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 TOaks91360
Joined: 11/22/2013
Msg: 51
If you could ask your Ex one Question...Page 3 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Do you miss the joint bank account?
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 52
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If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 12/30/2013 7:15:08 PM
It's bad enough what kids have to live through because of their parents, but they are also kids so they may have a very warped view of what went down. It's child abuse to bash their other parent to them, but even if you don't they still may get the wrong idea. My youngest is in her 30's and it was just a couple of years ago that I found out she thought I had refused her father's attempts to see her while she was growing up. She hated me for it and was searching for him online. The truth is, I never stopped him from seeing his children, wouldn't have thought to do that, not my style at all. I was hurt that he didn't want to see them, hurt that he never tried, didn't care and didn't pay any support, nothing, not so much as a birthday card, nothing, just like he fell off the face of the Earth. But in her head, she just knew he'd tired and I was blocking it. So sad that she was seething at me for it, not talking to me about it, and thinking her poor daddy was out there missing her. Then is was a million times sadder for her to find out that he's never once tried. Sometimes it might be better to think you mom is a **** than to find out your father couldn't care less if you were breathing or not.

So she had this idea that she thought she remembered things that happened, when they never happened and it mess her up pretty badly. You never know how far off your children might be viewing the situation. It's much easier, too, to hate the parent who is there, who you know won't leave you, than to hate the one who did leave you and have to deal with that. Add in teenage hormones and crazy thoughts that are just normal in kids, and you can imagine the hell many children are going through while parents fight it out. My daughter wasn't born yet when her dad left, she's never met him, he just walked out and never looked back when I was 7 months pregnant and we also had a 2 year old son. My son use to sit on the porch and wait for his daddy to show up, he'd always shown our son a lot of attention, then poof, he was gone. How do adults expect kids to just deal with that? I didn't spend my time bashing him, but maybe I should have spent more time finding out what my kids were thinking.
 razors_edge55
Joined: 11/25/2013
Msg: 53
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If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 12/31/2013 6:19:04 AM
Was your pleasure Worth my pain?
 Dobermonster
Joined: 5/12/2010
Msg: 54
If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 12/31/2013 6:36:45 AM
"Could you please leave?"

Seriously though, I have no desire to engage with my ex in any form of conversation. I'd hope to be pleasantly indifferent.
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 10/8/2013
Msg: 55
If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 12/31/2013 7:00:43 AM
Dobermonster, yes! Pleasantly indifferent is the way to go!
 Irish Eyez
Joined: 12/30/2008
Msg: 56
If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 12/31/2013 7:29:07 AM
"Oh, sorry, did I not kick your weekend bag of shite ( Razor, jeans, shirts etc., ) far enough across my front lawn?"
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 57
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If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 12/31/2013 8:13:55 AM
My middle finger is all she needs to see. No questions needed.
 phule
Joined: 4/8/2004
Msg: 58
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If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 12/31/2013 11:58:18 AM
Thought exercises can be fun, entertaining, and/or learning experiences. We get to imagine a scenario and then play it out to try to figure what the outcome would be... and then gain some insight from spending time in the Imaginatorium.

This whole concept, OP, is NOT a thought exercise.

Past relationships often never get a complete sense of closure because both parties do not agree that the break-up should happen when it is actually happening. You would also be accurate to say that past arguments do not end with a satisfactory compromise and sense of closure... and the reason would be because it is an argument and both sides rarely get what they want out of the encounter. Most break-ups are one sided. Most break-ups occur because one party decides it is over for whatever reason, and they then need to dissolve the relationship in order to get on with their life. This inevitably leaves the other party out in the cold, wondering why it ended, what they could or should have done differently, etc. OF COURSE that person would want to know more details. They want to know them, so they can use them to attempt to alter the outcome. It isn't for peace of mind, no matter what people will say.

In your case, you can't even be completely honest with what you want to know... and part of that is because you don't even realize what you really want to know.

The only burning question I can think of is asking how her finances fell apart so quickly, because the divorce house went into foreclosure about three years after the breakup. It affected my credit and still does now. As far as I knew she was a pretty stable person when it came to extravagance, so I'm not sure what happened.

What does it matter why her finances fell apart so quickly? People change. You two are no longer a couple, and you are not supposed to be influencing each other's lives, since you haven't agreed to stay close and influential. The REAL question you want an answer to is...

How could she be such an inconsiderate sh!t and damage your credit like that? You aren't even married any more and she is still able to reach out and damage a part of your life. Why can't she take that into consideration?

