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 AUTHOR
 Ladyinred4755
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 22
When they wont accept its overPage 2 of 2    (1, 2)
Well OP, I suspect there is more going on, than what you have revealed to us. Just sayin'.
To address your main question. If and when, a person is blindsided, they tend to react, just the same as your very recent BF did. He's not doing anything unusual.
I admit, if you attempted to communicate previously with him about your feelings/needs and he didn't take you seriously, it can be frustrating. However, jumping into another relationship, just because the kissing was so great(?), is hardly a mature way to handle this situation.
Frying pan? Fire?
If all it took was a great? kiss for you to see "the light", AND run, have you considered the meaning behind "honeymoon phase"?
There is more to a relationship than the euphoric sensation of a great? kiss.
I suggest you take a step back, take everything into consideration, (good dad, ?children involved here?), do a little "soul searching", BY YOURSELF (no romantic interest involved) for at least two weeks, see if the stress factor goes down, THEN make a choice to return or move on.
These things, DO involve other people, adults and children?
 WALK4ESTWALK
Joined: 3/16/2014
Msg: 23
When they wont accept its over
Posted: 4/2/2014 1:53:03 PM
Not that I believe this story, but I'll respond. I can't imagine a relationship ending when out of the blue one tells the other it's over. Most relationships end with both knowing why it ended. If you just say "it's over" and expect the other to just walk away, I would hope you are telling your next target that this is how you end relationships. You might be surprised that he says not a problem. Tell your old boyfriend that your a player, and he's been played. If he's got any sense you'll never hear from him again.
 WALK4ESTWALK
Joined: 3/16/2014
Msg: 24
When they wont accept its over
Posted: 4/2/2014 3:06:35 PM
This story is too vague. She ended the relationship, then kissed someone, nothing wrong there. Starts relationships quick, but still, nothing wrong there.

She wasn't happy in the relationship. My question, how long weren't you happy? If it was 9 months ago, why did you remain in the relationship until now?

Was the problems serious, or trivial. Did he leave the towel on the floor after showering, or did he have other girlfriends on the side.

What is he willing to do now that he wasn't willing to do before?

If she throws a curve into the mix like "I told him he has to move out by the first of the month" that could cause some to focus on how quick she moved in with him.

This story will have so many perceptions because it doesn't give enough details. The only thing it is focusing on is that he won't let it go.
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 25
When they wont accept its over
Posted: 4/2/2014 4:09:33 PM
say whaaaaaaaat????????

You knew all along in your gut your ex bf wasn't the one for you, yet you strung him a long for 10 months? AND kissed your co-worker?????

And all of a sudden you had the "Ah ha" moment????? Talk about slutty, trashy, and snarky........

You should have ended it with him before you started locking lips with your co-worker, or anyone else for that matter.

Speaking of which......you DO know the possible legal ramifications of getting involved with a co-worker......right?????? Are you sure HE isn't married or with someone????

Do you really want the potential of explaining yourself to a judge on the 9th Federal Circuit Court of Appeals because you are embroiled in a sexual harrassment suit????? I've seen those grind through the courts for years on end......you think you are under stress now, you haven't seen anything yet.

If you have a SHRED of intelligence, you would forget the ex bf - block his emails, texts and any correspondence, and NOT get involved with your co-worker and get your sh*t together and your head screwed on straight before getting someone ELSE involved.
 WALK4ESTWALK
Joined: 3/16/2014
Msg: 26
When they wont accept its over
Posted: 4/3/2014 1:17:22 PM
She also says: This is making me feel ill. I had a bad skin allergy/infection before Christmas and I am sure its stress related as it has flared up again.

Can anyone say "herpes". It's not like she's promiscuous or anything.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 29
When they wont accept its over
Posted: 4/9/2014 7:31:16 AM
WTF??
Herpes? Sexual harrasment legal actions?
People!
They broke up!
He doesn't want to let go!
Yes, he may have been blindsided.
But having more conversation,spending time together to let him down easy-whatever!?
Big fat EN to the OH.

