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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Love someone, great sex, but no physical attraction??      Home login  
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 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 6
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Love someone, great sex, but no physical attraction??Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
This is a bit complicated.

First, I do agree that there are more than one way to be attracted to others' visually.

I myself coined the term "munchability factor" to refer to what you talk about, where though the person does not fit your usual physical parameters, and/or perhaps their style of dress and comportment does not match your tastes... but nevertheless, you are turned on to no end. Another way to put it, might be that there is pure physical chemistry between you, but no visual chemistry.

Anyway. where this might be complicated for you, is in your back story. You mention that you are "a little gun-shy." That often happens when a previous relationship goes really bad, and it often interferes with one's being able to ever again fall in love in the simple, innocent, free way one did before. I suspect that this might be the real core of your challenge. You will have to ponder the possibility yourself, and work through the details of your inner thoughts to determine whether it is you holding you back or not.

Another concern, is that this has been a very long, safe, fun rebound relationship for you. That you just don't have a genuine care for her at all, and never will, but because sex with her feels so good, and she isn't attacking you psychologically, you hang around in what is essentially a 'safe zone' with her where you don't have to risk your emotions as you did before, but you still get the sexual rewards of a real relationship.


The problem with that situation is what you are facing here: since what you really want IS a real relationship with someone, and you know deep down that this isn't it, you have this itching concern, which you express as a sort of 'mystery sexual perception illness.'

Either way, it's entirely your responsibility, and only your ability, to figure out what is really going on in your head and heart. We can point out possibilities, but there is no set of symptoms that can permit a certain diagnosis from without.
 ladymercury
Joined: 5/25/2011
Msg: 7
Love someone, great sex, but no physical attraction??
Posted: 8/3/2013 5:00:10 AM
I'm not so sure if physical attraction is lacking by what you've posted, but it does sound like shared time together is entertaining and fantastical. You're experiencing something physical, but that experience is not common with your understanding of things. It may have nothing to do with the level of engagement you share, but just the circumstance of being together. So, less about planning and stability. Not inferential. Experimental with no real formula, or nothing understood based on your previous notion of commitment. Could be interesting but maybe not significant in the long term.
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 8
Love someone, great sex, but no physical attraction??
Posted: 8/3/2013 6:28:38 AM
It is very possible! The best relationship I had was with a co-worker in my industry. For 8 years, we loved, laughed, shared our related work woes, we had alot of fun. We got along wonderfully..we totally "got each other"...I had so much respect for his talent and ability to understand other people..I could use him for advice/as a sounding board because he was so good at zeroing in on the issue.

But..I did not feel physically attracted to him.

So this really leads to something really interesting..that there very much is "mental chemistry" and in some ways it is more bonding and powerful than "munchability" and a good lesson in that you really can look beyond what you think is "missing" and enjoy far far more about a person.

I've also been with those who I thought were pretty hot (my ex husband!) and those relationships lasted no longer than the one with the fellow I had a great mental connection with. The physical attraction did not "save" the relationship or help bond us stronger. In fact, when you start to have serious issues with someone, they suddenly don't seem as hot anymore.

I really value that shared laughter, the "observing the world from the bleachers together" thing, and just having a guy who LOVES me. Really loves me, supports me, totally digs me. It's the greatest.
 jan1025
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 9
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Love someone, great sex, but no physical attraction??
Posted: 8/3/2013 7:41:40 AM
I’m confused now, the difference between “hot” and “beautiful”. Is hot always a sex driven desire and “beautiful” a sitting across the table admiring the woman while she sips her tea a totally different emotion, and according to you (OP) you have divided these adjectives.

When I read your post OP I thought he has a desire for a hot woman, but still wants the lady at the table to come home too…. But, I wonder if the beautiful lady at the table could ever truly provide you with the desire of the whore mentality for the rest of your life?

I guess, it all comes to the many different levels of love that a human being can feel, and knowing that as the years go by the lady at the table will still be at the table and the whore mentality will still remain in the sheets. Also in the years to come the beautiful lady and the whore mentality will end up like everybody else in a long term relationship, after awhile everybody ends up at the table, everybody has to eat.

I had a friend who manufactured his own woman. He provided the means for new teeth, bigger boobs, plastic surgery; he paid for her reconstruction. The thing is for him he finally found what he wanted in a woman because he manufactured her, and for her, she found a man financially capable of providing everything she wanted. The last I heard they are still together.

