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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > When should a mature lady become more proactive?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Princess12524
Joined: 12/23/2013
Msg: 51
When should a mature lady become more proactive? Page 3 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Ps: in my opinion, pay no attention to msg 47. Too much negativity and games in the post that doesn't seem to apply to you.
The phone call should have taken place earlier though...
Too much texting and messaging

I stand by my post(s)...the truth is not always pretty & I don't sugar-coat BUT OP if you want a fling- go for it- if you want a relationship, don't go for it. I agree too much texting & messaging & not enough phone & face to face time.
 Ilovechristmas25
Joined: 1/21/2014
Msg: 52
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/25/2014 8:07:05 AM
You want some man to be with you on Valentine's Day and your birthday. Doesn't seem he isn't proactive at all after the main event you had for five hours. Now you want to take on the male role of pursuer, lets get perfectly honest you'll never be happy with it. Women want to feel they are desired not that they have to chase a man and ask men out on dates. If you are traditional, if he doesn't call back, he wasn't all that interested in you. By the way I'm 49 years old and I'll be d*mn if I'm chasing after some dude.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 53
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/25/2014 9:06:46 AM
You can’t possibly know if he’s terrific or not yet. You don’t know him.
He doesn’t seem to be as excited about, or interested in, seeing each other as you are. I wouldn’t want that.
As to the fling idea, while I’m not against flings theoretically, I don’t see how it would be possible to have a fling with this man without being hurt since you’re so emotionally invested in him.
I’d stop contacting him. I wouldn’t be proactive. Not any more.
IF he contacts you, watch and listen for a good long while (I mean lots of hours, several dates or events together) to see if this is a sincere caring person who cares about YOU before deciding if he is a terrific person for you. I think he’s going to disappear, but I could be wrong.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 54
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/25/2014 10:36:21 AM
I feel if she really fancies the guy she should go for it but at her house and under her conditions.

Why does this have to be at one or the others' house and be a sexcapade right off the bat?

OP, my instinct would be to NOT plan on having this guy be your date for the Valentine/birthday concert event.

But there is no harm in maintaining a conversation with the man. If he continues to pressure for a session in his place or yours, then I think you have to consider whether you want to run the risk of it just being a one-and-done for him.

As far as your supposedly limited opportunities for a weiner ride because you are over fifty?
bull-freakin'-shit.

So continue to be mildly proactive with the guy, seek to have him join you in low(or no) cost activities in public venues.

But for your concert? either get a friend or relative to accompany you, or sell the tickets to someone who can use them.
You COULD mention the tickets and put a spin on why you have them-see if he takes the bait, so to speak.
Or go by yourself though it does seem a shame to waste a ticket.

However I would rather not die wondering, it were me.

Hell, if I were to jump on every weiner that waved at my 60-yr old ass, for fear of passing away wondering about whether I missed something- I'd be plumb wore out.
Cindy O
 Princess12524
Joined: 12/23/2013
Msg: 55
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/26/2014 5:36:21 AM
OP listen to the advice in above post- I am in agreement w/ her 100%- she worded it way better than I did- but we have the same thought process.

If you want some fun sex, yeah, if you want a relationship, contact the "boring" guy you met for lunch.

How exciting is rejection anyway???
 Ilovechristmas25
Joined: 1/21/2014
Msg: 56
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/26/2014 7:00:15 AM
I 2nd the above advice. Men love to play games, you just play the same one(s) and see how reacts when he knows you've caught onto it.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 57
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/26/2014 11:24:19 AM
I think I need to make the observation that there are plenty of honest, decent men with honorable dating goals who
are very far from boring!

When somebody says, "forget the guy that attracts you and go instead for the 'nice guy' who bores you to tears" do you realize you are adding fuel to the "treat women mean, keep 'em keen" and "women only go for bad boys" crapola?

IF the guy does turn out to be just looking for a one-time legover encounter, is the OP going to sustain some sort of permanent irreparable damage?

Let's leave the cries of "unplanned pregnancy!" and "stds!" OUT of this particular discussion-it is, after all, the forum for (theoretically) mature adults, and address the concern that the man may or may not be some kind of "player"-so what should the OP do?
Throw up her hands in resignation and either go pair up with an interested by unappealing/boring guy simply based on his availability? Stay single/quit dating?
I repeat my opinion that the OP can step up her proactiveness a little, but that she should not hitch a lot of hope to having this guy as her wonder Valentines Day concert date. If it works out fine, if not....

