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 AUTHOR
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 18
Avoiding exPage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I dunno, OP-seems to me that getting tough, "woman up" if you will, and facing the fact that you and he are over, might be a better tactic than dodging activities and events where you might encounter him.
And Look, she has every right to date. She can put whatever she chooses as her dating goal.
People who date those who have broken up with someone, who have been divorced or lost their SO to death, you have to accept that complete healing may not have been achieved. And there is no way that we can assign a "standard" chronological timeline to a healing/break-up recovery process.
OP, do not let people browbeat you out of part of the healing process which IS getting back out there. I personally think you should say "f*ckall" and go to this event, FACE UP TO the end pof your relationship with this man.But I will let you be the judge of whether you really can or not. That is just my thought.
Cindy O
 lookinfouryoutoo
Joined: 7/31/2012
Msg: 19
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History
Avoiding ex
Posted: 8/11/2013 5:22:09 PM
I avoid my most recent ex and I know that she avoids me. It is a good system. Maybe you're ready to move on, maybe you aren't. I wouldn't let anyone on the internet make that decision for you.

There is nothing wrong with avoiding an undesirable situation. I have absolutely no desire to see my ex, and I'm sure you've got no desire to see yours. May as well stay away.
 NewYorkFan1
Joined: 6/30/2013
Msg: 20
Avoiding ex
Posted: 8/11/2013 5:25:22 PM
Since you know that he is going to be at a certain venue and that you might be uncomfortable seeing him, especially if he is with someone else, stay away. Why put yourself in a situation that is going to hurt you and make you feel uncomfortable.
Every one of us have different feelings and coping mechanisms. What might be easy for one person to be able to handle does not mean that everyone should be able to handle the same situation in the same way..

As for being on this site and looking to date, you are doing the right thing. If going out and meeting other people makes you happy and feel better, that is what you should be doing then. Better getting out there and dating than sitting in front of the tv with a gallon of Hagen Daz watching the Lifetime channel...
 BLONDE_ANGEL845
Joined: 8/4/2013
Msg: 21
Avoiding ex
Posted: 8/11/2013 5:26:19 PM
I think you have the right idea OP, why rub salt into a raw open wound?

And what if either one of you is with someone else/new?

How can you ENJOY yourself with that person there?

There is a man in my town that I avoid even though we never dated. I had to tell him off last year after he pulled some c r a p & he never apologized. Do I want to sit there w/ a friend or my man, under the same roof?

H E L L no!
 NtvNtv
Joined: 5/15/2013
Msg: 22
Avoiding ex
Posted: 8/11/2013 5:45:03 PM
I am happier and doing well, so I would be fine if I saw the ex. Guy probably thought I would drop dead without him...or beg for his return. Happy to say I am still alive!

You mentioned you are not ready...perfectly normal. In time....
Take care


Phoenix

: (

Sheesh what a guy.
 NtvNtv
Joined: 5/15/2013
Msg: 23
Avoiding ex
Posted: 8/11/2013 6:23:07 PM
m_church

I made that comment because the ex-partner thinks I couldn't make it without him.
I wasn't implying men hate their ex's.....hate is such a strong word : (
 BabblingBrookes
Joined: 2/14/2013
Msg: 24
Avoiding ex
Posted: 8/11/2013 7:15:01 PM

Just out of curiousity, would any of you avoid going to certain places/events to avoid your ex?


Nah, not anymore. I'd be lying if I said I'd Never done that before. I stopped going to my favorite coffee shop when I was 22 because my ex was a barista there. Now, I'm considerably older and more attached to my havens. I'm emotionally healthier now than I was when I was 22. So would I avoid places now? No, it wouldn't even cross my mind. If he's uncomfortable, he can leave. I'm peachy.
 TuMuchFun
Joined: 9/29/2008
Msg: 25
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History
Avoiding ex
Posted: 8/11/2013 8:19:26 PM
Get yourself a smoking hot date and go, even if it costs you a few bucks.
 coderedjulia1
Joined: 6/1/2013
Msg: 26
Avoiding ex
Posted: 8/11/2013 8:30:59 PM
a guy asked me but his band is playing and i dont want to follow him around the venue
 Cheating_at_solitaire
Joined: 7/30/2013
Msg: 27
Avoiding ex
Posted: 8/11/2013 8:59:30 PM
Why should one have to change their routine or places that they frequent because of an ex. Although it may be awkward, but if they or you can't get over the fact that their mere presence is upsetting, then that is your self induced problem and not their's or vice versa.
 coderedjulia1
Joined: 6/1/2013
Msg: 28
Avoiding ex
Posted: 8/11/2013 10:09:15 PM
Plays guitar, but honestly he is going to be busy with his friends..etc. I would like to see him play but I would like a more private date so we can get to know each other. The ex, we broke up on bad terms so thats why I want to avoid. I'm sure everything would be fine, if we just ignored each other but there is the possibility of his and my date's friends approaching, awkward introductions..that sort of thing. Unfortunately even in a big city of Houston, everyone still knows each other.
 marilynh47
Joined: 7/18/2013
Msg: 29
Avoiding ex
Posted: 8/11/2013 11:14:32 PM
Never been married. But ex-boyfriends? No. I don't avoid places/events due to exes. I know I look good and thus, so what.
You must still have feelings so it's best to avoid the situation but then, it's your lost of an opportunity to go out and have fun. If he's with someone else, he probably don't really care and is into her.
I don't want any of my exes back and thankful they are out of my life. One was a real jerk and thus, I would love to prance around and show him what he missed out on
Life is too short. Move on and attend the function if you so desire.
 coderedjulia1
Joined: 6/1/2013
Msg: 30
Avoiding ex
Posted: 8/11/2013 11:49:30 PM
I don't know how big the crowd will be. I wish it was that easy, but I think I already made up my mind with this one. I am not ok with seeing him, and I can probably avoid drama, but I know I will be bothered by it, which would probably ruin my date. He is a man i met off here, and been talking to for a while.
 import_from_UK
Joined: 3/20/2013
Msg: 31
Avoiding ex
Posted: 8/12/2013 5:19:16 AM
This isn't a situation I've ever had to deal with as I live in a different country to any of my exes.

