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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > They don't want to be friends...      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 forumfella
Joined: 10/18/2013
Msg: 76
They don't want to be friends...Page 4 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
"But having a woman to bounce ideas off of with potential dates, ideas for approach, having a female point of view can help the guy a TON"

Absotively fo sho! Having a woman's perspective can be worth it's weight in gold!!! It's great to have female friends to hang with, i get enough guy talk at work...lol
It's excellent to have a woman as a wingman at the bar, or in a couple instances I had a couple female friends accompany me to some single dances, they noticed if women were checking me out when I didn't, they picked up on the signs that I was oblivious too..lol. Usually she would drive to the dance, so I would pay her cover charge into the dance, perhaps take turns buying rounds for each other, moonbeamlover is one smart cookie! ;). This going Dutch stuff has to stop, who has gone bankrupt paying for a dates drinks or meal?? Get real
You can pretty much spot a materialistic person long before the date even happens! And If not you kinda deserve to be taken advantage of IMO
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 77
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 10/26/2013 10:31:36 AM
what the heck? That isn't friends dangit. Who the heck says friends means we expect them to pay our way? I always offer to pay when I'm dating dating, so why the heck would I expect a friend who happens to be a guy to pay for me? That would be ridiculous.

what kind of women do you guys come across? I dont' know ANYONE like anyone you're describing. Or do you guys not actually KNOW any women like that because you are so busy making horrible assumptions that you just automatically assume and reject without having any REAL actual experience to gauge, just what a bunch of other angry guys tell you women are "really" feeling and saying?

I was answering the OP's topic but this one has gotten a little off track. We can agree to disagree. You all have very in your minds valid reasons (mind you a lot of which you are not accurate in way more cases than you are) but hey, everyone gets to make their own choice.

I offered another viewpoint where my experiences are way different than yours and most of the people i know theirs are as well. And I offered a view into the mind of an actual female since you guys keep spouting what we women "really" want when we offer it. And you have been WAY wrong, at least in my case and in the case of many other women I know.

I don't have any investment in whether guys "let" themselves become freinds with women. If you don't want to, don't. More power to you. But you may be in a COUPLE of cases missing out. You might not.

It is obvious more than a couple of you have no intention whatsoever of hearing what I have to say; and I already know all your assumptions and won't convince you that your belief system is not universally sharedd nor your prejudices always fair, but your right to make your own choices are yours; if you don't want an alternate way of looking at it; that's totally cool. We can agree to disagree.

In my couple times I come across it in real life I completely respect a guy's opinion if we friend click and he doesn't want to hang out sometimes (and no, by hang out I don't mean only when I am single, not with him paying and me being a money sucker, and not with him being dragged off to shoe shopping; a lot of things I most like to do are things that are more "guy friendly" so it's easier for me when I do them doing it with a guy than a female friend (watching football, baseball, hockey, boating etc.); so eI"m not taking him shoe shopping for God's sake (though I do have people who like helping pick them so not all guys hate shoes and I WANT him to flirt with the waitress and tell me about dating stories; I wouldn't be even remotely offended) Not daily, but for a happy hour on a thursday on occasion spontaneously or whatever. People talk about "all" this time wasted. Two hours in a given month out of how many thousands of hours? With a person where you know both like hanging out; have fun conversations and enjoy the same things it's not THAT torturous.

That is MY example; everyone else is different. You don't want to even think about it if someone asked? Totally cool. More power to you. That is absolutely your right; because of the way you're looking at it. Just remember the offer is not MEANT the way you keep saying it is, but if you see it as a rejection and you want nothing to do with the rejector, then you definitely shouldn't accept.

Just know no offense was meant in the offer in a lot of our cases; it means we genuinely like a person; we just don't click in one way; but do on a lot of other ways. And we don't make him pay, expect ANY compliments, and do want him talking about how they are doing.

And one more thing... at least in my case, if it is one where it was not both of us getting the same brother/sister vibe in spite of being mutually atracted; if it was them wanting to date me for real and my not feeling it?

