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 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 24
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History
How do you guys do it?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
You are a newbie on here OP, and need to step back and have some patience with the whole meeting and greeting activity, and then the dating experience.

Life is to short to place all your marbles in this bag called POF, and if this site is your main opportunity for meeting others and dating, you will be disappointed many times over. It is just a tool to use just as all the other parts of your single life that will present you with opportunities for meeting others and then deciding if you want to pursue more or not.

Expand your horizons and join clubs, do activities that are not limited to dance clubs, bars, and social settings that many gather to hopefully find others of similar type, but hard to make happen. Just as on here, the numbers of those wanting and looking for the same things, just overwhelms the majority, and one loses the "one to one" experiences that will make the selection process much more enjoyable and hopefully successful.

When you least expect it, is when it will happen, and when not looking but just enjoying what you are doing, that is when someone will enter your life and give you the opportunity to know them better. Patience is your guide, and experience your mentor, so use both and enjoy the ride!

cd
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 26
How do you guys do it?
Posted: 11/21/2013 7:31:53 AM
"Girls on here don't have the courtesy to respond to most messages"

Let's back up a second here before this comment is allowed to get away with itself.

From an ex online dating buff, here's the scoop: If a guy messages you and you arent interested, and you repond nicely that you are not interested, you risk the wrath of God. I've been verbally abused, berated, spewed at, accused of having no sex drive, accused of being a "cold fish" and called all the names in the book. This after just simply, and very nicely, explaining I felt there is no match.

For alot of guys, this is not going to be the end of it. Now that they have a "foot in the door" and know I will respond, I would not only get the torrent of abuse (and one guy wrote this really really long thesis on on my personal hang ups, sort of like what a college professor would write)..there's also the guys who want to get into a discussion about "so what exactly is it about me that you dont like?" in order to drag the conversation out longer, get me to stay engaged, etc...removing these men is like trying to get gum off your shoe. They just cannot get a clue.

And I've been stalked, from site to site, the guy will find me on another dating site and message me with crude comments, nasty remarks, mocking me for "still being online."

You get the idea. I wish I could type this out for every single message I read where they guy thinks women are being stuck up or something for not responding.

No. We are tired of being abused. That's really about it. If men in general online were more cool, and could accept that most invitations are declined, and handle it gracefully and maturely, the flowers will bloom. Men seem to think that by tromping on the flowers, they are going to look and act beautiful.
 LoneScottishBoy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 27
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History
How do you guys do it?
Posted: 11/21/2013 7:50:04 AM

We are tired of being abused. That's really about it. If men in general online were more cool, and could accept that most invitations are declined, and handle it gracefully and maturely, the flowers will bloom.


Totally agree. I have seen guys just go off the deep end when they feel slighted.
The sad thing is its really just like being in a bar or party.

But even though it is a less personal thing, they take it way more perosnally than if they met in person.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 28
How do you guys do it?
Posted: 11/22/2013 4:28:27 PM
Rickys10- It's never a good idea to use a photo picturing you with a woman on POF. Women see that and think she could be your girlfriend. Get rid of that photo. I don't recommend inviting people to look at your facebook page. That's personal and off limits until you are more serious with someone.
Don't take rejection on POF so seriously, it will happen again, such is online dating.
I buy lottery tickets every now and then, but I know the odds of winning, so I keep my day job ;)
So it is with dating. POF should not replace getting out in the real world.
Good luck :)
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 29
How do you guys do it?
Posted: 11/23/2013 8:27:37 AM
My "approach" to dating was always not to approach it - to ignore the process unless/until I met someone I wanted to date; once I do THEN I will consider dating if it's a mutual interest. That pretty much eliminates the question of how I'll find someone to date - basically I'm never looking. Add to that the fact that I won't consider anyone who's not at least mutually interested, and the fact that I am social everywhere I go with no agenda and fine single or not. Most relationships I ended up in I wasn't looking to get into - they were accidental. Dating is a pretty stress free topic for me.

On this site I pretty much joined to help a friend get back out there after a divorce and found the forums, where I spend most of my time. If I have met anyone while single by checking my inbox it was a nice bonus, but never a goal.

I don't expect most people to get or do this, but it's always worked really well for me.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 30
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History
How do you guys do it?
Posted: 11/23/2013 9:09:30 AM
Great approach and attitude "woman", and your statement fits me as well, and my philosophy for being single, dating, and being on any social site, especially this one!

