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 sweetpe4u
Joined: 11/4/2013
Msg: 26
Am I overreacting?Page 2 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
You both overreacted, OP. She didn't need to act out like that but, then again, neither did you. She was obviously just baiting you to get a reaction, otherwise she would have just called the cops or ignored it. You engaged and a blow-up ensued. Unfortunate, but easily avoidable, at least on your part. If her actions were a deal breaker, you could have simply cut her out then and there without all the histrionics.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 27
Am I overreacting?
Posted: 11/26/2013 2:12:24 PM
I immediately call this out. I've not been in a relationship ever, but I've seen this before, so I tell her "Hold on, why is that if a woman sees or hears about (DV/fight/argument) she needs to start talking shit to the nearest man?" I told her that mess had nothing to do with us.

I was pretty mad. I took her words as a preemptive threat, adding animosity to our previously rosy situation. You're not going to threaten me, over something that's going on between two faceless, nameless people.


OP, out of curiosity, if she been your own sister instead of your girlfriend, and she said the same thing, wouldn't you think she just needed to vent, and you just happened to be the only person there that could lend her an ear? Why should this be any different?
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 28
Am I overreacting?
Posted: 11/26/2013 2:19:37 PM

HOW exactly did she threaten YOU??


I think he’s answered that:


In fact even through my seething…..I dont have an anger problem.


Sounds like denial. He’s “seething” because he imagines he’s being “threatened” by nothing, but insists that he DOESN’T have an anger problem….then goes on to display childish passive-aggressiveness by pretending everything’s okay and ignoring her attempts to contact him, rather than discuss it like an adult. Instead he expects her to magically know what’s wrong with him.

Maybe he’s taking it personally and feeling threatened, and not reassuring her he would never hurt her, because he can’t make that promise.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 29
Am I overreacting?
Posted: 11/26/2013 4:03:10 PM

You both overreacted, OP. She didn't need to act out like that but, then again, neither did you. She was obviously just baiting you to get a reaction, otherwise she would have just called the cops or ignored it. You engaged and a blow-up ensued. Unfortunate, but easily avoidable, at least on your part. If her actions were a deal breaker, you could have simply cut her out then and there without all the histrionics.


Only post that "got it".

Ladies, unless you are on the other end of this kind of rant,expression or whatever ya wanna call it, you don't have a clue how the other side feels, so enough. Yeah, you can express your feelings about what the OP's girlfriend was possibly feeling, but you could, for one second think about some of guys that have heard this more than once, from more than one. After awhile, some out there do go off the charts.

If the young lady had enough balls, she would have shut her yap, and walked over to the phone and phoned the cops. But, even, then, we all know, that could cause even more grief for the woman being yelled at, or abused or whatever was happening. So, instead she vents or rants?????? Yeah, she made a big DIFFERENCE in the young lady's life across the hallway. She and the OP, could have(should have????) done a little more than worried about themselves.

Personally, I wouldn't have just walked away or acted like the OP. I "would have" expressed my displeasure in the way the girlfriend acted, told her to go talk to someone professionally, and if she didn't, than say my goodbyes. Again, ladies, unless you are the other side, you really don't know how "out of hand" it can get, no matter how "good" the reason for such rant.
 63T
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 30
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History
Am I overreacting?
Posted: 11/26/2013 4:13:31 PM
It would seem to me that the fighting neighbours had invoked an emotional reaction to a perceived subconscious threat from your girlfriend that was rooted in an attachment to a past unresolved personal event(s). The response would be suggestive of the depth of the violation and the hurt that she had experienced. Her expressing, "Let a man put his hands on ME... So on and so forth. He better get out of town", was a defensive attempt to quell her emotion(s). She was simply overwhelmed with emotion, anxiety.
An appropriate response could have been to reach out to her with open and sympathetic, reassuring arms.

Instead, you became overwhelmed and defensive as well, suggesting that you possess an unhealthy emotional attachment to a past event(s) resulting in your overreacting (passive aggression) as a maladaptive behaviour based on a conscious belief that you had been threatened.
However, your perceived threat from her was inappropriate as she had not directed her expression towards you and, you had not acted in any threatening or aggressive manner towards her, initially (even if she had directed the response towards you, reaching out to her with open and sympathetic arms would have been most reassuring to her and to yourself).
Your (passive) aggressive behaviour after the fact is cause for concern in that you are now treating her as she had been treated in the past.
Ignoring her intentionally is passive aggressive control, based on a manipulative mind state and a desire to cause her emotional pain (highly inappropriate and disconcerting).