Hey wait a minute, why doesn't SHE become a player and invite the boring guy to the concert, so as she's not (gasp!! Shudder!!) DATELESS on Valentines Day-then after encouraging his hopes she can dump his ass and reinforce(for him, at least) the popular belief that nice guys get used and the bad boys get the girls.

OP, I'm sorry you are approaching the Valentine's Day holiday as an unpartnered female. If all you want is a date for that concert, by all means latch onto this guy by whatever methods necessary. If your goal is more of a longterm relationship scenario, you can be a bit more proactive but don't try to meet a "deadline".

Whatever you decide to do, however it all turns out, rest assured that the world WILL NOT stop turning.
Cindy O
 DoubleParked
Joined: 10/22/2008
Msg: 58
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/26/2014 11:55:49 AM
OP, I've read a lot of your posts and you come across as a woman who knows what and who she wants, when she sees him/it. Kudos to you. Some men appreciate a woman like you--- some might be a bit taken aback by your forthrightness.

I suggest that those men who waffle and are wishy washy are not a good match for you at all. When you run across them, even though they be quite attractive to you, just sigh and walk the other way. You will always feel like the aggressor, always feel like you need to take the initiative, the masculine role, and you will tire of being viewed as someone you are not. As in You're Not the Guy.

You need to find a guy who is strong, physically, psychologically, who knows his own mind and appreciates your feminine qualities, your female strength, your female down to earth-ed-ness. No wimps allowed.

There are some guys in the world who are not intimidated by strong women. (I hope) . Hard to find, I agree.

BTW A reluctant date would just be a drag. ;-(
 ozsealady1
Joined: 6/13/2013
Msg: 59
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/26/2014 7:53:50 PM
Thank you all.
These comments have made me do a lot of thinking and self analysing.

So here we go:

SELF ESTEEM..... I have it in bucket loads. One of my favourite comments is "I am a legend in my own lunch box"

BOOTY CALL Horrible term. A 10pm phone call with general conversation to arrange a time to have our next meeting and activity in my mind is just that. A phone call.
A Booty Call is a phone call saying come over now for sex.

PLAYER Another Horrible term. Not sure what it means. I choose to define it as someone who treats you or others in a manner that you do not want. In that case - yes - I agree, eliminate a person like this from your life.

WHAT ADVICE WOULD I GIVE A FRIEND?
Do what feels right. Go for it. There are no rules. Despite that silly book - although I do agree with the advice in that book where you ensure you are a delight to be with so the other person wants to be with you. That is good advice for everyone.
"All's fair in love and war" No rules.

I think my problem is that in recent years I have had difficulty finding a nice, age appropriate man.
I live in an area, do things and have friends where almost everyone is a couple.
I detest clubs and pubs so do not go as there will be people who like clubs and pubs.
Hence most of the single men I meet, by far, are from the internet.

I think I have been doing too much self analysing and listening to people saying things like.... "Don't bugger this one up" " Let him do the chasing" "Take it easy" "Don't come on too strong" "Don't let him know you like him"

Rethinking my initial post saying that a woman being proactive is the kiss of death ... I have changed my mind.

I 'chased' and proposed to my husband of 23 years.
Was proactive in most of my other 'relationships' so have been romantically happy by my own doing for most of my adult life. And I never had a 'DATE' with any of them.
We simply met and did things together.

I think the 'kiss of death' is nothing more than the same 'rejection' that men complain about constantly.
If I make contact with say 100 men.... guaranteed not all 100 will think I am fabulous and want to marry me.
Even typing such a sentence is ridiculous.
And that is what I have experienced recently.
Making contact with men - meeting and then either one of us looses interest.
If is me who looses interest then it does not cause me any heartache.
If I am keen and they are not - this is what I tend to remember.

So I will follow my own advice.
Throw out the rule book.
Do what feels right.
Call him if I want to call him.
Invite him to meet if I want.

The worst he can say is no.
And then I am back to where I was before I met him.
Except I have had the joy of spending time with a man I find fascinating.

p.s. Since my last post we have had dinner together and other communications in between a busy few days.

And I am looking forward to spending more time with him.
Articulate, intelligent, child and wife free, active, healthy, employed, sensual, charming and attractive to me men are hard to find. Add in the ... he is interested in me as well......

My advice to a friend....

