Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > When should a mature lady become more proactive?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 4Forums
Joined: 1/15/2014
Msg: 26
When should a mature lady become more proactive? Page 2 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
A woman need to be proactive because, a man needs to know he is desired. A man does not have to initiate everything.
I never was in the chase or looking for a challenge. It is a waste of time, money and playing games. You have mutual attraction. You either click or you don't.
 MS.ICENI
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 27
view profile
History
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/21/2014 3:28:10 PM
"I have learned the hard way that being enthusiastic and proactive is the kiss of death."

I totally agree. Most everyone here have stated wait. If he's interested, he will pursue. If not, then you have your answer to his intention.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 28
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/21/2014 4:56:18 PM

A woman need to be proactive because, a man needs to know he is desired.


Didn't you read section 3.5, sub-section 4.72 of the dating handbook, where it states "Guys are expected to be mind readers and should know what a woman is thinking and feeling at all times"? Use your special powers to know if you're desired. Communicating is only used as a last resort.
 4Forums
Joined: 1/15/2014
Msg: 29
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/21/2014 7:26:50 PM
[Didn't you read section 3.5, sub-section 4.72 of the dating handbook, where it states "Guys are expected to be mind readers and should know what a woman is thinking and feeling at all times"?]

Did you not read that I said you either click or you don't? I am not Marvin the mind reader. If a woman wants a man to read their mind, then go to some 2 bit carney hypnotist, a tarot card or palm reader.
 ozsealady1
Joined: 6/13/2013
Msg: 30
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/22/2014 12:21:28 AM
Update.

He has sent me a few texts via the site over the last couple of days.

I have replied asking him to call me.
"I also had a lot of fun on Sunday and enjoyed your company.
Very much.
Would welcome more.
Call me" and gave him my ph0ne number again.

His reply .... "you will have to let me know when you are free to say hi again in person"

"Looking forward to hearing from you.
Call me so we can synchronise our diaries. :)"

So I think I have made it very clear I want him to call me, rather than me again making the phone call.

Gentlemen.... is this sufficiently clear or am I still expecting him to be a mind reader?

Now again I guess I wait.

Agrrrrrhhhhhh


p.s. Had a first meet with another man for lunch today - was arranged last week.
No comparison. Sweet man but I nearly fell asleep during lunch I was so bored.
Chalk and cheese.
If I never hear from him again it would not bother me at all.
He suggested at the end of the lunch that I invite him sailing if I ever want someone with no experience whatsoever.

Why does this have to be sooooooo complex.
Uggggghhhhhhh
 sassyscorpiochick
Joined: 9/29/2010
Msg: 31
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/22/2014 12:55:11 AM
I really feel for you. This should not be that hard. It wasn't when we were 17.

I am in the same boat. I am afraid to be too aggressive because he broke things off with the last woman he was dating because he said she was clingy.

I am trying really hard to be patient. I got an email from him today that was kind of flirty and I had to think of a flirty response back. This is ridiculous. It was easier in Jr. High. Hi I like you. do you want to go steady, lol
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 32
view profile
History
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/22/2014 2:54:01 AM
How many times are you going to say: Call me to this guy, OP?

He's already acting like a blushing maiden.

I don't know what you find attractive about this behavior. The dynamic of this relationship has been firmly established already. He's going to wait for you to ask him out again, because this is how this whole thing started.

If you want a guy who asks you out, you have to wait until he does. If you're the pursuer in the beginning and then change the script, don't be surprised if the guy doesn't clue in. Plus, the ones you say you want are going to be turned off by your aggressive behavior, so you're always going to end up with the ones you say you don't want.

And because this is such a recurring pattern with you, I will repeat what I said initially: If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.

If you want something different, you'll have to learn to exercise some self control.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 33
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/22/2014 4:05:05 AM
A few things:

First, while this guy may be interested - it's simply too soon to have enough information. You have to spend more time with him to get a better feel for what his intentions are. If he is looking to hit the bedroom only, you'll get enough hints and redirection in conversation to be able to weed it out. Just enjoy the attraction and all without letting it cloud your logical judgement and common sense. If this is difficult just imagine a friend of yours coming to you with your story. What would you advise her to do?

Second, you saw him now two or three days ago which isn't a lot of time. He very well still may contact you in the next couple days. Don't hold out for him to make plans on the weekend - if you get an offer to meet someone or go out with friends, take it. If he does call tell him you wish you had heard from him sooner but you made other plans, then make alternative plans.

Third, I'd try and make plans to do something unrelated to the Feb 14th birthday and then during that time mention that concert, the fact that you bought two tickets in case you wanted to take someone and then let him comment on that. What he says will determine what you should do. If he mentions being the one you take in any way (likely as a joke), then tell him that because it's your birthday and it's Feb 14th you didn't want to ask and have him feel like it was a big deal.

