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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > I'm rather confused as to why people seek relationships. [CLOSED]<      Home login  
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 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 26
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I'm rather confused as to why people seek relationships.Page 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Why join a dating site if you are happy being a lone masturbating wolf?
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 27
I'm rather confused as to why people seek relationships.
Posted: 1/10/2014 7:51:22 AM

What do you people think of this?


I think your statement if fool of crap.

There are bigger forces other than reproduction that connects us to other beings. One of them being Love. Love goes beyond sex. Until you have experienced love, all you think you are doing is using other people to satisfy your needs. Once you experience love, you learn to give, you learn compassion, and begin to understand powerful forces that unite us as humans, as creatures of the cosmos, as energy that transmutes to mass and can generate thought and more energy.

And it all begins with love.
 meoww207
Joined: 12/29/2013
Msg: 28
I'm rather confused as to why people seek relationships.
Posted: 1/10/2014 8:24:12 AM
You do realize that some people have NO desire to have children right? So then what is their reasoning for wanting sex/relationships?
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 29
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I'm rather confused as to why people seek relationships.
Posted: 1/10/2014 8:28:43 AM
Relationships as they exist as a majority ARE pretty much a dumb societal concept that gradually evolved over time due to survival of the species. Similarly, much of what people actually "get" from relationships emotionally comes from society breeding them to be that way from such a young age that they don't even remember and just think "that's the way it is."

As I get older, there begins to be more and more of a distinction in people that realize that (the minority) and those that don't. The prior group, at least in their 30s, tend to be relatively successful, creative, have multiple people who actually want to be in a relationship with them, that they turn down, can get laid any time they want, and have a large group of friends. Without the worry of being alone and not feeling lonely, due to good friend groups, while being financially secure enough not to need to pool resources, it fulfills all of the "needs" that relationships are supposed to cover, and they realize that it's not even necessary or a worthwhile endeavor for them.

However, there is another group, normally younger, lonely, and not successful, that attempts to adopt these ideas to "cover" for the fact that they're unable to achieve a relationship with a person they want. This is normally highly transparent, and gives a bad name to those that legitimately feel this way.
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 30
I'm rather confused as to why people seek relationships.
Posted: 1/10/2014 8:44:21 AM
Op, have you ever been in a relationship? Ever been in love, ever your stomach flip, couldn't contain the excitement, felt so connected to someone you almost plan everything with them or thinking of them?

Ever felt so lucky to be with who you are with, your face lightens up when they text you, you make love and it's like transcending to another universe in which the emotions are connected, it almost makes you cry? You would rather take a bullet for them instead of having them perish? Ever felt like the only thing that mattered is that person and the rest of the world can just crumble? Ever felt like the thought of losing them was just too much to bear?

Until you have experienced the range of emotions that takes place when you care for someone deeply, none of it will make sense. You are simply replacing one action with an action similar to it, just for convenience sake, but they are not the same. The result may be the same (reaching an orgasm), but it's not the same to have someone caress you, care about you, be concerned Bout your sexual satisfaction, make love to you, or you them, or to each other.

I totally get what you saying and how it doesn't make sense if you look at it in terms of the purpose of thing, but feelings are what makes the world go round. There is a hierarchy of needs by Maslow, check it out. We all yearn to belong, to feel loved, accepted, etc. The needs don't have to come from a partner, but it usually does to some extent.

I have a similar problem. Having been in 3 lovely relationships, long-term, I feel like I've experienced it all, and have no desire for another relationship. I'm enjoying being by myself, owning my time, and not think about anyone. While I'm not looking for a relationship, I'm open to having one if the right person comes along. Similarly, I'm not interested in co-habitation, marriage, or children,but if the right person comes along and expresses such as a desire, I might consider it. If someone proves themselves deserving of what they request, I might comply. I'm happy with what currently have and don't want to change it, but feelings are feelings and there are good people out there.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 31
I'm rather confused as to why people seek relationships.
Posted: 1/10/2014 9:32:57 AM
Humans usually seek a connection with another living being, unless they were taught during the formative years that trusting others is bad for us. (parents that didnt meet the childs emotional needs when they needed to be met etc...)

