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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > They don't want to be friends...      Home login  
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 Sunshyne276
Joined: 8/15/2007
Msg: 96
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They don't want to be friends...Page 5 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
I've missed convo in between, but I seen someone mentioned someone expects the men to pay their way, but only be friends - now, that's not my thing. If a guy friend offers to pay my way, I take it as a sweet gesture - but not going to expect that from a "friend".
 forumfella
Joined: 10/18/2013
Msg: 97
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 11/20/2013 5:37:04 PM
Imo I think the issue is someone specifically joining a date site to "find just friends"...if you meet a romantic interest, but realize there's just no chemistry, and you end up remaining friends after that, that's a bonus, but most are either here for the forums or to find significant other. Or both
 chill78
Joined: 10/13/2013
Msg: 98
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 11/21/2013 6:33:27 AM

I get where you're coming from but it is impossible to stay friends if one party is interested romantically and one is not.


I rarely have strong romantic feelings for a woman after 1 date. Even when I was interested in another date. Any feelings that I had will quickly disappear when I realized that she wasn't interested in a relationship. Although finding new friends is not my intention, I would at least consider friendship and play it by ear. I can always decide to stop talking a woman at any time if I feel being friends won't work out.

I will also add only offer relationship when you actually mean it. A few women claimed that they wanted to be friends. I accepted it and never heard from them again.
 sweetpe4u
Joined: 11/4/2013
Msg: 99
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 11/21/2013 11:58:30 AM

A few women claimed that they wanted to be friends. I accepted it and never heard from them again


Exactly my point. Nobody just wants to be friends with someone after meeting them once if it's established (by one or both) that there is no romantic connection. What would be the point? You don't even know this person and if there's no attraction then they move on. They might say some thing generic like "Let's just be friends' but we all know what that's code for. In the end, the wise dater is assessing romantic interest, not to making friends.

You may rarely have strong feelings after the first meet. Most people you will not fancy, they will not fancy you. You will meet many before you meet someone ideal. That's what dating is all about.
 chill78
Joined: 10/13/2013
Msg: 100
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 11/21/2013 7:25:02 PM

Exactly my point. Nobody just wants to be friends with someone after meeting them once if it's established (by one or both) that there is no romantic connection.


I wouldn't use terms like "nobody" or never" though. It probably doesn't happen often. However there are people that became friends when there wasn't mutual romantic interest after a date.
 TOaks91360
Joined: 11/22/2013
Msg: 101
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 11/29/2013 4:50:38 AM
Friends...tricky subject. I don't believe in platonic relationships with women. Acquaintances? Sure, but not friends. If I don't find her attractive, then I don't see the point of doing things together. I think you see where I'm going with this...
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 102
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They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 11/29/2013 8:23:46 PM
[a man can only be friends with two types of women; women they aren't attracted to, and women that they are attracted to that they might have a relationship with if their current one fails. the only men who stay friends with women like you are beta cowards, because your friendship means nothing to a man, he'd rather be friends with a girl that he also gets to have sex with.]

I would argue a man that isn't honest with their feelings is manipulative and is trying to deceive the woman by being her friend in the hopes of potentially much more. I agree that is cowardly but if woman naively offers this token friendship it is no surprise that some men can climb out of the friend zone.

I agree with another poster that friendships whether with men or women must happen organically for me. Trying to manufacture friendship by salvaging an incompatible date is just bad form IMVHO. If I am not feeling it with a woman I am not offering her friendship a.k.a. rubbing salt in the wound.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 103
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 12/3/2013 12:55:30 AM

Nobody just wants to be friends with someone after meeting them once if it's established (by one or both) that there is no romantic connection. What would be the point? You don't even know this person and if there's no attraction then they move on.

