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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Don't really know how to spark interests.      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 16
Don't really know how to spark interests. Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)

Don't really know how to spark interests.


Well, personally, if push comes to shove, you can buy a little propane torch with one of those small 1 lb bottles for about 25 bucks. Works like a charm, and gives new meaning to hot a s s !!!!!!
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 17
Don't really know how to spark interests.
Posted: 12/23/2013 4:22:17 PM

Don't really know how to spark interests.


Well, personally, if push comes to shove, you can buy a little propane torch with one of those small 1 lb bottles for about 25 bucks. Works like a charm, and gives new meaning to hot a s s !!!!!!
 CharminC
Joined: 2/19/2011
Msg: 18
Don't really know how to spark interests.
Posted: 12/24/2013 10:24:16 AM
Did it ever occur to you that if you change your approach, you may not get the girl that is right for you?
Just continue being yourself. and "she" will come along.
How do you know she is the one?.....There will be sparks ;)


Just understand, sparks are unpredictable. Sometimes it happens right away, sometimes not.
Regardless, it will happen.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 19
Don't really know how to spark interests.
Posted: 12/27/2013 8:27:40 AM

I feel so awkward with flirting in person and am so I rarely do it.


This you pay the price. Ever wonder why there are guys that the women want to be Just friends and they never seem to break into the lover zone? Simple, they play it safe. They hide their intensions because coming across as a friend is safe. And most women take them at that, they stop looking at those guys as anything else but friends.

So, if you want to get out of that zone, start showing your intent, start looking at a woman with the desire to fvck her. Show that in your eyes, then you can retreat a little, be a gentleman, but when you talk to her, make eye contact, then look at her lips and imagine kissing her. Don't be afraid to ask her more personal questions. Break her personal space and as you talk touch her. You see, the problem you have is that you have not created sexual tension. This is something very subtle, but very powerful. It says I am here because I find you attractive.

Get outside of your comfort zone. Until you do that you will keep repeating how awkward you feel and simply use it as an excuse, not a realization. Being outside of your comfort zone, regardless of what you do in life allows you to breach into the unknown and expand the definition of who you are and the risks you are willing to take.
 LiterateHiker
Joined: 11/30/2012
Msg: 20
Don't really know how to spark interests.
Posted: 12/27/2013 7:29:03 PM
Gruuve said:
At the other end of the spectrum are the sleazebags who will say anything to get laid, go after anything that's female and walks upright, and occasionally find an RGW (really good woman) but can't keep her because they're too abusive or much of a douchebag or loser or still chasing other women.

Gruuve, you had me laughing out loud, especially with, "...go after anything that's female and walks upright." Love your sense of humor.

Outmind, you are brilliant. Touch and eye contact build sexual tension. Thank you. Is it just me, or is it getting hot in here?
 SunForSome2
Joined: 11/11/2013
Msg: 21
Don't really know how to spark interests.
Posted: 12/27/2013 9:57:55 PM
Oh... and don't tell people upfront that you lack experience.... or reveal way too much about your personal issues or brag too much about your accomplishments. These things kill "sparks". It's better to be quiet and confident...look good, smell good, have a positive attitude... focus on going out and doing things that require you to be up and moving... something that allows a little physical contact... like dancing.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 22
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Don't really know how to spark interests.
Posted: 12/28/2013 11:27:02 PM

Oh... and don't tell people upfront that you lack experience.... or reveal way too much about your personal issues or brag too much about your accomplishments. These things kill "sparks". It's better to be quiet and confident...look good, smell good, have a positive attitude... focus on going out and doing things that require you to be up and moving... something that allows a little physical contact... like dancing.


