Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Why some people prefer online dating than the old-fashioned way      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 BabblingBrookes
Joined: 2/14/2013
Msg: 82
Why some people prefer online dating than the old-fashioned wayPage 5 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

I absolutely loathe the term 'Settled For' the way a lot of people use it in here. It sounds so demeaning, like you're better than they are and yet *sigh* you're still willing to make an attempt. What a crock of BS.


lol, ok if that's your interpretation of what's being said then it's YOUR interpretation. It doesn't change the meaning of the word. You don't have to be "better" than someone to agree to be with them when you don't actually want to be. There's no judgment past, "You're better than nothing". I think that's a pretty crappy way to treat another human being. Have you never been loved by someone you didn't love back? Did you think you were better than them just because you didn't love them? That you've chosen to be with Someone rather than No One is to make a final decision , aka Settle. I honestly don't understand why you have such a problem with people choosing to be alone than be with someone for the sake of being with someone.


They go into it with , "Hey, if this doesn't work out, I can always hop right back on POF!"


A person would have to be a masochist to choose dating over a flawed but loving and rewarding relationship. You've been in the dating world. It's HORRIBLE! Budding optimism followed by dashed hopes. Who in their right mind would choose coming HERE again over talking to your boyfriend about an issue? When a person leaves a good but flawed relationship, I assume it's for a good reason. I don't assume it's because they want perfection. You fight to get into the relationship, you might as well fight to keep it. It's just that some relationships aren't worth fighting for, so you don't. Or you fight and realize you're fighting alone. Or you fight and realize that no amount of work will fix what's wrong. These things do happen.


LTRs are all about adaptability, not how many items you can check off your bucket list.


This I do agree with. I personally believe we become more of who we truly are than change as time passes. Much of who we think we are just isn't true. It isn't until you're tested that you come face to face with the real you. Sometimes you're pleasantly surprised, and sometimes it sucks. I don't listen when people tell me who they are. I didn't when my boyfriend told me. They just don't know. I watch, listen and accept. I strive never to get in my own way. Given time, everyone shows you who they are. You just have to let time do its job. I don't believe I've seen all that my boyfriend is, but I do believe I've seen much of what he isn't. I think that's the best way to handle the fact we don't know exactly who we're dealing with. Find out what you DON'T want and avoid it. The rest is workable.
 Iseedudpeople
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 83
Why some people prefer online dating than the old-fashioned way
Posted: 12/6/2013 2:54:35 PM

you -should- be perfectly happy single. The idea should be "I'm happy as-is, but it would be nice to find someone to add to my life, but if not, won't bother me."


While I agree that it's not a good idea to settle TOO MUCH ( IMO we all settle to a certain degree ), but to say that it wouldn't bother me to remain single would be a lie.

I know how it feels to be in a good relationship ( while it lasted that is ), and I miss it big time !

Sure , I'm ok to be single sometimes but other times there's a yearning I can't ignore . Usually the evenings .
 PlentyofThis123
Joined: 11/23/2013
Msg: 84
Why some people prefer online dating than the old-fashioned way
Posted: 12/6/2013 3:00:24 PM
I absolutely loathe the term 'Settled For' the way a lot of people use it in here. It sounds so demeaning, like you're better than they are and yet *sigh* you're still willing to make an attempt. What a crock of BS.


There's actually a good article/video from the TODAY Show, where there's an author that actually has a bookt, belive it or not, that says, "Forget Mr. Right, just settle for Mr. Good Enough" (Just google Mr Good Enough"). As odd as that title sounds , she does explain it where it makes perfect sense. She emphasizes that how women tend to focus too much one what does NOT matter in finding a mate as opposed to what actually matters.


While I agree that it's not a good idea to settle TOO MUCH ( IMO we all settle to a certain degree ), but to say that it wouldn't bother me to remain single would be a lie.


Yeah, I think some people aren't completely honest with themselves when they say it doesn't bother them to remain single, I"m sure at some point in their lives it does trouble them. Even though they have things or hobbies occupying their time which keeps their mind off of it, but when then they go to bed at night, some will be aware that when their head hits the pillow....they become more aware that there's no one beside them.

Also, people are constantly thumbing through these profiles as if they were a catalog from a dept store hoping find someone that's completely WITHOUT issues of any sort so they would have to little work as possible to work on the relationship if they were to be involve with them. After all the "perfect person" has no problems or issues or any faults....so might as well keep on looking through the endless options presented online?
 or_current_resident
Joined: 6/3/2013
Msg: 85
Why some people prefer online dating than the old-fashioned way
Posted: 12/6/2013 5:16:53 PM

When I was younger, before the internet, when I would see married people or people coupled up , their MAIN reason for meeting....."We met through friends", nothing simpler than that.

