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 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 17
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Was I in the wrong? Asked a guy I dates who happens to be a coworker to leave me alone.Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)

I thought he would respect my desire to have space and that we could talk it out like adults.


So do you want him to go away or do you want him to talk? It sounds to me like he is attempting a peaceful coexistence in the workplace, follow his example.
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 18
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Was I in the wrong? Asked a guy I dates who happens to be a coworker to leave me alone.
Posted: 1/4/2014 5:20:12 PM
I smell a lawsuit brewing..........
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 19
Was I in the wrong? Asked a guy I dates who happens to be a coworker to leave me alone.
Posted: 1/4/2014 5:20:53 PM

I just want him to respect my boundaries. No talk other than work and the occasional hello and goodbye.


You should practice what you preach. Especially when you said:


I talked to him for closure because all relationships should end with the other person knowing it ended.


So, you want him to not talk to you, but you felt the need to talk to him so you can get closure. Are you 12 years old? It's time to grow up. It sounds like he's doing what you want him to do, but you are still reeling and acting vengeful. Don't turn into one of these women who are forever bitter and are always playing the victim role. Nobody forced you to date him.
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 20
Was I in the wrong? Asked a guy I dates who happens to be a coworker to leave me alone.
Posted: 1/4/2014 5:37:04 PM

I smell a lawsuit brewing..........


Signugq (see message 26)

While I won't touch this hot mess of a post......I couldn't agree with you more......

and it's yet ANOTHER shining example of why I refuse to get involved with co-workers.

Not only is it in poor taste, but also unprofessional, inappropriate, and can lead you for years explaining to a judge in the 9th Circuit Federal Court of your actions because of the sexual harrassment lawsuits. This truly is one of Corporate America's biggest fears. - I see it in the papers all the time. *sigh*
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 21
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Was I in the wrong? Asked a guy I dates who happens to be a coworker to leave me alone.
Posted: 1/4/2014 5:56:06 PM
^^^^ Hey Effer, living in Australia (I believe) is quite different than in the USA. I know (for example) that most European women don't even know the meaning of the term "sexual harassment" let alone going legal about it. In the USA, it is one of the best ways for a young woman to retire early on a golden parachute.

Unfortunate, but VERY true.
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 22
Was I in the wrong? Asked a guy I dates who happens to be a coworker to leave me alone.
Posted: 1/4/2014 6:00:51 PM
^^^^^^^

Effer.....Apparently you live in a fantasy world and dont read the newspapers or watch TV.

Just because you got laid by your co worker and slap each others a$$ in the hallway and didn't face a lawsuit doesn't mean it won't happen to the OP.......I would say you were damn lucky......this time. - Next time you may NOT be that lucky.

Again....unprofessional and inappropriate.

I am not the only one on this post who has mentioned the very fact that HR action or sexual harrassment lawsuits aren't a possibility here.

Read any article out there about how to conduct yourself in an office.....trust me....not getting personally involved with your co-workers tops the list.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 23
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Was I in the wrong? Asked a guy I dates who happens to be a coworker to leave me alone.
Posted: 1/4/2014 6:25:39 PM
A lot of people seem to think she talks to him but tells him not to talk to her, what she posted was the he broke up with her, asked to be friends, she told him she can't do that and they talked about it at work, once, and that's the last time she's spoken to him, telling him she doesn't want to be his friend and to just leave her alone at work. So just how is she controlling & bossy? Not everyone wants to be friends after being dumped, and it's hard to work with someone you still wanted to be with, while he's fine.
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 24
Was I in the wrong? Asked a guy I dates who happens to be a coworker to leave me alone.
Posted: 1/4/2014 7:00:09 PM
3ffervescent, you have taught sexual harassment laws to students and earlier you stated the guy you both went different ways, you both agreed to slap each other on the a$$ if you saw each other in the hallways?

Have you ever heard of one person "turning" on the other person when you ASS ume neither person would do anything to holler harassment? And you say you "taught this type of law? Really? Serious?
 drivingharmony2
Joined: 6/23/2013
Msg: 25
Was I in the wrong? Asked a guy I dates who happens to be a coworker to leave me alone.
Posted: 1/4/2014 9:23:47 PM

Being professional means being civil. If you are overtly cold, obviously rude or whatever, it will bring a personal vibe into the workplace that could burn you, even though you are trying to keep your distance.


^^^Exactly.... +1

I don't know how big your workplace is, but you do not want to get into a hostile work environment/situation. If things cannot be civil/professional at work, you may have no choice but to seek the advice of your management or HR. Keep your job and keep your cool as other coworkers could likely find out what's going on if not handled properly.
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 26
Was I in the wrong? Asked a guy I dates who happens to be a coworker to leave me alone.
Posted: 1/5/2014 6:01:31 AM

I have taught sexual harassment laws to students


Effer.....(see message 34) if you supposedly taught this type of law, then you should know better.


3ffervescent, you have taught sexual harassment laws to students and earlier you stated the guy you both went different ways, you both agreed to slap each other on the a$$ if you saw each other in the hallways?