That's right. Bragging too much or being insecure communicates that you're seeking approval and not a natural leader. Having quiet confidence communicates that you're comfortable with yourself and that you're able to take responsibility.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 23
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Don't really know how to spark interests.
Posted: 12/29/2013 5:20:00 PM
Actually having female friends is an advantage, at least you're comfortable with talking to and being around women and vice versa. While there is ample advice available, you really can't spark anyone's interest in you and that's true for everyone. I think you should talk to your female friends about this, but not about YOU personally, just ask about what it is that makes the difference between the guys they want to be friends with and the guys they want to date. If you ask about you specifically, they probably won't tell you as that would make them uncomfortable.

I think your best bet is to be happy and invested in your life. Often, the more one tries to focus on "finding" someone, the more likely they are to not succeed as they're easy to spot because they're either too anxious or eager. I think also the best thing you can do is to be in as many social situations where you're likely to meet women, and volunteering is a great place to start. The more social opportunities you engage in the more people you're likely to meet, even if it's not a woman or a woman your age. Many people have children, like me, who may be in your age group and if someone met you and liked you they may want you to meet their daughter (or niece....etc.).

Hope this helps!
 localRenoite12
Joined: 4/17/2013
Msg: 24
Don't really know how to spark interests.
Posted: 12/31/2013 1:52:56 AM
Is there really a point of spending time and basically "hand-crafting" well thought out messages if the chances of a woman responding are probably the same as if you say "hi"? This site seems nothing more like a slot machine than anything else, you're not going to take time to put a ton of concentration into every single spin of it. Also no offense, but a lot of the people on here seem to value "sexting" and looks far more than any well written message.

After a year of being on this site I have never ever gotten a message from a women committing on anything in my profile or hobbies shown in my pictures. All the messages have been either "oh you're cute", ":)" or "hey". Goes to show who has the ball in their court on this site...
 Dobermonster
Joined: 5/12/2010
Msg: 25
Don't really know how to spark interests.
Posted: 12/31/2013 2:40:18 AM
How long does it take to put together a couple sentences? 30 seconds? You don't have to write sonnet, just sound sincere and interested.
 SunForSome2
Joined: 11/11/2013
Msg: 26
Don't really know how to spark interests.
Posted: 12/31/2013 6:37:00 AM

Is there really a point of spending time and basically "hand-crafting" well thought out messages


No. If someone's message is too long... it feels the same as someone going on and on and on in a conversation... similar to a bore. Plus, if someone is actively chatting back and forth with multiple people, longer messages take more time to read. I would spend time focusing on dialog that draws someone into a conversation... that would lead to a first meet. I take a look at hobbies so I can come up with common interests. The second or third message is probably more important. If someone keeps saying "hi back"... I start to think that they can't hold a conversation... and I wouldn't want to meet them.

You are correct. The only reason why men and women message you is because they like your picture or they are trying to be polite... or they are bored and are looking for a online chat buddy. People are very visual. That is why they often suggest having an editorial picture in your profile... one that shows you engaged in one of your hobbies, travel pictures, or out with your friends.
 Maverick325
Joined: 10/13/2013
Msg: 27
Don't really know how to spark interests.
Posted: 1/2/2014 11:09:17 PM

No. If someone's message is too long... it feels the same as someone going on and on and on in a conversation... similar to a bore. Plus, if someone is actively chatting back and forth with multiple people, longer messages take more time to read.[\quote]

Been a while since I posted, but I'm afraid I had to come back, just to shoot this down. It's going to be fun.

First off, one problem with the whole idea of dating advice is that everything is really in the eye of the beholder. Some people would love a long message. Some not. Some people who get lots of messages would be happy to see a longer one that's thoughtful and well-written, for a change. I've had girls turn me down, but still tell me they appreciated it that I took the time to write something worth reading.