As for the good father thing, if there is a mutual child involved here, then yes, they may have to make some legal financial arrangements, but it seems to me like the OP would have mentioned a mutual child(ren). I'm more inclined to think that maybe the OP already has a child or children and her ex was a parental figure.
Sad for the kids if they had bonded with the man, but this is a risk that one takes in dating/relationships when one is a single parent.
OP, I don't agree with seeing him or spending "in person" time with him. If there are practical matters to be resolved you may have to have personal contact, but otherwise I think you have to go "no contact".

And, I have to disagree-every day relationships and marriages break up with one partner not having the faintest idea that the breakup was coming. So, yeah, the OPs ex-bf could have been caught flat-footed. I feel badly for the guy but I see no point in having little visits, 'spending time" or other "closure" exercises. In fact if the man feels like he can somehow MAKE the relationship be re-instated, things could get nasty.
Cindy O
 WALK4ESTWALK
Joined: 3/16/2014
Msg: 30
When they wont accept its over
Posted: 4/9/2014 5:19:30 PM
goddess,

While my opinion isn't worth mentioning as much as yours, and for this I do apologize and am working on this, please bear with me until I can meet your expectations.

Your opinions, as always, brighten my day. They move me. Regularly. Usually in the morning.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 32
When they wont accept its over
Posted: 4/10/2014 8:05:30 AM
Wow, 4est! Thanks for the resounding endorsement!
If you find you often have some difficulty moving, I suggest a vegetable/herbal product called Swiss Criss. I cannot always be available to post moving comments and observation, and I 'd hate to think of you being in a bind.
OT, the OP has been given a lot of sound advice about dealing with her present situation. I agree that dating co-workers, customers, business contacts or ones' professional advisors( Dr, attny, minister) can entail some risk but I don't think this particular situation is basis for any poster to give birth to a litter of kittens or twin calves...
JMO.
Cindy O
 WALK4ESTWALK
Joined: 3/16/2014
Msg: 33
When they wont accept its over
Posted: 4/10/2014 10:34:34 AM
No problem moving, goddess

I see the OP as possibly having herpes, you see the OP as being a self-diagnosing physician.

You read my compliment as something else, yet I have the see the world through only your eyes.

I think you are a Hippocrite.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 34
When they wont accept its over
Posted: 4/12/2014 9:08:13 AM
The word is "hypocrite", dear.
I'm not one. I'd tell you what I think YOU are, but let's just say that 'd like to keep my unhypocritical ass out of banned camp- a place that speaking an unvarnished opinion has sometimes sent me.

IMO, this is a very common and almost classic example of one person deciding to end a dating or a pair-bond relationship and the other one trying to undo that decision. The OP may never have experienced this. She may be feeling a certain amount of regret, doubt, guilt or some combination of those emotions. But it does sound as though her mind is thoroughly made up to the break-up.
I don't see what good it does to attack her with lectures of what MIGHT have happened.

OP, I have seen and myself experienced situations where one person makes a decision to end a relationship and the other person tries every way he or she can, to re-instate the relationship. Yes, even tactics such as stalking, threats, types of social or emotional blackmail, even violence.
If this escalates to the point where you fear harm to yourself, your possessions, or sabotage of your employment, then you may need to seek professional guidance.
Otherwise, just be firm that the relationship is over and patient with your ex's attempts to revive it.
Cindy O
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 35
view profile
History
When they wont accept its over
Posted: 4/12/2014 9:14:51 PM
OP, I understand what you are saying as if it is happening to me all over again. This same thing that is happening to you (contacting friends etc) has happened to me 2 decades ago and I am still traumatized by the experience. It’s obsessive compulsive. Unfortunately he is sick and it is not your fault.

There is nothing flattering about someone in denial who won’t stop leaving you alone when you have broken up. No means no. So, yes, it is extremely stressful trying to cope with such abuse because you don’t know what else he is in denial of. Scary stuff. In my case I had to get a restraining order. Good luck, hun. You’re lucky your friend is standing by you and smart enough not to be manipulated.

