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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > Why do single parents WANT other single parents?      Home login  
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 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 23
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Why do single parents WANT other single parents?Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
I don't think you should be trying to convince anyone over the internet of anything, the right women will want to date you because of who you are. You are here looking to date, not procreate. Use all those contacts of yours that think you would be a great Dad/role model. People that recognize your strengths are great matchmakers.
Most kids already have a dad, so perhaps your approach may be wrong if you present yourself as looking to parent.
Have you ever considered becoming a Big Brother? If what you say about yourself is true, you'd probably be a really good one! And so many kids do not have a strong man in their lives.
 Loves_Apples
Joined: 9/18/2013
Msg: 24
Why do single parents WANT other single parents?
Posted: 10/21/2013 1:31:36 AM
I would love to meet someone with children. Only because I have always wanted more children in my life. I feel like I'm supposed to have more. I have an amazing 14 year old girl. The chance of creating a child at my age or in several years from now (when or if I meet the right person) is very slim. I don't want to be older and having to give birth. Especially with all the risk factors. I feel like it would be such a bonus to meet a man, fall in love and blend our families. However, I'm obviously not closed to meeting a man without children but there are parenting boundaries that come into play with that because my girls dad is in our lives.
 LoneScottishBoy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 25
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Why do single parents WANT other single parents?
Posted: 10/21/2013 11:45:57 AM
I think the reasons are multifold and will vary with each circumstance.

That’s said, I can relate my own reasons for dating a single parent.

Suddenly finding myself alone in the world was a shock and it took me a while to adjust to things as did my children. When I started dipping my toes in the dating pool, I found that there were really two types of women that were available in my area. Those who were single and those with kids from another marriage.

*CAUTION: Broad generalizations based from personal experience to follow..*

Most or all of the single ones I dated SEEMED to have some pretty major issues in their lives and it was apparent to me why they had never been married.
I thought my picker was off, but it turns out that it was actually set for other parents.
The single moms were (for the most part) terrific folks. They all seemed to understand the rigors of divorce and they shared my philosophy that the kids must be kept out of the dirt. Patterns ( more likely preferences for me) began to emerge.
It basically factored out like so:

1. Having more in common with them and knowing that it takes effort to sustain a LTR.
2. Understanding of parenting issues and scheduling follies.
3. Previous experience co-habitating with a person.
4. Similar “war wounds” and sensitivity to how they can manifest.
5. I’m pretty good with kids so they don’t scare me at all.

To add a few of my specifics, I was also looking for somebody who did the work needed after their divorce and also knew themselves well enough to understand themselves.
Someone who could not only name their issues but demonstrate that they could sort-of control them…mostly. 

The biggest thing for me was to find someone who could learn from their mistakes and who knew to give me space to make mine and try to correct them before asking for help.
I felt it would be easier to find this person in the single parents field.
I’m NOT saying that people in my age bracket (40-50) don’t have single people like that. It’s just that I wasn’t able to find any I could truly connect with.
The general consensus in the office poll is that this seems to be a preferred method for 10 out of 14 people. 
 tatersprout
Joined: 8/23/2013
Msg: 26
Why do single parents WANT other single parents?
Posted: 10/22/2013 2:15:03 PM
^^I totally agree. I would add:
6. More patience in understanding that you have to keep communication open with the ex.
7. Less chance of jealousy towards your relationship with your kids.
 Devilsfan58
Joined: 3/19/2009
Msg: 27
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Why do single parents WANT other single parents?
Posted: 10/23/2013 12:33:28 PM
Here is what I suggest if you are really that interested.

Go to your local YMCA or Red Cross Organization and find out when they are having Baby Sitting/CPR Certification Classes.
Sign up, attend both and pass the classes.
Advertise anywhere your Baby Sitting/Cpr Certification and your desire to watch said children while Moms go out for a night out.
Hopefully you don't have any questionable offenses on your record such as those of a sexual or violence nature.
Stand back and pick the gleam of your eye. Plan on doing this frequently. You might also look at what it takes to child proof a home and other concerns parents might have.
Please don't have a drug or alcohol problem. Cigarette smoking is heavily frowned upon too. If you language is raw on the edges... You don't want 5 year old Johnny going home and telling his mommy that babies come from. Clean it up.
Have good references or contacts lined up for the initial group that will want to know that you can do the job and didn't stay at a Holiday Inn Last Night.

It has been my experience that Single Parents want other single people. Just maybe not you for whatever reason that maybe.

