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 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 76
Dating as an Introvert..Page 4 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Cmburkit-I'm an INFJ too. Apparently we are rare, but I don't mind, I tend to embrace being different :)
 _shakti_
Joined: 2/22/2014
Msg: 77
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 11/18/2014 2:00:50 PM
^^ That shows a very narrow perception of an introvert, not all of us are shy or have difficulty expressing ourselves.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 78
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 11/18/2014 3:12:39 PM

Thanks for the responses, so it would seem that no one else has had a change in their way of being regarding I/E....


shakti-- I have been taking the Myers Briggs for decades--long before the internets, lol! I'm almost all the time an INFP. Also, most of the time, pretty close to center. I've had periods of almost total I, and some just barely over into E. But there doesn't seem to be a discernible *reason*. Doesn't change due to my meditation practice.

As far as friendships, the J/P dichotomy seems to be more important. I don't do real well with Js. Js seem to like to have things tied down or tied up. And they DO judge others, big time. Not a trait I'm comfortable with at all.

 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 79
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 11/18/2014 3:16:51 PM

i hate having to PRY answers or dialog out of introverted women.

it makes them appear boring even if they are terrific human beings.

That's not introverted, that's uninterested, shy, or closed off - none of those are introverted traits. Many introverts are social butterflies when they are actually interested in the person they're talking to.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 80
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 11/18/2014 3:22:24 PM

That's not introverted, that's uninterested, shy, or closed off - none of those are introverted traits. Many introverts are social butterflies when they are actually interested in the person they're talking to.


Yeap, right on the money.
 _shakti_
Joined: 2/22/2014
Msg: 81
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 11/18/2014 3:36:36 PM

As far as friendships, the J/P dichotomy seems to be more important. I don't do real well with Js. Js seem to like to have things tied down or tied up. And they DO judge others, big time. Not a trait I'm comfortable with at all.
Very interesting. In some people I can notice this, but I guess it depends on how strong it is. This was the one I used to be very close on, sometimes I'd be a J and sometimes I'd be a P.

The F/T dichotomy can be a big deal too, some T's are so far in their head and removed from feeling or intuition, that it's difficult to even connect with them in a meaningful way.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 82
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 11/18/2014 5:15:30 PM

The F/T dichotomy can be a big deal too, some T's are so far in their head and removed from feeling or intuition, that it's difficult to even connect with them in a meaningful way.

Coming from a T firsthand - not so much removed from feeling as uncomfortable with it and non expressive. One cannot avoid feelings but one can productively express (or not) those feelings as appropriate. My intuition is on the other hand, pretty sharp - and again what I sense I sense - I don't really feel the need to announce this unless it's to protect someone I am close to.
 _shakti_
Joined: 2/22/2014
Msg: 83
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 11/18/2014 5:54:11 PM
^^ I've seen you mention that you can come across like an automaton, and the whole T thing in general really reminds me of my one daughter (INTP). Sometimes she comes across as very distant, cold, removed.. and you think- she feels nothing. But then she'll shock you by a display of sentimentality that knocks you on your ass. It's neat :)
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 84
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History
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 11/18/2014 8:38:54 PM
I've read the various labeling tests on personality. I knew that I was an introvert before I ever read about it. I'm not fond of large groups, meeting new people, Ya-da ya-da ya-da.... One very good reason I don't, is that I see the latest and greatest fads and trends, as useless drivel. Not being up with that, cuts out a fair amount of small talk. Given the opportunity to talk with someone new, I counter with questions about what interests them. Yes, some look at me as being cold, distant, and removed. Being an introvert can make you a deep thinker. Ideas are far more interesting. We can get very sentimental. Develop strong bonds. Value what we have. Appreciate close friendships. We are far less likely to have a wandering eye. Or want to seek another partner, if we already have one. We have great determination to hold onto what we have. Cherish what we love. And respect our partner, provided- we get a little time to ourselves to work on our chosen woodpile.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 85
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 11/18/2014 11:21:16 PM

The F/T dichotomy can be a big deal too, some T's are so far in their head and removed from feeling or intuition, that it's difficult to even connect with them in a meaningful way.


*That* is interesting! When I was younger, I was closer to the middle on this. As I've meditated more, I've moved more deeply into the Feeling zone. In fact, if I'm not shedding quite a few tears, I know it's time to step into some heavier meditation. And yes, mostly happy tears, grateful tears. But a whole lot.

 _shakti_
Joined: 2/22/2014
Msg: 86
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 11/19/2014 5:00:54 AM
^^ I'm pretty sure it was meditation that moved me from an E to an I. It amazes me though, how especially with a daily practice, you become even more *you*. So maybe I never really was an E? It was just a way to cope somehow.
 SHS24
Joined: 7/9/2014
Msg: 87
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 11/19/2014 1:47:25 PM
I could go either way.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 88
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 11/20/2014 7:40:22 AM

I've seen you mention that you can come across like an automaton, and the whole T thing in general really reminds me of my one daughter (INTP). Sometimes she comes across as very distant, cold, removed.. and you think- she feels nothing. But then she'll shock you by a display of sentimentality that knocks you on your ass. It's neat :)


I had the real test administered by my manager who had a degree in psychology, he tested everyone in his department, then I was a INTP, close to the middle on INP but strongly T. It made sense to me though he was surprised since that was very rare. Since I was an engineer analyzing problems being strongly T also made sense. That was 30 years ago.