3a. Who knows, one more meeting with the guy may make you decide you don't want him to go - you never know. People can say something in a conversation that changes your interest completely. Keep an open mind.

Fourth, I don't agree that being proactive is the kiss of death. I do believe however that you need to give someone something to work with, and enough room to act on it. Like a tennis match, showing interest and letting him take the next step shows interest from both sides - something both sides need in order to continue participating. I don't believe men should do all the work, and I don't think they should sit back and do none of it. I believe it should be a nice easy even exchange between parties.

I'll let a guy know I would be open to getting together if he shows interest - and if I am the one that initiates conversation and I show interest, I will not make any more moves until he steps to the line and takes a step. Doesn't matter who takes what step so much as both are wanting to participate.

Based on your follow up responses, this guy sounds like he's keeping you on ice or is undecided enough about this not to put much more thought and effort into him. I'd stop responding all together until he steps off the wall.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 34
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/22/2014 4:26:05 AM
I have replied asking him to call me.
Call me" and gave him my ph0ne number again.

His reply .... "you will have to let me know when you are free to say hi again in person"

"Looking forward to hearing from you.
Call me so we can synchronise our diaries. :)"

So I think I have made it very clear I want him to call me, rather than me again making the phone call.

good lord! two people that keep telling each other to "call me". somebody should bang the both of your heads together. why are you making this so kafkaesque??? this is like a bizarre Chinese firedrill where whoever says "call me" last is the keeper of the keys to the kingdom. so tag, you're it and just pick up the phone already and call him


is this sufficiently clear or am I still expecting him to be a mind reader?

Now again I guess I wait.

of course it's not sufficiently clear. that's why he felt compelled to ask you for a time to call for some strange reason, which you then failed provide. therefore, your instructions were vague and incomplete, and thus confusing. so yes, you'll have to wait for him to call while he simultaneously waits for more specific direction from you which will apparently not be forthcoming. and good luck with that.

do you want to be more proactive?? I don't believe you for a second. I think you want to be just a passive as you've always been and then blame the man for not paying attention.

otherwise stop your typing and go pick up the bloody phone.


I think the two of you could have a lot of fun together if you would just quit with this nonsense. I hope you will.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 35
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/22/2014 5:16:43 AM

"I have learned the hard way that being enthusiastic and proactive is the kiss of death."

I totally agree. Most everyone here have stated wait. If he's interested, he will pursue. If not, then you have your answer to his intention.



I'll ask, cause I can.

If "both" the male and female have this idea of sitting and waiting for the other, what do you think will happen other than two people staring at the horizen to the west waiting to see that sun rise???
 usmale6
Joined: 9/14/2013
Msg: 36
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/22/2014 6:25:08 AM
Lol, you can't ask a guy to call you. Why? - because it's weird! Think about it... when somebody wants to talk to another, you don't ask them to call you - you do it yourself and call them. Clue: what would you do with a friend? A relationship is a friendship on fire with romance and affection to turn up the heat.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 37
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/22/2014 6:51:26 AM
When she contacts me, I think that it the best time for a woman to become proactive.
 ozsealady1
Joined: 6/13/2013
Msg: 38
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/22/2014 1:13:53 PM
Got my phone call.

He sent me a text asking if I was still awake just after 10pm last night.
I responded with a text yes.

He called and we then spoke on the phone for over 40 mins.

I agree this is comical from the outside.
But in my defence it is not often that a man makes me feel like this when in his company.

We both have a busy weekend so probably won't be able to get together till next week.
He is quite open as I am as to what we are doing.
He did suggest I could come to his place tomorrow night.
The only time between now and next week that we both have free.

Whilst I would welcome escalating the intimacy.
Am not sure I could control myself.
I have suggested that he could join me in some of my weekend activities but there will be other people there as well.
A party on Friday, Sailing on the weekend plus a free Symphony in the Park concert.
Sydney is fabulous this time of year!!!!

His answer - maybe.

At least I now know his surname lol

Thank you all.

Regarding my birthday concert I will wait till I see him in person again before even thinking about it.
My family celebration is 0n another day as it usually is.
14th Feb generally has couples choosing to spend time with each other.
And... yes... at this moment in time - ALL of my close friends are part of a couple.
Otherwise I would have already invited one of them to join me.

May take an acquaintance.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 39
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/23/2014 12:12:03 AM
Count me as a fan of the "scheduled" telephone call, especially the introductory ones.
What I don't want is people calling willy-nilly at anytime of the day or night. I'd rather be "expecting" a call.

That is why when writing a woman I say:
Tuesday is my night at the gym. Will you be around to speak at 9:30 pm or is 10:00 better for you?"
 Princess12524
Joined: 12/23/2013
Msg: 40
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/23/2014 5:00:41 AM
How many times are you going to say: Call me to this guy, OP?
she's already trained him to expect HER to do all the work.


