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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > My family is very important      Home login  
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 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 26
My family is very importantPage 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Ok, you think you "smell a rat". Then stay away from people that have "My family is very important" in their profile. Easy peasy.

For your information I agree with Molly and will take it a step further. You have an agenda and need to be honest about it.
 ArtisteRoyale
Joined: 11/5/2013
Msg: 27
My family is very important
Posted: 11/9/2013 7:14:10 PM
hi theforumfiend: Having an agenda is news to me. Just what do you suppose it is? Your other advice is very sound. I most certainly intend to do that but I see no reason why I should stifle my curiosity.
 lostnfoundluv
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 28
My family is very important
Posted: 11/9/2013 7:14:26 PM
family ! a father a mother a kid a brother a sister a husband this kinda make a family but if you are going to be a boyfriend guess you are an outsider . The question is then .what is a woman seeking from you?
 ArtisteRoyale
Joined: 11/5/2013
Msg: 29
My family is very important
Posted: 11/9/2013 7:34:59 PM
To lostandfoundluv: Precisely! And the rest of the story, What is she prepared to give to get it?
If boyfriend is going to become husband will she treat him differently when they are married?
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 30
My family is very important
Posted: 11/9/2013 7:38:33 PM
To Hamilton: restating the statement is simply shouting louder a phrase that is not understood. It does not qualify as an explanation.


The funny thing is that the statement is self-explanatory, you weren't really questioning what it meant, you were just using it as a platform for stating that you are a me first type of person.



If you were my partner you would be the most important person in my life and my kids would respect that. If you can't say the same about me then I'm second class compared to your kids. I suggest you need to cut the apron strings and let those kids fly free. I raised mine (myself) to be independent and strong and self sufficient and all three of them (girls) are just that. They are adults with kids of their own and they will always love Dad but they wouldn't dream of influencing me in any way with respect to a new partner. I respectfully suggest that my way is more mature than yours.


Well I guess that I wouldn't be a good match for you because, you would never be the most important person in my life. That role will always be played by me!

My children respect my choice for a partner and he in no way feels second class compared them although he knows that if they need me (emergency or not), at that point, they will become my priority.

Where did I say that my children in any way attempt to influence me with respect to a new partner? They want me to be happy and as such they want me be with whoever it is that makes me happy. We are very close and they recently came to me to tell me that they were okay with me moving away so that I could be closer to my guy and spend more time with him. I hate to tell you this, but I would respectfully say that anyone who always insists on being the most important, is lacking maturity or has real self-esteem problems.



you are taking the debate to an extreme. You are using emergency situations to justify day to day situations which I specifically said were what I was talking about.


First I wasn't using emergencies and second not once have you said day-to-day situations up to this very point. Guess what? A wedding isn't an emergency but it still comes first, a graduation isn't an emergency, an awards banquet, the list goes on of things that come first.


It still does not answer the question of why family importance is mentioned at all.


Guess you missed the part about I, like many other woman have encountered men who expect to come first all the time regardless of who else needs us. Encounter enough of those and in goes the statement.



Any decent human being will help out when needs must. Why spell it out?


Because many need to hear it! Again no one is the centre of the universe, no one gets to be the most important all the time. What a narrow and limited view of life and relationships if that is your expectation.



This is dishonest debate pure and simple. If you cannot compete in the theatre of ideas don't get into it.


Interesting that because it doesn't agree with your preconceived notion, it is dishonest debate. I can compete on any level, you however, are simply dismissive of anything that you do not agree with.

