Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  >      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 42
Q for all single mumsPage 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
lookinfourouryoutoo- I didn't say I don't have ANY time to date, I said during the week. There are always the weekends.
If a man can't deal with the fact I have limited time when we are dating, how can he deal with the reality of that if things become more serious?
I can't very well ask my 14 year old to drive himself to and from school/ band practice, so forth.
It is what it is.
There are a lot of single dads dealing with the same issue, I understand what it's like and don't expect them to drop everything during the week either. No one can be in two places at one time!
 lookinfouryoutoo
Joined: 7/31/2012
Msg: 45
view profile
History
Q for all single mums
Posted: 8/23/2013 5:32:35 PM

I don't see the problem with being a single Mother and dating.


Being a single mother alone isn't always the problem, it's usually the details that are the killer. I've dated single moms that handled things in such a way that it wasn't a problem for us, but they were the exception, not the rule.
 mrcs84
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 46
view profile
History
Q for all single mums
Posted: 8/24/2013 4:19:21 AM
One big issue when it came to dating single mothers is that her decisions were normally the final decision regarding just about everything. Whether it's where to live, to what activities to do, to when it's even possible to meet up and/or have sex, she isn't the one that has to be flexible even remotely as much as he does.

Of course the biggest fear any man should have is the psychological parent doctrine, equitable paternity, in loco parentis, etc. The names vary but they all basically state that creating a relationship with the child and "acting as a parent" can put a man on the hook for child support in the event that the relationship dissolves. So even legally, the odds are stacked against men wanting to open up their dating pool to single mothers.
 SFGIANTSFAN_IN_SOCAL
Joined: 5/19/2008
Msg: 47
Q for all single mums
Posted: 8/26/2013 11:46:52 AM

One big issue when it came to dating single mothers is that her decisions were normally the final decision regarding just about everything. Whether it's where to live, to what activities to do, to when it's even possible to meet up and/or have sex, she isn't the one that has to be flexible even remotely as much as he does.


Most of the women I know only do this when they really don't want to date the guy they're with....


Of course the biggest fear any man should have is the psychological parent doctrine, equitable paternity, in loco parentis, etc. The names vary but they all basically state that creating a relationship with the child and "acting as a parent" can put a man on the hook for child support in the event that the relationship dissolves. So even legally, the odds are stacked against men wanting to open up their dating pool to single mothers.


Not if the kid already has a father. Mine has a father. He's financially responsible for him (for whatever that's worth). He just chooses not to see him since he married his wife.
 mrcs84
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 49
view profile
History
Q for all single mums
Posted: 8/27/2013 6:44:33 AM

Most of the women I know only do this when they really don't want to date the guy they're with.

I don't think you follow. Things have to be accounted for seeing how one party has a child. Working around the child's needs is the big issue. Can't exactly go to a bar if mom doesn't have a sitter, and that also means that you can't stay out later. Want to live in a certain part of town? No decent schools are in that district. Want to spontaneously fvck in the middle of the living room on a nice Sunday afternoon? Ha, good luck with that. The list goes on and on. It's a lot of compromising for the childless party.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 51
Q for all single mums
Posted: 8/28/2013 9:58:35 PM
m church- People don't have issues with time for dating just because of children.
There are people working two jobs just to keep their heads above water (just one example).
If someone can't deal with the reality of your life, they are the wrong person for you.
As far as the issue of becoming serious, even if I were childless, I wouldn't jump into a serious relationship without knowing the person VERY well. That's just not smart. Sometimes it works out, most of the time it doesn't.
TRUE love takes time to develop.
I don't believe in love at first sight, I believe in instant attraction, there is a BIG difference.
 LoneScottishBoy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 52
view profile
History
Q for all single mums
Posted: 8/29/2013 10:34:26 AM
Well, I’m not a single mom, but a single dad.
I will chime in anyway about what I have observed while dating and with my present GF.
I have my children 50% of the time. Nearly all of the ladies I dated had their kids at least 90% of the time as does my present GF.
I often ran into guilt if I infringed into a kids schedule, but it was also rapidly forgiven if I could help with the task.
I went into the pool fully aware that just about every woman I would meet would be a “package deal”.
While it wasn’t a big deal for me, some were very self-conscious or shy about telling me about the kids.
Protecting their kids was always a major concern for them…and rightly so.
I consider myself a good man, but I also know that many of my sex are not.

