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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Marriage, Is it a must???      Home login  
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 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 26
Marriage, Is it a must???Page 2 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

Msg 2: I wouldn't bother me if "live with" was left out.


Would you go on separate honeymoons as well?
 Della D
Joined: 7/10/2008
Msg: 27
Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/4/2013 4:06:52 PM
Personally I don't believe in marriage and have opted out 2 times. I think that love and commitment to a relationship does not need to be sanctioned and officially stamped and sealed by a government, much less by any church.

Whether being happy forever or not has nothing to do with any official certificate.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 28
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Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/4/2013 4:24:05 PM
"Msg 2: I wouldn't bother me if "live with" was left out."


"Would you go on separate honeymoons as well?"

I have no problems with going on a honeymoon (or having sleep overs), provided the accommodation has two bedrooms.

No way am I loosing sleep while my mate snores peacefully. No way am I loosing sleep while he changes his sleeping position repeated during the night. No way am I going to worry about waking him up, if I decide to get up during the night.

Separate bathrooms are a bonus too.
I don't get why the two sink style bathroom is in vague.
Life is so much more glorious with separate bed and bathrooms imo.

How many people's sex lives cool due to sleeping and bathroom habits?
 or_current_resident
Joined: 6/3/2013
Msg: 29
Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/4/2013 4:47:28 PM

Could YOU love, live with, commit yourself to and be happy forever without ever getting legally married or would that bother you?



I could but also would want the love of my life to be care for nonetheless when I'm long gone........guess it's a guy thing for me......like it or not.....as what u leave,will speak longer to those who respect,
who u are to them & others after your long gone....

imo, that is where u find in who she or he is to u..... its the little things too me that counts the most........snorting or not...^^^^^^^^
 Iseedudpeople
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 30
Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/4/2013 5:01:25 PM
Too many stories have I heard of people who had amazing relationships....until they married.

It's just a piece of paper , love doesn't need an ID card.

It's an antiquated notion.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 31
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Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/4/2013 5:11:53 PM
"its the little things too me that counts the most........snorting or not...^^^^^^^^"

Being a man, you might not have spent years of your life with little sleep because of your mates snoring.
If my mate can't understand that his sleep patterns are destroying my sleep, he doesn't care about my well being.

"would want the love of my life to be care for nonetheless when I'm long gone.."

I hope that isn't a road you ever have to go down, but most of us have or will.
Grieving is a life changing process.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 32
Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/4/2013 5:59:20 PM
From what I have observed, a lot of life is all about money and sex.

Almost without exception, those that don't believe in marriage have financial assets they are afraid they may lose control of.

I have never seen a poor person say they never wanted to get married.

If you don't have much money to lose, all of sudden marriage looks better.

People dress it up in flowery language, but it usually comes down to this.
 JoeBnD
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 33
Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/4/2013 7:26:05 PM

I have never seen a poor person say they never wanted to get married.


Please, watch closely - I never want to get married.

And don't let the red car fool you. I have less into it (purchase and upgrades) than a new basic Honda Civic would cost.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 34
Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/4/2013 8:26:08 PM

From what I have observed, a lot of life is all about money and sex.

I agree... money will get you appetizing sex (directly or indirectly), and sex can get you money (if you're a cute female).

Almost without exception, those that don't believe in marriage have financial assets they are afraid they may lose control of.

I will disagree with that. I've run into a lot of females who are not anti-relationship but are not a fan of marriage... I think you would have to add "previously bitter divorce" to that list...

If you don't have much money to lose, all of sudden marriage looks better.

Not for me. Being in position to get married cries out for stability to me. With no money to lose, there's little money had... that's having a shaky foundation... you get married and you will think your own (as a guy)'s expenses will go up. Stresses will go up, thus stress on the relationship, etc.

It wasn't until I was financially sound 'till I felt 100% comfortable being in an LTR.

BUT I'll agree that some people will be afraid of getting married, notably if they've been married before, when they do have a lot of money to "lose" and a prenup would be a nixed option by the lady.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 35
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Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/4/2013 9:38:16 PM
I've been married twice, both times when I was young, I don't know that I would ever want to get married again, certainly no one I've met so far. But I can't imagine any reason why I would want to talk people out of getting married. Some people like being married. Why would I want to sway someone's feelings about being married? Seems awfully bitter & selfish. I mean those of us who had bad marriages, we picked who we married, we were 50% of that bad marriage, why act like all marriages will end as bad as ours?
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 36
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Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/4/2013 10:11:40 PM
"I could love, commit myself to and be forever without ever getting legally married. I'm not okay with living together though.