The best seems to happen to me when I am not looking or trying so hard, yet just like shopping, one must be willing to window shop, and keep options open, even if not ready to buy yet!!

cd
 nyceguy85
Joined: 1/11/2013
Msg: 31
How do you guys do it?
Posted: 11/23/2013 12:35:35 PM
I hate to break it to you OP, but this site is not designed for guys like you. It is designed for women who are unable to get dates through face to face interaction to give them an ego boost. What gives those type of women an ego boost? Guys like you. Guys who are good, have goals in life and arent on here to play games. So many women on here are jaded to the point they aim to reject as many guys as possible to build their own self esteem up. What you also need to realize is that you dont have to be a misogynist, creepy, unattractive jerk for a woman on here to write you off. Women on here can write you off simply because you dont wear name brand clothing. They can write you off because your hair is a certain length or because you did not send them the exact wording that they preferred in the initial message. If you want my advice, dont rely on POF to find love or decent people. Also, ignore advice that suggests you need to change who you are to get a date on here. If you have to be someone you are not to get a woman to recognize you, is that a referendum on her or you?
 nyceguy85
Joined: 1/11/2013
Msg: 32
How do you guys do it?
Posted: 11/23/2013 12:38:50 PM
Also OP, most of the women on here will ignore the messages you send to them. Keep in mind this is their site and they pick and choose who they want to be respectful towards. Most lack respect, class and proper decorum so dont take it personal that the women on here ignore your messages. Its just how things are done on here. Those type of women dont believe in finding a mature and intellectual way of expressing their lack of romantic interest in the opposite sex.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 34
How do you guys do it?
Posted: 11/23/2013 9:47:51 PM

The best seems to happen to me when I am not looking or trying so hard, yet just like shopping, one must be willing to window shop, and keep options open, even if not ready to buy yet!!

That's where I go wrong. I don't try at all, and don't think about it much unless someone crosses my path that makes me want to think about it. Good thing is that if they don't - I am blissfully ignorant to the fact that I'm not part of a couple (oh, the horror).
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 35
How do you guys do it?
Posted: 3/30/2014 11:17:32 AM
OK, you CAN get help making your profile better, but in the end, it's meaningless. Online dating isn't about what's inside, it's how hot you are. Need proof? When's the last time you messaged someone that you didn't think was at least an 8? Guys and girls are the same.

There's really only one way to be successful on sites like these. Not care at all what the outcome is. Step back. You hear about TONS of people coming to this site, and then when they finally meet someone, it wasn't here. John Stamos can come on POF and get met with constant rejection that's just life here. Guys are always going to see a better girl, and girls are always going to be messaged by better guys.

Any actual dates you have are going to be even worse. Think about all the reasons that you decided to come here instead of sticking to offline. What's your plan when it's time to actually meet the girl?

If you're looking for just random people to talk to, and if there's any interest there, maybe meet for lunch with no pressure and just see how everything works out, that's the ONLY way to be successful on online dating sites.
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 36
How do you guys do it?
Posted: 3/30/2014 11:49:38 AM
From an ex online dating buff, here's the scoop: If a guy messages you and you arent interested, and you repond nicely that you are not interested, you risk the wrath of God. I've been verbally abused, berated, spewed at, accused of having no sex drive, accused of being a "cold fish" and called all the names in the book. This after just simply, and very nicely, explaining I felt there is no match.


I'm gonna shed a little light on this one, because while there's a lot of psychos on here, there's things women CAN do to completely avoid this situation while still telling the guy.

What people have to remember, is WE'RE NOT DUMB!!!!!! We know the girl wasn't busy for 72 hours straight. We know she went on a date last night while still making plans to go out with us. We know that the rejection to follow is because we were only her backup.

First, if it's the first message, you can typically just ignore it. When a conversation is already established the easier way to turn down a guy is to tell him. Vanishing is why they take it out on the next girl that rejects them. You know that saying that you have to give respect to get it? Well when you girls just keep disappearing on guys, not even seeing them as worthy enough of a response to asking you out, they're not exactly going to respect women. Consistently give people a reason to respect you, and stuff like this will calm down.

Second, you're not clever. We can guarantee you that whatever excuse you have that you can't date us, we've heard over and over again. Do you have any idea how many girls were busy, but posting nonstop on facebook? This goes back on the respect thing. You need to be honest. We get lied to so much that as soon as we hear these lines we know you're lying to us.

