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 phule
Joined: 4/8/2004
Msg: 20
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Are we really who we think we are?Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
I consider myself lucky, in that I've always known who I am. Back in 7th grade, I remember being pulled into the guidance counselor's office. He sat me down, moved to his side of the desk, and stared at me for a few long minutes. He opens the dialog with "You know... you are an individualist." I was actually cheeky enough to come back with "Yeah... and?"

It doesn't matter who I'm with, I am still this person. If you read my posts here, I'm an opinionated, verbose, observer who doesn't have an issue with calling them as I see them. Right or wrong, I'm going to make what I believe known, and I'm going to back up what I believe with as much evidence and observation as I possibly can. When I'm wrong, I'll be right there owning up to it... maybe not the first to see it though.

It doesn't matter if I'm at a keyboard, using a pen, or in person. It will look different in person, since observing a situation face to face requires listening and watching... which takes time. That's a quiet thing. Online, observing means reading, re-reading, paying attention to context and sub-context, looking for indicators, etc. The time that takes isn't perceived in the same way as it is in a face-to-face meeting. I'm still the same though. I call 'em like I see 'em.

I've put it in my profile... I've never really dated. I've gotten together with women, but by the time we are getting together, it's not really dating. Getting involved with a woman who started off as a client, where I repaired her laptop. Business first, more time spent together, and the next thing you know I'm at her house using very different tools, and I'm not working on hardware. You might say it was like a date, but the getting to know each other part was incidental... even though it was there. Then there were the times hanging out with friends... and then there'd be another time hanging with almost the same group... and this would continue until two of us realize we have been in the same circle for a month, and we always spend time talking... and then it's just a circle of us two, etc.

So I guess I can't speak as to whether I would be a different person on an official date. I can only say I don't believe I would be, because I have always been me in every other situation I have ever been in.
 Peppermint_Petunias
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 21
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Are we really who we think we are?
Posted: 10/4/2013 4:54:24 AM
Even gregarious, extroverted, talkative people can freeze on a first meet.

I suggest an adult beverage. ONE , maybe TWO max..You dont want to walk in shy and reserved then go into overdrive in an hour.

I think its fear in some way or another.

I'm who I think I am and so are most people unless delusional.

But we aren't the same/behave the same way in every circumstance with everybody.
 ICtheLite
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 22
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Are we really who we think we are?
Posted: 10/6/2013 6:10:47 PM
What part of our personality do we lose on our way to meeting someone. Is it doubt? Is it fear? Are we afraid to be ourselves and not wanting to disappoint we put on an act we think the other person wants to see?


I don't think you lose anything permanently. Shyness due to doubt, fear or nervousness is short lived (hopefully). Relax and be yourself, the ones that matter won't mind, and the ones that mind don't matter. Yes, easier said than done. I usually don't have problem being myself unless I meet someone I'm highly attracted to; then I get more reserved ..... GREAT, right? lol.
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 23
Are we really who we think we are?
Posted: 10/11/2013 3:33:26 PM
It's also alittle about being in a comfort zone.

Afraid in one and totally at ease in another.

Expectations plays into it as well. The more you expect from a first meet the more pressure you put on it.
 SWEET_MAVERICK
Joined: 9/28/2013
Msg: 24
Are we really who we think we are?
Posted: 10/11/2013 5:49:36 PM
I know I am, the last time I looked in my panties, I saw her...The Silver Beaver. Yep, that's who I am. Just don't try to skin her to make a fur coat! LOL!
 CaptainTeebs
Joined: 11/10/2012
Msg: 25
Are we really who we think we are?
Posted: 10/11/2013 7:12:15 PM
What part of our personality do we lose?
Amazingly, a lot of us don't lose our negative qualities, our ball-scratching, clueless, gold digging, self-aggrandizing, insecure, inconsiderate, flakey, clingy, tasteless, classless, cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless,****ess, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit....
I digress.
Point is, we shouldn't try to be ourselves. Lose yourself. Lose yourself in the moment of carpe tunnel diem.
uh..oops.
 Doremi_Fasolatido
Joined: 2/14/2009
Msg: 26
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Are we really who we think we are?
Posted: 10/12/2013 5:40:29 AM
On a first meet I usually try to put my best foot forward and project what I feel is my best side. And yes, there are many sides to me. I think most people have many facets to themselves. In this respect it takes time to get to know people and what you see when you first meet is simply one part of someone.

