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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Seemingly good first dates, no second dates      Home login  
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 drivingharmony2
Joined: 6/23/2013
Msg: 76
Seemingly good first dates, no second datesPage 4 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
^^^^^I get what you are saying. I may not agree with all of it 100 per cent because we have different experiences. I think some people will have no idea (WTF) regarding your post because it is so in depth and many are reading on their smart phone, as I did this morning and waited until I got on the lap top to respond. (big smile)
IMO, my search order goes something like this: superficial compatibility (agreed)> initial attraction/initial chemistry >general compatibility working toward =real attraction/real chemistry/real compatibility = real relationship :)
I will say, although I have no expectations on a first date, I always have that "hoping it will happen feeling...." :)
 aanarchist
Joined: 8/23/2013
Msg: 77
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/22/2013 6:35:13 PM
Hah I like your formula more than mine. I'm going to assume that your idea of initial chemistry and attraction goes more along the lines of "did I enjoy spending time with this person", in which case I agree wholeheartedly. Even if I was a perfect match with someone down to our appreciation of the duck song and ocd over posture, it would be hard to want a relationship if we didn't enjoy each others company lol.

you know you're pretty cool it's hard to believe that someone like you is still searching. Then again you know what you want and deserve and won't settle for less am I right? As it should be. Gives me hope that there might be a miss awesome holding out just for me as well hehe.
 drivingharmony2
Joined: 6/23/2013
Msg: 78
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/22/2013 8:36:05 PM
^^^^Well, thank you. :) Interestingly enough, I just came up with the formula tonight as I have never really took the time to think about it but that's about how it would go. Of course, initial attraction/chemistry would include enjoying the other person's company, in fact - conversation is key. Definitely a combination of physical attraction/conversational chemistry are important in the early stages. You know what? I do know what I want, what I deserve, what I offer and yes, I won't settle for less....as there is no need to. I will say, I cannot believe you are 22!
Definitely wise beyond your years :) There is a Miss Awesome holding out for you. Your sea is much bigger than mine....heehee
 -Flying-
Joined: 10/31/2013
Msg: 79
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/22/2013 10:40:11 PM
DrivingHarmony2

When you wrote " I won't settle for less", that's the clear reason why you are still single. You are still in the delusion that there is some perfect guy out there. There's not.
 drivingharmony2
Joined: 6/23/2013
Msg: 80
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/22/2013 10:57:57 PM
^^^^Really......good grief....my comment was in direct response and in context to the post above mine. I won't settle for less has nothing to do with someone being perfect. If that was the case, I would have clearly said, I won't settle for anything but perfect. I'm not delusional, far from it. You don't know me so I'll cut you some slack due to your lack of experience. FYI, I don't believe in fairy tales either. And I'll gladly move on to the next guy's profile. :)
 -Flying-
Joined: 10/31/2013
Msg: 81
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/23/2013 12:34:50 AM
DrivingHarmony2

Now now, no need to get cranky...
But to be honest , my hopeless romantic detector hasn't zero'd in on a clear signal but it's showing something. Your stated non belief in fairy tales notwithstanding. That comment on my profile about fairy tales appears to be doing its job. And I'll take those odds that I am entirely wrong.
 aanarchist
Joined: 8/23/2013
Msg: 82
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/23/2013 5:05:27 AM
How can people so middle aged be so uninformed?

Did you know that the instant chemistry factor tends to cool down or even end on average after 3 to 5 years, that after that you've got to add kindle to the flame or eventually it will go out? When your chemistry high wore off your relationship lost all value and that's when most relationships end. Humans crave novelty you don't just magically find one person and have it be perfect you have to put in work or it will end. Now your case might have had different circumstances, that doesn't change the fact that what I described is the norm, and you cannot make judgments based on outliers you've got to look at real facts. That last point also brings me to the statement that most people think they are the special one in a million, when in truth they are part of the masses(not that that's a bad thing it is what it is), aka delude themselves for a loooong time.