I would not offer friendship in that case. Not while they felt that way. That would not be fair. just in case tha was the perception for who was being offered the friendship. Just one where we could talk about anything and everything; we like what each other looks like, like doing the same things but were both missing the "it" but everything else clicked. That is the time I will offer friendship. When you know you can enjoy the heck out of each other's company or conversation even if it is once every few months... because your first conversation was four and a half hours and your first date was three. And you enjoyed every minute of it, and so did they . Then what does it hurt to hang out on occasion? Why are people so offended that a guy would "lower himself" to doing things he likes with a person he enjoys? With everyone paying their OWN way?


peace. I'm out,
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 78
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 10/27/2013 2:49:23 PM
In the above example, if she has been talking about being with him and their possibly not seeing other people and he does not at that POINT tell her that he is not at that place and might not be at that place? Then he IS intentionally leading her on. Nothing unintentional about it.

No so fast! :) He IS being intentional about "it". But what is "it"? In idiot Bob's mind, "it" is not playing her or leading her on. He meant to do things that played her, but in his mind, he didn't mean to actually play her -- he's just an IDIOT to not connect the dots, because of his childish emotion (maybe lying to himself inside?).

To clarify this example scenario: Sally knows that it'd be way too soon on the 1st or 2nd meetup/date/outing to Ask to declare some exclusivity, so she is NOT Asking to be exclusive. She's expressing her clear interest in him, and talking while looking ahead and what her ideal situation would be really darn quick, etc.

Now, Bob's emotionally clouded (an idiot). He's not intentionally leading her on in HIS MIND. He's NOT coming on to her. He feels he's giving her the vibe that he's not by his actions (or lack thereof), but he wants to be friends with her. He's just not going to break it to her that he's not interested in her in that way to start dating (in this example, due to her religion; could be anything like not having a job, car, is part of AA, etc). In his foolish mind, he's not MEANING to play her. He is satisfied by not coming onto her and just at most, mildly going along with her flirts but keeping a distance. She should understand, right? (That's his idiot mindset; he doesn't think he's playing her)

In Bob's mind, he believes he's not entitled to have to tell her he just wants to be friends and only ever to be friends. In his emotionally childish mind (to dating), he views this in the same scope as if he's hanging out with his buddies, and Sally's just a girl who's a friend of a friend who likes him. He thinks she's attractive & cool (but not compatible), but where is it written he has to Announce that he isn't into her; her just being a friend of a friend, and he wants to be friends with? In his mind, it'd have to be a serious date to have to Break anything to her! In his foolish mind, meeting her online doesn't apply -- because he Wants to Believe he doesn't have to, and has convinced himself (via emotion) that he doesn't have to and he's doing nothing wrong to her at all.

Now, I think Bob is an idiot (did I say that already?). I'm NOT defending him. He is intentionally not breaking something to her. Most people in Bob's situation will be intentionally playing them, and will BS that they weren't. They're replacing intentionally playing with intentionally hurting. But, technically, a few people can end up being so stupid due to their emotional construct, that they believe they're not when they are!

My Point: When someone in Bob's position says "But I wasn't trying to play you!" -- they have to say "I am a complete moron." But either way, YES, Bob was playing her. One CAN be such a moron that they don't know they're playing someone. Their view of the situation gets skewed into something it's NOT. That's an easy way to play someone and not mean to. And just because one doesn't mean to, when it's pretty clear what's going on in that example, does not mean they should be given Any Sympathy for it. I'm certainly not backing Bob! :)

Now, reverse the gender roles. Bob is Sally, and Sally is Bob. This is more often what you'll see, but to prevent any gender wars, I wanted to make the guy the fool.

The more fitting situation of the guy being the fool, where he's hurting someone but doesn't mean to, is say, saying racial jokes even though she's of a certain race where you'd have to be REAL STUPID not to know it'd offend them. It does happen. That doesn't mean it's OK. At all.

Since it's technically possible, far too many people who Do Mean to intentionally play someone, falsely claim they didn't mean to -- even though they just didn't mean to HURT them in doing so and were just "looking out for themselves" (or are chicken-sh!t and want to get what their gut/emotions tell them; in this case).