Time other than kids, was the next consideration. Some single moms I met, one in particular, filled their time with a bit TOO much extracurricular activity. In the process of dating one, we had to go for a month without seeing each other anywhere else than on chat. Just way too busy to be in a relationship.
Other mothers stressed about the time they could spend with me and without me. Constantly fretting about being able to give me enough time and “would I say anything if I didn’t get it?”
I’m a big boy. I can tell you when I need more or less.

Another concern I came across was single moms who were desperate for physical companionship, but also very wary of being used for sex.
They seemed almost ashamed to admit they had needs. As if having needs made them “less than a mom”.
Difficult to explain.
I, however, was extremely face shy, so I was able to relate.

Money was usually a concern. I think nearly all of them described money as “tight”.
Thank goodness I am a really good cook! ;)

The other thing that really stood out for me, was the “out to pasture” woman. Someone who thought they didn’t have that much to offer due to age, too many kids etc…and were just considering “hanging it up”. You could pretty much tell these were going to become professional grandmother’s.

The last, and the worst for me, was the woman who hadn’t done enough work on themselves to realize that I wasn’t her ex-husband.
Nothing more heart breaking than realizing that she was simply trying to re-work her marriage through me. Or they had simply accumulated so many assumptions and judgments that they didn’t even realize they were doing it.
They come in both male and female flavors by the way.
I’m not saying it’s just women who do it.
I call these people “sleepy”.
Lucky for me, me new BS detectors seem to work well and only one made it past the initial meet.

Ladies, you all have something to offer, otherwise you wouldn’t have had people in your lives in the first place.

I can’t speak for all men.
I can only speak for myself.
But if I was single right now and not seeing anyone, it wouldn’t bother me about these obstacles because I have them too.
If I want to be with you, then I will figure out a way.
If we want to be together than we will both figure it out.
When it comes time for the kids, together.

If things don’t work out, it would be a little sad, but understandable.
I like to think that the right man for you will be the ones who understand that life happened to you…
 Tealwood
Joined: 12/16/2008
Msg: 53
Q for all single mums
Posted: 8/29/2013 4:04:31 PM
I consider myself a good man, but I also know that many of my sex are not.


Somewhat arrogant statement…did the halo ever slip down and restrict the breathing?


I have my children 50% of the time. Nearly all of the ladies I dated had their kids at least 90% of the time as does my present GF.


I had my youngest for over 7yrs 100% of the time and the eldest plus 80% of the time…and the typical every other weekend and Wed night suggests a 75/25 split….so would love to know what the 90% entails….or was that just liberty to enhance your story?


Money was usually a concern. I think nearly all of them described money as “tight”.
Thank goodness I am a really good cook! ;)


Now here I can relate…and as a true custodial father one appreciates the reality most custodial fathers are employed full time and receive no child support and the statistics suggest the custodial mother 50% work full time and 75% recieve child support.


Some single moms I met, one in particular, filled their time with a bit TOO much extracurricular activity. In the process of dating one, we had to go for a month without seeing each other anywhere else than on chat. Just way too busy to be in a relationship.


Says who in respect to spending too much time in extracurricular activity? Is it about the children or is it about defining mommy/daddy time in conjunction with child time? Each situation has different criteria and some children have situations that require more extracurricular time than others…suggesting that you might have to put on hold your parental time….


Ladies, you all have something to offer, otherwise you wouldn’t have had people in your lives in the first place.


Yep…I agree completely and just as valid is there are many men who have the same to offer….can we discuss the full time employment of custodial mothers…

Who has what to offer?


I like to think that the right man for you will be the ones who understand that life happened to you…


The poor victims we have today….I have two daughters….I always suggested to them the only one who was capable of making them feel bad about themselves….was themselves….

My daughter had me watch a movie with her….
“we accept the love we think we deserve.”

One needs to more often look in the mirror as the reason one is where they are in life, due to their own choices or lack of initiative in where or what they have done and where they are in life.

But there are many like yourself who look to others as who to blame or find fault in where they are in life…or where they are not..
 LoneScottishBoy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 54
view profile
History
Q for all single mums
Posted: 8/30/2013 12:19:31 PM

Somewhat arrogant statement…did the halo ever slip down and restrict the breathing?

