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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Seemingly good first dates, no second dates      Home login  
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 adventurejoe70
Joined: 3/1/2013
Msg: 51
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Seemingly good first dates, no second datesPage 3 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
No worries. :) I don't think I've spent over $10 on any of these meetups. A lot of times, the girl even offers to buy my drink. To which I politely decline, but if she insists, then I'll accept it.

CallMeKen - your post was funny. I think I'm Ok on most of those items, but I do wonder about the first contact after. I figure texting that same night looks desperate so I've always waited until the day after. Maybe that's part of the problem, at least sometimes? Curious what others might think about that.

Thank you all for your responses so far. I find it interesting that this is happening to women also. I guess some of us guys can be confusing to figure out too. :)


Actually, in most cases you aren't doing anything wrong. You are who you are, make whatever improvements you can and accept the rest.
As for following a bunch of rules..first thing I learned is that there are NO rules here. Go with body language and worry about yourself having an ok time NOT what she thinks.
Being congruent goes a LONG way here. What I mean by that is be yourself but most importantly don't act different in person than you did before. So is it ok to talk about sex? YES if somehow it was discussed before. If she wanted to talk politics before than you best have that face on during the date. I don't know if they consciously(men &women) do it but in my experience the best dates were when we were the way we were when we attracted each other in the first place. Congruence goes far with online dating...anything less can lead to disappointment.
Also if body language is open to a kiss GO for it, vibe is often more important than spoken words anyway. You got nothing to lose. If a women needs to know you longer she will tell you but in most cases it won't ruin anything and you will have communicated much more than any words would have. . If she is the type that thinks you came on too strong, will good riddance. You would have had a steep mountain to go over long term wise.
I never call the same day,Unless she asks or I promised I would. Its important to keep promises even if you originally was casual about it.So wait the next day and don't go pass 2 days unless it is weekend. As a rule i never bother someone Friday or Saturday, simply because manners. But I wouldn't call same day.... let it soak in for both of you.
Btw sadly but Bad boy did make some interesting points(if i say things like that my forum friends send me threats of brainwashing camp) lol, joking.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 52
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 9/3/2013 6:26:54 PM
a second date is scheduled for next week...although that's happened and fallen through before with other girls, so time will tell. Either way, will just keep on working at it!

A good thing to do is not to wait to ask to go out again. Throw out at least the Notion of a 2nd date at the end of the date with a ballpark range of days (Thurs or Fri), when walking her to your car. If she convincingly affirms, that's great... that's a greener light to go in for the kiss when you stop at her car. And don't be Scared of a kiss, either. Women are like bees & dogs -- they smell fear, even when you don't think you're showing it -- a turn off for most. :) Go in for the kiss if it seems like she wants to see you again, and see how she responds.

If you get the affirmation of a 2nd date, and a convincing kiss, you're not going to worry about things so much. Things are much smoother from there. You don't go out on a date and without bringing up the notion of ever seeing her again, part ways in opposite directions out the door of the restaurant/bar and wait 2-3 days to text her that you had a cool time. That's going to result in a bad batting avg.

And all the while, what you may fear is being too excited/revealing about her... be revealing, keep some mystery... but show emotion. When it comes to bringing up the notion of another date, that's when you make sure you're not too excited, as well as texting her eagerly as soon as you run in the door. Be cool at those points, and you'll feel fine.

And make sure you don't play Mr Nice Guy(tm), and also not Mr Roboto either (the previous critique about you that you claim you've oiled up).

You are who you are, make whatever improvements you can and accept the rest.

But there's some improvements people think they can't do, but could, if the situations were right. And some things they "can't do" because they don't see/believe why they should and still, in the back of their mind, are confused and are not buying something. They may think going in for a kiss at the end of the date is too bold if she's not super ga-ga about him. But say, the guy by magic coincidence overhears 5 different girls who walked away from him say that they did so because he wouldn't kiss her or was too nervous/robotic/etc. Almost any guy who is "yeah, but, I can't, that's just me" would change to a Good extent. The reason "it's how I am" is because of what he's conditioned/convinced of. Once that changes, he will change. Listening to forum posters like us can only go so far and nudge him. :)
 -Flying-
Joined: 10/31/2013
Msg: 53
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/21/2013 2:01:32 AM
The exact same thing happens to me.

