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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > I need advise on how to fix my friendship with my best friend.      Home login  
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 basilisk123
Joined: 12/17/2011
Msg: 29
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I need advise on how to fix my friendship with my best friend.Page 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
"Being in my 60s and knowing full well what dating situations are like...you are the one projecting OP, that's the point you keep missing. Personally, I don't project, haven't in years, not since I did something about my issues that ended up in situations just like you are in now. You could learn a lot from people who have been there/done that/figured it out. This girl is either using you for an ego boost or you are making a big fantasy out someone trying to be friendly but not at all interested in anything romantic with you. It's as big as the sky to pretty much everyone posting in this thread, except for you. That's why people keep saying it, because you aren't getting it yet. The reason most people post isn't to project their issues, it's to help someone who asked for the help. Don't ask questions you don't want honest answers to. This is not the type of forum where the majority of posters are going to mollycoddle anyone. They take the time to give honest answers because they care enough to offer someone something they received when they were in need of a wake up."

You see, thats what I don't get. I got the advice I needed, but for some reason you want to beat a dead horse. I am sorry, but I don't understand why you feel the need to keep at it. Let me spell it out for you, so we are on the same page. My bestfriend's and my friendship is over and all romantic feelings I had are also being shuffled out the proverbial door. Now I am friendless and only have my computer and work till I can make new friends, which is not an easy task for me for reasons I stated before. The fact is, you are not helping anyone. You just keep bringing up the friendship I just lost with the only person outside of my family who actually gave half a shit about me. Now. If you don't mind, I would like to move on with my life.
 wooweewoo13
Joined: 7/7/2013
Msg: 30
I need advise on how to fix my friendship with my best friend.
Posted: 4/2/2014 7:25:31 AM
Sheees....I would say your talking to hear yourself talk.....friends come and go and if your adults....talking is a solution....if it works great and if not.....well.............
 Westernguy
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 31
I need advise on how to fix my friendship with my best friend.
Posted: 4/2/2014 9:04:58 AM

You see, thats what I don't get. I got the advice I needed, but for some reason you want to beat a dead horse. I am sorry, but I don't understand why you feel the need to keep at it



Once a thread is started in these forums it may start out as advice to YOU but inevitably it will be about the TOPIC itself. If you look around you will notice from time to time people digging up old threads to comment on where the original poster is long gone .




Westernguy
 the_regency
Joined: 12/20/2013
Msg: 32
I need advise on how to fix my friendship with my best friend.
Posted: 4/2/2014 12:30:17 PM
Why so serious? So, someone interjects some humour into your thread and you get p*ssed about it? It's not like the topic of this thread is about the death of someone, or about a divorce, it's about someone having the "hot's" for someone and the other person not feeling the same way FCS! And yea, I realize it's probably a little more difficult in your case because of the friendship thing, but still. I'm pretty sure we've all been there at least once in our life.


It was glaringly obvious to me that this is a big deal and a sensitive issue to him. She's been his closest friend for a long time, and that's gotta hurt, walking away from it. We all have different issues affecting us, not to judge.

Good luck O.P. Sounds like you have made a wise decision and remember that when one door closes another opens. Enter the void, deep breath and know you have done the right thing. Be patient as new options in life unfold for you.
 grizzelda
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 33
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I need advise on how to fix my friendship with my best friend.
Posted: 4/2/2014 12:47:27 PM
^^^^^^That's the thing though, he is choosing to walk away rather than accept that there is no physical attraction there and never has been. This has nothing to do with their friendship and everything to do with his fixation on her. He is doing nothing but avoiding a problem that he created by trying to push it on to her.

Has no one ever been able to get over a crush on someone? Holy Shit, I probably had 5 or 6 serious crushes in my teens and early 20's, but I never felt that I had to isolate my self completely from these people, what good does that do? It doesn't change any thing and it certainly doesn't help develop the skills to deal with rejection or disapointment.

