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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > When should a mature lady become more proactive?      Home login  
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 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 76
When should a mature lady become more proactive? Page 4 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
I just dont understand the need to put other people's choices down--it should be about the individual not the age --and not about the amount of money --or lifestyle they can offer cause at 40 (which is younger for most of us) they can afford at much as older men can.


I didn't put anyone else's choices down---I defended mine. My choice to date an older man was being put down by the use of terms implying a woman over 40 was somehow less desirable, thus was "confined" to a smaller dating pool---the implication being that she could only appeal to men who were 10+ years her senior---as if older men are somehow not as good as younger ones.

Also, money was never mentioned. "Lifestyle" was meant in reference to many older men being retired, unencumbered, and free to travel. I have my own money and don't need his.
 Princess12524
Joined: 12/23/2013
Msg: 77
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/29/2014 3:52:27 PM

I think it has more to do with this man's behavior, and how it's simple enough to decode.

But, I skimmed the thread and it continued to be about "who is the man/don't be the man" in this situation.

OP, if you're thinking this "charm guy" will be your one and only--seems doubtful.

Why should he stick to 1 gal at his mature age? I'm not saying people don't have traditional ltrs still but he doesn't sound like that's his MO. His actions spell this out.

Chemistry isn't any indicator of ltr. Usually it indicates an affair.

A Itr has lot of social, emotional aspects, imo, not trying to get you within 4 boudoir walls asap from the getgo.

It sounds like you are just pleased to be attracted to a man--and that is a great feeling. If you are content with passionate friendships, he's likely a good bet, assuming you don't have std concerns.

Depends OP, on you want from this guy and where he is and if those overlap. I think it has very little to do with "how to play this" so as not to spook him.

I so agree about the man's intentions. And it is Ok but I hate it everytime I see someone try to force the square peg in the round hole. It's exhausting.


For the record, not all women over 40 are looking for younger men. Some of us actually prefer mature men, along with the lifestyle many can offer. If you or others prefer younger men, that's your prerogative, but understand this: those of us that do date older men are not doing so because we have to settle---and "younger" doesn't always equate to "better".

I agree but I try to take it on a case by case basis, but my preference is my age, older or just a wee bit younger. I don't want to look like his Momma or old Auntie!


I am still not sure that this wonderful man and I will do anything more than spend some time together. But even if it fizzes completely I am very glad I have met him and enjoyed his company.
Glad u r cognizant of that, OP!


To get to 3 dates and for me to still want to see the man and have those butterflies is super, super rare.
E.g. last weekend I had 3 invitations to go out from 'real world' men.
None of whom I want as a potential partner for a range of reasons.
As buddies they are fine.
All logical - bankruptcy, homeless, seeking someone to support him or I could not imagine myself kissing him let alone getting naked - uggghhh.

water seeks it's own level, perhaps if u want to attract higher caliber men, u need to do some work on yourself.


My choice to date an older man was being put down by the use of terms implying a woman over 40 was somehow less desirable, thus was "confined" to a smaller dating pool---the implication being that she could only appeal to men who were 10+ years her senior---as if older men are somehow not as good as younger ones.

Also, money was never mentioned. "Lifestyle" was meant in reference to many older men being retired, unencumbered, and free to travel. I have my own money and don't need his.


Agree on this too. A woman who knows the 4-1-1 on things has a way easier time dating at age 54 than a clueless 40 year old!
 HonkyTonk_Woman
Joined: 9/16/2013
Msg: 78
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/29/2014 4:25:53 PM
OP....Good for you...You don't sound desperate or naïve to me...go with it...ride that wave.

I find in this day and age of dating...the old way of thinking.."how it should be"....just doesn't ring true...anymore.
Dating on line....is a whole different ball game for everyone involved.
Insecurities.....on the.." what to dos"... by both genders...guessing what the other is thinking... can be misread.
One thing I did learn is to be more patient.
And...If it doesn't work out...so what!!