I had 3 dates last week. Some went ok, one went great. Nothing to show for it though. No 2nd.

I'm probably on my 10th in the last while.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm mis representing myself. But hey, I have like 8 pics online. They say to keep on trucking. But my truck is running low on fuel
 -Flying-
Joined: 10/31/2013
Msg: 54
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/21/2013 2:46:49 AM
I'm part if the 0 for 12 club.

So you are saying to force yourself to act different then usual on a date ? I used to have a few shots before a date to loosen myself up. After some fails, I quit doing that. But on those dates, at least the date itself went pretty good. I quit doing that now and the dates have got worse.

And as far as leagues go... The 2 best lookers I went out with actually messaged me first. And one of them said they'd be open to a 2nd date at the end of the 1st. It fizzled though. And I had this one chic basically walk out on me on a date and she wasn't exactly miss America...
 -Flying-
Joined: 10/31/2013
Msg: 55
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/21/2013 3:24:51 AM
Wow..... just wow.

You went on 50 dates and still managed to find something wrong with 47 of the guys. And you think this is normal. It's about as normal as driving on the wrong side of the highway and passing by 50 cars still without realizing that you are in fact , on the wrong side of the highway.

Best wishes
 chill78
Joined: 10/13/2013
Msg: 56
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/21/2013 6:52:58 AM
I realized this a while ago. A great first date does not guarantee that they will be a second date. Some women have texted me after a date and said things like "you are a sweetheart", "I had a lot of fun", "we should go out again". When I called them to set up another date, they wouldn't return my calls or we would make plans and they cancelled at the last minute. Some possible reasons why this happens.

1. It's not just about a person liking you. It's also about a person liking you more than anyone else that (s)he had dates with. Some people ( in particular on internet dating ) had dates with other people and liked one of them a little bit better.
2. Some people aren't ready for a possible relationship. Such as not being completely over ex.
3. Some people aren't available because of other things going on in their life.
 sweetpe4u
Joined: 11/4/2013
Msg: 57
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/21/2013 11:20:22 AM
That is completely normal. Most of the interactions you will have with these people will inevitably end in single first meets. Second time is a date and it will only happen if there was/is continued mutual attraction and interest for/from BOTH of you. It really progresses from this point.

If you get a first meet, that's great. Don't put too much stock into anything until you actually meet. Even when you do meet, chances are you will enjoy brief conversation over a drink and that'll be the extent of it. If however, you are interested, ask when you can see her again, preferably toward the end. She will let you know if it's mutual. Always thank someone for their time in a quick text that evening regardless.
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 58
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/21/2013 12:12:04 PM

I had 3 dates last week. Some went ok, one went great. Nothing to show for it though. No 2nd……Sometimes I wonder if I'm mis representing myself. But hey, I have like 8 pics online.


What did you expect to “show for it,” a wife?

If you’re meeting women from online, you’re going on “meets,” not “dates.” These women are total strangers to you, how do you consider seeing someone for the first time a “date.” Complete strangers sizing each other up for the first time is NOT a date.

Try “dating” women you know. Someone you know you actually want to spend time with, who actually wants to spend time with you. THAT’S called a date.

Maybe if people had more realistic expectations they wouldn’t feel so disappointed over nothing.
 usmale6
Joined: 9/14/2013
Msg: 59
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/21/2013 1:18:39 PM
Like I said in my first post, I'd need to hear a detailed story of one of these first meets to see if you are doing something wrong.

That said, most first meets don't go to a second date... a woman only knows if she is really attracted to a man after she meets him, and many won't be attracted, so fewer 2nd dates is natural. We are strangers until we meet.

