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 SweetlySoft
Joined: 10/8/2013
Msg: 26
Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To MePage 2 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
wow!! You got it all wrong. I moved here for work. I met him online before I moved. I had already made the decision and was committed to moving BEFORE I joined an online dating site. And yes, I didn't choose the town I lived in for search purposes on the dating site, I chose the town I was moving to. And no, we did not discuss anything about the future BEFORE we met.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 27
Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 10/28/2013 2:10:29 PM

Yet, he is saying that she is the best thing for her and wants to marry her, buy a house, etc.

Huh???
I see nothing about all this. Were you a mouse in the bf's pocket, or are you just projecting?

OP, add my name to the list of those who say it's the meds.
But I'm not sure that this relationship can be salvaged now. I do not mean to discourage you from trying,but try to keep some perspective. His ED issues are NOT your fault.
Cindy O
 usmale6
Joined: 9/14/2013
Msg: 28
Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 10/28/2013 3:03:06 PM
It's a very sad and non-politically correct thing to say, but the truth is that more men are attracted to women who are in shape. Besides, it's healthier.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 29
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Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 10/28/2013 5:31:13 PM
Oh come on, it's nothing about PC, there are a slew of men who love women of all different sizes. It's really silly to think that most men want this or that, just like most women don't want the same thing, we all have our preferences. You hear this all the time....most women want men with hair, well no, some do some don't, some don't care. It's the same with just about every body part, you can't live your life thinking well most men only want fit, healthy women, partly because tons of fit women aren't healthy and tons of not fit women are just as healthy as can be. You, you want fit, healthy women, and that's fine but could we just stop with the 'most men/women want' scenario and stick to what we, as individuals, might want and not blaming PC and not speaking for others?
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 30
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Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 10/28/2013 6:28:21 PM
I agree with the above, but also, scientist say men are attracted to women who are healthy because of the instinct to breed. It is a survival of the fittest instinct. Just as we are "programmed" to be attracted to someone who will provide for us and our children so we can parent, and to keep both safe, they are programmed to produce offspring who will survive.

Signs of that kind of health include facial symmetry and hip width, but they did not say anything about weight, just general health (and I'm assuming strength). I would assume things such as skin tone, shiny hair, posture, etc. would be signs of health.

I think other things such as build are media programmed at a pretty young age.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 31
Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 10/29/2013 9:52:33 AM
Message #32
I stand corrected, but in my defense please note that this was the tag end of a sentence near the end of the post.

Overall, OP, if you and he are sexually incompatible( I would think that being unable to HAVE sex with one another would be the EPITOME of sexual incompatibility), I don't see this working out.
However, there are people who have paired up under the philosophy of "half a loaf is better than none",and there are people who are attracted to those of a bit more heft.

Frankly,IMO. if this guy is under such heavy medical treatment for depression and anxiety, perhaps he should not be looking to forge relationships until that situation stabilizes. I realize that having someone in your corner when dealing with a problem is a big help, and I would have utterly zero patience with someone who bailed on an already-established relationship( unless the ill partner has become abusive), but I cannot support the idea of going forward trying to forge a new relationship with someone undergoing treatment for acute depression.
Cindy O
 lookinfouryoutoo
Joined: 7/31/2012
Msg: 32
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Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 10/29/2013 2:11:31 PM
OP: I have been in a similar situation with some women I've met. Great girls, we got along well, but I couldn't date them since I'm not into bigger women. Maybe he does have an ED problem, maybe he doesn't I know I'm pretty sure I;d have a tough time keeping an erection with a woman that was 250 lbs too, the necessary attraction just isn't there.


I think other things such as build are media programmed at a pretty young age.