I think people need to know that when they play that game of "I didn't mean to play you" -- they would have to be in the top 99th percentile of idiocy -- and that it's NOT a safe haven to declare such a position.
 Magirific92
Joined: 5/4/2013
Msg: 79
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 10/28/2013 5:04:53 AM
As a young male, my viewpoint is this:

-I approach(or message on a dating site) a girl
-She seems responsive and we hit it off
-At whenever time during our "talking" she gives me ljbf


I was not friends with her before, and my sole intention of approaching her was to be more then friends.... so why would I want to be friends? I politely decline and move on.

friendzone doesnt exist, you MAKE it exist. BUT if you are in the friendzone, ask her out or flirt with her.

Worst case scenario she rejects you as a friend and you never talk again...... cause that's SO TERRIBLE LOLLOLOL
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 6/25/2013
Msg: 80
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 11/14/2013 7:40:58 PM
There's also this to consider: the LJBFers are saying, in effect, "I won't give you the romantic relationship you're looking for, but I'll monopolize all your free time doing stuff for *MY* enjoyment, so you can't look elsewhere!"
 aanarchist
Joined: 8/23/2013
Msg: 81
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 11/14/2013 11:14:54 PM
a man can only be friends with two types of women; women they aren't attracted to, and women that they are attracted to that they might have a relationship with if their current one fails. the only men who stay friends with women like you are beta cowards, because your friendship means nothing to a man, he'd rather be friends with a girl that he also gets to have sex with.
 Archiver
Joined: 3/10/2013
Msg: 82
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 11/15/2013 5:10:35 AM

a man can only be friends with two types of women; women they aren't attracted to, and women that they are attracted to that they might have a relationship with if their current one fails. the only men who stay friends with women like you are beta cowards, because your friendship means nothing to a man, he'd rather be friends with a girl that he also gets to have sex with.


Spoken like an immature twit. Grown men know better than that.
 aanarchist
Joined: 8/23/2013
Msg: 83
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 11/15/2013 6:50:10 AM
archiver my mom said i don't have to listen to you
 rosewood_girl
Joined: 10/30/2013
Msg: 84
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 11/15/2013 8:04:28 AM
Ignore aanarchist. He is a blabbering idiot that will insult anyone if they don't agree with him, and call them man haters. He isn't capable of having a healthy debate.
 Iseedudpeople
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 85
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 11/15/2013 8:31:34 AM
Don't feed the troll Rosewoodgirl unless you want him to go full retard on you in his next post. let idiots be idiots, if he wants to be a bitter little b*tch about how he has to work for the good things in his life then more power to him.

; )
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 86
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 11/15/2013 8:45:15 AM

the LJBFers are saying, in effect, "I won't give you the romantic relationship you're looking for, but I'll monopolize all your free time doing stuff for *MY* enjoyment, so you can't look elsewhere!"

That's one angle, and not the worst situation, actually. There's no misleading. :) Many times they won't drop the LJBF bomb on the other, and just assume they don't have to say anything, because they fear confrontation. NOT dropping the LJBF statement on them when that's how they've been feeling is the wrong thing.

But many LJBFers will drop the bomb where 'friends' merely means 'not enemies', but not wanting to be actual friends (but to part ways). Could imply, at most, being group/social friends if they were that way before things crossed platonic lines, or still be FB friends, and once in a while keep in touch. I believe this is the most common intent with the LJBF.

Another time they do actually mean hanging out 1-on-1, and as you imply, want them for company & companionship and hang out as much as if they were an item. But at least dropping the LJBF bomb, they're not misleading them on. There's at least that. :) It'd be the guy's fault to say OK, and follow along with her hoping to change her mind.

a man can only be friends with two types of women; women they aren't attracted to, and women that they are attracted to that they might have a relationship with if their current one fails.

Depends on how you define "friends" -- it's an incredibly vague term. If you mean 1-on-1 friends, who text & call each other at least periodically, and often hang out / go out 1-on-1, then I more agree with you, but not exactly.

