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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?      Home login  
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 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 26
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Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy? Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
You suspicions may or may not be correct but no matter because jealousy is a crazy way to choose to feel.

Why choose jealousy?

Pro help is recommended. I'd take it if I was choosing jealousy when (not)dealing with issues.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 27
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Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 3:46:15 PM

So he's been spending almost every night with me-after work or our other hobbies. Last night he asks if I'd be upset if he left after the movie, cause his son needed him to take him to financial aid office in the morning, and he didn't feel like getting up at 6am to do it cause he was tired. I was shocked cause it wasn't even 9pm yet.


^^^I am shocked that you have a problem with this. It's unreasonable to expect undivided attention night after night. Heck, leaving at 10 after being at work all day and then with him...when do either of you spend some downtime alone?

If you don't have some time away from each other it's not going to work. If he can't trust him when he's not with you it's not going to work. If you can't 'buy' that his 22 year-old or a friend is going to factor in here or there it's not going to work.


So he left at 10:10, texted at 11:58 that he missed me, So apparently he was up an hour after he got home and wasn't that tired.


^^^Really that's what you deduced? Perhaps he wasn't sleepy yet. He said he had to get up early...part of going home early may have meant going home to unwind from the day and to possibly get some prep done for the day ahead...a load of laundry, doing something for work, or ironing a shirt.

It useless to expend the energy trying to pin down a time frame for everything that he says so that it either works as truth or supports the suspicious activity your overtime brain is concocting.

You either like the up and down element, or you have more energy than most, and enjoy parsing together timelines that will have you concocting all sorts of scenarios of what could be up with him. He may be guilty of something here (or not), but your hands aren't clean.

Something about the haphazard in this thing with him has some appeal to you. His worst was well-known for 9 months and still you slapped on the bib and pulled up a chair. If you've had enough, you sure do have a funny way of saying "No thanks, I'm full".
 moon_breeze
Joined: 10/10/2012
Msg: 28
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 4:34:33 PM

I am shocked that you have a problem with this. It's unreasonable to expect undivided attention night after night. Heck, leaving at 10 after being at work all day and then with him...when do either of you spend some downtime alone?


Kinda needed to hear that. To me-I would have been irritated at MYSELF for taking 5 hours for a 5 minute conversation-and it seems rude, but I guess when you spend a lot of time together it's not 'company' anymore. I would have preferred he go home for the five hours-which then would have been a 5 minute conversation. Go figure. That's why texting for myself bugs me. My friends and I say what we have to say in a couple long'ish messages, then don't text again til there's something else to say. It's not some long drawn out conversation taking 30 seconds of my life away every two minutes for five hours-I don't like to waste my time like that. But I realize I have to get used to other people's lifestyles.

He gets some of downtime cause I'm at work and have school as well- and I spend quite a bit of time with friends or family-so he'll ask if he can come over at 10 when I get done with my friends, or we'll just skip that night etc. Weekends have mostly been together and he'll either tag along with me, or he'll go home while I do my stuff with friends. But yes, it's been almost every day, even if that day is just to hang out for an hour or two and then go to sleep.
 lostnfoundluv
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 29
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 4:45:21 PM
after reading your post I got exhausted and have to lie I didnt read it fully but you scare me so ......
 BorderCollieMix
Joined: 7/4/2013
Msg: 30
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 5:01:15 PM
He lied at the very beginning, about his age. What did you expect after he demonstrated that he is willing to lie to get what he wants?

Of course you don't trust him--he is a liar. Why would you? So just move on. Have a higher standard for what you expect from others and you won't be finding yourself playing this silly game with him, or someone.
 lostsoultoo
Joined: 2/12/2013
Msg: 31
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 5:16:46 PM
moon breeze, if you don't trust him now when the relationship is just developing, why would you even consider carrying on with it! When you love someone, you don't mistrust them. Just the opposite, you believe everything they say!. I hope you take some time to really think if this is how you want to spend your life, doubting your partner. How terribly sad
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 32
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 5:36:40 PM

The other night I went to bed and didn’t text him back and he drove 40 minutes to call through my window to be sure I was ok. I thought it was sweet, and have told him before he could just stop by anytime.


Damn, sweet? I find that rather stalkerish - I'm presuming it was nighttime ("went to bed"), I'd be texting you "have a good night" and falling asleep myself, not driving 40 minutes to "call through your window" (and probably wake you up in the process). That really is just bizarre.

And seriously, his 22y/o son needed an X-ray - and can't do that by himself?!?
Honestly, it sounds like a nightmare to me... I'd never stay in a relationship where I felt I couldn't trust the person. Sounds like a huge amount of drama to me, but if that's what you like then stick with it - just don't be surprised when it all blows up in your face as things like that are apt to do.
 slowitalldown
Joined: 1/25/2013
Msg: 33
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 6:33:41 PM
OP, I don't have anything useful to tell you really.

Except, you are making feel really glad I am out of a relationship in which I did not trust the guy. He lied continually, and it is crazy making. If you weren't crazy before, you will be shortly.