Nonsense. This is just crap overweight people say to justify their life choices. If someone is cool with being overweight, that's fine. No need to make up stuff to make it seem like overweight women are just as attractive as your average in shape bikini model. Same reason you see women going nuts over actors like Channing Tatum and not guys like Kevin James.
 Archiver
Joined: 3/10/2013
Msg: 33
Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 10/29/2013 5:26:02 PM
There is no percentage in pursuing someone who just isn't that into you. Let go and move on.
 HonkyTonk_Woman
Joined: 9/16/2013
Msg: 34
Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 10/29/2013 6:31:22 PM

Same reason you see women going nuts over actors like Channing Tatum and not like Kevin James.

I love Kevin James and I have to tell you....even in my thinner...younger days...I was attracted to heavier, meatier type men...so there!!

To the OP.....Man, if a man said that to me...I'd be saying see ya!
You my girl...need to take pride in yourself and respect yourself...don't put up with anybody making you feel bad....
 fieryredhead77
Joined: 12/17/2012
Msg: 35
Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 10/29/2013 7:18:36 PM
People 'prefer' things because that is whatever the media is feeding to us at any given time. For example, thirty years ago men and women didn't have to keep themselves shaved and waxed to prepubescent form to be considered sexy, but now you are weird if you have body hair. If media didn't tell us what to think (or a billion dollar diet industry that doesn't work) people may be more apt to have a different opinions on body size. This had been proven in different cultures. There are cultures even now there love large people.

That said, Op, do you want a sexless relationship? It is easier to stop now than 5 year and a nasty divorce later. Ask anyone who has been through one. H ave you lost weight in the past? You realize that statistically speaking over 90 percent of people who loose weight (even with bariatric surgery) gain all their weight back. Not to be a downer, just realism. If you never lose another pound will he be happy? And more importantly, can you?
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 36
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Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 10/29/2013 7:40:43 PM

He says I am beautiful, that I have beautiful eyes, and smile.....but he doesn't like anything below my neck I guess.


Only he knows what he wants. I don't know the guy. It's possible that he's naturally attracted to smaller women but wants to make it work with you. If that's the case, don't be surprised if he's turned off if you don't take your goal of losing weight seriously. You know what kind of woman he wants, he's being honest about it. Good luck.
 Peppermint_Petunias
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 37
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Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 10/30/2013 3:20:54 AM

This man is not a keeper.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Not by a long shot.

Im thinking he will never be attracted to you.



I think being * depressed* he just wants SOMEONE around that is "the best thing that ever happened to him".
A companion, mother figure, someone that tolerates his issues,probably would help with bills and such.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 38
Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 10/30/2013 5:01:44 AM
Now, the other night, he breaks down and tells me that I am awesome, and amazing that I am the best thing that has ever happened to him, but he's not sexually attracted to me!

translation: you'll put up with his bullshit like no one else before, but he is not sexually attracted to you. it doesn't matter though, since he's depressed ANYWAY sex is not something he really wants.


He talks about us buying a house together, he wants to marry me,

after only 8 months, most of which was on line chatter? and 'he wants to marry you' didn't make your head snap back like a pez container?

ok. he is a leech and it seems like you can't even see it because makes nicey nice to you. flatter, flatter, pile it up. doesn't him saying you're beautiful and amazing sort of bowl you over?
 grizzelda
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 39
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Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 10/30/2013 5:30:05 AM

think being * depressed* he just wants SOMEONE around that is "the best thing that ever happened to him".
A companion, mother figure, someone that tolerates his issues, probably would help with bills and such.


I think that this is probably more the case, the Op is his emotional soother, she likes this guy despite all his issues, and is willing to over look them, what's not to like here? Its a home run for this guy.

She suits his needs at the moment and as soon as they change, she will be gone and he will be able to tell her that "he told her" that he wasn't attracted to her, thanks for the memories and he would like to be friends...
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 40
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Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 10/30/2013 6:40:40 AM
His meds may be lowering his libido, but that has nothing to do with love and sexual chemistry between the two of you. He's blaming his ED on you and that is unfair and mean.
You deserve a man that loves you for who you are whether you are a size XXL or a S. This is not the man.
His lack of interest is exactly that, complete lack of interest.
Plenty of men are out there that will love you through stress, weight gain, job loss, PMS etc. go out and find yourself a guy that does not make excuses, but is always looking for new ways to love and excite you.
 Paderic
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 41
Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 10/30/2013 6:55:09 AM

People 'prefer' things because that is whatever the media is feeding to us at any given time.


