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 Peppermint_Petunias
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 31
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Rejection ettiquitePage 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
If she said you pout like a 4 year old that dropped his Popsicle and it made her throw up in her mouth, would you feel better?
What if she said you were an arrogant, obnoxious idiot, not good enough, not handsome enough, not rich enough, not endowed enough, not enough hair, to short, to egotistical?
How is that courtesy?

Sometimes what people really think is best unsaid.
What don't you get?

You seem to be a "my way or the highway type" to me, just reading your answers here.
 PurpleZebra12
Joined: 10/9/2013
Msg: 32
Rejection ettiquite
Posted: 2/17/2014 3:37:59 PM
I agree with harmony. If it's the first contact, I prefer no response. If there's been some contact, a simple "sorry, I don't want to pursue this" is fine. My least favorite form of rejection is the slow fade away.

OP, even though this guy lives in his parents' basement, maybe he's got something you don't. Maybe he's funny and great at conversation. Maybe he's amazing in bed. Maybe they have a lot in common. Maybe she's using him as her rebound. Maybe that was their first date and they aren't going on a second. Don't fret about it and certainly don't say anything to the woman or her new beau about them being together. It just makes you seem petty and jealous.
 activemelaney
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 33
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Rejection ettiquite
Posted: 2/17/2014 10:14:24 PM
^^outmind is exactly right on this one (also in his previous posts).

It just takes one encounter with a passive aggressive fellow to make a woman gun shy . Avoidance is the best policy.

OP, perhaps it's just the vibe you are giving off but you seem a bit obsessed yourself. If you had just stated your question then fine...however, the added part belittling her subsequent choice adds another dimension. We women can sometimes sense types of personality and we want to sneak away. If you can't have us, you don't wish us well but rather we burn in Hell. Get what we 'deserve'.

Some people are just not a match. It's not a fault. We are not robots. Best to work on your insecurity and inability to handle rejection before dating.
 63T
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 34
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Rejection ettiquite
Posted: 2/18/2014 12:01:44 AM
I have no issue with rejection.

I include in my message to a dating prospect, an easement of obligation to respond if they are not intrigued, on the chance that they may not be comfortable with rejecting but feel obligated to respond. Others, of course, may not feel obligated to respond, regardless.

When I reject, I include a considerate and positive note for their benefit unless their initial message included an easement of obligation to respond. Then, I will honour their wishes and not respond.

My obligation, that I acknowledge and embrace, is positive, thoughtful and considerate communication.

This is my dating website message rejection etiquette.
 RainStride
Joined: 12/20/2012
Msg: 35
Rejection ettiquite
Posted: 2/18/2014 7:38:47 AM
Well, talking about first messages now, when people do give a "thanks but no thanks" kind of reply, is the other person getting angry the norm or something? Is that what people usually do under those circumstances? I certainly don't. I always send back a quick "thanks for your time and the info" message of some kind.

It seems strange to be so afraid of giving short explicit rejections. How often do you guys have experiences of getting yelled at for a simple polite no?

That silent rejections are more time efficient for the rejecter is probably true. However, regarding the other common argument, I'm not sure if I'm buying the argument that people generally react hostilely to a polite no. I've never even seen it happen myself, although perhaps it is in fact happening to a lot to women potentially, but I don't have first hand experience of that so I don't know. I could see a lot of people tacking on a quick "you're missing an opportunity" kind of criticism at the other person, but I have trouble believing actual angry responses are the norm. I don't think most people will "rake you over the coals" for such things. That would be an over-reaction. I personally always appreciate courtesy responses greatly.

The fact that some people will never be satisfied is irrelevant to what approach is best for treating other people's feelings.

In any case, I'm probably going to do other things soon, because trying to argue for higher politeness on here has always been a dead-end pursuit. Courtesy isn't a matter of whining about not getting your way (that's not courteous in fact). It is simply a system for politeness. It is unfortunate the current behaviors are the norm I think, but I don't bear the burden or responsibility of other peoples choices, so whatever.

As always, I will ignore all attempts to argue that my belief is childish. It is not. The mere fact that someone is complaining about something and that their belief is different than your own doesn't give you grounds upon which to say they are childish or immature.

I hold to my principles of being as kind to others as possible, as always, and that's why I believe what I do. It's that simple.
 activemelaney
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 36
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Rejection ettiquite
Posted: 2/19/2014 12:56:39 PM
RainStride. Your response seems reasonable in a perfect world. Also no need to wear a seat belt or lock the door at night. Everyone drives defensively and there are no criminals. Your beliefs are not childish but naive. Most nice people are naive. Come spend an evening on our ER ward on a Friday night and see another world.

Unfortunately 'in general' isn't good enough when it come to my safety as a woman. Ignore a man's message and I'm number 12 that didn't respond that day...out of sight, out of mind. Respond and then I'm front and center. No thanks. Not getting the wheels turning in his head.