'GO FOR IT GIRL'
 Ilovechristmas25
Joined: 1/21/2014
Msg: 60
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/26/2014 9:38:58 PM
There is being proactive and then there is taking over a typical traditional male role. It's all in what you want. If you want to pursue a man instead of the opposite get use to always doing it. It's not changing he knows he has you and he can just sit back and do nothing.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 61
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/27/2014 12:59:46 PM

He does sound too good to be true and have to wonder why he is on a dating site and/or is free but only time will tell if he is telling the truth and is all he appears.

So only crappy dishonest guys are on dating sites?
That hasn't been the larger percentage of my experiences.

Yeah, one does need to keep one's wits about them but believe me, there are liars, cheaters and "hollow pie" guys out there who have never come NEAR the internet dating scene.

Maybe the guy is super busy, maybe he prefers to date outside his immediate social circle and physical neighborhood for perfectly logical and benign reasons.

Now, for the POSITIVE comment;
here is another case where the forums have fulfilled one of their intended purposes, to help a PoF member sort out their thoughts and feelings about some aspect of their dating situation .
I'm just really kind of surprised at how many women -that I thought had a more upbeat outlook!-have tried to make this man out to be a player, or to have serious hidden defects ...
Crabs in a bucket again?
Cindy O
 Proteaus
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 62
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/27/2014 2:08:07 PM
Going back to the topic . I think women should become proactive by the time they hit forty . Once they pass forty that is when the men over fifty will want to date them and once they pass fifty the men over sixty will want to date them . So on and so forth and yes I realize there are always some exceptions .
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 63
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/27/2014 2:37:40 PM
Not wanting to be contentious or anything, but is what's being said here, that men over 50 and men over 60 lose all power to approach a woman?
And where is it written that once one passes 40, one must resign to dating men at least 10 yrs their senior? I hate to have to say this, but once past 45-50 for many women are truly the "golden" years. Kids are raised, the spouse has gone out of the picture( due to divorce or death),retirement is fast approaching (or has arrived)- I'm not sure that I can see the majority of 40+ women signing up for the greater risks( of becoming a caregiver, or having to bury a partner), not without giving some serious thought to the matter, and at least making a serious effort to date men around her own age or perhaps a bit younger.
I know that conventional wisdom has advised mature women who want to marry again, to go for men nearing elderly status. But a lot of women are saying to hell with that noise.
And that, friends and neighbors, is another facet of "proactive" that many mature ladies have already adopted.

I can't see women over 40 accepting that their dating pool is confined to those 10 or more years older.
I think most women want to date men closer to their own age and also compatible activity and health levels.
And there are all sorts of ways to be proactive without being labeled as unfeminine or desperate.
Cindy O
 ozsealady1
Joined: 6/13/2013
Msg: 64
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/27/2014 11:37:46 PM
Hurrumph.

I have told a fib.
Just went back and checked.
He made the first, free, contact via the dating site saying I had a great profile.
I replied with a paid email.

So he really did make the first move.
My entire post is fallacy.

Ahh well.

And he is younger than me.
Not 10 years older.

We ladies of a certain age can go up or down.
 Princess12524
Joined: 12/23/2013
Msg: 65
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/28/2014 6:00:56 AM
Thank you all.
These comments have made me do a lot of thinking and self analysing.

So here we go:

SELF ESTEEM..... I have it in bucket loads. One of my favourite comments is "I am a legend in my own lunch box"

BOOTY CALL Horrible term. A 10pm phone call with general conversation to arrange a time to have our next meeting and activity in my mind is just that. A phone call.
A Booty Call is a phone call saying come over now for sex.

PLAYER Another Horrible term. Not sure what it means. I choose to define it as someone who treats you or others in a manner that you do not want. In that case - yes - I agree, eliminate a person like this from your life.

WHAT ADVICE WOULD I GIVE A FRIEND?
Do what feels right. Go for it. There are no rules. Despite that silly book - although I do agree with the advice in that book where you ensure you are a delight to be with so the other person wants to be with you. That is good advice for everyone.
"All's fair in love and war" No rules.

I think my problem is that in recent years I have had difficulty finding a nice, age appropriate man.
I live in an area, do things and have friends where almost everyone is a couple.
I detest clubs and pubs so do not go as there will be people who like clubs and pubs.
Hence most of the single men I meet, by far, are from the internet.