Has no one ever had that spark happen even when they are in an established relationship themselves and not been able to move past it? The OP is choosing to not move past it. I find it hard to believe that not one single person has been able to deal with the idea that their attraction is not reciprocated, without all the drama of cutting someone, who is supposed to be their only friend out of their life completely.

I would not be too surprised if the OP was trying to be a little passive aggressive here with this woman and was hoping that she may respond to his drastic move by trying to force her hand with it.
 basilisk123
Joined: 12/17/2011
Msg: 34
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I need advise on how to fix my friendship with my best friend.
Posted: 4/2/2014 2:25:55 PM
Cautiousluv, I actually liked the troll post, I wasn't pissed about it. I lol'ed and even was gonna double down on it, but I reached my post limit for this thread, and by the time I was able to post, the timing was off. So I congratulated the poster of the troll comment instead. I apologize for the overdramatics though, I tend to be meloncholy guy at night. I have no clue why.
 basilisk123
Joined: 12/17/2011
Msg: 35
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I need advise on how to fix my friendship with my best friend.
Posted: 4/2/2014 3:00:04 PM
Cautiousluv, I actually liked the troll post, I wasn't pissed about it. I lol'ed and even was gonna double down on it, but I reached my post limit for this thread, and by the time I was able to post, the timing was off. So I congratulated the poster of the troll comment instead. I apologize for the overdramatics, I tend to be meloncholy guy at night. I have no clue why.
 basilisk123
Joined: 12/17/2011
Msg: 36
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I need advise on how to fix my friendship with my best friend.
Posted: 4/3/2014 5:04:16 PM
I see what Snoody is saying. She is correct in that a senior will not date the same way as a young person. Mainly because a senior has way more experience usually. At the same time even though sex is pretty much a constant through every generation, general dating and relationship etiquette is not.

@grizzelda
I think I made it quite plain that there is no mutual phyisical attraction between me an my ex bestfriend in my first post of this thread. I mentioned she does not want me multiple times. As for being passive aggressive to force her hand. I think you are giving me too much credit. I can't plan that far ahead. The reason I am walking away is precisely because I can't control my feelings of jealousy. If I don't fix it soon it's just going to fester until I become the type of man I really don't want to be. My walking away is a requirement to me healing. I am afraid our friendship is past the point of no return for saving it in it's past form.
 the_regency
Joined: 12/20/2013
Msg: 37
I need advise on how to fix my friendship with my best friend.
Posted: 4/3/2014 6:59:11 PM
Opposite sex friendships are a bit different than same sex. I've found that if I don't keep that extra distance they can soon to turn to romantic feelings on one side or the other. And that distance is never defined and can be difficult to manage. As a result I simply choose not to spend too much one on one time with opposite sex friends regardless of their age. Your generation seems to have lost that common sense and is becoming a high drama culture with not enough boundaries to keep things clear. Thank you Hollywood....not!
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 38
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I need advise on how to fix my friendship with my best friend.
Posted: 4/3/2014 7:17:40 PM

Opposite sex friendships are a bit different than same sex. I've found that if I don't keep that extra distance they can soon to turn to romantic feelings on one side or the other. And that distance is never defined and can be difficult to manage. As a result I simply choose not to spend too much one on one time with opposite sex friends regardless of their age. Your generation seems to have lost that common sense and is becoming a high drama culture with not enough boundaries to keep things clear. Thank you Hollywood....not!

Huh...what?!?
You talk like opposite sex friendships never existed before....
just because you were never able to do it......sure as hell doesn't mean the rest of us couldn't have an opposite sex friendship that actually worked.....sheesh!
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 39
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I need advise on how to fix my friendship with my best friend.
Posted: 4/4/2014 6:10:29 PM
Now that's funny, old people don't know about 20 year old's dating. How do you think we managed to get to our 60s, do you think we skipped our 20s and went right into being in our 30s? If you are in your 30s, how can you possibly know what it's like to be 20, going by your thought process. Trust me, when you get to be in your 60s, you'll find out how silly that is, we do have experience and we do remember being 20 and everything being so intense, we remember it quite well. Not everyone of course, but most older people can give you some pretty good advice, it's just that when someone doesn't really want help, they just want to emote, then of course they do not want to hear anything logical.

