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 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 51
Are there any gentlemen out there?Page 3 of 12    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
First I did go on a date with the first man but he didn't talk about sex prior to the date. The second guy I only messaged/texted one night and walked away when he wouldn't change the subject.

oh well. it would be reasonable of you to assume that most of the men you will encounter here will not be a good match for you, for whatever reason. it won't necessarily be for the reasons you described here.


The second thing is the fact that I am only separated. It is a long story that I won't get into but I am still married legally only.

on the other hand, maybe you've only met the type of men who are interested in sex because the type of men who are interested in a more substantial relationship wish to avoid women who still have a lot of unfinished business with a man who happens to be their husband. I know I would, if I were in their shoes.


There is no chance for reconciliation.

sez you, but anyone who doesn't know you has no real way of discerning any hidden motivations you might have. and if there's one thing a lot of separated people have, it's hidden motivations.


I am not pushing the divorce because I need his health insurance and he would remarry in a heartbeat just to spite me.

what an odd statement to make. it suggests a lot of unfinished business on one or both sides of the equation. i think any reasonable man hearing that who wished to meet someone "emotionally available" would avoid you like the gut-wrenching angst this has written all over it.


You don't have to agree with it but it is what I need to do for the time being.

so do what you need to do, but I don't think you can really expect men who are seeking a relationship to consider you as a realistic prospect at this time. NSA sex however is always an option.
 Crystal_Planet
Joined: 10/30/2013
Msg: 52
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/5/2014 4:48:39 AM

My question is are all men going to be that way?


The answer is "yes" o.p. Men are all that way.
Every. Single. One.

You're pretty much hooped. Get some cats.
 Hearton64
Joined: 12/18/2012
Msg: 53
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/5/2014 6:57:09 AM

so do what you need to do, but I don't think you can really expect men who are seeking a relationship to consider you as a realistic prospect at this time. NSA sex however is always an option.on the other hand, maybe you've only met the type of men who are interested in sex because the type of men who are interested in a more substantial relationship wish to avoid women who still have a lot of unfinished business with a man who happens to be their husband. I know I would, if I were in their shoes


I disagree.Just because she's separated,doesn't mean all she's good for is NSA sex.
He is her husband in name only and I don't think there is a person on this site without
unfinished business or baggage in one form or another.
 TOaks91360
Joined: 11/22/2013
Msg: 54
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/5/2014 9:33:20 AM
2 things

1) Please don't let those experiences jade you against online dating

2) You dodged a couple of bullets. Better then getting 'played', right?

Unfortunately, a lot of 'nice' guys would rather get rejected for being Mr Hands then being the boring nice guy.
 ouija2013
Joined: 12/9/2012
Msg: 55
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/5/2014 9:40:15 AM
So very many "nice" guys on POF. If only one of them would come and clean my car. And yes, that is sexual code for
" clean my car"
Mr.Hands LOL That could be a childrens programme
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 56
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/5/2014 9:44:41 AM
^^^^^^

Lmao, almost spit out my juice blend all over my bed.
 LoneScottishBoy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 57
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History
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/5/2014 10:05:09 AM

So very many "nice" guys on POF. If only one of them would come and clean my car. And yes, that is sexual code for
" clean my car"


Thats funny. I used to detail cars for extra money.
I was told I was quite good because of "my attention to nooks, crannies and crevasses."

Thats detailer code for "I had a box of Q-Tips with me"

So Ouija...you want just the "external rub and buff" or do you want your "interior vaccumed, detailed and treated with Armour All"?
 TOaks91360
Joined: 11/22/2013
Msg: 58
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/5/2014 10:06:48 AM
I'll wax your car and you can format my floppy sweety:)
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 59
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History
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/5/2014 10:20:32 AM
Also, OP, know that because you are new to dating some men will take advantage of that ... either in a good way (snatch her up before someone else does or she changes) or a bad way (easy, naive). I experienced both in the beginning and was put in uncomfortable positions at first simply because I didn't know any better nor how to react to them.

It's good to remember that there are lots of people out there who have there own motivations for what they are doing and their motivations may not match yours, even if they say they do (or you assume they do). It doesn't make one right or wrong, I think people need or want different things at different times, but I'd never assume someone wants the same thing that you do or that they will go about getting that the same way that you do.
 TOaks91360
Joined: 11/22/2013
Msg: 60
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/5/2014 10:25:22 AM
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
My experience with 'new' people is that while they may genuinely be searching Mr Right, there's no way Mr Right is going to show up right away. In other words, they're loving all this new found attention they're receiving.

'I can't settle on you! I just renewed my membership' (joke)

Conversely, 'veterans' are often jaded and guarded.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 61
view profile
History
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/5/2014 10:42:04 AM
That is so true! I don't think they are all 'loving' it though. I remember being so overwhelmed first joining a dating site in my late thirties that I couldn't even get to all of the emails. There were so many in the first few weeks that I actually put the names in alphabetical order in files and started responding to / communicating with the A's first. I wound up dating a A first, then a C and stopped (saw him for a year or so). I know there were some emails that I found more interesting but never followed up on (believing that I should 'get to know' one person at a time to see if it went anywhere).