If you walk away from this one, you will feel better. You may be sad, but you won't feel crazy.
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 34
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 6:33:57 PM
OP said: "I just didn’t want to make it any longer of a post. We definitely enjoy each other’s company-the chemistry, love, passion and friendship is amazing. Even our “arguments” are very open, deep, sharing, and respectful. has a question asking whether you think passion or dedication is more important. Everyone says passion, I say dedication. This relationship-has both in severe abundance. Sometimes, yes, I think the dedication may be unfounded and we just keep trying to ignore the VERY FEW incompatibilities that are just too large to ignore."

Oh please, this is not even a train wreck, it's worse. There is no love, passion, "chemistry". This guy drives 40 minutes to crawl in your window because he is "so worried" and yet needs to leave at night because he has to take son in the morning somewhere. LMAO. Ya right, this guy is controlling and you allow him to control you like a puppet. The lies you knew about in the past and the person who tells them as much as this guy does just doesn't go away and he is a new man now. No way. Counseling?? Waste of time. This is a Lifetime TV movie for sure. OP, get help for you, not him. Take care of you and leave him out of the equation. DYSFUNCTIONAL is what you both are.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 35
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Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 6:54:22 PM
On again, off again relationships rarely turn into anything stable. That's why they were on and off, because the compatibility wasn't there but one was willing to wait & wait & wait until the other one sews enough oats to try and be with one person. You don't trust him, you both were seeing other people, you both know it's shaky, so what you need to do is decide if all this drama and stress is what is attractive to you or if you are willing to move on and find someone who likes spending time with you. And you may not, you may find you would miss the drama, it's not uncommon, lots of people feed off of relationships like this. It's your choice, he's not going to change.
 lookinfouryoutoo
Joined: 7/31/2012
Msg: 36
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Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 7:09:52 PM
OP: Don't date a liar. When you forgive someone for constantly lying to you, for any reason, you are basically saying it's ok to lie to you. He lies about why he cancels on you, he's probably lying about being exclusive with you too.

He was probably having sex with those other women. In fact, some of his cancellations on you were probably for other women.

I have female friends who tell me they love me. I've had sex with them too though.
 ritawright
Joined: 12/2/2012
Msg: 37
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 7:42:29 PM
Sometimes we need to be working on ourselves instead on being in a relationship with another person. Sometimes some people are not good for us to be in a relationship with. Just saying.
 hounddoug
Joined: 3/21/2013
Msg: 38
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 7:43:15 PM

You guys are both nuts.


+1. He's more an idiot than a liar. He lied because you made him feel uncomfortable, and any of those who post comments putting all the blame in him and none are you are equally nuts.
 AnEvilGenius1
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 39
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 8:30:56 PM
The only thing more amusing then this relationship and it's level of chaos and drama is the amount of people suggesting that they should get counseling to save it.

Yes, lets prolong the agony for as long as we possibly can, maybe we can get 3 or 4 seasons out of it and a time slot between Honey Boo Boo and Duck Dynasty.
 AnEvilGenius1
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 40
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 8:31:18 PM
Derp
 Deadliest_Snatch
Joined: 10/25/2012
Msg: 41
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 8:48:16 PM
Some people just have to krap on the birthday cake.
 ImNotForYou
Joined: 4/28/2013
Msg: 42
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 10:38:04 PM
I have read the entire thread and OP has defended everything he has done, each time another poster has stated the obvious......this relationship is a TRAINWRECK!!

Obviously, OP likes the drama judging by her posts. No point in giving my opinion because I have feeling if it isn't what the OP was hoping for it will be excused away like all the others.
 AnEvilGenius1
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 43
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 11:25:00 PM

Just a little FYI for the uninformed, judgmental posters......

Counseling is about getting real, not primarily about saving relationships. It's about helping her see the light and if it is in her best interest to continue with this guy.

You don't know her history. Insulting her is inappropriate, yet it serves to show who has compassion and who takes their frustrations out on a stranger asking for help.


Well lets just call this an individual session at no charge and I just got real, and this has nothing to do with compassion or the lack there of because I'm over flowing with compassion but save it for real things worthy of compassion like homeless puppies and kittens and defenseless baby seals and dolphin, it's about common sense and the lack there of. Funny you confused the two.

Now you may be able to look at a 74 ford pinto and think to yourself, "hey, that would be awesome with a $2000 set of rims and tires and that $1800 sound system", but most will just see a $50 car and the beginning of the end for the American auto industry.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 44
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Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/17/2013 2:04:43 AM
OP,
you feel what you feel and trust as much as you trust for a reason. Nothing anyone says here can change that. However, would it not be logical and reasonable to back off a bit from a relationship that lacks trust? That’s what I would do. Take it slower and distance yourself.