Molly et. al. are correct, not sure why you even bothered to ask the question when you seem to have already formed you opinion of the answer. I have a suggestion for, if you see a profile where the woman states that her family is very important, steer clear, you are not compatible because you won't be the centre of her universe day and night.
 ArtisteRoyale
Joined: 11/5/2013
Msg: 31
My family is very important
Posted: 11/9/2013 8:09:36 PM
to Hamilton: I notice you miss out sections of my message so that your remarks make some sort of sense. Remember the bit about "dumping"? This is not a high school debate. You don't score points and I do notice when you cheat. If you are not prepared to answer my points honestly and to quote honestly why do you bother at all. Do you really think you can get away with this stuff? I mean to say, I do remember what I wrote and it is written in the forum so it isn't as if you can get away with it. Are you writing to me or yourself?
 Ladyinred4755
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 32
My family is very important
Posted: 11/9/2013 8:19:37 PM

they are basically letting men know they will always be low on the priority list .
OH hockey puck! Pure BS!......................."I am first and foremost family oriented, " Quoted from the first line in my profile. THIS means I have a family, we like each other and get along well. It means there will be times I'm out of town over a weekend, to visit my brother and his family, or I'm out of town, taking the train to visit my son, his wife and my granddaughters. It means there will be occasions I have to help my 79 yr old mother or my 78 yr old aunt.. .............At some point in a conversation, I will TALK about my family. I am fully capable of making anyone special to me, a priority, in the right time and the right place. This information is given, for any man reading my profile to know, I AM part of a loving family, as a daughter, sister, mother, grandmother. IT IS WHO I AM. I don't aim to cut anyone out of my life, actually desire to add to my life. I would hope the man in my life would wish to do the same.
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 33
My family is very important
Posted: 11/9/2013 8:53:03 PM

to Hamilton: I notice you miss out sections of my message so that your remarks make some sort of sense. Remember the bit about "dumping"? This is not a high school debate. You don't score points and I do notice when you cheat. If you are not prepared to answer my points honestly and to quote honestly why do you bother at all. Do you really think you can get away with this stuff? I mean to say, I do remember what I wrote and it is written in the forum so it isn't as if you can get away with it. Are you writing to me or yourself


WTF, cheat in a post on a forum, are you serious? I answered your questions, sure I didn't quote every single thing you wrote but, I notice that you did not address large portions of what I wrote and you are correct, this is not a high school debate, this is the real world. As for the writing you or myself, I am expressing my opinions, forgive me if I didn't follow you notions of how that should be done.

I will address the dumped (not that you will pay attention anyway)

Yes I wholeheartedly made a statement regarding dumping friends and family for a new partner and I stand by that statement. A new person in any role in my life (other than a grandchild) is not going to be one of the high priority people in my life right from the start, you better believe that they are going to have to earn that. I will not neglect others and change plans for someone I just met. Once I have known them long enough to include them in the rest of my life, I will. But that does not happen right away and it shouldn't.

Now let's address the things I ignore. Let's start with maturity, having a different viewpoint does not make anyone more or less mature. It means they have a different viewpoint. Perhaps the view 17 years in the future will be different for me as well, but at this point, I have a life that doesn't centre around one person (other than myself

Now let's talk about the apron strings remark. I have two happy, healthy, successful and independent adult children. But we are still family, we are still a high priority in each other's lives. Do I see them every day? No. Do I talk to them everyday? No. Am I there if they need me? Of course, just like they are there if I need them. But it is not just about kids, it is about family as a whole, in some odd way, you seem to resent others having family. Perhaps you would be better off seeking someone who is retired, has no children, siblings or surviving parents, then you wouldn't have any competition for the top spot. (better make them a hermit as well!)
 Doremi_Fasolatido
Joined: 2/14/2009
Msg: 34
view profile
History
My family is very important
Posted: 11/9/2013 9:00:12 PM
I'd say family would be important to a lady your age OP. No one really knows us as well as our family members... If a lady is close to her family I'd consider that a good indicator of her being able to care for others. At least, I've noticed this to be true in most close knit families.

If I get into a new relationship my partner will not exceed my love for my family members. I mean, I love my children, cousins and my Mom. But, in a different way than I would a romantic partner.