You'll never know how someone else will make you feel until you meet them in person. How you react to someone depends on what your expectations of what they are vs. real life. When the idea of someone that's in your head does'nt jive with who they are it could cause a withdrawl of you wanting to project your personality.

I don't think part of my personality is lost in these scenarios. I simply choose not to shine my inner light with the same intensity as I would when I am attracted to someone and the feeling is mutual.
 Paderic
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 27
Are we really who we think we are?
Posted: 10/12/2013 6:23:27 AM
For some reason, this thread makes me think of this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDAq5tyfk9E
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 28
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Are we really who we think we are?
Posted: 10/12/2013 8:19:53 AM
Something simpler, and thus (hopefully) more profound about this...

I think that most of us are who we think we are... but we are also a lot more as well.

Some of what we are which we don't care for, we try to hide from others and from ourselves, perhaps hoping that like an unwatered houseplant, that aspect of us will wither away. Other things which we would like to think of as positives, and want others to see as us, we might over-emphasize (especially to strangers), in hopes that this might act like exercising small body parts, to make them become larger.

The sayings about "putting your best foot forward" and the like, describe this in another way. Those kinds of sayings and admonitions do emphasize trying to make ourselves appear as good as we can be, but they also carry with them the unspoken recognition of the fact that we still carry with us, all of our not-so-wonderful aspects as well.

There isn't a "best foot" to put forward, unless there is also a "not so great foot" to try to de-emphasize.
 activemelaney
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 29
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Are we really who we think we are?
Posted: 10/12/2013 9:23:31 AM
I know who I am.

We are humans, social animals. We don't behave in a vacuum but in response to another human. We're always going to have a unique interaction with a new person. After 50 plus years hopefully we've developed social skills to act accordingly. We know when to turn on the charm, the personality. We also know when it's best to be just social and polite. We pick up on social signs through tone of voice, a smile, the eyes, body posture, etc.

Anyways, I never expected to be wowed by every guy or for me to wow them. That would be creepy like dogs in heat or an artificial love spell. I can be a slu..t for my guy or a prim and proper gal at work. Behaviours depends on the social situation because we're social beings.
 lostnfoundluv
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 30
Are we really who we think we are?
Posted: 10/12/2013 3:17:51 PM
we already have problem with people not showing up as their pic posted on website. usually many pounds higher and looking older but if one has to also hide their personality on their first meet or second meet or for ever then what is left to trust on these dating sites?
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 31
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Are we really who we think we are?
Posted: 10/13/2013 4:02:41 PM
Is this not similar to job interviews and those trying to present themselves in the best way possible? How many are very good at it, how many somewhat good, and a majority out of their element when it comes to presenting themselves to another or others.

I look at the meet and greet like a job interview with the hope that the one I am meeting will treat me with respect, make me comfortable, and want to know more about me and share themselves in the same way. One either has that skill or they do not, and if not, they must learn how to acquire it in order to be successful. Many do, and many can, and yet many more do not, can not, and hope that the one they are meeting will take the lead and do most if not all the work.

Got to like dating and meeting others......lmao I sometimes feel like I should bring a detail resume with me, accept theirs and have some wine while we evaluate each other.......oh well

cd
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 32
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Are we really who we think we are?
Posted: 10/14/2013 4:22:23 AM
Well, here we are getting into a different, and much more boring and redundant area: whether we are who we CLAIM
to be on our profiles.

This is where the similarity to job-hunting comes to a screeching halt. Making oneself out to be a great wizard for a
job situation, is more or less expected and accepted. No doubt because, except in certain rare instances, the employer
doesn't expect to want to have sex with the prospective employee.

Back to the actual thread subject...having a realistic appreciation of oneself is important, but actually tricky. Because
the health of our relationships depend heavily upon our self assessment, and even more upon what we do
BECAUSE of what we think of ourselves.

Reading other threads here, there are plenty of examples of people who think so highly of themselves, that they
look down their noses at almost everyone else, and thus reject them all out of hand, and remain alone because they DO
think so well of themselves. Others think the opposite, and in fear or hunger or desperation, leap into messy
situations with people who they all too soon realize they were never really attracted to to begin with. And plenty of us
put on a brave face, because we've always heard that we should, but secretly fear we will be discovered to be lacking,
and so we miss opportunity after opportunity.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 33
Are we really who we think we are?
Posted: 10/14/2013 6:18:50 AM
IMO it's not possible to be realistically balanced on a profile.

