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 MsMaggieMay
Joined: 2/2/2013
Msg: 99
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.Page 5 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Unless you are a 14 year old virgin then you're sloppy seconds.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 6/25/2013
Msg: 100
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 8/17/2013 12:24:14 PM
(WIP) Because when we have information we are able to better deal with what's going on. Sometimes the information isn't something what we want to hear - too bad; this is life.


Most people aren't as pragmatic as you and I, though.


Any honestly that concerns my well being I'd call qualified honesty. I'd rather get that than lies, crappy or not.


Ayuh. Well, honesty also takes in to consideration, how the recipient is going to receive the "honest" news. Mrcs84 says it very nicely:


(mrcs84) I never really understood the hamster logic where being honest is somehow redeeming when you're putting the person down. I don't care how it's sugar coated, she is telling this dude that he's being put on the backburner because she has a better option that she would rather pursue.


The content of the "honesty" makes a major difference in the quality of the honesty. If you think that means I'm all for "yes" men, then have at it...



(AT) If it burned when I pee, and/or what I thought was a freckle on my (massive) Johnson started moving, I'd figure it out pretty quickly...


(WIP) And if these things didn't happen - or as in the original point I made, you had no information to work with?


It was a freakin' joke. Can you not let the occasional one go?
 Hands of gold
Joined: 11/12/2008
Msg: 101
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History
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 8/18/2013 6:26:35 PM
It sounds like this girl is special. I wouldn't let her go without a bit of a fight. Let her know exactly how you feel. If she is still lukewarm, I guess you have to let her make a decision.

You said that you weren't interested in anyone for the last 8 years, so it is not like you have a lot of prospects, although Dr. in front of your name will flip a few switches with some. I would back off if needed, but wouldn't bow out. Don't be pathetic about it, just let her know how you feel and then go on with your life. It might be enough to swing her back.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 102
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 8/19/2013 5:08:20 AM

It was a freakin' joke. Can you not let the occasional one go?

Sorry, it really didn't appear to be one - no way I would I have known that. *Shrug*
 onehappyfellow
Joined: 9/21/2008
Msg: 103
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Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 8/19/2013 7:02:12 AM
For you young folks that think 40 is older consider a few words for someone who really is older i.e. 85

YOLO - as some say. You Only Live Once. At times it may be wise to live for the moment and forget grand ethereal schemes that may never come to be

Of course I would like on committed - 'til death do us part relationship and jump at the opportunity.

But until and unless that happens I must live for the moment and the day.

Balance the odds and remember YOLO
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 6/25/2013
Msg: 104
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 8/19/2013 5:10:22 PM


(AT) It was a freakin' joke. Can you not let the occasional one go?


(WIP) Sorry, it really didn't appear to be one - no way I would I have known that. *Shrug*


Well, I can see how you were confused, as I never joke about the size of my Johnson...
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 105
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 8/20/2013 2:01:09 PM
Op, while she sounds real nice and evidently, honest to boot...I wouldnt wait around for her. I would not burn any bridges because you just never know what the future holds and all...so wish her well and let her know you will also be persuing emotional attachments with other ladies and not waiting around for her.

If there was any spark of romantic attraction, she would not have eyes for anyone else, and she would make time to see you. Im sure she likes you as a human being, I just fail to see why you think she is romantcally interested is all. It sounds like you two have had a real nice friendship and thats as far as it will go on her end of things to me.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 106
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 8/20/2013 2:48:12 PM
Op you talk about supposedly respecting this woman but you don't trust her judgment ( because she chose to explore with someone other than you). Can I respectfully question how you can claim respect for a person while unilaterally being dismissive of their choices perceptions and interest? Isn't that maybe part of the woman you claim to be so wowed by? Part of intelligence you claim to be so bowled over by IS. Intelligence to know what appeals draws us and inspires us. If you throw out her perception taste and choice as untrustworthy and unqualified you are claiming to know her better than she does and claiming superiority in something your posts show you clearly don't understand.

