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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > How can I start to trust women again?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 76
How can I start to trust women again?Page 4 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
purplerider1200- In a way, yes.
Reread the op's initial post.
He admits that he PICKS women who are immature.
Most of us here are guilty of making a bad choice (myself included).
What matters is what you learn from the experience.
If the OP is continually finding himself with immature women, he hasn't stopped to take the time to ask himself why.
He thinks he has the ability to change these women, to somehow make them mature/not cheat.
That is flawed thinking.
You can NOT change someone else.
I swear,I am going to get that tattooed on my forehead.
Taking on someone that you KNOW isn't right for you is asking for trouble/heart break.
The op is going to have to ask himself some hard questions, it's a process I had to go through so I didn't repeat history.
Here's another of my favorite expressions: Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.
EVERY ONE makes mistakes, but when someone KEEPS making the SAME mistakes over and over, well, the definition of insanity is doing just that and expecting a different result!
 clemtuckerofcourse
Joined: 5/7/2015
Msg: 77
How can I start to trust women again?
Posted: 5/12/2015 9:13:10 AM
Thank you kj521. There is a lot of wisdom in these hills.
 Joegl209
Joined: 10/13/2014
Msg: 78
How can I start to trust women again?
Posted: 5/12/2015 12:14:34 PM
Well, I know this post is old but I'm writing this for those with the same question. I been in a few relationships and only one of them I was the reason it failed, the rest I did my best to be the best man i could provided the circumstances dealt. You just have to be mature and assume every new woman you meet is not the same as the previous one. You have to give them the benefit of the doubt and you may encounter women who act the same as your exes, but you have to wait to make judgement until they actually do something shady. If you accuse every new girlfriend of being a lying and cheater partner they might leave you or actually cheat on you to put you in your place.
Just be trusting enough but not foolishly so and actually wait until something happens before you accuse them of cheating. When you accuse a woman of cheating, it damages the relationship in many areas eg communication, bonding and in the bedroom. It's hurtful and not something you should be doing on the regular. Also make sure you do not make idiots your girlfriend, like if you know she is a druggie or a drunk and or a party girl, find someone who is better than that.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 79
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How can I start to trust women again?
Posted: 5/12/2015 12:37:15 PM
Yes, each person has the right to be judged on their own merit, but that doesn't mean you give everyone the time and trouble. Some people you know right off they are wrong for you, some you find out soon after you meet them and then it is up to you to move on or stay, and mostly you have to be meeting the kind of people you want to be with, as in you don't go to the bar to find someone who doesn't drink, or you don't go to church to find someone who doesn't have religious beliefs. It's up to you to go where women you want to meet will be, and no one owns you to be what you want them to be. So you find some women you can't trust, that's life, move on, don't get stuck in thinking it's some thing that you shouldn't have to go through.

Actually no one cheats on you to put you in your place, those people would be people who cheat. A person who wouldn't put up with your lack of trust because of women you chose in your past would know to move on, or they would be people looking for drama. No one stick around unless they are getting something from whatever is going wrong. A stable, sane person is going to be looking for the same, so the clue is to check out why you end up with these women who are wrong for you, and adjust how you keep ending up there.

People almost always show you right away who they are, listen, and know when to go.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 80
How can I start to trust women again?
Posted: 5/12/2015 1:32:03 PM

And the issue of course is that most of them aren't terribly sure what they REALLY want out of life.


In the OP's case, it sounds as though he's glomming onto either girls or women with a girl's mentality. If they're "girls" he's getting involved with, that's understandable - most girls don't know what they want out of life and act out accordingly. If it's "women" he's talking about who have had revolving door-type relationships and their self-worth is tied up in always being able to attract the next conquest, he's likely just the next in the string of them.

If he's attracting women who have just come out of relationships, they're likely still trying to find out what it is they want and filling that empty void until they figure themselves out again.

I'd suggest people like the OP attempt to find someone who isn't a young or older party animal, and who has been out of a relationship at least long enough to simmer down and have a clear direction insofar as wanting a long-term relationship instead of him catching them in the crazy period after breakups.

If he figures he's having to treat women like he's a father figure to them, it sounds like he's picking girls and not women and there's likely too big of an age gap. Most of it sounds like it's who he's targeting and the onus is on him to make better choices from the outset instead of attempting to make a square peg fit into his version of a round hole.
 MissScawlett
Joined: 3/26/2015
Msg: 81
How can I start to trust women again?
Posted: 5/12/2015 2:17:09 PM
"Most women can't be trusted. Trust is built on logic -- if I treat this person nice, they will like me and trust me; if they say I can trust them, they are surely telling the truth. Most women have no concept of logic. "

WOW. So you're trying to tell us that women have no concept of logical thinking? I don't know about the rest of the female posters, but just because someone is nice to me I don't automatically like and/or trust that person. In most cases, if they're nice -- or too nice -- it makes me very suspicious causing me to distrust that person and doubt their sincerity altogether.
 Joegl209
Joined: 10/13/2014
Msg: 82
How can I start to trust women again?
Posted: 5/12/2015 3:24:21 PM
@ whoa, Viki59, it's almost like you have dated a couple of female cheaters yourself or are you are basing what you say off of your previous cheating behavior? Men and women cheat for different reasons, what were yours?