I've been pursued and it didn't work out....the guy I had patience(was proactive) with...turned out to be the best one....
No one knows.....Good Luck!!
 ozsealady1
Joined: 6/13/2013
Msg: 79
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 2/2/2014 10:34:31 PM
Am still seeing the lovely man.
Went sailing over the weekend.

Have decided not to invite him to the concert.
Fraught with too many expectations.

A close girlfriend is suddenly single. So she is coming.
The man she was hoping to marry and have babies together, dumped her via TEXT!!!!!!
No warning.
I think I will start a thread on how to break up.
Because being dumped via text is low.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 80
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 2/7/2014 10:23:10 AM
unenjoyable- you are quite the funny fellow....I mean "ha-ha funny" and I mean that sincerely.
OP glad to hear that you are still enjoying the time spent with this guy, and I agree that taking him to this Valentine's Day concert might be a bit TOO "pro-active.
It sucks that your friend got dumped, but that does give you something else to focus on...being there for her.
Low? I bet the guy that dumped her by text could walk under a snakes' belly wearing a 10-gallon hat and platformn shoes.
Cindy O
 sam_fernando
Joined: 6/20/2013
Msg: 81
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 2/7/2014 2:04:39 PM
You are a with it woman. Chuck all that socialization and game playing out the door. A woman playing cherry at any age is unbecoming. If you want a man, skip the bullshit small talk, be up front, tell him, "I want you," and grab hold of him. Being honest about your own desires will set you free. Best wishes.
 sam_fernando
Joined: 6/20/2013
Msg: 82
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 2/7/2014 2:37:35 PM
Oh my Gawd!!! A man offered you his affection, was honest with you about how he felt, and risked rejection (as he had since age 12, while approaching women who play cherry). Oh, the humanity! In response, you rejected him. Another in a string of hurtful disappointments for the man. No doubt you felt better about yourself at the expense of your suitor. Now, you are alone, again.

Ah, sweet sociopathy.
 TOaks91360
Joined: 11/22/2013
Msg: 83
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 2/7/2014 7:59:59 PM
You're a beautiful woman.

Sadly, the attraction between the 2 of you is NOT mutual.

I'm an aggressive and assertive man when I dig a woman. You will know without a doubt that I want to see you again. Period. I wouldn't make you initiate contact.

I'd move on.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 84
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When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 2/7/2014 9:19:26 PM

Sex is a powerful ... entimological tool.

you mean like when people swap crabs?
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 85
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 2/8/2014 8:39:40 AM

I appreciate when she shows interest back.


Doesn't this indicate that the man showed interest FIRST? I mean how can someone of either gender "show interest BACK" without having been SHOWN interest?
I'm not assigning gender rules or roles here-simply saying that you can't" show interest back". or "return the favor" or "reciprocate" unless someone else has initiated interest, done the favor-whatever.

This is not to say that a woman cannot INITIATE, but if she does in fact initiate, then it would be on the guy to "show interest back", would it not?
Simply wanted to show here how gender "rules" can get so very ingrained that we don't even realize we are following them.
As to being offered or requested to "become a couple" after just 2 or 3 dates, IMO/IME budding sociosexual relationships went where they were gonna go without a lot of "politicking" or verbal discussion. They went where they went more or less organically( so to speak) and if I didn't like where it was going,I could either accept that it was what it was or I could exit the involvement.
Anybody regardless of gender can be pro-active, but I think there is still that little "underground rule" that a woman who pushes too hard/too overtly is suspect and perhaps setting herself up to be mispercieved.
Cindy O
 TOaks91360
Joined: 11/22/2013
Msg: 86
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 2/8/2014 9:50:20 AM
Doria, I totally agree with you. I think if the OP just wants something casual, and nothing wrong with that either, then by all means, contact the guy. However...if she's hoping to exchange sex for love? She just might get burned.
 sam_fernando
Joined: 6/20/2013
Msg: 87
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 2/8/2014 2:20:15 PM

Two dates isn't enough to *KNOW someone well enough to be their boy/girl friend--it is a start but if someone at this point in meeting is pushing there is normally an emotional reason they want to slap a label on you versus allowing things to play out--normally it is cause they have been putting on an act and are afraid you will find out who they really are, some seek security from a label.