That is such a crock. I have always been attracted to women that are at a healthy weight and I have always found fat to be unattractive. It is not because I've been brainwashed by the media.

This blame it on the media stuff is just a fat person whine.
 fieryredhead77
Joined: 12/17/2012
Msg: 42
Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 10/30/2013 7:59:43 AM
You have 'always' found it attractive, yes. You have also always been bombarded with media telling you that fat is bad thin is good. This is basic psychology. You can convince anybody to hate anything given time. Check, a very easy example is an experiment you can probably Google that has been reproduced about 'Brown eyes, and blue eyes' within hours you are able to convince children that something is bad. Take lifetime of 'lose weight now' and fat is awful and of course you 'naturally' (haha) like thin people. If you really don't believe media and popular culture makes no difference in your personal beliefs, you don't understand how humans work. I am not whining about anything, it is a fact. I have also lived in 5 other countries and worked with people all over the world, so I am not just coming up with the 'other culture' thing from nowhere.

I am a fat person who deals with this same issue. I personally am not attracted to obese men, but I am obese. Hypocritical?completely! The funny thing for me is that I have never had a fat person interested in me. I have, for the most part only dated (and married) very fit, athletic, thin men. Go figure. I am also very aware of where my own fat hating beliefs come from and don't participate in things that try to make me think a certain way, like Tv. Although it is impossible to get completely outside the fat hating culture. Babies from birth go to the grocery store and see the tabloids of those 'disgusting' celebrity beach bodies, and the perfect ones too. We are all primed all the time in what to believe.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 43
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Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 10/30/2013 10:14:36 AM
" This is just crap overweight people say to justify their life choices"


Things like this just make me so angry, not for myself, but for others. My sister didn't CHOOSE to inherit a the genetic thyroid disorder that is wrecking her entire body, making her loose her hair, and making one eye bulge out more than the other at only 45 years old. My aunt didn't CHOOSE to have the same disorder that had her in a wheel chair for the same reasons of whole body damage at only 55. My grandmother didn't CHOOSE to die at 39 from thyroid disease because back then they did not have the treatments they have now. My cousin DID have to make the choice, at over 300 lbs., to either have gastric bypass knowing what her body will look like or have serious risks to her health/heart at only 36. She chose to look like a saggy, wrinkled up old lady in her 50's to stay alive for her young children when she CHOSE to have the bypass surgery.

My daughter's aunts on her dad size, both topping 250, had choices to make. One chose to be what she is and the other chose to take amphetamines everyday that wreck her cardiovascular system on top of strenuous exercise lack of proper nutrition to not be who she is and just be "overweight."

My daughter did not CHOOSE to be born with low to no thyroid hormones. She didn't CHOOSE to have a needle inserted in her tiny little viens every two weeks until they got the level up to 'low but normal'. She didn't CHOOSE to be born into this family. She did not CHOOSE to be made fun of to the point of tears and afraid to be in the sports she loves because others will do so (hard to hide those strong thighs in a short cheer shirt, yet got the strength to do it even though she's the thickest on the team, and those strong thighs won her first place in the jump off in our state and top 6 cheerleaders in the city).

Now, could you look at her, because I used a pic of her for my profile pic, and tell this beautiful young lady that she CHOSE to be the way she is, or will you wait until she's topping 250 in 15 years, when her skin is blotchy and red, when her hair is dull and falling out, and then ridicule her with your hate and disgust? Will she not be the same person then as she is now???!!!