I disagree, some people are complete idiots, no sugar coating it and they ruin their friendships and romantic relationships with their actions. Making excuses for why they act like is irrelevant in my opinion!
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 83
How can I start to trust women again?
Posted: 5/12/2015 9:33:59 PM
Joegl209- People give different reasons for cheating, but at it's heart, cheating is about selfishness and Immaturity.
Men,or women, who cheat, KNOW they are going to hurt the other person, they KNOW it's wrong, but they do it anyway.
Trusting again after a cheater means knowing that you won't tolerate it, one time, over and done.
The freedom that comes with knowing your boundaries, what you will and will not tolerate, is how you move on from a cheater.
You may encounter yet another cheater, but they will only do it to you once (if you learn)and you just have to keep moving forward until you meet some one that doesn't cheat.
 GattoMonstrosis
Joined: 4/4/2013
Msg: 84
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How can I start to trust women again?
Posted: 5/13/2015 3:08:29 AM

Men and women cheat for different reasons, what were yours?


Men and women cheat for exactly the same reasons, they want to and they think they won't get caught, they only rationalise it with different excuses.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 85
How can I start to trust women again?
Posted: 5/13/2015 3:23:18 PM
gattomonstrosis- That was what I was trying to say, you just did a better job of it, spot on! :)
 fetish4u
Joined: 4/18/2007
Msg: 86
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How can I start to trust women again?
Posted: 5/16/2015 4:55:16 AM
Women can't be trusted.I was in a relationship once but will never again be in one.I was faithful and she cheated behind my back.
 kj521
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 87
How can I start to trust women again?
Posted: 5/16/2015 5:36:22 AM
^^^^^I can relate. I was once bitten by a snake and now I HATE them.....all of them!. I avoid those nasty vile creatures like the plague!

And can you believe my freakin' therapist wants me to do some "counter conditioning" or some such nonsense so I can stop jumping on the furniture on my lanai and screaming my bloody head off every time one of those nasty creatures decides to pay me a visit? I told that crazy woman...."No way! Mine is a healthy fear....besides my neighbors find it amusing."

Maybe I should try your method and find a forum about snakes and tell those snake lover wackos just how evil snakes are and of course they must be too... since they love them!



*off to go find some snake lovers to piss off and vent to just because it will make me feel good . ;)
 Whatsamatterbaby
Joined: 5/6/2015
Msg: 88
How can I start to trust women again?
Posted: 5/16/2015 9:30:27 AM
Kj: You just be careful, or your therapist is going to dump you :/ (It happened to me.)


Women can't be trusted.I was in a relationship once but will never again be in one.I was faithful and she cheated behind my back.


Well then, that proves it ;)
 63T
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 89
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How can I start to trust women again?
Posted: 5/16/2015 9:50:30 AM
I hope that the fellow posters will not mind that I copy/pasted one of my posts from another thread as I think that it applies equally in this thread. Hope you find it at least somewhat helpful.

Copied from thread
http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts16227806.aspx
message #23

It is important to recognize what trust is and what it is not.
Trust is not hoping or wishing that your partner won't betray you through infidelity or maintaining a dating site profile.
Trust is integral to intuition. Trust is learning to reconnect and rely on your inner voice, gut instinct.

You don't learn to trust your partner. You learn to trust your intuition.
People are human and, as humans, people can and will let you down, disappoint. You never really know if they are truthful or not unless you possess an intuitive sense; an unconscious inner perception composed of irrational and rational, sensory thinking and feeling.

The intuitive process begins with an intense sensory perception, evoking imagery, ideas and methods of problem solving and decision making. Your own intuitive sense is your personal inner truth as perceived by you. It is encompassing and based on an unconscious accumulation of life experience.

If you wish to feel safe in a relationship, you must rely on your intuition, trust your inner voice. Your intuition will always be faithful and will never lie to you. Learn to listen to your inner voice.

The problem is that fear can block or interfere with intuition and prevent you from trusting.
Fear can be compelling to act inappropriately such as "spying" or "stalking".
The trick is knowing, learning the difference between fear and intuition.
Intuition is always real and authentic. Fear feels real but, it can and is often illusion based (fantasy, phobia).

By reconnecting with your intuitive sense, by having confidence in your inner voice, by trusting, relying on your "gut instinct", you will be able to overcome the past betrayal and present fear, anxiety. You will be able to trust again. This is a slow process and cannot be rushed or hastened.