Yeah, I know. A friendship hasn't been made, so you just can't instantly BE truly friends right then and there, just as you can't instantly BE truly boyfriend & girlfriend right then and there. Why would someone want to pursue a friendship-building process with the other? Either party would have to be out in left field to truly expect or want that literally, as...

we all know what that's code for

Yep. It's not to actually go through 1-on-1 friendship-building. Unless they're "out there". It usually means being on good terms in case you bump into each other or know someone the other does, etc.
 chill78
Joined: 10/13/2013
Msg: 104
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 12/3/2013 7:03:39 AM
Why would someone want to pursue a friendship-building process with the other? Either party would have to be out in left field to truly expect or want that literally, as...


Making new friends probably wasn't the original goal. But sometimes 2 people enjoyed spending time with each other. But there wasn't mutual romantic interest. This doesn't mean a person would always offer friendship or the other person has to accept it. It depends on the people involved and the situation. Although I don't think it happens that often, I know people that became friends with another person after there wasn't mutual romantic interest on a date.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 105
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They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 12/3/2013 11:15:38 AM

Yeah, I know. A friendship hasn't been made, so you just can't instantly BE truly friends right then and there, just as you can't instantly BE truly boyfriend & girlfriend right then and there. Why would someone want to pursue a friendship-building process with the other? Either party would have to be out in left field to truly expect or want that literally, as...


As a creative, fellow creatives make the best friends because you can grow exponentially in an artistic fashion from bouncing things back and forth with them or from networking opportunities. I will go out on a -meet- with a creative person even if I don't find them that attractive in pictures, and will pursue networking with them if I still don't find them attractive (sometimes people look better/worse in person to great degrees), but they're cool. It's worked both ways with me (where one was attracted to the other and the other was not) where I have offered and accepted potential friendships based on this, and a nice portion have worked out until this point.

A HUGE part of that is that I don't care at all if someone isn't attracted to me, and immediately cease to see them as relationship material once that is made known to me, so it's not hanging on in a friendzone waiting for an opportunity, but literally looking for a contact or friendship from that point.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 106
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 12/3/2013 3:25:31 PM

I will go out on a -meet- with a creative person even if I don't find them that attractive in pictures

I would hope you tell them that before meeting! I can understand person B not being interested when person A hits them up, but they banter about the unique things they have in common, are cool with it, etc -- and in the end, meet up with each others' friends, etc. I totally get that type of situation.

But to go out on a 1-on-1 meet from a matchmaking site? Please tell me they know that Loud & Clear. :)

A HUGE part of that is that I don't care at all if someone isn't attracted to me, and immediately cease to see them as relationship material once that is made known to me

Well, to most people, it's like meeting another person if they were bantering for a while in the non-platonic zone, with strong attraction, etc., but to be smacked by "not interested, let's be friends". I guess when I was in college and it was a knock-out of a girl, I would be cool with that. Not necessarily to win her over per se, but the false "bronze" prize.

The only way I'd be comfortable with it? All of the following
(a) I was new in town and she seemed really cool
(b) I wouldn't be hanging out 1-on-1, but getting to know her friends
(c) She has cute friends with opportunities -- not being lumped on the stockpile of "guy friends" who most want to pork

Under certain circumstances, I can see leaving the door open to become group-friends, sure. Actual 1-on-1 friends? That's really weird if there was interest on one side but not the other. It doesn't (entirely) go away instantly, so one can see where the motive is.

But networking? Okay. Sure.
 EG_Scorpio
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 107
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 7/18/2014 8:25:09 AM
Well I know I'm a bit late to this great informative entertaining thread and I know all about the "ljbf" BS that women try on some guys but hang in there and read this long post because it'll be worth it I promise. What brought me here was for the second time in 3 yrs a lovely woman that I met online text me and I quote:

"Thank you for dinner I appreciate your time and wanting to get to know me. If it is ok with you I would like to continue a friendship with you . I think you have a lot to offer someone and I am positive you will find a connection with someone soon." Where upon I had to inform her in a playful way "I'm not a friend zone guy I'm an end zone guy......sorry" to which we bantered back and forth for a few texts.

