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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Seemingly good first dates, no second dates      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 -Flying-
Joined: 10/31/2013
Msg: 101
Seemingly good first dates, no second datesPage 5 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
aanarchist

To make a long response short, I'll direct you to this article. Just Goog "Sex Sells And The Japanese Are Buying": A Look At Japan's Love Industry." This is where these single women and their 50-100 dates are taking us. This is an excerpt from the article.
50% of Japanese women 18-34 are single
More than 60% of Japanese men 18-34 are single

And yes the world was different before the invention of the internet and just after the 2nd world war but these events in an evolutionary context amount to almost nothing.
 Lexti
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 102
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/24/2013 1:27:43 PM

If you go on 500 first dates and felt "no attraction" then your expectations for "attraction" are too high or you are simply delusional.


Here you go adding zeroes. Originally, you said 50 first dates was too much for a girl to go on. Now to reiterate, you've bumped the number to 500. Let's not get unrealistic here. And you keep saying "First Dates". Not all are going to be first dates only. The first date is just to solidify whether or not this is something you want to pursue further. Follow up dates lead to getting to know someone better and whether or not you and your lifestyles, beliefs, etc. are compatible. It took 14 dates/meets etc. before I met my guy. I saw other posters post as much as 30 and 70 dates before they found a match. My point is that if you are going to limit yourself to the "number", then you are doing yourself a disservice.

It's about the quality, not the quantity, and knowing what you want, what you're looking for, etc. I was my guy's FIRST and only date/meet from online dating. One could say he's deluding himself and should keep his options open and date more people to be sure. I asked him that very question myself. He said he has no reason to keep looking. He's found what he was looking for. It takes both sides to be confident in the match for it to work, and sometimes that can be more difficult than it seems.
 -Flying-
Joined: 10/31/2013
Msg: 103
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/24/2013 2:54:56 PM
Lex

You are implying that I am saying you should be able to go on X amount of dates before you find "the one". I am not saying that at all. I am saying you should be able to go on X amount of dates and find ONE that is worthy of at least a SECOND date. Just a second date.... Not love, marriage and babies.

What is your cut off where you would say the person expectations issues or just issues in general ? What is the number ?

I would say if anyone went on 20 to 25 dates and not one was worthy of a 2nd date is in la la land. How many cars or houses do you look at before you find one that is worth a second visit ? 50 ? Lol..... Apologies in advance for being so "shallow" as to compare houses or cars to relationships.

You know why your guy was his FIRST and only meet/date ? Because you decided to go on a 2nd date with him. I'm not sure that you understand the roles each gender is playing here. My FIRST date after I dumped my X was worthy of a 2nd date in my books. But unlike your guy, she didn't want a 2nd.
 IrishNurseinNY
Joined: 11/18/2013
Msg: 104
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/24/2013 4:29:52 PM

A lot of times, the girl even offers to buy my drink. To which I politely decline, but if she insists, then I'll accept it.


And this is why there are no second dates! I don't want to go out with a man I need to take care of. Why are they offering to buy your drink? Throw down a $20 - buy 2 drinks and be done with it :-)
 Ladyinred4755
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 105
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/24/2013 5:23:25 PM
This is not like meeting someone in real life and going on a date! These are people that you have never actually really seen in most cases.
LOL, unlike Cowboy, the men I have met, (LOL many) I recognized them from their profile pics. They looked like what I thought they would look like. However, regardless of how much or how little, communication there was prior to actually meeting in person, regardless of the visual recognition, approx. 90% of the first meets, the REAL thing, acts and speaks for its self, no pun intended. The tone of the voice, the words used, the subject of conversation, politeness, respect, good manners, charm, humor, all of it. I either feel comfortable with it or I don't.
Some "meets" were "one and done", others led to second dates. Some led to dating 5-6 weeks. Some led to dating exclusively for 6-7 months. ............................There is no magic cut off number. No expiration date. Be patient, be positive, be honest to yourself for what you want, and HAVE FUN along the way!
Do you think the parents of the baby boomer generation went on 50 dates with people after the second World War ended to find their "perfect 1st date" partner ? Nope. They likely went for the first one or 2 single people that they came across. And no generation has had a lower divorce rate since.
Edit: LOL, After reading several posts, prior to mine I just have to add. I am a baby boomer. My mother never dated any man but my father, they got married because she was pregnant for me, and she stayed married for 38 years too long, for all the wrong reasons. Enough said.
 Lexti
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 106
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/24/2013 6:05:01 PM

