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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > They don't want to be friends...      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 SWEET_MAVERICK
Joined: 9/28/2013
Msg: 26
They don't want to be friends...Page 2 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

It. Was. Torture.

I was hurt that it never evolved into anything romantic. And all my fault..he had told me the score right up front. Really, it was terrible. My self esteem really took a blow. FINALLY I told him the friendship was over and it took another two years to get over him. To somehow move past the fact that he just didnt find me "romance material." It really hurt, just awful.

Anyway, on subsequent dates with other people, I had another occasion arise where the guy told me he didnt feel I was dating material but thought I would still be great to hang out with, etc.

This time I said no. And that's been my policy ever since. I am not "dating to find buddies." I have guy friends. i don't need to hang out with a guy whom I had originally picked as a potential partner and had essentially rejected me sexually, physically. It feels like you are just getting leftovers, and who wants to hear stories about who they ARE dating? What better way to sink your soul??

Never again.

One of the worst things I ever went thru, but at least I learned something. It just took too long.


:0(
I hear ya...
which is why I now have a stance that may initially appear mean/cold...they must initiate & pursue, etc.
I have a tough outer shell w/ an ooeey-gooeey soft center that now only spills out for a man who treats me right.

It almost seems like we have to get burned 1st to learn the lesson!
Best of luck to u Volcano :0)
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 27
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 10/11/2013 8:42:30 AM
Being friends only works when both people agree to it.
You can't be friends with someone you have romantic feelings
for and those feelings aren't reciprocated. Offering "friendship"
to someone who is looking for more is not flattering and having
a collection of rejected dates disguised as "friends" seems sort of
like a narcissistic trait to me.

Unrequited love or friendship sucks.
 flavourseeker
Joined: 10/3/2013
Msg: 28
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 10/11/2013 8:53:22 AM
I've had the reverse happen to me, where I told her I didn't want to pursue anything on a romanctic level and SHE suggested being just friends.

So, I gave it a go but it was pretty apparent that she was hoping to win me over in time....when she realized that wasn't going to happen her personality changed.... a LOT !

I won't go into details but the word " yikes " comes to mind , lol
 Nj2ut
Joined: 11/5/2012
Msg: 29
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 10/11/2013 12:01:20 PM
From my experience, the problem is most women don't follow through on the friendship. They tell a guy they're not interested in anything romantic but wants to be friends, but the don't do anything to "court" the friendship. It's like they want the guy to continue to contact them to do anything, instead of being the one who calls him.

As far online dating sites goes...if a woman is looking for a friend, why not seek out women instead of men? There has been a few times where I have contacted a woman who said she was looking for a friends and I send her message expressing Im interested in being friends...never heard back from them.
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 30
view profile
History
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 10/11/2013 3:39:31 PM
OP, No man likes the JFZ if he finds you attractive and wants more.
 that_ol_lady
Joined: 4/19/2013
Msg: 31
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 10/11/2013 3:46:27 PM
simply put because they cant "f uck you" an saying to most guys oh your cool but lets just being friends an hangout..reads in thier penis first well nope not getting in her now> signals back to the brain never mind chalk her off the list on to the next an in some cases the brain might say hold up maybe if you stick around an pretend to be her friend an like her intrest she will eventually give you some...
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 32
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 10/11/2013 4:52:18 PM

During that time I've met guys (in person) that were really cool, I wasn't attracted or romantically interested, but would have loved to become friends with them. When I tell people this I always get the same response "they don't want to be friends."

As you should, exceptions aside. What if you went out on a date with a hunky guy, you had expectations set that he found you attractive, then when sitting down and having a date, he's not -- but he thinks you're a cool person? You're not good looking. Why did he go out with you? Pictures bad? Wanted female attention? Why didn't he say something in the first place if your pictures were legit?

You're starting off on the wrong foot, tipping over in that scenario, sorry. Not everyone is lonely, new in town, etc.

I get that this is a dating site, but if you meet someone you like and have fun with but the attraction isn't there, why wouldn't you want to be friends?

