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 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 26
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Managing Political Views in Couples/RelationshipsPage 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I don't want to date people who would interfere with the civil rights of others, I couldn't put up with that. There's a difference between seeing things in a different perspective and those that think they have rights that others should not have due to their own personal prejudices. So I don't handle it, I don't date them, it would be a waste of time for both of us.

I don't want to be in a relationship where we can't talk or discuss our feelings about issues, I'm not going to cower in the corner or just keep my mouth shut so that the other person can say what they want, and I sure don't want to be doing that to a partner.
 DivineBovine
Joined: 5/13/2005
Msg: 27
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Managing Political Views in Couples/Relationships
Posted: 7/31/2013 2:54:27 PM
a few years back i went out with someone a couple of times who is on the opposite side of the political fence. he said he liked to have open discussion and good debates and that his partner's politics didn't matter to him.

his idea of "open discussion and good debates" involved belittling everything i believe in and then telling me i had "no sense of humour" if i disagreed or attempted to respond.

i really should NOT have agreed to the second date!

never again will i make that mistake.
 BorderCollieMix
Joined: 7/4/2013
Msg: 28
Managing Political Views in Couples/Relationships
Posted: 7/31/2013 3:14:43 PM
The personal IS political. Every choice you make every day is a reflection of your values, and your values drive your politics. If you believe you are not advertising your politics 24/7, you are probably just kidding yourself--the reality is, not that you are able to "table" them, but most people are not skilled "readers" and/or don't care enough to pay attention.

I doubt I could have a serious relationship with anyone who had different values. But, I can see how the same values may lead to different conclusions when it comes to more practical matters. It's rare that I find anyone who can clearly articulate this connection for themself, but when I do, I have a lot of respect for that person even though we disagree about how things should happen and what works best. Our common believe in WHAT the goal is allows for mutual respect despite serious disagreement.
 Deadliest_Snatch
Joined: 10/25/2012
Msg: 29
Managing Political Views in Couples/Relationships
Posted: 7/31/2013 3:47:49 PM
"Faith, family and good wine. That's how we do it."


Mary Matalin (Republican) and James Carville (Democrat).

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/washington/2009/12/mary-matalin-james-carville-marriage.html
 hounddoug
Joined: 3/21/2013
Msg: 30
Managing Political Views in Couples/Relationships
Posted: 7/31/2013 3:48:34 PM


I know I would not get along with a man whose belief system is the opposite of mine. My beliefs drive my daily choices, outlook and volunteer efforts. I have ZERO interest in men who cannot show support for my efforts, and who strive to undermine my passions and causes.



Hiker - when I see statements like this, I worry sometimes. I realize you may be passionate about your views, but if someone doesn't agree with you, are their beliefs truly "...the opposite of mine"? If they don't support your candidate, are they truly striving "to undermine my passions and causes"?


My thoughts when I first read her comment was: it has to her way or no way. Which means she wouldn't show support for his efforts or passions and causes because they conflict with her ideals.
 LiterateHiker
Joined: 11/30/2012
Msg: 31
Managing Political Views in Couples/Relationships
Posted: 7/31/2013 4:23:01 PM

Hiker - when I see statements like this, I worry sometimes. I realize you may be passionate about your views, but if someone doesn't agree with you, are their beliefs truly "...the opposite of mine"? If they don't support your candidate, are they truly striving "to undermine my passions and causes"?

Sweet_Danimal, I strongly support women's and minority rights. When men think women are second-class citizens and should be subordinate to men, I strongly disagree.

I want nothing to do with men who ascribe to extremist, old fashioned, conservative beliefs. I consider bias against women and minorities to be the polar opposite of my beliefs.

Another example is protecting the environment. As an environmentalist, I live in a conservative town. Rednecks consider it fun hijinks to destroy fragile watersheds and meadows in the name of "muddin." I wince when I see jacked up trucks completely covered in mud in the Spring. Men who crap all over the environment upset me. Their behavior and attitudes about protecting the environment are the opposite of mine.
 deere_rancher
Joined: 4/4/2012
Msg: 32
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Managing Political Views in Couples/Relationships
Posted: 7/31/2013 4:50:14 PM

He refused to drive my car because of my Obama sticker, lol.