You know why your guy was his FIRST and only meet/date ? Because you decided to go on a 2nd date with him. I'm not sure that you understand the roles each gender is playing here. My FIRST date after I dumped my X was worthy of a 2nd date in my books. But unlike your guy, she didn't want a 2nd.


Because I decided to go on a 2nd date with him?? Lol. I'm not sure YOU understand. That's NOT how it works, kid. There has to be a MUTUAL physical and emotional attraction, as well as a common ground in what you are both looking for. And just because YOU thought your first date was worthy of 2nd, doesn't mean anything. She obviously wasn't feeling you like that and you misread the signals. I've been on several dates where the guy thought things were going great when in reality, I was just waiting for the date to end.

Are you hearing what me and Cowboy are trying to tell you??
 -Flying-
Joined: 10/31/2013
Msg: 107
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/24/2013 8:47:23 PM
That's the 3rd time you responded without answering the question. Since you can't answer it, I will assume its around 40 or 50.

It telling that you leave your profile up with pictures when you aren't even single anymore. And its even more telling that your partner accepts it if he even knows. But he might know and not even care because he doesn't see you as long term material anyway. I'll explain....

I am quite aware that there has to be MUTUAL attraction. Sorry if this is hard on your heart but just because he went for you on his first date doesn't carry nearly the same weight in his mind as the reasons why you went for him. Baring any major deal breakers (drug addiction, 5 kids ect) he may have ok'd almost anyone who resembled their pics that went for him. This is what I mean about your misunderstanding of gender roles. You think he screened you to the same extent that you screened him on the 1st date but that's not how it works. He has you where he wants you. He's making his decision now while he enjoys your company.

But you are deluded into thinking that he is as sure of it from the 1st date as you are.
 -Flying-
Joined: 10/31/2013
Msg: 108
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/24/2013 8:58:01 PM
Ladyinred


Edit: LOL, After reading several posts, prior to mine I just have to add. I am a baby boomer. My mother never dated any man but my father, they got married because she was pregnant for me, and she stayed married for 38 years too long, for all the wrong reasons. Enough said.


So your Mom got pregnant. Must have been some attraction there...And he was the 1st date your Mom ever had. Sorry to hear that it didn't work out with your parents but on average, more of those marriages lasted longer then any generation since.

My point still stands.
 drivingharmony2
Joined: 6/23/2013
Msg: 109
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/24/2013 9:04:41 PM
It telling that you leave your profile up with pictures when you aren't even single anymore

Good grief Flying......Lexti's profile CLEARLY says she is not single/not looking. Furthermore, her profile CLEARLY notes she is here for forums. A lot of people keep their profile up strictly for forums. Period.
======
You cannot make blanket statements in which you have no idea on what you are talking about. Seriously, your rambling is actually quite comical. To make assumptions about what her man is thinking is extremely juvenile on your part. However,
more of those marriages lasted longer then any generation since
is probably an accurate statement but I wonder how many of those marriages were happy? But, I guess that doesn't matter, right?
 Seki1949
Joined: 9/4/2013
Msg: 110
view profile
History
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/24/2013 9:08:54 PM
Boomer here: Many of my Aunts and Uncles were of the 'Greatest Generation', stayed married unto death and hated each other for much of the time. If they started drinking on a Saturday night and you were old enough to have options it was a good time to clear the house. The younger kids had to stay at home and listen to it all. Your friends were also fleeing their own happy houses.