I think I have been doing too much self analysing and listening to people saying things like.... "Don't bugger this one up" " Let him do the chasing" "Take it easy" "Don't come on too strong" "Don't let him know you like him"

Rethinking my initial post saying that a woman being proactive is the kiss of death ... I have changed my mind.

I 'chased' and proposed to my husband of 23 years.
Was proactive in most of my other 'relationships' so have been romantically happy by my own doing for most of my adult life. And I never had a 'DATE' with any of them.
We simply met and did things together.

I think the 'kiss of death' is nothing more than the same 'rejection' that men complain about constantly.
If I make contact with say 100 men.... guaranteed not all 100 will think I am fabulous and want to marry me.
Even typing such a sentence is ridiculous.
And that is what I have experienced recently.
Making contact with men - meeting and then either one of us looses interest.
If is me who looses interest then it does not cause me any heartache.
If I am keen and they are not - this is what I tend to remember.

So I will follow my own advice.
Throw out the rule book.
Do what feels right.
Call him if I want to call him.
Invite him to meet if I want.

The worst he can say is no.
And then I am back to where I was before I met him.
Except I have had the joy of spending time with a man I find fascinating.

p.s. Since my last post we have had dinner together and other communications in between a busy few days.

And I am looking forward to spending more time with him.
Articulate, intelligent, child and wife free, active, healthy, employed, sensual, charming and attractive to me men are hard to find. Add in the ... he is interested in me as well......

My advice to a friend....

'GO FOR IT GIRL'

Hurrumph.

I have told a fib.
Just went back and checked.
He made the first, free, contact via the dating site saying I had a great profile.
I replied with a paid email.


So he really did make the first move.
My entire post is fallacy.

Ahh well.

And he is younger than me.
Not 10 years older.


We ladies of a certain age can go up or down.

Got my phone call.

He sent me a text asking if I was still awake just after 10pm last night.
I responded with a text yes.

He called and we then spoke on the phone for over 40 mins.

I agree this is comical from the outside.
But in my defence it is not often that a man makes me feel like this when in his company.

We both have a busy weekend so probably won't be able to get together till next week.
He is quite open as I am as to what we are doing.
He did suggest I could come to his place tomorrow night.
The only time between now and next week that we both have free.

Whilst I would welcome escalating the intimacy.
Am not sure I could control myself.
I have suggested that he could join me in some of my weekend activities but there will be other people there as well.
A party on Friday, Sailing on the weekend plus a free Symphony in the Park concert.
Sydney is fabulous this time of year!!!!

His answer - maybe.

At least I now know his surname lol

Thank you all.

Regarding my birthday concert I will wait till I see him in person again before even thinking about it.
My family celebration is 0n another day as it usually is.
14th Feb generally has couples choosing to spend time with each other.
And... yes... at this moment in time - ALL of my close friends are part of a couple.
Otherwise I would have already invited one of them to join me.

May take an acquaintance.


Update.

He has sent me a few texts via the site over the last couple of days.

I have replied asking him to call me.
"I also had a lot of fun on Sunday and enjoyed your company.
Very much.
Would welcome more.
Call me" and gave him my ph0ne number again.

His reply .... "you will have to let me know when you are free to say hi again in person"

"Looking forward to hearing from you.
Call me so we can synchronise our diaries. :)"

So I think I have made it very clear I want him to call me, rather than me again making the phone call.

Gentlemen.... is this sufficiently clear or am I still expecting him to be a mind reader?

Now again I guess I wait.

Agrrrrrhhhhhh



p.s. Had a first meet with another man for lunch today - was arranged last week.
No comparison. Sweet man but I nearly fell asleep during lunch I was so bored.
Chalk and cheese.
If I never hear from him again it would not bother me at all.
He suggested at the end of the lunch that I invite him sailing if I ever want someone with no experience whatsoever.

Why does this have to be sooooooo complex.
Uggggghhhhhhh



He has sent me a message via the dating site.
Saying he had a lot of fun on Sunday.

My reply 2 hours later - (timing not on purpose I just checked)
"As did I.
You excelled yourself sir.
The chilled glasses were inspired.
Give me a call.
Home tonight. "

Up till now he has either sent me a text or via the site message and then I have called him.
I checked my phone - he has never initiated a phone call.
About time he did.


Thank you all.
Still no invitation to another date but at least he made some contact after the weekend.

Yes I did thank him on Sunday and told him I had a wonderful day and absolutely enjoyed his company.

I even got out of my car and walked over to his for yet another kiss goodbye before leaving.