He's already acting like a blushing maiden.
I'd call it a "lazy player"


I don't know what you find attractive about this behavior. The dynamic of this relationship has been firmly established already. He's going to wait for you to ask him out again, because this is how this whole thing started.
exactly- you chase, he hems & haws & dangles a carrot that u r starving for..


If you want a guy who asks you out, you have to wait until he does. If you're the pursuer in the beginning and then change the script, don't be surprised if the guy doesn't clue in. Plus, the ones you say you want are going to be turned off by your aggressive behavior, so you're always going to end up with the ones you say you don't want.
Exactly.


And because this is such a recurring pattern with you, I will repeat what I said initially: If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.



If you want something different, you'll have to learn to exercise some self control.

Op instead of focussing on this man, perhaps you should focus on YOURSELF & why you engage in such behaviors.




Got my phone call.

He sent me a text asking if I was still awake just after 10pm last night.
booty call time!



He called and we then spoke on the phone for over 40 mins.

I agree this is comical from the outside.
But in my defence it is not often that a man makes me feel like this when in his company.

We both have a busy weekend so probably won't be able to get together till next week.
If a man wants to see a woman, he will be avaialable even if for 1 hour for a quick drink- how far away does he live???

He is quite open as I am as to what we are doing.
He did suggest I could come to his place tomorrow night.
The only time between now and next week that we both have free.

OP because you have been chasing him, he is offering you a booty call ONLY!


Whilst I would welcome escalating the intimacy.
Am not sure I could control myself.
I have suggested that he could join me in some of my weekend activities but there will be other people there as well.
A party on Friday, Sailing on the weekend plus a free Symphony in the Park concert.
Sydney is fabulous this time of year!!!!

His answer - maybe.
You already cannot control yourself- he said maybe in case there is no other available vagina- sorry to put it so bluntly!



Regarding my birthday concert I will wait till I see him in person again before even thinking about it.
My family celebration is 0n another day as it usually is.
14th Feb generally has couples choosing to spend time with each other.
And... yes... at this moment in time - ALL of my close friends are part of a couple.
Otherwise I would have already invited one of them to join me.

May take an acquaintance.
Sounds like the best idea!



I think he just wants you to go his place. And you know what forIf you know his whole name try to do a background check on him. He seems really evasive to me about not really wanting to do activities together and meet your friends. It is way too early for all that he probably feels. Quite honestly I think he just wants to get down to the nitty gritty. So go to his house and see what happens if you want to. It is your call. You are not babies or teenagers. But no balloon no party if you are wise. I wouldnt be thinking so far ahead as next month, right now, either.



p.s. Had a first meet with another man for lunch today - was arranged last week.
No comparison. Sweet man but I nearly fell asleep during lunch I was so bored.
Chalk and cheese.
If I never hear from him again it would not bother me at all.
He suggested at the end of the lunch that I invite him sailing if I ever want someone with no experience whatsoever.
I'd ask myself why I am attracted only to unavailable men & reject a sweet man- I'd invite HIM to the concert, not Mr. Booty Call.


Why does this have to be sooooooo complex.
Uggggghhhhhhh

It doesn't- it is YOU who choose to behave this way. Clean your own side of the street OP. You can only change yourself, not other people.
 usmale6
Joined: 9/14/2013
Msg: 41
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/23/2014 9:22:24 AM

Got my phone call.

He sent me a text asking if I was still awake just after 10pm last night.
I responded with a text yes.

He called and we then spoke on the phone for over 40 mins.


- I do appreciate you being helpful and it sounds good on the surface that you got your phone call, but that's a little late for a phone call... and he knows it... asking if you are still awake, lol... I smell player.







He did suggest I could come to his place tomorrow night.
The only time between now and next week that we both have free.



- Not even dinner out first?! Oh my! Yes, I smell a player!



I have suggested that he could join me in some of my weekend activities but there will be other people there as well.
A party on Friday, Sailing on the weekend plus a free Symphony in the Park concert.
Sydney is fabulous this time of year!!!!

His answer - maybe.


- Well, he's right - this was a bad idea on your part... no group dates for the first six months... it's hard to judge intent and love level... plus we relate differently in a group vs. one-on-one.

I hate to say it, but this guy is a little lacking in the romance department... do you smell the coffee?! - it's not even a coffee date, it's just your place or mine. What a wiener! You want a winner not a wiener, a keeper not a creeper!
 activemelaney
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 42
view profile
History
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/23/2014 9:30:24 AM
This whole thread is making me squirm.