SO if a man is asking every women on the second date to be his girlfriend you would have thought by this age he would have gotten the lesson vs repeating that same mistake since age 12.

It was never a matter of feeling better but not buying into some man's version of romance where you play make believe there is enough to build a relationship and then find out after you are in one you don't really like or respect the person and then you got this nasty breakup thing--and you end up alone--so how is that better than realizing a person on the second date pushing for labels is a bit off and not entertaining them as someone you wish to be associated with. Cool your jets get to know each other and then decide if they are the right person.

One night I watched my brother walk around a night club with one line--he would walk up to a girl and say "I have been watching you all night (he hadn't he had been hitting up other women) and you are the type of girl I could see myself married and having a family with. Most women blew him off but there was always one who bought into the make believe.

Is there a rational thought in this mass of text? Please provide the manual for when one should be honest with their feelings and wants. In psychology, folks are encouraged to openly share their emotions and needs. Across cultures, people propose some kind of relationship to the other. "Needy" as a personal attack is part of the shallowness of this society. Every single person on this planet needs affection, sex, food, shelter, medical treatments, etc. We all are also lonely. Were that not the case, we would not be seeking out someone to keep us company.
 wvwaterfall
Joined: 1/17/2007
Msg: 88
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When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 2/8/2014 2:42:29 PM
I think what it all boils down to is not asking for a dramatic acceleration out of the blue. Pretty sure I learned that lesson in my teens. I've come out of a second date with both of us committed exclusively before, but because both of us felt that confident at that stage, not because one of us sprung a request on the other. It's just a matter of being tuned in to each other. If you're going to be that far along that soon it should be clear to both that the other is that into them.

You'd think as we age we'd get better at all this but sometimes the opposite is true. I think some become impatient with letting things develop naturally and are inclined to just cut to the chase. Someone relatively fresh out of a long term relationship may be eager to embark on another without going through all the necessary steps first. If those steps are going to fly by quickly both need to be racing together.
 sam_fernando
Joined: 6/20/2013
Msg: 89
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 2/8/2014 6:47:57 PM
@Wvwaterfall


I think what it all boils down to is not asking for a dramatic acceleration out of the blue.

What is the speed limit?


It's just a matter of being tuned in to each other.

Guessing vs. honest communication. Honest communication promotes communication. Guessing never helps.


I think some become impatient with letting things develop naturally and are inclined to just cut to the chase. Someone relatively fresh out of a long term relationship may be eager to embark on another without going through all the necessary steps first. If those steps are going to fly by quickly both need to be racing together.

Please cite to the manual.

Seriously, everything in this thread speaks to broken social rituals and distorted expectations. People have been socialized to guess and be less than forthright. In kinship and folk societies, people are expected to make a declaration (I like you) and then sooner rather than later make a proposal (will you be my girlfriend, courting suitor, etc). Social psychologists encourage us to speak honestly about our feelings and to be understanding of each other. Social psychologists and sociologists call into question all of the gender socialization, which prevents us from fully expressing our feelings and being genuine.
 wvwaterfall
Joined: 1/17/2007
Msg: 90
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When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 2/8/2014 7:34:23 PM


What is the speed limit?


Remember your physics now. Acceleration is not the same thing as velocity. No speed limit, just don't accelerate too fast if she's not keeping up or already ahead of you.


Guessing vs. honest communication. Honest communication promotes communication. Guessing never helps.