It is just how we are wired, to seek out others to love. It is a primal thing and yes, procreation is the driving force. Yet those who have had vasectomies and tubal surgeries, still feel the 'pull' to bond with other people so it is not all about procreation. We are 'pack' animals, we survive because there is strength in numbers.

If you dont feel any pull to other people and cannot bond...you should read up on RAD (reactive attachment disorder)

For myself, while I always did enjoy my alone times....there is nothing better than sharing your achievments, accompishments etc with someone you love. I have been promoted for example a few times at work. While every one time it happened was special to me, the times I could call up a certain someone and arrange to celebrate together, were just a little more meaningful to me than the times I went home and pampered myself alone. Most of us just feel the need to share our journey with others. How you do that, is on you. You dont have to marry to share your journey...heck you dont even have to share your journey with the same person for very long...but is normal to want someone to share the journey with at some point.
 Iteration77
Joined: 8/22/2013
Msg: 32
I'm rather confused as to why people seek relationships.
Posted: 1/10/2014 10:32:49 AM

You would rather take a bullet for them instead of having them perish? Ever felt like the only thing that mattered is that person and the rest of the world can just crumble? Ever felt like the thought of losing them was just too much to bear?


I'm older than a lot of folks in this (and many discussions) so it may be somewhat tempting to think I'm hopelessly out of touch but perhaps I can add another perspective to this discussion. I mean, I was young once :)

The above snippet (note I didn't use the first sentence which referenced sex, lol) struck a huge chord with me. Though this text was used to describe love for a romantic partner, I will say this: Even though I was married for over 20 years to a man I still have great respect for and have also been 'in love' in that 'he was the air I breathed' sort of way, NONE of that compared (for me) to being a parent. Being a parent is what gave me an open heart, made me understand what loving someone else really meant. It is by far the thing in my life that has made the most sense, the thing I am most grateful for. It's difficult, exhausting and absolutely NOT for everyone but .... worth every bit of energy. I suspect it would have been much more difficult and exhausting if I had done it alone.

My daughters (young adults now) have been lucky to have 2 involved parents who tried to make them a priority. Everyone's story is different, but I do believe that us (their dad and I) being married (and continuing to have a strong co-parenting relationship after we were divorced) has given them a very strong launching pad.
 Iteration77
Joined: 8/22/2013
Msg: 33
I'm rather confused as to why people seek relationships.
Posted: 1/10/2014 11:26:28 AM
^^ Point of all the above blather is in relation to the OP:

A large part of what motivated me in my late 20's to be in a relationship (and eventually get married) was that I wanted a family. My ex-husband also felt that way. Though we didn't last forever, I think I can say pretty safely (based on my interaction with him over the holidays) that neither of us regrets those choices.
 4ms4me
Joined: 4/24/2010
Msg: 34
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I'm rather confused as to why people seek relationships.
Posted: 1/10/2014 12:47:16 PM
Relationships as they exist as a majority ARE pretty much a dumb societal concept that gradually evolved over time due to survival of the species.

I don't agree with this. Every culture has had some form of regulation for the purposes of "survival of the species', and one way is not inherently dumber than another.

Similarly, much of what people actually "get" from relationships emotionally comes from society breeding them to be that way from such a young age that they don't even remember and just think "that's the way it is."

If you're referring specifically to the romantic notion of one-lover-for-life-or-your-a-failure that is so prevalent, I agree that this is somewhat of a societal thing. However, humans do have an intrinsic need and desire for pair-bonding, else why would people have ever sought out relationships beyond sexual, let alone progressed to making rules about them? And while romantic love isn't necessarily the greatest basis for long-lasting relationships, it's an emotion that has been around about as long as humans have been; it wasn't 'created' by society.

It's also been proven that from a strictly biological viewpoint, humans who develop strong relationships tend to do better overall than people who do not. This isn't to say that individuals can't be happy entirely on their own, or that someone with a strong social group can't be unhappy, but generally speaking love of family, friends and partners is important to people beyond any societal constructs.