... because other than that detail, what she does with her life and her money is her business. Just like what she does with her time, who she hangs around with, etc. All of that other stuff you say you have no interest in... all of that is really no different from what she does with her money. EXCEPT in how her actions affect you. In this particular case, they do in point of fact affect you. Thus, you want to know what the deal is. You'd like to have the most information possible to build the most complete picture possible, but the hard truth is that you really just want to know why she couldn't have realized she was still fscking with you and your credit by living the way she is.

Unless you are going to disagree with me, and point out that you don't care about the credit and you just want to know what happened... in which case you would be backhandedly admitting that you still care about her, and you still want to help her and make decisions in her life, which is why you'd want to know the details of her financial life so you can assist her through advice in getting her crap back together... which is really just a way of re-creating the relationship again.

At any rate...

If in order to get to the truth you have to create a fantasy realm that would never exist... then you are simply wasting your time and searching in desperation for some set of circumstances that would enable you to get what you want. Seriously? Magically give a brutally honest answer? You've given up on any way you'd get honesty in the real world, so you've given up on being able to actually ask them questions. You know your own personal desires would cloud your judgement, so you can't trust your ability to read this individual and see the truth in their answers regardless of what lies they might tell. Hell in your magical world, only YOU get the truth. That's pretty telling in and of itself.

Look. If there is anything you'd like to ask your Ex in some Golden Lasso based world, then you REALLY need to admit you have not moved on... and you need to take that knowledge to a therapist and actually begin the process of moving on. Answers to these hypothetical questions you'd want to ask will only prolong the discomfort you are experiencing.
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 59
If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 12/31/2013 12:28:39 PM
Phule said "Look. If there is anything you'd like to ask your Ex in some Golden Lasso based world, then you REALLY need to admit you have not moved on... and you need to take that knowledge to a therapist and actually begin the process of moving on. Answers to these hypothetical questions you'd want to ask will only prolong the discomfort you are experiencing".

Now I know some posters have just posted "funny" answers that are meant to be funny but the above is true, if you really have to ask and are serious, you have not processed the past to move on.
 naysaying_knicktwist
Joined: 11/19/2009
Msg: 60
If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 12/31/2013 12:51:28 PM
Phule

This whole concept, OP, is NOT a thought exercise.


Agreed. OP's post is 'my ex hurt my credit,' but it's couched in 'let's have a discussion about closure.'
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 61
If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 12/31/2013 12:59:49 PM
Phule; Dude, are you going to play along and answer the question?
Or are you having too much fun sadistically playing with that dentists' drill?

It IS a thought exercise. I posed the question for OTHERS to reply. I gave an example of what comes to mind when I think about my former marriage. I didn't ask them to evaluate my answer - I asked for THEIR own ideas. What you're totally hung up on is the idea that I NEED a reply - that I NEED an answer. I don't.

Here's a News Flash - People that still retain a memory of someone will ALWAYS have lingering questions or feelings about them. ALWAYS. It doesn't go away. No matter how much booze people consume or how many things they've done to distance their new lives from the old, the memories STILL remain. So unless you've had a bad concussion or a partial lobotomy done to remove that hunk of memory - it's ALWAYS going to be there. We all learn to move on, adapt and change. It's not rocket science, and it doesn't require therapy to figure that out. Caring about the welfare of fellow human beings doesn't mean we're emotionally crushed because we DON'T know. If that was true, we'd all be crying our eyes out every time Alyssa Milano and the starving Unicef children with the puppy-dog eyes commercial comes on TV begging us for money.

I seriously wonder about some of you people demanding 'therapy' for anyone who remotely mentions anything about their Ex. What issues do YOU still have smoldering under the boiler downstairs? How much 'dismissal' of an Ex needs to happen by your date before YOU can be happy? Does every single photograph, video, birth records, tax records, old check blanks, newspaper articles, half empty bottles of perfume, old socks being used as rags, and any kitchen device given as a wedding present -- need to be completely destroyed and erased from history before YOU will be convinced someone is 'done'?

You're trying to make a point that people who answer this thought exercise with an emotional response have issues, but what I see is several paragraphs from someone who is actually fearful of finding out their own 'question' and putting it out for the public to read.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 62
If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 12/31/2013 2:12:05 PM

People that still retain a memory of someone will ALWAYS have lingering questions or feelings about them. ALWAYS. It doesn't go away


Oh, I highly disagree. There came a point after my breakup that I actually had to shut the thinking/questioning right down to nothing. If I didn't???? I would be a lot more phucked up than I actually am. If you actually "have" these "lingering" questions/feelings of which you speak, how can you in good conscience involve another without those answers of those lingering thoughts???? Not only are you not being true to yourself, you're not being true to that other.