Maybe the age difference makes you feel wiser or more superior... But intelligence is ageless and anyone who claims to know us and what is "good for us" I would run for the hills from as an incredibly arrogant patronizing dismissive well donkeys hind quarters. I say this with respect but as something you might want to consider the next time you want to chase a woman you consider brilliant who dares think and choose for herself as untrustworthy because her choices and yours don't align. With respect but as well meant food for thought. especially if you want a chance to make things work with this specific woman in future...Best of luck
 or_current_resident
Joined: 6/3/2013
Msg: 107
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 8/20/2013 4:46:02 PM

Who knows, maybe the end of this story will be Dr. Me and Dr. She, married.

Stranger things have happened.



Right op, and like many other who think they can put a square peg in a round hole! ^^^^^^

imo, you would be a good candidate in being a good forum resident in your search for rational thought.

cheers dude & good luck .
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 108
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 4/8/2014 10:54:12 AM

I know many relationships begin with couples not liking each other initially, or one was dating another partner. In this case, I am the fallback. Does dignity require I reject my rejection on principle, and forfeit happiness since she can never be trusted? Or does a mature man forget about it and work it out with a woman.


This woman dated you first? Did you have sex? Did she then decided to pursue another person?

Perhaps you think too rationally. I would follow my own instincts and simply move on and date other people. If she came back, then it would be a matter of how I felt at the time. The problem of being the "alternative" instead of the "priority" is that those people keep treating you that way even afterwards. I've known women that tried to develop feelings for a guy and convince themselves that they loved them, and did not, so in the end those relationships fell apart.
 KingofSnuggles
Joined: 5/17/2011
Msg: 110
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History
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 4/8/2014 3:32:42 PM
I've experienced something like this within the last 12-18 months, my thought process is "why would be make yourself available (to me or at all) if you really aren't"? Its disrespectful and doesn't take me and the time we've spent together into consideration at all. The woman from my experience is exactly like you described yours - awesome person that anyone would be damn lucky to end up with.

If after the failed attempt at following her instinct, she contacted me; I'm not sure how I would react. I know I wouldn't feel special that she chose to re-connect with me after what transpired but the other side of knowing what kind of person I thought she was and the chemistry I know we had would be tugging at me too.


Tough call my good man, only thing I can really say is don't wait around to see. If another good opportunity presents itself, then go for it because you'd kick yourself if you declined because you were waiting/hoping the 1st woman's instincts were incorrect and they weren't......then you lose twice! :(
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 111
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 4/8/2014 9:09:51 PM
Welcome to the friendzone! Please keep your hands and arms inside the car at all times!


Dude. You say you've known her and have been interested in her for.....eight YEARS?

And now she is telling you, the buddy, the pal, the therapist, the platonic nice guy....that she is interested in someone else?

This is so not happenin' there ain't nothing left to say.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 112
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 4/8/2014 9:13:02 PM
At least she's honest, right?

I would personally walk away. Period.

I have a motto I live by in regards to dating, and a woman can use it too...

I will never prove I'm better then the person(s) you've met before me and I will never compete for your attention.

A willingness to commit and provide beats an exhilarating experience or thrill any day of the week. If you've communicated that willingness already, move on...
 atebungles
Joined: 12/27/2013
Msg: 113
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 4/9/2014 12:22:49 AM
Sorry to say it but it looks like you are out of the picture.

'In the last few weeks, she told me she has started to feel emotionally attached with a man she knew before me, and she feels she should follow her instinct. She says it might not work out, and she's not married and she would like to know me. She also said she 'never said never' with me'.

Don't buy the old "Get to know me friends story"!!! She means NEVER EVER!!!!

The only thing is she was honest!!!! She could have dragged it on longer or worse cheated on you....
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 114
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Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 4/9/2014 12:53:47 AM
Oh, for shame! She's missed out on the booby prize!

Another misogynist? "nice guy" bites the dust.

I think (and hope) she's rockin' his world and he hers.

(a mature man would forget about her and get some counseling).
 Peppermint_Petunias
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 115
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Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 4/9/2014 1:11:31 AM
I see Op still has a profile up.