The moral of this story is be careful what you THINK you want, rather than KNOWING what you truly want, and not to mess with others by using them until you can figure out what you both truly NEED for long term happiness.

Why don't you just talk to her?

Take Care,
Jan
 jessebunnies
Joined: 2/18/2013
Msg: 10
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Love someone, great sex, but no physical attraction??
Posted: 8/3/2013 8:10:30 AM
I’m confused now, the difference between “hot” and “beautiful”. Is hot always a sex driven desire and “beautiful” a sitting across the table admiring the woman while she sips her tea a totally different emotion, and according to you (OP) you have divided these adjectives.


I've always taken the "hot" term to mean- Sexually desirable. Someone you'd sleep with but probably not someone you'd ever marry or have a relationship with other than physical

"Beautiful"- when a man finds you both mentally and sexually desirable. The package! Someone he could see a future with, marry and or have a relationship with.


The moral of this story is be careful what you THINK you want, rather than KNOWING what you truly want, and not to mess with others by using them until you can figure out what you both truly NEED for long term happiness.


I absolutely 100% agree +1000^^^^

Given Op's statements it appears he has physical attraction but possibly not more. That's something you need to determine OP. If it's just the physical it's unfair to keep her in a relationship that isn't going to go anywhere except the FWB blackhole.

edit: Igor I totally agree. Fear seems to blind so many situations sadly! I do think some self investigation is necessary on OP's part to determine exactly what it is he is wanting or feeling.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 11
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Love someone, great sex, but no physical attraction??
Posted: 8/3/2013 8:16:19 AM
Well, yes, but it may be that he does actually have more than just a physical attraction, but because his prior failed relationship caused him so much pain, he is preventing himself from being aware of his real care and desire for this person. He really does need to ponder what is happening inside himself in greater detail, to figure out how much is what he thinks it is, how much is what he wants to think he ought to feel, and how much is hidden from him by his own fear.
 lostnfoundluv
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 12
Love someone, great sex, but no physical attraction??
Posted: 8/3/2013 8:38:51 AM
next time just keep the lights on so you can see her for who she is rather have a dream girl in your mind
 ck-mecha
Joined: 11/25/2012
Msg: 13
Love someone, great sex, but no physical attraction??
Posted: 8/3/2013 11:21:07 AM
So ive read everyone's viewpoints and suggestions and there are some really helpful comments. Shame on the few of you who belittle someone because their sense of love is different than yours. Yes, I think true love doesnt have to last a lifetime and can be experienced more than with one person. Just because your sense of true love doesn't match up to mine doesnt mean either of us are wrong. In a time when we are opening our eyes wider and wider to more than the traditional relationship I would think the world would be a little less narrow minded.

Well, back to the original topic. I really do have an emotional connection to this woman. I have a great time whenever im around her and I miss her when shes gone. Ive opened up to her about things I dont even talk to my family about. I could romantically see myself with her for a long time. Im held back by the thought that since I dont find her physically attractive once the sexual passion fades Im left with only our emotional connection to bond the relationship. Yes, I know there are people who will say that should be enough, but it not always is. Fights happen. Emotions wane and wax. Im not nieve enough to think I can create the perfect relationship. I just hoped to get some confirmation that I could have a long healthy relationship with someone im not physically attracted to.
 ck-mecha
Joined: 11/25/2012
Msg: 14
Love someone, great sex, but no physical attraction??
Posted: 8/3/2013 11:26:52 AM
And to another point. As a society we dont find it at all out of the ordinary if a couple have an emotional connection but not sexual, a sexual but not emotional, or even a physical but not sexual attraction. Yet the thought of someone being attracted sexually but not physically to another boggles your mind? Maybe its a generational gap because it seems like a logical situation to me; just one Id rather not be in.
 thewhowhobrokethepot
Joined: 12/16/2011
Msg: 15
Love someone, great sex, but no physical attraction??
Posted: 8/3/2013 11:41:23 AM
Honestly, how one can have sex without being physically attracted to the person in question beats me. But back to your problem...
You listed the following: you love her, have a great emotional connection to her, have a great time when you are around her, miss her when she is not around, have great desire for her when you see her ("she's so hot .. rip of the dress.")....
It seems to me that you might be physically attracted and blocking acknowledging it. Maybe a psychologist could help sort out this?

I can think only of one scenario that fits your little paradigm: she is not beautiful enough for you to be proud of being seen with her, moreover if your ex was a 10 by your standards.
If so, there are cosmetic surgeons everywhere if she cares to be perfect for you.