So I have probably been over enthusiastic already.


Thank you all. So many different opinions and such varied advice.

Some additional info:
I made the initial internet contact - on a different paid site - not here.
Our common interest was kayaking - he is a lifelong kayaker and for me it is a new interest and I was looking to buy my own.

First meet was at a brilliant Kayak shop he suggested with a huge range to take a look at what was available.
I was going to a party in his area so he suggested that he show me the shop before the party.
We live just over an hour apart.


We had a coffee and he invited me to come to his house to stay overnight after the party.
I said thanks but no. Did invite him to join me at the party - he declined.
Then the bubbly -MOET was used as incentive.

I said thank you but I would not be calling him to stay at his house tonight but I would like to see him again.

Next day he contacted me to ask if I found something better than sleeping in the car, couch or floor.
I didn't drink much so drove home. We had more communication on the Sunday.

I sent him a message during the week to say I had bought a Kayak.
A few days later he said that his rudder was broken otherwise he would challenge me to a race.


I suggested - via type chat on the dating site - a champagne breakfast - with his said bottle of MOET to launch my kayak and christen her. A bit tongue in cheek.
After a short break - which to me seemed like an eternity of silence to me - he typed - "What a great idea. How about somewhere half way?"


We enjoyed each other's company so much the kayak did not even get off the car.

So.... no I am not waiting for the fairytale being swept off my feet.
And yes I have been proactive to a point so far.
Am trying to find the balance between 'assertive' / 'impatient' / 'too enthusiastic' / 'desperate' / 'interested' and all the rest. And yes!!!! there is mutual chemistry ..... fireworks from my end.

I just don't want to make the mistakes I have done in the past of coming on too strong and scaring him away.
Too much too soon.

Current thought is to wait - I have now waited over 1 day.
Perhaps call him tonight and say thank you for a wonderful Sunday and try to gauge his interest over the phone.

I wish this was easier lol

Hello all.

My question is aimed at us more mature people.
I have met, twice, an absolutely wonderful man.
First meet was 2 hours and he invited me to his place .... I declined but said I would really like to see him again.

Fast forward 1 week.

Second meet / first date was a picnic, in public, yesterday, beside a river half way between us - he brought a bottle of MOET, cheese and other munchies, picnic blanket etc
We spent 5 wonderful hours together.
I am smitten.


Now...
How long do I wait for him to contact me?
In every other part of my life if I want something I go for it.
Love is entirely different.
I have learned the hard way that being enthusiastic and proactive is the kiss of death.
I will say that I made the suggestion of a picnic.... he had told me he had a bottle of MOET in the fridge as an incentive for me to come to his place following the first meet.

Also my birthday is coming up. 14th of Feb. Yep Valentines Day.

I have 2 tickets to a twilight, live concert on Sydney Harbour.
Purchased a few months ago with the hope I would have someone wonderful to invite.

Most of my friends and family are attached and being Valentines Day they are otherwise occupied
Is it too soon to invite him along. It is my birthday and Valentines Day after all.

All comments and suggesti0ns welcome.

***************************************************************************************

I think my problem is that in recent years I have had difficulty finding a nice, age appropriate man.
If you are having difficulty over time, that tell me something is not right, either you are approaching it the wrong way or have to do some internal work. Or perhaps you need to let him FIND you! From reading your posts in this thread you do sound controlling.

Articulate, intelligent, child and wife free, active, healthy, employed, sensual, charming and attractive to me men are hard to find. Add in the ... he is interested in me as well......
Perhaps your standards are a wee bit unrealistic, plus the 2nd part of your statement: "
Add in the ... he is interested in me as well......
Maybe you need to work on yourself to increase your interested quotient.

He made the first, free, contact via the dating site saying I had a great profile.
I replied with a paid email.
This isn't about gold digging...BUT when a man has to put his money where his mouth is, he is way more serious.
And he is younger than me.
Not 10 years older.
Age is just a number- I'd rather date an OLDER man who is seriously interested in me & shows a sincere interest in me as a woman & as a human being, who also shows GOOD CHARACTER & the ability to commit. Age & looks are shallow IMO for a solid relationship.

Gentlemen.... is this sufficiently clear or am I still expecting him to be a mind reader?

Now again I guess I wait.

Agrrrrrhhhhhh

Doesn't sound like hot pursuit.

I checked my phone - he has never initiated a phone call.
About time he did.
It started out w/ you doing all the suggesting, waiting & wanting.