Flying talking about your big profits and then ending the profile with a zinger is sure to reel in the keepers, I'm rooting for you homie.
 Natas_75
Joined: 5/8/2013
Msg: 83
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/23/2013 5:56:54 AM
How can people so middle aged be so uninformed?


Ummm... At 22 exactly how long has your longest relationship been?

If you've seen the history of a lot of folks on here you'd notice many have been in relationships of 10 years or more, my own was 16. Of course initial attraction fades, that's a given, of course relationships take work to keep going, another obvious given. None of that means that a lasting relationship can't be built from initial attraction/chemistry. I think that start has to be there in order for people to want to put effort into making the relationship work. And yes, the start of my marriage was based on mutual lust.

As far as the original post, good meets are not great, I've met about 9 people over the past year, and there's a huge difference between a nice mediocre meet and one where the connection and conversation flows and your genuinely excited to see the person again. I've had a couple of those and when you experience the difference it's like "Oh... That's what it's supposed to be like..."
 Lexti
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 84
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/23/2013 7:04:44 AM
I'm with 3ffervescent on the spark/chemistry thing. I experienced it with the guy I'm with now. I went on a slew of dates prior. A few that I actually liked and a couple that led to 2nd and 3rd dates, but ended up not panning out. There was something missing. The spark/chemistry is nothing more than physical and intellectual attraction that is mutual from both parties. When it happens, you just know. There's no guessing or weighing the person you're with. It does exist, but finding it can be difficult.
 aanarchist
Joined: 8/23/2013
Msg: 85
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/23/2013 8:48:33 AM
Degrees are an indicator of one's ability to read books and pass tests, and flaunting them will usually get the opposite of the desired results. Proving your awesomeness through actions (or in this case talking like a person who is grounded and mature, speaking from a place of wisdom) is how you flaunt it. If your marriage worked for 13 years then you did something other than cruise off of your chemistry, that is what I advocate for others to do, aka be willing to work for it and not expect magical fairy farts to make everything work out. Your instant attraction only got the foot in the door and was not a valid indicator of whether or not that person was a match, hence today's relationship statistics and your reasoning is moot. Explaining your circumstances insinuates(?) That you feel the need to defend yourself meaning you felt that I had made a point that had a good point, or maybe you just felt like sharing your wisdom with a troubled youth hehe. you're right I do have sweet cheeks, two pairs of them :D


So hey on a serious note, what makes you say I'm tainted? Just wondering. I preach the acceptance of ones "darker" sides but I'd like to hear your take on it.
 -Flying-
Joined: 10/31/2013
Msg: 86
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/23/2013 9:47:17 AM
aanarchist

You have good takes man. As far as my profile goes, its all sarcasm. Not the zinger at the end but the money part.

And from what I can tell, most girls who go out of their way to message me or reply to me, don't read my profile. I have no issues with getting dates on here. Its the 2nd date that is the issue...Not sure of I should keep the zinger.
Cheers
 HonkyTonk_Woman
Joined: 9/16/2013
Msg: 87
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/23/2013 10:18:22 AM
Oh Boy...Another young man trying to tell "us" women/men, that believe in wanting to be attracted to their date....delusional or immature...when will it end?
Why do people feel the need to pigeon hole...others feelings as wrong or right?
To me...these people that are so definitive, are close-minded and making excuses for something they are lacking....imo.

I have discussed this with my friends...men and women....a few (like you) want to argue the point of "chemistry"...as la-la land but also will admit they need to feel "attracted"....physically for another date to happen.
Say what?


Did you know that the instant chemistry factor tends to cool down or even end on average after 3 to 5 years, that after that you've got to add kindle to the flame or eventually it will go out?