I can see one thing you are doing wrong, however. It used to be that men would have to call for a second date to see if the woman was still interested in him. But due to new technology, things have changed. Today, it's too easy for women to message a man on an online dating site or text after a date, and if they are low maintenance and actually interested, they will. So, I would not call for a second date unless they contact you first, within a week. Knowing this will soften or reduce rejection for you (by not having to call and get an in-your-face rejection).
 Seki1949
Joined: 9/4/2013
Msg: 60
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Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/21/2013 3:33:29 PM

Lack of attraction won't change by spending more time with someone.


I have seen spending more money work wonders!
 sweetpe4u
Joined: 11/4/2013
Msg: 61
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/21/2013 3:54:55 PM

You went on 50 dates and still managed to find something wrong with 47 of the guys. And you think this is normal. It's about as normal as driving on the wrong side of the highway and passing by 50 cars still without realizing that you are in fact , on the wrong side of the highway


Yes 50 dates is a lot but you will still have to meet a hell of a lot of people. Even if you try to screen people through email/text/phone, nothing is real until a meet and you go from there. Be cordial and polite if there's no chemistry and then wish the person good luck on their search as you continue with yours. You can easily set up another meet with 20-25 people or as someone else mentioned 50 to 100 and would only have a second/third dates with a succeedingly smaller fraction of them.
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 62
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Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/21/2013 4:05:26 PM
It seems like everyone here believes in this mythical "instant chemistry" thing. Personally, I have NEVER felt instant chemistry with anyone. While I've never dated, there are some women that I have been around, and over a period of time began to feel chemistry with them. Of course, it was obviously only I who was feeling that chemistry. Be that as it may, my experience tells me that chemistry takes time to build up.
 -Flying-
Joined: 10/31/2013
Msg: 63
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/21/2013 4:13:38 PM
sweetpe4u


Yes 50 dates is a lot but you will still have to meet a hell of a lot of people. Even if you try to screen people through email/text/phone, nothing is real until a meet and you go from there. Be cordial and polite if there's no chemistry and then wish the person good luck on their search as you continue with yours. You can easily set up another meet with 20-25 people or as someone else mentioned 50 to 100 and would only have a second/third dates with a succeedingly smaller fraction of them.


Sorry that's wrong. Don't try and justify this hopeless romantics antics. This is 50 guys who passed the online pre-screen ! This wasn't 50 blind dates. She is hopeless and she needs to get sorted. Maybe she needs her hormone levels checked to...
 usmale6
Joined: 9/14/2013
Msg: 64
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/21/2013 4:17:39 PM
50 dates sounds pretty normal to me. Evan as a man, I've had about 35 before finding a match. It's like trying to find a needle in a haystack.
 -Flying-
Joined: 10/31/2013
Msg: 65
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/21/2013 4:22:02 PM
Fleuron

What did you expect to “show for it,” a wife?


Lol no. But how about another date after the ice is broken maybe.... It wasn't a blind date. Usually daters know a decent amount about the person before they meet for real. Or how about keeping contact and meeting each other on the weekend when we are both out with our friends ? And I am only talking about the good dates.

But no no... The guy didn't sweep the girl up in this vortex of chivalry and romance so that means there was no chemistry. If someone just doesn't look it, then I understand, but I've heard from daters that sometimes the looks aren't an issue at all yet there was "no chemistry"
 aanarchist
Joined: 8/23/2013
Msg: 66
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/21/2013 4:22:06 PM
She expected to feel a spark meaning she believes in the instant chemistry myth meaning she is immature and slightly deluded. Phew bro you dodged a bullet there, move on to the next. Maybe you should write in your profile or ask them about their thoughts on instant chemistry so you know if you're wasting your time before the date. The thing is a lot of women are dumb as hell and expect a man to be like an amusement park full of thrill rides. If she wants exciting she can go to the movies or hook up with another player who can game her, you're here to build a relationship from the ground up not to entertain her puny mind. Honestly I would wanna make sure to at least find out a few character values of a person before meeting them. If they expect the first date to be full of sparks and romance then she is not mentally or emotionally capable of a mature functional relationship.
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 67
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/21/2013 4:39:59 PM
Very interesting with women who have been on close to 100 "dates" and except for 2 or 3, there was no second date. I get the online thing where you email a few times, talk a couple times on the phone and still need to meet in person. I totally get that those initial things are no guarantees. But 100 dates and maybe 2 second dates?

