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 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 51
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Dating as an Introvert..Page 3 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Another introvert weighing in here. Extroverts, I believe, simply can't understand how we can be happy without a sea of people around us. As was stated earlier, they just HAVE to interact with people. They thrive on social stimulation. Another test similar to Meyers/Briggs, I took. It told me nothing I didn't already know about myself. I know that I hate to date. If I'd be so lucky to find a lady that I liked, (and vise-versa) I can be faithful to that one person, and not shop around. It's doubtful that any extrovert could fully understand that. Now, don't get me wrong, I can socialize with others on a superficial level. But I also might be just bored out of my mind while doing so. And no, online and in real life, introverts aren't successful daters. I live by this mantra-

"I like you very much, now, go away so that I can get something done."
 AlienHumanHybrid
Joined: 10/31/2014
Msg: 52
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 11/3/2014 11:00:45 PM
Overall, I'd say that I have had fewer of any sort of relationship than many others, but they tended to be more genuine, meaningful and pleasant than those I've observed.

Of my two best friends, one was extremely extroverted and the other extremely introverted. Both initiated contact, however -though the introvert went through the extrovert.
I have no preference romantically, either. I am attracted to the energy of extroverts and the calm of introverts.
Once I get to know someone, I can be rather extroverted within the relationship.
I prefer to be around people who don't care whether I'm quiet or talkative. I'm both at different times.
If I were in a romantic relationship, I would probably choose to be with the other rather than be alone -almost always -though that might translate to being quietly nearby sometimes.
Sometimes -probably too often -I'm nearby, but my mind is wandering through all sorts of subjects.


I tend to forget myself and be an observer in public -and am sometimes surprised when someone initiates contact -feeling totally unprepared to participate.
At times (in my teens and twenties), females have initiated contact/shown interest and I was so unprepared that I simply walked away -not being able to force any sort of verbal response -even though I would like to have been able to do so.
I had zero game, but sometimes things just clicked and I'd feel comfortable around someone immediately (usually extremely sincere people).
Every now and again, however, a situation arises where I see an opportunity to add something worthwhile to a group situation or I feel the desire to say something to a complete stranger, and I surprise myself by doing so.
If I try too much I end up acting and sounding like a bumbling idiot.
Besides, I don't like to waste actions or words. Some can manage to do and say many more great things than myself -and that's fine, but I can't bear with excessive conversation or situations which are basically negative or generally meaningless.

Performing music before an audience has contributed most to my being more extroverted. After initially feeling like I was going to hurl, I began to enjoy it. I like performing music because it can bypass all of the day-to-day thoughts and words -or the excessive amount of words necessary to get a point across during a conversation -going straight to the inner mind and heart.
I began to find that talking to people was easier, but there are still few people with which I feel the desire to initiate contact. I love people -they fascinate me -I hold them in high regard and want the best for everyone, but getting involved with too many of them often leads to more trouble than I desire.
I also found it easier to talk to people when I began to see my quietness as a good thing -no longer feeling that I should be saying something when I had nothing to say or really didn't want to say anything.
I also found that trying as much as possible to understand another person's perspective and to base conversations on that led to better conversations than trying awkwardly to scramble up something clever from my own mind.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 53
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 11/4/2014 9:42:52 AM

I thought I would resurrect this old thread of mine since it is still an issue for me.

Extroverts seem to enjoy the process of dating, meeting strangers, getting out and socializing just for the heck of it, etc.. but I don't. Often when I express that, I get asked: 'you don't like people'? lol..

I do like people, but that doesn't mean I want to be around them all the time.

Being a DJ I get asked that a lot - namely, if I don't really like crowds and don't always like interacting with people why do I do that job...there are DJs who are obnoxiously social and so I guess they are seen as the life of the party as an occupation.

I am lucky in that I can go just about anywhere and enjoy it. I can go places alone and either meet people around me or not, and my jobs have always centered around having to be social in crowded venues. So by default I end up with a lot of social connections. If I had to actually try to meet people to date or had a goal of dating where I had to make an effort I'd just skip it (sometimes I still do). It is pretty tedious to go out for any reason except to just go out.

Then once I start dating I have to have a default amount of time where I know I can go off on my own, or I start to feel smothered. Once I know I'm with someone besides the usual doing things together sometimes, I'm good with him being in the picture and don't need a lot of reinforcement. By the same token, if I keep calling and showing up to things, it's your indicator that I haven't lost interest. When I stop doing all that be worried. I am not a cheerleader.
 TheCritic
Joined: 3/7/2011
Msg: 54
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 11/4/2014 12:13:10 PM
I think you are on to something.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 55
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Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 11/4/2014 12:20:24 PM
Hah!