Pfft.....another smoke screen. All relationships need to be kindled to last...
All of my relationships started with chemistry.....2 lasted 17 years each(one divorce...one death).....one 2 years.
I don't know.....I want a man....who finds me attractive and desirable...who wouldn't? Yes, a good relationship can be built from mutual "attraction/chemistry/spark"......
 aanarchist
Joined: 8/23/2013
Msg: 88
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/23/2013 10:20:34 AM
My motto is always be true to oneself. I'd say there's a chance that you get good views and when they see a lot of references to money and a dose of negativity at the end combined with little to no description of who you actually are they'd feel less inclined to get to know you. The thing at the end might be off putting as it gives an impression that you're always dating dumb immature girls. Like if a woman says something like where are all the real men or tired of games, it tells a man instantly that she likely has issues and will want to stay away. Sarcasm, especially on text is hard to interpret depending on the context. When I use sarcasm whether in person or not I make sure to make it really obvious, and even then there's still a lot out there who wouldn't be able to notice.
 -Flying-
Joined: 10/31/2013
Msg: 89
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/23/2013 10:24:42 AM
Lexti

But you only went on 1st dates with a slew of guys. How do you know you weren't basing your decisions on the whims of your mood that day ? IE, you were in a bad mood on date 10 so date 10 got scratched but on date 12 you were in a better mood so that guy gets a 2nd. And guy 12 happened to be in a good mood that day so he made a good impression on you. When in reality, guy 10 could have been a better option if you just went on a 2nd or 3rd date to figure each other out more.

BTW effervecent, I counted " I " 51 times in your profile. If you had to be a guy for a week, you would be very hard pressed to get any messages from women.
 drivingharmony2
Joined: 6/23/2013
Msg: 90
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/23/2013 11:24:31 AM
As far as I can tell, most peeps would agree there is some form of chemistry/attraction on the initial meet/date whether it be physical/mental, but clearly you must enjoy the other person's company in order for a 2nd date to go forward. Some need more physical attraction (like myself), some need mental part. Everyone has their own description of what attraction/chemistry is to them.
=====
Flying: I could easily sit here and say - wow! I know why you are still single, you cannot even get a 2nd date. Hmmm, perhaps, something must be wrong with your personality. I mean I have only been out in the dating world for a little over 2 years and I have had plenty of dates, including 2nd/3rd and so on.....Maybe the girls you have had the 1st dates with realize they would be settling for less if they had a 2nd date with you? But you know what, I'm not going to say that to you. You know why? Because most people need to date many, many people before finding the "perfect fit" for them.
No one is perfect, but when you find a match, it's perfect for them. You said you get plenty of dates but can't seem to get it to the 2nd date, why do you think that is? You would probably say it's the girls who want the fairy tale which you cannot provide. I say bullshit. I am going to your defense now by saying, it's just not a mutual match. Period. It does not mean you are less worthy than the girl you have the date with....it's just the attraction/chemistry is not there. My prediction for you - you will find someone and both of you will be mutually attracted to each other early on and will get past the 2nd date. Please note, experience is everything. Each date you go on that does not result in another date, hopefully makes you better for the next one. And I mean this in a positive way.
===And as far as the question you posed to Lexti, I will put my 2 cents in. It's almost as if you are implying men/women should automatically have 2 or more dates because who knows, one of them could have been in bad mood on the 1st date. Oh geez. Sure, both parties could agree to do that, but if one doesn't, who is to say that's wrong or right.
First impressions mean a lot.
===
I just happened to read a local guy's profile and in his first date box, it notes "let's meet for a quick drink. There's got to be chemistry."
Hmmmmm? (insert raised eyebrow and big smile)
 VeronicaZen
Joined: 11/2/2013
Msg: 91
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/23/2013 1:13:54 PM
This is not the real world, I understand how you feel the whole premise of online dating is just not natural.
That being said, the first meeting should not count as a "date." I have met people and was able to tell they were not for me, not because there was anything wrong with them.. I just didn't feel it:)
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 92
view profile
History
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/23/2013 1:22:30 PM
I agree with "Cowboy" about knowing within a few minutes if you are attracted to that person or not. While sitting there talking and having a drink, my mind and body will tell me if I would enjoy kissing this person, or being sexual with her, and if it is mutual, we continue, and if not, I will have that shot of Patron with you Cowboy!!