But with the online venue , I think people are being driven more to the online dating realm and not really keen on attempting to nurture relationships in person as much as they used to?


imo Op, both methods & results will produce or not the same success or not.
When I was freshly divorced, my friends were trying to fixing me up left & right….it was ok but I was not really ready, only till the fat lady said it was time to do that……^^^^^

And on the internet its not any simpler, it may seem like that because of its volume u are being exposed to in hoping….but its the same thing IRL & in reality…….
As both parties must feel the spark & equally if think in moving forward regardless of anything else……
As in two people…..that what only still counts…..not with volume or other preconceived notions….

So like life, keep a open mind…..and when lighting strikes when u both least expect it, go for it or move on……good luck
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 86
view profile
History
Why some people prefer online dating than the old-fashioned way
Posted: 12/9/2013 6:28:59 AM

I seriously beg to differ. Marriages and long-term partnerships are ALWAYS judged by time passed together and little else. Why? Because BOTH a lot of good times AND a lot of SH1T happens in 50 years. There's no conceivable way to judge 'quality' over THAT long of a time - but staying power - time DOES tell the story. LTRs are all about adaptability, not how many items you can check off your bucket list.


Are you ignoring the factual history that contextualizes my statement?

Does it matter how long someone stayed together if it was impossible for the woman to get out of the relationship due to being shunned by society and having no financial opportunities outside of it? Or if you're only doing so not to be ostracized by your peers/etc.?

"Sure, we're handcuffed to each other, but, hey, we're still together!"

It doesn't matter if the majority of people judge relationships by time passed - appealing to tradition is a fallacy for a reason. Exploring the -actual- historical reasons behind these things sheds a different light on the subject and shows that the tradition makes little sense.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 87
Why some people prefer online dating than the old-fashioned way
Posted: 12/9/2013 9:27:40 AM
abmccray and cautiousluv - I am truly sorry that your fears color your view of the future.

Maybe you should talk to more elderly couples who stayed together for multiple decades and still are together. You think because they quarrel constantly that they are always miserable? BS. For some couples that's foreplay! People gripe about problems ALL the time, but the people that tolerate and handle them are the ones who move on and keep going. Staying power is NOT about fears and threats and persecution - it's about adaptability. Through the years; laws, technology, morals, trends have all changed drastically. People that stuck together HAD to change in order to deal with them. It's no different with personality issues within the couple. People want to be so fiercely independent and in control, but you'll never be able retain a LTR until you're willing to share that power.

I still see a lot of failure in online dating is stuck on the idea you gotta pick 'right' in order to live happily ever after, and that's all the really matters. That's the biggest LIE ever told. There's a helluva lot of roller coaster bumps ahead once you leave the station. You take an educated guess, and decide if you want to stay with it or go elsewhere. You'll never really know at the start of you're meant to go 50 years or 50 minutes together - nobody does! But too many people in here keep a firm grip on the 'Eject' lever no matter who or how they date - which means they're gonna use it eventually.

The roller coaster ride happens regardless of what you do. Nobody has enough control to smooth out all the highs and lows and keep it on a straight path. Nobody.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 88
view profile
History
Why some people prefer online dating than the old-fashioned way
Posted: 12/9/2013 12:23:42 PM


When I was younger, before the internet, when I would see married people or people coupled up , their MAIN reason for meeting....."We met through friends", nothing simpler than that.


Makes me wonder how many of them actually did “meet through friends”, versus “hooking up” without the help of friends. There have been a number of couples that I knew who met at bars, or at the beach, or at an open air concert, and when asked later, the woman will always say, “Oh, we met through friends.” Women do not seem to ever be willing to admit that they were “picked up”.
 Nj2ut
Joined: 11/5/2012
Msg: 89
Why some people prefer online dating than the old-fashioned way
Posted: 12/9/2013 12:57:20 PM
I live in Utah we're the vast majority of singles are Mormon/LDS . Most Mormons don't date outside of their religion, so my dating pool is already reduced significantly upfront as a non Mormon. Plus a lot of people here marry at a much younger age then what I'm use back in New Jersey. So their social circles tend to be other married people and or other Mormons.