It's not that I don't think I'm capable of living with someone, I just rather have my own space, no obligations (having to be home by a certain time, someone waiting for me, can have company at anytime, can invite a friend to stay for a few days), no household chores, leave my house at any time to go anywhere with anyone, no one looking at what I do with/in my place and what times, etc."

That is the stage that I am at in my life even though I had a good marriage.

I joke that because I live alone, and don't have to clean my room today if I don't feel like it.

"Almost without exception, those that don't believe in marriage have financial assets they are afraid they may lose control of."

In my case, it isn't that I am afraid to losing control of my financial assets by loosing them in a divorce. I just don't want anyone try to change my mind about how to spend my money. If I want to buy a certain vehicle, I buy it. If I want to buy a home in a different country, I do it. I don't want to be in a situation of having a live in partner ask me to not buy a big purchase, because if I didn't the money could go to something they prefer to have us own jointly.

Repeatedly over the years, I have started to see someone, and very quickly, they say that when things get serious between us, I won't want to travel etc., because we would be a couple and it isn't want they want for me to do. That is game over for me.

If I ever find a compatible partner who would be as happy as I would be to not live together, still be committed to each other, but be able to live the single lifestyle we individually want, he would be a keeper.
 cesska
Joined: 11/7/2011
Msg: 37
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Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/4/2013 10:19:10 PM
marriage is a no
as is living together
are you not happiest when dating
 usmale6
Joined: 9/14/2013
Msg: 38
Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/4/2013 10:48:35 PM
Well, if you want to have kids, it would be a good idea to get married so that the kids have proper names.

What you have to understand is that a large number of young women, who have never been married/divorced, who don't have children.... want to get married and have kids. This is the way it is, it's reality. If you want to play with women, you'd better know the rules.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 39
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Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/4/2013 11:09:34 PM
"Well, if you want to have kids, it would be a good idea to get married so that the kids have proper names."

Couldn't agree more.

However..........

"This is the way it is, it's reality. If you want to play with women, you'd better know the rules."

You haven't met women who don't want children?

Out of my long term female friends only 1 has children. These women range from their 30's to 60's.

It puzzles me why most people seem to think all women want children.
 usmale6
Joined: 9/14/2013
Msg: 40
Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/4/2013 11:42:09 PM
^^^^^I hear you... that's why I qualified my earlier post with the words, "large number of young women".
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 41
Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/5/2013 5:14:53 AM

Please, watch closely - I never want to get married.

And don't let the red car fool you. I have less into it (purchase and upgrades) than a new basic Honda Civic would cost.


You have no concept of what it means to be poor, you already said your net worth is about $250,000, and you grew up in an upper middle class family. The Gov defines needy as less than $2-5 K in assets, it's not subjective, it's easy to measure. Meaning it's not how you feel, you go skiing to relax, poor people have a hard time paying for cable TV.


I will disagree with that. I've run into a lot of females who are not anti-relationship but are not a fan of marriage...


Are these women poor? On food stamps, welfare, don't own a car, have medicaid? See above about what poor is defined as. Google qualify for food stamps.


It wasn't until I was financially sound 'till I felt 100% comfortable being in an LTR.


This isn't about dating or being in a LTR, it's about getting married and the REAL reason people fear it. It's about losing control, mostly always connected to money.


I just don't want anyone try to change my mind about how to spend my money. If I want to buy a certain vehicle, I buy it. If I want to buy a home in a different country, I do it. I don't want to be in a situation of having a live in partner ask me to not buy a big purchase, because if I didn't the money could go to something they prefer to have us own jointly.


Poor people don't worry about how to spend their money, they use the money they have to buy food, pay the electric, rent, etc. They can't afford to buy a new vehicle, they don't travel or buy homes in other countries. They have very little control over their money because they have so little of it.

Getting married in the old days prior to the 1940s was more about survival, because they didn't have enough to feed themselves. Now people don't worry about the basic necessities.

Once you get over some age, about 45, you worry about losing assets / or losing control over the nest egg you have. If you are younger than 45 and have a nice life style, you worry about losing that or compromising it.