Which brought me back to the only other time this was tried on me 3 yrs ago. I met a woman on a dating site and we had what I could only describe was the best "meet & greet" I've had in eons. We left that night making another date when I got the phone call from her a day or two later saying she had met someone else she had a great connection with and she was taking her profile down but she'd love to stay "friends" with me.........yadda yadda yadda. (Mind you she had been on the site all of 2.5 weeks! Wtf?) I told her very nicely "oh no that's ok you concentrate on the new man in your life rather than worry about a "friendship" with me etc..... and she said "oh, ok I understand". Then I thought to myself the next day (very foolishly in hindsight)...... you know what, I'm going to call this woman's bluff just to see what happens. So I emailed her and told her if she was really serious about her offer I'd like to be her "friend" but she would have to let me know when she'd be available to get together especially since she'd just met someone she was serious enough about to take her profile down and date. I'm not going to call a woman with a new boyfriend and say "let's go out"...etc... She replied back with "great we'll get together again soon". Well like everyone on here is thinking (as was I) I'm sure she was just saying that to be nice and I'll never hear from here again. Low and behold a few days later shockingly she text me to get together and said she'd pick up the tab.

So we did and met at restaurant where she not only knew the waiter but he knew that her and her new boyfriend had recently been there together before catching a movie so I had to sit and listen to her tell him how it was.......fun fun! Then she says she has get home soon to "watch some TV show". Wow, what a "friend!" Anyway we said good bye after dinner with the "friendship" hug and I was sure that would be that.....The end, as I certainly wasn't going to contact her. Nope. The next week she text me again to go out to eat?? Let me remind you this is a woman with a new boyfriend she took her profile down for!! Why could she possibly need my "friendship"....lol So we met again and I got the wonderful experience of getting advice about what would be the best plans for myself upon my death as she was an admin asst at a funeral home. Even though I'm very attracted to this woman and absolutely love her personality. These friendship "hangout" non date things that I brought upon myself by calling her bluff were excruciating. I emailed her the next day and politely said thanks but no thanks to being "friends" but asked her "what does a 45 yr. old woman with a brand new boyfriend need a male "friend" for and her response was "I've always had male friends so I didn't think it would be an issue". NOT AN ISSUE??!! This woman is a "9" on a ten scale looks/personality wise and I can guarantee you boys this there's not one hetero man this planet that would want to be just her "friend" after meeting her on a dating site or anywhere else.

So see Nj2ut back in msg 38, be careful what you wish for because some(well 1) women do "court" the friendship although I won't be going through this with the woman from 3 days ago because I ended our text sequence with something like what benefits do you bring to the table as my "friend" that I don't get from the friends I have already or even vice versa. She hasn't text back ..............yet. :-) SHE was just letting me down easy............ how nice of her....LOL
 easterparadehat
Joined: 4/14/2014
Msg: 108
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 7/18/2014 10:12:37 AM
It's best to find male friends when you go on activities like hiking. I had 2 male friends who were significantly older than I for about 10-25 years and I met them while going on a hike with the Sierra Club. One moved to CA for retirement and then passed on in 2008 and the other has an active girlfriend who is high maintenance so he is with her 24/7 on his free time. Just my $.02, take it or leave it.
 EG_Scorpio
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 109
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 7/18/2014 10:35:19 AM
I had 2 women I just played tennis with a few years back. One I met at a singles event and one I met on POF. When I emailed her I asked if she'd like to play tennis. With her we played a few times and I'm pretty sure neither of us was attracted to the other. But again I would call both of these women "activity partners" more than "friends" per se.
The one I met at a singles event stopped playing with me when she met her new boyfriend on a dating site. It goes back to what someone or many of you in this thread said. What's the definition of a "friend" in a man/woman platonic relationship etc....... It's all opinion.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 110
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 7/18/2014 1:50:04 PM
Courting a friend will result in a cuddle buddy situation. This is as painful as FWB is to women.

When my cuddle buddy started $exting me after 3 dates? She made the ultimate mistake by mentioning the word 'roadtrip' in a text message. Hmm...nope. Not. Emasculating. Good luck with that crap.