If you're lucky and find the right woman maybe you'll eventually become part of her family and she will become part of yours. Maybe that is what some of the women who say family is important see as an end ?
 Ladyinred4755
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 35
My family is very impIf you're lucky and find the right woman maybe you'll eventually become portant
Posted: 11/9/2013 9:05:25 PM
If you're lucky and find the right woman maybe you'll eventually become part of her family and she will become part of yours. Maybe that is what some of the women who say family is important see as an end ?
Tada! BINGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 sassyscorpiochick
Joined: 9/29/2010
Msg: 36
My family is very impIf you're lucky and find the right woman maybe you'll eventually become portant
Posted: 11/10/2013 12:58:18 AM
I have a good friend who is very poor. He is on disability and doesn't have 2 nickels to rub together. He gets online looking to find someone. He's not bad looking and he writes a nice profile and starts writing to someone . Pretty soon he gets a message that their children and grand children take up so much of their time, they don't think they have time to put into a relationship. He gets so mad at children and grandchildren.

I think it's a nice way to let him down easy. Once they figure out how broke he is, they use the kids as an excuse to stop writing to him.
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 37
My family is very impIf you're lucky and find the right woman maybe you'll eventually become portant
Posted: 11/10/2013 4:51:18 AM

I have a good friend who is very poor. He is on disability and doesn't have 2 nickels to rub together. He gets online looking to find someone. He's not bad looking and he writes a nice profile and starts writing to someone . Pretty soon he gets a message that their children and grand children take up so much of their time, they don't think they have time to put into a relationship. He gets so mad at children and grandchildren.

I think it's a nice way to let him down easy. Once they figure out how broke he is, they use the kids as an excuse to stop writing to him.


I think you are right about that, for some it is an excuse to not get involved with a certain person, while for others it has to do with being burned in the past by the centre of the universe type.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 38
My family is very important
Posted: 11/10/2013 5:02:06 AM
I would be just as concerned if a woman still considers her ex as an important part of her family. It's fine to be cordial to an ex if they bump into each other, especially if there are kids involved, but some people never get over the break-up and still want their ex to be around and still be part of their family dynamics. I've heard people say their ex is still their best friend. Thar would concern me more.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 39
My family is very important
Posted: 11/10/2013 5:05:24 AM
To maleman: my thoughts exactly. Thanks for your support

OP got the validation he was looking for!! thread closed!! :modhammer:

nyuk nyuk.


OP, did you ever stop to consider that most people are just trying to write a bloody profile, i.e., a few paragraphs that are supposed to tell you *something* about who they are and what they value? AND ALSO that most people just don't know how to write all that well? so they merely ape what they've seen and heard elsewhere without really putting a lot of thought into it?

go find every example of someone saying "my family is very important" and tell me how well-written the rest of their profile is. for at least 90% of them, i'll bet the whole thing is a real snooze-fest.

"my family is very important" = "I have solid family ties"... NOT "i'm going to throw you under the bus the minute my kid gets a hangnail".


You assume too much. I was referring to a situation when I was a second class citizen because of race in another country.

so in other words, you're still twisting in the wind about something that happened to you somewhere else in another country, and now you automatically have a reaction every time someone here says "My family is very important"?? LOL you are the poster child for "assume too much".

well at least you know which profiles you should avoid. lots of others to look at.... off you go then.
 ArtisteRoyale
Joined: 11/5/2013
Msg: 40
My family is very important
Posted: 11/10/2013 5:05:29 AM
Ladyinred
Thank you for that. It was a Eureka moment. I now get it. "family is important" is code for "I have a lot of important family commitments so I can only accommodate a part time boyfriend/girlfriend." This sounds sleazy so a euphemism is invented. My family is out of the house and far enough away that I am not involved in their day to day lives so I am looking for a 24/7 relationship. It didn't occur to me to mention family as an excuse for a casual relationship . . . because I'm not looking for one. I thought it odd that others mentioned it and I stewed over that for a couple of weeks suspecting something but not knowing what it was. A few hours on this forum and I have my answer. Ain't forums great!? It is also an insight into what an amazing thing our brains are that they can do these things without us knowing what is going on. I'm quite sure those who use this euphemism have no idea what they are saying or why and yet they say it. It all makes perfect sense now. I get it.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 41
My family is very important
Posted: 11/10/2013 5:22:54 AM

I was referring to a situation when I was a second class citizen because of race in another country. Nothing to do with relationships between two people, but I see no difference when it applies to a personal relationship. Second class is second class is second class, no projection needed.