The key is mutual attraction, mutual chemistry, and then mutual compatibility, if you really want a lasting relationship. Missing any one of those three things will get you to looking for the next potential person that may enter your life.

Mutual attraction will get you enjoyable dates, and fun together......mutual chemistry will make love making that much better and creating the desire to see them more and more, want them more and more, and enjoy them more and more........and mutual compatibility will determine if you can actually sustain a long term relationship and keep the other two fires burning.

cd
 Lexti
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 93
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/23/2013 2:02:32 PM

Lexti

But you only went on 1st dates with a slew of guys. How do you know you weren't basing your decisions on the whims of your mood that day ? IE, you were in a bad mood on date 10 so date 10 got scratched but on date 12 you were in a better mood so that guy gets a 2nd. And guy 12 happened to be in a good mood that day so he made a good impression on you. When in reality, guy 10 could have been a better option if you just went on a 2nd or 3rd date to figure each other out more.


This is just silly. I don't go on dates based on my mood. If I'm in a bad mood, I don't go on the date at all. In order to get a date in the first place, I need feel some sort of appeal or attraction through the initial communication - personality, looks, etc. So when I go on these dates, I'm hopeful and looking forward to it. Some of the dates did go on to 2nd and 3rds, but like I said, it didn't pan out. We ended up not being compatible.

The difference with this guy is that, not only was the physical attraction there, but I felt completely at ease with him. He spoke openly about how he felt, what he was thinking, he just put himself right out there. In turn, for me, it made it easier to do the same. The connection was effortless and THAT is what creates "the spark".

Cowboy and c_deacon are wise men. Try to comprehend what they're telling you.
 -Flying-
Joined: 10/31/2013
Msg: 94
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/23/2013 5:21:09 PM
Harmony Lexti John Wayne et al...

I understand what all of you are saying. Obviously there is certain dates where one or both parties are not attracted to each other. To what extent I don't know. But for anyone not to concede that there is a certain percentage of women in the dating scene that are there for the wrong reasons. Some probably get overwhelmed when Mr right does come around. Or they subconsciously aren't ready for a relationship so they just go on 1st dates to no end. This makes it hard for guys to gauge what they are doing right and and they are doing wrong. And I simply don't have time or energy to waste on these kind of women. I'm sorry but 50 dates for a woman is too many. If not then what is ? 200 ?

I had this one girl ask me at the end of the date. So what are you thinking about us ? She let her guard down. I told her that I had a good time, I didn't divulge too much interest because with her, I felt like she was giving me the luxury of some time to think about it. Then we had a very affectionate hug , she was melting. The following days ? Nothing. Nada , zilch. And I had this other date with someone that went well but the next day she was giving me these lame one word answers. I assumed it meant, she ain't interested. Then a month later I texted her cuz I was board and she was like "so after a month , you finally get back to me ?" Umm no lady, I got back to you the next day and you didn't seem interested. Then I tried to reinitiate and she ignored me again. Signals are getting crossed up uggh . I guess it happens when you are so skeptical
 Lexti
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 95
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/24/2013 6:58:48 AM
It's not a certain percentage of "women", it's a certain percentage of PEOPLE. Who are you to say how many is TOO MANY dates for someone to find what they are really looking for? Should they just settle for someone they aren't really attracted to or don't feel a connection to just because they've reached the status quo or preset amount? That's silly.