Things are not different because people are not different, technology changes, the so-called fads of the time change but people, they are the same as they've always been. And I don't mean they are all alike, they are all individuals but the types of individuals that people fall into, are the same. People haven't evolve into totally different types from when we 60 year olds were in our 20s. Young people tend to think that everything is new because it is new to them. They've never been this age before, it's hard to realize all us old people as young, intense kids, but everyone who gets to their 20s has been there, even great-great old grandma who people like to think didn't go boy crazy or have sex outside of marriage (or with more than one boy) or have a mad crush on a friend, etc., we all go through that stage and the year on the calendar does not make people different.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 40
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I need advise on how to fix my friendship with my best friend.
Posted: 4/4/2014 11:40:48 PM
And that's my point, no they didn't have to marry the girl, they often didn't marry the girl, it all depended on the individual and the individuals place in society, just as it does now. One day in 50 years some one will be telling their grandchildren that in the 14s nobody got married, they all lived together, every one had three-ways...it's not true, but that's how history, by word of mouth, gets so distorted. The history of sex is quite involved and shows a very different truth as to people and sexual activity and the lies our ancestors told us. Go all the way back to our forefathers, read some of their sexual escapades, read a book I think is titled The History of Sex, take a good look at the real sex lives of people throughout history, it's nothing like the movies or TV shows.
 basilisk123
Joined: 12/17/2011
Msg: 41
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I need advise on how to fix my friendship with my best friend.
Posted: 4/5/2014 5:03:42 AM
"My mother married and divorced 3 times, and me and my sibling have different fathers and by our teens we were brought up by a single parent.
Not sure what generation your talking about , but mums in her 60s."

Not stay married, just get married. It was my father's generation. He would be in his sixties as well if he was still alive Reading over my earlier comment again. I realize I made a sad mistake. I seamed to be perpetrating a stereotype. While my father and grandmother was exactly like I said, I realize it wasn't true for everyone now that I stop to think about it.
My bad.
 Ilovechristmas25
Joined: 1/21/2014
Msg: 42
I need advise on how to fix my friendship with my best friend.
Posted: 4/5/2014 9:28:03 AM
forumite totally agree with you. My friend of 20 yrs, Rich, has had a rocky relationship with a female for the last 6 or so years. I never met her but take her as "high maintenance" where I never get to see my platonic friend for a BS session once every month, but there has never anything between us. These types of relations with the opposite sex are the greatest. However, what I wouldn't give for an intellectual conversation with men and women. It's kind of hard because the Sierra Club in my area has next to no hikes now compared to what it had in the 1990s.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 43
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I need advise on how to fix my friendship with my best friend.
Posted: 4/5/2014 2:26:43 PM
since individuality will make a difference between one 20 year old and another 20 year old....
and between one 60 year old and another...

all this haggling back and forth is really moot!

how one age range dates really has no set rules.....whether in was 1970 or 2014.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 44
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I need advise on how to fix my friendship with my best friend.
Posted: 4/5/2014 3:35:13 PM
My grandmother was married 4 times, she was born in 1908, she had two sons, by different fathers and had tattoos. She also worked, my mother worked, many women have had jobs while being married/raising kids. This sort of distorted view of the good old days happens because of movies, TV shows and because almost all of our parents/grandparents/great grandparents are going to lie and not tell you about their true actions because they don't want you to do it and because they are embarrassed. My father, who was born in 1927, use to wear a pocket watch in his ear like some sort of freakshow earring, right after he got out of the Army, and he had lots of tattoos. There's really nothing new going on now, and many people doing their thing now will lie about it later to their children and grandchildren. It's human nature. My point of course is, people tend to think now-a-days is different because it's all they know, it's all new to them, but it's been done before and many are well experienced and mostly trying to save you from yourself, which never works, but it's human nature to try.

