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 HonkyTonk_Woman
Joined: 9/16/2013
Msg: 126
Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To MePage 6 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
Babblingbrookes...very well said!

No, I think most women know men are simple creatures. I've never met a woman that couldn't find a guy...she just had trouble finding HER guy. If you're over 30, you've pretty much dated enough men to know they're easy to please

That's the easy part...

So yes, I think most women KNOW this, but it's a very distasteful pill to swallow for some. It's unromantic, cold, and demeaning. If that's all he needs, then ANYONE can supply it. You are in no way special if his needs are so easily met.

Exactly!!

Some women need to feel special too

There it is....If you can treat each other special.....things will fall into place.
 Iseedudpeople
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 127
Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 11/6/2013 8:20:05 AM

If that's all he needs, then ANYONE can supply it. You are in no way special if his needs are so easily met. Some women need to feel special.


Anyone ?????

You're forgetting a key ingredient that makes this SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO untrue :

" KEEP YOURSELF FAIRLY ATTRACTIVE "

THIS is how not just ANYONE can supply it :

A guy initially chooses a woman he finds ATTRACTIVE , otherwise less attractive women wouldn't be single now would they ?

The advice Cautiouslove gave was about KEEPING a man happy.

He chose you to be with in the first place and THAT is what makes you SPECIAL.

... although, let's be honest, the woman who doesn't reject the man choosing her is the one who really makes the final choice.
 BabblingBrookes
Joined: 2/14/2013
Msg: 128
Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 11/6/2013 8:33:33 AM

KEEP YOURSELF FAIRLY ATTRACTIVE "


My apologies. You're right that persons born with deformities will have difficulty keeping themselves "fairly attractive". I read her post. She said, "Keep yourself," which means there is work that must be done on their part. Anyone can work if they choose to.


A guy initially chooses a woman he finds ATTRACTIVE , otherwise less attractive women wouldn't be single now would they ?


Being single as a female is always a choice. Any female can find a guy if she's willing to choose someone they don't want. I've seen women closing in on 400lbs with boyfriends. *shrug* It always comes down to whether you WANT that guy...not if it you can GET one. People are complaining about the fact they can't get what they want. Heck, even guys complain about it. "I can't get anyone." "Choose a fat girl." "I don't want one." "Ok, then you can't get who you want...that's a big difference from saying you can't get anyone."



He chose you to be with in the first place and THAT is what makes you SPECIAL.


That's only the case if he's choosing you based on something only you can provide. If any woman willing to work can provide it, then it has nothing to do with you. As I said, I don't think this is the best way to view male needs. They're simple, so there's no reason to take their lack of complexity personally.

I think you're being optimistic. That a woman isn't meeting a guy's needs because she doesn't know what they are. She knows what they are...she's choosing not to meet them for another reason. There are any number of reasons why, but from my perspective it typically boils down to an unwillingness to take a hit to their dignity. My argument is that it's not their dignity that's taking a hit...it's their pride, but many people confuse the two.
 Iseedudpeople
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 129
Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 11/6/2013 8:47:07 AM
He chose you to be with in the first place and THAT is what makes you SPECIAL.




That's only the case if he's choosing you based on something only you can provide. If any woman willing to work can provide it, then it has nothing to do with you.


When I choose to be with someone it's because of 2 things :

1. Her physical traits that I find attractive
2. Her personality traits that I find attractive

1. Can only be provided by an identical twin
2. Can only be provided by a CLONE


My argument is that it's not their dignity that's taking a hit...it's their pride, but many people confuse the two.


Pride and love can't coexist.

" Why should I do something to make him happy , like cook his favorite meal ? "

" Why should I buy her flowers , it's corny and a waste of money ? "
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 130
Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 11/6/2013 9:53:45 AM
Ah, but this is confusing pride with obstinancy.