If I state anything the least little negative, then most people will assume this is a serious problem and blow it up out of proportion. The negative will outweigh any positives.

So a profile is usually all about the positives, lacking any negatives at all.

The same for any sort of initial social interaction, many will put their best foot forward.
 mateo45
Joined: 1/17/2008
Msg: 34
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Are we really who we think we are?
Posted: 10/14/2013 9:22:35 AM
The thing is, we go into these meets cold - even if we spend time through emails, chat and phone to get to know the person before the meet, nothing prepares us for physical presence.

I think House_Full is spot on, that there's a huge difference between the world of disembodied online dating.... and the "old-fashioned" way, where we at least first get some kinda physical preview "in the flesh", which also brings the rest of us on board (pheromones, our subconscious, eye contact, colors, sounds, etc.).

BTW, IMHO one of the 'dirty little secrets' of online dating, is that the anonymity and lack of accountability actually "attracts" a lot more of the sorta folks who don't handle IRL so well anyway. And not to be unkind, but the fact is that even the most charming person on earth is still gonna feel 'off-balance' whenever they first encounter someone who's kinda "socially challenged" to begin with.
 L,A, Woman
Joined: 7/4/2006
Msg: 35
Are we really who we think we are?
Posted: 10/14/2013 10:37:38 AM
O.K. Many people lie on here so yes the first meet is telling. Is he the same height,does he really have that great job, is he married, is he emotionally unstable, is he abusive? All of these things you might not even find out on the first meet. I think we forget that the people we meet on coffee dates are strangers. Yes even though you think you have this great emotional connection, they are strangers. Heck, they are still strangers when you move in together. Hopefully by that point you have been able to find out pertinent details about their life so you have faith they are who they say they are. Go to the first date as a way to try to figure out if the person is real. What are their interests, hobbies, sport activities? If they open up that is a good first start. If they fail to open up be leary. People that have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Guys dont' open up as much as women so do take the initial contact as a way to get a second date if you feel you want to know more. Yes many appear one way on here only to look totally different in person. Some do make claims about personality that have nothing to do with the real them. So, try to be open and figure out what the person is all about. This may take time.
 JustForPhone
Joined: 9/22/2013
Msg: 36
Are we really who we think we are?
Posted: 10/14/2013 1:16:00 PM
w0w I write a long one and it was ruined because it logged me off, disappeared when I logged back on.

ANYWAY...theres nothing wrong with being shy. nothing wrong with hanging back sometimes, most of the time or all the time with persons/people/situations.
Just be yourself. If He (or She) cannot understand you're feeling awkward, then who needs em???

If he's shy, and you don't sense anything wrong, and you're somehow comfortable with him, go with it.
If he's so awkward that he's rude to you or kicks your shins under the table, get away from him.
I used to be just incredibly scared and awkward. Like you wouldn't believe. that's because my parents taught me NOTHING in social skills.
but if he's creeping you out, leave him. because people need to work things out for themselves, or they'll NEVER even be able to be courteous. And trust me if they're rude they're NOT worth working on.
 mateo45
Joined: 1/17/2008
Msg: 37
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Are we really who we think we are?
Posted: 10/14/2013 2:44:24 PM
^ ^ ^ Good point, there's a big difference between folks who are maybe just a little awkward or inexperienced in social situations, especially with strangers.... and the kind who just don't "do" empathy or even close relationships (aka, "it's all about ME")!
 ohwhynot46
Joined: 6/28/2009
Msg: 38
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Are we really who we think we are?
Posted: 10/14/2013 8:01:12 PM
We are who we think we are, to US (the individual). While self awareness generally increases with maturity, the truth is of course we are who we think we are. Perception really is reality, as reality is subjective. In the context of how others may perceive us, however, we may likely not be anything at all as we perceive or describe ourselves. How confusing is that?!
 Secondhand_Lion
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 39
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Are we really who we think we are?
Posted: 10/20/2013 3:08:58 PM
It's so great to not have to think about that anymore......if I really need to know, I'll call Homeland Security...they'll know who I am. LOL
 completelyhappy
Joined: 10/3/2010
Msg: 40
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Are we really who we think we are?
Posted: 12/11/2013 12:58:38 PM
Fear.

Be yourself and they will too - then it's no big deal if you both realize it's not a soulfull connection. I've heard of people becoming business associates instead- it's all good.

blessings
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