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 Ladyinred4755
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 73
If you could ask your Ex one Question...Page 4 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
To femaleconnection, AND Crystal Planet. VERY WELL said, AND I agree 100%. Thank you!
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 74
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History
If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 1/2/2014 10:38:56 AM

I wish it weren't true, but hating me is more important to him than loving them.


Profound


If we feel the need to air our troubles in a public forum, then we are indeed seeking therapy of one form or another. Since you saw the need to start the thread, and then later on add your own personal view on the question, you too were seeking therapy.


OR - he participated in and read a thread (since deleted) about regulars and the health of the forums (a day prior to this post) and decided to step up and post a question. The typical response to why people don't post more was that they have no good questions. I thought this was a pretty good question and of course any question is going to provoke self examination.

Thanks for contributing something for all of us to read, respond to and think about.

There was a period when I declined to say anything negative about my daughter's Dad, to the expense of my daughter thinking I was cold hearted and denied her the traditional family that would have been ideal, until she was old enough to understand some gentle hints as to why we didn't stay together. If nothing else, this thread was valuable to me to hear another say they made that choice too. Confirmation on unselfish parenting. Nice.

I would definitely want to asks my x why if they lost the marital home (especially if kids lived there) and messed up my credit. It might be prelude to an accusation or irritation you need to express, but still, you are talking long term effects in your own interest and the interest of the children. At least something as simple as "I couldn't keep it up financially" or "I blew it all in Vegas" would be nice to know. Not that you can do anything about it, but still, that's a biggie.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 75
If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 1/2/2014 1:43:12 PM
If someone doesn't want to be with you, that to me eliminates the need for questions. That's really all you need to know. If you make it a requirement that you don't bother with people who don't want you - it's all pretty simple.
 or_current_resident
Joined: 6/3/2013
Msg: 76
If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 1/2/2014 3:47:14 PM
Message:
If someone doesn't want to be with you, that to me eliminates the need for questions. That's really all you need to know. If you make it a requirement that you don't bother with people who don't want you - it's all pretty simple.


Pretty simple I think not for me…as …..imo as I was only married once, a 20 year relationship to boot…as we lived together first, for quite some time …... before being official being married & having a family….core values etc were similar … and individual goals agree in goals…..

imo, I have no questions that needed to be asked, as it was a good run, 2 successful children, & a wonderful family network…. thats lives & lives on……such is it's core family, the community that binds it together, as the village does raise a person a child, a family & life….jmo

imo, if u need to ask,,,,imo u need to ask yourself first why…….jmo cheers
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 77
If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 1/2/2014 5:42:27 PM

I can see it being simple if the person involved is someone you have little invested in. How about if you have 30 years of building a life and family together and shared goals and plans were happening left and right and then suddenly someone pulls the plug? Is it simple then? I'd been retired a year or two ago but now retirement thoughts are a joke. This kind of impact doesn't deserve and hasn't earned an explanation? At what point does the leaver earn the right to ruin another's life's work without the decency to at least try to explain their thought process? It's not simple at all, not even close.


Not all "breakups" are "simple". Long term ones, even harder to "accept" the breakup/split. But, is that the question here??? No, what the question here is, what would you ask your Ex NOW "after" it's all over with, and you, being on a dating site looking for another? ( I added that last part, to try to point out what some are saying here). If the questions (and the need to ask them) are still in your head, then there is some "unresolved issues", and in my opinion, should be fixed before even thinking of inviting another into your life. If not, these issues will arise in the future.

Now, if I read the words typed that I quoted, I would stay as far away from that person as possible. Not picking on the writer, cause it's the way he "feels", still. But, it is a very good example of what we are speaking of here.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 78
If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 1/2/2014 9:32:36 PM

I can see it being simple if the person involved is someone you have little invested in. How about if you have 30 years of building a life and family together and shared goals and plans were happening left and right and then suddenly someone pulls the plug? Is it simple then?

I was talking more about LTRs and short marriages. I agree that the financial and related details are complicated - but yes at the end of the day someone who decides to do something like that to you is just not someone you need to figure out.

I'd been retired a year or two ago but now retirement thoughts are a joke. This kind of impact doesn't deserve and hasn't earned an explanation?

What explanation would make things better?

At what point does the leaver earn the right to ruin another's life's work without the decency to at least try to explain their thought process?