Come to think of OP, you are starting to sound like another young lady that I once had in my life a few years ago. She decided to show up, out of the blue a couple months ago. I haven't seen or heard from her in over 3 years. She now wants to "know" "why" I didn't do some things(chase after her) and why I just turned and eliminated her out of my life. I asked her to "think" back and remember. No need to "question", the answers are ALL there.
 or_current_resident
Joined: 6/3/2013
Msg: 63
If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 12/31/2013 2:12:59 PM

'can i have my $13,000 back?'


No, but you can have all of my old stamp book collection in lieu……
 phule
Joined: 4/8/2004
Msg: 64
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If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 12/31/2013 10:28:36 PM

It IS a thought exercise. I posed the question for OTHERS to reply.

No, it is not. If it was, you would be able to take away from it a logical answer and solution. An example of a thought exercise would be something like "What if I robbed a bank to pay my bills?" Thinking that through, and considering all the possible data concerning it would result (in most cases) a person coming to the conclusion that you would not get enough money from the job to pay all the bills, you would become a criminal, and you would likely get caught and/or killed. Sure... there are some people who asked themselves that question and came up with a different answer, and the prisons are holding a number of them right now.

However, asking yourself or others "What is a question I'd like to ask my Ex?" cannot result in a logical answer or satisfactory conclusion... simply because the although you might come up with a few questions, you can't actually get answers for them. All they will do is prolong the process of getting on with your life without your Ex. You have to think about your Ex, and think about the things you were left without knowing, and then why you were left without knowing them, and what you would have to do to get answers to them... and then how you deserve to know the answers to those questions... ad infinitum. It's not a thought exercise. It is an exercise in futility.

As to attempting to discern whether or not I have unresolved issues with my Ex's... all you can learn from what I've posted is the fact that I've learned that it is pointless to look backward like that. It serves no purpose. You spend time looking backward like that and you miss what is in front of you. The point of looking to the past is to learn from your mistakes, and move forward... except there is nothing to learn daydreaming about interrogating an Ex, except that you shouldn't bother daydreaming about it.

You said you posted this so others could answer it... yet you had no problem posting your own question that you'd like an answer to. That says that you HAVE been thinking about it, and you not only wanted to talk about it, but you wanted to see who else was thinking the way you were.


I seriously wonder about some of you people demanding 'therapy' for anyone who remotely mentions anything about their Ex.

Why? What is it about therapy that scares you so much? You just don't like that hokum? What you started here, with this thread, was a kind of therapy whether or not you choose to see it. Therapy is simply talking with a neutral party about what is bothering you, and getting helpful advice on healthy ways to get past it. Most of us could benefit with a session or twelve with a therapist... especially if we have unanswered questions we'd like to ask our Ex's that we have no chance of getting answers to. If we feel the need to air our troubles in a public forum, then we are indeed seeking therapy of one form or another. Since you saw the need to start the thread, and then later on add your own personal view on the question, you too were seeking therapy. You don't want to admit it, and my saying so will just make you mad... but that doesn't change the truth of it.


Here's a News Flash - People that still retain a memory of someone will ALWAYS have lingering questions or feelings about them. ALWAYS. It doesn't go away.

Your premise is flawed. Questions do not equate to feelings. People that still retain a memory of someone may indeed have lingering feelings, but that does NOT mean they will also have lingering questions. Some will, some won't. Most however, realize that even if they do, they will never get satisfactory answers, so delving into those questions is just opening up old wounds. No, that is not some underhanded way of admitting that I have old wounds I do not want reopened. That is simply a way of acknowledging that most people don't want their old wounds opened.

Now, if you want to equate the unanswered questions to a piece of shrapnel in an old wound, thus having a good reason for reopening it... that's what therapy is for... and successful therapy means being honest to the point of hurting yourself.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 65
If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 1/1/2014 6:24:25 AM

...ALWAYS have lingering questions or feelings about them...


Your premise is flawed. Questions do not equate to feelings.

I said questions OR feelings. "OR" I never said questions equal feelings.


No, that is not some underhanded way of admitting that I have old wounds I do not want reopened. That is simply a way of acknowledging that most people don't want their old wounds opened.

Of course it is. You're just rambling on for several paragraphs for the 'defense' of everyone else, right?
If people don't want their 'old wounds' opened in a simple forum thread like this, they simply don't reply.