I recently retook the test on two different websites, I came out as INFP, mildly F and still mildly INP. A big change in the T/F area.

I would have liked to have spent a few months in Alaska totally alone and isolated just for the experience of it, I expect I would NOT feel lonely but the isolation wouldn't be something I am likely to want long term. But it's not likely to happen now since I am married.

I have spent a month in Alaska totally isolated from humanity, but I was with my brother, I fell really isolated but not alone. I spend 4 months in Washington DC where I knew no one at all, after a few months I felt lonely but certainly not isolated.

The last 18 months I have been joined at the hip with my wife, we haven't been apart more than 4 hours a few days a week. A lot of the time she is within 5 feet, we go shopping together, when she goes to an English class a 2 miles away I drive her even though she does have a USA drivers license. She just likes to do everything together, and it's a bit of a cultural thing.

I mention this mostly because it seems so much different from nearly every other poster.

Now I even have a dog what I need to take care of. I go back and forth about the dog, maybe it would be better if I brought him back to the original owners, they have his two siblings and the dog would be outside most of the time. Here he is inside most of the time and sometimes is a pain, but often pretty well mannered.

As far as my wife, I push her to be more independent, and told her I am not going to be driving her to a job, and if she goes to class on the main campus which is 9 miles away, she need to drive herself. She is going to go to a computer class on the main campus next week.

I like being alone, I like being together. Hard to say if my wife went to visit her family for a month without me would I miss her or would I enjoy the me time.

IMO since I am pretty much in the middle on all the areas of myers briggs, I tend to get along with many different types, and I think of myself as easy going. Even though I can move over to not so easy going.

So now I don't know what the heck I am (myers briggs) nor what I am most comfortable with.
Shyness versus introverted
Posted: 7/7/2015 6:56:09 PM
Hi,
I think it's helpful for people to have a better understanding of shy versus introverted and after very many conversations on very many forums and spending very many time looking at my own traits of introversion I'd like to offer the following opinion on the difference:

• introversion is (degree of) ABSENCE OF DESIRE to socialize.
• shyness is (degree of) DESIRE TO BE ABSENT (AVOID) from socializing.

I find this incredibly helpful, because it really pins down that shyness is a function of internal fear, and introversion is a function of managing external stimulus. Lots of introverts such as myself find it incredibly easy to be gregarious, charming, and great socializing and limited doses. But when there's a lot of stimulus, that is a lot of things to manager at once, then we just want to go home and get in bed and read a book.

- randy
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 90
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History
Shyness versus introverted
Posted: 7/8/2015 4:16:57 PM

• introversion is (degree of) ABSENCE OF DESIRE to socialize.
• shyness is (degree of) DESIRE TO BE ABSENT (AVOID) from socializing.


Those two can be tied together in some people. As a fellow introvert, I can split the two, but also combine them. I do shy away from people, sometimes, but if pressed, I'll come out managing those involved. Then, the stubborn comes out, and I won't stop until a resolution is found. Thus- the ISTJ personality, me.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 91
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Shyness versus introverted
Posted: 7/13/2015 8:43:51 AM

• introversion is (degree of) ABSENCE OF DESIRE to socialize.
• shyness is (degree of) DESIRE TO BE ABSENT (AVOID) from socializing.

So one lacks the desire to socialize -- and one has the desire to Not socialize. In other words, shyness is anti-social, and introversion is just a lack of being social. One's a lack of something, and the other is more than that. Kind of like theist (social), atheist/non-theist (non-social), and anti-theist (against being social).

I think I get what you're saying. Basically, an introvert has no problem socializing/communicating with people -- it's just that the ball's in the other person's court to get it going, as they're just shy to initiate it... where a shy person is going to shy away from socializing altogether.

Here's some interesting factoids:

When studying the brain activity that went on in an introverted person, it was found that there was no more electrical activity happening when they were looking at another person compared to when they were looking at inanimate objects. This suggests there’s a biological reason that introverts don’t seek out social interaction—they’re just not stimulated by it.


Shyness, on the other hand, can become so severe and so crippling that it can actually be diagnosed as a mental health problem. Everyone can be shy in certain situations and there are definitely varying degrees of shyness. However, in extreme cases, those that suffer from it find themselves unable to function in certain situations, unable to ask a stranger for directions, or agonizing over the moments before getting to the front of a check-out line where human interaction is necessary.


While an introvert more likely chooses to stay home on a Friday night, someone suffering from severe shyness may not think they have any choice but to stay home—and wish they were out.


An introvert can be fine with someone approaching them and beginning a conversation, but to someone who’s shy, that can be just as terrifying as the thought of starting a conversation themselves.