Third, no double standards, PERIOD!!!!!!! If you want us to only be interested in dating you because of your personality, not how you look, then how we look needs to mean nothing to you. If we have to look past your weight, then you need to look past our height. If we have to have a car and our own house, so do you. When a lot of you can't fit your own demands of the other person, that's when we start calling you shallow.

And fourth, guys and girls, give at least a 1-2 week commitment to someone. That means take that time for THEM, not have a date lined up for the next night, or be actively looking for your next date before you even went on the first one. Love at first sight isn't going to happen. You're also probably not going to get to experience that fairytale relationship where everything is just perfect. This stuff takes time, and a few emails are going to tell you NOTHING about what the other person really is. If you guys meet or go on a date and you think it went great, but he just wasn't everything you wanted, still give it a second date. See if you start overlooking where he fell short to you. You're not going to meet that perfect person, ever. If by some rare change you actually do, I can guarantee they're married with a family by now, and then even still, why should he/she date you? Give yourself a little time to see if you start to look past those flaws. This is a big part of why so many people fail here, they're just not content with reality. If by after the 2nd or 3rd date, there's just nothing there for you, you'd be amazed how much easier it is for the guy to take the news after he saw that you actually tried.

And bonus: Avoid personal attacks. When you reject a guy telling him he's too short, you don't date fat people, he's ugly... What do you honestly expect the outcome of that to be?

Basically, just use (un)common sense.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 37
How do you guys do it?
Posted: 3/30/2014 12:02:26 PM

There's really only one way to be successful on sites like these. Not care at all what the outcome is. Step back.

Bingo. The more you care the more it's going to bother you. Simple simple.
 ozsealady1
Joined: 6/13/2013
Msg: 38
How do you guys do it?
Posted: 3/30/2014 8:26:12 PM
And bonus: Avoid personal attacks. When you reject a guy telling him he's too short, you don't date fat people, he's ugly...

^^^^
Does anyone REALLY say that?
If so you are much better off without them.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 39
How do you guys do it?
Posted: 3/31/2014 10:22:49 AM

I guess the last straw for me was


The last straw...

This is the excuse that men that have no balls have for everything. EVERYTHING. THEY give up. They do not understand that to win at anything you have to amass a ton of failure. And each time you get up and try again, you learn some small, tiny lesson that then apply to the next time you try.

But to change this you have to stop thinking in terms of each time you try something, that not achieving is failure. Failure IS stopping. Winning is defined as trying. The one that tries, the one that perseveres eventually wins.

The fact that you're communicating means you're winning. The fact that they are rejecting means you're winning. The fact that you don't like them sometimes, or they don't like you sometimes means you are winning. When you give up, when you start to find the excuses, I am too shy... I am not attractive... I am not rich or famous... You gave up.

They will not like me, so I will pretend to be something else. If that is what it takes to start. Do it. Why, because in the end you have to invent yourself. And who you think you are. You persevere. You become.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 40
How do you guys do it?
Posted: 3/31/2014 1:11:25 PM

Of those 10 or so first dates that I've gotten from online dating sites, 5 of them resulted in sex.

Of the 5 that resulted in sex, only one of them resulted in an actual, long term relationship. We dated for two years


Dude. What a great story you got. And the thing is, you are not a hot looking guy. You look about average. Your photos don't look super polished, or like you give a r ats a ss. And that is why it's working for you.

I don't consider myself attractive either. Yet I am in the same boat as you. I've dated a ton of women. Most of them from online. Even when I did not give a s h it, I found someone that was very good looking to date.

All the points that you said and indicated are right on the money. It's more about attitude than looks. It's about how mentally you approach it. In your kind of grungy look you radiate "take me as I am or else." But it also says, there's a fun challenge here.

Every single hot women that I have gone out with dated some gorgeous guy before that turned to be a disappointment because they were too narcissistic, controlling, or cheated. We have to thank the arrogance of those guys. Because of their behavior, women then look a little deeper into your intelligence, into your character, and away from looks.

What most of the guys b it ching here don't realize is that it's their attitude what keeps them from dating anybody.
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 41
How do you guys do it?
Posted: 4/2/2014 8:46:16 AM

Does anyone REALLY say that?
If so you are much better off without them.