Read the opening post. The OP is the passive aggressive guy we try to avoid. If a man has an issue with a crazy bit$h, at least he has a story to tell his friends. In contrast we women do not want in any way to trigger the stalker from Hell.
 activemelaney
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 37
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Rejection ettiquite
Posted: 2/19/2014 12:58:13 PM
RainStride. Your response seems reasonable in a perfect world. Also no need to wear a seat belt or lock the door at night. Everyone drives defensively and there are no criminals. Your beliefs are not childish but naive. Most nice people are naive. Come spend an evening on our ER ward on a Friday night and see another world.

Unfortunately 'in general' isn't good enough when it come to my safety as a woman. Ignore a man's message and I'm number 12 that didn't respond that day...out of sight, out of mind. Respond and then I'm front and center. No thanks. Not getting the wheels turning in his head.

Read the opening post. The OP is the passive aggressive guy we try to avoid. He is waiting for the green light to get angry. If a man has an issue with a crazy bit$h, at least he has a story to tell his friends. In contrast we women do not want in any way to trigger the stalker from Hell.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 38
Rejection ettiquite
Posted: 2/19/2014 2:23:34 PM
Rejection "Etiquette"...now then..

We've all been on the receiving end of it from time to time. Nobody likes it, but it's a necessity of dating.

I don't hate it. It's part of life. If you know you don't like everyone that's interested in you, you can grasp that it will also happen in the other direction. I also don't really think you can be rejected by someone who doesn't know you very well...so I don't count strangers who don't have interest in me as rejection. Also, since a trait I require in a prospect is at least mutual interest, if it's not there it can't really be considered a prospect anyway. It's a wash.

My question is this: If you could choose the most palatable way to get the bad news, what would it be? What do you do/say when you are let down in a less-than-gracious manner?

I'm almost not picky about the way I hear it...the only problem I would have is someone dragging it out and actually not giving me the information which would keep me from focusing my attention elsewhere. The sooner you tell me the sooner I can take that information and productively make a decision from there.

The biggest thing to remember is not to take a strangers preferences personally.
 DaisyDotes
Joined: 2/6/2014
Msg: 39
Rejection ettiquite
Posted: 2/19/2014 4:14:45 PM
The best way to break up with some one is to make them think it is their idea. Works for me every time.
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 41
Rejection ettiquite
Posted: 2/19/2014 7:28:19 PM
While I did not read this thread in it's entirety.......My personal favorite is the what I call "easy friendzone let down" tactic........

and it goes like this........."Insert your name here - I think you are a wonderful person....talented, professional, educated, charming, caring, kind - (insert any nice adjectives you can think of here) etc etc....but I don't see anything further than friendship.....and we can go to movies, dinner, museums, take day trips (insert your favorite activity here) and I'll give you a call in the next couple days and we can do something"

Funny how the next couple days comes and goes and I never hear from them again.....except for 6-12 - even 18 months down the line with them asking "how I am doing" - aka am I dating anyone because they are bored, lonely, out of options and want to get laid.....LONG after they rejected me......

In the end.......no matter how the rejection comes.....whether the person doesn't answer emails, phone calls, or texts....or they come right out and say it......it still takes a bit out of you as a person, and in some ways does hurt......but ultimately, it's their loss.

But that being said.....no response IS a response.....chicken shit as it may be.....
 TOaks91360
Joined: 11/22/2013
Msg: 42
Rejection ettiquite
Posted: 2/23/2014 7:41:41 PM
I think 'no chemistry' is a decent response after a first date.

I sometimes text 'wink once if we clicked, twice if we didn't'. I'm ok with two winks, lol.

Be grateful you get this message after a first date instead of being rejected over a 3 date/ 3 week period of time while she's evaluating her other choices (I'm sure women deal with this bs too)

If they say no chemistry? Either don't respond or wish them luck:)
 TOaks91360
Joined: 11/22/2013
Msg: 43
Rejection ettiquite
Posted: 2/23/2014 8:02:43 PM
I would be flattered if a woman I found attractive was emailing me everyday. Damn, now I'm the shallow guy that is visual!
 professora
Joined: 7/28/2008
Msg: 44
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Rejection ettiquite
Posted: 2/24/2014 8:03:41 PM
My one and only live in boyfriend moved in after I had lived alone for 20 years.

I'm older and believed by this age, a good relationship would endure without drama, nasty name calling etc. Everything appeared "kosher" and healthy. We are both devoted grandparents, sober, hard working and evenly tempered---or so I thought.

SO wrong! My live in love turned into a nightmare.

With no provocation, he announced one Saturday that he was leaving and insisted he had to tell me why. He added nasty name calling to put the finish on his one man dramatic display of "I don't like you anymore."