I would strongly recommend that both of you sit down and have a sincere apologetic conversation while exposing the underlying truth as to why both of you reacted. Be truthful and supportive of each other to ultimately strengthen the relationship and your love for each other, rather than defensive and attacking.
This is a time when both of you require support in attempting to resolve issues and to learn how to be emotionally responsive rather than emotionally reactive.
This is why relationships are so wonderful as they afford these opportunities for growth.

If you "break up" with her then, you will have missed a chance to grow and evolve and instead, reinforce your anger and resentment, maladaptive behaviour (stifling) to bring to the next relationship, only to be forced to start over again with your then deeper rooted issues of resentment and related beliefs, behaviours.

Both of you have the power to create a wonderful, lasting, fulfilling relationship or be mired in an emotional meshing of unresolved issues and maladpative, destructive behaviours that will have profound and lasting negative consequences.

If, having a sincere, apologetic and supportive conversation seems far to overwhelming and difficult, consistrently resulting in attacks or lashing out then, I would recommend therapeutic intervention.
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 31
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Am I overreacting?
Posted: 11/26/2013 4:50:20 PM
OP, your original question was: "Am I overreacting?"

Very simple answer - Yes.
 DudeBro82
Joined: 11/19/2013
Msg: 32
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History
Am I overreacting?
Posted: 11/26/2013 5:22:21 PM
And yeah, most of that in the profile is a joke.

My interests are "Me, Myself and Irene".....a Jim Carrey movie. Ect. Some of you are too old and stuffy. Would a grown man really like Bieber? Or Twilight?


Maybe he’s taking it personally and feeling threatened, and not reassuring her he would never hurt her, because he can’t make that promise.


I love this one.

I have never been in a real relationship in the first place, for anything to even get to a point of fighting/hitting. Fighting/arguing with women isn't an everyday thing for me. I've only been in FWB type "relationships" until now, and some pretty messed up stuff has come from those; potential kids, uncertainties, and other unsavory things. I haven't ever so much raised my voice; I remove myself quietly and from quickly from it. Other than that, I care about not going to jail/getting a felony far too much to hit a woman.

I mean a girl whose child was possibly mine called me a racial slur. If THAT isn't going to make me hit her, then no I don't hit females. Thank you.
 ouija2013
Joined: 12/9/2012
Msg: 33
Am I overreacting?
Posted: 11/26/2013 5:40:03 PM
The idea you think there is a TIME to strike a woman, strike anyone
means you need to work on your issues
Sticks and stones
Potential kids? sweet
You do know where babies come from , right?
Good you don;t hit because you are worried about jail time.. sheesh..
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 34
Am I overreacting?
Posted: 11/26/2013 5:42:51 PM
I remove myself quietly and from quickly from it. Other than that, I care about not going to jail/getting a felony far too much to hit a woman.

I mean a girl whose child was possibly mine called me a racial slur. If THAT isn't going to make me hit her, then no I don't hit females. Thank you.


Is that the only thing stopping you? The prospect of going to jail? You may not be physically abusive, but I believe you're emotionally abusive. You pretended that everything was all hunky-dory with the woman, then cut her off cold with no explanation. People aren't mind-readers.
 lostnfoundluv
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 35
Am I overreacting?
Posted: 11/26/2013 6:23:35 PM
I can understand that fights can be contagious but cant understand why is this woman so apologetic to you and still texting you and calling you !
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 36
Am I overreacting?
Posted: 11/26/2013 6:24:01 PM
^^^^^ Be careful how quick you decide to judge the statement ladies. At least half of the world doesn't do things because of the "legality" of it all. And don't you dare tell me you don't. I read all the time here and there. My daughter and I just finished talking about the forms of abuse and what some have "put up with" over the past decades and how things have "changed". Some of your mothers have some stories that they wouldn't dare tell you.

There is a reason most of you are reacting, and voicing the "opinions" you are. Can you admit why????? Anyone???? Anyone???? Check your genitals.


Once upon a time a man abused(hit??) the OP's girlfriend. Until said woman can come to terms with the past, her future with ANYBODY will be affected, somehow. Me, you, nor the OP can change how this women reacts to certain things that "remind" her of this past. No one's "fault". As more than one person has stated, she needs to go talk to someone, cause no matter how much "reassurance" from anyone(especially a male) in her personal life, it will be her that decides how she reacts/acts the next time. And yes, there will be a next time.