Nor would I have

I have tried to date people with very different political views , it just didn't work
I could not not maintain respect for a person knowing they who so easily give up their freedoms
for false promises of security
and respect is an essential part of a relationship. I never found a way to make it work
 Tsar850
Joined: 3/23/2013
Msg: 33
Managing Political Views in Couples/Relationships
Posted: 7/31/2013 5:02:09 PM

He refused to drive my car because of my Obama sticker, lol.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nor would I have

I have tried to date people with very different political views , it just didn't work
I could not not maintain respect for a person knowing they who so easily give up their freedoms
for false promises of security
and respect is an essential part of a relationship. I never found a way to make it work


deer rancher I have to agree here 100%. Life is too short to spend it with someone like that.
I look at my life as a opportunity to excel. It is way to precious to waste it. Besides relationships are hard enough when both are on the same page and have the same goals. Why engage in a relationship with someone that will be working against you?
 perre62
Joined: 12/2/2012
Msg: 34
Managing Political Views in Couples/Relationships
Posted: 7/31/2013 6:14:34 PM
Can you say...difference of opinion?
My late wife was demonstrating against the Vietnam war, while I was a participant...huh?
Politics are an itch that no one can scratch...
I may not agree with one thing that you say...
I will fight, to the death...
for your right to say it!
We spent 25 years together...
Meeh...
 justlookingvt
Joined: 5/8/2010
Msg: 35
Managing Political Views in Couples/Relationships
Posted: 7/31/2013 6:16:49 PM
Political, socioeconomic and religious views are, IMO, strong indicators of compatibility.

I can get along just fine with a "conservative" individual as long as their position is moderate, rational and malleable. There is no way I could have a successful relationship with a woman that looks up to the Glen Becks and Rush Limbaughs of the world, simply because it exposes a level of reasoning ability that I associate with a defective tuna can.

A well founded difference of opinion is entirely manageable while, putting it _very_ kindly, "extreme obtuseness" is not.
 Just_Bopping_Around
Joined: 6/28/2013
Msg: 36
Managing Political Views in Couples/Relationships
Posted: 7/31/2013 6:37:28 PM
Very well put, Just Looking VT. There's more ideas, value and beliefs in Heaven and Earth than can be split into two parts Liberal / Conservative. Some ideas depending on how you look at them are both conservative *and* liberal. Some have 3 conservative aspects and 3 liberal aspects to them. How do you deal with that?

There are very important values in the stated goals of both conservatism and liberalism. Whether you agree that they work that way in reality or whether either party actually pushes for their values. Both parties do have important values.

If people discuss in good faith their values and beliefs and come to different political conclusions, to me, that's okay. But if you don't have common values and beliefs with someone, it doesn't make for a very lasting relationship.

Personally, politics affect my job significantly. It's hard for me not to get wrapped up in it. I'm a lawyer and I represent people against insurance companies and large corporations. Who is in office, who appoints Federal Court judges and Appellate Court judges makes a *huge* difference in my life and my client's life. Who the Governor is appointing Workers Comp Commissioners makes a *huge* difference in my life and my client's life.

Last Sumer I dated a dynamite woman. Very bright, educated, attractive, dynamic and we got along great. I really enjoyed her company. But she was dogmatically, ultra-conservative. I told her my beliefs and values and she told me that I wasn't liberal, but that I was really conservative and didn't know it. Because I believed in personal responsibility and didn't believe in staying on welfare for life. We went out about 4-5 times until I asked her about Sarah Palin. She was a big fan.

Now, if she had said "I like her because she's very charismatic and can get a crowd going." "I like her because she's a rock star and the Republicans need more rock stars." "I like her because she pisses off the Democrats and anyone that pisses off the Democrats that much can't be that bad in my book." (my brother inlaw's point of view) While I wouldn't personally agree with any of those answers, I think those are all legitimate points of view. She said "You know, she really had some good ideas, if you sit down and listen to them." We didn't date anymore after that. She really is smart and fun and we're still friends, though.
 Paderic
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 37
Managing Political Views in Couples/Relationships
Posted: 7/31/2013 6:38:28 PM
I can get along with people that don't see eye to eye with me on a number of different subjects. It's when they see their view as the only view that a person can have and proceed to shove it down my throat that we come to blows.