In no way am I saying anyone has a right to do anything like that - what I am saying is that once someone does something like that, there's no answer that's going to make it better. It's better to just cut ties as much as you can and move on. Time is valuable...why waste it on someone who in the end isn't for you?

It's not simple at all, not even close. Most any catastrophic life event can be eased with the proper coverage of insurance. Ever heard of divorce insurance? Me either.

The premise of it is simple. Again, I wasn't talking about 30 years per se. For me divorce insurance is avoiding the marriage/drawing up a contract or prenup if you absolutely have to do it - but that's just me.

And how do you NOT bother with someone you see three times a week at grandchildren's events, especially when I usually sit with my ex father-in-law, which usually brings her into the vicinity as well. Dream on.

Learn to tune it out. How long have you been divorced? Was it recently?

I just don't buy into modern day psychology, at all. The premise that we need to make ourselves happy and not look or expect happiness to be generated by another.

We live healthier less stressful lives if we don't allow others to determine our happiness or lack of it. Sure you can depend on another to make you happy - but why trust them with your well being? Some won't make decisions that are good for you.

Why are people always smiling in their wedding pictures? Is the act of marriage making them happy?

Why do people smile in ANY picture? Wedding pictures are no exception.

I suppose you could argue, happier. Either way, others DO and CAN either make us happy, or 'happier' if we want to cut hairs.

I'll take "happier" as a better way to put it.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 79
If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 1/2/2014 10:23:25 PM
If you could ask your Ex just ONE question, and they'd magically have to give a brutally honest answer, what question would that be?


If the questions (and the need to ask them) are still in your head, then there is some "unresolved issues", and in my opinion, should be fixed before even thinking of inviting another into your life. If not, these issues will arise in the future.


The 'need' to ask those questions is the 'issues' part of the conversation, right?
People can have questions - even totally ridiculous, nonsensical ones - still rolling around in their head at any given day or time of the week. It does NOT mean they have a compulsion, a NEED to answer them - a burning gap in their soul that's going to damage themselves and anyone around them for decades - a DEAR LORD I GOTTA KNOW question... It COULD be as goofy as "Why did you dye your hair red?"

What I'm amazed at in these replies is the extreme degree of verbalized SELF-examination/evaluation going on here. A quick question could probably be built from a 15 second evaluation of what you know about your Ex and what you'd like to know, yet many would rather avoid the whole concept completely. Some may have been so deeply hurt by what happened that they've tried their damndest to bury feelings over years and several therapy sessions. They don't want to know anything because they don't what to know what THAT hurt is like ever, EVER again.

To those wounded souls who don't what the pot stirred, I apologize if I started something. I was told (and always assumed) if you could talk openly about something, then it wasn't a "Problem", yet several are in here NOT just giving long non-answers, but apparently also going through some serious self-examination and even a few stages of grieving at the same time.

I don't think having ANY question in your head means unresolved issues - on the contrary, I think it means you're doing a good job of situational and self-examination, which is valuable. I think having a question with a burning NEED to get an answer - an emotional 'loose end' that's flapping in the wind - THOSE are the kind that needs a bit of discipline to deal with.

As far as my burning 'Issue' with my bad credit, I'm fixing it myself by changing careers a year ago and trying a freelance job on the side for some additional income. How or why the ex became a financial train wreck really doesn't matter beyond a passing curiosity, because whatever damage she may have done, is already done, and isn't going to be repaired by anyone else -- unless one of you wonderful, generous souls out there just happen to have a winning lottery ticket!
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 80
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If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 1/3/2014 5:01:33 PM

Sure you can depend on another to make you happy - but why trust them with your well being? Some won't make decisions that are good for you.


You trust them because you haven't learned not to trust. Blessed are those (IMO) who grow old and die still believing in the goodness of people and trusting them, because they didn't learn not to, or chose to not generalize.

When I start loosing my faith because of a few, I acknowledge what I see is good, even say it sometimes. Today I saw some guy standing out in the freezing cold (single digits) helping direct traffic for a just-happened minor accident so we all didn't have to wait in line or another accident happen from cars coming around a corner. I simply said to the person in my car "People are good." That's all, sometimes you have to reinforce it to yourself when you notice it. He didn't even have a hat or gloves.

All learning begins with "why".