I got the feeling you were projecting as well. It need not be the same situation for it to remind you of a previous bad experience. I do some projecting myself, as I am sensitive to anyone that mentions the importance of God in their profile. I am comfortable with projecting my fear of this and saying it is likely unreasonable.

When someone is over 50 and they end a romantic relationships for whatever reason, often family are the only ones that help them get over it. I am not surprised that women mention family as that is the only loving relationships they have.

My wife’s family is like my own. Family can make unreasonable demands, just as a spouse can. One has to judge the relative importance of various requests of your time. If someone isn't reasonable, then just say no. No one becomes an automatic priority by virtue of their position in my life. They have a higher priority depending on the situation, but I am not a lap dog that caters to unreasonable requests.

If someone in my family or my wife’s' didn't approve of either one of us, or wants things that would hurt us, we would tell that person they can't be helped, or ignore that person's opinion . That doesn't mean I don't enjoy spending time with her family or that my wife wouldn’t help me care for my mother.

If someone that mentions family on a profile as being important bothers you, they don't date that person.

I don't think mentioning family is code for anything. It might be an indication that family is more important to them than a BF, or it might be innocuous mention that they are lonely and without their family they would be lost. But a romatic partner can fill this hole in their lives.

What do you expect to accomplish by this thread? Change people's profile or how they feel about family? Explain your preferences, jusify them?

IMO date someone you are attracted to and find out for yourself what they are really about, don't depend on someone to write a profile that is a psychological essay on their personality, most aren't that astute about analyzing themselves or about writing. Many things are said in passing that don't have the significance you think they do. Or just avoid those that mention family, up 2 you.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 42
My family is very important
Posted: 11/10/2013 5:34:24 AM

My family is out of the house and far enough away that I am not involved in their day to day lives so I am looking for a 24/7 relationship.


I doubt you would like a 24/7 relationship. You say you have never been busier? How much time do you really have, do you give up tutoring kids? Give up all your activities for your 24/7? Want to share them all with your partner? Spend every waking and sleeping moment with your partner?

You strike me as fairly independent person that wants a partner when you want them, but wants to do what you want to do when you want to do it, and are comfortable and likely prefer doing those things without a partner.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 43
My family is very important
Posted: 11/10/2013 5:47:51 AM
This ain't rocket science. Some people enjoy being part of a family dynamic. Numerous reasons why. Stability, as in, family will always be family, no matter what, in a lot of instances. Some people do no understand it,cause,well, they have never been really part of one, other than by name.

Not all familys are the same by the way. Nor is the feeling of the family "unit". With that, each individual out there will have a different feeling and belief of how "important" THEIR family is to THEM. Some "get it" and some "don't". This includes different opinions/feelings of individuals in the same family. If you have never, ever, been part of a "family" that understands the importance of being a "family", you will NEVER know, especially as you get older. I do believe OP, you are one of those. Not that there is anything wrong with it, it's just that I kinda feel sorry for ya.