I don't know many women who have not let a guy down "easy" by telling him there was ANOTHER guy in the picture.
They are hoping that will end ( romantic hope) things with no mess and the man will move on and counting on that pride of his.
 LinuxD
Joined: 12/6/2008
Msg: 116
view profile
History
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 4/9/2014 3:53:06 AM
Don't even waste time telling her to get lost,just walk away,if she wants you she will come looking for you,if not,so be it.
 lovefun99
Joined: 6/14/2010
Msg: 117
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 4/9/2014 9:30:57 AM

I see Op still has a profile up


Well his post is 8 months old, I guess it did not work out for him....
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 118
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 4/9/2014 11:16:40 AM
As a grad student, you hopefully learned to make simple things...simple. The question you need to answer here is, "what are you looking for?"

If you want the achievement of attracting a good catch (a brilliant younger woman who can have who she wants, but she wants you), then yes, you will be accepting sloppy seconds, and its time to look for another catch.

If you want to be wanted, then being someone's fallback isn't going to work.

If you want to have a good time with someone who you like a lot, you might as well wait to see what happens IF you have nothing else as an option. Just like renting out an apartment in a good end of town you had your eye on--if it finally comes up on the market, do you consider it to be "Sloppy seconds"? or do you only imagine the good times you'll have there, with everything its location offers you as potential?
 MS.ICENI
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 119
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 4/9/2014 1:17:11 PM
You might consider yourself the "fallback." But another way of looking at it, you could be the one who eventually wins. Even at this late date, you could still be the grand prize. I know this post was last year, but you're still on here so it's safe to assume you are still available.
You consider her "amazing" and your interactions have always been electric and warm and there was the possibility. She then was attracted to someone else, she was honest with you, and sort of gave you the feeling of future hope. Shes never lied to you, which means she can be trusted. She didn't lead you on, she was upfront and that says much for her character. I hope you let her go and wished her well and that you left with good feelings and respect. Apparently you went on with your life, did your life's work, and maybe dated others...at least socialized with others, both male and female.
If this is meant to be, then it will happen in it's own good time. You need to eliminate the word "fallback," from your vocabulary...this also includes the term "sloppy seconds." It's disrespectful and rude. If you still think of her, think of her with great respect for who she is. And who knows, if you let the door open for her, she just might enter...again, if it's meant to be. That's all anyone can hope for in this life, and I wish you well. You seem like a wonderful man, and somewhere out there, whether her or someone else, is just waiting for you enter her life.
Take care.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 120
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 4/9/2014 1:43:50 PM
TheUrbanMan- At least she was honest.
Where she had some nerve was informing you that you are a maybe IF this other man doesn't work out?!
Nope! Move on.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 122
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 4/10/2014 8:38:53 AM
1)yes, you can escape the friendzone--I've done it. But, it of course was the choice of the person who wanted to be just friends, not some secret trick I pulled. you can't get people to think anything but what they want to think.

2)I remember posting something in the past about nice guys finishing last, after certain types of women had sown their wild oats--this would be a great example--and people pooh-poohing the concept. again, it all depends on what the OP is really looking from this relationship--a situation, a conquest, or a human being.

3)I too am not sure why its bad that someone's being honest. Using the OP would be more disrespectful. I'd rather know what's going on in a potential partner's head, so I can make intelligent plans, than to be mislead.
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 123
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 4/10/2014 10:25:28 AM
Men and their precious little ego.....they get all bent out of shape if they are not the one and only stud in the eyes of the woman that they want, yet if a woman wants the same she is considered clingy and desperate. I was crazy about this guy and he knew it, but he wanted to keep his options open. So I went and dated others and he about exploded and had a melt down and cut me out of his life - WTF? Men, I swear. I bet if the OP was on the other end of the equation he would go on about how this woman was clingy and getting ahead of herself.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 124
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 4/10/2014 10:56:27 AM
Again - unless we are all still dating the first person we met in our lives - everyone will be sloppy seconds (and thirds, etc), generally. There's no way to avoid it except not to date anyone - or never to leave the first one you ever date. *shrug*
 TigerMan54
Joined: 2/23/2014
Msg: 125
Sloppy Seconds: Acceptable or no? For older daters.
Posted: 4/11/2014 6:30:51 AM
Let her go, no fuss. If she comes crawling back in the future (and you still want her) move quickly and decisively in the relationship. And BTW, if her academic field is Women's Studies, Sociology, or any modern social science, forget about her right now.
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