I think all developmental theorists are heavy on social interaction and it's affect on self being a primary factor in all stages of development. Are there any psychology theories that don't include the interplay of self and society/family? Even cognitive theory which is based on what you think, has been heavily influenced by others. We don't and can't exist alone. In being able to cut off from society (or feelings or people) you are, IMO, cutting off nourishment to your own self. Of course, if the connections are harming self then that's not good.

Kinda common sense stuff, so sorry if I'm just repeating what's been said.
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 81
If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 1/3/2014 5:04:30 PM
I don't need to ask any woman in my past any "questions". Geeze louise! Wait, I would like to ask my ex how she made Kahlua! Damn that was good! Other then that, I will not reminisce on the past and save questions in my brain to new women I talk to and meet!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 82
If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 1/3/2014 9:55:04 PM

This reminds me of a very similar comment made by a woman, "“With all due respect, the fact is we had four dead Americans. Was it because of a protest or was it because of guys out for a walk one night decided to go kill some Americans? What difference at this point does it make?” I have to assume you're in agreement with her logic, several aren't.

I am not in agreement with the logic that this example is equivalent to a failed relationship. I find murder to be a bit more of a priority honestly.

That same woman went on to say, "“It is our job to figure out what happened and do everything we can to prevent it from ever happening again.” I doubt this can be accomplished without some questions answered, but then as others have pointed out in this thread, an ex could just lie away at the answers as well.

Outside of wanting to know what I didn't see coming - I can improve myself all day based on the last person I dated, and it won't make the next person any less of a crapshoot. What the last person might have preferred, the next person may find annoying. Of course we should generally try to learn from experience - but someone who leaves us may not have left because of something we could control. Perhaps they were looking out for themselves, unless it's something we did that they tried to tell us 50 times and we didn't care to work on - in that case we know what happened even if we don't want to admit it.

You are being facetious here are you not? Sayings like, "That was, or (was one of), the happiest day(s) of my life" certainly does not entail every smiling picture you see.

Most smiling pictures don't have captions like "I wanted to cancel the wedding but I had already spent the money/I didn't want to send the guests home" - yet I know a lot of people who were in that situation didn't NOT smile. Using people who smile in pictures with an SO is not proof that the person they are with is making them happy (or happier). And no, I'm not being facetious.

I'd bet dollars to donuts if enough people were removed from your life you would eventually become unhappy. With each straw, the camel's back would eventually break. Donne was no fool when he stated, "No man is an island entire of itself." Maslow's hierarchy even list social needs lower than self actualization. Think as you may, but if you're there, you didn't get there by yourself.

Yes, if I were isolated from humanity I would likely not be happy. I'm not sure what that has to do with being happy whether or not you are in a relationship. Unless you are comparing being single with isolation from everyone, and in that case it's not nearly the same thing. My point isn't that you can be sufficient without any other living thing - my point is that you don't have to be part of a couple to be happy. I'm not a fan of Maslow, so I won't bother responding to that part.

While there is so much study being done and written on the topic of 'unresolved issues' and the negative connotation that comes with it I find it rather dubious of those who lay claim to have loved someone enough to marry them at one time and now will have nothing to do with them or care about them in the least. I think the wrong group is being told to seek counseling unless their ex was a Jekyll and Hyde candidate, then I could understand the mistaken love, else that person doesn't or hasn't the capacity of love in its purest sense and I'd choose to run from them. Just one more silly love song isn't my cup of tea.

In most cases, the person either fell out of love/didn't know what love was, or didn't love their spouse in the first place. I do believe that people who marry young change and in a lot of cases aren't the same people after 10 or 20 years - something we all go through but those of us who go through it single can end a relationship that isn't what we thought we wanted without a lot of damage. What do you do if you marry young and your interests change despite trying to stay but your partner's do not? If you don't want to be there is that fair to the person you married? Should the other person want their spouse to stay with them anyway? I'm just using this as an example. What if one person doesn't want to be there but there are kids...if they stay for the kids how long do they do it? There's no point where it'll be OK to make an exit. Leaving right away will cause problems, waiting 10 years will cause problems.

You trust them because you haven't learned not to trust. Blessed are those (IMO) who grow old and die still believing in the goodness of people and trusting them, because they didn't learn not to, or chose to not generalize.