I think you did a wise thing expressing your male boundaries in a respectful manner.
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 111
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 7/20/2014 9:44:24 PM


But also does attractiveness play a role? Are guys more or less inclined to become friends with an attractive girl vs a less attractive one? Do you dislike the whole friend zone thing with a pretty girl and you'd rather not deal with it?


I know the OP is long gone, but:

Attractiveness doesn't matter. Guys that are friends with girls, tend to not care what the girl looks like. And I mean friends as actual friends, not the online dating version of friends that for some reason have the "must be hot" requirement to way to many people.

The problem with just wanting to be friends is that it's typically dishonest. These friendships tend to only go as far as text messages. Answering phone calls are rare. Both being out in public together is pretty much nonexistent. That's not a friend, that's a slightly worse at conversations Cleverbot.

But also think like a guy. I'm not asking you on a date because in a month from now I want to hear about your AMAZING boyfriend, and then 5 months later hear about how terrible of a boyfriend he is while you refuse to just leave him. I'm asking you on a date because I want to potentially be that boyfriend.
 pureandsimple4172
Joined: 5/2/2014
Msg: 112
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 7/21/2014 5:19:21 AM
^^^ exactly!!

Good chance this was mentioned in this thread somewhere. I didn't read it all.
If a woman tells me she just wants to be friends, I reply with...Okay. Fine. Since we are friends, next time we go out, it will be your turn to pay...
Unfortunately, at least from my experiences, that has a way of ending things.
 EG_Scorpio
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 113
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 7/21/2014 8:15:05 AM

But also think like a guy. I'm not asking you on a date because in a month from now I want to hear about your AMAZING boyfriend, and then 5 months later hear about how terrible of a boyfriend he is while you refuse to just leave him. I'm asking you on a date because I want to potentially be that boyfriend


Exactly Trucker! Do these women think we just have time to "hang out" platonically with them because we want to be in the company of a beautiful woman?(in my case that HAS a brand new boyfriend!!). I'm a very busy man and between work and the meet & greets with actual girlfriend potential women as well as my real friends they just don't get that no man that meets them on an online dating site needs or wants them a "friend". Unless like in one of my other cases she can play tennis thus having value to me as an activity partner.


If a woman tells me she just wants to be friends, I reply with...Okay. Fine. Since we are friends, next time we go out, it will be your turn to pay...


I think the reason why the woman in my scenario offered to pay for the next time is that she felt guilty after my spending $$ on our meet & greet and her canceling our next actual first date. So I called her bluff and she showed up and paid.

This was all an experiment to see what would happen. She didn't know it was an "I'm going to call your bluff" experiment. I'm not some goofball chode, I could've easily left it at "thanks but no thanks" after she called and canceled our date but nooooooooo I had to play the "hand" out....LOL
 AddHomonym
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 114
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 7/21/2014 12:37:13 PM
I just went through this with a woman who told me that she was trepidatious about dating because of her recent past. I figured being patient might be a good idea. After a few weeks of that, she pulled the "just friends" thing on me.

I gave this issue some thought and felt a little badly about myself for a moment. Then I realized that not one person that I have ever considered a friend, started out the relationship by rejecting me or suggesting that I was somehow "not good enough" for them. My friends like me and think I'm a great guy...that's probably why they are my friends. None of my "friends" merely tolerate me, they want to hang out with me.

"Eeew, I would never kiss you, but I'll come out to have a cup of coffee if I can't find something better to do", is NOT my idea of a friendship.

Under different circumstances, I probably could have been good friends with this person but I'm not interested in friendship as a consolation prize. And the runner-up gets...to hear all about the losers she is dating...oh what fun, please sign me up for that.
 NikonGuy007
Joined: 4/1/2012
Msg: 115
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They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 7/21/2014 8:25:59 PM
^^^^

"Friendship as a consolation prize"

EXAAAAAAACTLY!

Those were the exact words I used with someone last year.

"When Harry Met Sally" is Hollywood cliché. I have never known of anyone personally who had that type of story. Does it happen? Sure, as often as there are Powerball Lotto winners. ie: Don't go holding your breath. The odds are NOT in your favor.