The prior group, at least in their 30s, tend to be relatively successful, creative, have multiple people who actually want to be in a relationship with them, that they turn down, can get laid any time they want, and have a large group of friends. Without the worry of being alone and not feeling lonely, due to good friend groups, while being financially secure enough not to need to pool resources, it fulfills all of the "needs" that relationships are supposed to cover, and they realize that it's not even necessary or a worthwhile endeavor for them.

Uh huh. I don't know about this. I think there is something special about having a "special someone", although I don't agree it has to be the same someone for life. While those happily single may strongly disagree, I think they are missing something important if they really believe financial security and a good group of friends provides the same things as pair-bonding. Pair-bonding is an inherent part of what humans seek, and almost anyone who's ever been part of a pair-bond knows whats lacking in 'just friends' and getting 'laid whenever'.

Also, why would it be important to mention that these people "have multiple people who actually want to be in a relationship with them, that they turn down"? Are relationships for these people some kind of power-brokering deal?
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 35
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I'm rather confused as to why people seek relationships.
Posted: 1/10/2014 1:56:13 PM
- Some ways are dumber in certain societies, which is why they fail or change into something else over time.

- That's a correlation/causation thing. There's no proof that "being married" leads to longer lives, for instance, as it could be and is likely just a correlating factor of "healthier people tend to get married."

- Humans didn't pair bond until relatively recent years. Humans GROUP bonded, which is a bit different. Humanity has always had a need to be around other humans, but when it came to sexual romantic relationships, society(s) have run the gamut of relationship structure. The "one woman/one man" thing developed more so as a side effect of competition and men wanting to ensure that the children women came went directly from him. Even still, that derived from a "one man buys multiple wives if he can afford it" situation.

- It's important to mention the difference between people who HAVE been in relationships and CAN get into a new relationship whenever they want, as opposed to those that cannot. A person with perspective and opportunity that makes a choice is different than one that is forced into a situation and attempts to justify it. Many people that espouse the philosophy are in the latter group, whereas the former group doesn't normally care enough to make a thread about it.
 jan1025
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 36
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I'm rather confused as to why people seek relationships.
Posted: 1/10/2014 3:09:07 PM
Bayonetta:

It’s not an illusion in it’s entirety, its human evolution and learned behavior passed down for thousands of years of human conditioning, feeling, traditions and lifestyle.

The only illusion I see is the thousands of years of brainwashing through religion, cultures and emotions.

If we convince ourselves through feelings and emotions that being in relationships and having sex/love is what the whole world does, then we adopt our lifestyles to such feelings and emotions to follow the same human pattern set down since the beginning of time.

The organism is a very powerful source of inspiration.

The "hand" part of your post... well, most people enjoy another's company to ones own.
Lol
Jan
 4ms4me
Joined: 4/24/2010
Msg: 37
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I'm rather confused as to why people seek relationships.
Posted: 1/10/2014 4:02:44 PM

Some ways are dumber in certain societies, which is why they fail or change into something else over time.

"Dumber" is an opinion, not a fact. Just because things change over time doesn't mean the previous way was "dumb".

There's no proof that "being married" leads to longer lives, for instance, as it could be and is likely just a correlating factor of "healthier people tend to get married."

Again indicating that pair-bonding is a natural function of healthy people. In any case, life-satisfaction is generally greater among people who are happily married, than people who are single - or unhappily married. I can only assume that the same would hold true if the pair-bond was common-law, or temporary.


Humans didn't pair bond until relatively recent years

Yeah, pair-bonding has been part of human life for a very, very long time - maybe even forever. I grant you there are different forms of pair-bonding, such as between mother and child as opposed to lovers. Someone who has not pair-bonded in some particular way might not quite get what all the fuss is about.

The thing that is fairly recent is trying to make the sexual/romantic pair-bond into a permanent arrangement through marriage and monogamy. Permanent pair-bonding does work for some people, just as it works for some animals, but certainly not everyone.