I can't blindly trust - I can give someone a chance and be cautiously optimistic but that's about it. Are you saying that if you get hurt in a relationship you should enter the same type of relationship again and again with the same trust you had the first time? I know many people who've been married and divorced who won't do it again because of the divorce. Should they instead just get married again with no reservations? My question was why trust another with YOUR well being? Other things, sure - but your well being is on you. Perhaps others will do things that are good for you - but some won't. We all have people in our lives that we've known years and implicitly trust. It's not a bad idea to get to know someone a long time before you trust like that. I'm not saying never trust anyone, I'm saying use your head.

I think all developmental theorists are heavy on social interaction and it's affect on self being a primary factor in all stages of development. Are there any psychology theories that don't include the interplay of self and society/family? Even cognitive theory which is based on what you think, has been heavily influenced by others. We don't and can't exist alone. In being able to cut off from society (or feelings or people) you are, IMO, cutting off nourishment to your own self. Of course, if the connections are harming self then that's not good.

Kinda common sense stuff, so sorry if I'm just repeating what's been said.

You are, no worries. But I am not saying you should go sit in solitary confinement somewhere or remove all people from your life. I was speaking in the context of romantic relationships. You don't need to be in one to be happy. Being able to be content single is a good thing - it keeps you from compromising to avoid being single.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 6/25/2013
Msg: 83
If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 1/4/2014 9:11:52 AM

I'd been retired a year or two ago but now retirement thoughts are a joke. This kind of impact doesn't deserve and hasn't earned an explanation?


(WIP) What explanation would make things better?


You mistakenly think that the *ONLY* reason to ask for an explanation is to "make things better". Humans have a very real need to understand WHY things have happened, particularly bad things.



At what point does the leaver earn the right to ruin another's life's work without the decency to at least try to explain their thought process?


In no way am I saying anyone has a right to do anything like that - what I am saying is that once someone does something like that, there's no answer that's going to make it better.


How about, it might make the person asking the question feel better? That's reason enough.



And how do you NOT bother with someone you see three times a week at grandchildren's events, especially when I usually sit with my ex father-in-law, which usually brings her into the vicinity as well. Dream on.


Learn to tune it out.





How long have you been divorced? Was it recently?


How can that possibly make a difference? Your entire tone indicates that you think people should turn off their feelings IMMEDIATELY after a life-ruining event, so 1 day or 1 year or 10 years should make no difference...



I just don't buy into modern day psychology, at all. The premise that we need to make ourselves happy and not look or expect happiness to be generated by another.


We live healthier less stressful lives if we don't allow others to determine our happiness or lack of it.


We also lead happier less stressful lives with a 10-million dollar a year income... try basing your answers in *REALITY*, rather than what you obviously think is a "tough-love" approach...
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 84
If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 1/4/2014 9:44:12 AM

You mistakenly think that the *ONLY* reason to ask for an explanation is to "make things better". Humans have a very real need to understand WHY things have happened, particularly bad things.

People want information like this for some reason...it's usually not for the sake of it. There's nothing they can learn about someone not wanting them (or wanting them anymore) that will do them any good beyond knowing they're not wanted. As I said earlier - unless an SO or spouse has been unhappy with them for a long time and let them know why and they haven't cared to respond to it - in which case there's nothing to find out.

How about, it might make the person asking the question feel better? That's reason enough.

I must be the only person on earth who's never gotten any information I wanted to hear asking that question in my youth when I've been broken up with, etc. I have found out more than I wanted to know about something I had no control over anyway. And after a few breakups I realized that it was eventually for the best that it happened in hindsight - so I see it differently now. Again, it's probably just me.

How can that possibly make a difference? Your entire tone indicates that you think people should turn off their feelings IMMEDIATELY after a life-ruining event, so 1 day or 1 year or 10 years should make no difference...

That was a question, not a tone - you take from it what you want. I asked because it sounds recent and I was curious. I'll let the person I asked answer that. Thanks!

We also lead happier less stressful lives with a 10-million dollar a year income... try basing your answers in *REALITY*, rather than what you obviously think is a "tough-love" approach...

If you can't "realistically" avoid letting someone else determine your worth, and you tend to let rejection define who you are, that's your problem. It is possible for a person to function with some contentment despite someone not wanting to date or be married to them if that's what they want. It's much more realistic than making 10 mil a year - and I'm sure you know this.

It's possible to be happy regardless of your dating situation and/or marital status. To a good degree the way you feel about your relationships is based on your mindset of what they represent. If it's not something you have interest in, then it doesn't apply to you and that's fine. Regardless, enjoy your 2014.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 85
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History
If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 1/4/2014 10:03:05 AM

You trust them because you haven't learned not to trust. Blessed are those (IMO) who grow old and die still believing in the goodness of people and trusting them, because they didn't learn not to, or chose to not generalize.



