. But to ask that you need to put a caveat. That no one will judge the other, and just because the other has a crazy fantasy, does not mean that they may want to act upon it.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 24
Now what?
Posted: 6/25/2013 4:53:32 PM
I believe you, if you say that he is gay then he IS gay, we women KNOW.


That's funny shiat. Real funny. Not the ha ha kind though.

It took the OP a year to come up with this scenario to come here, in a dating forum, with a profile that says she looking to date, to ask us rocket scientists this question. Yeah, women "know" alright.

Oh. And low and behold she's off!!!!!
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 25
Now what?
Posted: 6/25/2013 6:00:35 PM
Kat9592 has quietly left the building! Glad we were able to help.
 ouija2013
Joined: 12/9/2012
Msg: 26
Now what?
Posted: 6/25/2013 6:09:02 PM
Tough group. I'm still stuck on the man who offered used pots and pans then got threats..
that IMO shall never be topped.
 pamioakley
Joined: 5/26/2013
Msg: 27
view profile
History
Now what?
Posted: 6/25/2013 6:59:57 PM
I haven't been in your particular situation, but just got out of an 11 month relationship with a man who didn't feel loved unless "he could make love at will with the woman he loved any time he wanted to" or felt lonely and rejected as a result. Believe me, that was quite a tightrope to walk and I actually liked sex until him. He actually asked me one night if it would be okay if we kissed for 60 full seconds a day... I had a a head tilt moment, and asked HIM... do you want me to kiss you because we need to do that for 60 full seconds every day, or do you want me to kiss you because I want to kiss you? Finding perspective again about intimacy is going to be a journey for me now.

Check yourself first, Kat. If you are a healthy woman without unrealistic expectations about intimacy, let him go. Otherwise, talk to a therapist. I must be a little bit sensitive about this issue right now!
 Out_of_the_Ash
Joined: 3/1/2009
Msg: 28
view profile
History
Now what?
Posted: 6/25/2013 7:21:22 PM
It could be anxiety/stress related. That is often the case with low libidos in men.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 29
view profile
History
Now what?
Posted: 6/25/2013 9:40:22 PM
OP described a man with a low libido, but gave no clues as to what these millions of reasons are that he must be gay. Since he either doesn't want sex with her or he's gay, I'd say, since she needs his money, that she gives him a different bedroom and they become platonic roommates, at least until she can find someone else to help her pay her bills.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 30
Now what?
Posted: 6/26/2013 6:33:33 AM

OP described a man with a low libido, but gave no clues as to what these millions of reasons are that he must be gay. Since he either doesn't want sex with her or he's gay,


I don't think women in general know as per instinct if a man is gay or not. Other than the act, or the guy talking about finding men attractive, or stuff like that. I had a gf that told me at one time that she wondered if her ex, with whom she had two kids, if he was gay. It didn't make any sense at all, other than she had a high libido, and he didn't. It sounds to me, than I have seen this with some attractive women, that if the men are not super respondent to their libido the immediately blame the poor smock gay.
 mjinict
Joined: 8/13/2008
Msg: 31
view profile
History
Now what?
Posted: 6/26/2013 7:10:16 AM
Also, one might compare a current partner to a previous relationship. Not fair, especially if there's a significant time span or age difference.
 safaa30
Joined: 3/1/2012
Msg: 32
view profile
History
Now what?
Posted: 6/26/2013 10:01:47 AM
She was willing to give up sex to stay with the guy, maybe HE was giving up sex to be with her since he knew she needed him. And the thanks he got for that - being called gay. Sigh...
 rockx07
Joined: 5/6/2013
Msg: 33
Now what?
Posted: 7/23/2013 7:07:25 PM
Oh girl I feel ya ! I too got involved with a man I met here on POF, we hit it off right away. I didn't move in with him .. you can read my post ( What do you think) in dating issues. I think you need open and honest communication to begin, no matter how difficult is may be. If he even somewhat agrees that he is B-sexual or gay .. ask yourself if you want to go on living with him BUT date others and rip you ass-away from romancing the idea of having a serious relationship with him. Good luck .. to me the only real answer is honest and open communication. Better NOW than later. GL
 rockx07
Joined: 5/6/2013
Msg: 34
Now what?
Posted: 7/23/2013 7:09:29 PM
WOW very impressive answers !! I think you re right-on .. kuddos
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 35
Now what?
Posted: 7/23/2013 7:25:17 PM
"I’ve been in a relationship with a great guy"

Efficiency is my forte.. first off the OP's profile is GONE, and when a forum post starts off with that, Ray Charles could see it. the only question is it delusion or denial? If it's either or both, it's beyond the scope of the forums to deal with.

From the disappearance of the OP's profile, it's obvious the feedback that was asked for wasn't appreciated. It's common, these OP's don't want advice, even if it's great, they're looking for affirmation. The pat on the head like the dog with the waggintg tail...na na...it wasn't you, so apparently he/she didn't get the pat on the head, so the profile went POOF!

I know I may be stating the obvious, but not everyone who asks for advice really WANTS any advice, no matter how helpful or even enlightening it may actually be. Naw, so many just want the pat on the head and someone to say. "he/she was a total azz..how dare they...it wasn't you". Ehh...
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 36
view profile
History
Now what?
Posted: 7/23/2013 7:56:52 PM
So what is the point of the post? He's gay and you were too broke to care?
 JeremyD4789
Joined: 10/27/2012
Msg: 37
view profile
History
Now what?
Posted: 7/23/2013 9:50:40 PM

So what is the point of the post? He's gay and you were too broke to care?

She wanted us all to say she needed to leave him, so she wouldn't feel bad about it.

Bucsgirl post explains it in more detail, and I'm fairly certain she's spot on.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 38
Now what?
Posted: 7/28/2013 7:34:24 PM
kat9592- I'm not sure at all he's gay.
Here's what MIGHT be it-(please don't get mad, I'm trying to help). You said you both agreed for him to move in, his lease was up and "it just made sense", where I suspect the train might have gone off the tracks is that he has found himself more financially responsible for you than he thought he would be.
He thought you could support yourself because you had your own place. Neither of you communicated the EXACT situation with each other very well.
Now he feels trapped and doesn't want to tell you that, so he has pulled away emotionally and physically.
This is just my best guess.
What you need to do next has already been suggested, but I'll second the advice and say you need to sit him down and have an honest talk. Tell him what you are feeling, ask him to be honest with you too.
It sounds like you both care about each other and miscommunication has caused a rift. Reach out to him and try to save this, just remember he will have to want to save it too.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 39
Now what?
Posted: 8/3/2013 12:10:19 AM
OP spelled her man's name in TWO different ways right off the bat.
If it was in fact "Erik" he is almost certainly gay. Good riddance.
If he spells it "Eric" then he is clearly a worldly, caring, and brilliant stud whom that skank doesn't deserve.
Doesn't everyone know that?
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 40
Now what?
Posted: 8/3/2013 5:48:06 AM

OP spelled her man's name in TWO different ways right off the bat.
If it was in fact "Erik" he is almost certainly gay. Good riddance.
If he spells it "Eric" then he is clearly a worldly, caring, and brilliant stud whom that skank doesn't deserve.
Doesn't everyone know that?


Lmao *taking notes*

I always suspected the mannerisms of my friend Erik, lol
 Archiver
Joined: 3/10/2013
Msg: 41
Now what?
Posted: 8/3/2013 9:23:25 PM
Duh, you can reinitiate intimacy and sex. You don't have to be stuck. If he rebuffs you then give him the heave-ho, but don't give up until you've tried.
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