You are projecting.
It was a matter of fact statement.
Doubt me? Go to any local correctional facility and ask to sit in on the sex offenders group meeting.

1 night and day every other weekend comes out to about 90%.

When I say "life happened to you" I mean that we all have life experiences and some are not as wonderful as others. To appreciate a person fully you must not only accept their willfull changes but also the changes they were forced to endure. For the things I can change I look to nobody but myself.
You sound like a person who has had some "not so wonderful" experiences...it comes out all over your writing, which seems like an excuse to argue pointlessly.
I hope your life improves.

No more food for you.
 Peter_Hungus
Joined: 11/3/2012
Msg: 55
view profile
History
Q for all single mums
Posted: 9/3/2013 7:18:39 PM

Ya, I guess I should just stop dating. I have my son 24x7. My life is over.


The one thing I wanted to make abundantly clear was that my post was not intended to jab at women who have 24/7 custody. My intention was to give the OP a comprehensive analysis from a mans perspective on why they are reluctant to persue a relationship with a 24/7 custodial mother. The conclusion I made that, Woman want a traditional Man but do not want to to be a traditional Woman was that it seems women have , "picked and choosed" the aspects of marriage and domesticated living. Not surprisingly, those new apsects only benefit the women in question.

Because of that conclusion, which lookinfouryoutoo touched on, was that the potential man going into a relationship with a person in the OP's scenario lacks one major thing. Viable Interest. For many men, there is alot to put in and very little to recieve entering into those situations.


I think this is a very broad generalization.


It is actually a very typical generalization. But with any generalization, there are exceptions, which you are one, from which you have rightfully stated.


It's a lot of compromising for the childless party.


It is just as much so even for a man with kids. Only a minority of men are custodial fathers. Most single/ divorced men with kids get thier children every other weekend or at best 50/50.

Anyone with young children knows how hectic child rearing is and that "your time", doesn't start until the kids are in bed, typically 9ish? That being said most men, even with kids of there own, are skeptical to voluntarily put themselves in that lifestyle 24/7 when they get ample free time from raising thier own kids.

Perhaps that is selfish. But men and women in this society have become more materialistic, self-centered and are only willing to deal with what hardships that they currently have themselves. That has become evident by many women I see post on here who won't date men with young childeren because thier's are older now and they don't have to deal with that themselves.
 Just_Bopping_Around
Joined: 6/28/2013
Msg: 57
Q for all single mums
Posted: 9/4/2013 9:24:10 AM

Perhaps that is selfish. But men and women in this society have become more materialistic, self-centered and are only willing to deal with what hardships that they currently have themselves. That has become evident by many women I see post on here who won't date men with young childeren because thier's are older now and they don't have to deal with that themselves.

No. That's not selfish. That's just being in a different phase of life. Been there, done that and don't need or want to go back. People have that right to choose.

Why should people willing choose martyrdom? I have two daughters of my own. I should date a lady with 4 young children, so I can have a family of 6 kids and 2 adults? Maybe I want a big family, but maybe I don't. But that's my right to choose and not choosing a large family or wanting to put myself into that situation is not selfish.

Ask any parent of a child with a major disability about whether they would have voluntarily taken on the task if they had the choice. It's very rewarding, but also very, very time consuming and difficult. It's not selfish to not want to take on that role if you have a choice.

People are allowed to choose their own lives. If they are put in a life situation and walk away from it, that's selfish. But no one has to voluntarily take on those roles.
 geekygoddess4u
Joined: 10/15/2010
Msg: 60
view profile
History
Q for all single mums
Posted: 10/4/2013 1:03:05 PM
I disagree with this but I am guessing I am not your typical single mom according to what I'm reading here.

I have a 5 year old son, whom I split custody 50% of the time with his dad. I am educated with 2 degrees, have a full time job where I make more than enough money to support myself and my son fully. My ex pays child support but I am nowhere near dependent on it, a few hundred extra bucks a month is nice but I handle my own. I have a great relationship with my son's dad, whom I was in a relationship with for over 8 years. We are still good friends, and are not together because he came out as gay and is now remarried with 2 more kids. (step-son and surrogate baby girl). I am happy that he is able to live his life authentically now, and there is zero drama between us. I am still also very close to his family.