Have you ever heard of one person "turning" on the other person when you ASS ume neither person would do anything to holler harassment? And you say you "taught this type of law? Really? Serious?


John...see message 35 - Amen to that! +1
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 27
Was I in the wrong? Asked a guy I dates who happens to be a coworker to leave me alone.
Posted: 1/5/2014 7:46:12 AM
alright already!


I suspect that the OP has figured out-even BEFORE she posted her topic-that there can be a significant downside to getting romantically/sexually(either /or/both) with a work associate.

She asked if she was in the wrong to request that a former sociosexual contact ,who also happens to be a co-worker, to keep interaction at work ABOUT work.

I don't think that's an unreasonable request.

Unfortunately, unless the guy is doing something that makes her feel threatened, she may have to tolerate some chitchat from him. If he starts going someplace she doesn't want the conversation to go, there is this phrase"let me stop you right there". If HE makes a scene of some kind, starts pressuring, invading her space, etc, then she, IMO, does have grounds for a quiet, calm discussion with the HR department.

To give a direct answer to the OT-no, I do not think she is in the wrong to request that personal/social chitchat not be part of her interaction with a former romantic interest. As far as all this post-incident lecturing, what's done is done.


I see nothing to indicate that the decision to date one another was anything other than mutual,and like it or not, there STILL are lots of situations where a significant sociosexual relationship comes into existence via the workplace or business interaction.

Look, marriages and serious relationships seem to fail at a rate of 30%-50%. Perhaps everyone should thoroughly analyze every possible potential for problems before asking for-or accepting-a date with a co-worker, neighbor, fellow member of a social circle or interest community?
Perhaps people shoud only be allowed to date those they meet online,as long as sufficient distance and little or no "overlap" is present in the 2 people's lives?

No, OP-IMO- you are not in the wrong. However, you may need to balance your dislike of your former interests' actions with the need to keep a pleasant work environment.
Cindy O
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 28
Was I in the wrong? Asked a guy I dates who happens to be a coworker to leave me alone.
Posted: 1/5/2014 8:59:05 AM
There is absolutely nothing wrong with dating another adult no matter where you meet,work, or play. What is wrong, is that most adults in today's world don't act like adults. THAT is where the problems start. Even with this sexual "harassment" shiat. Why is it a problem? People can't act accordingly. In other words, the majority are phucked in the head.

OP, I suggest this would be the time to start growing, up. Act like a child, and you will be treated accordingly. Your ex is probably actually enjoying yanking your chain because of the your reactions to it. That's what happens when children decide to play and don't know all of the "rules". Fun shiat isn't it????
 Mrktgmn
Joined: 7/27/2007
Msg: 29
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Was I in the wrong? Asked a guy I dates who happens to be a coworker to leave me alone.
Posted: 1/5/2014 9:04:32 AM
Never get your honey at the place you make your money...
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 30
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Was I in the wrong? Asked a guy I dates who happens to be a coworker to leave me alone.
Posted: 1/5/2014 12:28:19 PM

He broke things off with me and asked me if we could be friends after having to confront him to find out why he was being so distant. The conversation ended with him trying to leave things up in the air again after arguing. I texted him later on and told him to have a nice life


What hasn't been commented on, or maybe noticed, is that she confronted him, he broke up with her during the argument but immediately tried to rescind that and "leave it up in the air ... again". She texted him later to break up with him, to tell him not to text her, and now at work not to talk to her. OP, to me, is clearly the one to do the breaking up and wanting the cutting off. The real question is, OP, why are you angry that he is trying to be nice to you (or perhaps trying to repair the relationship?) I'm sure he did something we don't know about, and don't need to know, but I don't see you as being harrassed at all and as a previous poster mentioned, you are calling the shots, which is fine, but perhaps inappropriate since you do have to work together and it's making an uncomfortable work environment for HIM.




Other people are starting to notice that I am very cold towards him when it comes to issues not regarding work, so when we were alone I asked him to refrain from talking to me unless it had to do with the job. He responded with oh my god, whatever. An what am I supposed to do, pretend you're not there? He had raised his voice with me at that point and I calmed down and repeated what I had said earlier. Was it really that big of a deal?


Yes, because you are not only making him uncomfortable at work, but the other people in your office as well. Is this a way to "punish" him for something he did that we don't know about? No need to answer, just consider. Is making his work environment uncomfortable every day not only with you but others "noticing" a fair to him and everyone else?
 usmale6
Joined: 9/14/2013
Msg: 32
Was I in the wrong? Asked a guy I dates who happens to be a coworker to leave me alone.
Posted: 1/5/2014 5:33:50 PM
This why you should not date where you work - don't poop where you eat.
 TOaks91360
Joined: 11/22/2013
Msg: 33
Was I in the wrong? Asked a guy I dates who happens to be a coworker to leave me alone.
Posted: 1/5/2014 6:54:26 PM
Ask him to please respect your boundaries and if he can't do that, then you'll have no choice but to contact HR. I'm sorry for the sticky situation you're in.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 34
Was I in the wrong? Asked a guy I dates who happens to be a coworker to leave me alone.
Posted: 1/5/2014 7:51:56 PM
so, he didn't want you and was distant, but now he can't have you, he wants you?