Twenty year olds aren't different than when I was in my 20s, other than they have the internet and cell phones, but you don't miss what you don't know about. We spent hours talking on the phone to our friends, we dated, we did drugs, we drank, we went to parties, we went to clubs and danced, we thought old people didn't know anything, we thought everything was new, we made mistakes, we had relationships, etc. Is the lingo different, well yeah, but the slang words mean the same thing, we didn't invent the situations, just the slang. Just because we said groovy, and gnarly, and right on, doesn't mean we were doing anything differently than people texting emoticons and using a 4 instead of typing four. We hung out, met boys instead of waiting for them to pick up us at our home's meeting our parents, like Betty on Father Knows Best, we didn't live the lives of phony movie & TV characters either. Girls were still confused bout guys and guys were still confused about girls. There were just as many kids wondering about their sexuality, just as many who wondered if they were gay. Lots of kids had sex, lots of teen pregnancies, lots of teen crime, lots of molestations/rapes, lots of abortions and all that same stuff you read about today. New technology makes the world seem smaller but all that new technology of my youth was seen as new fangled stuff to my parents, who had the same things going on in their youth except it was all about the new technology of their day. What is it you think is going on with kids in their 20s today that wasn't going on back in everyone's youth, other than newer technology?
 phule
Joined: 4/8/2004
Msg: 45
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I need advise on how to fix my friendship with my best friend.
Posted: 4/10/2014 2:40:23 AM

I think I made it quite plain that there is no mutual phyisical attraction between me an my ex bestfriend in my first post of this thread. I mentioned she does not want me multiple times. As for being passive aggressive to force her hand. I think you are giving me too much credit. I can't plan that far ahead. The reason I am walking away is precisely because I can't control my feelings of jealousy.


You really needed to stop and think for a few minutes before taking any action. I mean, the one of the first questions that should have been swimming around in your head is "Why do I need closure here?" You say that you can't control your feelings of jealousy, but you can. You may not believe you can, or you may not know how... but you can. So, why do you feel the need for closure? Why is it not possible for you to accept how things are, actually *be* a friend to her (which means being available, honest, etc... just like you would for any other friend, no more, no less)? The future? Plan/Scheme/Plot all you like, but when it comes down to it, no one knows what the future holds. Be a friend to her now, and let her be a friend to you.

I realize that you want her, and that it feels like you can't NOT want her, and you can't stop thinking of certain things. Well... that's all on you, actually. Fixing it by severing all ties because you can't get what you want out of it... that doesn't fix anything. Your feelings are still there, but now buried beneath levels of forced finality, and stories you tell yourself to justify the actions you took. Nothing is fixed.

As a side note, the best relationships appear to be between best friends who have sex, and lock futures with rings and vows and special tax consideration. So, I don't believe that it is true that you cannot be good friends with someone you love. I think it is a requirement. However, I think many people confuse their infatuation and the work they do to get close to their infatuation, with close friendship. If you and she ever had a real friendship, it is strong enough to survive this... providing you come clean and actually work to move forward. If your friendship was really based on getting close to her to make her yours.... well.... then maybe closure is the best bet.
 basilisk123
Joined: 12/17/2011
Msg: 46
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I need advise on how to fix my friendship with my best friend.
Posted: 4/10/2014 3:50:50 AM
@phule
I really would have liked to believe that there is still hope. Maybe at one point there was, but not anymore. I just get the feeling she doean't want me around anymore, which is completely understandable. The straw that broke the camels back was when she invited me to go dancing. I am a horrible dancer, I totally suck at it and am very self conscious. It was supposed to be her friend, a guy her friend was dating, her and me. The guy called off the last possible second, so it was only us 3 left. I should have bailed too, but I didn't. Anyways, they were really oggling this guy that was there, so I decided to take my leave and head to the back room to play some pool. About 20-30 minutes later she finds me and asks why I left, I told her that men won't ask her to dance if I am around her. She denied it and we went back to our table after a final game of pool. No one was dancing at this point, all the patrons were at the bar. She encouraged me to get up onto the dance floor, despite knowing full well I can't dance. I said what the hell and got up there, just the three of us danced, but of course I dance horribly, I was really self councious and embarrassed that everyone was looking at me laughing. I looked at her and she acted like she didn't even know me at all, and gave me a look that said she "she didn't know me and she would rather be anywhere but there". Needless to say I was almost embarrassed to tears. I took solace in the fact that at least I had the guts to get up on the dance floor, unlike all except 1-2 other guys in that place. It was the only thing keeping me from running out of that place, crying. After that, I couldn't keep that look she gave me out of my head. I felt abandoned. It's an idiotic immature emotion, I know, but every time I think about her I keep seeing that look she gave me. That was our last real time out together, besides a couple of dinners. I don't know, I am just a stupid moron.
 grizzelda
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 47
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I need advise on how to fix my friendship with my best friend.
Posted: 4/10/2014 5:34:19 AM