My opinion and question is are the women that have many dates but really no second dates, are their "attractions" consistent of the people they are initially interested in? I mean, we all have thing that are attractive to us individually. If a person has initial interest and they have looked at 100 profiles that they actually wanted to date, seems like there has to be a common denominator in a percentage of them. Maybe a lot has to be looked into as far as what traits are possibly consistent and maybe a person thinks they "want" that type of person but having no interest in the other after the fact, maybe the red flags are flashing over and over and not listened to.
 -Flying-
Joined: 10/31/2013
Msg: 68
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/21/2013 5:10:26 PM
a anarchist

Well put. It's funny how the 1st few responses here actually seen nothing wrong the the 50 date chic. When in reality , any woman who is anywhere near 50 dates before they go on a 2nd has some character or maturity issues. And these ppl screw it up for the normal ppl
 sweetpe4u
Joined: 11/4/2013
Msg: 69
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/21/2013 5:22:09 PM
I can speak from my own experience so far, I've used dating sites on and off for 5 years have met at least 30 men. I went on second dates with 6, but most were just first meets that had no mutual interest. I don't know anything about sparks but if there is no MUTUAL attraction after the first meet, I'd rather not waste my time or theirs on a date.
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 70
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Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/21/2013 6:30:30 PM

aanarchist wrote:

She expected to feel a spark meaning she believes in the instant chemistry myth meaning she is immature and slightly deluded. Phew bro you dodged a bullet there, move on to the next. Maybe you should write in your profile or ask them about their thoughts on instant chemistry so you know if you're wasting your time before the date. The thing is a lot of women are dumb as hell and expect a man to be like an amusement park full of thrill rides. If she wants exciting she can go to the movies or hook up with another player who can game her, you're here to build a relationship from the ground up not to entertain her puny mind. Honestly I would wanna make sure to at least find out a few character values of a person before meeting them. If they expect the first date to be full of sparks and romance then she is not mentally or emotionally capable of a mature functional relationship.


You're spot on their aanarchist. I suspect that this is why truly mature intelligent women want (and need) to take things slowly. They understand that it takes time to ignite the flames of love and romance. The young and immature have OBVIOUSLY been watching way too many James Bond flicks, and don't understand that there is a huge difference between Hollywood fantasy and real life.
 chill78
Joined: 10/13/2013
Msg: 71
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/21/2013 7:22:35 PM
If I had 50-100 first dates / meetings and only wanted a 2nd date with 3 of them, at the very least I would reevaluate my selection process. Going out on a second date doesn't mean that I'm going to marry them. LOL.