I had this conversation with my fiancé last night. He's an INTP, I'm an INTJ.

He seemed surprised to hear that for me, too, dating had been a challenge, and that in most cases, I would much rather have stayed home than gone on that date with a new person.

I really only kept going because I was so convinced that finding the right guy would be great. And it is. I could not imagine being in a relationship with an extrovert, though. Way too much constant stimulation and those ridiculous questions about being in a bad mood, when all I'm being is my own, introverted self.

Yes, he's pretty intense in his own INTP sort of way. But he IS considerate enough to curtail the education law talk when I tell him that I've had enough. Sometimes I do have to shoot him down, when I'm really not capable of listening. But overall, things are great, and we fill each other's gaps beautifully.

Yeah for introverts! ;)
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 56
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Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 11/4/2014 12:54:45 PM
GREAT to hear of another INTP that is actually in an LTR!!!! lol

Was starting to think that was impossible!!!

And that's so funny about telling him when you've had enough...ALL of my friends know by now that they just HAVE to stop me when they are "full"...LOL

We are INTENSE sometimes....and have stamina for things we are passionate about!

Good to see....Keep it up!
When is the wedding?
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 57
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Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 11/4/2014 1:56:59 PM
Thanks! 😀

We haven't set a date, too busy buying a house at the moment, but probably next summer or fall.
 petula1908
Joined: 8/9/2014
Msg: 58
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 11/4/2014 2:30:54 PM
Nobody was more shy or introverted than me as a child and even into my early twenties. However I developed self confidence along the way and now I can talk to anyone anytime about anything. I travelled a lot and alone and that was very instrumental in developing my personality as I met those from all walks of life. I still avoid loud and aggressive persons and don't like large parties or functions very much so I am still somewhat introverted in some ways as I like being alone and my own company as well.

Introverts typically do better with extroverts as they are a balance. We all need a certain personality and to be forthcoming so there is stimulation and feedback and it can be a hindrance with dating if one is too quiet and retiring as people take us at face value .
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 59
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 11/4/2014 7:00:03 PM
shakti- Getting accurate results to a personality test depends on answering honestly.
I am mostly introverted but I do enjoy being around SOME people while I find certain types exhausting.
I'm a thinker and I feel things deeply, I'm highly perceptive and have a tendency to absorb the "vibe" that others put off.
I have to be careful about being around people who are negative, it's too easy for my to get right down there with them.
Conversely, happy people bring out my natural tendency to be happy.
"Hyper" types are difficult for me. I'm exaggerating a bit here, but I have read some profiles where they are repelling, rock climbing and then bike two miles home, I mean good for you, all that energy is great, but can't you just chill out for a second and read a book?"
I love a good conversation, but that also depends on what is being talked about.
I'm drawn to people that have something to SAY, every day "getting to know you", social pleasantries has it's place, but after not so long, if something isn't said that's interesting, I check out.
This can make parties either fun or like watching paint dry.
I enjoy topics that other people avoid, not to be provocative, I'm fascinated by how different people think.
People who have strong opinions, yet are open to other schools of thought are my favorite type of people to talk to.
I also enjoy my own company and can go days at a time without seeing a soul and be perfectly ok with that.
I have only a few good friends and they have been friends for years, so I'm not socially inept, I just am loyal and don't tend to let people in easily, which CAN make dating difficult.
I'm a bit of a contradiction, really.
Even though I don't let people in easily, when I do, I will be there through life's high's and lows.
Kind/loving, but not to be messed with either.
Intelligent, but a little forgetful.
Social when I feel up to it, but I need "me" time.
Pretty funny, but serious when it's called for.
A bit intense at times, yet level headed.
Opinionated, but open to others.
I took the myers briggs test years ago and turned out to be the most rare type, I can't remember anymore what it was (see there's that forgetful thing).
People have a tendency to see those of us who are mostly introverted as weak, shy, etc, when we really aren't.
I see my ability to want to be alone at times and yet able to be around others at times as a good thing.
The right person for me will accept all of me, the good and the bad and I think that is true for pretty much any personality type. :)
 _shakti_
Joined: 2/22/2014
Msg: 60
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 11/5/2014 8:15:36 AM
^^ Then you're an INFJ, that's the rarest type. I'm pretty close, I'm an INFP.

The right person for me will accept all of me, the good and the bad and I think that is true for pretty much any personality type. :)
Very true, it's just a matter of getting to that point I suppose.