Alcohol makes bad marriages tolerable (if they don't kill each one another in a drunken rage.) Exhibit A: Spade Cooley for you old timers.

An interesting math exercise is to compare the marriage date with the birthdate of the first born. There were an awful lot of preemies in the Good Old Days. There's an old saying, 'The first one takes seven, the rest take nine."
 Seki1949
Joined: 9/4/2013
Msg: 111
view profile
History
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/24/2013 9:25:37 PM

Must have been some attraction there...


Maybe (often just on one side), but there was a general horniness then that you are incapable of understanding. Young men and women were rarely alone, self-service was a sin, and families needed the income of the young man to help support the new baby.

I caught the tail end of this culture (there was a reason drive-ins were popular) and was lucky not to have ended up in a loveless marriage with no education beyond high school as the army would have vacuumed me up to go kill strangers the minute I dropped out of community college to support the 'our little preemie.'

Once in a great while I get caught present during a discussion "Tell us about your first." Stars and Flowers, Angels Singing in the Heaven. I have nothing to say; it a desperate act of wanton lust.

You have no idea what you are talking about and you are becoming rude.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 112
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/24/2013 10:22:13 PM

I would say if anyone went on 20 to 25 dates and not one was worthy of a 2nd date is in la la land.

That can happen. But if it takes on average 25 first-meets/dates to be able to find one you want a 2nd date with -- I would say "Quit going out with girls who have no pics!" :) That could happen in that scenario.

Essentially, they are not being too choosy when it comes to meeting a gal for the first time... OR they're looking worse than their real profile and the girl doesn't want to.

In essence, make your choosing Good. Don't waste your time on "Well, there's a 10% chance she could be way better looking than her pics... she seems really cool regardless..." or "Not great looking... doable but not datable. Maybe I can get a piece."

Second, be what you represent. Make sure your profile doesn't look Way better than you in person. Make your profile good, but you in person, if anything, Better.

Okay... now when you choose to go out -- don't play chasing games of girls who aren't that interested, to Squeeze a date out. Your chances of getting a Real 2nd date will be low, and even if you do, most likely a waste of time.

Altogether, just top-of-head assumption, out of 20 first-meets where TO meet them means they're more than just Merely attractive enough for a Sober 2nd Date + Solidly Compatible in where they are in life, as far as datable is concerned, both ways:
- 5 won't be as good looking as their pics. With a good eye of their pics online, and getting decent/revealing ones upon request before ever meeting -- it should never really be much higher than 1 out of 4.
- 2 won't be physically attracted to you enough, even though you're as good looking or better looking by most eyes. Girls can be real picky, and when meeting you, you were borderline anyway in their eyes.
- 4 will like it, but they have a better prospect on deck (ex or guy they're talking to)... or one just around the corner they may not even know about who is about to trump you real quick.
- 5 will see you as not their type, not feeling it, OR just have mediocre interest going into it and after, and/or the same type of thing for you, too.

4/20 -> It's all good for a 2nd date, without any chasing or twisting anyone's arms to do so -- whether it be your own arm or their arm!
 -Flying-
Joined: 10/31/2013
Msg: 113
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/24/2013 11:15:05 PM

To make assumptions about what her man is thinking is extremely juvenile on your part. However,

I'm just telling you how a lot of men think in that situation. That wasn't something I said just to be snide. Do you think men, who are playing the 20 to 50 to 100 odds game are just going to write off one of the women that gives them some of their time over some touchy/feely/chemistry thing ? Nope. Absent any major deal breakers, they will take their time deciding before they write them off and start from rock bottom at date # 1 again.

And by what metric do you want to measure success and failures of relationships ? Sure, I bet there is generations preceding the greatest generation that had "happier" relationships. But the proceeding generations still had more divorces probably because they had too high of expectations.
 Lexti
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 114
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/25/2013 5:06:13 AM

It telling that you leave your profile up with pictures when you aren't even single anymore. And its even more telling that your partner accepts it if he even knows. But he might know and not even care because he doesn't see you as long term material anyway. I'll explain....