You're in that getting-to-know-ya phase. Very early on the 1st meet. You realize there's no attraction on one side, but there is on the other. Why would you want to go out of your way to be friends with them? I would not be inclined to want to Begin a friendship with a girl I met who I'm not attracted to but know she's into me. I mine as well be waving a flag that says "Looking for Female Attention - Need Self Esteem Boost".

Unless you're new in town or don't have (hardly) any friends -- friendships begin to develop incidentally, not on purpose. You don't start off on the wrong foot (dating scene) and Expect an actual 1-on-1 friendship to occur when you don't find them attractive, but they do to you.

Are guys more or less inclined to become friends with an attractive girl vs a less attractive one?

Depends on the circumstances. After she shoots him down & declines him? Tells him he's not good enough to be on a non-platonic level with her? He's more inclined to be "friends" with her for the off chance he could change her mind if she was Hot... but all in all, he's not going to want to.

What you're missing is the circumstances. From a dating site, it's built up over time, prior. They claim they're attracted to you, if you're going to meet. And after some talking for days, and the build up, you meet. BAM. Shot down. You're not putting that in perspective.

When you've had plenty of friends to occupy your free time -- have you had that happen to you? Would you be so inclined to be buddies with him? If he's real hot, maybe.

I think under real life conditions, in a social group, a guy will start bonding/bantering with a gal, he gets the hint she's not interested or someone else will tell him... but yeah, later on they develop a friendship among each other because they share the same social group, etc.

It CAN happen, stemming from a matchmaking set-up situation. But it's rare. It shouldn't be expected. It's not a place to find friends. Try a NON-matchmaking site for that -- and don't AIM for guys*. :)

*And don't give the BS that girls are no good for friends. That's BS. There's plenty of both who are, and aren't, depending on your type. Disagree? You just want man-attention, if you mainly aim for dudes (and may not know it).
 Nj2ut
Joined: 11/5/2012
Msg: 33
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 10/11/2013 6:31:40 PM

During that time I've met guys (in person) that were really cool, I wasn't attracted or romantically interested, but would have loved to become friends with them. When I tell people this I always get the same response "they don't want to be friends."


He went on a dating site to find a date. You first presented yourself as a date but then changed your mind. Why would be shocked or surprised when he rejects your offer of friend since you knew what he was looking for a date. It maybe great for you to get what you want (another male friend) but what he wants and needs?
 Steam_Engenius
Joined: 8/20/2013
Msg: 34
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 10/11/2013 7:18:55 PM
In my experience whenever a woman has given me the "let's be/ I see you as a friend", they didn't mean it. The ones that I tried to be a friend with only wanted to call me when they had a project they couldn't do, or needed help elsewhere. When I called to do things that friends do, they either had many excuses on "why not, or couldn't even answer the phone. So yes; I believe more often than not, that all this smoke and mirrors about being friends is just another way of telling you they are not interested period; friend or lover.

It is a shame though in that I am sure there are some ladies that mean and are willing to be friends, yet the over used "friends" excuse has been ingrained into many males psyche as a phrase for rejection, that they no longer believe it when they hear it.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 35
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 10/11/2013 7:41:30 PM
OP: Let's say a guy went along with your idea of being a member of your harem in the "friends only" club. At some point shortly after, you two get together to hang out as buddies. He starts telling you about the fantastic dates he went on with a really hot woman and he can see this developing into something serious, and tells you about the fun things they did together on dates. Would you be happy for him or would there be a bit jealousy? What about a case where he's dating a woman you know, and when you talk to her her and ask about him, she says: "He's the best lover I ever had. He really knows how to please a woman." Would you jump for joy for their happiness or have second thoughts about friend zoning him?
 Natas_75
Joined: 5/8/2013
Msg: 36
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 10/11/2013 11:18:13 PM
Lol, harem?! Really?! There were really only 2 people I wanted to continue a friendship with, but I didn't mention it. My question was theoretical and as previously stated, I never actually suggested the "just friends" scenario to anyone I met online, for the simple reason that I'd been told by existing friends/relatives that they wouldn't want to be simply friends. I was just trying to get feedback on the validity of that statement. Which is apparently true.