A good debate is welcome, so long as it isn't personal.
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 38
Managing Political Views in Couples/Relationships
Posted: 7/31/2013 6:51:33 PM
I always thought that political views needed to match for a relationship to succeed. Now I don't really think so. I am as close to being a socialist as you can be without actually being one. An environmentalist who practices what she preaches. Strongly support women's rights. Have worked with anti-poverty groups, etc. Now my guy on the other hand is a conservative and about the only thing we really agree on are women's rights. So we don't talk much about politics, he rolls his eyes at some of my "antics", I tell him that some day he will move away from the dark side and then we go back to the things we have in common. Art, architecture, literature etc. It works for us.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 39
Managing Political Views in Couples/Relationships
Posted: 7/31/2013 6:57:06 PM
It is funny how some folks simply cannot resist making digs against others despite Sweet_Danimal's helpful guideline to make it about the topic rather than the actual politics that are in play.
 Just_Bopping_Around
Joined: 6/28/2013
Msg: 40
Managing Political Views in Couples/Relationships
Posted: 7/31/2013 7:23:13 PM

It is funny how some folks simply cannot resist making digs against others despite Sweet_Danimal's helpful guideline to make it about the topic rather than the actual politics that are in play.

Eric, I haven't seen people take gratuitous digs or pokes.

I've just read people saying "I'm so liberal, it would be hard to get along with a conservative." Or
'I'm so conservative, it would be hard to get along with a liberal'.

I don't see anyone really going after the other side, just stating whether they would be compatible. But maybe I just have a higher tolerance and feel that it's hard to talk about a subject without actually talking about a subject.

For example, I praised both sides for having valuable ideas and values. However, I'm a lawyer. A major part of my job is Claimant's work for people injured on the job. Workers Comp cases. In my State, cases are decided by Commissioners. There are 6 appointed for rotating 6 year terms. Tradition was 2 Commissioners from the Claimant's Bar, 2 from the Defense Bar and 2 from the Industrial Safety Commission (essentially neutral). After 2 years of Republican Governor's we have 5 Commissioner's from the Defense Bar and 1 from the Industrial Safety Commission.

It has had a *major* effect on the rulings and decisions for my clients lives and subsequently, but less importantly my ability to earn a living. So in that specific area, I see how it affects some one's lives and feel very strongly about it. It affects the lives of the people I work very hard for. It really screws them over to make the State 'business friendly'. So I feel strongly about that.

However, the world is full of situations. I live in the South. I'm not a gun person. A lot of people are. That can strongly influence them. There are a lot of well intentioned programs to help people out of poverty. Someone can work in a grocery store or a pharmacy and see the waste and abuse going on with those programs. Even if percentage wise, it's a relatively small percentage, if they see abuse of the program on a regular basis, that's going to turn them against the program and they'll have strong feelings about it.

I just feel it's hard to say "Well, I feel strongly about what I believe and wouldn't abide anyone that didn't have the same opinion, because what I think is a strongly held opinion and important to me." Well, at that point, let's just take a poll, because there's really only so many ways you can say that. Yes, No, Maybe, I don't know.

So, I don't take it as people as poking. I haven't seen anyone really going after the other side. Just offering their opinion about their compatibility with a different political view. I think that's hard to give your opinion in a completely generic sterile environment.

Of course that's just my opinion and I might be hard to get along with or live with. :)
 PittsburghVixen
Joined: 12/9/2012
Msg: 41
Managing Political Views in Couples/Relationships
Posted: 7/31/2013 7:32:06 PM
I have friends and acquaintances at all points of the political spectrum. My only beef with someone would be if they refused to "agree to disagree".

That said, I wouldn't choose a life partner who was a diehard socialist, because I'm a diehard capitalist. The relationship would not work.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 42
Managing Political Views in Couples/Relationships
Posted: 7/31/2013 8:00:55 PM

It is funny how some folks simply cannot resist making digs against others despite Sweet_Danimal's helpful guideline to make it about the topic rather than the actual politics that are in play.


I'm actually kind of surprised to see how well people have kept their political 'noses' clean thus far. But it is a VERY passionate topic for some people.

I once looked up a potential date in Facebook. If I recall, her job was not in a political office - but she was a passionate volunteer. I found out she had one album with pics of her family - maybe 12 photos - and about 157 images of politically slanted cartoons and memes downloaded from the internet in another album. She also had a few dozen mobile phone pics - most of which was her campaigning during the last Presidential election. I realize not all photo albums are shared equally in Facebook, but the sheer volume of political mumbo-jumbo compared to anything 'normal' (family, party and vacation pics) that you tend to see in a Facebook page really turned me off.