Frankly, why would I want to know? To improve my cooking? My behavior? Increase my income? Become more attentive? These were some of the things he listed.

(OP-- he lied to me too but the minute he announced his departure, why care about his lies? His next love will find out--->and I'm better off now).

I don't analyze rejection. It is what it is.
Why be with a person that does not want to be in a relationship with me?
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 45
Rejection ettiquite
Posted: 2/25/2014 3:01:39 AM
My question is this: If you could choose the most palatable way to get the bad news, what would it be?

There's no one-line, though. There's not a single situation. Rejection can happen on many fronts -- from someone mingling with you and after a mutual like that seemed to be going somewhere, it's turned off... or when bantering online.... or on a first date... or after a few dates... or after already datING.... or when in a serious relationship, etc.

What do you do/say when you are let down in a less-than-gracious manner?

That can come in many different flavors. I think the main concept is respect about the other person, #1. It's not so much what you do, but what you don't do that wouldn't be fitting to the situation and not let your gut-reaction take reign.

For myself, just tell me I'm not what you're looking for. It's a lot more honest than saying you're "not ready to date" and two weeks later show up on the arm of a guy who literally still lives in his parents' basement.

True -- that's one of the harshest. That's a lesson on what not to do when you're the rejector. I think "I'm too busy" or "I'm not ready to date" -- many times has *some* truth to it -- but if within the same general time-frame show that it was BS -- yeah, they do deserve to get called out on it. Why? They'll do it again. But what you don't do is let your emotions dictate it though.

When she said "not ready to date," what she meant was "not ready to date....you."

That's not what the statement means, though. It doesn't mean "you" at the end. That'd mean "not right now" -- which again, would be another false statement. Some people aren't ready to be datING anyone, and don't (for a good while). Of course, that's the small minority. Fact is, it's a lie. :) And yes, at some point in our lives, we've all lied like that, I think. Some situations are worse and more brutal than others, though.

Unfortunately I also see her socially fairly regularly, so the temptation to say something is still there. At least for now...

If you see her fairly regularly, the longer you wait, the worse it'd come across if you're upset -- or come across as nothing and won't have much an effect. Their first reaction, by saying something, is going to Want you to be over-reactive because they know they BS'd you. You saying something, say, 3-4 months later? You're not really teaching her an Adequate lesson if you're cool & calm about it and giving her the heads up with disappointment looking her dead in the eye VS a week or so into it. You don't have to make enemies out of it -- but point is, do it sooner rather than later -- be civil, but serious. A stern but non-threatening & not-too-harsh heads-up, "not cool".

Your thing shouldn't be to get her back, but to make her think twice about doing that again. Treat it the same way as a newer social-group friend of yours who agreed to help hook you up with a female group-friend who's around periodically. You and she bantered, seemed to get along great... but at a later point he steps in and says that she's not ready to date and going for her #, it's just going to scare her. Just be a friend... maybe later this summer she may get to like you. So you buy it. But then he takes her home that night and starts to date her... and thru background social chatter hear her talk about "finally being able to meet a guy who asked me out".

Would you never say anything to the guy? I'm not saying going ballistic on him or starting a fight -- but not letting him sweep away any guilt under the rug so he'll continue it again. Say you decide to be cordial with him and still be a friend of his, albeit not a big close one, but pretending he did nothing wrong.... and a few months go by... and he does the same thing to one of your closer friends, which you were not able to find out until later. Wouldn't you regret not having at least said something to him, in a serious but civil manner before?

I'm sure that exact scenario would be very uncommon to play out just like that. Said guy probably wouldn't have done that to a closer friend of yours, and you probably wouldn't hear about him doing so any time he did it. But people are influenced by others... they'll at least think twice about bad stuff -- especially if you're cool, civil, getting the point across -- all while they know they did something wrong if they aren't ignoring it. It helps the world go round.
 usmale6
Joined: 9/14/2013
Msg: 46
Rejection ettiquite
Posted: 2/25/2014 11:45:14 AM
Welcome one and all to the ginormous cat-and-mouse game we call dating. What most people don't understand, is that many people don't want to say "no" to your face... some people don't take rejection well... they don't know you well enough, you might try to rip their head off, or stalk them. Plus, many want to be the first to reject - he who rejects first is usually the one who gets to exercise their free will and feels better about the whole deal. When the love plane is going down, there is only one parachute.

So, many try to reject you softly, so they can scurry under a door and get away before you can reject them, before you know what happened. This is all learned in the formative years as children... it's subconscious, not malicious. The games people play!

Rejection is one of the worst emotions. There is only one way to reject nicely... to make them think it's their own idea... so ask them how they feel about married people dating (suggesting you might be married), and watch them disappear!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 47
Rejection ettiquite
Posted: 2/25/2014 11:54:10 AM

I don't analyze rejection. It is what it is.
Why be with a person that does not want to be in a relationship with me?