All the time. It's harder to catch it if you're a girl, since you're typically not asking them out, but us guys get it way too much. It's like girls around my age just have no filter. To them, easily turning someone down is actually being harder on him than just not being interested. They say whatever they want, no matter how much it puts someone down... And height is one of their big ones. I've personally been rejected twice so far "because I'm ugly". When I responded by telling one of them that she was fat, I'm the bad guy.

That's all fine to have those preferences, you just don't have to tell someone the reason is that they're not tall enough. If a guy says a girl is too fat, he's terrbile. You just can't be surprised when the guy stands up for himself if you say something like that.

We're just too expendable to too many girls. They demand respect, yet have none for anyone else. A lot of guys can back up from experience on here, that when a girl rejects a guy and gets flipped out on, a lot of times there's more to the story. Either she was a terrible person in how she did it, or she wasted a lot of his time, something... There is no way that just flipping out just because a girl isn't interested in him is that common. And some girls it never happens to, and some it's all the time, I think the common element in those experiences is the girl.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 42
How do you guys do it?
Posted: 4/2/2014 6:27:59 PM

I've personally been rejected twice so far "because I'm ugly". When I responded by telling one of them that she was fat, I'm the bad guy.

If she is fat (to you), I have to question your selection process. Why would you have asked anyone out that you feel that way about?
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 43
How do you guys do it?
Posted: 4/2/2014 11:37:35 PM
She wasn't fat, I just thought it was fair to respond to her personal attack on me with one on her.

But to her, that was clearly the wrong answer. I was supposed to just be called ugly and just, I guess thank her.

But it does happen all the time. I'm not denying that there's guys that just flip out on a girl because she doesn't want to date them, I'm just saying that women hold their fair share of the blame for the times that happens. A LOT of them bring it on themselves. And it's not only online. Either way, when it seems to be happening to anyone repeatedly, it might be a good idea to share your rejection message to them word for word with us (of course hide names) and let the rest of us see if it's just you.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 44
How do you guys do it?
Posted: 4/3/2014 8:09:29 PM

She wasn't fat, I just thought it was fair to respond to her personal attack on me with one on her.

OK, except she wasn't interested and may have thought you were ugly (it's on her for having no social skills). You on the other hand were just trying to take a shot back. Very Junior High.

But to her, that was clearly the wrong answer. I was supposed to just be called ugly and just, I guess thank her.

Yes - it was pretty juvenile. Shame on her for not realizing it was BS since you had already shown interest. You weren't supposed to do anything but realize it wasn't a match and move on. This was a stranger - why did it bother you so much?

But it does happen all the time. I'm not denying that there's guys that just flip out on a girl because she doesn't want to date them, I'm just saying that women hold their fair share of the blame for the times that happens. A LOT of them bring it on themselves. And it's not only online. Either way, when it seems to be happening to anyone repeatedly, it might be a good idea to share your rejection message to them word for word with us (of course hide names) and let the rest of us see if it's just you.

If a girl goes beyond a "no thanks" and decides to explain why in a way that's insulting - that's her problem. Why take it so personally from someone who can't even interact with people on a respectful level? Count your blessings and move on.
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 45
How do you guys do it?
Posted: 4/4/2014 8:51:34 AM
Once or twice, it's easy to just forget it and move on. 3 times in the last month it starts to get a little excessive, and it's a lot easier to decide to tell them off. We are all still human, everyone has their breaking point. You can only take so much.

I know I'm not exactly the most attractive guy, I can lose some weight, be a little more outgoing... But it's not something that has to be targeted over and over. Even though I'm a guy and we tend to hide it, I do still have emotion, over time, hearing this stuff over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over does get to me.

It's not my fault I wasn't born hot, or that I'm not over 6feet, or anything like that. I don't have to be constantly reminded. It's not that A girl did it, it's that A LOT of girls did it. And I'm just done. Now if you're going to insult me, I'm going to do the same right back. I'm not going to just sit back and be a joke to these girls anymore. If they go out of their way to do that, they don't deserve my respect, and there's a good chance I'll take that opportunity to take out a bad day on them.

Or all they had to do was just not be a terrible person.
 LoneScottishBoy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 46
view profile
History
How do you guys do it?
Posted: 4/4/2014 9:14:33 AM

It's not my fault I wasn't born hot, or that I'm not over 6feet, or anything like that. I don't have to be constantly reminded. It's not that A girl did it, it's that A LOT of girls did it. And I'm just done. Now if you're going to insult me, I'm going to do the same right back. I'm not going to just sit back and be a joke to these girls anymore. If they go out of their way to do that, they don't deserve my respect, and there's a good chance I'll take that opportunity to take out a bad day on them.


