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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Deadliest_Snatch
Joined: 10/25/2012
Msg: 41
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy? Page 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Some people just have to krap on the birthday cake.
 ImNotForYou
Joined: 4/28/2013
Msg: 42
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 10:38:04 PM
I have read the entire thread and OP has defended everything he has done, each time another poster has stated the obvious......this relationship is a TRAINWRECK!!

Obviously, OP likes the drama judging by her posts. No point in giving my opinion because I have feeling if it isn't what the OP was hoping for it will be excused away like all the others.
 AnEvilGenius1
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 43
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 11:25:00 PM

Just a little FYI for the uninformed, judgmental posters......

Counseling is about getting real, not primarily about saving relationships. It's about helping her see the light and if it is in her best interest to continue with this guy.

You don't know her history. Insulting her is inappropriate, yet it serves to show who has compassion and who takes their frustrations out on a stranger asking for help.


Well lets just call this an individual session at no charge and I just got real, and this has nothing to do with compassion or the lack there of because I'm over flowing with compassion but save it for real things worthy of compassion like homeless puppies and kittens and defenseless baby seals and dolphin, it's about common sense and the lack there of. Funny you confused the two.

Now you may be able to look at a 74 ford pinto and think to yourself, "hey, that would be awesome with a $2000 set of rims and tires and that $1800 sound system", but most will just see a $50 car and the beginning of the end for the American auto industry.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 44
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Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/17/2013 2:04:43 AM
OP,
you feel what you feel and trust as much as you trust for a reason. Nothing anyone says here can change that. However, would it not be logical and reasonable to back off a bit from a relationship that lacks trust? That’s what I would do. Take it slower and distance yourself.

Therapy/counseling is not about saving relationships but being in a non judgmental environment where you can express yourself which in turn will help you figure out what you need to do. The power of non judgmental environment is phenomenal. Of course AnEvilGenious would know nothing about that, which is reflected in his posts.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 45
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/17/2013 2:34:03 AM
Now it's come out, that not every excuse was true. He said because I would get offended or angry when he'd cancel

Because you're a jealous person... and good people aren't going to tell the entire truth to particular people in particular situations. The most wide-spread common one is not saying "Yes, you look fat in those jeans... and the others." Why? It makes them feel unwanted, undesirable, etc. -- even though they definitely still can be.

Another same-level version of that is "I am like dying right now, I don't feel well" instead of "You know what? I just don't feel like it, kinda tired.... we already saw each other recently and I'd rather watch this on tv." Now, you can only do that so many times and with jealous people who need to see you and have trust issues you need more concrete scenarios. Not validating it, but...

Point being, you're a jealous person and you think it's OK. It causes more issues and avoidances than your average bear. Which leads to more trust (jealousy) issues, so it becomes a snowball effect.

He had valid reasons for all of them, and really-we were allowed to date others

When why do you have trust issues? He was allowed to have an 8th grade makeout jam session with a girl in the back-seat. He's banged girls -- better looking than you and not as good looking as you. He's done naughty stuff, etc. And that is OKAY! 100% Fine!

For the same reason it hurts after you're broken up but you find out your now-ex made out with someone, you'll not want to hear about your new BF, before you go exclusive, that he made out with someone. Just because your gut tells you something doesn't mean it's right. It's not!

You have big issues and it's NOT OKAY. Don't tell yourself that it's okay to have big trust issues. Resolve them otherwise you'll keep fighting! You're bringing the issues to the table, not him.
 cwisme
Joined: 6/13/2010
Msg: 46
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Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/17/2013 9:12:33 AM
In a nutshell it's your doubts that are pushing him away and for good reason, it's called instinct. Listen to your doubts, they'll always serve you well, always.
 bmore_goat
Joined: 4/8/2009
Msg: 47
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Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/17/2013 1:54:45 PM
I'm going to give you a quote from columnist Carolyn Hax:

"it's so screamingly important to learn to be happy alone before
you tie yourself to someone. You need to have that reference point to be able
to judge a relationship soundly."