I do tend to the online and bar/club thing simply because it's increase my odds of meeting women who aren't Mormon/LDS. Since Mormons don't drink, I know if I go to a bar or club or search for those who drink socially online I'm going to get a pool of women that will be more likely a match.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 90
view profile
History
Why some people prefer online dating than the old-fashioned way
Posted: 12/9/2013 1:58:18 PM

abmccray and cautiousluv - I am truly sorry that your fears color your view of the future.

Maybe you should talk to more elderly couples who stayed together for multiple decades and still are together. You think because they quarrel constantly that they are always miserable? BS. For some couples that's foreplay! People gripe about problems ALL the time, but the people that tolerate and handle them are the ones who move on and keep going. Staying power is NOT about fears and threats and persecution - it's about adaptability. Through the years; laws, technology, morals, trends have all changed drastically. People that stuck together HAD to change in order to deal with them. It's no different with personality issues within the couple. People want to be so fiercely independent and in control, but you'll never be able retain a LTR until you're willing to share that power.

I still see a lot of failure in online dating is stuck on the idea you gotta pick 'right' in order to live happily ever after, and that's all the really matters. That's the biggest LIE ever told. There's a helluva lot of roller coaster bumps ahead once you leave the station. You take an educated guess, and decide if you want to stay with it or go elsewhere. You'll never really know at the start of you're meant to go 50 years or 50 minutes together - nobody does! But too many people in here keep a firm grip on the 'Eject' lever no matter who or how they date - which means they're gonna use it eventually.

The roller coaster ride happens regardless of what you do. Nobody has enough control to smooth out all the highs and lows and keep it on a straight path. Nobody.


...and where does "women were essentially property that could not get divorced for over half of the 20th century" fit into this equation? Or "men that were single in their 30s and up were assumed to be homosexual and held back a lot in society for that same amount of time?" Because, even though it was pointed out twice, at least, you refuse to factor this into anything you're saying about "couples staying together in the past and being happy even though it looked like they weren't."
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 91
Why some people prefer online dating than the old-fashioned way
Posted: 12/9/2013 3:49:53 PM

where does "women were essentially property that could not get divorced for over half of the 20th century" fit into this equation? Or "men that were single in their 30s and up were assumed to be homosexual and held back a lot in society for that same amount of time?"

What does ancient societal norms that DON'T apply today have to do with online dates versus real-life introductions? No-fault divorces have been around for a VERY long time now. People in their eighties have just as much right to divorce as people in their 20s. Being introduced to someone the 'old fashioned' way is not about dating a hundred years ago, or even 50 - this isn't a thread about arranged marriages or living under the thumb of a spouse. It's not about living in fear, or about who is allowed to vote. It's about STICKING TOGETHER once you've been introduced.

Non-traditional couples have stuck together for decades, even when it was legally forbidden to do so. They stuck together because they WANTED to be with each other. Now they get a chance to be legally married and accepted by society. They didn't stay together out of fear from society - they stuck together to OUTLAST that fear.

From the OP;

I think people are being driven more to the online dating realm and not really keen on attempting to nurture relationships in person as much as they used to?

Heck, yes. People make the mistake online of trying to establish a 'connection' with someone from the safety of their computer screens when dating doesn't really start until you meet for real. Online is merely another TOOL to use for introducing people, not a new way of dating. How you get introduced to someone does NOT matter. It's what you do AFTER you are introduced that matters.
 drivingharmony2
Joined: 6/23/2013
Msg: 92
Why some people prefer online dating than the old-fashioned way
Posted: 12/9/2013 7:59:20 PM

How you get introduced to someone does NOT matter. It's what you do AFTER you are introduced that matters.


Well said SweetD!
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 93
Why some people prefer online dating than the old-fashioned way
Posted: 12/9/2013 8:02:27 PM


and where does "women were essentially property that could not get divorced for over half of the 20th century" fit into this equation? Or "men that were single in their 30s and up were assumed to be homosexual and held back a lot in society for that same amount of time?" Because, even though it was pointed out twice, at least, you refuse to factor this into anything you're saying about "couples staying together in the past and being happy even though it looked like they weren't."


Jan 5, 1643:

First recorded divorce in the colonies was in 1643, the divorce rate during the Civil war was 5%.

BTW, the first divorce was filed by a woman, Anne Clarke of the Massachusetts Bay Colony.

My grandmother left my grandfather when the last child was 16, she didn't get a divorce, but moved to another city. She went back to college.

My aunt divorced her husband in 1945.

So I am not getting all this BS about women being property and not being able to get a divorce prior to 1950.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 94
view profile
History
Why some people prefer online dating than the old-fashioned way
Posted: 12/10/2013 6:29:39 AM

Jan 5, 1643:

First recorded divorce in the colonies was in 1643, the divorce rate during the Civil war was 5%.