Being male is another strike too. With all the pedophilia, child abuse, murder...etc

If you thought getting a dads permission to go out with his little daughter was tough. Standy for a pittbull and fresh meat when it comes to children and who parents particularily mothers let there children visit or go to.
Good Luck.
 5150Rivergirl
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 28
Why do single parents WANT other single parents?
Posted: 10/23/2013 2:37:39 PM
same reason single people with no kids wanting (prefering) another single non parent.
it's a preference.
some single parents (like myself) have this "non-verbal" way of understanding time restraints, cancelations, can't always go out, child sick, etc.
 rainserene
Joined: 10/27/2011
Msg: 29
Why do single parents WANT other single parents?
Posted: 10/26/2013 6:45:00 PM
I personally would say that the women who are posting this don't have it as a concrete block in their head, so much as are trying it because things weren't working out for them the other way. Especially online, where you have so many things to filter through, that may be the first thing they think would help.

Also consider this: Perhaps it isn't about how she feels about men who aren't parents, but how she feels about herself. Maybe she is self conscious about the demands of her children, her lack of time availability, or even her post-partum body. Or perhaps she can't have any more children, and wants a large family, so is hoping simply to build in that manner instead of some other drawn out process.

I personally can see pros and cons to the situation, and would never want to box myself in that way. I can tell you there is nothing more attractive than a man who is good with your kids, though.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 30
Why do single parents WANT other single parents?
Posted: 10/27/2013 10:57:52 AM

I personally can see pros and cons to the situation, and would never want to box myself in that way.

I believe there probably are several people who use their dating profiles in 'retaliation' for a bad experience and are kind of naive about the idea that lashing out DOES 'box' them in to a category. God knows we've seen several 'ranting' profiles in here about such-and-such.

Some generally bad assumptions made about people w/o kids (Mostly from the male perspective);
Feel free to discuss...
1) Wanting kids means wanting to date a 'baby factory'.
2) Wanting kids means ONLY 'Wanting' kids (i.e. a pedophile)
3) Not having kids of their own was because of some 'disturbing' issue - as if nobody EVER wanted to have sex with them
4) Not having kids already means they are lying about wanting kids now just to get laid
5) We have no concept of what children 'really' mean and are usually only vaguely aware of slightly shorter people running around the house
6) We want to fly in like a superhero and suddenly become 'Dad' to a bunch of kids who already HAVE one
7) We have no concept of time management or patience and the emergency situations that occur with kids

God forbid I comment about this directly to a parent as an 'outsider' - but as far as #7 goes, I know more than a few single parents who are totally the 'victims' of their children's schedules. They have kids booked into multiple sports or after-school activities, or they let their EX do it to them - and they become so burned out from long hours that their personal time 'out' they're basically a zombie and not a date. Yeah, you want your kids to make friends, do activities, play sports, and all kinds of stuff - but if you're spending more hours driving than you do sleeping, SOMETHING is not in balance. I dunno if it's a failure to say 'No' or what, but when people assume non-parents don't have any idea about their schedules, I seriously wonder sometimes if the parents had any idea THEMSELVES when they signed the kid up for this-or-that activity.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 31
Why do single parents WANT other single parents?
Posted: 11/6/2013 8:58:04 AM
When my profile was still up for dating, I had a requirement that if a male parent contacted me, that thier children all be over the age of 12. My preferance was actually a childless man.

I wanted this because my own son was older than 12 and my needing to arrange for a babysitter was over so I wanted to meet men in the same shoes. Men who could make plans and be spontaneous.

I had plenty of men write me to convince me that what I asked for, wasnt what I really wanted or that I was asking for too much. This did not go well for those men. LOL

The reality is, I did meet a childless man who I adore and still date to this day. It was what I wanted and I got it. Who is anyone else to tell me what I want or should want in my own life?

I imagine some single parents want to be around other single parents for thier own reasons, and they SHOULD state this on thier profiles if that is what they really are looking for online. It weeds out the ones who cannot fullfil that requirement...and while it sucks that it weeds you out, there are lots of women you can persue who did not weed you out by posting that requirement to thier profiles and you should focus on those ladies.

I can see if I was still mothering a young boy, I would likely feel more comfortable around men who were facing some of the same challenges...like not have the time to date, money to dine out, money to wear the latest fashions, issues with the ex on parenting...It wouldnt be guilt so much as just a natural pull towards folks who know what we are going through. As my son aged, I felt less and less of a pull towards other single parents...people evolve in what they feel they need as they grow. Im sure you have at a few points in your life had a change of heart in what you wanted.