SOMETIMES, the way to get rid of a chaser is to not be hard to get, and they get bored and go away again. but this requires you to be good at reading people. barring all that, tho, the general advice i'd give is...play things the way you have been. be professional. if he blows it out of proportion, and it hits HR, then at least you're in the clear b/c you've been calm cool and collected this whole entire time.

while i'm not big on the blame game, fact is...the others are correct in pointing out its CYA time. don't threaten him with taking it to HR, just point out its over, its done, keep acting professional and let him be the one who makes a scene--which hopefully it won't go that far.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 36
Was I in the wrong? Asked a guy I dates who happens to be a coworker to leave me alone.
Posted: 1/5/2014 8:13:02 PM
well, at the end of most relationships, each partner has to do what's right for them w/out hurting the other...and conversation is all about the clarity...so, yes, you did what's right.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 37
Was I in the wrong? Asked a guy I dates who happens to be a coworker to leave me alone.
Posted: 1/6/2014 10:01:15 AM
the fact the pilot (or whatever type of colleague he was) had to shoot himself in the head, upon her doorstep...tells me what his intention behind the joke was. he was always trying to get her attention. at least he didn't take his issue out on the airline.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 38
Was I in the wrong? Asked a guy I dates who happens to be a coworker to leave me alone.
Posted: 1/6/2014 1:20:32 PM
Op, if you need the space from him, then telling him was the right thing to do.

Try not to make anyone else in the office feel uncomfortable being in the middle of you and him though. I have been in that position a few times at work, and I hate it. I come to work to pay my bills, not to be made to feel uncomfortable because two coworkers played hide the sausage and then broke up. I dont want to be made to feel like Im picking sides when discussing my work with either party and I dont want to hear about couples love life at work. Good, bad or otherwise. Please remember you have an accountability to everyone you work with, to be pleasant and civil on the job to everyone-including him.
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 39
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Was I in the wrong? Asked a guy I dates who happens to be a coworker to leave me alone.
Posted: 1/6/2014 3:18:27 PM

Being professional means being civil. If you are overtly cold, obviously rude or whatever, it will bring a personal vibe into the workplace that could burn you, even though you are trying to keep your distance.


I agree, but only to a point. As a man, I speak to women in the office, ONLY when spoken to, and I only reply when it involves the business at hand. Otherwise, I have nothing to say. I find it to be the best course of action. I have an attitude that involves neither rudeness nor politeness, just stoic professionalism.
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 40
Was I in the wrong? Asked a guy I dates who happens to be a coworker to leave me alone.
Posted: 1/6/2014 3:53:04 PM

As a man, I speak to women in the office, ONLY when spoken to, and I only reply when it involves the business at hand. Otherwise, I have nothing to say. I find it to be the best course of action. I have an attitude that involves neither rudeness nor politeness, just stoic professionalism.


sigungq (see message 54) - Amen to that.

It doesn't matter who I am dealing with in my office....and believe me we have some very interesting people there.....one who is a total gossip who gets into everyone's business....and one who is sick every 10 minutes. etc. etc........I only speak with them when it applies to the business at hand....I try to be competent, knowledgeable, and the utmost of professional. It's the only way to go.
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 41
Was I in the wrong? Asked a guy I dates who happens to be a coworker to leave me alone.
Posted: 1/6/2014 4:15:23 PM
3ffer......"He wasn't in a position of authority over me, nor, I over him.
(kind of important for a harassment case)"

That is not true at all.

Aside from the above, the point myself and others is you have to be careful in the workplace. Doesn't guarantee that someone is going to do a 360 and sue or cry harassment. I think what most people are saying is that when you develop a relationship with a co worker, you have to think ahead as far as the pros and cons. We all do that when looking on these dating sites as far as trying to figure out if this person or that person is who we may get involved with and this co worker example is just one more huge thing to consider.
 aminimalist
Joined: 1/3/2014
Msg: 42
Was I in the wrong? Asked a guy I dates who happens to be a coworker to leave me alone.
Posted: 1/6/2014 6:17:05 PM
I don't think you were out of line here and it sounds like you made your intentions perfectly clear, and that he cannot take a hint. You sound like you are trying to be a mature and reasonable adult about this whole thing.

It is also situations like this are the reason that I don't date people I work with, "Don't dip your pen in the company ink." Unless of course I am about to quit a job and I won't be working at said place very much longer anyway.
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 43
Was I in the wrong? Asked a guy I dates who happens to be a coworker to leave me alone.
Posted: 1/11/2014 7:00:28 AM
Here's a trick to use when you don't want to talk to someone: "I don't want to talk to you."

"Have a nice life" says NOTHING about what you actually want. Sometimes you have to actually say what you're thinking. When he asked if you could still be friends, you should have said no. Problem solved.

Can you really blame him for trying to talk to you when you weren't exactly specific about anything?
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