If this guy was into you, he would have sent a warm thank you immediately. The next day he would have made the effort to contact you and suggested a specific time and place to get together....definitely not his place! Sorry, this guy is literally going to charm the pants off of you while he searching for another woman.

Why do you have such low self esteem? This guy can't be bothered and then INSULTS you by asking you to his place. If he cared he would have spent every awake moment planning something special for the two of you. Something that was comfortable for you...not convenient for him. As for lacking in the romantic area...no, he is quite capable of putting up that front when he wants to...no need with you. You are 'easy'.

Good grief. What a sad, sad situation...smitten by a complete jerk. Reminds me of a 13 year old falling for her older brother's cool friend.
 Moonchild51
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 43
view profile
History
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/23/2014 11:05:01 AM
I don't think the OP suffers from low self esteem necessarily. She obviously likes this fellow and wants it to go further is all.

However, OP, I have now changed my mind on my initial post. I think this man is definately looking for sex, and nothing more. His lacking in the contact department, late calls, suggestions for going to his house.

You are a big girl. If you want to take the guy at face value and have a little fun without expecting more, hey go for it. Again, I re-iterate that I really do not think the guy is going to make relationship material. Good luck honey, whatever you decide
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 44
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/23/2014 11:26:21 AM
It's been my experience if someone is interested in you, they
make an effort to be with you. Even if it's just a quick call or
a short meet for a coffee.

Someone that is really impressed and intrigued will make
plans for a second meeting right after the first. Since you did
that, it was up to him to follow through.

He didn't. He's not all that interested, but he could be if you keep
hounding him. You might call it being proactive, but really you're
just chasing him and hoping he'll stop for a moment and take a
serious interest in you.

The things we do for a relationship.
 slowitalldown
Joined: 1/25/2013
Msg: 45
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/23/2014 12:29:31 PM
I wouldnt have been concerned if someone invited me to their home after we knew each other.

But when a man invites a complete stranger to his home, to me that's a huge red flag. And if he kept repeatedly inviting me to go to his home when I had already made it clear that did not make me comfortable, I think I would lose his number pronto.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 46
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/23/2014 1:18:50 PM
As the general question should a mature lady become more proactive, I say yes. There are simply less available qualty men at age 50 and older that are single and looking than there are women.

But I think the time to get “proactive” is in the search mode. Looking for a date / meet and contacting them. (By proactive I think we mean more aggressive.)

Once you have gone on a date or two with someone I don't think there is a need to be proactive. It can be negative if you aren't into or get let down by casual sex.

As to the specific question the OP had about her current situation, I didn't have time to really analyze her statements, so I can't comment about that.

The negative about being too aggressive for a woman after meeting is that plenty of men will go along with this even if they don't see a future. So you probably get the booty call, but not the LTR.

However, jumping into bed with the right person, I don't think it affects the long term relationship, it will work out whether you do this or not. While jumping into bed with someone you aren't well matched to won't make them a good match.

IMO the biggest negative is to artificially hold back, if you don't feel attraction, don't try and force it or hope it will grow, and if you feel mutual attraction, don't try and play coy. Not being your true self just gets confusing and sends mixed singles to the other person.

I will agree game playing on etiher side can often result in short term gains, if that is what one is looking for, then go for it. But longer term I don't think it works well.
 or_current_resident
Joined: 6/3/2013
Msg: 47
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/23/2014 4:02:41 PM

If you do what you'vee always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.


Hummmm, if thats the case here….then the question without a answer is not needed…..

imo, I understand it's early between these 2…. & hope they both can find a 'common ground' to continue…..

Patience is a virtue……and true understanding, core values, trust, honesty does take time into wisdom…..

Proactive goes hand in hand if the chemistry is there……never can be one side or the other…jmo
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 48
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/24/2014 10:35:05 AM

(They two lived in an open marriage, and there were all kinds of aunts and uncles parading and prancing through our house, naked, which was okay after I turned fifteen, because dad would let me sample some of his girflriends, if I brought home an A or A+ in math, or in Russian language.)

Yeah, I bet.
Pull the other one, whydontcha?

As for the OP, all I can do is suggest that she use her own best instincts and realize that it may not go the way he hopes-or maybe it will.
Cindy O
 LoneScottishBoy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 49
view profile
History
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/24/2014 11:39:19 AM

They two lived in an open marriage, and there were all kinds of aunts and uncles parading and prancing through our house, naked, which was okay after I turned fifteen, because dad would let me sample some of his girflriends,


Ahhhhhhh...the joys of medical marijuana......PPPPFFFFFFFFFTTTTTT!
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 50
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/24/2014 2:49:08 PM
When should anyone become more proactive? Now! Immediately! You aren't going to live forever. Tell people how you feel. Put yourself out there! Be honest with yourself and everyone you come in contact with.
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > When should a mature lady become more proactive?