I am quite aware that there has to be MUTUAL attraction. Sorry if this is hard on your heart but just because he went for you on his first date doesn't carry nearly the same weight in his mind as the reasons why you went for him. Baring any major deal breakers (drug addiction, 5 kids etc) he may have ok'd almost anyone who resembled their pics that went for him. This is what I mean about your misunderstanding of gender roles. You think he screened you to the same extent that you screened him on the 1st date but that's not how it works. He has you where he wants you. He's making his decision now while he enjoys your company.


This whole thing is laughable at best. It's quite amusing to have some 29yr old who can't get a 2nd date try to school me on dating and relationships. Let me explain what happens with GROWN people. We don't text and GUESS each other's reactions, thoughts, feelings We actually TALK, on the phone, in person, etc. We discuss what we're looking for, what we want in a relationship, and our current lives and situations. What happens in REAL relationships when you have established communication is understanding and trust. True story. In case you didn't realize, there are MANY members here with a profile who are in serious LT relationships or married. If you are one of those that couldn't accept it, you may have some insecurities you need to look into. Most have met their mate right here on the site. Again, it is YOU who is misunderstood, kid. If you had this thing all figured out, like you seem to claim, you wouldn't have made this thread now, would you?


I'm just telling you how a lot of men think in that situation.

This is even funnier. Who knew you represented most of the male population?? You are so WERY WERY wise in your 29 yrs.

By the way, I have 4 kids, not 5, and I'm considering sending him this dribble so he can have a good laugh.
 -Flying-
Joined: 10/31/2013
Msg: 115
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/25/2013 10:06:21 AM

This whole thing is laughable at best



Let me explain what happens with GROWN people.



have some insecurities



kid.



You are so WERY WERY wise in your 29 yrs.


Ad hominem attack is a general category of fallacies in which a claim or argument is rejected on the basis of some irrelevant fact about the author of or the person presenting the claim or argument. Ad hominem involves attacking the traits of an opponent as a means to invalidate their arguments. Equating someone's character with the soundness of their argument is a logical fallacy.

Still no answer on what you deem as an acceptable amount 1st dates for a woman.

Stay classy
 Lexti
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 116
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/25/2013 11:24:53 AM

Ad hominem attack is a general category of fallacies in which a claim or argument is rejected on the basis of some irrelevant fact about the author of or the person presenting the claim or argument. Ad hominem involves attacking the traits of an opponent as a means to invalidate their arguments. Equating someone's character with the soundness of their argument is a logical fallacy.


Good answer, Pot.

It telling that you leave your profile up with pictures when you aren't even single anymore. And its even more telling that your partner accepts it if he even knows. But he might know and not even care because he doesn't see you as long term material anyway. You think he screened you to the same extent that you screened him on the 1st date but that's not how it works. He has you where he wants you. He's making his decision now while he enjoys your company.

^^Remember this??


Still no answer on what you deem as an acceptable amount 1st dates for a woman.


I have answered this REPEATEDLY, but comprehension doesn't seem to be your strong point.

There IS NO pre-determined amount of acceptable 1st dates. Every person, every situation is DIFFERENT, and NO ONE can set a standard or amount for what is acceptable to someone else. If it makes YOU happy, then set YOUR limit, but don't try to define what amount is acceptable for everyone else in your VAST experience in online dating. Clear enough now??
 -Flying-
Joined: 10/31/2013
Msg: 117
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/25/2013 11:58:48 AM

You think he screened you to the same extent that you screened him on the 1st date but that's not how it works.



^^Remember this??


Yes I remember that and I stand by the statement. It was not meant to offend in any way. It is naive to think that men have the same thoughts and reasoning's going through their head as women in these situations.