Here in the forums we ALL talk about how WE have to deal with our pasts before inviting others into our future. Our we all gonna throw out this advice because this situation involves a male abusing a female?????
 lostnfoundluv
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 37
Am I overreacting?
Posted: 11/26/2013 6:51:52 PM
Now someone is really overreacting !!
 Proteaus
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 38
Am I overreacting?
Posted: 11/26/2013 6:58:16 PM
To Opp : You got lucky and got to see a side of her that she would otherwise hide from you as long as possible . Just a little taste of whats around the corner . Dump and run .
 MetalVixxn
Joined: 4/4/2007
Msg: 39
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History
Am I overreacting?
Posted: 11/26/2013 7:00:40 PM
Wow, yeah - totally over reacting.
People make comments like that all the time; comparing themselves to others and their behavior.
When I see kids throwing fits on the ground at the grocery store I've been known to say, "If I ever had a kid and he acted like that...(insert whatever). My boyfriend has a kid and he's never once taken offense and thought I was talking about his kid.
My sister's boyfriend talks down to her and I'll say to my boyfriend, "If a guy ever talked to me that way..."
So what?! It's a general statement.
In no way do I see how she was directing anything towards you.
I've heard guys bash their girlfriends when they're not around and I've said to my boyfriend, "If I ever found out you were talking about me that way, it would be over!" Is that a threat? I guess. Did he throw a hissy and want nothing to do with me? No. Does he know I know he'd NEVER do that? Yes. So there's nothing to be upset about. People say stuff like that all the time. They're harmless comments and it helps you get to know people. So you don't like that she wouldn't stand for a guy treating her that way? Fine - I guess it's best you do stay away from her.
 fieryredhead77
Joined: 12/17/2012
Msg: 40
Am I overreacting?
Posted: 11/26/2013 7:01:50 PM
Dude: at the very least you are codependant. Why can't this girl who you 'aren't even in a relationship with' have an emotional outburst without you having to completely cut yourself off from her and be so upset about it that you start up a forum conversation about overreacting?

At the most - I would be willing to guess (totally guessing here, mind you) that you come from an abusive upbringing yourself which is why you haven't had any relationships, only FWB, and quickly cut yourself off from people whenever strong emotions arise. The way that you ignored this 'not girlfriend' and yes, it would be considered emotional abuse if you were actually in a relationship. But since you aren't, I guess it isn't technically abuse, right? Emotional abuse is considered to be as detrimental as physical abuse.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 41
Am I overreacting?
Posted: 11/26/2013 7:06:49 PM

I was pretty mad. I took her words as a preemptive threat, adding animosity to our previously rosy situation. You're not going to threaten me, over something that's going on between two faceless, nameless people.

So anyway, she sensed that I was upset, and became apologetic, adding that she's been through that. I played the short remainder of our time cool; she went in for a kiss, saying "I know you're not like that" I kinda went with it, just to be easy but I cancelled the dinner we were going to have. She told me to text her when I got home. Didnt. She sent one later. Then others. I havent responded. Even this morning, a "Hi" then a "whats wrong, i thought things were good between us". Yeah, no response yet either.

I guess, since I let her kiss me right after, she assumes that that isnt a problem. But I'm pissed enough to cut her off from my life.


What a sad story. Yes, please leave her, with apology, and get some help. Your girlfriend was hurt in her past, it angers her, and somehow you make that about you. That’s not right. No compassion but great selfishness.

Once I dated a guy who looked down on women who had experienced abuse in the past, but he wanted compassion and support for his own, quite serious, mental health problems. In the end, he wanted a perfect person because he wasn’t- a crutch, not a partner. He had a lifetime history- much longer than yours- of one-sided relationships, never a real deep mutual connection. I don’t know if that’s an issue with you, but this story reminded me of him. Just a thought.
 PurpleZebra12
Joined: 10/9/2013
Msg: 42
Am I overreacting?
Posted: 11/26/2013 7:36:21 PM
A survivor of domestic violence gets upset when she hears it happening... and *you* feel threatened?What next, you'll feel threatened if a cancer survivor gets upset when someone makes a flippant remark about the disease? Tell a veteran to suck it up?

Frankly, I'm disturbed that you seem more upset that the couple nearby "ruined" your evening than that a woman and child might be in danger. I'm disturbed that your date shared something so personal with you and you feel threatened. Did you even ask any questions about her past experiences? Maybe this "let a man put his hands on ME" and "he better get out of town" had nothing to do with you, but was what she wish she had done to the guy in her past.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 43
Am I overreacting?
Posted: 11/26/2013 8:11:22 PM

I guess, since I let her kiss me right after, she assumes that that isnt a problem. But I'm pissed enough to cut her off from my life. It might seem small to someone else. But basically, I feel like I was threatened for the other guy's issues, and that she brought animosity that was unwarranted. Even if I were to have said "I would never do that do you, baby" How can you even get that far, when the woman is basically already ****ing?