Are you saying that if you get hurt in a relationship you should enter the same type of relationship again and again with the same trust you had the first time?



Naw, I'm saying the less you "learn" about the darker sides of life, and the less sever those lessons are, the better off you are.

Not everyone looses their ability to trust at the same times to the same degrees. Five years ago I would have entered a relationship with almost complete trust, even after 3 LTRs (years). I managed to get to 40 without learning otherwise. Some people never have to learn that. There are a few out there that are safe, perhaps just hard to find and recognize. Choose well who you choose to go to that level with, but, I think it's possible, no matter how much you yourself have been "burned", to find someone who hasn't and/or who you can trust/be trustworthy.

There are plenty who married their first / second girl friends and were married 20, 30 years or a lifetime. They don't know of all this ugly you find here on these boards as far as dating. I dated someone like that, and I felt it was NOT my place to shatter that innocence. I went out of my way to "treat him with kids' gloves" to hopefully preserve his innocence for whoever was lucky enough to get him like that. My mom is like that. Ignorance is bliss.

How can you fully love someone you can't trust? I'm not talking about saying that they won't do something wrong or hurtful, but that if they do your feelings and well being will be their main concern. Those are the people who will answer your post break up questions and deal with the aftermath of it, and be compassionate, IMO.

If nothing else, you should be able to trust that if something did go wrong, the person will still have care and concern for you and your feelings, in the least. If they don't, you didn't pick very well at all, though I know it's a crap shoot based on many different things.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 6/25/2013
Msg: 86
If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 1/4/2014 10:08:54 AM


You mistakenly think that the *ONLY* reason to ask for an explanation is to "make things better". Humans have a very real need to understand WHY things have happened, particularly bad things.


(WIP) People want information like this for some reason...it's usually not for the sake of it.


Actually, it usually is.



How about, it might make the person asking the question feel better? That's reason enough.


I must be the only person on earth who's never gotten any information I wanted to hear asking that question in my youth when I've been broken up with, etc.


In spite of your convoluted wording, I think you were trying to say that people doing things just to feel better is just dumb, which in itself is dumb and dismissive of the human condition. You're being deliberately fatuous, aren't you?



We also lead happier less stressful lives with a 10-million dollar a year income... try basing your answers in *REALITY*, rather than what you obviously think is a "tough-love" approach...


If you can't "realistically" avoid letting someone else determine your worth...


Would you stop talking as if people are nothing more than the sum of the chemicals making them up?
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 87
If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 1/4/2014 11:17:35 AM

Actually, it usually is.

Then I'm going to throw a regional spin on this and assume you just know very different people - the ones I know have some reason - to be able to analyze the other person or themselves, to improve something they think they caused, to point and blame, no one I've known has taken the information to just objectively discard it and revel in the fact that they got it (and furthermore, that it was even the truth).

In spite of your convoluted wording, I think you were trying to say that people doing things just to feel better is just dumb, which in itself is dumb and dismissive of the human condition. You're being deliberately fatuous, aren't you?

My wording may be convoluted to you. It happens. No, I was saying that I believe at the end of the day that people usually have some underlying reason - even if they don't know or admit it. Except of course for the people you've run into.

Would you stop talking as if people are nothing more than the sum of the chemicals making them up?

1. Tell me - clearly - how you got that from what I actually said.

2. How people feel and what they do about it don't have to be thrown together. I can like someone, date them, they could end it and I could either think I don't deserve love and life is horrible or I could say we weren't a match, shrug and move on. That's 100% my mindset determining how I take that situation.

2. Continuation of my earlier point is: are you saying people are incapable of logic and the ability to change their mindset? So, if I think you're a horrible person are you saying you will then just believe that going forward because I said so? I'm assuming - no.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 6/25/2013
Msg: 88
If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 1/5/2014 10:18:08 AM
*sigh*

WIP, if you wanna play "I didn't say what I very clearly was implying, but spoke with enough plausible deniability because I like to play clueless!", then knock yourself out.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 89
If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 1/5/2014 6:39:44 PM

2. Continuation of my earlier point is: are you saying people are incapable of logic and the ability to change their mindset? So, if I think you're a horrible person are you saying you will then just believe that going forward because I said so? I'm assuming - no.