I still maintain that-IMO- the OPs bf( or whatever he is) has glommed onto a kind, strong, loving woman for emotional support while he deals with issues( stress, depression that is severe enough to require medication). I'm not a guy but I'm going to make a semi-educated guess that having ones' equipment fail to function has to be a pretty serious blow to a guys' pride, dignity , self esteem... and blaming the appearance, actions-whatever! of the guys' sexual partner is an easy dodge.
OP, the man is under treatment for serious depression. This does not make him in any way a bad or unworthy person.
But his judgement and thinking may be clouded. I still say that the depression/the meds are probably the cause of his(hopefully short-term) ED.
The interesting thing about sex is that it can be a deep expression of love, caring, committment. It can also be as simple as a pleasurable physical release, and everything in between.
If you place great value on sex, then this man cannot currently deliver the goods. And instead of facing up to that, and accepting that it may be part of his illness and/or the treatment, he's choosing to throw the balme onto your appearance. This is not the behavior of a man who takes responsibility for himself and his life. Perhaps this deficit is also temporary, a part of his illness.
But personally, the fact that you have to come and ask a bunch of well-meaning strangers for advice, tells me that this relationship isn't as sound as it could be.
Op, do you have your own dr? Have you thought of discussing this problem with him or her, to get their opinion of whether your appearance is so awful that it's an instant d*ck-crippler, or whether your bfs' depression and medication regime might be the real issue. Maybe it is a combination of both.
My point( yes I do have one) is that an emotionally and intellectually solid relationship is not something to let go of lightly, but if his issues are going to undermine your self-confidence and make you feel that you don't rate a truly healthy relationship-then maybe it's not as valuable as it might seem.
I really think you should discuss this matter with your own health-care provider. Whether your bf's problems are the fault of the medication or the fault of your appearance, good advice and guidance on getting to a more healthy physical state, etc.
As another poster has pointed out, there are plenty of hefty people who are dating, geting into relationships, getting married. While the divorce rate is high, not every person who gained weight after the wedding is being divorced by their spouse.
Talk to a competent professional.
Cindy O
 lookinfouryoutoo
Joined: 7/31/2012
Msg: 131
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Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 11/6/2013 3:31:19 PM

My parents are PAINFULLY blunt people and told me exactly how to "please a man". "Full stomach, empty sack" (yes, my mother really said this to me), "If you want him to fix the roof, give him a blow job first then ask him," (that gem was from my dad.). I actually took culinary classes for a year just so I'd be a "good cook". My parents taught me that life is a gamble, so you have to focus on what you can do to put the odds in your favor.

So yes, I think most women KNOW this, but it's a very distasteful pill to swallow for some. It's unromantic, cold, and demeaning. If that's all he needs, then ANYONE can supply it. You are in no way special if his needs are so easily met. Some women need to feel special.


That would be like men thinking that you ladies are just looking for someone to fix your roof. What makes a lady special is we choose to spend our time with her instead of just going to her when we need that dinner and a blow job.
 BabblingBrookes
Joined: 2/14/2013
Msg: 132
Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 11/6/2013 8:31:27 PM
I'll do my best to clear up the confusion.



First you say that "most women know men are simple creatures", THEN you say "you are in no way special if his needs are so easily met. You seem to be contradicting yourself, unless I'm not getting your point?


There's no contradiction. I'm explaining why women who know a man's needs CHOOSE not to meet them. They view that they're not special, hence the negative association with a man being a simple creature. It's an explanation to why women will know something, and not do it. Are there women who are clueless? Sure. Most women I've met knew what men wanted, they were just too pissed to give it to them.

This is not in reference to the OPs situation. If I see a topic that can be explored further, I expand upon it. It's a thread in the relationships forum, so I figure discussing elements of the topic are fair game.



I like to make him happy, but it isn't because I have it in the back of my mind "oh, I must please my man so he will stay with me and not run off with the cute girl at the corner store" sort of thing. No, that would be "pleasing him" out of insecurity. I like making him happy, because he's special to me therefore I like doing special things for him. And as far as sex goes, when he's sexually attracted to me, I'm pretty sure we both benefit from that! : )


That's a healthy way to look at it, but everyone is not healthy. My post included why I thought some women saw it another way.