He suggested at the end of the lunch that I invite him sailing if I ever want someone with no experience whatsoever.

Why does this have to be sooooooo complex.
Uggggghhhhhhh
VS Still no invitation to another date but at least he made some contact after the weekend.

The sweet man you found boring asked to see you again before the lunch was over- I think he deserved a 2nd chance, was he really boring, or were you too busy thinking of Mr. Not-so-Available that you never gave the good guy a chance?

I even got out of my car and walked over to his for yet another kiss goodbye before leaving. YOU went over to HIM, but did HE go over to YOU???

First meet was at a brilliant Kayak shop he suggested with a huge range to take a look at what was available.
I was going to a party in his area so he suggested that he show me the shop before the party.
We live just over an hour apart.
So how much of an effort did he make for the 1st meet? YOU happened to be in his are (convenient for HIM) & he showed you a shop (FREE!) Quite different than him travelling out your way & having a real date.

We had a coffee and he invited me to come to his house to stay overnight after the party.
I said thanks but no. Did invite him to join me at the party - he declined.
Then the bubbly -MOET was used as incentive.
Nice, a total stranger invites you over just like that- what does THAT tell you? Then he offers alcohol in trade for sex! What does THAT tell you?

I sent him a message during the week to say I had bought a Kayak.
A few days later he said that his rudder was broken otherwise he would challenge me to a race.
That is very telling right there.

]I suggested - via type chat on the dating site - a champagne breakfast - with his said bottle of MOET to launch my kayak and christen her. A bit tongue in cheek.
After a short break - which to me seemed like an eternity of silence to me - he typed - "What a great idea. How about somewhere half way?"


And yes!!!! there is mutual chemistry ..... fireworks from my end. Are there fireworks from his end?

I wish this was easier lolHow good is dating if it is difficult? Shouldn't dating be fun & easy?

Do You Believe Relationhips Are A Lot of Work?

http://forums.plentyoffish.com/EditPost.aspx?PostID=16183839

I have met, twice, an absolutely wonderful man. From the little bit that I can see, he is NOT wonderful- he is good looking & charming, but NOT wonderful. A wonderful man would not yank you around & play push-pull games!
First meet was 2 hours and he invited me to his place .... I declined but said I would really like to see him again. Wonderful? Sex w/ a stranger after 2 hours?

Fast forward 1 week.

Second meet / first date was a picnic, in public, yesterday, beside a river half way between us - he brought a bottle of MOET, cheese and other munchies, picnic blanket etc
We spent 5 wonderful hours together.
I am smitten.

YOU are smitten, but is he?

OP, the way it starts is the way it goes & ultimately the way it ends...YOU can continue to make excuses for this man & backpedal all you want, but my crystal ball tells me there will be no happy ending to this "wonderful man" who is wishy-washy & seems to have a history of trying to get sex w/ women he just met off the net.

I think you have met other men who truly were wonderful, but you overlooked them & this is why you are alone & will continue to be alone, including your birthday & Valentine's Day, until YOU change YOURSELF & your behavior patterns.

Best of luck to you OP. All of us deserve to be loved & love in return. If we keep doing what we did in the past, we will continue to get the same results...you know that old saying about insanity...


"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different
results." Ben Franklin
 Iteration77
Joined: 8/22/2013
Msg: 66
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/28/2014 7:34:01 AM

So he really did make the first move.
My entire post is fallacy.


But hey, it generated plenty of discussion!

I've never been one to follow a set of 'rules' really - not when I was single in my 20's and not now when I'm single again.

I just try to do what feels right FOR ME. If the approach I take is genuine and it strikes a chord with someone, won't that indicate that we have a decent chance of hitting it off?

Trying to figure out how to act in a way that other's expect (when it goes against the grain of how you would naturally be) just seems very counter intuitive to me.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 67
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/28/2014 8:34:06 AM

And where is it written that once one passes 40, one must resign to dating men at least 10 yrs their senior?



I can't see women over 40 accepting that their dating pool is confined to those 10 or more years older.


As a 55 year-old-woman, I'm neither "resigned" nor "confined" to dating men 10 years older---and I find the use of those terms to be off-putting. I willingly choose to date a man 10 years older---because I want to, not because I "must".

