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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Seemingly good first dates, no second dates      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 floral2
Joined: 7/10/2013
Msg: 26
Seemingly good first dates, no second datesPage 2 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

I think chemistry is important in a LTR. The difference is I don't expect instant chemistry on the first date / meeting. Many times, there isn't instant chemistry on a first date / meeting because 2 people are still virtual strangers at that point. Or at least one person is a little bit shy, nervous, and guarded at first.


I had relationships where the chemistry didn't start developing until the 2nd or 3rd date. I also had dates where there was "instant chemistry" on the first date. But the chemistry quickly fizzled out. Having said that, if I notice anything about a man that is a clear turn off, then there won't be another date.
 Midwest_Southwest
Joined: 9/9/2012
Msg: 27
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 8/27/2013 9:21:34 AM
I should add that I have a very laid-back, easy going, rather un-emotional personality. I sometimes wonder if that could be the problem too, but if I act differently, isn't she just going to see through that anyways?

Maybe that’s a factor. I find that I feel more energized about someone who seems energized about me, and men that I’m enthused about seem to feel it and reciprocate. If you aren’t enthusiastic about someone, I don’t see the point in seeing her again anyway. So many keep going on first dates until you DO feel excited about someone.
 Ainen
Joined: 6/27/2013
Msg: 28
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 8/27/2013 6:50:12 PM
Suggest the next date while on the first. I've done this on almost every first meet/date. All but one reacted positively. Of course things can fall apart, she might flake out.

100% of my first meets/dates with younger gals lead to additional dates. Therefore, 100% of the one-and-dones are with older women.

Don't have absolute rules for length. Most of mine last well over an hour. Kiss if it seems right (too bad Abelian isn't here to refute the advice one poster had not to kiss). Better to move too quickly than to be friend zoned or perceived as a nice guy.

A longer profile will probably get you a lower response rate for first messages, but those who do respond are more likely to meet and to have the compatibility for multiplie dates. My profile was longer with bolder, edgier content, and nearly every meet got more dates. Now with a shorter, safer about me, I get 50% response with fewer 2nd dates. On the okay site my profile is a novel and nearly every meet leads to more dates.
 fedexmale
Joined: 8/24/2013
Msg: 29
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 8/27/2013 7:07:44 PM
Why don't you make another post, a detailed story of one of these dates, so I can see if there is something you can improve on... there may be something really simple you are doing that is turning these women off.
 Ladyinred4755
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 30
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 8/28/2013 1:32:08 AM

1. Stop texting. It's the lowest form of human communication out there. Regardless of what society is currently accepting, stop doing it.
AMEN, Couldn't have said this better myself!
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 31
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 8/28/2013 11:37:15 AM

I don't even understand how a girl can expect to have a connection after just knowing someone for an hour or two anyways. Is that even possible/feasible besides the rarest of occasions?

A connection in the sense of a "spark" -- ie digging you? That, or more importantly the lack thereof, can happen very quickly. Less than an hour.

I have a very laid-back, easy going, rather un-emotional personality.

Your profile doesn't necessarily suggest that. Easy-going, sure... unemotional? No. Especially on first-meets, it's easy to be over-active or under-active. The former can help generate a spark (going for the home-run ball), and the latter is going to make you nice-but-no-thanks unless you're a rare catch on paper and more importantly in looks.

When it comes from online especially, you can't treat it like she rarely has dating opportunities or you're an uncommon catch for her as if you're out of her league. Especially if you're chill, unflinching, unemotional. You haven't "won" her at all yet. You're just meeting.

I'll assume you're not making any stupid moves that would push them away, notably due to your laid-back approach. So you're wondering -- what gives? Well, first, you're going to get that sometimes. It's not crazy. But 0-12? Okay, something's up here. Either you're managing to squeeze out dates with girls out of your league each time, or you're not doing anything as your profile suggests -- being different than the other fish in the pond (or some of both).

What you have to do first is be a different guy than in the pond. On paper only goes so far. Your persona, your vibe, the way you project yourself has to catch her, assuming she has adequate attraction toward you. If you do that, you won't go 0-12 for at least a 2nd date.