Here I was wondering and hoping, that after 20 years of not dating, that I would even get ONE email.

Couldn't go back now, though. What would you say ... "Hey, you emailed me a while back and I never got around to it, but now that "this" fell through I'd like to see if you are interesting."

Can't win with that stuff either, even as a girl.

That's part of the reason why when someone asks "Should I email again" on the forums I advocate for 3 tries ... the first one, one a couple weeks later, and if you are really, really interested, a third a couple months later. I have not noticed first emails before (I wasn't signing on here every week, and later, sometimes not for over a month and they disappeared before I responded) so I think a second isn't horrible. It does happen.
 TOaks91360
Joined: 11/22/2013
Msg: 62
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/5/2014 10:58:18 AM
Bebe^^
Yep. I get nervous making first phone calls. I finally got the nerve to call a lady 3 weeks after she gave me her number. I knew it would be awkward to call after 3 weeks and emailed her asking if it was ok. I assured her that I wasn't just collecting phone numbers. She was very pleasant to talk to. She had every right to be skeptical and cynical and was curious why I waited so long?

I told her first phone calls make me more nervous then first dates. I also explained that I figured there must be a bunch of George Clooney's and Brad Pitt's knocking on her door. I didn't want to compete with them.

Long story short, she's a bit turned off by the online dating thing and men looking for quick sex.

We will speak on the phone again and discuss possibly meeting soon.

I understand that my calling 3 weeks later did not do anything to improve her already cynical view of online dating.

Yet again, another tale of 2 individuals putting on their online dating armor and cautiously approaching with 10 foot poles.

So much effort on making a good impression and not enough fun!
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 63
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/5/2014 12:36:33 PM

I get nervous making first phone calls. I finally got the nerve to call a lady 3 weeks after she gave me her number.


Like you, I hate that first phone call. I do get nervous and do not know what to say. However, I approach the solution in a different way. I usually set up the date online, not through the phone, so the phone then becomes a means to tell each other if there's a change of plans. That way, the conversation is not about chic chat, but specific and it takes less than 10 minutes.

Usually, they do not answer the phone the first time, so I leave them a message saying that now they have my phone number and to call when ever they can.
 beth414
Joined: 1/26/2014
Msg: 64
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/5/2014 2:09:16 PM
Arlo Troutman I do not get where you got the impression we were still living together. we only lived together for 8 months out of our 2 year 4 month marriage. I need his health insurance because during that time I battled cancer for about a year and have not found permanent employment. I appreciate the "helpful" advise that I have received but those of you who choose to bash me obviously have your own issues. I am new at this and because of that I know I have a lot to learn. I am completely honest with all who contact me. I am not hiding anything nor am I trying to be sneaky, if I were I would have listed my status as divorced. I guess you're damned if you do and damned if you don't!
 Hearton64
Joined: 12/18/2012
Msg: 65
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/5/2014 2:36:07 PM

I guess you're damned if you do and damned if you don't!


Being that you seem a little defensive in this thread,I'm not sure you are really ready for on-line dating yet.
And that's not me bashing you,that's me suggesting that you are very sensitive to slights right now
and on-line dating takes a tougher skin than you seem to have.
 FaithBella
Joined: 1/25/2014
Msg: 66
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/5/2014 6:14:58 PM
No - you're not crazy - I had one message me the other day(my area had a cold snap with ice and snow) for 3 days that it was so cold - he needed a sweater for his private parts. I texted back - "Charming" - then he tries to turn it around - makes me sound like a prude - joy, you know I was just kidding. I said - Look - you and I want different things out of life - I can be your friend but for your affection needs - look elsewhere.
 FaithBella
Joined: 1/25/2014
Msg: 67
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/5/2014 6:17:09 PM
Me, me, me - mine needs all of that - I'll throw extra cash at you for doing it.
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 68
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/5/2014 8:36:56 PM
^^^^^^

That's a bit harsh...ouch

I'm somewhat involved in health care and the nature of the arrangement of marriage is irrelevant. The fact is that she is still married and he continues to pay for the deductible/premium/copay/flexible spending. As long as the marriage is not dissolved or he continues to pay to carry her under his insurance, it's all good. Let's keep in mind that nowadays, there exists all kinds of marriages, healthcare does not define what is acceptable for them as marriage, other than a paper defining it as a status.

My ex did the same thing for his ex-wife, stayed legally married to her (but separated) and continued to carry her under his insurance, so she can get coverage for her condition. Her workplace's insurance was not great and did not cover many expenses and medication she needed. He didn't have to do that, but he figured if he kept her healthy, his daughter would not suffer the decline in the mom's health. What's $80 extra a month for your daughter's mother to continue to be healthy and able to raise his daughter? I never thought it was questionable, I respect men who think of the greater good. Healthy mom equal being able to be there for her daughter. Since I was never interested in marrying him or cared about the legality of it all, it never bothered me. I'm not saying I wouldn't have married him, I'm saying it was never a thought, so the arrangement never bothered me. He eventually divorced a little before the child left for college. At that point, he saw no reason to keep her comfortable, as the daughter was going to college and wouldn't be with the mother anyways.