Who said anything about guessing? Just remember that honest communication is about much more than words. Body language is often more honest than words, and its very much communication. Is she leaning toward you or away? Has she initiated any sort of touch, however innocent? Does she hold your gaze? Have you found topics you're both passionate about? I try to heed my brain, my heart, my instincts as well as needing to feel sensually/sexually attracted. Does she seem to be responding positively from at least two of those drivers?

Please tell me you can tell the difference between someone who is into you and someone who is not.


Please cite to the manual.


If there was a manual we wouldn't need this thread, would we?


Seriously, everything in this thread speaks to broken social rituals and distorted expectations. People have been socialized to guess and be less than forthright.


Rituals? Expectations? Screw that. You're exploring how interested you are in each other. All I'm saying is PAY ATTENTION not just to your own evolving feelings but your potential partners as well. Too many fall victim to only heeding their own level of attraction. And this isn't about what other people think or how they do it in books, tv, movies or even the last time you were exploring a potential relationship. It's about the two of you, here, now. Tune into that and forget all that external static.
 sam_fernando
Joined: 6/20/2013
Msg: 91
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 2/8/2014 8:46:11 PM

Who said anything about guessing? Just remember that honest communication is about much more than words. Body language is often more honest than words, and its very much communication. Is she leaning toward you or away? Has she initiated any sort of touch, however innocent? Does she hold your gaze? Have you found topics you're both passionate about? I try to heed my brain, my heart, my instincts as well as needing to feel sensually/sexually attracted. Does she seem to be responding positively from at least two of those drivers?

In other words, guessing and mind reading are more helpful than just saying what you feel for each other. Interests like skiing won't make either of you more attractive to the other.


Rituals? Expectations? Screw that. You're exploring how interested you are in each other. All I'm saying is PAY ATTENTION not just to your own evolving feelings but your potential partners as well. Too many fall victim to only heeding their own level of attraction. And this isn't about what other people think or how they do it in books, tv, movies or even the last time you were exploring a potential relationship. It's about the two of you, here, now. Tune into that and forget all that external static.

Deep. In other words, you haven't heard of gender socialization, and you are advocating for the game playing and run around. If you mean getting informed about how the other person feels, if she/he doesn't say anything, it's time to ask, "how do you feel about me?" To communicate effectively, you have to communicate.
 mjinict
Joined: 8/13/2008
Msg: 92
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When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 2/8/2014 10:13:40 PM
I think it reeks of insecurity and impatience to ask one how they feel after a mere date or two. I think wv has it right in that you should listen for the signals. That goes for both genders. Meantime, relax and have fun.
 ozsealady1
Joined: 6/13/2013
Msg: 93
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 2/9/2014 12:01:00 AM
Sam Fernando.... I love you!!!!!

Even moreso as you are in the demographic I am seeking.
(Geography however is a challenge)
And the other men on here who think the rules are silly.

Listening for signals? Hurrumph......
I have learned a long time ago that mind reading is a flawed method of communication.
As are listening for signals.
Looking for smoke signals.... now that is something entirely different.
 wvwaterfall
Joined: 1/17/2007
Msg: 94
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When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 2/9/2014 1:21:15 AM
Fascinating. I didn't realize this would be a topic about which people would divide so cleanly into different camps.


In other words, guessing and mind reading are more helpful than just saying what you feel for each other.


So let me get this straight. If a traffic cop is standing in the middle of an intersection scowling at you with his hand held up you'll drive right over him because you were forced to guess and mind read if you didn't hear him say the word "stop!" In a loud clear voice?

Look, I get as frustrated as anyone if I can't figure out how my date is feeling about me. I'm just saying there are ways she can show interest besides words, and that I'm not going to propose serious commitment or intimacy unless I've got a pretty good idea she'll be receptive based on ALL the ways she's been communicating with me so far. If she's the type to keep her thoughts and feelings close to her vest and force me to continually go out on a limb for us to move forward then we're not a good match, but apparently she would be just your type.