The biggest turn off that I know of for women is self pity...and yet here you are rolling around in a big puddle of it...and then you threaten to "take out a bad day on them".

You focus on what you dont have and you place the blame soley on them...until you acknowledge the good and positive sides of yourself, no woman will want anything to do with you.

It's not them...it's your attitude about yourself.
...and that IS something you can change.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 47
How do you guys do it?
Posted: 4/4/2014 12:34:25 PM

Once or twice, it's easy to just forget it and move on. 3 times in the last month it starts to get a little excessive, and it's a lot easier to decide to tell them off. We are all still human, everyone has their breaking point. You can only take so much.

On the contrary, the more you experience something, the more desensitized you should be to it. Unless, of course you're wrapping yourself up in what total strangers are saying and doing - that's on you, not them.

I know I'm not exactly the most attractive guy, I can lose some weight, be a little more outgoing... But it's not something that has to be targeted over and over. Even though I'm a guy and we tend to hide it, I do still have emotion, over time, hearing this stuff over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over does get to me.

We are all ugly to someone. I personally know I am not attractive to way more people than I am attractive to. Some have told me this. Why should this bother me? I'm supposed to be the sensitive gender, and I could care less. A person finding me unattractive doesn't mean I am unattractive to the masses - but so what if I am? If you've ever dated anyone - ever than you know that a select few (or even a couple) will find you attractive. The rest don't matter whether they tell me or not.

It's not my fault I wasn't born hot, or that I'm not over 6feet, or anything like that. I don't have to be constantly reminded. It's not that A girl did it, it's that A LOT of girls did it. And I'm just done. Now if you're going to insult me, I'm going to do the same right back. I'm not going to just sit back and be a joke to these girls anymore. If they go out of their way to do that, they don't deserve my respect, and there's a good chance I'll take that opportunity to take out a bad day on them.

Oh please - none of us were born hot. No one is hot to everyone. Once you're past like oh I don't know - 14 years old it's really immature and petty to return insults to people who DON'T MATTER ANYWAY. YOU are allowing them to matter. I don't care what you've been through - if so called "rejection" is bothering you more over time than less - it's either time to take a break or talk to someone.

Or all they had to do was just not be a terrible person.

There are a lot of terrible people out there - you can't control what those people will say or do - the only person you hurt is yourself trying to change them, teach them a lesson or lash out with (what you feel is) an equal insult. If your mindset were different and you weren't seeing your self worth reflected in who wants to date you, you'd have a different response. I know men who are average or not the most attractive who are positive and happy anyway. That tends to make them more attractive to women.

Eh, it's your choice how you want to see it. You're going to be a lot more frustrated with your life doing it your way, but it can't be that bad if you continue on with it.

The biggest turn off that I know of for women is self pity...and yet here you are rolling around in a big puddle of it...and then you threaten to "take out a bad day on them".

You focus on what you dont have and you place the blame soley on them...until you acknowledge the good and positive sides of yourself, no woman will want anything to do with you.

It's not them...it's your attitude about yourself.
...and that IS something you can change.

Very true. And what's more - it's a vicious circle a lot of people go in. Not getting what you want makes you resentful, and having a resentful attitude will prevent you from getting what you want. And on and on it goes and it will get more intense unless/until you snap and become dangerous to yourself or others - or you figure out how to change the mindset that you are owed a companion and the universe isn't complying.
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 48
How do you guys do it?
Posted: 4/5/2014 10:26:47 AM

The biggest turn off that I know of for women is self pity...and yet here you are rolling around in a big puddle of it...and then you threaten to "take out a bad day on them".


Actually, no, I'm not. I deal with it. I live my life perfectly fine.

My issue is "No, you're ugly" vs "I'm not interested". Just because a girl doesn't think I'm attractive, it doesn't mean it's a free ticket to have complete disrespect for me.

Is it REALLY wrong to just be tired of hearing it? I don't care what someone's opinion of me is, just keep it to yourselves. Don't go out of your way to be offensive. I'm just at the point that if you feel the need to go out of your way to do something like that, I'm just going to do it back, you earned it.
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