Most guys (who aren't lonely), are not going to want to hang out 1-on-1 with a gal on weekends unless he's attracted to her. That doesn't mean he's Actually chasing her -- but he does like her. She could have dropped the LJBF bomb, but she's really attractive and he'll take what he foolishly sees as the "bronze medal" and hang out 1-on-1, because being in the company of a pretty gal is sufficient enough, while the gal getting guy-attention is what she wants too. Other times that's not enough for the guy and he just doesn't want to pass up what he foolishly sees as a potential opportunity down the road, while he does enjoy her company and is willing to deal with that for some time.

As far as group/social friends go? Most guys are going to keep it that way if they're not attracted to the girl. They may become closer group/social friends if she has real cute friends and all, and in that case may even creep into being 1-on-1 friends with her somewhat. But I believe most guys will only Knowingly befriend a gal from being a group/social friend, to 1-on-1, if there's cute girl(s) in the mix, including herself. Again, it's the "most" -- there are exceptions for particular reasons -- but all in all, that's the solid trend.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 6/25/2013
Msg: 87
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 11/16/2013 9:25:03 AM


(AT) There's also this to consider: the LJBFers are saying, in effect, "I won't give you the romantic relationship you're looking for, but I'll monopolize all your free time doing stuff for *MY* enjoyment, so you can't look elsewhere!"


(wordsmith_1975) Then it is down to that person not to allow all of their free time to be absorbed by that person.


... at which point, "that person" starts whining that "They don't want to be friends! Why?!?". And then we have to go through the whole tortured exercise of attempting to explain why things are, the way they are. Much easier, and more satisfying, to throw up your hands, mutter grumpily "People are idiots!", and just go ahead and do what you're gonna do anyway, and not worry about how it looks to the terminally clueless.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 6/25/2013
Msg: 88
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 11/16/2013 9:54:09 AM

(wordsmith_1975) Not sure I explained properly. What I meant was if you get given the "LJBF" speech and you accept, it is important to keep that person at an appropriate physical and emotional distance for a developing friendship. Don't let them dominate your time - let them become as part of the crowd as most of the rest of your friends.


Actually, you explained yourself quite well; however, I don't think you understood my response. Basically, I say, if someone is gonna start whining that Guy A is not suborning his agenda to Girl B, explain it *ONCE*, and if they respond with Special Pleading, or other idiocy, don't waste any more time trying to get them to see sense. They're either too stupid to get it, or are pretending to be too stupid to get it, either out of malice or boredom (I don't care which...)
 aanarchist
Joined: 8/23/2013
Msg: 89
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 11/16/2013 9:20:16 PM
Hah very well said Iseedudpeople, but that line works best when used in the proper context.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 90
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 11/17/2013 9:39:06 AM
What I meant was if you get given the "LJBF" speech and you accept, it is important to keep that person at an appropriate physical and emotional distance for a developing friendship.

Luckily, guys with a spine or don't ooze "Mr Nice Guy", will rarely have to worry about that under normal circumstances. It'll usually mean parting ways and to be Like friends if/when bumping into each other in the future. If they overlap within a group of peers, she'll usually make sure there's physical & emotional distance.

Don't let them dominate your time - let them become as part of the crowd as most of the rest of your friends.

True. But if they are trying to dominate your time while you are honestly Not chasing them, then it'd be a Slap, unless you were Close Friends prior to being non-platonic. It's a lack of respect knowing that you still dig them, while they announce they don't dig you anymore -- but still Expecting to hang out with ya. Again, this shouldn't be a frequent occurrence. If it is....