From my perspective and I guess I'm in the minority, if someone was honestly my "friend" then yes, I would be sincerely happy that they found someone to love, if I was still single at the time, I might be envious of their good fortune, but I would still be happy for them. The only way I think I'd be jealous would be if in the course of becoming friends I fell for them, but I think that's a different scenario and honestly hasn't happened to me. Could be cause I was married/in love from 21 to 36 so have only recently entered the single scene. Again a different mindset...

From what I gather from the most people's statements (with a few exceptions) it's really how you meet... through a dating website, friendship's a no go because of the romantic/sexual expectations at the outset, anything else is a disappointment to most rather than a bonus/perk.
 Nj2ut
Joined: 11/5/2012
Msg: 37
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 10/12/2013 1:47:57 AM
[From what I gather from the most people's statements (with a few exceptions) it's really how you meet... through a dating website, friendship's a no go because of the romantic/sexual expectations at the outset, anything else is a disappointment to most rather than a bonus/perk.]

Bonus/perk for who? The woman who rejects the guy or the guy who got rejected. It sounds pretty self serving and ignoring his needs. Unless your going to set up him with a woman so he get wants which is essentially someone to date. Sorry telling a guy he's good enough to be your friend but not your man will never be seen as bonus or perk.

It's like reserving a Camry from Enterprise and when you get there they tell you were out of Camrys but they will give you a Mustang for the same rate. Now that's bonus/perk. Now if they told you they were out of Camrys and gave you a Fiat ...not really a bonus/perk.
 FloridaRes123
Joined: 5/11/2013
Msg: 38
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 10/12/2013 5:03:54 AM
I have a female friend that I know of that had quite a few gentleman that after they would ask her out, she would say, "We can go out....as friends" only because she didn't think of them in a romantic way.

She told me they would go along with it and say, "Suuuuure...I'll be your friend" (This is her tone when she talked of the dialogue between them and her).

Then when they were at a party or some event together, he'd be getting her her space, putting his hand on the small of her back, or overly touching her. Even calling her "Honey" or "Sweetie" in front of everyone.

She had to take these guys aside and said, "Listen, people will start to think we're a couple, and other men won't approach me"

Let's just say....that statement didn't go over to well with said men.

These men, went into it with turning a friendship into a romance and it would completely backfire.

Now, doing this on a dating site...well, it would rather defeat the purpose to meet a stranger online on a friends only basis. Friendships usually are more developed face-to-face.
 that_ol_lady
Joined: 4/19/2013
Msg: 39
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 10/12/2013 6:55:40 AM
nj2ut ok so maybe a woman telling a man that he can be her friend instead of her man may not be seen as a bonus perk to some men..

but its definatly no bonus perk prize for a man telling a woman ya ill have sex with you but i dont want to date you ever..thats nothing for her to smile about shes good enough to f uck but not to be courted in anyway..

atleast the woman in question is open an offering something more meaningful to the guy then just a quick F uck an dump.
 Nj2ut
Joined: 11/5/2012
Msg: 40
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 10/12/2013 7:49:56 AM
[but its definatly no bonus perk prize for a man telling a woman ya ill have sex with you but i dont want to date you ever..thats nothing for her to smile about shes good enough to f uck but not to be courted in anyway..]

That's not what we're talking about here. I'm sure most woman would reject that offer on the spot. And I'm sure most guys who would make such an offer wouldn't act surprised that it was rejected or post a topic on "why would a woman reject my offer of sex only, but no dating".

[atleast the woman in question is open an offering something more meaningful to the guy then just a quick F uck an dump.]

Meaningful to whom? The woman who rejects the guy or the guy being rejected? Especially if she doesn't actually follow through with the friendship or it's a half a$$ed. I have plenty of female friends ( and no they aren't women I'm hoping to get with) . None of them said " let's be friends". They just became a friend by acting like one.