How do you cope with it? Try not to be alone so you don't have to go through it by yourself and this will also discourage him to contact you. You can have a friend answer your phone so he knows you have back up and support!
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 36
When they wont accept its over
Posted: 5/2/2014 6:31:03 PM
When ending a relationship, via a 'dumping' or a 'divorce', the dumper has made a selfish choice to pursue their own happiness, at the expense of the dumpee. This is the dumper's prerogative and the dumpee accepted the risk of the relationship ending when the relationship started. Same with having friends. We accept the risk of helping them with their dramas.

While NO means NO, I think the dumper should show some compassion and be a little tolerant of questions from the dumpee.

That being said, the above would only apply to compatibility or lifestyle conflicts, not to abusive situations.

I don't think emails asking for clarification of why by the dumpee are unreasonable. Excessive texting, visiting friends or cyber bullying (I don't consider emails cyber bullying) or any other stalkerish behavior are unacceptable.

Basically, if the dumper feels remorse, then they should be compassionate of the dumpee.

Rant over.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 37
view profile
History
When they wont accept its over
Posted: 5/3/2014 1:34:59 AM
For how long should she be compassionate? She said:

Problem is he cant seem to accept that its over. He has constantly text and phoned me over the week saying things he will do to make it right between us. I wont go back to him, but need advice on how to cope. This is making me feel ill.

She is unable to cope and feels ill. Damn her for not feeling compassionate instead.
 Michael7482
Joined: 3/12/2013
Msg: 38
When they wont accept its over
Posted: 5/3/2014 7:02:14 AM
I'm not saying he should be doing what he's doing, he should stop. However look at this from his perspective, he lost a girlfriend and his child. You cheated on him according to your opening post and that would be hard on anyone. It's in his best interest and your sake he should move on. It must be miserable for him as well to be hung up on someone who doesn't love him.
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 39
When they wont accept its over
Posted: 5/3/2014 10:18:56 AM
OK, if they do have a kid together, OP needs to be the adult and focus on what's best for the kid. It shouldn't be with 2 parents that aren't into each other, but blocking the father from her life kind of puts their petty issue above the kid. So if they do both have a kid, everyone saying to block is giving the worst possible advice they can be giving... Because once you have a kid, it's not about your life anymore, it's about your kid's.

If there's no kid... OP kind of dropped a huge bomb on him. To just be dumped out of the blue is pretty sudden.

I think something big is missing from this story. She dated a guy for 10 months, but kissed her coworker while she was with him. Something like this isn't an accident. Your face doesn't just fall into another guys face and in a mass confusion you put your tongue into his mouth, because why not? I think the ex sees it for what it really is... She met a new guy, and found a new toy, and just like almost every single time stuff like this happens, when the new guy doesn't turn out to be so great, she goes back, so why wait?

Either way, OP made a long series of selfish decisions and hopefully the ex moves on soon, because he probably deserves a lot better.
 Michael7482
Joined: 3/12/2013
Msg: 40
When they wont accept its over
Posted: 5/3/2014 1:16:53 PM

OK, if they do have a kid together, OP needs to be the adult and focus on what's best for the kid. It shouldn't be with 2 parents that aren't into each other, but blocking the father from her life kind of puts their petty issue above the kid. So if they do both have a kid, everyone saying to block is giving the worst possible advice they can be giving... Because once you have a kid, it's not about your life anymore, it's about your kid's.

If there's no kid... OP kind of dropped a huge bomb on him. To just be dumped out of the blue is pretty sudden.

I think something big is missing from this story. She dated a guy for 10 months, but kissed her coworker while she was with him. Something like this isn't an accident. Your face doesn't just fall into another guys face and in a mass confusion you put your tongue into his mouth, because why not? I think the ex sees it for what it really is... She met a new guy, and found a new toy, and just like almost every single time stuff like this happens, when the new guy doesn't turn out to be so great, she goes back, so why wait?

Either way, OP made a long series of selfish decisions and hopefully the ex moves on soon, because he probably deserves a lot better.


Right on man!
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