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Show ALL Forums  > Over 30  > How long should a widow/widower wait after the death of their spouse      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Dare to
Joined: 2/11/2009
Msg: 50
How long should a widow/widower wait after the death of their spouse before dating?Page 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I am coming up to the 12 month anniversary of my husband passing.. Funnily enough we met on this site about 8 1/2 years ago and were married 4 years later in April 2011. 6 months later he was diagnosed with cancer, had chemo and went into remission. Unknown to us the cancer came back 2 1/2 years later and caused him to have a severe stroke which left him very disabled and he died 3 months later.. I miss him every day, and I will always love him... But.... I think the heart has an infinite capacity to love and just because one loves the memory of one man doesn’t mean that heart can’t love another at the same time…
I met someone recently and i feel very ready to have another person in my life... Everybody is different as to when they are ready to date again... I am very aware that i will be judged because i am seeing someone less than a year after my husbands death. There will be people who will say I couldn't have loved him for me to date again so soon.. How wrong they would be! I loved him as much as a person can love another, but i didn't die with him..
I don't have him up on a pedestal that no other man can reach. I know he had faults as do I, but I do tend to remember the good bits.. We had a good relationship and I would love to have another good relationship in my life... Some people are going to feel that it is way too soon for me to be contemplating another relationship. I say it is completely up to the individual to know when they are ready to make that step. I like being in a relationship, I miss the warmth and closeness, I miss the touching, intimacy and conversations, I miss shared laughter, good times and easy silences, and I’d like to have that again. But I don’t want that with just anybody, it took me a couple of years of searching and lots of ‘one off’ meetings to find it last time, but if I’ve accidentally stumbled over the man who I could find it with again well I’m certainly not going to throw him out the window because some other people might think it’s too soon..
Although I do feel that I have unusual circumstances as far as recovery goes... I am a Paramedic and every work day I work in the hospital that my husband died in. I go into the resus bay that we took him to when he had the stroke every single day that i work. I walk past the room where he died at least once a week. The people who used to transport him to his medical appointments are my colleagues.. His death is "in my face" every single day, and i feel it has made me face it and cope with it much faster than would usually happen. If i was unable to do that I wouldn't be able to do my job...
In saying that... The man I am seeing works away, 6 weeks away and 2 weeks here.. That works much better for me at the moment than having a full time relationship, although he is somebody I could see myself staying with for a very long time.. It's wonderful to have a special person in my life again and makes me look forward to tomorrow ..
So i suppose my message is... Don't write off the widow/er.. Some of us are ready much sooner than one would expect... I am so happy that this man was open to taking it at my pace and now we are going forward and very happy...
 Dare to
Joined: 2/11/2009
Msg: 51
How long should a widow/widower wait after the death of their spouse before dating?
Posted: 7/18/2015 4:31:36 AM

I have to say that I would find any body who recently lost their spouse/partner unexpectedly that is trolling on a dating site a giant red flag, not to mention large hazard flares going off as well.
Unless you have been there you wouldn't have a clue... Just saying!


I cannot believe that someone, that soon after a death of someone they loved is seriously ready to offer someone anything remotely close to a healthy relationship.
Same as above... How the hell would you know how someone else works....
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 52
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How long should a widow/widower wait after the death of their spouse before dating?
Posted: 7/18/2015 5:07:25 AM
^^^^^^^

I read your touching story and wish you the best of luck with your new love!

I, too, met my husband here on POF. We got married this year and love each other very much. Of course neither one of us is young, and I am very aware that one of us will most likely outlive the other.

I feel that his loss would be devastating to me, and I think the same is true for him. But I hope for both of us (and I'm sure he does, too), that the surviving spouse will be able to move on and find happiness again with another person. I don't want to think of my husband as unhappy for the rest of his life because I died first. He's a positive, exuberant, happy man, and that's how I hope he will be, if I have to go first.

Glad you were open to finding new love and that you did! It gives me hope.
 Dare to
Joined: 2/11/2009
Msg: 53
How long should a widow/widower wait after the death of their spouse before dating?
Posted: 7/18/2015 11:39:19 AM
Thanks LiliMarleen... Yes i am certain my late husband would not want me to be alone for the rest of my life... Congratulations on your recent marriage and I wish you many many happy years together...
 sealady111
Joined: 5/31/2015
Msg: 54
How long should a widow/widower wait after the death of their spouse before dating?
Posted: 7/18/2015 5:22:31 PM
Dare to

I agree.

I am sure your husband would want you to be happy.
Just as you would want him to be happy if the situations were reversed.

I have met some lovely widowers who are trying to date but are not yet ready.

My house guest is now staying with his family and during the drive down there he thanked me to helping him and said that he needs to find himself someone to spoil.

A 70's man, non drinker, non smoker, owns his own home, practical, gentle and kind will probably find someone fairly quickly as soon as he decides to look.
 slothlover_007
Joined: 8/17/2015
Msg: 55
How long should a widow/widower wait after the death of their spouse before dating?
Posted: 8/27/2015 4:25:06 PM
I'd say it depends on the person. Some people are able to move on quicker than others. Some move on at a slower pace and... Some never move on. For example: My grandmother on my mother's side became a widow at 50. She never remarried....she never even dated after my grandfather's death. My grandmother on my father's side became a widow at 60. She also never remarried...she never dated anyone either. So, not sure...everyone is different. The most important thing is to act on your own feelings and when you're ready. It's a personal choice. Also, in your post you said the woman has two little boys...she needs to be careful who she decides to date and make sure her children are safe. Maybe this woman isn't thinking of dating- she has kids to take care of, herself to take care of, working, doing the domestic work at home. It wouldn't be surprising if she needs some time on her own first.
Show ALL Forums  > Over 30  > How long should a widow/widower wait after the death of their spouse before dating?