I see no problems with admitting you don't really want to share / compromise / take risks, but I think it's healthy to examine the real reasons why people avoid marriage.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 42
Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/5/2013 6:17:16 AM
I'm a commitment phobic by nature and don't like to walk into anything I can't back out of if I want to (I had to fight the urge to run screaming of a dealership three times when faced with the prospect of a 5 year auto loan), so I don't agree marriage is a "must" outside of the individual couple wanting it. There are some benefits and some downfalls to it - but it will depend on the people involved and what they want for their relationship. I don't subscribe to a societal requirement that anyone do anything outside not hurt living things and trying to avoid having a criminal record.

To some degree I can see wanting to unify legally when you have children together for the sake of them having a more solid safety net, but even that can hurt kids if the people who do it don't want to be there.

I've heard people talk like that where they lecture that it's the right thing to do to be involved, get married, have kids, buy property, whatever - and I feel the people who say this can't imagine a world where people do anything they haven't learned to do and so they try to convince everyone to do the same so they feel more secure about their choice to follow that path.
 JoeBnD
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 43
Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/5/2013 7:07:32 AM

You have no concept of what it means to be poor, you already said your net worth is about $250,000, and you grew up in an upper middle class family. The Gov defines needy as less than $2-5 K in assets, it's not subjective, it's easy to measure. Meaning it's not how you feel, you go skiing to relax, poor people have a hard time paying for cable TV.


Nobody pays attention to what I write and then claim I am a poor communicator. What I said was that my Mother's net worth was $500K and after the inheritance, my net worth was less than half of that (it is actually $218K of which $175K is the condo and two cars). It was someone else that said my worth was $250K. Going skiing every year will make my net worth drop, but using skiing to get some health back (mental and physical) might be worth it. I also said nothing of which class my parents' household belonged to, but it was lower-middle not upper-middle.

After the divorce and prior to the inheritance, and getting disability approval, I was on food stamps.
 CaptainTeebs
Joined: 11/10/2012
Msg: 44
Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/5/2013 7:16:53 AM

I've heard people talk like that where they lecture that it's the right thing to do to be involved, get married, have kids, buy property, whatever - and I feel the people who say this can't imagine a world where people do anything they haven't learned to do and so they try to convince everyone to do the same so they feel more secure about their choice to follow that path.

Agreed. The ugliness of human nature.

Furthermore, anytime I've let down my guard, followed advice of such types of people, ultimately, the nagging gut feeling that was trying to tell me "something ain't right" about the decision-making process usually proved in the end to be something that I wish I'd listened to.

I've said it before, I'll say it again- Marriage is a great idea for (older) couples who have stayed together already, built a life together and likely will continue to do so.
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 45
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Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/5/2013 7:17:53 AM
I could and have. We lived together for over 7 years, and decided to marry because of a need for health insurance. We were afraid it would ruin things, but it hasn't, mainly because we make an effort to not take each other for granted despite it being "official" now. Marriage isn't a must for either of us, and a traditional view of marriage is anathema to us.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 46
Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/5/2013 7:24:26 AM

Msg 38: If I ever find a compatible partner who would be as happy as I would be to not live together, still be committed to each other, but be able to live the single lifestyle we individually want, he would be a keeper.


If you don't want to live with a partner, how close would he have to live to make a relationship with separate homes work? Would he need to live in the same town as you or could you be in a relationship where your partner is 5 or 6 hours away in another city, and basically see him just on weekends-having a weekend husband? I can't imagine being in a relationship where we rely heavily on electronic gadgets to communicate and visit each other as per a set out schedule. Gadgets are not a suitable substitutes for face-to-face conversations. I would find it very odd if a woman said to me: "I want us to be in a committed relationship, like husband and wife, but we will never live together. I still want to live like a single woman. We will set up a visitation schedule to determine when is the best time to see each other and for how long. The rest of the time, you are on your own to do whatever you want and I will do whatever I want."
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 47
Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/5/2013 7:25:39 AM

After the divorce and prior to the inheritance, and getting disability approval, I was on food stamps.


Actually I thought 250K was likely too high, but you didn't object to it at the time the other poster posted. so I went with that.

Joe, IMO you aren't poor. You have poor cash flow, but there is a difference. You are the perfect example then how changing financial prospects effects people thinking.

You had money, they you had none, now you have a small nest egg. You don't want to do anything to risk this small nest egg.