She encouraged me to get up onto the dance floor, despite knowing full well I can't dance. I said what the hell and got up there, just the three of us danced, but of course I dance horribly, I was really self councious and embarrassed that everyone was looking at me laughing. I looked at her and she acted like she didn't even know me at all, and gave me a look that said she "she didn't know me and she would rather be anywhere but there". Needless to say I was almost embarrassed to tears.

^^^THIS is the woman you called your "best friend"? I can see why it ended. What I don't understand is why you ever put her up on a pedestal. Never put people on pedestals. People are flawed.


I see it another way, the OP needs her to be the bad guy in this whole thing, rather than him accept that he his behavior has been the real problem all along. None of this makes sense to me, why would any reasonable person put up with all the drama that comes with being friends with OP? I think the OP sees what he wants to see and ignores every thing else that doesn't fit with the narrative he has got going on in his head.

Sure there are people out there that aren't all that great and some real ***holes, and they will use people to get what they want, but I don't see what this woman could possible be getting out of this friendship other than some serious drama from the OP, the Op admits that she was clear from the beginning, that there was never a chance for something more and the OP told her he was OK with that. If his behavior in real life is anything like his posts are, what exactly is she getting out of being friends with this guy? She isn't accepting dinner dates, the OP isn't bankrolling their nights out, in fact it sounds like a pretty decent friendship where she seems to actually have some consideration for the OP. What exactly is she doing that makes her so nasty?

The OP is the one putting all the nuances into the looks, the behaviors, etc. But she has been honest from the start, maybe it is the OP who is the person that needs to be removed from her life, as he is the one that seems to be causing all the toxicity here.

Why would I not be surprised if the OP chimes in with how he has been paying all along but he just forgot to mention it....
 basilisk123
Joined: 12/17/2011
Msg: 48
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I need advise on how to fix my friendship with my best friend.
Posted: 4/10/2014 6:13:59 AM
"I see it another way, the OP needs her to be the bad guy in this whole thing, rather than him accept that he his behavior has been the real problem all along. None of this makes sense to me, why would any reasonable person put up with all the drama that comes with being friends with OP? I think the OP sees what he wants to see and ignores every thing else that doesn't fit with the narrative he has got going on in his head.

Sure there are people out there that aren't all that great and some real ***holes, and they will use people to get what they want, but I don't see what this woman could possible be getting out of this friendship other than some serious drama from the OP, the Op admits that she was clear from the beginning, that there was never a chance for something more and the OP told her he was OK with that. If his behavior in real life is anything like his posts are, what exactly is she getting out of being friends with this guy? She isn't accepting dinner dates, the OP isn't bankrolling their nights out, in fact it sounds like a pretty decent friendship where she seems to actually have some consideration for the OP. What exactly is she doing that makes her so nasty?

The OP is the one putting all the nuances into the looks, the behaviors, etc. But she has been honest from the start, maybe it is the OP who is the person that needs to be removed from her life, as he is the one that seems to be causing all the toxicity here.