Whether he's a "low-class", "middle-class" or "high-class" guy he's still going to want a woman that's "fairly attractive" TO HIM (or as attractive as he is able to get), cooked meals, the remote control and beer in the fridge (contingent on whether he drinks beer or not).....*I thought we all knew that*


Well, my boyfriend doesn't watch TV or drink beer, but the concept of being left alone, comfortable and appreciated isn't lost on him. I also probably wouldn't have gotten him if I didn't look as I do now. I specifically changed in the hope of getting a guy I wanted, vs. a guy I could get. So yes, I'm well aware that being attractive is something he wants from me. I was speaking of a specific type of guy that personally repulses me. OK, fair enough. I let that distaste cloud my statement and lumped all men of a certain class into a bubble. That was unfair. I tend to hyper focus and compartmentalize things to their simplest forms. I sometimes forget to reconstitute them when in a discussion.



And just because men are fairly easy to please, doesn't mean he's a guy with "no dreams", I'm not sure why you would think that?


Ah, that's easy...experience. Granted, those are MY experiences, so perhaps I should have clarified that more.
 rosewood_girl
Joined: 10/30/2013
Msg: 133
Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 11/6/2013 9:23:32 PM

Life is unfair but what are you gonna do..At least you can lose weight most women wont date short men and they cant change their height..


Then date a shorter girl, or a girl that doesn't have issues with height. I have seen it turned around as well. A short man that is 5'7 that refuses to date women that are taller than him, cause it doesn't make him feel masculine. A woman shouldn't have to lose weight for a man, she should do it for herself. I lost 50lbs, and the guys that used to ignore me, now pay attention to me. This one guy that I haven't spoken to in well over 6 months, contacted me out of the blue cause he saw recent pictures of me. I declined, cause yes attraction is a must, but that shouldn't be all that is important. And I'm sure he would of done the exact same thing he did to me last time after he got bored with me. Don't let someone get you down for your looks, whether you can change them or not. If you can, do it for yourself.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 6/25/2013
Msg: 134
Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 11/16/2013 1:23:22 PM

(Fieryredhead77) Do you also prefer blondes blue eyed people and make negative comments about people who dont have that?


The two are in no way similar. Eye and hair colour are permanent. Weight can be lost. It's like comparing overweight women with short guys.


That is the difference that I am talking about.


No, you're not. You're throwing out babbling nonsense, hoping to derail the conversation, and feel less bad about your own situation...
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 6/25/2013
Msg: 135
Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 11/17/2013 12:05:37 PM

(rosewood_girl) Height height height...why does it matter?


Being tall is more important to men than it is to women. Since you aren't a man, it's no surprise that you don't understand. It also renders your imperative to "SHUT UP" somewhat irrelevant.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 136
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Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 11/17/2013 1:21:26 PM
"Taller men may be seen as more dominant and assertive." (Melamed, 1992).
Height is a big factor in triggering attraction, but about half of my girlfriends were taller than me, so it doesn't have to limit you. There are a lot of things you can do to overcome disadvantages. I believe that men have more opportunities than women to trigger attraction through self improvement and social skills than women do because men have more attraction triggers hardwired to physical qualities. With that being said, in reality, you're going to want to be in a relationship with someone that you like being around. All the other stuff can go out the window if you find someone you get along with.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 137
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Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 11/18/2013 6:18:27 AM
It does seem to be a guy thing. I don't think women care as much as the guys do about their height. Kinda like the balding issue. These comments remind me of the song "the gardener" by the tallest man on earth.

Being 5'2 1/2, my preferred height range is 5'5" to 5'9. Anyone 5'10 and over starts to feel awkward. I like an easy fit when I put my arms around someone's waist or hold their hand. I want to be able to walk up and slip under their arm comfortably, and not to be staring at their chest :)
 Paderic
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 138
Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 11/18/2013 6:24:59 AM
It's a guy thing because it's important to the overwhelming majority of women. If women didn't care, most men wouldn't either.