And yes, you should text them after you get back home from the date. You're not asking them out again or trying to start conversation so quick. It's an acknowledgement. It's standard. How long after you get back depends on the time of day. If it was an afternoon date, you can wait a little bit. If it was a nighttime date, don't do it at 2am when ya got home at midnight. Again, just an acknowledgement.
 35brock
Joined: 3/20/2013
Msg: 32
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 8/30/2013 6:17:37 AM
For this to have happened 12 times in a row indicates that something is going wrong, is it possible you're too layed back and these women genuinely didn't think you were that interested in them?


It's possible he is doing something that turns these women off. In general, I think most first dates with someone from a dating site don't lead to a second date even when the first date goes well. Some women have texted me after a date. Saying that they had a great time. When I called them to set up another date, they never returned my calls. Or they agreed to a second date. But cancelled at the last minute.


I had some female friends tell me that it's good (and an indicator of interest) to ask her out at the end of the first date, or at least there's nothing necessarily wrong with it (and it wouldn't be pushing).


I don't think that necessarily works though. A woman can be interested at the end of the first date and change her mind due to a variety of possible reasons after some reflection.
 m1schi3f
Joined: 11/28/2012
Msg: 33
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 8/30/2013 6:27:40 AM
ha - and i thought it was just me. yup - lots of window shoppers unfortunately. once i get over the feeling of dejection i should have more wiser words for you. watch this space.
 KratosSpawn
Joined: 10/24/2010
Msg: 34
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 8/30/2013 5:41:14 PM
Try meeting people from different places or areas. There always a huge pool of single individuals.

You also need to figure out what is occurring during these dates that are resulting in the same finishes. Are you overtexting/phone chatting to the point where they know too much about you to need to see you?

On date night, are you noticing any specific response these women have to something you habitually do? It might just be correcting a bad habit?

And are you putting out an air of despiration? Do you present yourself as clean cut and crisp? Are you engaging with a demeanor that says...I suck at dating, most women reject me, and I know you will too?


Keep this in mind and never let rejection define you. Just learn from it!
 barnabyjames1
Joined: 1/11/2013
Msg: 35
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 8/31/2013 12:09:48 AM

Having said that, if I notice anything about a man that is a clear turn off, then there won't be another date.



That's all well and fine, but do you actually let these people know there won't be a second date(and so forth), or do you just string them along, and not even have the decency, or courtesy to politely tell them there won't be? If you string men along, then don;t complain that they're "stalking/annoying/bugging you", etc. You're basically leading them on & I can assure you if done to you, you wouldn't like it.

Not trying to start anything, I'm curious. It's great to talk the talk, but do you walk the walk too?
 floral2
Joined: 7/10/2013
Msg: 36
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 8/31/2013 8:43:02 AM
That's all well and fine, but do you actually let these people know there won't be a second date(and so forth), or do you just string them along, and not even have the decency, or courtesy to politely tell them there won't be? If you string men along, then don;t complain that they're "stalking/annoying/bugging you", etc. You're basically leading them on & I can assure you if done to you, you wouldn't like it.


Yes I would politely tell them that I'm no longer interested.
 iola345
Joined: 4/28/2013
Msg: 37
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 8/31/2013 9:38:33 AM
First of all -- no one ever said dating was easy. Whether you meet ppl from online, at the bar or anywhere else, it will probably be one of the most discriminatory things you will ever partake in your life. We all have different wants and needs and likes and dislikes. Therefore, don't expect to hit the jackpot from the first few meets -- not even the first few dozen meets! ... Trust me, this is not only a problem guys come across. .. Myself and a lot of my single gal friends go thru pretty the same thing. ... and along the way .. among one of those ppl that you meet ... mutual attraction may just happen. Like someone said, you just keep on truckin and don't beat yourself down with the ones that did not work out.


Now just for the record OP and to give you a better idea what happens from a girls perspective of these online meets & dates: when I had an active dating profile on here, I met up with a tens of dozen of guys (prolly more than 50 but less than 100) .. From that amount, only 3, yes THREE guys ever really sparked my interest for further dates.