When the shiat hits the fan is one of the moments that I don't have to question who I can lean on. When the rainbows and butterflies are around, it real "easy" to sugar coat the importance of a person you are dating. Dating. Who do you turn to when the shiat hits the fan?????
 ArtisteRoyale
Joined: 11/5/2013
Msg: 44
My family is very important
Posted: 11/10/2013 5:53:03 AM
dragonbits:
My last relationship was 24/7 and it was just great. We did everything together (I work at home). In terms of hours spent together we often joked that we had been married for 30 years compared to the hours spent together by an "average" couple. I'm not going to get into it but the divorce was nothing to do with the relationship and was caused by an outside situation that should have been dealt with long ago. Not going there but I know that 24/7 works just great and you are quite wrong about me. I am very independent, sure, but I can, and did, spend all of my time with my partner and it was a good life. We were always under the same roof, most of the time in the same room and often on the same piece of furniture. It worked for me!
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 45
view profile
History
My family is very important
Posted: 11/10/2013 6:02:17 AM
There are lots of threads like this, pointing out some common phrase that gets repeated in lots of profiles. The most common thing about all these "repeated-profile-comment" threads is, that the person posting them has a single personal concern, which they feel that the common comments are attacking or undermining.

This OP appears to have a huge concern that he will never be more than a side entertainment to the people who say "family first," or some variation on that.

That paranoia is entirely your own problem to deal with, OP.

Because in most cases of supposed "profile code phrases," there really is no secret message.

The first thing to suspect when you see a phrase get repeated by lots of people, is 'crowd effect,' or 'mob mentality.' Quite simply, people who have to fill up a profile, often look at a bunch of other profiles, and then write the same sorts of things. The only "hidden message" in almost ANY common phrase is, "I am one of you. I belong here." If it became a fad to say "kill all dictators," you'd see THAT show up in lots of profiles, and it wouldn't mean that all those folks were about to join a militia and storm a castle somewhere.

The second thing to suspect is, that actions of others have TRIGGERED people to write certain things in. Common phrases like "no players allowed" can come from that sort of reactive source. With a phrase like "my family is very important," it can be that many of these people believe that have come to be alone, because their ex either wanted them to devote ALL of their time to them (and to shut their family or even their own children out), or the opposite, that their ex left them because they didn't seem to be caring enough.

The third most likely reason for a phrase to be repeated, is that it ALMOST talks about something, and the writer hasn't decided to put in the work needed to say EXACTLY what their concern is. "I am down to earth" is that kind of phrase. It really doesn't mean anything at all, but the person puts it in because it ALMOST means to them, whatever it is that they are concerned about. It might mean that they don't expect their proposed new mate to wear a tux all the time, or it might mean that they don't want to be expected to dress to the nines and party every night, or any number of things.

Clearly the OP in this thread, has an intense negative reaction to the phrase "my family is important" for some reason. He, and he alone will have to figure out WHY that phrase triggers such an emotional and negative reaction in him.

Now that I think on it, it would be fun (though illegal) to comb the forums and profiles for ALL of the various catch phrases like this, and write ALL of them into a single profile.

"I am a down to earth person, who loves to dress to the nines and dance the night away, while travelling spontaneously to every corner of the globe, where I will show how important my family and home and hearth is, and build a lasting, firm and loving relationship with my equally home-bodied, adventurous, non-player, and unique mate, who is the opposite of my last one."



Or something like that. The site could post it as a clearly marked dummy profile, wherein any new people could find the most common phrases NOT to put into their own profiles.
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 46
My family is very important
Posted: 11/10/2013 6:02:36 AM
Thanks Walts, perhaps that explains it in a way the OP can understand. Although judging by his last post I doubt it.

You know over the years, I have had many people tell me that they envy the relationship I have with my kids, and a few jealous ones tell me that I need to cut the apron strings!

Front row at a KISS concert with my adult son, shopping with my soon to be daughter in law (my son says it is a dangerous thing for everyone's budgets), Winery tours with my daughter and niece and their SOs. Hanging around at my place cooking, drinking wine and playing cards and board games. Getting on the bus and going into TO to the St. Lawrence market early on a Saturday morning with my son. These are their choices as well as mine and my guy respects that. Yes I have my own friends and my own life, but we still spend time together as a family.