So where is YOUR answer (in the form of a question)? Gawd, you must actually be TERRIFIED to say it lest you be judged.
 Doremi_Fasolatido
Joined: 2/14/2009
Msg: 66
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If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 1/1/2014 9:17:09 AM
I would ask.... Are you OK?

My ex has been my ex for 17 yrs. now. I have always remained civil with her. Recently, she has encountered some setbacks.... Aging parent [my ex mother in law] moving in and her Dad in a nursing home. I got along well with my in laws and I would like to see them... Happy.

So, I'd ask her if she was OK. In fact, I did just that. I even offered to help her if she needed it. She is still a good person, the Mom of my children too.

Other than that, I have no questions about her. She has her life and I have mine, and never the twain shall meet...
 raxarsr
Joined: 7/10/2008
Msg: 67
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If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 1/1/2014 9:21:19 AM
i would ask her why she lied to me.........i mean the constant lies...about everything

aside from that..........i have or feel nothing for her
 lookinfouryoutoo
Joined: 7/31/2012
Msg: 68
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If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 1/1/2014 10:17:41 AM

i would ask her why she lied to me.........i mean the constant lies...about everything

aside from that..........i have or feel nothing for her


These types of questions are pointless. People lie because they are liars. Like they say, the simplest answer is usually the right one. In the case of people, I almost always go with that one. Liars lie, cheaters cheat, ect. To try and look into this sort of thing any further is an exercise in futility.
 cotter
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 69
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If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 1/1/2014 11:03:34 AM

Liars lie, cheaters cheat, ect.
Yup, that really sums it up.

When I ended my marriage after almost 22 years, it wouldn't have mattered what I would have asked him ... he just has never been a friend of the real truth.

If he had asked me, I would have been truthful but he was always in total denial of ever having any ownership of any situation that came close to failure. He was one of those types that if anything goes wrong, it's never his fault.

When I tried to talk to him about how I never felt that it was totally his fault or mine ... basically that we both contributed to the breakdown of our relationship he yelled at me and said ... "You're the one that changed, I didn't." So I said, "Well thank goodness I did!" So I explained why I felt that way.

I told him that when we first married, it was just us two ... but in the meantime we've had four additions to the family and along the way if we wouldn't have changed, it would be sad. Bottom line ... in the end, he never accepted that and in his mind, it was all my fault.

Whatever ...
 phule
Joined: 4/8/2004
Msg: 70
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If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 1/1/2014 12:03:59 PM

Of course it is. You're just rambling on for several paragraphs for the 'defense' of everyone else, right?
If people don't want their 'old wounds' opened in a simple forum thread like this, they simply don't reply.

Except that isn't exactly what happened, is it? There were far more people who made a joke of this thread, or stated they wouldn't reopen communication... than there were that actually gave you an honest answer to your question.

Look. What I find amusing is how angry you seem at me for my explaining how your premise is an exercise in futility. It is sad as well that you decide to get insulting and speak to me harshly since I feel that your attempt to quietly bring your personal frustrations to public view shouldn't be couched in such fluff. If you want to complain about how your EX is ruining your credit... then complain about it. You have that right, and it is fine. You don't have to attempt to drag others into some fantasy world... literally... and then get all defensive when the whole mess is called out on what it is.

I'm not rambling on in defense of anyone. I'm pointing out the truth. This topic is all about flagellating yourself in public. The hypothetical questions people would ask their EX that they KNOW they cannot get an answer to, tell us all about the person ASKING the question, not about the person they are intended for. Wasting time asking yourself "What If" questions like this is no different than wallowing in regret. You want to advocate that people spend their time regretting the things they never asked, or tried to find out? You want to advocate that people spend time regretting how they didn't create the relationship necessary to get the honest answers they deserved? You go right ahead and continue to advocate it. And I'll be here pointing out how that is what you are actually doing.

Where is MY answer? I don't have any questions left unanswered for any of my EXs. When I had them, I asked them, and whether I was told the truth or I was lied to, I was still given an answer. I never avoided asking the questions I wanted answers to... and I never wasted time on pointless interrogations. I don't waste time on thinking up questions for the Prime Minister of England, because I'll never be asking the PM anything. I won't be meeting the Head of HSBC , so I'm not dreaming up questions for him regardless of how I feel about them getting away with knowingly laundering billions of dollars of drug money. You want to claim these examples are different because of an emotional attachment? Go ahead and make that claim... that doesn't make it a correct one though.