If a guy decides to go on a 2nd date with you, it means you passed a very basic deal breaker test. Nothing more, nothing less, in most cases. Ask your male friends. Men think more so on the logical plane. Women think more so on the emotional plane. This is the context you should be interpreting the above statement in.
 Lexti
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 118
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/25/2013 12:11:31 PM

Men think more so on the logical plane. Women think more so on the emotional plane.


Hahaha. Tell that to the men who thought we were a perfect match before they even knew what my last name was . I hate to tell you this , but this is a deluded way of thinking and soo off. Your problem is that you keep trying to group the entire sexes into one category of behavior. Spend a little more time reading the forums, and you'll see just how vastly different people's attitudes and thoughts regarding relationships and dating really are. If you yourself were thinking "logically" instead of "emotionally", then you would've read the signs that your first dates were not as into you as you thought, don't 'cha think??
 -Flying-
Joined: 10/31/2013
Msg: 119
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/25/2013 1:03:42 PM

It is so often exactly the opposite that no generalization is valid.


You are entitled to your own opinion, but not your own facts.

[T]he male brain experiences an acid flush about three months into gestation damaging the corpus callosum, or intermediary between the two hemispheres. This makes women more prone to move around between hemispheres, and men more prone to focus cognitive energy to areas of the brain consistently. Furthermore, the caudate nucleus, ventral tegmental area (VTA), limbic system, are shown to be up to three times larger and far more active in the female brain than in the male brain. The combined over influence from emotional centers of the brain together with the propensity to move around frenetically between hemispheres, leads to a more emotional state.

And why would nature build women in such a manner? Because, in accordance with CH axioms, nature has designed women to be more emotionally prone for the (main) purpose of child rearing.
 heybabaganoush
Joined: 7/20/2013
Msg: 120
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/25/2013 2:07:17 PM

You are entitled to your own opinion, but not your own facts.


Considering that quote of yours seems to only appear on tumblr and a few other blog posts with zero citations in medical literature, perhaps you should, I don't know, actually present some facts yourself, instead of pseudo-science.

baba
 blueprint770
Joined: 7/9/2012
Msg: 121
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/25/2013 3:06:32 PM
Maybe you didnt make her feel like you were really interested.
Maybe shes scared that you would be good for and shes doesnt Know
How to handle it.
These kind of behaviors Can sometime be suprising
 drivingharmony2
Joined: 6/23/2013
Msg: 122
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/25/2013 6:20:31 PM
The male brain experiences an acid flush about three months into gestation damaging the corpus callosum......and blah blah blah...refer to message #135.


GOOD GRIEF.....I just want to meet a guy for drinks which hopefully leads to dating which hopefully leads to a relationship. Geeeeeeez.......talk about acid flush.....no doubt......Maybe if SpongeBob said the same thing, it would be more interesting???? ;P
Z Z Z Z z z z z z z
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 123
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/25/2013 6:33:56 PM
I have heard if one watches enough SpongeBob, the urinal cranium and the endorphins it creates is really when second dates happen and actually, marriage is two weeks later. And during that period the moon and the sun are brighter then normal. Oh hell, just go meet someone for a drink if what you read and who you talk to a few times before meeting sounds good. Apologies to SpongeBob and demeaning his popularity with my grandkids and many other children (haha)
 drivingharmony2
Joined: 6/23/2013
Msg: 124
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/25/2013 7:56:13 PM
John255317: Did you have a birthday recently as I cannot email you....PoF won't let me....Well Happy Birthday and I'm sure SpongeBob wishes you a Happy Under the Sea Birthday as well ! :)
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 125
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 11/25/2013 8:14:59 PM
drivingharmony2, I requested that POF not allow you to email me.................lol. Kidding. Yes, I am one year older and good old POF does have its rules. I dated a 43 year old for a few months earlier from another site but sooooo glad POF knows better! And all we have done in the past is email regarding the forums (stupid rules) Thanks for the happy birthday and the good posts you write. Need more like you. Now you have made me singing the spongebob squarepants song.....lol
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