But whether permanent or not, some might think that having good friends, plenty of money and regular sexual partners is pretty much the same thing as romantic/sexual pair bonding. In my opinion, they are extremely wrong.
 fieryredhead77
Joined: 12/17/2012
Msg: 38
I'm rather confused as to why people seek relationships.
Posted: 1/10/2014 4:17:19 PM
I agree with bmccray. But I happen to fall in the category of 30 something professional who doesn't NEED a relationship to get all my financial needs met, etc. It may be a generation X phenomena.

I lived for a year in a country that up until 100 years ago shared their partners with newcomers. They are still very open sexually and don't have the same kind of judgement on sleeping with people for fun. I have that same attitude in general, but here, people think it is slutty and a sign of low self esteem. I disagree.

I think that people fail so often in relationships because we expect to have all of our needs met by one single individual. That is completely impossible. If you have several well developed relationships with different people it works out better. But then again, I have never had this completely in love feeling that some people are describing on here. I have certainly felt lust many times, which is fun.
 traveltrekker
Joined: 9/17/2013
Msg: 39
I'm rather confused as to why people seek relationships.
Posted: 1/10/2014 4:23:07 PM

I'm rather confused as to why people seek relationships.


They get tired of just talking to themselves.
 Flurr
Joined: 4/24/2010
Msg: 40
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I'm rather confused as to why people seek relationships.
Posted: 1/10/2014 5:08:32 PM
There is no real purpose. Its not about what you need but what you want.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 41
I'm rather confused as to why people seek relationships.
Posted: 1/10/2014 5:17:10 PM
Without relationships, there would be no divorce court, no divorce lawyers, and it would have a ripple effect, making other people unemployed. So relationships are needed to lower the unemployment rate.
 TOaks91360
Joined: 11/22/2013
Msg: 42
I'm rather confused as to why people seek relationships.
Posted: 1/10/2014 6:53:26 PM
Committed sex with a best friend sounds like fun:)
 GJBrown
Joined: 9/12/2011
Msg: 43
I'm rather confused as to why people seek relationships.
Posted: 1/10/2014 8:47:35 PM
people seek relationships because they were brainwashed by Disney Movies!
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 44
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I'm rather confused as to why people seek relationships.
Posted: 1/10/2014 8:52:35 PM

Relationships as they exist as a majority ARE pretty much a dumb societal concept that gradually evolved over time due to survival of the species. Similarly, much of what people actually "get" from relationships emotionally comes from society breeding them to be that way from such a young age that they don't even remember and just think "that's the way it is."


That one made me laugh, and it's nothing more than arguing what came first, the chicken or the egg. The fact is, it all goes together and while some people are on the fringes, it's part of human reproduction to look for someone, fall for someone, and live with them in some form of commitment to raise children together. While male stereotypes try to act as though only women want relationships and men only want sex, that's so often shown to be silly by all the men who want a relationship, who are brokenhearted over the loss of one or not finding one....in other words, the majority of people do want to be with someone and often do find someone to be with. Luckily most of us aren't forced to do this, since there are those who want no part of it, but let's not pretend that society forced people into relationships, human nature is what has driven that need, as I said, it's all part of the function of human reproduction. One doesn't have to produce children, but the need to be with others, that's just as hormonally driven as the need for most to want sex. The fact there are those who don't fit this need does not negate that most do.

Just as in other life forms where the male & female couple up and raise the young together, so we are part of that sort of set up, I don't think these animals who also pair up have been forced to do so by any society or cultural groups, no animal religious set up, no parents shaking their fingers, it's just the way our bodies & minds work. Since our bodies & minds do work this way, people have set things up, corrupted normal behavior, stamped things with their own prejudices, both good & bad, and made up gods to enforce it all. The fact remains, for the majority of humans, it's just a natural function of their life.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 45
I'm rather confused as to why people seek relationships.
Posted: 1/10/2014 9:15:32 PM
OP,

first off, you do sound like someone who has been deeply disappointed and very probably hurt. Maybe you felt controlled as a kid and unloved as an adult? I don't know what your history is,

but I do know that, in spite of the myers briggs thinking quadrant, many people experience people and relationships around them through the mind's filter of empathy. There are a lot of people who interface with the world through "feeling".