But owning a condo and two cars isn't anyone's def of poor, regardless of if your net worth is 100K or 200K.

Poor is net worth below 5K.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 48
Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/5/2013 7:41:00 AM

Repeatedly over the years, I have started to see someone, and very quickly, they say that when things get serious between us, I won't want to travel etc., because we would be a couple and it isn't want they want for me to do. That is game over for me.


I wouldn't get married to someone that wasn't 95% compatible either. Why would anyone even consider it? I would date them in a casual manner if it was fun but not consider it to be a LTR.


If I ever find a compatible partner who would be as happy as I would be to not live together, still be committed to each other, but be able to live the single lifestyle we individually want, he would be a keeper.


My problem would be that a single lifestyle includes dating whomever I want whenever I want to. When I travel I like to travel with someone I am sleeping with. Preferably a native of the local area.

I have found traveling with a woman that lives in a place foreign area / country to be an ideal way to take a vacation and date. Only drawback is that it is expensive.

I like variety, when I am married I can get that variety by doing / going new things / places. But if I am single I like doing it with new relationships, meaning I like to rotate those relationships or have several relationships at the same time. Hardly what anyone calls committed.

We are all different, so what works for others or works for me doesn't have to be the same.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 49
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Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/5/2013 7:48:59 AM
“Getting married in the old days prior to the 1940s was more about survival, because they didn't have enough to feed themselves. Now people don't worry about the basic necessities. “
True. Men needed women to produce children to help around farm etc., and to run the household. Women needed men to provide income.
Today that lifestyle doesn’t exist for the most part in richer parts of the world.

“Once you get over some age, about 45, you worry about losing assets / or losing control over the nest egg you have. If you are younger than 45 and have a nice life style, you worry about losing that or compromising it.

I see no problems with admitting you don't really want to share / compromise / take risks, but I think it's healthy to examine the real reasons why people avoid marriage.”
Point I am trying to make and not getting across, is that I don’t fear commitment. It is not that I fear compromise but that I don’t want that lifestyle. I am totally comfortable with the lifestyle I have. I don’t want anyone to change their lifestyle for me. If they enjoy cottage life for vacation and weekends, let them have their cottage. I don’t want to have the responsibility of chores at their cottage. I don’t want them to do any chores in my home in the Caribbean. Let me have their primary home and second home, the way they want it. I don’t want the boredom of joint property where paint colours become a discussion.
It has nothing to do with them taking my property or I taking theirs, if we split up. It is about the freedom to live alone.
“I'm a commitment phobic by nature and don't like to walk into anything I can't back out of if I want to”
I have had the married committed relationship and enjoyed it thoroughly. That was then. This is now.
Today, I want to commit to a long term relationship that doesn’t require live in by either of the parties.
“I've heard people talk like that where they lecture that it's the right thing to do to be involved, get married, have kids, buy property, whatever - and I feel the people who say this can't imagine a world where people do anything they haven't learned to do and so they try to convince everyone to do the same so they feel more secure about their choice to follow that path.”
When I was married, I wanted to be marriage. That lifestyle fit where I wanted to be in my life at that point. It never occurred to me not to live with him. However, we both gave each other the freedom to make our own decision financially. We were both comfortable with letting the other get on with our individual lives without interfering, or trying to change the others opinion on something.
At my age, I see no reason to live with someone to have a successful committed relationship. I realize that most people can’t imagine living like that. To them a relationship like that would have no guarantees (real or imagined).

"My problem would be that a single lifestyle includes dating whomever I want whenever I want to."

My single lifestyle by choice doesn't include dating others when I am in a committed long term relationship.

" It's too tempting to stray if one is single."

It has never been for me. I am not tempted by straying if I am happy with who I am with. If I am not happy with them, I end it before dating someone else.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 50
Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/5/2013 7:49:16 AM

getting divorced after 20 years of marriage was really rough on me emotionally, I'm not sure I could go through that sh*t again. I do believe in marriage but I'm not sure how necessary it is "the second time around"? Sometimes I think not having that "piece of paper" keeps each other on their toes.....so to speak.


I think you are right about keeping one on your toes, one does relax about the other party being married.

But I had an easy divorce so I would feel different if it was rough.

I am just not sure I could stay committed without that piece of paper to keep me inline. It's too tempting to stray if one is single.
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