So, anyway, in dating, there isn't a well-defined right or wrong way to do things. What is there? Well, basically, it's all probability and statistics (beware of the ever-present "correlation does not imply causation", though). So, let's break out some stats if this link will work.

http://blog..com/index.php/how-to-get-people-to-reply-to-your-messages-in-online-dating-part-i/

So, there's the real answer, based on fact, not opinion.
 Maverick325
Joined: 10/13/2013
Msg: 28
Don't really know how to spark interests.
Posted: 1/2/2014 11:12:26 PM
Yeah, the link didn't work, as I suspected. It wouldn't let me say "Ok-you-know-what". So, if it's anyone's interested, just google "length of first message" and it should come right up.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 29
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Don't really know how to spark interests.
Posted: 1/6/2014 9:45:14 PM

Like most things in life, stay away from the extremes, and pick the middle ground...that's where you have the most success and the most stability. ;-)

I hope you don't mind me being so candid, btw...if you do, I'll delete the post. But, you did ask for help...you've got it, now do something with it. You're a man...us men are defined by our actions, so take action. ;-)


That's exactly it. Women have to feel attraction for you, otherwise there will never be a relationship. Compared to ten years ago, there is a huge wealth of information available online to browse through. Take a look and learn how to spice up your profile or how others have improved their success in dating.
 localRenoite12
Joined: 4/17/2013
Msg: 30
Don't really know how to spark interests.
Posted: 1/8/2014 12:04:36 AM

To the OP: I can tell that you are a truly nice person, and that you have a great heart. That shows in your posts and in your profile. And women love men with a good heart...they will see you as a "keeper". That's good.

Here's the problem: I took a quick look at your profile...dude, you are TOO nice. Your profile screams "I'm looking for a platonic friend" rather than "I'm looking for a lover". Where's the excitement? Where's the romance? Where's the intrigue or mystery or harmless mischief or just a a little bit of "danger" in being around you? Does a woman look at your profile and go "he's nice, but boring"....or "He's so nice that I'd have to kiss him first or start pulling his clothes off first...I'd always have to make the first move"...etc? Or does she look at it and go "This guy sounds he could show me some things I've never seen before"....or "Oh boy...I'd better not end up alone with him unless I'm ready for a fun night!" There's nothing that says the latter in your profile. Like I said before...let a little of your inner "animal instincts" out...you're a wolf on the prowl brother...a sweet, kind-hearted wolf that doesn't attack the defenseless baby calf, but a wolf nonetheless...women need to know that you ARE interested in (and capable of) a romantic/sexual relationship (but not JUST sex, nor JUST friends...it should be both) or they won't find you appealing as anything but a friend otherwise.

The continuum is: TOO-NICE/BORING........SEXY/INTRIQUING.......TRASHY/SLEAZEBAG.

Like most things in life, stay away from the extremes, and pick the middle ground...that's where you have the most success and the most stability. ;-)

I hope you don't mind me being so candid, btw...if you do, I'll delete the post. But, you did ask for help...you've got it, now do something with it. You're a man...us men are defined by our actions, so take action. ;-)

Cheers bro!
Gruuve


I feel you're either born with these instincts or you're not. I simply can't flirt, when i try I just feel stupid or trashy and it definitely doesn't seem like me.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 31
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Don't really know how to spark interests.
Posted: 1/8/2014 1:26:43 PM

I feel you're either born with these instincts or you're not. I simply can't flirt, when i try I just feel stupid or trashy and it definitely doesn't seem like me.


People say they "can't" do things because they give up after trying it once or twice. Guess what sort of person is really good at playing guitar, or flirting, or playing pool. The guys that play guitar all the time are good at guitar, the guys that flirt every day are good at flirting, an the guys that play pool all the time are good at pool. Don't worry about how your feel and your confidence, focus on becoming competent. No one is born with the ability to play guitar or play pool. These are all learned behaviours. You have to want to become a musician, and you have to want success with women. That desire will allow you to stay motivated. Don't give up just because it takes effort to learn things that don't come naturally to you. If you like women and like physical contact with women, you'll find a way around your problem.
Don't really know how to spark interests.
Posted: 1/9/2014 1:23:05 PM
To not repeat or critique all of the advice that's already been given, I'd just add this to keep things well rounded -