Personally, I am equally attracted to tall women. Fitness is much more of a factor to me.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 139
Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 11/18/2013 10:18:37 AM

All the other stuff can go out the window if you find someone you get along with.

Very true. I think the height issue, as long as the guy is the same height as the girl in the heels she may wear regularly, or a bit taller if she doesn't, isn't a huge factor IRL. But online -- of a sausage fest -- in the general demographic (non-hipster, non-emo, etc to any degree) -- it means much more. Online puts people in "stat mode". Other particulars that may throw someone off online won't do so IRL. If a guy's a decent looking guy but is under 5'9", with a reasonable venue IRL to scope as well, he'll do better IRL vs online with gals of average height that he's still a bit taller than.

Height height height...why does it matter?

Now that's a scientific question. Yes, people shouldn't b!tch and complain endlessly about it... but it'd be dumb & naive to assume it doesn't matter for guys in the dating world. It just is what it is. Essentially, the vast majority of women want a guy taller than them. A majority of women don't want one of the shortest guys in the room, either (even if he is a bit taller than she). It's a biological thing. Why do most reasonably attractive women not like guys who have huge noses while being bone skinny? Why do guys like women with curves? Lotsa questions like that.

Being 5'2 1/2, my preferred height range is 5'5" to 5'9. Anyone 5'10 and over starts to feel awkward.

You're not a distant minority, but looking on another site where there's height range preferences on display... you're much more lax with the height situation than most gals. Not that your aim is way way out in left field, but it's not the common one. Girls 5'2"-5'3" are usually going to have their minimal a guy more taller than them than a gal who's 5'8". It's about as common to see a gal who's 5'3" have her minimal height be 5'5" as it is for a gal who's 5'1" have the minimal height be 5'10". Both small degree and such large degree aren't very common.

I have seen very tall men with very short women so like does not attract like, necessarily.

Oh yeah, I know. That's why it's a very different boat for short women vs short men. One can have issues when short outside of the dating realm, when it comes to how seriously they're taken, etc. That's why you'll see some shorter guys or gals have some "bite" to their personality, for better or for worse.

But in the dating realm, you'll see guys 6" taller than the girl all the time. You'll never really see the opposite where the guy is even 4" shorter than the gal (he's 5'6", she's 5'10"), when they're both in the same 'league' of looks. One would be an idiot to expect that a guy who's 5'5" has roughly just as much a chance with a gal who's 5'9" as a guy who's 6'0".

It's a guy thing because it's important to the overwhelming majority of women. If women didn't care, most men wouldn't either.

Very true. Guys shouldn't get bitter & pissed about it. It is what it is. But yeah, you can't compare it to weight. You can compare it to face attraction (where parties are slim; no bloat). There's not much you can do after that.

There is a bright side to not being able to change it. You just accept it. It's a better motivator to be in better shape, to be smarter, etc. -- things one Can control that many others won't (so much). The downside is, of course, is the same as the bright side. You can't change it. No people should ignore the Fact that height Can mean a Lot -- a deal breaker even if all other things are just good & dandy. And it can have a huge impact. However, a guy's lack of height can also motivate him to eliminate other things he Can control -- which will soften that blow, while at the same time, make him a better person. No sense in getting upset about it!
 Ladyinred4755
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 140
Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 11/19/2013 3:29:03 AM
LMAO, Who cares about how tall someone is, when they are horizontal?
 BabblingBrookes
Joined: 2/14/2013
Msg: 141
Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 11/19/2013 5:42:23 AM

LMAO, Who cares about how tall someone is, when they are horizontal?