Well... she apparently had a nerve hit by hearing the scenario; and she expressed the fact that nerve was hit verbally; by expressing her discomfort with the situation; whether she was just venting to express her feelings or commenting to see how you responded to her comments, either way she was communicating in words that she had issues with what she considers abuse.

YOU apparently had a nerve hit by hearing HER reaction to the scenario (somehow you took her comment to be directly aimed at you; rather than expressed in your hearing... and you have communicated passive aggressive contempt for her; by giving her the silent treatment, NOT reassuring her you are protecting towards women and kids, and letting her hang altogether without a word at all.

So the difference between you two? Hers was not in your face; it was in your hearing. Yours, however, WAS in her face. The cruelest words sometimes? Are the ones that are not spoken... when someone is left hanging unaware.

I know, she made you react that way, right?
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 44
Am I overreacting?
Posted: 11/26/2013 8:21:40 PM
Purple and Moon, good posts. I find it interesting where the OP takes it as he did, like he was being accused of something. And if that is the case, what is the underlying reason for that. As far as the woman, she said what any woman would say and I know what I won't accept so if I say that to someone, I am not thinking that woman is what I won't accept. How could it? I wouldn't be still with her if I thought that, I would end it, so don't get this "reaction" at all. More to it.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 45
Am I overreacting?
Posted: 11/27/2013 3:17:34 AM
I have never been in a real relationship in the first place, for anything to even get to a point of fighting/hitting. I've only been in FWB type "relationships" until now, and some pretty messed up stuff has come from those; potential kids, uncertainties, and other unsavory things.

heh. how do you think you're going to navigate through the inevitable slings and arrows of a real relationship if you keep bottoming out on the FWBs??

"potential" kids??? have you considered a potential vasectomy?


Would a grown man really like Bieber?

possibly, but a black man... no f'n way.
 five-marie
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 46
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Am I overreacting?
Posted: 11/27/2013 4:29:25 AM
""Hold on, why is that if a woman sees or hears about (DV/fight/argument) she needs to start talking shit to the nearest man?"
Why would you phrase this as if all women do this?
I think overhearing the fight upset her and she was simply venting and looking for reassurance that you would never do this. How hard would it have been to forget about yourself for a second and let her know that you would never do something like this? We all have fears/baggage and a little compassion/understanding goes a long way.
I have no idea how you took any of this to be a threat to you.
I think your behaviour during and after this incident says you have more baggage than she does. Possible abusive situation occurring within earshot, girlfriend upset, and this whole situation is about you and your perceived mistreatment.
 NDTfan
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 47
Am I overreacting?
Posted: 11/27/2013 5:05:09 AM
Yes, you are; and she's not reacting enough.

If you took something like that personally, it's most likely that you recognize yourself in the guy's behaviour. If there was never any chance that you'd do something like that it wouldn't have phased you at all. Your reaction, the brooding, etc. These are all indicators of an abusive person.

It's a good thing you weren't going out with my cousin at any point. When my ex punched me in the face, she flew into the room like a banshee and made sure he felt EXACTLY how he made me feel (and possibly worse, because she got a few more hits in). She's married to his brother, so I'm pretty sure that she's one of the reasons he never laid a hand on a woman again.
 HonkyTonk_Woman
Joined: 9/16/2013
Msg: 48
Am I overreacting?
Posted: 11/27/2013 5:52:38 AM

An appropriate response could have been to reach out to her with open and sympathetic, reassuring arms.

My thoughts as well.......
You are over reacting.....she may have had some experiences with being yelled at or victimized.
I have no idea why her words would offend you....really. If you took it personally.....I don't know why.
If it was me.....hearing a woman and child crying....I would have been running down the hallway.... to
knock on the door asking if everything was alright with them.
Hoping to diffuse the situation and/or to see if I could get an indication of what was happening....because the next step would be to call the police.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 49
Am I overreacting?
Posted: 11/27/2013 6:22:08 AM
If the situation with the fighting neighbors was that damn bad,if either one or both of you were concerned that it had or was going to escalate to physical violence, why didn't one of you call the cops?

Sorry OP, but these days many women DO speak up about protecting themselves from assault or abuse. And they have been known to actually put their money where their mouth is. Violence against women and children is a serious issue and if you feel like people taking a stand is some sort of "threat" to YOU, maybe some introspection is in order.
Cindy O
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 50
Am I overreacting?
Posted: 11/27/2013 7:10:10 AM
^^^ on Cindy O's

+1
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