I think, if this is a fresh break up and if your emotions are still a little raw, then it might be better to avoid the situation. No one needs to be facing that before they are ready. If you think, seeing him face-to-face might be emotional, or upsetting or even simply awkward for those around you, who know you both, then perhaps it's wise to make alternative plans on this occasion. I'm sure you'd feel horrible if the focus was on you/him and people were tip-toeing around you both.

Since it seems you are in a position where you know bumping into him at this event, is possible, why place yourself in any situation unless you are 100% sure an interaction will be a non-event. There's no reason to throw salt on an open wound and doing so to create the illusion of being 'over it' when you aren't, is a recipe for disaster.
 Just_Bopping_Around
Joined: 6/28/2013
Msg: 32
Avoiding ex
Posted: 8/12/2013 5:39:41 AM

Just out of curiousity, would any of you avoid going to certain places/events to avoid your ex? Wouldn't that be the smart thing to do if you are not over the person, and you couldn't stand the chance of seeing them or even see them with the opposite sex? Just curious as to what you people think.

It depends on the situation, how we broke up, how deep and how fresh the wounds are.

If emotions were still raw, I would not go to a small wedding, where I knew there would be a small group of people and there would be no easy way to avoid interacting with him or being near him for hours on end. I think that would be plain torture.

On the other hand, if we were both at a restaurant and he was seated on the other side of the room with a date, the most you would have to do is turn your chair so you don't see them. I wouldn't avoid a favorite restaurant because that contact would be incidental.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 33
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History
Avoiding ex
Posted: 8/12/2013 6:43:43 AM
When my Ex still lived in the same state as me I absolutely would go out of my way to avoid him. I picked very public places to exchange the kids and never wanted him near my home. Too much drama, you never knew what was going to set him off. He was very unstable.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 34
Avoiding ex
Posted: 8/12/2013 10:07:38 AM
I tend to be the one who ends relationships, or they end mutually...but I'm a fan of going where I want to go no matter what. I can tune an ex out in a place I want to go without much of a problem. If he's uncomfortable - he's free to go elsewhere. When I quit smoking I didn't avoid cigarette smokers, I went to places people were smoking so I'd be desensitized to it quicker. Same goes with exes - I think my reaction to seeing someone I've been avoiding would be stronger than if I saw them enough that they became part of the background.

If he was planning to harass me when I bumped into him, and I wasn't able to handle it on my own (which was rare) I always had friends/staff/doormen, etc around who were prepared for it and intervened on my behalf.

However, I tend to date guys in my profession, and so by default have had to be in the same place with them for work, etc after breaking it off - so I just don't sweat that type thing and go about my business.

YMMV.
 jlynn1955
Joined: 8/24/2012
Msg: 35
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Avoiding ex
Posted: 8/12/2013 5:40:51 PM
I understand completely. I live in a very very small town. Running in to him was something I really worried about. Strangely, it's never happened so far. I have not really avoided going places because of him. I do run in to his friends now and then and that's hard. Or I run in to someone who doesn't know yet that we split up and that's hard, too. What I dread more is when his fiancée (the one he cheated on me with and left me for) moves here. I just really really dread that. But you know, I have to go to the grocery store, the Dr, the pharmacy, etc. I'm still going to go to the movies. I am not going to hide in my apartment. What I've learned is some days I feel like I can face it and some days I know I cannot. So, it's going to be an event by event decision.

As for being on here when you are not over him, I understand that, too. That's up to you and nobody else. We each decide for ourselves when we are ready for something and when we are not.
 barnabyjames1
Joined: 1/11/2013
Msg: 36
Avoiding ex
Posted: 8/12/2013 11:30:58 PM

If you are not over your ex than why are you looking for a relationship?