Many of us don't spend the majority of our waking hours in a horizontal position. :) It takes attraction to want someone in that horizontal position. Some people aren't sexually attracted to men who look "small" to them. It's hard to get around the need to be sexually attracted to your mate.
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 142
Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 11/19/2013 6:15:11 AM
Back to the subject-it's the anti depressants that can affect his sex drive, they keep the feed of serotonin into the brain steady, and as long as that is happening the brain thinks it's already had an orgasm, and isn't so likely to get itself in gear for another.

Bottom line is tho, he told you he is not attracted to you. This is the "relationship death knell" and needs to be listened to more than anything. It is time to move on. You do not want to make a life with a guy who wants to buy a house with you and make a life with you and not sleep with you/see you as his wife, etc.

"The OP's story is a good example of the kinds of screwballs we see on these sites."

This from a previous post, and oh so true. What you have in front of you is toxic, unhealthy and is a situation he is going to custom tailor to his comfort and needs, not yours. Remember that.

It's going to be all about him.

Re; Losing weight, go for it! Go bear in mind that there are men out there who like all kinds of women (I know a VERY hot alpha male who wont date anyone BUT BBWs!) So dont let that issue stop you from wasting your time in this situation. Open your life up to better and more healthy opportunities for yourself.
 findingmrperfect
Joined: 11/28/2012
Msg: 143
Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 11/19/2013 10:23:30 AM
Sweetie,
You're better than this! If he doesn't love you and all of you, you're wasting your time. You need to be with someone who will be attracted to you whether you weigh 120 pounds or 250 pounds. And to "cowboy" you're obviously all about looks and nothing else.
 Paderic
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 144
Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 11/19/2013 12:51:08 PM
You need to be with someone who will be attracted to you whether you weigh 120 pounds or 250 pounds.


I love women that weigh 250, but I can't make myself sexually attracted to one who is that heavy. It just wouldn't work.


And to "cowboy" you're obviously all about looks and nothing else.


I sincerely doubt that you are without some physical thing that you just couldn't handle in a partner. We all have a limit to what we will accept.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 6/25/2013
Msg: 145
Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 11/20/2013 2:42:20 PM

(findingmrperfect) Sweetie,
You're better than this! If he doesn't love you and all of you, you're wasting your time. You need to be with someone who will be attracted to you whether you weigh 120 pounds or 250 pounds. And to "cowboy" you're obviously all about looks and nothing else.


Girl makes an honest statement.
Guy gives his blunt, HONEST, opinion.
Some other girl gets all up in arms over it.

And then women wonder why men don't share their feelings with them...
 TuMuchFun
Joined: 9/29/2008
Msg: 146
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Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 11/20/2013 2:58:46 PM
Did not read thread thread but if dude is over 45 he may need some help...if he pops a Viagra the wind blowing will get a rise out of him.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 147
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Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 11/21/2013 9:42:51 PM
Dr Oz this morning: if an erection doesn't happen it's 80% on the guy ... something being wrong there needing looked at, and it's not always just the erection part ... can be heart, kidneys, etc.
 TuMuchFun
Joined: 9/29/2008
Msg: 148
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Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 11/22/2013 2:44:01 PM
It would not surprise me if he said he was not attracted to her because he has issues with his shaft. Much easier to point finger to her rather than admit he had ED issues.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 149
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Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 11/22/2013 3:02:34 PM
Dr Oz this morning: if an erection doesn't happen it's 80% on the guy ... something being wrong there needing looked at, and it's not always just the erection part ... can be heart, kidneys, etc.


That statistic works if you put it in context. It's 80% on the guy if he's dating someone he's actually attracted to. No amount of drugs or professional help will give a man an errection around a woman he's not into.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 6/25/2013
Msg: 150
Loves Me But Not Sexually Attracted To Me
Posted: 11/23/2013 8:00:55 AM

(Bebeldeleau) Dr Oz this morning: if an erection doesn't happen it's 80% on the guy ...


Yes, and we *KNOW* that Dr. Oz is an unimpeachable source not concerned at all with his viewership and ratings, and that his main viewing demographic is not women who will buy into this mindless pap...
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