Making myself want to meet a bunch of strangers in order to find it isn't happening all that fast though, lol.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 61
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 11/5/2014 9:28:53 AM
I am INTJ - I have been told I am an automaton - I guess I can see how it can be seen that way at times. No "F" here. LOL
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 11/5/2014 11:23:16 AM
There are still lots of little thoughts I have on this subject...but...

Sometimes I think that the common view of introversion, like certain other things, is backwards - The practices, protocols and etiquettes for interacting and socializing, in "pop culture" at least, versus real culture, is unnecessarily too rich and twisted sometimes...meaning that we see some introversion as such only because we expect certain manners of expression and call anything less introverted, when actually introverted might really just be "normal" and "centered".

Many if not most people often strike me as being off-balance, like they're in a constant state of having "lost their cool" or composure, as if stricken with a sickness which is in the realm of values and behaviors...of etiquettes of interaction.
 lynguistik
Joined: 5/10/2011
Msg: 63
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 11/6/2014 8:08:33 AM
I'm an introvert (kinda). Extroverts gravitate to me... a lot. My three best friends all just kinda walked up to me and started talking one day. lol. My first reaction is always a defensive one, but if the person is normal enough, and interesting, they grow on me :)

I've dated introverts and extroverts. All people are strange, weird, moody, and kinda gross after you get to know them, imo. It's all about the strange, weird, grossness that makes you smile at the end of the day when you're thinking of that person. I've dated some awesome extroverts, but I feel like I'm having trouble finding an introvert that isn't "see a doctor for that depression and anxiety" kind of crazy. But if I could find a woman who's introverted and NOT terribly sick in the head, I think that would be my preference.
 lynguistik
Joined: 5/10/2011
Msg: 64
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 11/6/2014 8:17:02 AM

but I feel like I'm having trouble finding an introvert that isn't "see a doctor for that depression and anxiety" kind of crazy


To all of those women who do suffer from depression, no offense. The fault is mine rather than yours. Guess I'm too sensitive and emotional myself to be able to deal with those kinds of things! Hehe :)
 _shakti_
Joined: 2/22/2014
Msg: 65
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 11/6/2014 8:28:30 AM

All people are strange, weird, moody, and kinda gross after you get to know them, imo. It's all about the strange, weird, grossness that makes you smile at the end of the day when you're thinking of that person.
I absolutely love this, and sooo true! It reminds me of the quote..

We're all a little weird.
And life is a little weird.
And when we find someone whose
weirdness is compatible with ours,
we join up with them and fall into
mutually satisfying weirdness
and call it love- true love.
~Robert Fulghum


 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 66
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 11/6/2014 12:37:52 PM
shakti- I like the quote. One of my favorite expressions is "normal is boring", maybe I'll get a t-shirt or something :D
 mike11091
Joined: 8/25/2013
Msg: 67
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 11/7/2014 4:23:49 AM
ENFP are very rare accounting for less than 2% of the population, including Bill Clinton, Dr. Seuss, and Shannon Oliver-O'Neil.


Are you kidding me? I have something in common with Bill Clinton...GREAT...I like that they called me an idealist, though...

This has been...eye opening.

No wonder I have trouble finding "matches".....2% of the population...
 hemingway114
Joined: 6/16/2014
Msg: 68
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 11/8/2014 5:36:34 AM
Well, if you are dealing with crazy people all day OP, I can see how you would enjoy some down time and like to cocoon at the end of the day. That's stressful.

I once had a date with a woman who was an introvert, a bookworm (she mentioned at some point she did not like talking about feelings)... even though we had strong chemistry on some levels, I really did not like her... I'm used to talkative women... that's the first time I had anything close to awkward silence on a date. It was a little weird.

Another woman I dated once was the exact opposite, an extreme extrovert. After dinner, we took a walk, and when we would walk by a resturant with outdoor tables, she would walk up point-blank to strangers, take a seat beside them, and strike up a conversation, as if she owned the place, as if she were a first lady, a queen. Of course, I followed her lead and joined in the conversation. Everybody loved her. She would do this several more times that evening... I was awe-struck... every time she did this, I would grin and think to myself, "What a woman"! I love social butterflies. We are still friends.
 _shakti_
Joined: 2/22/2014
Msg: 69
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 11/9/2014 1:11:56 AM

Well, if you are dealing with crazy people all day OP, I can see how you would enjoy some down time and like to cocoon at the end of the day. That's stressful.
Yes, it definitely can be. And then I've been a single mom for nearly 25 years with virtually no help, so that takes its toll too. At this point in my life, I'd like to be a bit more selfish.. worry about MY wants and needs, not everyone and their dog coming before me. So yes, that definitely plays a part.