You knew when you opened the thread that you were asking about questions that would NEVER be asked or answered, because you had to add the premise of some non-existent, magical world where you might get an answer. So, you were asking people to come up with very personal questions that still bothered them, and air that in public. It was all a front for putting your own question out there... and I say it like that because you DID NOT START THE THREAD OFF WITH YOUR QUESTION! Instead of posing the concept for the therapy session, and starting it off with the question you'd like to ask... you had to wait for OTHERS to go first before you partook of your own suggestion. That is also quite telling.

- You have unanswered questions you feel a NEED to hold on to, regarding your EX and past relationship.
- You get defensive when challenged on this idea.
- You have a negative view of therapy and anyone who suggests it.
- You fear being the first to open up on a topic you suggest.

I'm sorry. You are the one with a host of issues that need to be dealt with. And because you are attempting to redirect this back at me, and DEFLECT the attention from you at every opportunity, I believe it is quite clear that you are aware of the fact that you have issues and you are embarrassed by them.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 71
If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 1/2/2014 5:23:51 AM
Im in the camp where, once you feel healed from the hurt of a breakup, you really have no desire to ask that person any question. They no longer have any 'power' over you, so any answer they give at that point is meaningless to the one asking.

I only 'needed' closure while I was still hurting. It was more about wanting to feel like that chapter had ended and needing some tangible conversation to happen that would magically transform me to be 'ready' to try at the love thing once again. Of course, no question/answer period was going to heal my heart any faster.....it heals when it heals. But in those days I was convinced getting closure was going to help. I asked my questions, got my answers and I can tell you, the next day my heart was just as heavy and sad as it had been the day before. I had deluded myself into thinking 'closure' was what I needed. I just needed time alone (romantically) to heal.

I prefer to focus on why thier bahaviour hurt ME. Why did I allow it to happen? Why did I go back for more? All because I loved too much (him)...or because I loved not enough (my own self)??

As I age I learned that it is more important to 'know thyself', than anyone else. If you know yourself well, you will make good choices for yourself. This is where the real questions need to be asked-from and for yourself!

My feelings are mine and I am accountable for them and how they make me want to act. Bottom line. People will hurt my feelings from time to time and choose to do things I would not choose to do- and as Mr Marley said, it's all about choosing the ones worth the pain.
 Crystal_Planet
Joined: 10/30/2013
Msg: 72
If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 1/2/2014 6:21:32 AM
^^^I agree with femaleconnection. All of it. But even when I was at my lowest point after a breakup, I realized I wasn't looking for closure at all, but something to make me feel better or even superior in a way. For her to acknowledge that all the bad things in the relationship and subsequent breakup were all her fault, and that I was nothing but a model partner the entire way through.

After even a minimum healing, I had no interest in asking my ex questions. Upon looking back, the answers of why were there all along.
 Ladyinred4755
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 73
If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 1/2/2014 7:38:02 AM
To femaleconnection, AND Crystal Planet. VERY WELL said, AND I agree 100%. Thank you!
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 74
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If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 1/2/2014 10:38:56 AM

I wish it weren't true, but hating me is more important to him than loving them.


Profound


If we feel the need to air our troubles in a public forum, then we are indeed seeking therapy of one form or another. Since you saw the need to start the thread, and then later on add your own personal view on the question, you too were seeking therapy.


OR - he participated in and read a thread (since deleted) about regulars and the health of the forums (a day prior to this post) and decided to step up and post a question. The typical response to why people don't post more was that they have no good questions. I thought this was a pretty good question and of course any question is going to provoke self examination.

Thanks for contributing something for all of us to read, respond to and think about.

There was a period when I declined to say anything negative about my daughter's Dad, to the expense of my daughter thinking I was cold hearted and denied her the traditional family that would have been ideal, until she was old enough to understand some gentle hints as to why we didn't stay together. If nothing else, this thread was valuable to me to hear another say they made that choice too. Confirmation on unselfish parenting. Nice.

I would definitely want to asks my x why if they lost the marital home (especially if kids lived there) and messed up my credit. It might be prelude to an accusation or irritation you need to express, but still, you are talking long term effects in your own interest and the interest of the children. At least something as simple as "I couldn't keep it up financially" or "I blew it all in Vegas" would be nice to know. Not that you can do anything about it, but still, that's a biggie.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 75
If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 1/2/2014 1:43:12 PM
If someone doesn't want to be with you, that to me eliminates the need for questions. That's really all you need to know. If you make it a requirement that you don't bother with people who don't want you - it's all pretty simple.
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