I agree. This might happen because a person has unrealistic expectations.
 drivingharmony2
Joined: 6/23/2013
Msg: 72
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/21/2013 7:48:37 PM
==As another poster noted, a great first date is no guarantee of anything. As Sweetpe4U noted, "if there is no mutual attraction after the first meet" no need to waste anyone's time. I completely agree. We are all adults here. I would expect many/most if not all men/women on online dating have had some sort of relationship so they know what
chemistry/attraction feels like.
==The shortest date I have been on was 90 minutes and we knew there was mutual attraction. Attraction/chemistry starts the ball rolling and of course, ultimately, it's not the end all-be all. But it needs to be there in the early stages, at least for me. When my ex-husband and I met, there was mutual attraction almost immediately. Sure, we are divorced now (total 23 years together) but not the point. I have had several second/third dates with mutual attraction all established during the initial meeting. I have had first dates where guys did not ask for a second date albeit I was hoping they would, hence, they were not "feeling attraction/chemistry." I just move on. If a guy is not "feeling it" for
me on the first date, I'm not thinking "he didn't give it enough time, he must be immature or emotionally incapable of having a functional relationship." That makes me laugh just typing it..... :)
==
I am sure there are plenty of guys who won't go after a second date if he does not feel some sort of attraction on the first date. But I don't think these guys necessarily lack any intelligence because of it. I would be curious to hear from men/women if they went out on a first date (no attraction) but decided to try a second date (was there attraction then?)
I am just curious as to how many dates does it take to feel attraction.....or allow me to word it this way....how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
 chill78
Joined: 10/13/2013
Msg: 73
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/21/2013 8:15:47 PM
IMO physical attraction and chemistry aren't necessarily the same thing. I can find a woman to be good looking. But there isn't instant chemistry between us. Like another posters have mentioned, it can because 2 people are still virtual strangers or at least one of them is somewhat introverted or nervous during a first date. Sometimes chemistry can ( not always though ) develop on a second date when 2 people have spent additional time with each other.
 Archiver
Joined: 3/10/2013
Msg: 74
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/21/2013 8:48:36 PM
I don't believe in "a spark" or instant chemistry either. Chemistry is just lust, and is not a good indicator for a future relationship.

Instead, on first meeting look for compatibility and how well you relate and talk to each other. Do you find the other pleasing in appearance? Do you enjoy their company? That is really all you need to move on to the first date. If you insist upon finding the mythical spark, you may meet hundreds and reject them all. Silly you.
 aanarchist
Joined: 8/23/2013
Msg: 75
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/22/2013 3:49:31 AM
Archiver is right on the money but people don't learn that until they start to notice consistent bad results usually into their late 30s and up, and that's assuming they are mentally capable of so called light bulb moments.

drivingharmony you do have a good point and I believe it works both ways. You can't go on 50 dates hoping it'll just happen there has to be a base for a foundation to be built. The problem is many people don't have that. Real chemistry is something you build together aka how chemistry actually works, mixing elements together. While you are right that you can just tell at some point if it's a bad match, that's how it works for you because you have the experience to go off of and understand what a relationship actually is. Most women don't have the same tools that you do, they are literally expecting some sort of Hollywood style romance, you know, the ones that are complete nonsense and unrealistic and fail 99% of the time in real life.

I also don't think most people understand what the difference between attraction and an attractive person is. You can be so called "attracted" to someone and have them be a bad match, meaning they are not an attractive person to you (normally my argument for people is you don't know what an attractive person even is but that's another topic). The point is most people cannot make the call because they do not have the tools or experience to do so properly yet, aka immature. I have my own examples of each scenario where a person made a premature call both in and against my favor, and they were ultimately proven wrong. Initial chemistry is essentially lust, meaning not a viable indication of whether a person will make a good partner. The people who feel that they must have the hots on the first date well that's their decision and their right, just understand that they limit their chances of building something real.

imo the search order should go something like superficial compatibility> real compatibility> real attraction> chemistry. The first stage of compatibility should be in the messages before the meet so you know there's actually something there, similar goals and hobbies, ideas, whatever, the in person meetings you start sharing the deeper stuff to see if you are compatible as a couple. Attraction imo happens through sharing memories and new experiences, you grow to appreciate who the other person really is. I'd say you do that about the same time as checking for deeper compatibility, you gotta have fun while getting to know each other right?? After that comes true built chemistry slash relationship because you like who the person actually is, you want to be with them because you know and love who they are. Anyway I think my first 3 steps are done pretty much simultaneously with the first coming first and that is what builds chemistry assuming the other person has some of the character traits that I value in others, patience being one of them aka if you haven't learned anything about me and reject me then chances are you lack patience in most other aspects of life aka immature. At the same time you are right in that if you have the tools to see right off the bat that you are incompatible, then more power to you.


I bet 90% of people will have no idea wtf I am talking about, nor will they read between the lines in any way, such is life. Disagree with me? Good for you, its good to trust your own experiences and ideas and not that of others, keep it up.
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