I used to want to go to the Himalayas and stay in a cave for a while, I'm not even exaggerating. Where absolutely NO ONE could reach me. But the meditation retreats I've done have really fulfilled that need of mine, thankfully.

I love social butterflies.
Some introverts can come across this way, the difference is that they have a limit and will eventually need some alone time to recharge.
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 11/10/2014 6:48:59 AM
^ One reason I don't go disappear into a wilderness to live primitively is because I don't want to do it all by myself...maybe it's someone like you that I need to find : )
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 71
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 11/10/2014 7:02:57 AM

Some introverts can come across this way, the difference is that they have a limit and will eventually need some alone time to recharge.


That is in essence the difference between an introvert and an extrovert. For my job I do a show that is broadcast across the company in which we talk about sales, motivation and stuff. But after the show I am drained. At the end of the day I don't want to talk to many people, just be with my girlfriend and enjoy that cocoon. My Gf is an introvert as well. So for instance, last night she read for a while while I worked on my novel and then we saw a movie together. We are both aware that there are times that we want totally alone time.
 _shakti_
Joined: 2/22/2014
Msg: 72
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 11/10/2014 7:03:27 AM

One reason I don't go disappear into a wilderness to live primitively is because I don't want to do it all by myself...maybe it's someone like you that I need to find : )
But then I'd have to worry about your needs, lol.

I think it was just a fantasy I had, because I really wouldn't want to leave my kids and I love the city too much. It's kinda in my bones.

But someone with a similar urge would be great :)

That is in essence the difference between an introvert and an extrovert. For my job I do a show that is broadcast across the company in which we talk about sales, motivation and stuff. But after the show I am drained. At the end of the day I don't want to talk to many people, just be with my girlfriend and enjoy that cocoon. My Gf is an introvert as well. So for instance, last night she read for a while while I worked on my novel and then we saw a movie together. We are both aware that there are times that we want totally alone time.
How awesome :)
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 73
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 11/10/2014 7:54:40 AM

I used to want to go to the Himalayas and stay in a cave for a while, I'm not even exaggerating. Where absolutely NO ONE could reach me. But the meditation retreats I've done have really fulfilled that need of mine, thankfully.

Sometimes that sounds like a good idea to me, too.

One reason I don't go disappear into a wilderness to live primitively is because I don't want to do it all by myself...maybe it's someone like you that I need to find : )

Um - that would defeat the purpose of someone going off to get away from people. Essentially you would want NOT to bring someone with you for it to be effective.

I love social butterflies.

Due to my occupation I can be not only a social butterfly but host an entire event and talk to people all night long. Doesn't make me not an introvert. Makes me able to do things like that when needed (occupationally especially - I'm not one to want to do that off the clock). Social butterflies get a charge from socializing but have a hard time being away from people for a long time - introverts get a charge from the downtime and have a hard time being around people for a long time. Both are able to socialize with no problem.

Some introverts can come across this way, the difference is that they have a limit and will eventually need some alone time to recharge.

Exactly. That's why after working Friday and Saturday nights I was always a hermit on Sunday (and got through Mondays with as little interaction as possible).
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 11/10/2014 11:49:50 AM

But then I'd have to worry about your needs, lol.

Oh no. We can't have that, now can we?


Um - that would defeat the purpose of someone going off to get away from people. Essentially you would want NOT to bring someone with you for it to be effective.

You have to have a little imagination. An understanding of what it's really like to do such a thing.
Just try to imagine what it'd really be like. What it can be made into.

...I'm pretty darn sure that a person would get plenty of "me time" living out like that. And I can't imagine a better meditative and "centering" way to live.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 75
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 11/10/2014 12:07:34 PM

You have to have a little imagination. An understanding of what it's really like to do such a thing.
Just try to imagine what it'd really be like. What it can be made into.

...I'm pretty darn sure that a person would get plenty of "me time" living out like that. And I can't imagine a better meditative and "centering" way to live.

If wanting to go off alone, I'd imagine no one else (except people delivering goods and services and leaving). Someone else being there is no longer what I imagined, as I'd not be going off alone. It's pretty simple.

Wanting to do that with someone else is another story...but based on what Shakti described there wasn't a plan to do alone with anyone else. It's just kind of funny how you turned "get me away from everyone for a while" into some kind of companion oriented activity which of course defeats the purpose of the alone thing. You don't want plenty of me time - you want constant never ending me time.

Her response about having to worry about your needs was pretty much on target. You can't get away from all human interaction when there's a human there. Shrug.
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