For the record, not all women over 40 are looking for younger men. Some of us actually prefer mature men, along with the lifestyle many can offer. If you or others prefer younger men, that's your prerogative, but understand this: those of us that do date older men are not doing so because we have to settle---and "younger" doesn't always equate to "better".
 Ilovechristmas25
Joined: 1/21/2014
Msg: 68
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/28/2014 8:36:24 AM
Halc

You and me both. Refuse to date any man older than me by more than eight years. He'll be good to go in another 5 five years but not now.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 69
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/28/2014 9:34:31 AM

Going back to the topic . I think women should become proactive by the time they hit forty . Once they pass forty that is when the men over fifty will want to date them and once they pass fifty the men over sixty will want to date them . So on and so forth and yes I realize there are always some exceptions .


Well this is good to know.

Conversely, this means when you hit 80, you'll finally find someone to date?

I think women should always be proactive...if you see someone you're interested in...go for it.
What are people waiting for?
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 70
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/28/2014 2:20:21 PM
message# 80
what in the WORLD..!?
This much I CAN speak to-(I think!)

but my crystal ball tells me there will be no happy ending to this "wonderful man"

Guess what? In approximately 50% of pair bond relationships, there AIN'T a happy ending! In the almost 50% that do last, one of the couple passes away before the other one. So by THAT token, we could say there is almost never a happy ending.
But lets not get hung up on that point.

Some of us are FINE being alone, if we aren't finding a man with whom there is mutual chemistry, that resonance with one anothers' souls, we're OK, we have no big-ass terror of being "alone" on Valentines' day.
But for those who simply MUST have their lives validated by "being with someone"-I suppose it's easier to just latch onto any reasonable person who ain't in jail and is housebroken.

It sounds to me like the OP has decided a course of action, one that seems reasonable to me. That is ONE positive feature of the forums, for someone to have a sounding board, or a "panel" to run things by, so as to clarify a matter in one's own mind. I think that is what is happening with the OP.

They've scarcely gotten to know one another, and already people are labeling the guy as a player and predicting that the OP being more proactive will cause her to get "played" or whatever. Can't we give the OP SOME credit for having a much better feel for the situation, that we cannot possibly have?
Yes, we are of the age range where it was pretty much the "rule" that the man did the pursuing. But social and dating standards ARE evolving, so if the OP feels like the guy is a bit on the shy/reserved side, I can respect her idea of being more pro-active.
Cindy O
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 71
view profile
History
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/28/2014 2:38:29 PM
What you suggest, ladyc, is reasonable on its face, but harder to do for those of us who remember the OPs posting and dating history more clearly.
 traveltrekker
Joined: 9/17/2013
Msg: 72
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/28/2014 3:37:58 PM
When should a mature lady become more proactive?


All the time.
And not just mature women.
But they also have to develop good proactive skills.

I just came across a woman's profile where she flat out stated......"I have a fear of rejection so I probably won't message you first".


I have learned the hard way that being enthusiastic and proactive is the kiss of death.


Only with the wrong people.


In every other part of my life if I want something I go for it.
Love is entirely different.


No, it's not.
Remember those "Love is...." comic strips from years ago? I don't recall ever seeing one that said "Love is.....sitting at home waiting for Prince Charming to show up with a glass slipper."
 Princess12524
Joined: 12/23/2013
Msg: 73
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/28/2014 6:10:08 PM

what in the WORLD..!?
This much I CAN speak to-(I think!)


but my crystal ball tells me there will be no happy ending to this "wonderful man"

Guess what? In approximately 50% of pair bond relationships, there AIN'T a happy ending! In the almost 50% that do last, one of the couple passes away before the other one. So by THAT token, we could say there is almost never a happy ending.
But lets not get hung up on that point.
No BUT since you brought it up, since a person has a one out of two chance to go off into the sunset w/ "mr. right", they may as well stack their odds & USE THEIR BRAINS. Geez it doesn't take a rocket scientist at age 45+ to realize certain behaviors are indicators of insincerity. And we cannot control when someone dies, the OP seems fairly young for a middle aged woman, she isn't geriatric by any means!


Some of us are FINE being alone, if we aren't finding a man with whom there is mutual chemistry, that resonance with one anothers' souls, we're OK, we have no big-ass terror of being "alone" on Valentines' day.
But for those who simply MUST have their lives validated by "being with someone"-I suppose it's easier to just latch onto any reasonable person who ain't in jail and is housebroken.
Agreed, which is why latching on to a man who has a one-track mind seems like the train ride to "midnite express" ;oP


It sounds to me like the OP has decided a course of action, one that seems reasonable to me. That is ONE positive feature of the forums, for someone to have a sounding board, or a "panel" to run things by, so as to clarify a matter in one's own mind. I think that is what is happening with the OP.
IMO there hasn't been much thinking w/ Op's head, rather her heart & hormones...