and even with those who are intellectual "thinkers"? Look at science. Human touch is much more than a need to procreate. Hospitals have touching for infants for developmental bonding. nursing with babies when possible, interaction between humans on many fundamental levels will develop and nurture a person's intelligence, flexibility, broaden their horizons, have them develop feelings of trust, learn sharing and selflessness (as longa s it goes both ways), and where if it is between two adults who care for each other, trust (and are trustworthy) with each other, and truly value each other, you can develop a deep, enriching rapport intellectually, a deep bond emotionally and have that physical contact that is way more than sex... it is intimacy of the heart and body, which hands can't touch.

Just being held, not talking, that can't be fabricated by constantly new strangers and can't be touched by one's own hand or toy.

It is a connecting with a person that you value, care for, enjoy the company of, and truly enjoy communications, fun activities and the physical connecting of.

That can't be replicated by seeing how many notches you can put up for strangers you get it on with, that can't be replaced by a sterile toy no matter how good it makes you feel.

But it is possible when not in one to still be content and happy; but shutting onself away from the potential of them because they are messy and not controlled enough?

nope. Life has to be a little messy if it's going to be lived. Anyone want perfect clean stereil? Won't live. They will just coast on the surface reacting to it.

We need contact, and we need something to bring out our better instincts. And we need human touch of someone we deeply care about and trust.

that's my story anyways, and I'm sticking with it :)
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 46
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I'm rather confused as to why people seek relationships.
Posted: 1/11/2014 7:38:33 AM
It is no surprise that many that are currently in their 20s and 30s don't buy into the lies we were fed as children. It is good to see that we are finally thinking critically. Like the dodo bird, relationships, marriage, and courtship are facing extinction. These children that have grown up in their 20's and 30's are a product of the billion dollar divorce industry and the consumerism that enslaves the future economic well being of the future generations. You reap what you sow ,and while it may seem disturbing to those that are 40 years or older to hear the younger generation speak like this... They must embrace the environment that the grew up in and realize the illusion has been shattered More specifically once you take the red pill there is no going back.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 47
I'm rather confused as to why people seek relationships.
Posted: 1/11/2014 7:58:32 AM

Beyond reproduction all reasons for relationships are illusions.

Love as we all know is a system of which chemical reactions trick your brain into believing their is something special about a certain person.


I don’t agree with your underlying presumptions. But even if these are your laws of interpersonal relationship, it makes sense that you wouldn’t see much point to seeking a relationship. In a nutshell, I think caring about other people, and especially exchanging caring and love in a mutual committed relationship with one other person, makes us less selfish and egotistical, and more humane in general. It makes us better people.
 that_ol_lady
Joined: 4/19/2013
Msg: 48
I'm rather confused as to why people seek relationships.
Posted: 1/12/2014 8:52:02 AM

GJBrown


OP ask why?
Its Human Nature! seeking friendships and relationships.
and let the record show that masterbation and sex are not the same thing. And they are not equal!



I will agree with this ^^
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 49
I'm rather confused as to why people seek relationships.
Posted: 1/12/2014 9:48:25 AM

Its Human Nature! seeking friendships and relationships.


IMO there is a lot of confusion about what constitutes a relationship. For a lot of people, a relationship is all about marriage. People have been told for thousands of years that you can't have a real relationship and real love unless it gets the A-OK, thumbs up from God via the church wedding ceremony and the main or only purpose of marriage is to breed-to produce more future God fearing people who will secure the financial future of church. That's why the majority of (female) profiles I see say they are looking for a long term, serious relationship. Anything less and having fun is a no-no for many.
 BlasphemousBombshell
Joined: 11/19/2013
Msg: 50
I'm rather confused as to why people seek relationships.
Posted: 1/12/2014 1:35:34 PM
Humans are social creatures by nature. Sex is about reproduction but relationships are ultimately about increasing the chance for survival. Humans are meant to live in a clan setting, sharing their labor and the fruits there of. That's why we and all primates increase dopamine and oxytocin via vocalization, grooming, etc.
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