But I would take BelleTresor's advice and cut her lose, from your description she is too good to deserve being discussed in a forum...

PS: "Shame on the few of you who belittle someone because their sense of love is different than yours."........... I feel shame...:)))
 kj521
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 16
Love someone, great sex, but no physical attraction??
Posted: 8/3/2013 12:21:42 PM
Op:

Perhaps, it would help if you told us what you find unattractive about her...
 jessebunnies
Joined: 2/18/2013
Msg: 17
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Love someone, great sex, but no physical attraction??
Posted: 8/3/2013 12:56:25 PM

Well, back to the original topic. I really do have an emotional connection to this woman. I have a great time whenever im around her and I miss her when shes gone. Ive opened up to her about things I dont even talk to my family about.


What you have is a friendship. I have emotional connection to my friends but I am NOT physically attracted to them. Don't confuse friendship and romance. Their different.


sexual passion fades


I guess I'm wondering what sexual passion? Do you close your eyes the entire time and visualize your mating a porn star in order to create passion? The only real reason I can fathom how and why your able to have sex with someone your not physically attracted to is that your in some sense using her to live out your primal sexual needs.


I just hoped to get some confirmation that I could have a long healthy relationship with someone im not physically attracted to.

You can have a long lasting friendship with someone your emotionally connected to but that's about it unless you want a sexless frustrating marriage for both of you? Then go for it! In my opinion you need at least a little of both in order to make a romantic relationship. That being said if you keep comparing xyz then your going to have a hard time finding anyone.

I don't think anyone's saying that there aren't different kinds of relationships because their are. But what seems to be the case is that this woman has no idea that you feel this way that really she's just your "friend" and that she will never measure up to your ex and be a perfect 10. If you truely care about her you'll let her go find someone who thinks she's a 10 not a 1.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 18
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Love someone, great sex, but no physical attraction??
Posted: 8/3/2013 6:12:12 PM

I just hoped to get some confirmation that I could have a long healthy relationship with someone im not physically attracted to.


I think I've figured out what the real problem is here:

You are asking the wrong question.

The answer to the question you asked, is "yes, of course it's possible."

The thing is, that doesn't matter. Because what you REALLY need to ask is:

"How can I determine what kind of person I am, whether the physical appearance of my mate is a deal breaker?"

It doesn't matter what is possible for people in general. The only thing that matters, is what is possible for YOU.

And I'm sorry to say, but my general rule in such situations follows the old adage:

"If you feel that it's important enough that you have to ask in the first place, then the answer is assuredly NO."
 RERE1026
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 19
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Love someone, great sex, but no physical attraction??
Posted: 8/4/2013 5:25:58 PM
Thank you Igor......you have said it best....
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 20
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Love someone, great sex, but no physical attraction??
Posted: 8/5/2013 9:26:47 AM

I dont have the feeling that I can say things like "look how beautiful she looks in that dress" but i can certainly say "she looks so hot im going to rip that dress off her".


This sounds like the typical "butter face"...Everything looks good but her face.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 21
Love someone, great sex, but no physical attraction??
Posted: 8/9/2013 9:09:37 AM
I can't have sex (let alone "great" sex) with someone I have no physical attraction to. Therefore I can't identify at all with this OP.

I have had attraction to someone and wanted to sleep with them but had no chemistry or common ground with them so that I knew there wasn't much that was going to happen long term - but to me physical attraction and sex go hand in hand.
 Bachelorette.Number1
Joined: 4/18/2013
Msg: 22
Love someone, great sex, but no physical attraction??
Posted: 8/10/2013 8:54:53 AM
I didn't read most of the other posts. Mainly because your statements confuse the hell out me. So the answers or opinions the others were posting didn't alleviate any confusion.

I think this might be a topic for the guys to try to answer for you.
As a woman, this makes me think "what the hell are you looking for anyway?"
Confused men = not good (from a woman's perspective).

If I were your mom, I'd say, then this girl isn't the one for you. Your heart, for some reason, isn't in it yet.
Go find some more women to date and figure yourself out. Mature some more, see what else the world has to offer.
Probably kick yourself later on, but sometimes that's how we figure out what we want.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 23
Love someone, great sex, but no physical attraction??
Posted: 9/23/2013 3:43:51 PM

I think sexual and physical attraction often are used interchangeably when they shouldn't.

Physical attraction is one of the flavors of sexual attraction. If it's low, the others need to be real high.

I find her over the top sexually attractive, but dont have this sense of physical admiration that ive had in other relationships.