Why would I not be surprised if the OP chimes in with how he has been paying all along but he just forgot to mention it...."
The super villian talk again? really? (rolls eyes) Ok, you caught me, I confess I am not a psychic and can only tell my experiences from my point of view as I saw and experienced them.
Honestly grizzle, I really don't care one way or the other whether you believe me or not. Your mind is made up about me and nothing I can say will ever change how you think about me. If you want me to be a scoundrel so you can play detective grizzle, go right on ahead.
 TigerMan54
Joined: 2/23/2014
Msg: 49
I need advise on how to fix my friendship with my best friend.
Posted: 4/10/2014 6:19:22 AM
The more time you spend obsessing over this woman friend the less time you will have to find a real girl friend.

Chill out and spread out.
 grizzelda
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 50
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I need advise on how to fix my friendship with my best friend.
Posted: 4/10/2014 6:27:42 AM
^^^^^^^^^ Here we go again with the drama OP, maybe you can tell us exactly why you think this woman is spending time with you if she is not getting money, free dinners or just a plain old ego boost, better yet, why dont you explain to us why you want to have a relationship with a woman you clearly think has no problem treating you with such disdain and disrespect then.

That is what doesn't add up in all of your narrative, you are the one that keeps ratcheting up the drama and coming in here and replaying it for all to read, you are the one using words that are designed to elicit pity from the posters in this thread. Super Villain? Hardly, your situation and behavior is as common as fleas on a dog, your just the ubiquitous nice guy who isn't getting his way and now is trying to blame her for your poor behavior. Sorry I am not participating in your pity parade...
 basilisk123
Joined: 12/17/2011
Msg: 51
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I need advise on how to fix my friendship with my best friend.
Posted: 4/10/2014 6:27:52 AM
"The more time you spend obsessing over this woman friend the less time you will have to find a real girl friend.

Chill out and spread out."
Truer words were never spoken, except the girlfriend part, I don't think thats gonna happen anytime soon.

No contact in 3 weeks, as soon as I can get out of this damn night shift I can start having a life again were I dont have to spend 10+ hrs going down bad memory lane because I have nothing to do and have a wandering mind.
 basilisk123
Joined: 12/17/2011
Msg: 52
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I need advise on how to fix my friendship with my best friend.
Posted: 4/10/2014 7:34:59 AM
"^^^^^^^^^ Here we go again with the drama OP, maybe you can tell us exactly why you think this woman is spending time with you if she is not getting money, free dinners or just a plain old ego boost, better yet, why dont you explain to us why you want to have a relationship with a woman you clearly think has no problem treating you with such disdain and disrespect then.

That is what doesn't add up in all of your narrative, you are the one that keeps ratcheting up the drama and coming in here and replaying it for all to read, you are the one using words that are designed to elicit pity from the posters in this thread. Super Villain? Hardly, your situation and behavior is as common as fleas on a dog, your just the ubiquitous nice guy who isn't getting his way and now is trying to blame her for your poor behavior. Sorry I am not participating in your pity parade..."

And the wheels keep on spinning... :-/
 JDADDI
Joined: 8/15/2007
Msg: 53
I need advise on how to fix my friendship with my best friend.
Posted: 4/19/2014 3:25:09 AM
That is real,so many have lost contact with what is real.life is but a cycle,when it is over it is over.it is not about what you got out it but what did you bring to it.it is better yo give than recv.but it means to Life.from that since all is inner conected All benifit.
When you learn to truily love Life,joy,fun peace,anf mates come naturally.people will ask you for your attention and time.
Remember This little light of mine lol thats real.let a light shine on you in your darkness see how glad you will be. Is your Light on? More than a mate i hope each of you find yourself and your light.
I promise you your search will be brightened.
The beauty of it now days if you shine just a little you will Glow in here lol and life..
Heres a thought,enjoy what you Have while you strive for what you Want...
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