That last part is what I think what links to what you were saying.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 92
Shyness versus introverted
Posted: 7/13/2015 9:25:49 AM

So one lacks the desire to socialize -- and one has the desire to Not socialize. In other words, shyness is anti-social, and introversion is just a lack of being social. One's a lack of something, and the other is more than that. Kind of like theist (social), atheist/non-theist (non-social), and anti-theist (against being social).

I see it more as one wants to be social but fears the social interaction that it takes to get there, one is easily able be social but may not always have interest in doing so.

I think I get what you're saying. Basically, an introvert has no problem socializing/communicating with people -- it's just that the ball's in the other person's court to get it going, as they're just shy to initiate it... where a shy person is going to shy away from socializing altogether.

When you are an introvert and don't feel like socializing it's not in anyone's court to get it going - it's more a matter of leaving us alone unless/until we're in the mood to participate (unless it's occupational and someone's paying us to do it despite having no desire to). If I weren't in the mood for it and someone else tried to "get it going" in response it wouldn't go well for that person. When I'm ready to interact with other humans, I'll let you know.
 jrb1979
Joined: 11/19/2011
Msg: 93
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Shyness versus introverted
Posted: 7/13/2015 9:37:26 AM
I fall into both categories. When I am around new people I can be quite shy but when I am around friends there are times I am very quiet. Thats cause there are times I am out with friends but don't feel interested in participating in conversations. Cause I work around people all day by the time I get home most times I just want to be alone. Some of my friends just don't get why I am so quiet.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 94
Shyness versus introverted
Posted: 7/13/2015 10:17:22 AM
Being around / dating extroverts makes life interesting when you're introverted. I stay to myself until I have a few drinks or a little too much caffeine, then it's hard to shut me up. I can be friends with anyone, but I really don't identify a 'best' friend or anything like that.

Where I think relationship difficulties can happen is within the couple themselves, not in group or social situations. Someone introverted or socially awkward has trouble stating their feelings, and the extrovert has little or no patience to listen.
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 95
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Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 7/13/2015 3:39:42 PM

_shakti_ wrote:

So I'm curious, for the introverts out there.. taking this aspect of your being into account, how has dating been?


I don't think I need to answer this question.......
Shyness versus introverted
Posted: 7/15/2015 8:34:42 PM
Exactly, Norwegian guy 456
 jrb1979
Joined: 11/19/2011
Msg: 97
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Shyness versus introverted
Posted: 8/4/2015 10:52:02 AM
I find lately that its hard for me to get a date cause of the kind of guy I am. I am very quiet and don't always talk much. The last couple of girls I went on dates with both told me I am too quiet for them. Cause of that I have started to embrace being single and enjoying the time to myself. I would love to have some one to do things with and travel with but I am not desperate enough to settle on the first girl that comes along that will take me as I am. Part of me hates the way the world has come in terms of dating. Everyone wants an instant connection and if not they move on. Cause of that mentality a lot of girls don't give me much of a chance.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 98
Shyness versus introverted
Posted: 8/4/2015 11:07:35 AM

I am very quiet and don't always talk much.


The reality is not so much that you should talk. Many women complaint that they could not stand the guy because all he did was talk and talk about himself. The secret is, to ask questions. As the saying goes "He who asks the questions, controls the conversation."

Sooo. Look at her and ask, "those are cool shoes, where did you get them?" "Italy, where did you go there?"

And so on, and so forth.
 2ufo
Joined: 2/28/2015
Msg: 99
Shyness versus introverted
Posted: 8/4/2015 3:58:15 PM
I'm an INTP, borderline on the P and at the extreme range of the I. I'm waiting the results of my next test to see how the scores are arranged - will I still be at the extreme end of I - and whether I'll be P or J.

I think INTP is the psychological title for a 'know-it-all'. I can act extroverted, particularly if I want something, but mostly I couldn't care what other people say or do so long as they don't bother me. People I am close to can be noisy, talkative or touch me; people I am not close to get ignored or I tell them to be quiet/don't touch me or I simply leave the vicinity. I'm not the least bit shy about things regarding what I consider my personal space.

As for dating, I merely ask. Have I been 'shot down'? Sure, I've been overweight since I was 5, I'm very intelligent. These two qualities do not appear to be wanted by many guys. On the other hand, men really appreciate being asked out (for the 'who pays' crowd - if I ask, it's my treat).

To build on what IG says, the secret is to be interested and to listen. By listening and asking questions that entice more information, you don't appear shy, you may appear like the 'strong, silent type'.
 2ufo
Joined: 2/28/2015
Msg: 100
Shyness versus introverted
Posted: 8/4/2015 4:40:24 PM

I'm a little emotional and I like to think about things deeply. I've come to the conclusion that I need to date another introvert to get the connection of minds I'm really looking for...but then I don't want to date me. Dating me would be terrible.


Don't worry about 'dating yourself'. Even if you date another introvert, they'll probably be introverted in different ways and they will understand your need to occasionally be alone to re-charge your emotional self. If you date an extrovert, you'll probably need to explain that you need alone time but an extrovert can sometimes bring welcome experiences into your life that you wouldn't have thought of doing. Don't date solely according to some personality test. Find out what works for you.
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