You have physical attraction. If you're thinking of ripping that dress off an porking her, that's a physical desire -- and most definitely sexual, I might add.

It's a type of physical attraction you lack -- how she looks in the dress. You want everything there, even when the other factors totally make up for it... you're still feeling a void.

Same can be said for a guy who is absolutely IN LOVE with a woman's face. OMG, her eyes and smile will draw you in to a super high level of sexual attraction. But man, she needs to lose 15lbs. You still have physical attraction. Her facial structure, eyes, hair, smile, facial expressions, swagger, etc -- that may turn you on are part of physical attraction.
 JoeBnD
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 24
Love someone, great sex, but no physical attraction??
Posted: 9/23/2013 10:28:34 PM
For me, no physical attraction = no sexual attraction. In fact, I can't even imagine it any other way; kind of like eating Durian (described as tasting like spoiled onions and feet) because .......................... why the hell would I eat something that tastes like spoiled onions and feet?
 LoneScottishBoy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 25
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Love someone, great sex, but no physical attraction??
Posted: 9/24/2013 8:26:25 AM

Im a little gun shy, so Im havent commited to loving her. I have stronger feelings for her than anyone else ive been with, even my ex wife so I know theres something there. Just dont really know what it is or where it will lead.


Thats the source of your problem right there. The question/problem you are having is a result of the conflict between you wanting something good ( you seem to know she's good for you) and not wanting to go through the potential emotional pain of another breakup.

You have to resolve this before you can answer the other question for yourself.

Gunshy?
Probably a lot more than you realize or are willing to admit to yourself.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 26
Love someone, great sex, but no physical attraction??
Posted: 9/24/2013 1:46:05 PM
There are a lot of times when people have great sex with someone they're not physically attracted to. It's called getting drunk. Haven't you heard the saying, that girls get a lot prettier near closing time and last call?
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 27
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Love someone, great sex, but no physical attraction??
Posted: 9/24/2013 4:35:23 PM
^^^^^
The difference between a dog and a fox is about 5 drinks.

Ever heard of hogging? It's finding the desperate fat chick at closing time.

Think mopeds...Fun to ride, but you wouldn't want your buddies to see you riding it.

Thank you. You've been a great audience. You're welcome.
 ladymercury
Joined: 5/25/2011
Msg: 28
Love someone, great sex, but no physical attraction??
Posted: 9/24/2013 7:09:38 PM
Maybe you're not ready for the relationship potential that speaks to an idea of love. It could be that you're reasoning with the lack of physical attraction ... asking yourself why it isn't so, why those feelings aren't there. You are desiring her but something is calling to your sense of judgement concerning aesthetic beauty in general. It's not that it's her in particular, but it's something.

Now, put the shoe on the other foot. You decide to go all out and make a real go of it with this woman. Does the sexual attraction then change because you've started to admire her in a different light? If you commit will the desire be lessened?

So long as you are both open with each other I can't see it being a total waste of energy. Sounds like something that just needs time.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 29
Love someone, great sex, but no physical attraction??
Posted: 9/25/2013 9:26:59 AM

There are a lot of times when people have great sex with someone they're not physically attracted to. It's called getting drunk. Haven't you heard the saying, that girls get a lot prettier near closing time and last call?

There WAS physical attraction -- with the help of beer goggles. :) There's always going to be some physical attraction.

The attraction to the vagina, when drunk or not so drunk, may override any unattraction or lack of attraction in other fields (legs, gut, etc).

The dumb concept of the OP is that you can want to rip the girl's clothes off to boink her and not have physical attraction. That's just lacking enough physical attraction to be happy to be With them for the long run.

If you're hetero, and it's another dude, then there is no physical attraction.
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 30
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Love someone, great sex, but no physical attraction??
Posted: 10/10/2013 12:27:20 PM
My last long term relationship (8 years) was with a man who was not handsome, was over weight, balding red stringy hair, had a lisp, white skin with freckles and walked like an old man.

I only noticed after 2 years of not being with him.

So yes, love can be blind.

You might find, now that you are a little older, that looks don't matter as much. If you are comparing her, quit it.

If she's a good gal and you are capable of getting past "looks", give her a chance, she may grow on you.

If you are looking but not touching, that's OK just keep it to yourself.

If you want to touch and you know you will if the opportunity presents itself, you might want to find out if she would be hurt by that before you commit.

If you know she'll be hurt, find a different lover and let her find her type.
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