If she met these guys on a dating or any other way and they took her on a date or several, then she knew from the start their intention was to date. She is free to change her mind but she shouldn't act surprised or disappointed that they aren't interested in being friends
 scottey63
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 41
view profile
History
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 10/12/2013 12:10:48 PM
I get that this is a dating site

No, I don't think you do. Most men don't join dating sites looking for platonic friends. Hopefully, they already have friends. Perhaps even female friends with whom the possibility of dating was never on the table. And if he's interested and you're not, being "just friends" is like a consolation prize most men aren't interested in.
 Steam_Engenius
Joined: 8/20/2013
Msg: 42
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 10/12/2013 12:30:44 PM
I also think of it this way. She is dating and you are dating, she gives you the gratuitous "let's be friends", therefor you accept and be so. So what happens when she or he finds someone worthy of dating and relationship material? Do you think that she or he is going to have time to maintain that friendship? You are just going to be yesterday's news.

We are dating and not looking for a friend, especially from a site dedicated to dating and relationships, so when I have a date and get the old "friends" line, it means I became the first place loser. I don't think most of us get involved in the dating world just to find friends. While I am open to the possibilities of being a friend (if they really mean it), I note that there are other avenues to find "just a friend".

Just as well, I have messaged my share of women with LIKE interests that stated they were looking for just friends and activity partners with a response rate of 0. So this leads me to perceive that there has to be an attraction level as well (if they really meant they were looking for so). It's all smoke and mirrors.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 6/25/2013
Msg: 43
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 10/19/2013 10:47:28 AM

(Natas 75) Hi,
This is just a curiosity thing... I've tried the online thing on and off for about a year, mostly off... During that time I've met guys (in person) that were really cool, I wasn't attracted or romantically interested, but would have loved to become friends with them. When I tell people this I always get the same response "they don't want to be friends."

My question is this, why not?


Because this is a dating site, not a friendship site.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 44
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 10/19/2013 10:56:29 AM
Everytime I hear this question, I will pose another. What is your definition of "friend"?????? I personally, can count on one hand my "friends". Acquaintances?????? Can't count that high. Some of these "friends" I "may" talk to once a year. My acquaintances????? Yeah, I'll go out with a whiskey with em,if and when I have the time but, I'm not "depending" on them for a whole lot other than that. If one my actual "friends" comes a calling and is in a need, I'll drop basically everything and anything for them. That's why I call them "friends".
 MsLadyBrown00
Joined: 10/13/2013
Msg: 45
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 10/20/2013 6:46:53 AM
If you want to make new friends, you need to join a site like meetup.com. Everyone on there is looking for friends. The men on here are not looking for friends, they are looking for relationships. So once you turn them down, then they will and should move on to find someone that wants to date them.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 46
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 10/20/2013 8:51:18 AM
I keep hearing all this stuff on what men want, and don't want; but I haven't found that to be the case in my personal experience.

To some people friendship may be a "consolation prize". But to another, it is two people enjoying each other's company doing something both of them REALLY like doing, while enjoying the talking the laughter and the company.

A person may have more a brother sister vibe with a person and not have romantic, but they can have a TON in common and connect seriously in a friend way. And walking away from that kind of connection just because two people aren't going to sleep together, sometimes the other person might not be interested in that.

But it is not "building up the ego", it is not spending time avoiding being bored till a "real guy" comes and they disappear, it is not anything other than two human beings with a ton in common who very much enjoy each other's company doing things occasionally, and talking.

It works great when they need an ear on female point of view and they can sound off or vent on the latest dating attempts, I can too. I have made a few great friends over the years where there was a ton of chemistry but the vibe was more brother sister than romantic. They were totally cool with friends, so was I, and it has been a blast.

Some men are open to friendship; some in fact only want it. But some will take it as a consolation prize or try and use it to boink at some point.