I don't think I am overly picky but if the feeling is not there then no point in having 2nd dates. Usually my gut feeling is right. .. In the past I have been open for second dates with guys I did not initially feel any spark/chemistry/connection with -- but they seemed nice enough and their company was ok so I thought "second date wouldn't hurt". .... BUT ya know what??.... "just ok" won't cut it. ... Cos 100% of the dates I felt "just ok" with and agreed for 2nd dates -- nothing happened. .. To put it short, the second date was just a waste of time for both people.

So be glad these ladies are being honest with you and not leading you on. I don't think there is one secret formula or method that will all of a sudden make ms.right fall into your lap. Perhaps you can try adjusting little things here & there. .. but at the core, you are who you are and that is the person who Ms.Right should fall for when she comes along. ...

agh .. all this advice is overly trite and cliche but no other way to put it ya know ....

It's a 'dance' of meeting ppl, puttting yourself out there, having hope but keeping your expectations low ... and mostly, don't forget to enjoy yourself and have fun with the process. ... It's a roll of the dice that everyone must take if they want a chance at winning the jackpot..

Best wishes~
 BorderCollieMix
Joined: 7/4/2013
Msg: 38
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 8/31/2013 10:11:46 AM
Look, in real life, you don't even ask out most of the women you meet. You just don't feel that connection with them, even if you have a neutral or positive reaction to their appearance.

The difference with online is, we ask out/go out with people based primarily on an image and profile, knowing *nothing* about them, other than what is projected in this static way.

It should not surprise you, then, to find out that most people who found you "not repulsive" (a pretty low bar) and agreed to meet you in person, will not find anything worth pursuing with you.

Do you meet women who contact you? If not, try that-and then you will likely find you are the one saying "Thanks, but I don't think we are a match," so you will have a better understanding.

We all ask out people we already find attractive, at least by their picture. When asked out by someone, we are more likely to be in the "willing to give it a try" mode-because we know pics and profiles are not much to go by. So the consequence is, at least 1/2 of the pair is already in a neutral mode to begin with.

This is why online dating means persistence. Yes, you will most likely find someone who "clicks" with you, although they had a rather neutral reaction to your online persona. But it takes meeting a lot of people.

If you let it get to you, then you should stop.
 35brock
Joined: 3/20/2013
Msg: 39
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 8/31/2013 10:26:30 AM
Now just for the record OP and to give you a better idea what happens from a girls perspective of these online meets & dates: when I had an active dating profile on here, I met up with a tens of dozen of guys (prolly more than 50 but less than 100) .. From that amount, only 3, yes THREE guys ever really sparked my interest for further dates.


If I had 50-100 first dates / meetings and only wanted a 2nd date with 3 of them, at the very least I would reevaluate my selection process. Going out on a second date doesn't mean that I'm going to marry them. LOL.


I don't think I am overly picky but if the feeling is not there then no point in having 2nd dates. Usually my gut feeling is right. .. In the past I have been open for second dates with guys I did not initially feel any spark/chemistry/connection with -- but they seemed nice enough and their company was ok so I thought "second date wouldn't hurt". .... BUT ya know what??.... "just ok" won't cut it. ... Cos 100% of the dates I felt "just ok" with and agreed for 2nd dates -- nothing happened. .. To put it short, the second date was just a waste of time for both people.


There is no guarantee that chemistry will develop in this situation. But sometimes it does take more than 1 date / meeting for chemistry to develop because of reasons I had mentioned in msg 23. Like I said before, some couples that are in solid marriages and relationships have told me that there wasn't instant chemistry on their first date.

Having said that, of course there are other times when it does take just 1 date for me to realize that it won't go anywhere. That is usually when there are obvious dealbreakers about the other person. Obvious dealbreakers aren't just limited to someone being physically unattractive or a jerk etc. It can also happen when we have different lifestyles or different beliefs about certain topics. In summary, I evaluate lack of instant chemistry on a first date / meeting on a case by case basis.
 FloridaRes123
Joined: 5/11/2013
Msg: 40
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 8/31/2013 10:54:26 AM

I don't think I am overly picky but if the feeling is not there then no point in having 2nd dates.


I know what you mean, and usually it's pretty obvious from both sides, too. I've gone out with a couple of women with rather dry personality types, conversation hardly flowed, and it just wouldn't warrant a 2nd date.

