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 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 87
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.Page 4 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
The trust issue is about whether I can trust her judgement.

ugh, who are you to question her judgment??
she likes that other guy ---> your question is invalid.

as has been pointed out before, your trust issue is nothing but selfish interest so it can hardly be given any credibility beyond basic, garden-variety "cognitive bias", i.e., your beliefs distorted by wishful thinking (or maybe it's wishful thinking distorting your beliefs).

you said yourself that she has a growing emotional attachment to a man she knew *before* you. pretty simple. everything else you said after that is you twisting in the wind about something you can't have and don't know how to get. FFS, butt out!


This troublesome attitude is perhaps one more reason you have been put on the back burner

i'll say.

this entire thread summed up in 6 words or less ---> she's just not that into you.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 6/25/2013
Msg: 88
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 8/10/2013 7:19:22 AM

(jlynn1955) I don't see how it means she can not be trusted. she was, after all, honest with you and she didn't have to be.


I dunno why so many people are so gosh-darned in awe of unqualified honesty, as if being honest with shitty news is the exact same thing as being honest with good news... :eyeroll:


I think it a fight between her heart and her brain.


Wrong. It's her trying to figure out how she can have both her "heart-throb", and Opie.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 6/25/2013
Msg: 89
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 8/10/2013 7:26:38 AM

(WIP) Keywords in this paragraph: "that I knew"

What if you didn't know?


If it burned when I pee, and/or what I thought was a freckle on my (massive) Johnson started moving, I'd figure it out pretty quickly...
 Deadliest_Snatch
Joined: 10/25/2012
Msg: 90
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 8/10/2013 7:49:58 AM
She is amazing and we are both busy so we have met each other thru our first year.
So, you encountered each other during the course of your post-graduate work and became friendly.


She said when her schedule freed up after summer work we could spend time together.

?? ??
Sounds like more "friend" time.

Our interactions have always been electric and warm, and we had high hopes of proceeding together through school and beyond.

Sez you.

Well, you have proof she has discretionary time available ... she just chose to spend it with someone else.
She is telling you all about it, because you're her best girlfriend.
Any potential for romance was in YOUR head.
Motown nailed it.
 juliettes7
Joined: 11/4/2012
Msg: 92
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 8/10/2013 11:02:19 AM
All I got was you're mad she has the power, because you care more than she does and tiitle implies as an older dater you feel less lustrous and options having--so you resent her for playing into your devalued feelings with her lukewarm attitude, which, for all we know might have been a polite professional(keep the peace) brush off, so you could save face.
You probably showed interest in a way that was "genteel" and she liked your discussions, but maybe her actions say--"no, thanks".
Your ego sees this as a blow, hence the thread of should you take crumbs cuz you're older, she has options you resent and you likely understand she could jerk you around indefinitely (if even into dating you)with not just this guy, but anybody else in the future.

If you only date younger women who can date peers, and you don't have the money to back up the exchange of youth/beauty for financial security ..you will be waiting for younger women who are satisfied with your professional commonalities. Maybe that's possible.
As for this situation, you have no option but to note her behavior, not ego sparing words--if she offers to go out with you, and shows up..then maybe it's possible.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 93
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 8/10/2013 12:40:31 PM

I dunno why so many people are so gosh-darned in awe of unqualified honesty, as if being honest with shitty news is the exact same thing as being honest with good news... :eyeroll:

Because when we have information we are able to better deal with what's going on. Sometimes the information isn't something what we want to hear - too bad; this is life. Any honestly that concerns my well being I'd call qualified honesty. I'd rather get that than lies, crappy or not. I'm more interested in being informed than kept in the dark, generally - how I feel about it isn't relevant to it being important to have the information.

If it burned when I pee, and/or what I thought was a freckle on my (massive) Johnson started moving, I'd figure it out pretty quickly...

And if these things didn't happen - or as in the original point I made, you had no information to work with?
 lilsapp13
Joined: 12/13/2008
Msg: 94
view profile
History
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 8/10/2013 3:26:40 PM
I'm seeing some different viewpoints here and that's always interesting. I have to say some of the men on here sound like straight suckers. "Well if she comes back to you then YOU get to be #1!!". GTFOHWTBS. Look man, the facts are she has at least two guys interested in her. Was she honest? Yes, good for her. Somebody give her a cookie. What does her honesty have to do with YOU getting the stiff arm? Don't ever play back up to anyone. She just made the choice for both of you. Yeah she might "like" you but clearly she doesn't like you ENOUGH. Don't get mad. Get somebody better. Trust me, that wasn't the last vagina off the assembly line.
 DudeistPriest
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 95
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 8/14/2013 9:01:13 PM
^^Don't knock it. Nothing like the slick look of a '95 Vagina sportster, or the feel of sliding in and taking her for a ride. Open her up at top end and hearing that sweet Kitty purr........
But once you roll off the lot, the value drops.
 DudleyDuRite
Joined: 8/31/2012
Msg: 96
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 8/14/2013 10:52:18 PM
No way in Hell that I would knowingly allow myself to be someone's fall back option.
 barnabyjames1
Joined: 1/11/2013
Msg: 97
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 8/14/2013 11:38:47 PM
^^^Very true, but many women seem to do this and see nothing wrong w/it, yet if a man did it to them ,they're all butthurt.