But you will never know OP unless you ask. If you know you enjoy each other's company, say something upcoming that you would love to do with them and ask if they want to do it with you rather than just saying open ended "i'd like to stay friends with you". The one sounds like a brushoff; the other one is a genuine specific invitation to something where they know you are serious about enjoying their company and wanting to do something with them for real. You will know in a hurry if they say no immediately or if they think it sounds fun.

Best of luck to you.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 6/25/2013
Msg: 47
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 10/20/2013 10:11:31 AM

(moonbeamlover) A person may have more a brother sister vibe with a person and not have romantic, but they can have a TON in common and connect seriously in a friend way. And walking away from that kind of connection just because two people aren't going to sleep together, sometimes the other person might not be interested in that.


*sigh* It's not the people saying, "You like deep-sea spear-gun sponge fishing? ME TOO! Let's do that together!" that's being talked about; it's the "We're meeting up on a dating site, and you hit me with the LJBF line!" That comes across as a bait-and-switch, and *THAT'S* where the Consolation Prize feeling comes from. If you're looking for a fellow nude-except-for-a-Zorro-mask Greenpeace activist, then search on a site that's geared to that; don't try to turn fizzled dates into fellow grab-ass players (which reeks of subtly trying to control another person, but that's a whole 'nuther Arlo rant...).
 chill78
Joined: 10/13/2013
Msg: 48
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 10/20/2013 10:17:59 AM
I'm not opposed to it. Maybe she has some attractive single female friends that would be interested in me. LOL. But here are some reasons why other men don't want to be friends. They aren't looking for friends. They can't be friends with someone that they are physically attracted to. They view it as an insult.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 49
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 10/20/2013 10:34:23 AM

*sigh* It's not the people saying, "You like deep-sea spear-gun sponge fishing? ME TOO! Let's do that together!" that's being talked about; it's the "We're meeting up on a dating site, and you hit me with the LJBF line!" That comes across as a bait-and-switch, and *THAT'S* where the Consolation Prize feeling comes from. If you're looking for a fellow nude-except-for-a-Zorro-mask Greenpeace activist, then search on a site that's geared to that; don't try to turn fizzled dates into fellow grab-ass players (which reeks of subtly trying to control another person, but that's a whole 'nuther Arlo rant...).


sigh back LOL

uh, dear, you talk about a fizzled date because it was not an overwhelming want to run home to boink type atmosphere...

but just because a date that is approached to see about romantic chemistry does not end up having romantic chemistry both ways does NOT mean it fizzled.

If there is a ton of other kinds of connections and the ONLY thing missing from it is romantic chemistry, it can still be successful IF both people don't consider time spent with a person wasted if they don't happen to want to boink.

If the one is hurt because they feel chemistry and the other one doesn't, then sure it's fair they don't want the "consolation prize" if they truly see it that way; but if there are a ton of common interests, they laugh, they can talk about anything and they truly enjoy each other's company, it can be a downright good thing; some people as friends are better than other people as significant others.

As long as one of them is not waiting for the other to see the light, and as long as they are still looking for someone they DO connect with romantically, it can be great; and newsflash; there are a lot of guys i know who are online who ARE online for friends. It is a dating site used for a lot of things by a lot of people, with a LOT of different styles.

Not just by women, but also by men. What you say you guys want? And what I hear from men directly in life who I know are on line? What many of them say and what you say "all guys want"? Way different.

Obviously different strokes for different folks :)

SOME do want friends and are cool with it.

That's why the OP can ask. If the guy doesn't want it then cool; he can say so no harm no foul. Obviously it's up to him to decide if that is something that sounds fun or if it sounds like a poor substitution.

But she won't know unless she asks. Specifically, not generically.
 Kay_Fabe
Joined: 9/16/2013
Msg: 50
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 10/20/2013 11:18:43 AM
I've made two very good friends from online dating. I mean, I was new to the area and was very happy to hang out with anyone. If I was established and had my own social circle, maybe I would've thought differently.
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