They've scarcely gotten to know one another, and already people are labeling the guy as a player and predicting that the OP being more proactive will cause her to get "played" or whatever.
He has already shown a minimal interest in the person & a maximum interest in "going back to his place." That equates to a player.


Can't we give the OP SOME credit for having a much better feel for the situation, that we cannot possibly have?
After reading her posts, no. I think judgement can be clouded by lust, & loneliness.


Yes, we are of the age range where it was pretty much the "rule" that the man did the pursuing. But social and dating standards ARE evolving, so if the OP feels like the guy is a bit on the shy/reserved side, I can respect her idea of being more pro-active.
Cindy O
Agreed, if I ever pursue a man for a relationship & he doesn't call me after repeated requests, doesn't make himself available, propositions me from day 1, & all the other behaviors the OP lists, I would take a hint PDQ!

Some people say they are fine being alone & mean it, but some say it because they are alone & it looks better to say: "I don't need a man" rather than: "I want one, but cannot find one worth having" :0(


What you suggest, ladyc, is reasonable on its face, but harder to do for those of us who remember the OPs posting and dating history more clearly.


Why would anyone want to be w/ someone who doesn't want to be w/ them as much? Why would anyone want to work so hard to get a relationship, when there are other more eager fish in the sea?
 juliettes7
Joined: 11/4/2012
Msg: 74
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/28/2014 6:40:43 PM
Thread title makes no sense to me, like by "holding back" you can avoid foiling a robust ltr with you "alpha" gal ways.
I don't really buy it.
I think it has more to do with this man's behavior, and how it's simple enough to decode.

But, I skimmed the thread and it continued to be about "who is the man/don't be the man" in this situation.

OP, if you're thinking this "charm guy" will be your one and only--seems doubtful.

Why should he stick to 1 gal at his mature age? I'm not saying people don't have traditional ltrs still but he doesn't sound like that's his MO. His actions spell this out.

Chemistry isn't any indicator of ltr. Usually it indicates an affair.

A Itr has lot of social, emotional aspects, imo, not trying to get you within 4 boudoir walls asap from the getgo.

It sounds like you are just pleased to be attracted to a man--and that is a great feeling. If you are content with passionate friendships, he's likely a good bet, assuming you don't have std concerns.

Depends OP, on you want from this guy and where he is and if those overlap. I think it has very little to do with "how to play this" so as not to spook him.
 ozsealady1
Joined: 6/13/2013
Msg: 75
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/28/2014 11:40:42 PM
Wow.

Now I am no longer in the throws of trying to play by 'the rules' and 'not blow it'.... reading even more comments and some of mine are hilarious.

1. I am still not sure that this wonderful man and I will do anything more than spend some time together. But even if it fizzes completely I am very glad I have met him and enjoyed his company. Not often those butterflies get a workout.

2. Invitations to meet again by men I do not find interesting for me happen regularly.
When I am actively doing first meets sometimes 3-4 a week. To get to 3 dates and for me to still want to see the man and have those butterflies is super, super rare.
E.g. last weekend I had 3 invitations to go out from 'real world' men.
None of whom I want as a potential partner for a range of reasons.
As buddies they are fine.
All logical - bankruptcy, homeless, seeking someone to support him or I could not imagine myself kissing him let alone getting naked - uggghhh.

I will choose being the instigator and 'chaser' to spend time with a fascinating person any day over enduring time with someone who makes me yawn.

In my opinion - when I am not rendered insane by the aforementioned butterflies - some people, both men and women can become jaded and looking for the 'what is wrong with that person'. I admit to often doing the same and most of the time I have found it out. And the list includes the usual - married, bankrupt, insane, addicted to something, no time, violent, rude, gold digger, seeking a free alternative to a prostitute etc etc etc.

Give me the feeling of silliness, feeling hope, joy and making a fool of myself because the butterflies are turning somersaults and being proactive and risking rejection to sitting at home and complaining.

If I could cast a magic spell to give everyone those excruciating butterflies I would.

And yes - I have come here to ask the collective wisdom questions that perplex me.
Sometimes the collective is very wise.
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