Your compass is severely broken where you think this dysfunctional relationship is normal.
You life sounds like Hell to me and it's a Hell of your own making. That's the total sadness of your situation.
 SunForSome
Joined: 7/27/2012
Msg: 48
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/17/2013 2:30:53 PM
In regards to cancelled dates: I belong to another forum group and the question was asked.... "Would you stick around and try to work things out or would you end things?" Almost everyone on that forum group responded that a cancelled date was a sign that the guy was not interested, was probably seeing other people, potentially stringing the OP along and keeping her as a back-up plan in case his other relationship didn't work out, didn't respect her, or this was his was of ending things. I think there were a few people who mentioned that she should communicate with the guy to find out what is going on since he hadn't called her either. So, to put things into perspective... you are not the only person who doesn't like cancelled dates. Having dated someone who was unreliable... my first thought was that it depends on how much you value the relationship. However, ultimately it is very difficult to date someone like this. Your feelings are valid.

BUT... if you really feel that you don't have any "real" reason to NOT trust this person and you are going through a good stretch... I would just enjoy the moment for now and take things one day at a time and I would work on not overreacting to things. Just try to keep things pleasant. However, if it happens again and he gets into a pattern of cancelling dates... I would just end things period and not go back to him ever again. I think sometimes you can care for someone and even feel love for them; however, perhaps they are not THE ONE for you. There are plenty of guys out there who don't cancel dates... you will find dating one of them to be a more enjoyable experience.
 BLONDE_ANGEL845
Joined: 8/4/2013
Msg: 49
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/17/2013 8:21:40 PM
OP I think you date him & focus on all the crazy stuff so you don't have to look at yourself & work on yourself. We've all done it, then it gets to be exhausting, & we end the vicious cycle.

When you are able to raise the bar for yourself, you will be able to raise the bar for those around you, including those you date.

Why bother w/ the man you describe...the whole scenario sounds crazy, not just your suspicions...
 PittsburghVixen
Joined: 12/9/2012
Msg: 50
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/17/2013 8:56:52 PM
OP, I agree with the others who have posted that it seems that both you and your boyfriend have some problems separately, and together.

If everyone thought that they needed to be perfect and issue-free going into a relationship, no one would ever be able to have a relationship. However, sometimes the relationship just magnifies each person's particular issues. Maybe that's what's going on here.

- You have "trust issues" and he has repeatedly shown that he can't be trusted.
- You both seem to have some jealousy and "control issues" that you're using as weapons on each other.
- Both of you seem to know how to push each other's buttons.
(I'm using the "quotes" because of the "common terms" or euphemisms that I'm using as a shortcut.)

It sounds as though each of you might need to work on your own "issues", separately - and to get some couples' counseling if you both wish to stay together and make it work without the drama.

Of course, that assumes that you no longer want the drama. Some folks like their drama and think (consciously or subconsciously) that life would be boring without it.Are you like that?


I am amazed at the people who would rather be miserable than single.

+ 1
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 51
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Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/18/2013 4:56:27 AM
Ahhh...another BLD (Biatches Love Drama) thread.

Past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior. That's my rap yo.
 Kellticman72
Joined: 1/5/2013
Msg: 52
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/18/2013 6:14:32 AM
After reading all the posts and your replies I have decided that you two should really get married. You are perfect for each other. Plus it will take two more people out of the dating pool to save some other people some heartache down the road.
 juliettes7
Joined: 11/4/2012
Msg: 53
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/18/2013 8:30:10 AM
Hearing about this 2nd hand makes me want to dump somebody, yesterday.

How many faces do you all have--you set up a plaint, then defend him and reverse the complaint.

So, if he's so defensible or you're such a victim to this 14 yrs older guy due to your superlative passion and dedication why do you keep posting about his sketchiness/your leash yanking?

He always sounded immature, lying and passive aggressive and you alternated with egg on face/rolling pin...

Is this a future or just post recent divorce rebound ?

Are either of you capable of spending a minute alone or must others witness your life 24/7 so you don't glom onto somebody?

You can't watch and monitor him forever and vice-versa. Are you like this with others?
 mermaid140
Joined: 8/29/2012
Msg: 54
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/18/2013 9:02:00 AM
This road is going to lead to NO WHERE...

I have been down this road and it leads to a dead end.

Move on and let go.
 safaa30
Joined: 3/1/2012
Msg: 55
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History
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/18/2013 10:12:42 AM
He is not THAT into you so he is not acting the way you want him to.
But there is something that keeps him coming back and you let him.
But you can sense there is something wrong so you dont trust him.
Your suspisions/jealousy/crazy behaviour pushes him away.
But you miss him and ALLOW him back at the slightest attempt.
When he is back he realizes he is not THAT into you and cant act the way you want him to.
..................................................................................................

And the vicious cycle continues, one step forward, three steps back
This is what is called a toxic relationship.
You would do well to end it and seek counselling.
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