Interests like skiing won't make either of you more attractive to the other.


Speak for yourself. Plenty of happy couples share a passion for dance, the same music, volunteerism, hiking, biking, art that are a big part of their attraction for each other.

Ironically, in a few hours I'm about to have a first date with a woman. We very nearly made this first date a ski date, but since the logistics would be difficult without an overnight stay decided to meet for brunch instead. But our shared interest in skiing is very much part of our initial attraction.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 95
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 2/9/2014 1:57:53 PM
Message #108
Procol, I think the worldof you-you know that!- but "oh dear lord" doesn't really speak to the things I pointed out...
Cindy O
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 96
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When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 2/9/2014 7:38:10 PM
"Second meet / first date was a picnic, in public, yesterday, beside a river half way between us - he brought a bottle of MOET, cheese and other munchies, picnic blanket etc
We spent 5 wonderful hours together.
I am smitten.

Now...
How long do I wait for him to contact me?
In every other part of my life if I want something I go for it.
Love is entirely different.
I have learned the hard way that being enthusiastic and proactive is the kiss of death.
I will say that I made the suggestion of a picnic.... he had told me he had a bottle of MOET in the fridge as an incentive for me to come to his place following the first meet.

Also my birthday is coming up. 14th of Feb. Yep Valentines Day.

I have 2 tickets to a twilight, live concert on Sydney Harbour.
Purchased a few months ago with the hope I would have someone wonderful to invite.

Most of my friends and family are attached and being Valentines Day they are otherwise occupied
Is it too soon to invite him along. It is my birthday and Valentines Day after all."

Ehhh....okay, you've spent two dates/meets/whatever together. You're smitten, I GET it but you're talking about love. It seems to me your heart is running so fast your head can't keep up. I understand having feelings, but the REASON you don't know what to do is that you don't KNOW this man very well. You've only been out with him twice! Hours spent talking, emailing, texting or even on a date........you haven't know this man in different situations over a period of time. A "date" is such an artificial environment, not the best always for getting to know someone. You haven't spent time with him around his family or with his friends....you don't know how he treats other people in his life or how he reacts when the proverbial shit hits the fan.

My litmus test is seeing and knowing someone when something's gone incredibly wrong, people are who they truly are when they're in a difficult situation or facing a problem. I know that's not as romantic as a picnic by the river....but it's what the head needs to process before you make the decision that he is someone you could or may LOVE!

It's no wonder you don't know what to do around him, you barely know this man! Really, wait a few months, and see if you're still as smitten. If he IS a wonderful man for you, a few months won't make any difference. At least by then you'll at least know him a little better if you're still even dating him in a few months.

There is no substitute or shortcut to spending time with someone in ALL different situations, not just a constructed romantic "date".
 Princess12524
Joined: 12/23/2013
Msg: 97
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 2/10/2014 4:53:39 AM

You haven't spent time with him around his family or with his friends....you don't know how he treats other people in his life or how he reacts when the proverbial shit hits the fan.

My litmus test is seeing and knowing someone when something's gone incredibly wrong, people are who they truly are when they're in a difficult situation or facing a problem. I know that's not as romantic as a picnic by the river....but it's what the head needs to process before you make the decision that he is someone you could or may LOVE!

It's no wonder you don't know what to do around him, you barely know this man! Really, wait a few months, and see if you're still as smitten. If he IS a wonderful man for you, a few months won't make any difference. At least by then you'll at least know him a little better if you're still even dating him in a few months.

There is no substitute or shortcut to spending time with someone in ALL different situations, not just a constructed romantic "date".

That is the difference b/w LUST & LOVE!
There is a difference b/w personality & character...a person can be charming but have poor character...another person can seem initially to be "boring" & have a great character. We all own our behavior & if one makes choices based on superficial/immature things, then be prepared to pay the piper!
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 98
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 2/10/2014 12:56:02 PM

Seriously, everything in this thread speaks to broken social rituals and distorted expectations.