Allow yourself enough time and surround yourself with emotionally positive experiences, not emotionally avoidant experiences such as drunkenness or sexual impulsivity or unreasonable demands as an effort to pacify, eradicate fear.

Remember, "Trust is an inside job".
 yourstillhere
Joined: 7/30/2008
Msg: 90
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How can I start to trust women again?
Posted: 5/16/2015 11:02:09 AM
The OP is from a few yrs ago but it is a good example of the importance of calibrating yourself to your environment/situations/events/social dynamics, seeing things for what they are, deciding how it will apply to your own core values then dealing with it appropriately.
If you are attracted to the type of people who dont know what they want out of life yet and they sleep around, instead of seeing the negative of it (infidelity, cheating, trust issues) see the opportunity you have there (free and easy nsa sex) and live that life.
Because thats what it is.
If you want to find one person and get engaged/married then you simply have to work a little harder at finding someone whose core values are in line with your own. Keep in mind though that they wont be like what you describe as the "immature-dont-know-what-they-want-out-of-life" type, these will be people who are operating on a different level altogether and it might just be that you are only attracted to the former because they are easier to get together with.


On top of that, spending a lot of alone time with other guys (which it seems most people don't really care about, but I think it's highly inappropriate).


It is only inappropriate to you, not to her. And that is because of your core values noted here~


Now I'm at that point that I really just want a girl that I don't have to baby and that, above all, won't cheat on me.


So you`ll need to look for women whose core values are in alignment with your own.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 91
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How can I start to trust women again?
Posted: 5/16/2015 6:24:28 PM
Men are not naturally monogamous, most of them and I guess some women too. However a woman usually cheats when she is not happy in the relationship for whatever reason whereas men cheat because they can and, have the opportunity. Not all, of course. So the reasons do vary between the sexes.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 92
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How can I start to trust women again?
Posted: 5/16/2015 6:56:16 PM
That isn't true, a lot of women cheat, and a lot of them cheat just like a lot of men because they can and they want to. This idea that women are only cheating if they are sad is a pile of BS. Who in the world do you think all these men are cheating with, a couple of lonely housewives?
How can I start to trust women again?
Posted: 5/16/2015 8:02:19 PM
And why is the crackpot idea that men are not naturally monogamous still being perpetuated?
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 94
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How can I start to trust women again?
Posted: 5/16/2015 8:21:14 PM
OP, just trust them when they all say: "I already have a boyfriend". If they are over 12 years old, they all already do......... Yes, it's true..........
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 95
How can I start to trust women again?
Posted: 5/16/2015 10:01:28 PM
the answer to this post was provided in the original question. for those who don't want to click back to see it, the OP admits,

"its just that I have really bad taste in women".

he almost always picks incredibly immature women that (he) sort of takes under his wing. most of his time, he's spend half of it being their daddy.

Outmind (who's photos used to look a bit like IG's new one, apparently they were both handsome buggers) was right, this post should have been titled "how do I learn to look for better choices?" which the OP admitted, he needed help with.

shop at the dating equivalent of WalMart, don't be shocked by the quality of what you pick up.
 Siennarh
Joined: 5/1/2015
Msg: 96
How can I start to trust women again?
Posted: 5/17/2015 6:21:27 AM
Make a leap of faith!!
;)
 tgif333
Joined: 4/16/2015
Msg: 97
How can I start to trust women again?
Posted: 5/17/2015 6:34:05 AM
a leap of faith, yes but..........

just don't fall over the cliff!
 BillyBuckshot14
Joined: 10/30/2014
Msg: 98
How can I start to trust women again?
Posted: 5/17/2015 8:25:47 AM
"That isn't true, a lot of women cheat, and a lot of them cheat just like a lot of men because they can and they want to. This idea that women are only cheating if they are sad is a pile of BS."

Indeed. There are several resent studies that confirm this exact thesis. When it comes to cheating, there is virtually no difference between the genders to why they do it. It's just that we call one side dogs and try to make up excuses for the other (such as emotional abandonment).
 VolkanoKing
Joined: 8/1/2014
Msg: 99
How can I start to trust women again?
Posted: 5/17/2015 8:52:15 AM
Going back to the original question, when I read thru it, the OP says that HE makes the choice to pick immature women that he can act as a father figure to, but that also are cheating on him. He KNOWS they are cheating. It's not like some huge revelation that tears their relationship apart. He seems to know what is going on all the time, and the patterns that occur.

Generally when people repeat patterns, there is a level of safety and security in there...somewhere. There is a reason he returns to similar situations.

Maybe the fact that there cannot totally be intimacy and trust appeals to the OP on some level.
 danceaddicted
Joined: 10/26/2014
Msg: 100
How can I start to trust women again?
Posted: 5/17/2015 1:16:50 PM
I need help, how do you send msg?
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