This should have been marked "3."

*sigh*

WIP, if you wanna play "I didn't say what I very clearly was implying, but spoke with enough plausible deniability because I like to play clueless!", then knock yourself out.

You tend to infer things that I don't mean in these threads - to some degree I expect that in forums I post in so I will then further clarify. If at that point you refuse to believe what I'm explaining to be what I meant I can't do much more than sigh myself. You responded to something I said, which was inevitably engaging me in conversation. Ignore my posts if you don't want to answer subsequent questions - and if you don't want what you're posting challenged, just tell us that and save us the time.

Once again, have a great 2014. Thanks!
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 90
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History
If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 1/5/2014 7:27:46 PM

People that still retain a memory of someone will ALWAYS have lingering questions or feelings about them. ALWAYS. It doesn't go away. No matter how much booze people consume or how many things they've done to distance their new lives from the old, the memories STILL remain.


OP: This actually brings up a very different side of the same subject. Yes, you are quite correct, that painful experiences remain with us for a very long time. However, in my case at least, the person that I have remaining questions for, has never been my ex's.

The questions I still need to answer, are all addressed to myself. I have no desire whatsoever to ask them of my ex's, because they couldn't answer them, and they already answered any questions I might have had for them, by leaving, by doing whatever they did that caused me the pain that etched them into my mind.

My remaining questions for myself, include such gems as, why did I believe for as long as I did, that staying to be slashed and attacked and derided and made to look foolish was logical? Whose fault is it, that I allowed myself to be so mistreated? And did I actually accomplish anything that I can respect myself for, because I went through what I did?

That sort of thing.

But for the ex's themselves...nada.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 6/25/2013
Msg: 91
If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 1/6/2014 7:36:54 AM
(WIP) Ignore my posts if you don't want to answer subsequent questions...


Would that it were so simple, Luv, but you're just so Gosh-Darn infuriating!


... and if you don't want what you're posting challenged, just tell us that and save us the time.


I don't mind my posts being challenged; in fact, I welcome intellectual give-and-take. What bothers me is your incessant, "Anyone who shows emotions, ever, under any circumstances, is a big Double-Plus Whussy!" What are you, Spock?


Once again, have a great 2014. Thanks!


And, you too!
 Justmytypewriter
Joined: 2/8/2011
Msg: 92
view profile
History
If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 1/6/2014 11:42:42 AM
If I had a question for an ex, I'd just go ahead and ask them. I'm on good terms (and in 3 cases actually really good friends) with all the guys I have ever been in a relationship with. It always strikes me as odd to stop all communication just because you're no longer sharing a bed. Just because you've broken up doesn't usually turn the formerly beloved person into a horrible person. They are still the same person, so why not be friendly - or at least civil?

So my question to the OP would be: Unless the ex is dead or has successfully filed a restraining order against you, why don't you just ask? Especially since her post-divorce actions clearly influence/d your current life?
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 93
If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 1/6/2014 3:23:43 PM
OP, like a previous poster stated, none of us have to or should have to ask an ex a question. All questions and answers are by each one of us. That is where it starts and that is where it ends, that is where all the information lives. And the answer is confirming the ex as having the issues that could not be resolved during the relationship or it is the other way around.

Either way it starts and stops there. Think about it.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 94
If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 1/6/2014 6:43:22 PM

I don't mind my posts being challenged; in fact, I welcome intellectual give-and-take. What bothers me is your incessant, "Anyone who shows emotions, ever, under any circumstances, is a big Double-Plus Whussy!" What are you, Spock?

In no way am I joking when I say - I would love to know where you get this impression. What exactly did I say - or is it that I tend to be less emotionally charged when posting? I really honestly don't remember actually saying anything like that, but I will review my contributions to the thread.

I don't think it's wise to make major life decisions based on a lot of emotion - but I don't have anything against people having them. As humans, it's not like we have much of a choice.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 6/25/2013
Msg: 95
If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 1/7/2014 9:38:32 AM

(WIP) In no way am I joking when I say - I would love to know where you get this impression.


It's not as if this thread is the only one you've ever posted in. If posts, and the interpretation of your hidden intent thereof, were slips, I could say, "Your slip is showing, Luv!"


What exactly did I say - or is it that I tend to be less emotionally charged when posting?