It's sounds to me like you're relying too much on text communication. Did you text the "melting" girl following your date, or did you just sit around and wait for a text from her? She already asked what you thought. Maybe she was leaving it up to you to make the next move. You got lame one word answers from the other girl. Why didn't you pick up the phone and call her so you could hear her tone and discuss a second date if she sounded interested?? Signals are crossed up because you are relying on a half assed form of communication to tell you whether or not your dates are interested in future possibilities. Quit texting and playing guessing games and TALK to the people you're interested in.
 aanarchist
Joined: 8/23/2013
Msg: 96
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/24/2013 9:47:06 AM
Observation: one's tolerance over their number of dates is a direct indicator of a combination of one's patience and expectations, as well ad their ability to manage both in a reasonable manner. Meaning if you start whining about It taking too long then chances are you lack character virtues like patience in ever other aspect of your life. In doing so you automatically stunt your ability to succeed due to proceeding in said activity in an ungrounded manner. That being said I wouldn't wanna wait 100s of dates either because I don't just hit on every girl I see I put thought into who I give my energy to. And 100s of bad dates would show a lack of an ability to choose on my part, aka there's still some road to walk before I'm ready for a good relationship.
 drivingharmony2
Joined: 6/23/2013
Msg: 97
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/24/2013 10:04:22 AM
^^^^^But note, you are still young! While I have no doubt you will find someone, being at your age and knowing there's a wide open ocean out there, don't be surprised it could take years before you find the ONE? In the meantime, you have fun getting to know women via dating. I would not be surprised if in a few years you could be still posting here noting you are on your 400th date.....but if you were still here and I saw you, that means I'm still here, too.
Ughhhh....hahahaha! :) So, I don't think the number of dates is an issue, I agree with Lexti on this one. Think about it....if you are on the 400th date, you must be patient....?
 -Flying-
Joined: 10/31/2013
Msg: 98
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/24/2013 11:11:49 AM
Lexti

Who am I to say ? I'm just using basic logic. If you go on 500 first dates and felt "no attraction" then your expectations for "attraction" are too high or you are simply delusional. Or is 500 first dates perfectly acceptable to you ? Also, at some point, your hormones should play a part and you should eventually want to be in the presence of the opposite sex on a higher level then a first date setting. Considering it would take a date per week per year to reach 50 dates. Even just 25 years ago, people didn't have the chance to meet endless prospects to find the "perfect warmy feeling" on a first date.

Do you think the parents of the baby boomer generation went on 50 dates with people after the second World War ended to find their "perfect 1st date" partner ? Nope. They likely went for the first one or 2 single people that they came across. And no generation has had a lower divorce rate since. That simply proves that people these days, mainly women, have way too high of expectations, without even realizing it.
 ae86drift
Joined: 10/21/2013
Msg: 99
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/24/2013 11:19:19 AM
All you need to do is invite her over to your place, watch some movie, make out and stuff etc.... hahaha
 aanarchist
Joined: 8/23/2013
Msg: 100
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/24/2013 12:59:55 PM
Flying the way I see it is 500 dates with no matches is a sign that the person's choosing mechanism is malfunctioning. Btw part of the reason why people weren't as picky back then was because the values and wants back then were different, and the internet didn't exist so the world was much smaller. Also the corperate machine encouraged early marriage back then because people weren't procreating as much outside of it. Nowadays the generations move on whether stable families exist or not. The low divorce rate can he partially attributed to the fact that divorce was tabooish at the time, you were expected to be smart in your choice and women rarely married for the excitement factor, favoring suitors who could manage a family. I have seen an article showing that women today are on average less happy than they were back then. You can thank the feminist movement for that because they shamed a lot of women out of family values and into the workplace. When you have tons of options it's nice, but when you get pushed into using options you didn't even want it's going to lead to problems. I'm gonna stop there because the number of factors to go through is nuts and most people aren't moved by debate no matter the argument.


I feel like inflation of the human consciousness is part of the issue. We're evolving quickly as a species so what we want and expect out of life becomes a bigger basket to fill. Things that would make a person happy 200 years ago, like a comfortable living and a good family nowadays is considered a boring and unfulfilling life. Back when i was 10 all i wanted was to be able to play pokemon on my game boy and now i want super hd quality gaming and a complete home gym with a cute girl wearing blue striped underwear giving me a post workout massage lol. The more we grow and the more we the people expect out of life the more we have to work for it. most have the entitlement bug and don't believe in working for anything, preferring it handed to them, and therein lies the disconnect we face today. I think one tool people would do well to use is to practice being grateful. Life now compared to back then is a joke, hell people can make their living doing dumb things on youtube. Be grateful for the good things in your life, and I have a feeling that will result in a much easier time in finding a mate.
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