These are the meal stackers, scammers, and women who claim they want the: "nice/good/solid/real" men, and usually dump on these men to go get w/Captain Douchebag.
 mrcs84
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 98
view profile
History
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 8/15/2013 3:32:03 AM

Very true, but many women seem to do this and see nothing wrong w/it, yet if a man did it to them ,they're all butthurt.

I never really understood the hamster logic where being honest is somehow redeeming when you're putting the person down. I don't care how it's sugar coated, she is telling this dude that he's being put on the backburner because she has a better option that she would rather pursue.



So you're a grown man looking for a relationship with a "vagina off the assembly line?"

As long as it's legal, what do you care?
 MsMaggieMay
Joined: 2/2/2013
Msg: 99
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 8/15/2013 10:30:27 PM
Unless you are a 14 year old virgin then you're sloppy seconds.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 6/25/2013
Msg: 100
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 8/17/2013 12:24:14 PM
(WIP) Because when we have information we are able to better deal with what's going on. Sometimes the information isn't something what we want to hear - too bad; this is life.


Most people aren't as pragmatic as you and I, though.


Any honestly that concerns my well being I'd call qualified honesty. I'd rather get that than lies, crappy or not.


Ayuh. Well, honesty also takes in to consideration, how the recipient is going to receive the "honest" news. Mrcs84 says it very nicely:


(mrcs84) I never really understood the hamster logic where being honest is somehow redeeming when you're putting the person down. I don't care how it's sugar coated, she is telling this dude that he's being put on the backburner because she has a better option that she would rather pursue.


The content of the "honesty" makes a major difference in the quality of the honesty. If you think that means I'm all for "yes" men, then have at it...



(AT) If it burned when I pee, and/or what I thought was a freckle on my (massive) Johnson started moving, I'd figure it out pretty quickly...


(WIP) And if these things didn't happen - or as in the original point I made, you had no information to work with?


It was a freakin' joke. Can you not let the occasional one go?
 Hands of gold
Joined: 11/12/2008
Msg: 101
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History
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 8/18/2013 6:26:35 PM
It sounds like this girl is special. I wouldn't let her go without a bit of a fight. Let her know exactly how you feel. If she is still lukewarm, I guess you have to let her make a decision.

You said that you weren't interested in anyone for the last 8 years, so it is not like you have a lot of prospects, although Dr. in front of your name will flip a few switches with some. I would back off if needed, but wouldn't bow out. Don't be pathetic about it, just let her know how you feel and then go on with your life. It might be enough to swing her back.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 102
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 8/19/2013 5:08:20 AM

It was a freakin' joke. Can you not let the occasional one go?

Sorry, it really didn't appear to be one - no way I would I have known that. *Shrug*
 onehappyfellow
Joined: 9/21/2008
Msg: 103
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History
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 8/19/2013 7:02:12 AM
For you young folks that think 40 is older consider a few words for someone who really is older i.e. 85

YOLO - as some say. You Only Live Once. At times it may be wise to live for the moment and forget grand ethereal schemes that may never come to be

Of course I would like on committed - 'til death do us part relationship and jump at the opportunity.

But until and unless that happens I must live for the moment and the day.

Balance the odds and remember YOLO
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 6/25/2013
Msg: 104
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 8/19/2013 5:10:22 PM


(AT) It was a freakin' joke. Can you not let the occasional one go?


(WIP) Sorry, it really didn't appear to be one - no way I would I have known that. *Shrug*


Well, I can see how you were confused, as I never joke about the size of my Johnson...
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 105
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 8/20/2013 2:01:09 PM
Op, while she sounds real nice and evidently, honest to boot...I wouldnt wait around for her. I would not burn any bridges because you just never know what the future holds and all...so wish her well and let her know you will also be persuing emotional attachments with other ladies and not waiting around for her.