Sometimes guys will make the mistake, being caught up in their frustration & remaining attraction toward the gal, to be equally (or moreso) reaching out to her right after being Rejected by the LJBF line. In those cases, you can't blame the girl, unless she starts heavily flirting or more to lead him on or something.
 ae86drift
Joined: 10/21/2013
Msg: 91
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 11/18/2013 2:26:28 PM
Being friends is stupid this is dating site lol
 BTM1985
Joined: 11/13/2013
Msg: 92
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 11/20/2013 3:56:57 AM
I've already tried the friends thing and it never works out almost everytime! I only made one friends off of it and that is the only friend I'm ever going to make off of it. The problem is when women initiate being friends with me, they don't really treat me like a friend, to them I'm just another number and I'll never be a just a number for anyone so stopped doing it. If you want to make friends go to meetup.com
 sweetpe4u
Joined: 11/4/2013
Msg: 93
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 11/20/2013 8:55:41 AM
Of course nobody just wants to be friends. Why would they?? This is a dating site and intentions are generally not set to acquiring friends. I get where you're coming from but it is impossible to stay friends if one party is interested romantically and one is not. It just doen't work this way. Best for both parties to move on and find mutual romantic attraction or platonic friendship elsewhere.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 6/25/2013
Msg: 94
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 11/20/2013 2:47:54 PM
ARLO'S AMOROUS ADVENTURES

So I met this lovely, delightful young lady at a pub last Friday night. Things progressed well, and she invited me back to her place, where I spent the night. Saturday morning, she's standing in front of the stove, preparing our breakfast, wearing my T-shirt. So, I come up behind her, wrap my arms around her waist, and nibble on her ear. She turns, clasps her hands behind my head, and says, "Arlo, I want you to make love to me right now!" Being a gentleman, I concede to her wishes. After, she straightens her (my) T-shirt and turns back to the stove. I ask her, "What was that for?" She replies, "My egg-timer is broken..."
 Sunshyne276
Joined: 8/15/2007
Msg: 95
view profile
History
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 11/20/2013 5:21:17 PM
I will never understand it. Some people take it as a personal insult, when you want to keep in at friends. I've heard the "I don't need a friend, i've got friends". I wanted to reply, "I don't need another guy chasing after me just to get a piece of a*s, there are plenty already". I mean, seriously. It makes no sense to me, at all. I love making new friends. If something more comes out of it later, great, if not - still gained a friend.... That's how I look at it :)
 Sunshyne276
Joined: 8/15/2007
Msg: 96
view profile
History
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 11/20/2013 5:23:04 PM
I've missed convo in between, but I seen someone mentioned someone expects the men to pay their way, but only be friends - now, that's not my thing. If a guy friend offers to pay my way, I take it as a sweet gesture - but not going to expect that from a "friend".
 forumfella
Joined: 10/18/2013
Msg: 97
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 11/20/2013 5:37:04 PM
Imo I think the issue is someone specifically joining a date site to "find just friends"...if you meet a romantic interest, but realize there's just no chemistry, and you end up remaining friends after that, that's a bonus, but most are either here for the forums or to find significant other. Or both
 chill78
Joined: 10/13/2013
Msg: 98
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 11/21/2013 6:33:27 AM

I get where you're coming from but it is impossible to stay friends if one party is interested romantically and one is not.


I rarely have strong romantic feelings for a woman after 1 date. Even when I was interested in another date. Any feelings that I had will quickly disappear when I realized that she wasn't interested in a relationship. Although finding new friends is not my intention, I would at least consider friendship and play it by ear. I can always decide to stop talking a woman at any time if I feel being friends won't work out.

I will also add only offer relationship when you actually mean it. A few women claimed that they wanted to be friends. I accepted it and never heard from them again.
 sweetpe4u
Joined: 11/4/2013
Msg: 99
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 11/21/2013 11:58:30 AM

A few women claimed that they wanted to be friends. I accepted it and never heard from them again


Exactly my point. Nobody just wants to be friends with someone after meeting them once if it's established (by one or both) that there is no romantic connection. What would be the point? You don't even know this person and if there's no attraction then they move on. They might say some thing generic like "Let's just be friends' but we all know what that's code for. In the end, the wise dater is assessing romantic interest, not to making friends.

You may rarely have strong feelings after the first meet. Most people you will not fancy, they will not fancy you. You will meet many before you meet someone ideal. That's what dating is all about.
 chill78
Joined: 10/13/2013
Msg: 100
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 11/21/2013 7:25:02 PM

Exactly my point. Nobody just wants to be friends with someone after meeting them once if it's established (by one or both) that there is no romantic connection.


I wouldn't use terms like "nobody" or never" though. It probably doesn't happen often. However there are people that became friends when there wasn't mutual romantic interest after a date.
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