Be careful thinking that you're doing something wrong. You may, but you may not...just don't think that you are simply because you're not getting the reactions that you'd like. You might be doing just right for you. You might simply have not come across the right category of woman for you yet, who is also single, etc. Consider what others say, but be careful molding yourself and how you do things according to other's opinions. That's the part where one might try too hard. Sometimes someone tries too hard to adjust how they do things and they end up getting what they don't want or are looking for, because your goal transforms into just trying to increase the chance of a positive response or a certain behavior instead of finding what you're looking for, and even though you get more positive responses, those responses might be from people who are very unlike what you'd want or are looking for. Remember that someone else's idea of how you should go about doing things might be a good way to go for them, but not for you, because the person giving those suggestions might be an example of what you do not want. Doing things according to a person who might be an example of what you don't want would be counter-productive. So again, it's good to at least honestly consider other's ideas, but that's just because it's good to make sure that you've contemplated and examined yourself, and are clear about who you are and what you're trying to do, for yourself.
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 33
Don't really know how to spark interests.
Posted: 1/9/2014 10:39:10 PM
Read and understand what the friend zone is. Avoid getting into that. Basically, if you're not dating her, she's not your friend. Adter rejection, do what you want, but if she thinks you're trying to be her friend, that's likely all you'll ever be.

Don't be her friend, be the guy she wants to make her next boyfriend. But don't act like a boyfriend, but be clear that that's the goal.

And if you're looking for a spark you'll be single your entire life. Here in reality, people tend to not suddenly get that into someone they just met for the first time. That's gonna take some time. Time made up of her seeing you as a possible boyfriend, not a great guy.

Once you understand what I just said, you'll understand how to be successful at a lot note than just dating
 localRenoite12
Joined: 4/17/2013
Msg: 34
Don't really know how to spark interests.
Posted: 1/10/2014 12:27:06 AM

Read and understand what the friend zone is. Avoid getting into that. Basically, if you're not dating her, she's not your friend. Adter rejection, do what you want, but if she thinks you're trying to be her friend, that's likely all you'll ever be.

Don't be her friend, be the guy she wants to make her next boyfriend. But don't act like a boyfriend, but be clear that that's the goal.

And if you're looking for a spark you'll be single your entire life. Here in reality, people tend to not suddenly get that into someone they just met for the first time. That's gonna take some time. Time made up of her seeing you as a possible boyfriend, not a great guy.

Once you understand what I just said, you'll understand how to be successful at a lot note than just dating



This is one thing I have never understood about women, you have to get them attracted to you in like the first interaction or else you're just labeled as non-dating material and your chances are lost forever. Guys don't seem to group romantic interest as harshly.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 35
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Don't really know how to spark interests.
Posted: 1/10/2014 12:43:11 AM

This is one thing I have never understood about women, you have to get them attracted to you in like the first interaction or else you're just labeled as non-dating material and your chances are lost forever. Guys don't seem to group romantic interest as harshly.


Sure they do. You'll hear about lots of men not being interested in a woman because she's overweight, a gold digger, smokes like a chimney, drinks like a fish, etc. I think what you're talking about is attraction not being a choice. They either feel it for you or they don't and they're quick to put guys into the friend zone. That's why it's important to work on making a good first impression.
 Dobermonster
Joined: 5/12/2010
Msg: 36
Don't really know how to spark interests.
Posted: 1/10/2014 2:55:44 AM

This is one thing I have never understood about women, you have to get them attracted to you in like the first interaction or else you're just labeled as non-dating material and your chances are lost forever. Guys don't seem to group romantic interest as harshly.


Don't take it personally, it's just evolutionary biology. It doesn't make evolutionary sense for a guy to be picky, reproductively speaking - it does for women. The proportion of investment and risk in reproduction is much greater for a female than a male.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 37
Don't really know how to spark interests.
Posted: 1/17/2014 6:43:29 PM

it also planted a quite erotic image in her mind.


Wow dude. This is fantastic statement. I tell people it's like showing a gun in the first chapter, by chapter 5 it better be used.