For this moment in time, some of the ladies profiles you have viewed are asking for something you cannot provide. Just respect that and focus on the ladies who are not asking for what you cannot provide.
 or_current_resident
Joined: 6/3/2013
Msg: 32
Why do single parents WANT other single parents?
Posted: 11/6/2013 4:23:03 PM

Why is it that some people STILL assume at first blush that someone else being a parent makes them 'better' in the long run for their OWN kids?


Its not that they think they are better in raising a family then you, but more important in what's their AGE is right now.... hello....

Best look where those who first want to have children, & in that age group that responsibility & burden it brings.

imo, u might look at women in the proper age group first before thinking whats wrong,etc......good luck
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 33
Why do single parents WANT other single parents?
Posted: 11/6/2013 7:43:57 PM
What "age group" are YOU talking about? Women have kids from age 15 to 45. Women who want kids is equally as varied. What do you mean by the "proper age group"?
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 34
Why do single parents WANT other single parents?
Posted: 11/6/2013 9:20:46 PM

Posted by Sweet_Danimal:
"7.) We have no concept of time management or patience and the emergency situations that occur with kids."


Posted by Sweet_Danimal:
"God forbid I comment about this directly to a parent as an 'outsider' - but as far as #7 goes, I know more than a few single parents who are totally the 'victims' of their children's schedules."


You can say that again, brother. I make million-dollar decisions at work yet some parents are of the belief childless people allegedly do not "grasp" how a kid has to get from piano lessons to soccer practice with only 30 minutes between the two events? We are adults, we get the concept. ;-)
 kj521
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 35
Why do single parents WANT other single parents?
Posted: 11/7/2013 4:21:12 AM
Eric, we do get people without children understand the concept of shuffling kids between activites.....


But it is these statements by Sweet Danimal that we come to expect from childless people:


"God forbid I comment about this directly to a parent as an 'outsider' - but as far as #7 goes, I know more than a few single parents who are totally the 'victims' of their children's schedules"

"but if you're spending more hours driving than you do sleeping, SOMETHING is not in balance. I dunno if it's a failure to say 'No' or what, but when people assume non-parents don't have any idea about their schedules, I seriously wonder sometimes if the parents had any idea THEMSELVES when they signed the kid up for this-or-that activity."


The not understanding of why parents make the self sacrifices they do is wherein the problem lies......

When I gave birth to my children.....it was with a clear understanding that the rest of my life would be constantly weighing and balancing their needs, wants, and desires with regards to mine.... And theirs' usually win because of that pesky thing called unconditional love! Lol


And the sleeplessnes? That is why they are born as infants......it's God's way of conditioning parents!
Yeah.....you get few years in middle childhood of only sporadically losing sleep during middle of the night illnesses.....but then comes the teenage years!
 Tealwood
Joined: 12/16/2008
Msg: 36
Why do single parents WANT other single parents?
Posted: 11/7/2013 5:14:52 AM

When I gave birth to my children.....it was with a clear understanding that the rest of my life would be constantly weighing and balancing their needs, wants, and desires with regards to mine.... And theirs' usually win because of that pesky thing called unconditional love! Lol


Any yet we have woman who will suggest the man who does not want to date single custodial mothers are lacking or immature?

Want to talk about further about financial possibilities?

The reality is a single parent fully engaged in the needs and lives of their children can and are often are not suitable dating prospects when you look at potential time available after full time employment and fulfilling the children’s extra curricular activities.......They may understand better than you realize and do not wish to be an afterthought.
 kj521
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 37
Why do single parents WANT other single parents?
Posted: 11/7/2013 5:45:46 AM
"Any yet we have woman who will suggest the man who does not want to date single custodial mothers are lacking or immature? "


I would never suggest such a thing.....I would imagine there are some people who don't understand that it is a personal preference on whether or not to date single custodial parents......but not me.....I am a live and let live kind of person! :)


"The reality is a single parent fully engaged in the needs and lives of their children can and are often are not suitable dating prospects when you look at potential time available after full time employment and fulfilling the children’s extra curricular activities.."


Perhaps, not suitable for YOU! But I can guarantee that there are men out there that would love to have a "date" with me Friday night at the high school football game as I am keeping an eye on my 13 yr old daughter and her two giggling friends as they are checking out the high school boys!