BTW, the first divorce was filed by a woman, Anne Clarke of the Massachusetts Bay Colony.

My grandmother left my grandfather when the last child was 16, she didn't get a divorce, but moved to another city. She went back to college.

My aunt divorced her husband in 1945.

So I am not getting all this BS about women being property and not being able to get a divorce prior to 1950.


When talking about wholes, anecdotes and outliers are useless.

If people are going to be intellectually dishonest and ignore that people would be 1000% less likely to get divorced when support laws + lack of employment opportunities lessened the standard of life greatly, or communities/friends ostracized you for doing so up until the 60's - there's no point even continuing this discussion.

There were no "good old days" - you just had a larger percentage of people that stuck in bad relationships than now because of social reasons. Nor does being "picky" mean that you aren't just as or more happy being picky than someone sticking through the ups and downs of a relationship. Half of this thread is just the usual sour grapes of "women online aren't picking ME, therefore they're too picky and something is wrong with them, it was better in some mythical time before!"
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 95
Why some people prefer online dating than the old-fashioned way
Posted: 12/10/2013 10:43:28 AM

"women were essentially property that could not get divorced for over half of the 20th century"


Women in the USA were never property and divorce has always been available, that is the intellectually dishonest overstatement I object to.

No doubt people were much less likely to get divorced in the past. That isn’t' to say they couldn't have done so if sufficiently motivated to do so. Your post flatly stated they could not get a divorce, which was never true and isn't intellectually honest

Even 1000% more is a gross exaggeration. More like a 50% increase since the 1950s. Maybe a 400% increase since the civil war.

We are talking about statistics, which don't need to be debated, they are part of history. Divorce has always been available in the USA, and even the first half of the 20th century it was common enough.

You have to go all the way back to the civil war to see a divorce rate of 5%. But was at 5%, not anywhere close to 0%.




When talking about wholes, anecdotes and outliers are useless.

If people are going to be intellectually dishonest and ignore that people would be 1000% less likely to get divorced when support laws + lack of employment opportunities lessened the standard of life greatly, or communities/friends ostracized you for doing so up until the 60's - there's no point even continuing this discussion.

There were no "good old days" - you just had a larger percentage of people that stuck in bad relationships than now because of social reasons. Nor does being "picky" mean that you aren't just as or more happy being picky than someone sticking through the ups and downs of a relationship. Half of this thread is just the usual sour grapes of "women online aren't picking ME, therefore they're too picky and something is wrong with them, it was better in some mythical time before!"


I never thought the old days were good, people died young from wars, starvation and diseases. The grass is always greener when you don't have to deal with the total situation.

People's expectation of what constitutes a bad relationship has changed. Now people want to be fulfilled, in the past they were worried about surviving. Divorce laws also make it much easier to get a divorce. People live longer making a divorce more likely. People don't need each other now to prosper. Lot's of reasons for increased divorce and lack of stable relationships.

I can accept that it's possible people have gotten so picky about relationships they are no longer able to stay in one. Is that better for the individuals, well, not my problem really. I guess we will see how it all turns out in another 30 years.

There are always an elite group that likes the status quo in every age, that should be obvious.

But so many on these forums complain that it doesn't seem many are happy with the statue quo.
Online dating doesn't have anything to do with these trends, and most trends are self limiting, they don't go on forever. It's quite possible people will gradually not be interested in even a casual sexual relationship in the future. That is a developing trend.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 96
view profile
History
Why some people prefer online dating than the old-fashioned way
Posted: 12/10/2013 11:59:45 AM
We're talking about sociology, which follows huge societal trends. That means that raw percentages are only supportive, since correlation/causation can't be exactly proven in those cases.

I specifically said that women were ESSENTIALLY property. In other words, while they were not technically "property," in a situation where the only real jobs the vast majority of women could get were things like maids, clerks, and secretaries, and got paid pitifully for what they did, their only way of living comfortably in life was getting married to a man, and it made the prospect of divorce non-worthwhile. And men, in those days, expected their wives to cook/clean/have babies. While not technically that in exacts, in practice, it still essentially works out to a servant-type situation. These are the pre-Internet days that people are referring to (since there was only one real generation in between the two, and it was transitional and the divorce rate raised a great deal in that generation.

The reason this ties in is because whenever someone says "people used to stay together longer" in these types of discussions, this very major footnote is constantly ignored. It's an incomparable situation because of the huge addendum that the other half of the marriage equation has a lot more freedom in selection or the ability to even choose if they WANT to select that they didn't have before.