Exactly!! If you're completely over your ex, there'd be no need for anyone to "avoid" certain places. I wouldn't care if I were over that person. Good for them that they have a new squeeze.
 lookinfouryoutoo
Joined: 7/31/2012
Msg: 37
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Avoiding ex
Posted: 8/13/2013 1:08:16 AM

You could be completely in full acceptance of your relationship being over, but you may still harbour deep and troubling resentment for him/her.

Being over him does not stop the personal hatred and bitterness.

Being over him means you came to terms with being separated, but the bitterness and hatred can remain.

For example, you can be over your own mother's death, and you can over the grieving, but you will remember her love and your love for her forever.

Similarly, your husband and wife might be someone else's now, but you can never forget the grief and trauma that that ex caused to you.

So you may still feel butthurt and really angry, but it is not something that should forever stop you from looking for love.


I love this post and it echoes my thoughts completely. I think people on here are just way to quick to say someone should stop dating.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 38
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Avoiding ex
Posted: 8/13/2013 1:21:25 AM
OP, if I were in your shoes and seeing my ex didn’t bring out the best in me for whatever reason, of course I would avoid him. I avoid many things to live a happy and stress-free life.

I avoid the freeway (personal choice for personal reasons). I avoid gluten so I don’t have to throw up. I avoid the street where neighbors' tires get slashed for the past 8 years and I avoid the neighbor who does it. I avoid hanging out with people who are negative, mean spirited or judgmental. I avoid my ex from 20 years ago with a restraining order...

None of this makes me or you faulty in any way. On the contrary, it shows that you take responsibility for your feelings and this responsibility is yours alone. It’s no ones business. You taking care of yourself by avoiding your ex does not have an impact on anyone's life except yours alone.

As for being on here when you are not over him, I understand that, too. That's up to you and nobody else. We each decide for ourselves when we are ready for something and when we are not.
Exactly what I think too.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 39
Avoiding ex
Posted: 8/13/2013 9:50:14 AM

If you are not over your ex than why are you looking for a relationship?

Ummm-because she CAN?
She may have listed herself as "looking for a relationship" because that is her end goal. That doesn't mean she has to hide in her house for 2 or 3 years in case she might not be over her ex.
For some people, getting out and dating is part of the healing process. That can be a good thing OR a bad thing, depending on the mindset of the person needing to heal.
I'm not sure that I agree with the OPs reaction that she wants to give this event a miss because her ex might be there, it sounds like she might be passing up an oportunity for a good time, but then I'm not in her shoes and I don't know the details of the break-up.
But she can certainly get out and date,and if she chooses to list a relationship as her dating goal here,perhaps she's trying to avoid the swingin' d*cks that think "dating", "friends" or "hang out" means a one night game of "hide the salami."
Cindy O
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 40
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History
Avoiding ex
Posted: 8/14/2013 12:33:51 AM
Hoo, boy. Talking 'bout bad luck stalking you. you keep leaving and avoiding, and no use, a new peril rears its hideous rear.
I have no idea what you just said and since this thread is not about me I really don’t care to know but I noticed you avoided putting up a picture of yourself. Hiding much? Hit a nerve there?

-but, she misses out on seeing the band that she wanted to see prior to knowing that he "may" be there...
Well... that’s why I said “You taking care of yourself by avoiding your ex does not have an impact on anyone's life except yours alone.” At the end of the day she is responsible for the decisions she makes or would you rather take on that responsibility for her?
Not running in to him or even the chance of running into him was more important to her than seeing the band. Her decision impacts her. Not me or anyone in this thread. If anyone would like to know how it has impacted her they can ask OP and maybe she will share.


Why does that mean she should miss out on having fun?
Well, my wild guess is that she would not have much fun being around him. If she could enjoy the band with him being there don’t you think she would? She is entitled to feeling whatever she feels whenever where ever and for whatever reason.




Missing out on something you want to do because you may run into someone you dated for awhile is juvenile. A grownup would continue on with life. Why miss out on living because of something so silly?
Judging and a ridiculing a complete stranger without knowing any details about her, him and the relationship is extremely mature. Nice. Some people move on by cutting all ties. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to see your ex. She is not hurting anyone or has not stopped living her life.
 ouija2013
Joined: 12/9/2012
Msg: 41
Avoiding ex
Posted: 8/14/2013 8:00:20 AM
I think you should go. Get it behind you - at some point you'll smack into him, once you get over the hurdle then you can move on. Unpleasant - maybe. Getting over the upset stomach at the thought of seeing him - worth it.
 Debisusanne
Joined: 5/3/2011
Msg: 42
Avoiding ex
Posted: 8/17/2013 4:10:46 AM
personally.. i still wish to avoid all exes.. a party is not fun with baggage hanging around.

My last ex seems to show up at the same events i do.. and i hate it!

but.. no.. i do not make plans to avoid him... I just wish he would drop off the face of the earth.. :))
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