Any man who understands that health insurance is important and that is the only reason why she is married, can cope with the situation. After all, unless said person is planning to propose, I don't think the whole "married" status should matter. People you plan to be with should bring something to your life, not take something you need, away. She has a very valid reason to want to hold on to the insurance. The only person who should have a say in the matter (of it being fraud), is the husband. If the husband is cool with it and doesn't see a need to go through divorce (and possibly lose way more), be it.

This has more to do with people's general opinion about marriage. I see it as a piece of paper that makes the merging and acquisition of property and things, a lot easier. The union that marriage promotes can be achieved without the paper but people just love labels and to be recognized as such. Bleh! It involves two people making decisions in unison, who am I to question their agreement?
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 69
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/5/2014 10:09:10 PM
^^^^

I can agree with that
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 70
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/5/2014 10:09:19 PM

Never mind if a man was wanting a future with you, in which case you are still married with no intention of divorcing your husband. I'm sorry but any man worth his weight in salt would not get involved with a woman who wants to stay married for the purposes of having medical coverage.

That seriously sounds like someone who's already got a sweet health care plan and doesn't have to worry about the next bill. Unfortunately for a huge chunk of the working world is not so lucky.

This kind of situation is NOT unique - people have to make ALL KINDS of awkward domestic arrangements to keep kids in their same school, able to see the same doctors, nearby to day care, etc... This isn't much different.


As long as the marriage is not dissolved or he continues to pay to carry her under his insurance, it's all good. Let's keep in mind that nowadays, there exists all kinds of marriages, healthcare does not define what is acceptable for them as marriage, other than a paper defining it as a status.

Bingo. I had a friend who got divorced and struggled to find new health insurance for herself and two kids. Two years later when a surgery was needed, she found our her Ex's health care plan was STILL active because the Ex had still been auto-paying the premiums all that time without either of them cancelling it.

Insurance doesn't care what your status is - they just want to get paid for it. And considering how ridiculously expensive it can get to pay for a family policy on just one income or with a 'single payer' status, sharing that burden doesn't seem like a bad arrangement. It used to mean big discounts if you were married for things like car insurance, but that's really not the case anymore - now it's about managing to keep the coverage you got, because any changes will probably mean less coverage and more costs - sometimes hundreds of extra dollars a month.

Your separated spouse doesn't need to go with you on doctor visits, or even have access to your private health records. You can do all of that stuff on your own. Getting health care treatment is NEVER dependent on living together happily in one house - you could live in a cardboard box for all they care - so long as you still pay them every month.
 traveltrekker
Joined: 9/17/2013
Msg: 71
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/5/2014 10:18:05 PM

Are there any gentlemen out there?


Yes, there are. (raises hand)


My question is are all men going to be that way?


All men period, no.
All of the men YOU talk to, maybe.
Depending on the criteria that you use to choose to talk to who you choose to talk to, and who you choose not to talk to.


What do you think? Am I crazy?


Since I don't know you personally, I cannot offer a definitive diagnosis in that regard.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 72
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/5/2014 10:43:17 PM
I understand some folk down there do marry just to have medical coverage but still, I would not be telling anyone and taking the chance the insurer may look at the arrangement as some kind of infraction on the conditions of their contract.

This was NOT about marrying JUST to get insurance! The marriage happened for whatever reason a long time ago - it's about KEEPING the insurance policy active even though they are separated. One of the stipulations is probably that they STAY married to keep the policy intact. Re-negotiating the policy after the divorce doesn't just keep the policy going - it pretty much halts it cold turkey and you gotta start a new one from scratch - with all kinds of new supplemental costs and fees and extra sh*t that make it a helluva lot more expensive.
 patchman1313
Joined: 8/18/2013
Msg: 73
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/5/2014 10:57:45 PM
There are many nice guys out there. The problem is that many of them are probably not very assertive. This allows the other guys who don't really give a sh*t to drowned the other ones out. One way women can overcome this is to be more proactive with their picking. Instead of waiting for men to approach or message, take a chance at asking the guys out. I can't count the times I have heard from women, "I really like him, why won't he make the move?" If you like someone or think they are interesting, take the chance. The problem is that the non-assertive guy is a lot like the average women, afraid of rejection!
ATB Patchman
 localRenoite12
Joined: 4/17/2013
Msg: 74
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/6/2014 1:01:49 AM

There are many nice guys out there. The problem is that many of them are probably not very assertive. This allows the other guys who don't really give a sh*t to drowned the other ones out. One way women can overcome this is to be more proactive with their picking. Instead of waiting for men to approach or message, take a chance at asking the guys out. I can't count the times I have heard from women, "I really like him, why won't he make the move?" If you like someone or think they are interesting, take the chance. The problem is that the non-assertive guy is a lot like the average women, afraid of rejection!


Yep /end of discussion.
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/6/2014 1:08:49 AM
Oh honey, this is the best attitude for you to have about it -

Oh darling, don't let that color your experience.

There are plenty of nice guys, gentlemen, as there are plenty of a-holes, sex-obsessed, and people who just want friends or someone to talk to. Just filter through and meet the ones who appear genuinely interested in you, getting to know you, etc.
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