I CHOOSE to be very grateful for my heath and my strength and the fact that my body, for now, is working the way its supposed to, unmedication. I am very grateful. I don't need anyone insulting me by saying I CHOOSE this lifesytle, because what you are really saying is I chose this life, which is untrue. I work a very physical job. We do not keep junk food in the house. We never have since the day my daughter first sat her highchair with her spoon because I knew that healthy eating would help A LITTLE with what she would have to face. My daughter is very physically active. That is the lifestyle we CHOOSE and its not making anyone thin, or even average.

Sorry for the fat person rant, but it just makes my blood boil to think that someone would look at my sister or daughter and make those kind of judgments. No one who is very overweight is healthy. Moderatly overweight, and can loose it by exercise and diet, yeah, that's lifestyle. Very overweight ... the "fat girls" are genetic or health issues. it's NOT something you can change by healthy diet and exercise alone, and guess what [insert mock shock expression] it's NOT their fault. They did NOT purposely or lazily do that to themselves.

Remember that in every very overweight woman there is an overweight little girl who has heard this ridicule all of her life, and it never changes. There comes I time where you either have to stop the intimidating messages like your post implies and be happy with yourself and appreciate what you have, or feel ashamed, embarrassed and outcasted all of your life. People who CHOOSE to say, hey, I'm ok just the way I am ... as matter of fact, I just damn well might be magnificent, are constantly bombarded with comments like those trying to drag them back down. Why???

Instead of passing judgment you would find some empathy for what is going on, or in the case of chubby young girls, will be going on under the skin in terms of organ and system damage and consider yourself lucky that you were not BORN into that.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 44
Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 10/30/2013 10:34:34 AM

Oh come on, it's nothing about PC, there are a slew of men who love women of all different sizes. It's really silly to think that most men want this or that, just like most women don't want the same thing, we all have our preferences.

Just because preferences vary somewhat, doesn't mean it's random. At all. It's not. Many Very obese women CAN find *a* guy where she cannot have a pick of the litter by any means -- easier for a roll in the hay (assuming he doesn't have ED like that guy), much harder for a something in the long-run.

Look preferences are not random. Just have to get that out of the way, as people who believe "Everyone's just as beautiful as the next!" is living in la-la land... and to promote PC talk and "happiness" we'd all love to believe that and sometimes can err on preaching something along those lines -- when that's not actual reality.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 45
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Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 10/30/2013 11:04:38 AM
Oh, and BTW, I even breastfed my daughter ... to the point that my nipples were sore and would bleed, and it hurt, but I knew one of the benefits of breastfeeding is a lower fat ratio. You do NOT make more fat cells after age 3, they can only shrink and expand. One of my goals was to make sure she had as few fat cells as possible, knowing what her genetics would be. I guess all of those sleepless nights and nipples so sore that it hurt to even wear a cotton Tshirt didn't help, but hey, you know, you always think you might be able to CHANGE these things that you can't.

Point taken, I hope.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 46
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Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 10/30/2013 11:39:04 AM
The bottom line is that she knows going into this relationship that he likes smaller women. I can see it working if she accepts that and puts serious effort into losing weight so they have a better love life. If she doesn't want to accept it, she knows all the facts, and she's free to move on.
 Paderic
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 47
Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 10/30/2013 11:48:34 AM
You have 'always' found it attractive, yes. You have also always been bombarded with media telling you that fat is bad thin is good. This is basic psychology.


No it isn't, it's pop psychology being pushed by fat people.

I don't hate fat people any more than I hate ugly people. I'm just not attracted to them.

It's also not healthy, no matter how many excuses you parade out.


If you really don't believe media and popular culture makes no difference in your personal beliefs, you don't understand how humans work. I am not whining about anything, it is a fact.


I understand how humans work and I understand that fat people like to make excuses and appease themselves.

It's not a fact, it's a theory.

The media is a reflection of us, not the other way around. This notion that "they" can manipulate us into liking or disliking whatever "they" want us to like or dislike is crap.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 48
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Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 10/30/2013 11:51:50 AM
We know he can't get it up with the OP.
We know he has emotional problems.
We know he takes psych meds.
We know he likes to blame the OP for his ED.
We know he SAYS he likes smaller women.
We know he SAYS a lot of things.