Exactly. And this is the bottom line. If you won't consider someone that doesn't want you - none of this matters.
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 48
Rejection ettiquite
Posted: 3/15/2014 8:21:27 PM
If you could choose the most palatable way to get the bad news, what would it be?


She brings her twin sister along to the scene of the breakup and says:

"I'm breaking up with you, but my twin sister likes you, so she is going to take my place."



A guy can dream.
 Booky3
Joined: 5/25/2013
Msg: 49
Rejection ettiquite
Posted: 3/16/2014 7:38:18 PM
Fella you'll never get what you want if you turn tail and run every time a woman says NO. I've seen women change their mind like the wind, maybe it's an emotional wind but still they change.

On my old account of PassionateGent I had a few women I continued to message AFTER rejection. Usually with a sense of humor, and a few of them changed their mind and accepted a date...Maybe I caught them when they were bored and wanted to do something on the weekend, or maybe they thought this A-hole will continue to message me unless I give him a pity date...hehe

Fella you have but one life to live, so If you feel that burning passion for a woman on any site, don't give up the first time she says NO. You just have to convince her she might be making a mistake, or it would be FUN to hang with you.

Get er done you can do it.
 margareta08
Joined: 2/28/2014
Msg: 50
Rejection ettiquite
Posted: 3/17/2014 3:32:15 AM
Call a woman on what? That she prefers to be with someone else. SO be it.
I would just say "I am not feeling the chemistry" or tell the guy my reasons perhaps but that can cause resentment.
Women often say they just want to be friends to be kind but get the message across that they dont find you hot. Some guys still dont get it and then she is forced to be a bit more upfront.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 51
Rejection ettiquite
Posted: 3/17/2014 9:05:26 AM

Fella you'll never get what you want if you turn tail and run every time a woman says NO. I've seen women change their mind like the wind, maybe it's an emotional wind but still they change.

Please respect a woman's choice. No is the end of the conversation, not the beginning of a negotiation. If a woman says no and then changes her mind, it's because she's unstable, or has decided to give you a chance likely to kill some time. Are you OK with dating someone like this?

On my old account of PassionateGent I had a few women I continued to message AFTER rejection. Usually with a sense of humor, and a few of them changed their mind and accepted a date...Maybe I caught them when they were bored and wanted to do something on the weekend, or maybe they thought this A-hole will continue to message me unless I give him a pity date...hehe

And you are OK with dating someone who feels this way about you even though it will likely go nowhere?

Fella you have but one life to live, so If you feel that burning passion for a woman on any site, don't give up the first time she says NO. You just have to convince her she might be making a mistake, or it would be FUN to hang with you.

Get er done you can do it.

You are one of the guys I can personally thank for the guys that have tried to convince me after I have said no that I should reconsider. How annoying. It offends me that some people think your express decision isn't something they need to pay attention to. "I'm going to date you even if you don't have any interest in me."

How charming.
 TOaks91360
Joined: 11/22/2013
Msg: 52
Rejection ettiquite
Posted: 3/20/2014 8:17:19 AM
I thought NO meant YES??
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 53
Rejection ettiquite
Posted: 3/20/2014 1:59:06 PM
drake79psu- People don't take rejection well, it hurts.
I do with honesty, something like, "you are a great guy, but we aren't a match".
The thing is, EVERY time they insist on why.
It's that awkwardness that follows a request for an explanation that leads to many a person taking the passive/aggressive route and telling a white lie.
It would be so much easier if people would just accept that no means no.
 margareta08
Joined: 2/28/2014
Msg: 54
Rejection ettiquite
Posted: 3/21/2014 2:54:09 AM
Old hag
You say you are not here to date right?? Forums only? So why would anyone message you and of course you wouldnt care, right??
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 55
Rejection ettiquite
Posted: 3/21/2014 7:06:12 AM

Old hag
You say you are not here to date right?? Forums only? So why would anyone message you and of course you wouldnt care, right??

Ha - I wish when I was single but wasn't looking, or wasn't single, or some other form of non participation etc no one would message me anyway. Fat chance. Very few people read profiles, unfortunately.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 56
Rejection ettiquite
Posted: 5/1/2014 3:39:11 PM
My dream rejection from her would be 'lets stay FWB until either of us meets someone'...

Bamagrl, yes, you are correct. I've been rejected and quickly wondered why, knowing that I should not have asked. I felt bad the way I handled the rejection. I know better then to try fighting for someone's affection or selling myself to a person.

While it does hurt, I do believe when someone says no connection, that you should humbly walk away and not beat yourself up about it. Easier said then done! I actually complemented her for the way she told me to my face instead of fading away and leaving me wondering. I totally respected her etiquette.

For both genders, the rejection is worse once you've been intimate already. That really stings.

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