It applies to flirting, it applies to everything. Before I have a date with a woman, I ask her what type of restaurants or what part of town does she lives, and then mention a couple of places and how much fun they are. It painted an image in her mind or how fun that place can be. So when I ask her out, she is not thinking, oh shit, too soon, but rather, I would love to go to that place you mentioned. Rather than creating a wall, she is ready to give you her phone number.

Planting images works for every stage of the way. And if you treat it as something humorous, or as a question, the impression is much bigger. The best part is that you are not using PUA manipulation, but simple human nature.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 38
Don't really know how to spark interests.
Posted: 1/17/2014 6:53:57 PM

Online dating hardly ever works for anyone who is really genuine. that is the truth.


You are right. People who pretend to be genuine, are people rapped up around their own ego, that they do not see that the world is about interaction, share, connect. They had these ideas that are narrow, their truths do not change and are unyielding. What happens when you mature enough to realize that you genuine version of life was just one more version of what life is. Do you at that point decide to close in in your dogma, or realize that there are other ideas, and expand your version of what "your self" constitutes. You decide.
 localRenoite12
Joined: 4/17/2013
Msg: 39
Don't really know how to spark interests.
Posted: 1/17/2014 11:54:46 PM

Hey brother. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in the introvert bandwagon. I'm 29 and I've been introverted all my life (still am and not ashamed), but that didn't make me give up.

I also had no experience and didn't understand flirting or body languages women throw at you (mainly didn't know how to respond to them). Introverted seems to be misunderstood by many as being shy. I think rejection can be a good thing too. Makes you develop thicker skin for it. I still get rejected but it has no emotional effect on me anymore. You have to keep going and take it as it is.

3 years ago I almost gave up on dating in real life and online. Read a lot about dating tips online and through pof forums (still do =D). Unfortunately it didn't work for me.

I understand where you come from being inexperienced. What I did to fix this problem (and some people may not like this subject) was to find a "tutor" or "girlfriend experience". In this day and age you have options. Online dating is not the last resort, but it's up to you to make the decision to take the steps if you feel you need to improve on yourself.

I have met interesting, intelligent and wonderful women that have taught me a great deal. I have learned a lot about body language, intimacy and improved my confidence. Approaching and talking to women is not as complicated as I once thought. But do make an effort to avoid the friendzone if your intent is to find someone to be more than friends.

If you do end up taking my advice, I suggest doing tons of research online and reading reviews.


I'm not really introverted anymore. I have a large network of friends and I have an easy time talking to people in general, the only problem is I sort of falter when I feel I'm being evaluated, so I'm not the best at building attraction.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 40
Don't really know how to spark interests.
Posted: 1/19/2014 8:49:44 AM
the only problem is I sort of falter when I feel I'm being evaluated, so I'm not the best at building attraction.


Alas, there is the key to your problem. You have created barriers in your mind because you want a sense of approval. Your own program is working against you. YOur program says, I get the girl, I win. So when you do not get the girl you think that you did something wrong, or were not good enough, thus you lose. Remove those paradigms from your mind.

The only "Losing" that it really exists is to stop trying. Everything else is an excuse. Think about that one. So when you are with girls, who gives a rats a ss, what they think. Express your self. Learn from the exchange, learn from the huge mistakes that you make. Be willing to make those mistakes and embrace them. And along the way, create sexual tension. That is the difference between those that end up as "just friends" and those that sleep with the girl.


When you stick to a rigid concept of "it must be this way or it's not good", then you insure that you miss out of some really good things (ie. nothing is ever "the way it's supposed to be").


Gruuve, well said. Your advice is also right on the money. And that is the problem with rigid thinking, whether it comes from the scientific side, any of the religions, or any culture. Yet when we are willing to cross pollinate, be open the best things in humanity have happened. Like the Buddhist say the only thing that is permanent is impermanence.

The rigidity of the rock is only conquered by the fluidity of water.
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