I don't think any of it matters. The OP is an active participant, and it doesn't sound as if she's really going to pay attention to any advice she's receiving, which is kind of sad, especially when there's really a remarkable consensus about this problem, for once.

In a forum where people usually can't agree that the sky is blue (above the clouds), that is pretty significant.
 sddude
Joined: 12/9/2007
Msg: 49
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Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 10/30/2013 2:32:02 PM
Well,

I was at the other side of this , I guess some women will hate me here...

I was seriously involved with a woman that was 100 lbs beyond of what I would have liked, she was like
250 lbs and 5ft 5in. I loved her , she was a great friend and partner, I wanted the whole 9 yards, marriage kids etc...
She was an educated professional but still placed alot of time for me. Everything was perfect except her weight, I was willing to overlook that but intimacy was not good. I was willing not to have sex or maybe very little.

I was not attracted to her physically, during that time when she would pressure me, I would not get excited unless
I thought about someone else, i did not want to do that, she was not willing to lose weight because it was too hard to eat less than normal for her (she ate way more than I), she gave me an ultimatetum to have sex with her on a regular basis or she will break it off, she broke it off, I tried to do other stuff but it really hurt her when I could not get excited enough , she thought I needed the blue pill, I do not need the blue pill, just neded to be atracted to her.

If she would have lost weight enough for me to think of her as mildly attractive there would have not been a problem and we would still be together but with kids and the house with the white picket fence.

Call me shallow AL or Al Bundy from the married with children show, that is what happens to me and other guys.

Most women tell me "that what is inside is what counts" but still the outside has to count for something.
 BabblingBrookes
Joined: 2/14/2013
Msg: 50
Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 10/30/2013 3:16:40 PM
Dump him OP and fast! There is no way this will end well for you. Any time I've seen someone lose weight for another person, they've resented them for it. I personally lost weight to garner more attention from men and was an Evil B!tch for a good 2 years after I lost the weight. I wouldn't wish my past behavior on anyone.

This can't be good for your self esteem. There are guys that actually LIKE bigger women. They're fewer, but they are out there. This guy probably wasn't doing well in the dating realm and decided to try for someone he wouldn't normally go for. Now he's dragged you into his problems. Whoopee. :\ No one wants to be a consolation prize. F him. If you like your weight, then there's NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. You've just got the wrong guy. If you're already losing weight for you, then keep doing it for you. Dump the chump. His ED is NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

Now removing him from the equation and noting the fact you DO want to lose weight: I've never met a person who loved cake so much that they'd cross over the obese line for it. Pudgy, sure. Obesity takes work. Usually there's an emotional problem and an inability to cope through healthier methods. If I were you, I'd dump him and focus on yourself for now. Join a hiking group, make some fit friends and get moving. As you lose weight, the emotions you've refused to cope with will start to surface. The "comfort" friends you've gathered around you will begin to sabotage you. "Oh, I probably shouldn't eat this in front of you!", "Don't judge me!", "Wow, I didn't realize you were going to order salad. Now I feel bad for ordering what I got.", etc, etc, etc. Anyone that starts sabotaging you, take them aside and have a one on one conversation about the power of positive thinking. If they're not willing to be a force to use towards your goal, then they need to get out of the f'in way. Just keep going and learn a new coping mechanism. Don't eat to celebrate, cry or do anything EMOTIONALLY. Food is fuel until you've learned how to handle it without hurting yourself.

I would only talk to people who have actually gone through this process. Everyone eats, so those who've never been obese have no idea why it happens. They come up with assumptions that fit their understanding of why they eat. I used to get angry about it until I realized they honestly had no idea the nature of the demon I was dealing with. Ignore them and use tools that Work and Support you. Ignore judgments, they're ash in the wind.

Good luck to you and remember how you treat yourself is just as important as how you treat others. If this were happening to a woman you truly cared for (a sister, best friend, etc), would you want her to be in this relationship?
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