Now...I will admit these men are rare and will be hard to find......but they are out there!

That is the beauty of dating and finding love, although difficult, when you find the one that not only you fit with but you can manage to incorporate your two lives together.....it is all worth it!
 Buterfly1978
Joined: 11/3/2013
Msg: 38
Why do single parents WANT other single parents?
Posted: 11/11/2013 4:58:33 PM
I prefer dating men who already have kids. Mostly because they usually know how to deal with the whole situation with kids. I guess I fear someone without kids may not have the patience to deal with kids.. I am not saying I wouldn't date someone who doesn't have kids, but I definitely prefer it.
 ohwhynot46
Joined: 6/28/2009
Msg: 39
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Why do single parents WANT other single parents?
Posted: 11/12/2013 4:50:26 PM

I've read several profiles of single Moms that aren't even subtle about the idea they are looking for a guy who is already a father vs. someone who does not have kids. Although I understand having 'experience' is a huge plus in that field, I seriously wonder if people think through all of the issues that can come about because you're essentially multiplying the difficulties of scheduling/dating for a single parent times TWO.


I don't disagree with the notion that being two single parents can make dating even more difficult, especially early on in a relationship, but I think it's a bit assumptive to suggest that the reason is because one who is already a parent is "better". Perhaps it has to do with understanding; understanding when you have to cancel a date because your child is ill; understanding when you have to postpone an overnight date because a child decides they don't want to spend the night at a friend's, etc. Perhaps it's not about "thinking through", but rather having had experiences.


Everyone I've ever met says I'd make a decent father, but convincing a single mom of that over the internet seems nearly impossible sometimes.


Try not to take is personally, as it may have nothing to do with another's view of you as a potential parent. More often than not, their child(ren) already has another parent, after all. A fairly brief perusal of these forums would indicate that most nonparents do not wish to be second. Most (decent) parents are not willing to put another before their offspring, so it would seem to make sense that they wouldn't choose to waste time on a relationship that is not likely to succeed, and at least is likely to take much longer to progress than would be the case if they did not have children.


Why is it that some people STILL assume at first blush that someone else being a parent makes them 'better' in the long run for their OWN kids?


Why is it that you assume that parents make relationship decisions solely on what is better for their children in the long run?

What I'm trying to say is that many of us, parents or not, choose our potential partners based on what past experience shows will be better for US in the long run, children included. Your feelings are valid, but please don't assume that is your potential for parenting alone that reigns supreme over one's decision whether or to date you.
 phenom_xm
Joined: 9/29/2013
Msg: 40
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Why do single parents WANT other single parents?
Posted: 12/18/2013 8:09:29 AM
I think its because other single parents understand what you go through. I am a single parent of one and I get ridiculed for wanting another single parent of one or someone with no children.
 Vertical-Man
Joined: 11/9/2013
Msg: 41
Why do single parents WANT other single parents?
Posted: 12/25/2013 11:51:38 AM
"Everyone I've ever met says I'd make a decent father, but convincing a single mom of that over the internet seems nearly impossible sometimes"

"I try to maintain the idea that being a good parent is about the right kind of behavior, the right kind of disposition, the right kind of patience for the job - and that disposition has virtually NOTHING to do with whether or not you've ever had kids before. Anybody can have kids, but it takes a bit more to be a 'Mom' or 'Dad'"

My sentiments exactly. It is indeed frustrating and discouraging that most single mothers assume that single men know nothing about parenthood when in reality being an exceptional parent largely depends on being an exceptional human being i.e, to strive in that direction by cultivating the virtues you mentioned. Your observations, Sweet Danimal, reminds me of Dr. Judith Rich Harris's research on "The Nurture Assumption" -the title of her book. An amazon review of her book says that

"parents play a very minor role in mental and emotional development. The Nurture Assumption explores the mountain of evidence pointing away from parents and toward peer groups as the strongest environmental influence on personality development. Rather than leaping into the nature vs. nurture fray, Harris instead posits nurture (parental) vs. nurture (peer group), and in her view your kid's friends win, hands down. This idea, difficult as it may be to accept, is supported by the countless studies Harris cites in her breezy, charming prose"

I wish single mothers and fathers were more aware of this and also realize that single men can be far more mature and grounded that men who were married in much the way atheist and agnostics can be just as loving, compassionate, mature and understanding than those who claim to be Christian.
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