I admire that (the emotions-in-check thing). You *DO* tend to come across as condescending when weighing in on someone else's emotionally-led decision making, though. You're pretty smart, WIP, so I cannot conceive that you are unaware that *HOW* you say/write something is at least as important as *WHAT* you say/write. So, I'm left wondering why you come across the way you do. You either don't *KNOW* how you come across (as I said, highly unlikely), or you don't *CARE* how you come across...


I don't think it's wise to make major life decisions based on a lot of emotion ...


Nor do I. However, fact remains, people often *DO* make decisions, major life and otherwise, based on a lot of emotion; and, human beings being what they are, they aren't going to change that anytime soon. Certainly not based on chastising they receive on PoF.

You can acknowledge that most people's default is, "It's easier to ask forgiveness, than it is to ask permission!", and respond accordingly; or, spend time and effort railing against something that, oh only 99.99% of humans do...


... but I don't have anything against people having them (ie, emotions). As humans, it's not like we have much of a choice.


You make it sound like having emotions is some sort of regrettable circumstance, and you advocate corrective surgery as soon as convenient...
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 96
If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 1/7/2014 10:43:48 AM

It's not as if this thread is the only one you've ever posted in. If posts, and the interpretation of your hidden intent thereof, were slips, I could say, "Your slip is showing, Luv!"

I've been posting in threads for close to 10 years - I'm totally aware of this. My post stands. I wasn't joking, but thanks for throwing one back, BTW.

I admire that (the emotions-in-check thing). You *DO* tend to come across as condescending when weighing in on someone else's emotionally-led decision making, though. You're pretty smart, WIP, so I cannot conceive that you are unaware that *HOW* you say/write something is at least as important as *WHAT* you say/write. So, I'm left wondering why you come across the way you do. You either don't *KNOW* how you come across (as I said, highly unlikely), or you don't *CARE* how you come across...

I can be bluntly honest, I don't sugar coat. I take the information and apply my take and experience to it. One can be emotional and yet make a clear choice. I don't mean to come across as trying to force anyone to do anything as their lives are theirs. I have no dog in the fight. It simply is a weigh in on my part - it's just bottom line information that someone can then take or leave. We are a room full of strangers to the person asking - so I am sure people don't lose a lot of sleep over what responses they get to their question.

Nor do I. However, fact remains, people often *DO* make decisions, major life and otherwise, based on a lot of emotion; and, human beings being what they are, they aren't going to change that anytime soon. Certainly not based on chastising they receive on PoF.

Nor do they have to. The only person that has to do that is me as I am only in charge of my life. Again, I am weighing in for the most part...I don't see it as chastising. I'll review my dialogue going forward to try not to put it that way.

You can acknowledge that most people's default is, "It's easier to ask forgiveness, than it is to ask permission!", and respond accordingly; or, spend time and effort railing against something that, oh only 99.99% of humans do...

I don't mean to do more than add to the discussion. I'm not spending time and effort railing or anything else. Apologies if it seems that way.

You make it sound like having emotions is some sort of regrettable circumstance, and you advocate corrective surgery as soon as convenient...

Only as it applies to me is it regrettable. I would totally have that surgery if it were available and my health care covered it. However for me expressing them or letting them get the best of me is the real problem - I'm not comfortable with it or happy about it. Nevertheless I don't mean to fault others for it. I see it as A+B likely equals AB based on what others have done and/or our own experience - how we feel about it isn't really going to change the choice we make or that outcome from happening.

Example: Let's say I fear getting hurt if I date. What can I do?
1. Get over my fear. 2. Stop dating. 3. Date in a way that I avoid hurt.
That's it for my choices. How I feel about it won't change those options. There is a risk of hurt if I date if it's in fact something that I take that seriously. Now if I decide to date and I get hurt - that's on me, not the person who I dated - I allowed it. While they may have even set out to hurt me - at the end of the day I put my self in a place where it was able to happen. I knew it was part of the process. *shrug*
 sassyscorpiochick
Joined: 9/29/2010
Msg: 97
If you could ask your Ex one Question...
Posted: 1/17/2014 4:31:03 PM
I said in my ask a guy thread that I was not friends with any of my exes. But that's not true. I am very good friends with my first husband.

I would ask an ex if his mother died because in 3 years, it doesn't look like the car has moved. I told his ex wife she would get her back child support when she died. The State would take it out of her estate.

I broke up with him when he quit his job because he was tired of paying child support.
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