My family is out of the house and far enough away that I am not involved in their day to day lives so I am looking for a 24/7 relationship.


This says volumes, most of us are not involved in their adult children's day-to-day lives but I don't know many who want a 24/7 relationship.

And reading you last post, I finally get it! You want someone who is with you all the time, if their family is important to them, they might actually want to spend time with someone other than you! Good luck with finding that.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 47
My family is very important
Posted: 11/10/2013 6:03:21 AM

We were always under the same roof, most of the time in the same room and often on the same piece of furniture. It worked for me!


Ok, I believe you. Most people don't really want to spend nearly all their time with their spouse. Quite a few like to sleep in separate beds, many like to keep separate homes and only spend weekends together.

I think it might be difficult though not impossible to find someone that really wants 24/7.
 ArtisteRoyale
Joined: 11/5/2013
Msg: 48
My family is very important
Posted: 11/10/2013 6:07:32 AM
Walts;
You assume way too much. When the shiat hit the fan and things were looking decidedly bad my family was there for me in spades and all three of them wanted me to move in with them. I managed to hold it all together and actually came out of it OK so I didn't have to move but I have absolutely no doubts about my family or my friends who were equally supportive. I am very proud of my girls and they are 100% there for me and I for them. I don't understand why you assume things are bad for me. I live a good life but a lonely one. That is why I am here. The only thing missing is a partner. I am very social, hell's bells I am sometimes committed everyday of the week to something or other but that special person hasn't shown up yet. Sure there are irons in the fire but no fire in the soul. Why are you assuming my life sucks. It doesn't.
 ArtisteRoyale
Joined: 11/5/2013
Msg: 49
My family is very important
Posted: 11/10/2013 6:25:01 AM
Hi Igor:
Everything you say makes a lot of sense and there are comments I could make but they would be digressions really. Thanks for our input. I'm going back to read your well thought out and intelligent observations again but will leave you with the thought that even paranoids have enemies.
 SWEET_MAVERICK
Joined: 9/28/2013
Msg: 50
My family is very important
Posted: 11/10/2013 6:42:48 AM
IMO that phrase can mean several things...

overly enmeshed/poor boundaries w/ family members= only wants an occassional escort for certain functions

OR

a psychologically well balanced person who has good relationships w/ their family.

OR anything in between those 2 scenarios!

BUT this is a dating site, not a Waltons-family-reunion-site, so...I'd not lead w/ the family statement, or eliminate it totally from an ad/profile.


When you were married there must have been conflicts between your wife's needs and our son's needs. Now I'm not talking life and death issues here, just every day living. If you always put your son's needs first no matter what then no wonder you are divorced. We raise our kids to leave home and live their own lives but our partners are for ever. Our partners have to come first with most things. When a new partner arrives on the scene they have to be given exactly the same status or they become second class citizens (your term). This is not an acceptable position for anybody, man or woman. My love for my family is totally secure and cannot be harmed by my giving privilege to a new partner. If your relationship with your son would be damaged by you giving preference to a new partner then I would conclude that your son is very immature and/or your relationship is very shallow. My love for my kids and their love for me cannot be shaken by trivialities. Partners are special, family is for ever.

It is simply a truism that if your family comes first then your partner must come second. I am totally secure with my family and I am totally secure putting my partner first and I have no doubt my family would agree to the arrangement because they are all secure in their own skins.


I concur w/ the above statements.
There are different personalities for us to date or fall in love with. So maybe the family oriented bunch should all hang together & play Brady Bunch & the less family oriented people should hang out & do their own thing.
I would never play 2nd fiddle to an adult child. Been there, done that, hated it. It is sick, I had a LTR w/ a man who was emotionally incestuous w/ his daughter(s). He was sick & made his daughters sick. Very dysfunctional lot. Selfish man too. What goes around, comes around. Yes, I admit it, I don't feel sorry when people get the repurcussions of their actions. Am I bitter? No, indifferent at worst, honest at best!
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