But some women, from email corresopndence, to the phone all the way up to the end of the date, where some women I did feel something with where we were just bounding off flirts, laughs, having fun from beginning ALL the way until the end of the date. Her being touchy feely, even complimented me on my eyes and my humorous personality until I finally walked her to her car.

She even hinted around at getting together again, so I said, "How about next weekend?" She exitedly said, "Sure!"

Then, I call her to set up a 2nd date...no response...I call her and leave a voice mail again...no response. I must've waited 4 days until she finally texted me , "Sorry, I just didn't feel a spark, you were probably one of the best dates I've had from POF, but just wasn't feeling a spark, so good luck in your search"

I was quite disappointed/baffled at the same time. I just concluded she was just fickle.
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 41
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 8/31/2013 1:17:42 PM
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

You are kidding right???

You must be reading the wrong thread post......I think you are looking for 1001 ways to get laid and have multiple floor to ceiling notches on your bedpost. That thread is about 15 doors down.

This is definitely NOT the type of immature moron I would want to date.

Which leads me to the next thread post that if a woman jumps in bed too fast she is a wh o re and if she takes her time she is a prude.....We just can't win.....
 Ladyinred4755
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 42
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 8/31/2013 3:13:11 PM
You need to take her as your lover first and you need to do it as humanly possible. Once you have done this, you are then more in control of the situation because the woman will see you as a powerful man who gave her a satisfying sexual experience and will be looking for you to lead her.

Attraction expires quickly, so you must take women to bed fast. No horsing around or dilly-dallying;
Badboys101, LOL, I'm sure your mother would agree with this advice. AND when your daughter (when and if you have one) turns 18, be sure to give this advice, to each of her future suitors......................Op, please disregard advice from he who crawled out from under the "Stone Age"rock!
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 43
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 9/1/2013 6:40:49 AM
Badboy101.....you really don't get it do you???

I could agree with SOME of the things you have on your previous post here, but don't with the following:


After you've built enough of a connection (1 to 3 hours), invite her home


Any woman who has a SHRED of sense, much less safety would NOT go home with a guy she has only interacted with for merely ONE hour. That is nothing more than a dangerous situation just waiting to happen.


Once back at your place, kiss her within 10 minutes of getting home


again, you are kiidding.....right?


Escalate physically, handle any objections, and be a good lover to her


"handle any objections" how? - there is nothing to handle if she says NO. To put it plainly, if she says NO and you keep at it, it's a damn good way to get yourself charged with rape and believe me, it's nothing anything you want to deal with. - ESPECIALLY if she presses charges and drags your happy a$$ through the legal system. NO means NO - which seems to be an issue with a LOT of men in the dating pond.

Your profession says you are a "solictor" in the UK but on a high school diploma which I find difficult to believe....which I would think as the US version would be "lawyer" which takes many years of law school to attain.....but that all being said, I would think being in the legal profession you would know these things.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 44
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 9/1/2013 7:21:24 AM

6. After you've built enough of a connection (1 to 3 hours), invite her home
7. Once back at your place, kiss her within 10 minutes of getting home
8. Escalate physically, handle any objections, and be a good lover to her

Yeah, for a lot of women this part won't be happening.


Oh and another thing
Never get too attached to women you have not slept with .
The more time you spend emotionally pursuing something or someone - the more power you give that something or someone over you.
And what happens when someone has power over you ?
She realizes it. And then, she abuses it.
Women do this ALL THE TIME with men. I'm going to say that again
WOMEN DO THIS ALL THE TIME WITH MEN

You know this how? Because you know everything? Oh, and I took out your carriage returns used for dramatic effect. Not every woman abuses power or even cares about any of this.

You say you struggle to get a 2nd date ? Well you now spend even less time trying to set up the second date; if she goes for it, great; if not, you move on. On the second date itself, you'll generally make it a lower-effort outing - something nice, but less intensive than that first date.
As time goes up, your effort goes down.
Listen I'm not saying that women want to be treated badly by men
But answer me this
Have you met a woman that has said "My ex husband was a great guy. He was so nice"
Or
"My baby father was a really nice guy"

Never got married or had kids so I can't say this...but if I had I would

Or
"All my boyfriends were really nice guys"
Nope. Neither have I. Women are VERY masochistic when it comes to men. They hate the pain and tears that men can cause in their lives but at the same time they THRIVE on it.