Therapy/counseling is not about saving relationships but being in a non judgmental environment where you can express yourself which in turn will help you figure out what you need to do. The power of non judgmental environment is phenomenal. Of course AnEvilGenious would know nothing about that, which is reflected in his posts.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 45
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/17/2013 2:34:03 AM
Now it's come out, that not every excuse was true. He said because I would get offended or angry when he'd cancel

Because you're a jealous person... and good people aren't going to tell the entire truth to particular people in particular situations. The most wide-spread common one is not saying "Yes, you look fat in those jeans... and the others." Why? It makes them feel unwanted, undesirable, etc. -- even though they definitely still can be.

Another same-level version of that is "I am like dying right now, I don't feel well" instead of "You know what? I just don't feel like it, kinda tired.... we already saw each other recently and I'd rather watch this on tv." Now, you can only do that so many times and with jealous people who need to see you and have trust issues you need more concrete scenarios. Not validating it, but...

Point being, you're a jealous person and you think it's OK. It causes more issues and avoidances than your average bear. Which leads to more trust (jealousy) issues, so it becomes a snowball effect.

He had valid reasons for all of them, and really-we were allowed to date others

When why do you have trust issues? He was allowed to have an 8th grade makeout jam session with a girl in the back-seat. He's banged girls -- better looking than you and not as good looking as you. He's done naughty stuff, etc. And that is OKAY! 100% Fine!

For the same reason it hurts after you're broken up but you find out your now-ex made out with someone, you'll not want to hear about your new BF, before you go exclusive, that he made out with someone. Just because your gut tells you something doesn't mean it's right. It's not!

You have big issues and it's NOT OKAY. Don't tell yourself that it's okay to have big trust issues. Resolve them otherwise you'll keep fighting! You're bringing the issues to the table, not him.
 cwisme
Joined: 6/13/2010
Msg: 46
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Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/17/2013 9:12:33 AM
In a nutshell it's your doubts that are pushing him away and for good reason, it's called instinct. Listen to your doubts, they'll always serve you well, always.
 bmore_goat
Joined: 4/8/2009
Msg: 47
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Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/17/2013 1:54:45 PM
I'm going to give you a quote from columnist Carolyn Hax:

"it's so screamingly important to learn to be happy alone before
you tie yourself to someone. You need to have that reference point to be able
to judge a relationship soundly."

Your compass is severely broken where you think this dysfunctional relationship is normal.
You life sounds like Hell to me and it's a Hell of your own making. That's the total sadness of your situation.
 SunForSome
Joined: 7/27/2012
Msg: 48
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/17/2013 2:30:53 PM
In regards to cancelled dates: I belong to another forum group and the question was asked.... "Would you stick around and try to work things out or would you end things?" Almost everyone on that forum group responded that a cancelled date was a sign that the guy was not interested, was probably seeing other people, potentially stringing the OP along and keeping her as a back-up plan in case his other relationship didn't work out, didn't respect her, or this was his was of ending things. I think there were a few people who mentioned that she should communicate with the guy to find out what is going on since he hadn't called her either. So, to put things into perspective... you are not the only person who doesn't like cancelled dates. Having dated someone who was unreliable... my first thought was that it depends on how much you value the relationship. However, ultimately it is very difficult to date someone like this. Your feelings are valid.

BUT... if you really feel that you don't have any "real" reason to NOT trust this person and you are going through a good stretch... I would just enjoy the moment for now and take things one day at a time and I would work on not overreacting to things. Just try to keep things pleasant. However, if it happens again and he gets into a pattern of cancelling dates... I would just end things period and not go back to him ever again. I think sometimes you can care for someone and even feel love for them; however, perhaps they are not THE ONE for you. There are plenty of guys out there who don't cancel dates... you will find dating one of them to be a more enjoyable experience.
 BLONDE_ANGEL845
Joined: 8/4/2013
Msg: 49
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/17/2013 8:21:40 PM
OP I think you date him & focus on all the crazy stuff so you don't have to look at yourself & work on yourself. We've all done it, then it gets to be exhausting, & we end the vicious cycle.

When you are able to raise the bar for yourself, you will be able to raise the bar for those around you, including those you date.

Why bother w/ the man you describe...the whole scenario sounds crazy, not just your suspicions...
 PittsburghVixen
Joined: 12/9/2012
Msg: 50
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/17/2013 8:56:52 PM
OP, I agree with the others who have posted that it seems that both you and your boyfriend have some problems separately, and together.

If everyone thought that they needed to be perfect and issue-free going into a relationship, no one would ever be able to have a relationship. However, sometimes the relationship just magnifies each person's particular issues. Maybe that's what's going on here.

- You have "trust issues" and he has repeatedly shown that he can't be trusted.
- You both seem to have some jealousy and "control issues" that you're using as weapons on each other.
- Both of you seem to know how to push each other's buttons.
(I'm using the "quotes" because of the "common terms" or euphemisms that I'm using as a shortcut.)

It sounds as though each of you might need to work on your own "issues", separately - and to get some couples' counseling if you both wish to stay together and make it work without the drama.

Of course, that assumes that you no longer want the drama. Some folks like their drama and think (consciously or subconsciously) that life would be boring without it.Are you like that?


I am amazed at the people who would rather be miserable than single.

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