I think some people just don't realize what they are sharing in those social networks sometimes, and may just be a bit embarrassed if they realized just how many people get the message intended for only a few. I have a couple FB 'Friends' from the high school reunion I had to restrict their news feed posts as well, because the volume of political stuff they dumped out into the internet every day was just staggering.
 Archiver
Joined: 3/10/2013
Msg: 43
Managing Political Views in Couples/Relationships
Posted: 7/31/2013 8:48:12 PM
Opposing political polarity would be a deal breaker for me; not so much the party espoused, but the core values and intentions, and incivility. During the last presidential election I had to unfriend on Facebook an old high school friend because of the foul cartoons and such he was posting. I didn't want to get into a flame war, so I opted out completely. I still can't comprehend how he has changed and become so warped. There is no way I could have a relationship with someone who carried on like him.
 you_needme
Joined: 6/30/2013
Msg: 44
Managing Political Views in Couples/Relationships
Posted: 7/31/2013 9:02:36 PM

How have you handled your partner when they step up on that soap box?

I've stopped trying to handle my partner.
I try really hard to pay attention, listen, think, and maintain equanimity.

My experience has been that it's never a problem as long as one partner is not using the other as an extension of their ego, that both respect each other as individual's in a relationship as opposed to being in a relationship and wanting it to define the (other) individual.

Otherwise the only time I've ever had problems with politics in a relationship were when they were being extremely condescending or trying to proselytize.
Then they were doing it for 1 of 2 reasons.
1. They wanted to dominate and control, see themselves as better than me, feel better/secure at my expense.
2. Communication in the relationship sucked so they wanted to fight, because that emotional feedback was easy, familiar, clear cut, and understood.

Which meant the relationship didn't last long enough for me to consider them my "partner."


Do you outright refuse to get along with someone who leans differently?

It just depends on how far they lean, how proactive they are about it, how much it defines their life, and how much it affects me.
There's a tolerance level that is specific to me which probably wouldn't mean anything to you.
 lookinfouryoutoo
Joined: 7/31/2012
Msg: 45
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Managing Political Views in Couples/Relationships
Posted: 7/31/2013 10:37:12 PM
My political views are very important to me, as I feel they should be for everyone. I don't expect a woman to agree with me on all issues, but overall, we had best see things in a similar way. I feel the same way about religion to some extent, but with a bit more leniency.
 LeeleePhoenix
Joined: 12/13/2012
Msg: 46
Managing Political Views in Couples/Relationships
Posted: 7/31/2013 11:26:55 PM
I'm very strong with my beliefs and can't hide them for long. I require someone who will at least speak about politics intelligently and not spew labeling nonsense (fine example above, that was Page 1, nevermind). I'm tolerant as can be with debating, but if someone is very different politically, we're also unlikely to see eye-to-eye philosophically. It's affected my relationships, especially with how college kids tend to be, but that's how it is.
 Aura1shine
Joined: 3/2/2011
Msg: 47
Managing Political Views in Couples/Relationships
Posted: 8/1/2013 2:08:03 AM
Nice topic for discussion! I grew up in a family that welcome a debate with many different view points in several issues ranging from politic, traditions and religious, but at the end it is always a personal choice among us. During election time, the temperature will rise and occasional flared up but cool off rapidly when someone stepped in as a moderator while a debate going on to keep a civility in discussion. After election, then we became a family again even we do not agree with each others before and during election.

It should be a personal choice for one to make as long as having a mutual respect agree to disagree for any relationship. Whenever, one unable to tolerate another then it is a time for parting to each own way.
 Deadliest_Snatch
Joined: 10/25/2012
Msg: 48
Managing Political Views in Couples/Relationships
Posted: 8/1/2013 9:22:46 AM
I'm not sure my SO has to have the SAME ideology, but there ARE two dealbreakers for me: 1) Women's rights to dominion over their own bodies and 2) homophobia or other types of bigotry.

Other differences may be negotiable.
 Proteaus
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 49
Managing Political Views in Couples/Relationships
Posted: 8/1/2013 11:13:35 AM
Should've learned your future spouses views on politics before getting married to ascertain if any large incompatibilities existed .
 I_travel_light
Joined: 7/27/2013
Msg: 50
Managing Political Views in Couples/Relationships
Posted: 8/1/2013 11:18:45 AM
For me, I am respectful. i avoid the extremitists on either side, they tend to scare me. However, I have found that if I take the time to listen to what someone has to say, I will likely learn something. I may disagree, but isn't that what makes life interesting? If my SO had the identical beliefs, I would be bored. I think kinddess and respect from both sides goes along way. Often times people feel the need to be RIGHT, and convince you of this rightness. It is far better to find common ground and not differences.
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