Through YOUR filters and YOUR perceptions, perhaps.
In my estimation it's a pretty average discussion about social customs/rituals that are becoming more flexible, not "broken".
Of course "broken social rituals and distorted expectations " can be just as handy to place blame on as anything else, if one feels they've fallen out of the so-called "social norm" because they don't currently possess a committed "significant other" relationship.

Personally, I decided that I preferred to be truly comfortable in my own skin and that means more to me than forcing myself to pair up with someone in order to meet some "social norm".

I agree a lot with what bucsgirl says about observing someone handling day-to-day life and dealing with the screw-ups and adversities that Fate sometimes hands out. Unless you happen to MEET someone at the scene of a disaster, 2 dates is not enough-IMO- to make a decision about being REQUESTED to become a couple.

I too have often observed that when there was a big rush to "formalize" a dating situation,there were insecurities or agendas at work.
Cindy O
 ozsealady1
Joined: 6/13/2013
Msg: 99
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 2/10/2014 2:25:24 PM
DOOMSAYERS .... YOU WERE RIGHT.

No longer dating the wonderful man.
Yes it seems that I was more attracted to him than he was to me.
Despite him saying things like - we can do this or that next time and his final words to me with a kiss
"Thank you for taking me to paradise"
And before you all jump to conclusions - paradise was Jerusalem Bay - sailing.

Then - as is often the way - silence.

I am still glad I met him and enjoyed is company.
Also glad I did not invite him to share my birthday concert tickets this Friday.

Instead my newly single female friend and I are getting glammed up and intend to have a wonderful time.
Family birthday celebration was last weekend. Other friends celebration next week.

I do wonder however if I overawed him as has happened in the past.
Being a personally confident (most of the time), articulate, self made CEO of my own technical company, university educated, home and car and yacht owner, no debts, have a growing retirement savings portfolio, solo sailor, amateur thesbian, fun runner (did a colour run on Sunday), no children, truly single after a 23 year marriage, no baggage, active, seeking to go out and do things etc etc etc can be intimidating.
I rarely describe myself as that as it sounds so wanky but it is true. Only included that for those of you who say I should work on self improvement.
If anything I generally try to hide or downplay the above. So it is discovered by others over time.

Or maybe it was the grilled lobster dinner I cooked on board my yacht in a secluded cove.
(Lobster is in season here and I have been enjoying it. Even for solo dinners at home.)
Or maybe it was his chilled glass flute that he broke.
Or maybe the French champagne he brought that he spilt.
Or maybe he only wanted to come sailing.
Or maybe it was meeting my female friend who is also a fabulous single woman who owns exactly the same type of yacht as mine.
She is one of the countries most qualified and capable sailors and the one who was dumped via text.
We had rafted up together the night before I picked him up from the beach.
Also eating seafood and drinking wine - but we drank Aussie wine.
She swam in and I paddled on my new kayak.
or
or
or
or
Pity I will never know.

So I am now back on the internet actively arranging first meets.

Will I remain proactive?

Abso - bloody - lutely

Would not have enjoyed his company at all otherwise.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 100
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When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 2/10/2014 2:43:27 PM
"Yes it seems that I was more attracted to him than he was to me. "

If I were you I wouldn't jump to that conclusion. I think that, generally speaking, women seem to be more excited about going out on a date where a lot of men dread it. Women usually like to go out and do things, men would rather stay home and "snuggle on the couch" (ugh). I know it's a VERY generalized statement, but it's true for the majority of people I've known in my lifetime.

OP, sorry about how it turned out, but better after 2 dates than after 6 months. And yes, absolutely stay proactive, but do yourself a favor and check in with your head (intellect) now and then. Your heart isn't the best judge of character.

I think you're a very attractive lady with lots of wonderful qualities, your enthusiasm is contagious. Very best of luck to you on your next adventure.
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