This I can say...and I do - I don't have dramatic hatred filled breakups with exes, and most of them were and still are nice guys. So now you HAVE heard it once. You might want to remove this from your pep talk now. A hint: go with the word "some" when you lecture about half the population, it gives you more credibility.

When a woman is out of her prime, that is above child bearing age, and that's 40+, then she goes for guys she would not have given a second glance to in her prime.

Why would anyone give a chance to someone they don't want? Why would a guy want a chance with a woman who's not really interested? I don't ever see myself doing this...makes no sense. Either I like someone or I don't.

Either this is BS, or I just can't relate based on my situation. I never wanted kids, and I never cared if I was single if I didn't meet anyone I was interested in so bothering with someone in a romantic sense that I'm so-so about for any reason is just a waste of time for everyone. I suspect many other women feel the same way.
 justbrowsingsocal
Joined: 8/28/2013
Msg: 45
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 9/1/2013 8:27:54 AM
CallmeKen - very pragmatic advice for any guy and you are right about all of it! Plus, you're hilarious!
 justbrowsingsocal
Joined: 8/28/2013
Msg: 46
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 9/1/2013 8:52:59 AM
I think you should put your personality traits in your profile " laid-back, easy going, rather un-emotional personality" so that a woman knows what to expect when she meets you.
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 47
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 9/1/2013 9:11:17 AM
Maffers (see message 60)





I would much rather have a first date that decided I wasn't the one for them. Then the ones that go heck put me in the loop till something better comes along. Being just good enough, but at the same time never enough. Still either pining for that one that got away, or the one that decided they didn't want a relationship.


I like the way you think on this.

I too would much rather be told I am not the one for them and be able to move on. I never ceases to amaze me how people will hang with you until something they perceive as better will come along.....and when they find out it isn't how they try to come crawling back....I don't know about you, but I have had that happen.

Needless to say, I refuse to play that game. Once you walk out the door and say you are finished, then you are. There is no going back.

But the thing that REALLY gets under my skin is how I get "friendzoned" and subsequently told how we can go to movies, dinners, they will call me next week,etc and never hear from them again until several months even a year down the line with a guys I met eons ago call me out of the blue because he's lonely, bored, or just wants to get laid.

Needless to say, the correspondences don't get returned. They couldn't take the time to give me a chance back then.....well I can't take the time to give them a chance now.
 PrinceCharmingsApprentice
Joined: 12/13/2011
Msg: 48
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 9/1/2013 12:30:57 PM
I've been very busy lately so not able to respond, but thank you all for taking the time out of your days to share your thoughts, advice, and experiences. I really appreciate it. And thanks, VolcanoKing, for the compliment!

It's encouraging (in a weird way) to read that though there are things I could do better, this isn't entirely out of the ordinary to happen. I went on another first date on Thursday and made sure to be a little more expressive and energetic while still making sure not to be "someone else". Perhaps it worked, because a second date is scheduled for next week...although that's happened and fallen through before with other girls, so time will tell. Either way, will just keep on working at it!
 findinglove1234
Joined: 8/22/2013
Msg: 49
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 9/3/2013 12:28:32 PM
I had the best first date ever. We talked, laughed, for three hours. Even the waiter commented what a great time we were having and hated to even interupt to see if we wanted more drinks. Afterwards my meet date went on and on about how much fun it was; that he needed this date, etc. A few days later when I didnt hear back, I sent a text. "Great time with a wonderful guy. Think we can get together again soon?" NO REPSONSE. I wanted one...even if it had been, "Sorry, but no."
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 50
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 9/3/2013 4:02:36 PM

Afterwards my meet date went on and on about how much fun it was; that he needed this date, etc. A few days later when I didnt hear back, I sent a text. "Great time with a wonderful guy. Think we can get together again soon?" NO REPSONSE. I wanted one...even if it had been, "Sorry, but no."


findinglove1234......(see message 66)

What a chicken sh*t on his part! I just can't believe the total lack of courtesy with people across the board.

Well....lesson learned.....pitch this bozo's contact info and move on to the next......what else can you do???

Now watch.....in several months, he'll try to contact you out of lonliness, boredom, or because all of his options and prospects ran dry.
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