It truly scares me how so many women live in a sort of "suspended reality". Allow me to provide some context and perspective: I have 3 female friends; 2 of the 3 are former co-workers. There was never any physical attraction on my part for either of them (and, as far as I know, none on their part either). One is an ex. Any time that any one of them are in a relationship, I pretty much never hear from them. They literally "fall off the map". Maybe enough men will come in here to call me a liar, but I do NOT think that my situation is unique. I think that it is par for the course. A female 'friend' is only useful to ME if:

1) We grew up together, and have known each other since our playpen days.
2) She is so attractive that, when she is in my company, other women become interested in me.
3) She is actively assisting me to meet other women whom I might like to date.

Even the female "activity pal" is of zero interest to me. Outside of romance/sex, I prefer the company of men, and, AGAIN, once she meets her 'Prince Charming', she will NO longer be available for pal'ing around with me.

Probably +95% of the time people (that you wanted to date), use the "F" word, it's total b*llsh*t, but aside from that, to MY ear, it just has a patronizing, condescending, arrogant subtext to it.

Best I can tell, the majority of people (in my age bracket), especially parents, can BARELY find the time to hang out with the so-called, "friends" they've had for years and years. What type of time crumbs is some woman I just met, going to throw my way?

It's hella' arrogant for some woman to think that I want to hear all about her problems and escapades with some dude who is banging her.
 EG_Scorpio
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 116
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 7/23/2014 3:06:24 PM
The funny thing about this last woman that tried to "Friend" me was that on our initial "meet & greet" I told her I'd been flaked out on twice 2 hrs before the date on first dates AFTER meet & greets in the last few weeks. So I said to her nicely "listen, if you're not into me or any guy after a meet & greet in the future and they ask you for a date it's really simple all you have to do is text them and say "It was nice meeting you but I really don't think we're a match. Good luck in the future" and that's THE END. I myself have text those words to many women who have shown interest in me after a meet & greet that I didn't want to go out with. I don't offer "Friendship as a consolation prize"....LOL I love that!
But like someone way up in this thread said the whole "friends" thing only happens because people(men & women) LET IT HAPPEN
 tywow
Joined: 5/8/2014
Msg: 117
whitetyrone13
Posted: 7/23/2014 4:40:14 PM
This man lies and uses women...
 LinuxD
Joined: 12/6/2008
Msg: 118
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History
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 7/23/2014 4:48:45 PM
I can be aquaitances with them,and friendly towards them,friends as in hang out buddies..... No.

Not because I don't like them, just that most women do not enjoy the types of things I do with my guy friends.

If I have dated a woman, she is free to go her own way and I wish her well,should I cross paths with her I will be as pleasant as possible,with the exception of one she-devil I hope to never lay eyes on again.

I've females I've known for the most part of my life, They are all open to talking and staying in touch while they are single, let them get involved to any degree with someone and I am cast aside like yesterdays newspaper..... that's not friends so much as it is a time filler...


A gal I had dated for a while tried the old fade away on me,and then when asked why she blurted out "we have nothing in common to talk about" as one of her reasons (read excuses)

She then wanted to be friends and was totally upset when I refused and told her that "we had nothing in common to talk about"

Thanks,but no thanks.
 EG_Scorpio
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 119
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 7/24/2014 6:39:32 AM
whitetyrone13

This man lies and uses women...


Thanks for adding such a less than insightful comment to the thread but you're welcome to be our "friend" here and share your thoughts and intelligence.
 TheVeryLastManOnEarth
Joined: 5/29/2014
Msg: 120
They don't want to be friends...
Posted: 7/24/2014 7:12:29 PM
To be bluntly honest. Most men have enough friends. And really no time for pen pals. And last I checked this was a dating site. Not a friend farm.
Ntm many men have heard the phrase just want to be friends many many times. It's the disease you catch from being a "nice guy". Which is usually the guy you should've picked before the one you have cheated on you. Irony is life.
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