I have plenty of time and disposable income to date, and do so fully open with the intention of finding a true love and serious relationship to settle down and get married again. I am not a casual person and dislike dating but it's a necessary evil. I am in no way desperate and seeking attention of men, and I am VERY selective of who I go out with, because it is extremely important to me that the man I end up with is someone that not only I can respect, but my son can look up to and have an amazing influence in his life. I DO NOT introduce anyone I am dating to my son until I feel it is getting serious, because I do not want him to get attached nor remember mommy as having a bunch of men in and out of his life.

I believe that I am a major catch, and have A LOT more to offer a worthy man than sex. Sadly, there are still quite a lot of men that won't give me the time of day because I have a child, or will just try to bed me with no other intentions. To those men, I say a hearty THANK YOU for weeding yourselves out. I am patient, and I know that I will one day meet the right man for me, that will take the time to get to know me on a deeper level, and see that I am more beautiful on the inside than I am on the outside. All of you single moms out there, should have the same amount of self worth and value! Because you are beautiful and worthy of love, if you first love yourself!

I prefer to be alone (read: not lonely) than be with someone temporarily that I know isn't right for me and doesn't value and love me the way I deserve. Because I am the kind of person that gives 100% and expect the same.

Keep your chins up ladies, and don't give yourselves away for a little bit of attention. My 2 cents :)
 forpink
Joined: 8/5/2013
Msg: 61
Q for all single mums
Posted: 10/6/2013 6:34:07 PM
Dear single mom,

I respect your choice for wanting to wait, however I just want to tell you are perfect just the way you are. Man are not experts in relationships either, they suck just like we do, even more might I say. Relationships are a two way street both man and woman can work on gaining better relationship skills. If you want to date, my advice is to date as you are now and work on getting better. Starting now, is also part of learning instead of waiting.

Waiting for what? until the children get older, you get older with them remember. Take care of yourself, take care of your children, and date responsibly, if that's what's you want.
 Natas_75
Joined: 5/8/2013
Msg: 64
Q for all single mums
Posted: 10/17/2013 11:29:32 AM
Back to the topic....

I'm one of those 100% custody with 0 financial support people, so consequently, time and money have been my biggest issues, I don't have the freedom and availability to meet up, take off, or spend the night at the drop of a hat and I don't want to put family members in the position of always watching my kids just because they want me to get out and have a life as something other than just being "mom". If I'm in a relationship or starting one, I'd also like to be able to contribute equally as far as buying dinners or taking trips, I wouldn't feel right about someone else paying my way, just not the way I was brought up...

I also get that getting involved with someone with kids is a big deal, and definitely something to think twice about, even for single dads, who, as someone else pointed out, often only have 50% custody and consequently have more free time.

Because of those reasons I've opted out of the dating scene for now and just focus on enjoying myself with my kids, family and friends, luckily I'm surrounded by awesome people so it's no great hardship :).
 5150Rivergirl
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 65
Q for all single mums
Posted: 10/23/2013 3:16:06 PM
Ya know, this is a good question, because it makes me reflect on my past 11 years of being a single parent. (daughter is 11).

Like you, my list could be endless too, however, Ive come to realize the problems I faced almost always started with me. Whether I was too hard on myself, or I picked the wrong type of men. For starters, I dove in way too soon, and was not emotionally divorced, so that did a number on my pysche. I took a couple years off. When I was ready, I put myself out there again. Some were duds. I had the typical date horror stories, but I also had a couple of memorable ones and even a few good guys.

I honestly do not have a "dating problem". I prefer to call them, "challanges". It's basically finding the time to date and making the effort. I am pretty comfortable in life. I work full time, and recently transfered to another property of my company, so I have a bit of commute and am exhausted at the end of the day. I have my daughter full time and do not share custody. My breaks come from my parents, whenever they are not traveling in their RV on vacation. They love to take her overnight, I just dont ask too much. Weekends are soccer games, quality time with her, and family. When I have a sitter, I'd almost rather go out with a friend to a dive bar. Maybe Im just not "there yet" with putting myself out there again. Been burned a few times, so I am taking a "breather".

Not sure if there is anything to solve. You date when you are mentally ready to. A person will make the time if they really want to :)
Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  >