If there was any spark of romantic attraction, she would not have eyes for anyone else, and she would make time to see you. Im sure she likes you as a human being, I just fail to see why you think she is romantcally interested is all. It sounds like you two have had a real nice friendship and thats as far as it will go on her end of things to me.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 106
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 8/20/2013 2:48:12 PM
Op you talk about supposedly respecting this woman but you don't trust her judgment ( because she chose to explore with someone other than you). Can I respectfully question how you can claim respect for a person while unilaterally being dismissive of their choices perceptions and interest? Isn't that maybe part of the woman you claim to be so wowed by? Part of intelligence you claim to be so bowled over by IS. Intelligence to know what appeals draws us and inspires us. If you throw out her perception taste and choice as untrustworthy and unqualified you are claiming to know her better than she does and claiming superiority in something your posts show you clearly don't understand.

Maybe the age difference makes you feel wiser or more superior... But intelligence is ageless and anyone who claims to know us and what is "good for us" I would run for the hills from as an incredibly arrogant patronizing dismissive well donkeys hind quarters. I say this with respect but as something you might want to consider the next time you want to chase a woman you consider brilliant who dares think and choose for herself as untrustworthy because her choices and yours don't align. With respect but as well meant food for thought. especially if you want a chance to make things work with this specific woman in future...Best of luck
 or_current_resident
Joined: 6/3/2013
Msg: 107
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 8/20/2013 4:46:02 PM

Who knows, maybe the end of this story will be Dr. Me and Dr. She, married.

Stranger things have happened.



Right op, and like many other who think they can put a square peg in a round hole! ^^^^^^

imo, you would be a good candidate in being a good forum resident in your search for rational thought.

cheers dude & good luck .
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 108
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 4/8/2014 10:54:12 AM

I know many relationships begin with couples not liking each other initially, or one was dating another partner. In this case, I am the fallback. Does dignity require I reject my rejection on principle, and forfeit happiness since she can never be trusted? Or does a mature man forget about it and work it out with a woman.


This woman dated you first? Did you have sex? Did she then decided to pursue another person?

Perhaps you think too rationally. I would follow my own instincts and simply move on and date other people. If she came back, then it would be a matter of how I felt at the time. The problem of being the "alternative" instead of the "priority" is that those people keep treating you that way even afterwards. I've known women that tried to develop feelings for a guy and convince themselves that they loved them, and did not, so in the end those relationships fell apart.
 KingofSnuggles
Joined: 5/17/2011
Msg: 110
view profile
History
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 4/8/2014 3:32:42 PM
I've experienced something like this within the last 12-18 months, my thought process is "why would be make yourself available (to me or at all) if you really aren't"? Its disrespectful and doesn't take me and the time we've spent together into consideration at all. The woman from my experience is exactly like you described yours - awesome person that anyone would be damn lucky to end up with.

If after the failed attempt at following her instinct, she contacted me; I'm not sure how I would react. I know I wouldn't feel special that she chose to re-connect with me after what transpired but the other side of knowing what kind of person I thought she was and the chemistry I know we had would be tugging at me too.


Tough call my good man, only thing I can really say is don't wait around to see. If another good opportunity presents itself, then go for it because you'd kick yourself if you declined because you were waiting/hoping the 1st woman's instincts were incorrect and they weren't......then you lose twice! :(
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 111
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 4/8/2014 9:09:51 PM
Welcome to the friendzone! Please keep your hands and arms inside the car at all times!


Dude. You say you've known her and have been interested in her for.....eight YEARS?

And now she is telling you, the buddy, the pal, the therapist, the platonic nice guy....that she is interested in someone else?

This is so not happenin' there ain't nothing left to say.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 112
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 4/8/2014 9:13:02 PM
At least she's honest, right?

I would personally walk away. Period.

I have a motto I live by in regards to dating, and a woman can use it too...

I will never prove I'm better then the person(s) you've met before me and I will never compete for your attention.

A willingness to commit and provide beats an exhilarating experience or thrill any day of the week. If you've communicated that willingness already, move on...
 atebungles
Joined: 12/27/2013
Msg: 113
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 4/9/2014 12:22:49 AM
Sorry to say it but it looks like you are out of the picture.

'In the last few weeks, she told me she has started to feel emotionally attached with a man she knew before me, and she feels she should follow her instinct. She says it might not work out, and she's not married and she would like to know me. She also said she 'never said never' with me'.

Don't buy the old "Get to know me friends story"!!! She means NEVER EVER!!!!

The only thing is she was honest!!!! She could have dragged it on longer or worse cheated on you....
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