However, since trends also complain about how "entitled" American women are and how much better women in foreign countries (but only, suspiciously, those where women have less opportunity than the U.S.) are for dating, it seems like a lot actually do want to go back to those days.

Also, using these forums as an example of broad viewpoints is kind of faulty. Forums on dating sites tend to draw a disproportionate amount of extremes, especially on the bitter/angsty side. Self selected personality types and such.
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 10/8/2013
Msg: 97
Why some people prefer online dating than the old-fashioned way
Posted: 12/10/2013 10:47:09 PM
I would rather meet people in person instead of online, but I honestly wouldn't know where to find eligible men in the real world. I'm not into the bar scene and IRL men look at me but never approach me. And I don't like to approach men, neither online nor in real life. I've been to countless first meets with guys that sounded and looked great in their profile but either weren't what they claimed to be or, if they were, I felt no attraction/chemistry. I finally met someone online who turned out to be actually better IRL than in his profile. If things work out with him, all the awful online dating experiences I've had to go through before meeting him are worth it I would have never met him offline as he, like me, is not into the bar scene and has a busy life. And yes, I had a "wish list/check list", and he met them all and then some.
 wolvesatthedoor
Joined: 5/8/2013
Msg: 98
Why some people prefer online dating than the old-fashioned way
Posted: 12/11/2013 6:29:31 AM
Well op, it beats the hell out of me. But then again "old fashioned" to me is 35 years ago. That was right in the middle of the Disco era, and they were everywhere around here. Sure do miss the Buffalo to Niagara Falls NY corridor. Long sigh.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 99
Why some people prefer online dating than the old-fashioned way
Posted: 12/11/2013 10:20:53 AM
Why people don't stick together longer has plenty of factors beyond things like more civil rights and arranged marriages of yesteryear. Technology has sped up timelines to the point where people have NO patience - advertising is sold in five and ten-second increments, not only for Tv and Radio, but even digital billboards on the roadway. Texting has an ENORMOUS role in that loss of patience - people flip out if you don't text or tweet a reply back instantly (even if you are driving in a car). Systematically treating women like property has NOT been a 'major footnote' for at least 30 years - if not 50 - at least in America. Of course there were exceptions, but believing marriages lasted longer because of indentured domestic slavery is just jumping to a HUGE extreme.
 heybabaganoush
Joined: 7/20/2013
Msg: 100
Why some people prefer online dating than the old-fashioned way
Posted: 12/11/2013 4:02:59 PM

Why people don't stick together longer has plenty of factors beyond things like more civil rights and arranged marriages of yesteryear. Technology has sped up timelines to the point where people have NO patience - advertising is sold in five and ten-second increments, not only for Tv and Radio, but even digital billboards on the roadway. Texting has an ENORMOUS role in that loss of patience - people flip out if you don't text or tweet a reply back instantly (even if you are driving in a car). Systematically treating women like property has NOT been a 'major footnote' for at least 30 years - if not 50 - at least in America. Of course there were exceptions, but believing marriages lasted longer because of indentured domestic slavery is just jumping to a HUGE extreme.


Thing is, divorce rates have been dropping for over 30 years, and are at their lowest level since 1970. The exception are the Baby Boomers, whose divorce rates are skyrocketing. The primary factors for divorce are age at marriage and education level, not technology. People today that marry after 25 and have a college degree - who you would think would be at least above average in tech usage - have very low rates of divorce. At least anecdotally, that was true for my closest college friends. All of them college educated, and all married after 25. 6 couples, and all of them are still together after 15+ years. I'm the lone exception, and I "lasted" 14.
 or_current_resident
Joined: 6/3/2013
Msg: 101
Why some people prefer online dating than the old-fashioned way
Posted: 12/11/2013 4:54:54 PM

People today that marry after 25 and have a college degree - who you would think would be at least above average in tech usage - have very low rates of divorce.


You make some good points in why the selection has improved or greatly been modified from years ago for the upper middle class, middle class,etc….Or for any one who gets married or looks to be in a stable relationship together, which would in dearing over time & space...
Where it is done because of a loving partnership together first, a good career, stable family, environment, similar core values, beliefs, religions, and direction where each look to being successful……As these are not wants, but more important the intrinsic human needs…. in creating a better chance to have successes together, & individually……to share in each other goals…..

So if you build it….and have lived your life respectfully, with all those life experiences ....they or just that special one….will join you as one & u to her…..on line or IRL….
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Why some people prefer online dating than the old-fashioned way